Myfable,credibleenoughatfirst,andsolongasmyclotheswereingoodorder,musthaveseemedworsethandoubtfulaftermycoatbecamefrayedabouttheedges,andmybootsbegantosquelchandpipealongtherestaurantfloors。Theallowanceofonemealadaybesides,thoughsuitableenoughtothestateofmyfinances,agreedpoorlywithmystomach。TherestaurantwasaplaceIhadoftenvisitedexperimentally,totastethelifeofstudentsthenmoreunfortunatethanmyself;andIhadneverinthosedaysentereditwithoutdisgust,orleftitwithoutnausea。Itwasstrangetofindmyselfsittingdownwithavidity,risingupwithsatisfaction,andcountingthehoursthatdividedmefrommyreturntosuchatable。Buthungerisagreatmagician;andsosoonasIhadspentmyreadycash,andcouldnolongerfilluponbowlsofchocolateorhunksofbread,Imustdependentirelyonthatcabman’seating-house,anduponcertainrare,long-expected,long-rememberedwindfalls。Dijonforinstancemightgetpaidforsomeofhispot-boilingwork,orelseanoldfriendwouldpassthroughParis;andthenI
wouldbeentertainedtoamealaftermyownsoul,andcontractaLatinQuarterloan,whichwouldkeepmeintobaccoandmymorningcoffeeforafortnight。Itmightbethoughtthelatterwouldappearthemoreimportant。Itmightbesupposedthatalife,ledsoneartheconfinesofactualfamine,shouldhavedulledthenicetyofmypalate。Onthecontrary,thepooreraman’sdiet,themoresharplyishesetondainties。Thelastofmyreadycash,aboutthirtyfrancs,wasdeliberatelysquanderedonasingledinner;andagreatpartofmytimewhenIwasalonewaspasseduponthedetailsofimaginaryfeasts。
Onegleamofhopevisitedme——anorderforabustfromarichSoutherner。Hewasfree-handed,jollyofspeech,merryofcountenance;keptmeingoodhumourthroughthesittings,andwhentheywereover,carriedmeoffwithhimtodinnerandthesightsofParis。Iatewell;Ilaidonflesh;byallaccounts,I
madeafavourablelikenessofthebeing,andIconfessIthoughtmyfuturewasassured。Butwhenthebustwasdone,andIhaddespatcheditacrosstheAtlantic,Icouldneversomuchaslearnofitsarrival。Theblowfelledme;Ishouldhavelaindownandtriednostroketorightmyself,hadnotthehonourofmycountrybeeninvolved。ForDijonimprovedtheopportunityintheEuropeanstyle;informingmeforthefirsttimeofthemannersofAmerica:howitwasadenofbandittiwithoutthesmallestrudimentoflawororder,anddebtscouldbethereonlycollectedwithashotgun。“Thewholeworldknowsit。”hewouldsay;“youarealone,monpetitLoudon,youarealonetobeinignoranceofthesefacts。ThejudgesoftheSupremeCourtfoughtbuttheotherdaywithstilettosonthebenchatCincinnati。Youshouldreadthelittlebookofoneofmyfriends:_LeTouristedansleFar-West_;youwillseeitallthereingoodFrench。”Atlast,incensedbydaysofsuchdiscussion,Iundertooktoprovetohimthecontrary,andputtheaffairinthehandsofmylatefather’slawyer。FromhimI
hadthegratificationofhearing,afteradueinterval,thatmydebtorwasdeadoftheyellowfeverinKeyWest,andhadlefthisaffairsinsomeconfusion。Isuppresshisname;forthoughhetreatedmewithcruelnonchalance,itisprobablehemeanttodealfairlyintheend。
Soonafterthisashadeofchangeinmyreceptionatthecabman’seating-housemarkedthebeginningofanewphaseinmydistress。Thefirstday,Itoldmyselfitwasbutfancy;thenext,Imadequitesureitwasafact;thethird,inmerepanicI
stayedaway,andwentforforty-eighthoursfasting。Thiswasanactofgreatunreason;forthedebtorwhostaysawayisbutthemoreremarked,andtheboarderwhomissesamealissuretobeaccusedofinfidelity。Onthefourthday,therefore,I
returned,inwardlyquaking。Theproprietorlookedaskanceuponmyentrance;thewaitresseswhowerehisdaughters
neglectedmywantsandsniffedattheaffectedjovialityofmysalutations;lastandmostplain,whenIcalledforasuissesuchaswasbeingservedtoalltheotherdinersIwasbluntlytoldtherewerenomore。ItwasobviousIwasneartheendofmytether;oneplankdividedmefromwant,andnowIfeltittremble。Ipassedasleeplessnight,andthefirstthinginthemorningtookmywaytoMyner’sstudio。ItwasastepIhadlongmeditatedandlongrefrainedfrom;forIwasscarceintimatewiththeEnglishman;andthoughIknewhimtopossessplentyofmoney,neitherhismannernorhisreputationweretheleastencouragingtobeggars。
Ifoundhimatworkonapicture,whichIwasableconscientiouslytopraise,dressedinhisusualtweeds,plain,butprettyfresh,andstandingoutindisagreeablecontrasttomyownwitheredanddegradedoutfit。Aswetalked,hecontinuedtoshifthiseyeswatchfullybetweenhishandiworkandthefatmodel,whosatatthefarendofthestudioinastateofnature,withonearmgallantlyarchedaboveherhead。Myerrandwouldhavebeendifficultenoughunderthebestofcircumstances:placedbetweenMyner,immersedinhisart,andthewhite,fat,nakedfemaleinaridiculousattitude,Ifounditquiteimpossible。AgainandagainIattemptedtoapproachthepoint,againandagainfellbackoncommendationsofthepicture;anditwasnotuntilthemodelhadenjoyedanintervalofrepose,duringwhichshetooktheconversationinherownhandsandregaledusinasoft,weakvoicewithdetailsastoherhusband’sprosperity,hersister’slamenteddeclinefromthepathsofvirtue,andtheconsequentwrathofherfather,apeasantofsternprinciples,inthevicinityofChalonsontheMarne;——itwasnot,Isay,untilafterthiswasover,andIhadoncemoreclearedmythroatfortheattack,andoncemoredroppedasideintosomecommonplaceaboutthepicture,thatMynerhimselfbroughtmesuddenlyandvigorouslytothepoint。
“Youdidn’tcomeheretotalkthisrot。”saidhe。
“No。”Irepliedsullenly;“Icametoborrowmoney。”
Hepaintedawhileinsilence。
“Idon’tthinkwewereeververyintimate?”heasked。
“Thankyou。”saidI。“Icantakemyanswer。”andImadeasiftogo,rageboilinginmyheart。
“Ofcourseyoucangoifyoulike。”saidMyner;“butIadviseyoutostayandhaveitout。”
“Whatmoreistheretosay?”Icried。“Youdon’twanttokeepmehereforaneedlesshumiliation?”
“Lookhere,Dodd,youmusttryandcommandyourtemper。”
saidhe。“Thisinterviewisofyourownseeking,andnotmine;
ifyousupposeit’snotdisagreeabletome,you’rewrong;andifyouthinkIwillgiveyoumoneywithoutknowingthoroughlyaboutyourprospects,youtakemeforafool。Besides。”headded,“ifyoucometolookatit,you’vegotovertheworstofitbynow:youhavedonetheasking,andyouhaveeveryreasontoknowImeantorefuse。Iholdoutnofalsehopes,butitmaybeworthyourwhiletoletmejudge。”
Thus——Iwasgoingtosay——encouraged,Istumbledthroughmystory;toldhimIhadcreditatthecabman’seating-house,butbegantothinkitwasdrawingtoaclose;howDijonlentmeacornerofhisstudio,whereItriedtomodelornaments,figuresforclocks,Timewiththescythe,Ledaandtheswan,musketeersforcandlesticks,andotherkickshaws,whichhadneveruptothatdaybeenhonouredwiththeleastapproval。
“Andyourroom?”askedMyner。
“O,myroomisallright,Ithink。”saidI。“Sheisaverygoodoldlady,andhasneverevenmentionedherbill。”
“Becausesheisaverygoodoldlady,Idon’tseewhysheshouldbefined。”observedMyner。
“Whatdoyoumeanbythat?”Icried。
“Imeanthis。”saidhe。“TheFrenchgiveagreatdealofcreditamongstthemselves;theyfinditpaysonthewhole,orthesystemwouldhardlybecontinued;butIcan’tseewhereWE
comein;Ican’tseethatit’shonestofusAnglo-Saxonstoprofitbytheireasyways,andthenskipovertheChannelorasyouYankeesdoacrosstheAtlantic。”
“ButI’mnotproposingtoskip。”Iobjected。
“Exactly。”hereplied。“Andshouldn’tyou?There’stheproblem。
Youseemtometohavealackofsympathyfortheproprietorsofcabmen’seating-houses。Byyourownaccountyou’renotgettingon:thelongeryoustay,it’llonlybethemoreoutofthepocketofthedearoldladyatyourlodgings。Now,I’lltellyouwhatI’lldo:ifyouconsenttogo,I’llpayyourpassagetoNewYork,andyourrailwayfareandexpensestoMuskegonifI
havethenamerightwhereyourfatherlived,wherehemusthaveleftfriends,andwhere,nodoubt,you’llfindanopening。I
don’tseekanygratitude,forofcourseyou’llthinkmeabeast;
butIdoaskyoutopayitbackwhenyouareable。Atanyrate,that’sallIcando。ItmightbedifferentifIthoughtyouagenius,Dodd;butIdon’t,andIadviseyounotto。”
“Ithinkthatwasuncalledfor,atleast。”saidI。
“Idaresayitwas。”hereturned,withthesamesteadiness。“Itseemedtomepertinent;and,besides,whenyouaskmeformoneyuponnosecurity,youtreatmewiththelibertyofafriend,andit’stobepresumedthatIcandothelike。Butthepointis,doyouaccept?”
“No,thankyou。”saidI;“Ihaveanotherstringtomybow。”
“Allright。”saysMyner。“Besureit’shonest。”
“Honest?honest?”Icried。“Whatdoyoumeanbycallingmyhonestyinquestion?”
“Iwon’t,ifyoudon’tlikeit。”hereplied。“YouseemtothinkhonestyaseasyasBlindMan’sBuff:Idon’t。It’ssomedifferenceofdefinition。”
Iwentstraightfromthisirritatinginterview,duringwhichMynerhadneverdiscontinuedpainting,tothestudioofmyoldmaster。Onlyonecardremainedformetoplay,andIwasnowresolvedtoplayit:Imustdropthegentlemanandthefrock-coat,andapproachartintheworkman’stunic。
“Tiens,thislittleDodd!”criedthemaster;andthen,ashiseyefellonmydilapidatedclothing,IthoughtIcouldperceivehiscountenancetodarken。
ImademypleainEnglish;forIknew,ifhewerevainofanything,itwasofhisachievementoftheislandtongue。
“Master。”saidI,“willyoutakemeinyourstudioagain?butthistimeasaworkman。”
“Isoughtyourfazerwasimmenselyreech。”saidhe。
IexplainedtohimthatIwasnowanorphanandpenniless。
Heshookhishead。“Ihavebetterrworkmenwaitingatmydoor。”saidhe,“farbetterrworkmen。
“Youusedtothinksomethingofmywork,sir。”Ipleaded。
“Somesing,somesing——yes!”hecried;“enoughforasonofareechman——notenoughforanorphan。Besides,Isoughtyoumightlearntobeanartist;Ididnotsinkyoumightlearntobeaworkman。”
Onacertainbenchontheouterboulevard,notfarfromthetombofNapoleon,abenchshadedatthatdatebyashabbytree,andcommandingaviewofmuddyroadwayandblankwall,Isatdowntowrestlewithmymisery。Theweatherwascheerlessanddark;inthreedaysIhadeatenbutonce;Ihadnotobacco;myshoesweresoaked,mytrousershorridwithmire;
myhumourandallthecircumstancesofthetimeandplacelugubriouslyattuned。HereweretwomenwhohadbothspokenfairlyofmyworkwhileIwasrichandwantednothing;
nowthatIwaspoorandlackedall:“nogenius。”saidtheone;
“notenoughforanorphan。”theother;andthefirstofferedmemypassagelikeapauperimmigrant,andthesecondrefusedmeaday’swageasahewerofstone——plaindealingforanemptybelly。Theyhadnotbeeninsincereinthepast;theywerenotinsincereto-day:changeofcircumstancehadintroducedanewcriterion:thatwasall。
ButifIacquittedmytwoJob’scomfortersofinsincerity,Iwasyetfarfromadmittingtheminfallible。Artistshadbeencontemnedbefore,andhadlivedtoturnthelaughontheircontemners。HowoldwasCorotbeforehestrucktheveinofhisownpreciousmetal?Whenhadayoungmanbeenmorederidedormorejustlysothanthegodofmyadmiration,Balzac?OrifIrequiredabolderinspiration,whathadItodobutturnmyheadtowherethegolddomeoftheInvalidesglitteredagainstinkysqualls,andrecallthetaleofhimsleepingthere:fromthedaywhenayoungartillery-subcouldbegiggledatandnicknamedPuss-in-Bootsbyfriskymisses;
ontothedaysofsomanycrownsandsomanyvictories,andsomanyhundredmouthsofcannon,andsomanythousandwar-
hoofstramplingtheroadwaysofastonishedEuropeeightymilesinfrontofthegrandarmy?Togoback,togiveup,toproclaimmyselfafailure,anambitiousfailure,firstarocket,thenastick!I,LoudonDodd,whohadrefusedallotherlivelihoodswithscorn,andbeenadvertisedintheSaintJoseph_SundayHerald_asapatriotandanartist,tobereturneduponmynativeMuskegonlikedamagedgoods,andgothecircuitofmyfather’sacquaintance,capinhand,andbeggingtosweepoffices!No,byNapoleon!Iwoulddieatmychosentrade;andthetwowhohadthatdayfloutedmeshouldlivetoenvymysuccess,ortoweeptearsofunavailingpenitencebehindmypaupercoffin。
Meantime,ifmycouragewasstillundiminished,Iwasnonethenearertoameal。Atnogreatdistancemycabman’seating-
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