首页 >出版文学> TheTenant of Wildfell Hall>第50章
  `Youknewit!’criedhewithbittervehemence——andyoudidnottellme!Youhelpedtodeceiveme!’
  `Mylord,Ididnothelptodeceiveyou。’
  `Thenwhydidyounottellme?’
  `Because,Iknewitwouldbepainfultoyou——Ihopedshewouldreturntoherduty,andthentherewouldbenoneedtoharrowyourfeelingswithsuch`OGod!howlonghasthisbeengoingon?howlonghasitbeen,Mrs。Huntingdon?——Tellme——IMUSTknow!’heexclaimedwithintenseandfearfuleagerness。
  `Twoyears,Ibelieve。’
  `GreatHeaven!andshehasdupedmeallthistime!’Heturnedawaywithasuppressedgroanofagony,andpacedtheroomagain,inaparoxysmofrenewedagitation。Myheartsmoteme;butIwouldtrytoconsolehim,thoughIknewnothowtoattemptit。
  `Sheisawickedwoman,’Isaid。`Shehasbaselydeceivedandbetrayedyou。Sheisaslittleworthyofyourregretasshewasofyouraffection。Letherinjureyounofarther:abstractyourselffromher,andstandalone。’
  `Andyou,Madam,’saidhesternly,arrestinghiswalkandturningrounduponme——`youhaveinjuredmetoo,bythisungenerousconcealment!’
  Therewasasuddenrevulsioninmyfeelings。Somethingrosewithinme,andurgedmetoresentthisharshreturnformyheartfeltsympathy,anddefendmyselfwithansweringseverity。Happily,Ididnotyieldtotheimpulse。Isawhisanguishas,suddenlysmitinghisforehead,heturnedabruptlytothewindow,and,lookingupwardattheplacidsky,murmuredpassionately,`OGod,thatImightdie!’——andfeltthattoaddonedropofbitternesstothatalreadyoverflowingcup,wouldbeungenerousindeed。
  Andyet,Ifeartherewasmorecoldnessthangentlenessinthequiettoneofmyreply:——
  `Imightoffermanyexcusesthatsomewouldadmittobevalid,butIwillnotattempttoenumeratethem——’
  `Iknowthem,’saidhehastily,`youwouldsaythatitwasnobusinessofyours——thatIoughttohavetakencareofmyself——thatifmyownblindnesshasledmeintothispitofhell,IhavenorighttoblameanotherforgivingmecreditforalargeramountofsagacitythanIpossessed——’
  `IconfessIwaswrong,’continuedI,withoutregardingthisbitterinterruption;`butwhetherwantofcourageormistakenkindnesswasthecauseofmyerror,Ithinkyoublamemetooseverely。ItoldLadyLowboroughtwoweeksago,theveryhourshecame,thatIshouldcertainlythinkitmydutytoinformyouifshecontinuedtodeceiveyou:shegavemefulllibertytodosoifIshouldseeanythingreprehensibleorsuspiciousinherconduct——Ihaveseennothing;andItrustedshehadalteredhercourse。
  HecontinuedgazingfromthewindowwhileIspoke,anddidnotanswer,but,stungbytherecollectionsmywordsawakened,stampedhisfootuponthefloor,groundhisteeth,andcorrugatedhisbrow,likeoneundertheinfluenceofacutephysicalpain。
  `Itwaswrong——itwaswrong!’hemuttered,atlength。`Nothingcanexcuseit——nothingcanatoneforit,——fornothingcanrecallthoseyearsofcursedcredulity——nothingobliteratethem!——nothing,nothing!’
  herepeatedinawhisperwhosedespairingbitternessprecludedallresentment。
  `WhenIputthecasetomyself,Iownitwaswrong,’I
  answered;`butIcanonlynowregretthatIdidnotseeitinthislightbefore,andthat,asyousay,nothingcanrecallthepast。’
  Somethinginmyvoiceorinthespiritofthisanswerseemedtoalterhismood。Turningtowardsmeandattentivelysurveyingmyfacebythedimlight,hesaidinamildertonethanhehadyetemployed,——
  `Youtoohavesuffered,Isuppose。’
  `Isufferedmuch,atfirst。’
  `Whenwasthat?’
  `Twoyearsago;andtwoyearshenceyouwillbeascalmasIamnow,——andfar,farhappier,Itrust,foryouareaman,andfreetoactasyouplease。’
  Somethinglikeasmile,butaverybitterone,crossedhisfaceforamoment。
  `Youhavenotbeenhappylately?’hesaidwithakindofefforttoregaincomposure,andadeterminationtowaivethefurtherdiscussionofhisowncalamity。
  `Happy!’Irepeated,almostprovokedatsuchaquestion——`CouldIbeso,withsuchahusband?’
  `Ihavenoticedachangeinyourappearancesincethefirstyearsofyourmarriage,’pursuedhe:`Iobservedittoothatinfernaldemon,’
  hemutteredbetweenhisteeth——`andhesaiditwasyourownsourtemperthatwaseatingawayyourbloom:itwasmakingyouoldanduglybeforeyourtime,andhadalreadymadehisfire-sideascomfortlessasaconventcell——YousmileMrs。Huntingdon——nothingmovesyou。Iwishmynaturewereascalmasyours!’
  `Mynaturewasnotoriginallycalm,’saidI:`Ihavelearnedtoappearsobydintofhardlessons,andmanyrepeatedefforts。
  AtthisjunctureMr。Hattersleyburstintotheroom。
  `Hallow,Lowborough!’hebegan——`Oh!Ibegyourpardon,’heexclaimedonseeingme;`Ididn’tknowitwasatê;te-a-tê;te。
  Cheerup,man!’hecontinued,givingLordLowboroughathumpontheback,whichcausedthelattertorecoilfromhimwithlooksofineffabledisgustandirritation。`Come,Iwanttospeakwithyouabit。’
  `Speak,then。’
  `ButI’mnotsureitwouldbequiteagreeabletothelady,whatIhavetosay。’
  `Thenitwouldnotbeagreeabletome,’saidhislordship,turningtoleavetheroom。
  `Yes,itwould,’criedtheother,followinghimintothehall。
  `Ifyou’vetheheartofamanitwouldbetheveryticketforyou。It’sjustthis,mylad,’hecontinued,ratherloweringhisvoice,butnotenoughtopreventmefromhearingeverywordhesaid,thoughthehalf-closeddoorstoodbetweenus:`Ithinkyou’reanill-usedman——nay,now,don’tflareup——Idon’twanttooffendyou:it’sonlymyroughwayoftalking。Imustspeakrightoutyouknow,orelsenotatall;——andI’mcome——stopnow!letmeexplain——I’mcometoofferyoumyservices,forthoughHuntingdonismyfriend,he’sadevilishscampasweallknow,andI’llbeyourfriendforthenonce。Iknowwhatitisyouwant,tomakemattersstraight:
  it’sjusttoexchangeashotwithhim,andthenyou’llfeelyourselfallrightagain;andifanaccidenthappens——why,that’llbeallrighttoo,Idaresay,toadesperatefellowlikeyou——menow!givemeyourhand,anddon’tlooksoblackuponit。Nametimeandplace,andI’llmanagetherest。’
  `That,’answeredthemorelow,deliberatevoiceofLordLowborough,`isjusttheremedymyownheart——orthedevilwithinit,suggested——tomeethim,andnottoseverwithoutblood。WhetherIorheshouldfall——orboth,itwouldbeaninexpressiblerelieftome,if——’
  `Justso!Wellthen——’
  `No!’exclaimedhislordshipwithdeep,determinedemphasis。`ThoughIhatehimfrommyheart,andshouldrejoiceatanycalamitythatcouldbefallhim——I’llleavehimtoGod;andthoughIabhormyownlife,I’llleavethattoo,toHimthatgave’
  `Butyouseeinthiscase,’pleadedHattersley——
  `I’llnothearyou!’exclaimedhiscompanion,hastilyturningaway。`Notanotherword!I’veenoughtodoagainstthefiendwithinme。’
  `Thenyou’reawhiteliveredfool,andIwashmyhandsofyou,’
  grumbledthetempterasheswunghimselfroundanddeparted。
  `Right,right,LordLowborough!’criedI,dartingoutandclaspinghisburninghand,ashewasmovingawaytothestairs。`Ibegintothinktheworldisnotworthyofyou!’
  Notunderstandingthissuddenebullition,heturneduponmewithastareofgloomy,bewilderedamazementthatmademeashamedoftheimpulsetowhichIhadyielded;butsoonamorehumanizedexpressiondawneduponhiscountenance,and,beforeIcouldwithdrawmyhand,hepresseditkindly,whileagleamofgenuinefeelingflashedfromhiseyesashemurmured,——
  `Godhelpusboth!’
  `Amen!’respondedI;andweparted。
  Ireturnedtothedrawing-room,where,doubtless,mypresencewouldbeexpectedbymost,desiredbyoneortwo。Intheante-roomwasMr。Hattersley,railingagainstLordLowborough’spoltroonerybeforeaselectaudience,viz。Mr。Huntingdon,whowasloungingagainstthetableexultinginhisowntreacherousvillainyandlaughinghisvictimtoscorn,andMr。Grimsby,standingby,quietlyrubbinghishandsandchucklingwithfiendishsatisfaction。AttheglanceIgavetheminpassing,Hattersleystoppedshortinhisanimadversionsandstaredlikeabullcalf,Grimsbyglowereduponmewithaleerofmalignantferocity,andmyhusbandmutteredacoarseandbrutalmalediction。
  Inthedrawing-roomIfoundLadyLowborough,evidentlyinnoveryenviablestateofmind,andstrugglinghardtoconcealherdiscomposurebyanoverstrainedaffectationofunusualcheerfulnessandvivacity,veryuncalledforunderthecircumstances,forshehadherselfgiventhecompanytounderstandthatherhusbandhadreceivedunpleasantintelligencefromhome,whichnecessitatedhisimmediatedeparture,andthathehadsuffereditsotobotherhismindthatithadbroughtonabiliousheadache,owingtowhichandthepreparationshejudgednecessarytohastenhisdeparture,shebelievedtheywouldnothavethepleasureofseeinghimto-night。However,sheasserted,itwasonlyabusinessconcern,andsoshedidnotintenditshouldtroubleher。ShewasjustsayingthisasIentered,andshedarteduponmesuchaglanceofhardihoodanddefianceasatonceastonishedandrevoltedme。
  `ButIamtroubled,’continuedshe,`andvexedtoo,forIthinkitmydutytoaccompanyhislordship,andofcourseIamverysorrytopartwithallmykindfriends,sounexpectedlyandsosoon。’
  `Andyet,Annabella,’saidEsther,whowassittingbesideher,`Ineversawyouinbetterspiritsinmylife。’
  `Preciselyso,mylove;becauseIwishtomakethebestofyoursociety,sinceitappearsthisistobethelastnightIamtoenjoyit,tillHeavenknowswhen;andIwishtoleaveagoodimpressiononyouall,’——sheglancedround,andseeingheraunt’seyefixeduponher,rathertooscrutinizingly,assheprobablythought,shestartedupandcontinued,——`towhichendI’llgiveyouasong-hallI,aunt?shallI,Mrs。Huntingdon?shallI,ladiesandgentlemen——all?——Verywell,I’lldomybesttoamuseyou。’
  SheandLordLowboroughoccupiedtheapartmentsnexttomine。
  Iknownothowshepassedthenight,butIlayawakethegreaterpartofitlisteningtohisheavysteppacingmonotonouslyupanddownhisdressing-room,whichwasnearestmychamber。OnceIheardhimpauseandthrowsomethingoutofthewindow,withapassionateejaculation;andinthemorning,aftertheyweregone,akeen-bladedclasp-knifewasfoundonthegrass-plotbelow;arazor,likewisewassnappedintwoandthrustdeepintothecindersofthegrate,butpartiallycorrodedbythedecayingembers。Sostronghadbeenthetemptationtoendhismiserablelife,sodeterminedhisresolutiontoresistit。
  MyheartbledforhimasIlaylisteningtothatceaselesstread。
  Hitherto,Ihadthoughttoomuchofmyself,toolittleofhim:nowIforgotmyownafflictions,andthoughtonlyofhis——oftheardentaffectionsomiserablywasted,thefondfaithsocruellybetrayed,the——no,Iwillnotattempttoenumeratehiswrongs,——butIhatedhiswifeandmyhusbandmoreintenselythanever,andnotformysake,butforhis。
  `Thatman,’Ithought,`isanobjectofscorntohisfriendsandthenice-judgingworld。Thefalsewifeandthetreacherousfriendwhohavewrongedhimarenotsodespisedanddegradedashe;andhisrefusaltoavengehiswrongshasremovedhimyetfartherbeyondtherangeofsympathy,andblackenedhisnamewithadeeperdisgrace。Heknowsthis;anditdoubleshisburdenofwo。Heseestheinjusticeofit,buthecannotbearupagainstit;helacksthatsustainingpowerofself-esteemwhichleadsaman,exultinginhisownintegrity,todefythemaliceoftraducingfoesandgivethemscornforscorn——or,betterstill,whichraiseshimaboveearth’sfoulandturbulentvapours,toreposeinHeaven’seternalsunshine。HeknowsthatGodisjust,butcannotseeHisjusticenow:heknowsthislifeisshort,andyetdeathseemsinsufferablyfaraway;hebelievesthereisafuturestate,butsoabsorbingistheagonyofthisthathecannotrealizeitsrapturousrepose。Hecanbutbowhisheadtothestorm,andcling,blindly,despairingly,towhatheknowstoberight。Liketheshipwreckedmarinercleavingtoaraft,blinded,deafened,bewildered,hefeelsthewavessweepoverhim,andseesnoprospectofescape;andyetheknowshehasnohopebutthis,andstill,whilelifeandsenseremain,concentratesallhisenergiestokeepit。Oh,thatIhadafriend’srighttocomforthim,andtellhimthatIneveresteemedhimsohighlyasIdothisnight!’
  Theydepartedearlyinthemorningbeforeanyoneelsewasdown,exceptmyself,andjustasIwasleavingmyroom,LordLowboroughwasdescendingtotakehisplaceinthecarriagewherehisladywasalreadyensconced;
  andArthurorMr。HuntingdonasIprefercallinghim,fortheotherismychild’snamehadthegratuitousinsolencetocomeoutinhisdressing-gowntobidhis`friend’goodbye。