housestood,atthetailofamuddycab-rank,ontheshoresofawidethoroughfareofmud,offeringtofancyafaceofambiguousinvitation。Imightbereceived,Imightoncemorefillmybellythere;ontheotherhand,itwasperhapsthisdaytheboltwasdestinedtofall,andImightbeexpelledinstead,withvulgarhubbub。Itwaspolicytomaketheattempt,andI
knewitwaspolicy;butIhadalready,inthecourseofthatonemorning,enduredtoomanyaffronts,andIfeltIcouldratherstarvethanfaceanother。Ihadcourageandtospareforthefuture,noneleftforthatday;courageforthemaincampaign,butnotasparkofitforthatpreliminaryskirmishofthecabman’srestaurant。Icontinuedaccordinglytosituponmybench,notfarfromtheashesofNapoleon,nowdrowsy,nowlight-headed,nowincompletementalobstruction,oronlyconsciousofananimalpleasureinquiescence;andnowthinking,planning,andrememberingwithunexampledclearness,tellingmyselftalesofsuddenwealth,andgustfullyorderingandgreedilyconsumingimaginarymeals:inthecourseofwhichImusthavedroppedasleep。
ItwastowardsdarkthatIwassuddenlyrecalledtofaminebyacoldsouseofrain,andsprangshiveringtomyfeet。ForamomentIstoodbewildered:thewholetrainofmyreasoninganddreamingpassedafreshthroughmymind;Iwasagaintempted,drawnasifwithcords,bytheimageofthecabman’seating-house,andagainrecoiledfromthepossibilityofinsult。
“Quidortdine。”thoughtItomyself;andtookmyhomewardwaywithwaveringfootsteps,throughrainystreetsinwhichthelampsandtheshop-windowsnowbegantogleam;stillmarshallingimaginarydinnersasIwent。
“Ah,MonsieurDodd。”saidtheporter,“therehasbeenaregisteredletterforyou。Thefacteurwillbringitagainto-morrow。”
Aregisteredletterforme,whohadbeensolongwithoutone?
Ofwhatitcouldpossiblycontain,Ihadnovestigeofaguess;
nordidIdelaymyselfguessing;farlessformanyconsciousplanofdishonesty:theliesflowedfrommelikeanaturalsecretion。
“O。”saidI,“myremittanceatlast!WhatabotherIshouldhavemissedit!Canyoulendmeahundredfrancsuntilto-morrow?”
Ihadneverattemptedtoborrowfromtheportertillthatmoment:theregisteredletterwas,besides,mywarranty;andhegavemewhathehad——threenapoleonsandsomefrancsinsilver。Ipocketedthemoneycarelessly,lingeredawhilechaffing,strolledleisurelytothedoor;andthenfastasmytremblinglegscouldcarrymeroundthecornertotheCafedeCluny。Frenchwaitersaredeftandspeedy;theywerenotdeftenoughforme;andIhadscarcedecencytoletthemansetthewineuponthetableorputthebutteralongsidethebread,beforemyglassandmymouthwerefilled。ExquisitebreadoftheCafeCluny,exquisitefirstglassofoldPomardtinglingtomywetfeet,indescribablefirstoliveculledfromthehorsd’oeuvre——Isuppose,whenIcometoliedying,andthelampbeginstogrowdim,Ishallstillrecallyoursavour。Overtherestofthatmeal,andtherestoftheevening,cloudsliethick;
cloudsperhapsofBurgundy;perhaps,moreproperly,offamineandrepletion。
Irememberclearly,atleast,theshame,thedespair,ofthenextmorning,whenIreviewedwhatIhaddone,andhowIhadswindledthepoorhonestporter;and,asifthatwerenotenough,fairlyburntmyships,andbroughtbankruptcyhometothatlastrefuge,mygarret。Theporterwouldexpecthismoney;
Icouldnotpayhim;herewasscandalinthehouse;andIknewrightwellthecauseofscandalwouldhavetopack。“Whatdoyoumeanbycallingmyhonestyinquestion?”Ihadcriedthedaybefore,turninguponMyner。Ah,thatdaybefore!thedaybeforeWaterloo,thedaybeforetheFlood;thedaybeforeIhadsoldtheroofovermyhead,myfuture,andmyself-respect,foradinnerattheCafeCluny!
Inthemidstoftheselamentationsthefamousregisteredlettercametomydoor,withhealingunderitsseals。ItborethepostmarkofSanFrancisco,wherePinkertonwasalreadystrugglingtotheneckinmultifariousaffairs:itrenewedtheofferofanallowance,whichhisimprovedestatepermittedhimtoannounceatthefigureoftwohundredfrancsamonth;andincaseIwasinsomeimmediatepinch,itenclosedanintroductorydraftforfortydollars。Thereareathousandexcellentreasonswhyaman,inthisself-helpfulepoch,shoulddeclinetobedependentonanother;butthemostnumerousandcogentconsiderationsallbowtoanecessityassternasmine;
andthebankswerescarceopenerethedraftwascashed。
ItwasearlyinDecemberthatIthussoldmyselfintoslavery;
andforsixmonthsIdraggedaslowlylengtheningchainofgratitudeanduneasiness。AtthecostofsomedebtImanagedtoexcelmyselfandeclipsetheGeniusofMuskegon,inasmallbuthighlypatrioticStandardBearerfortheSalon;whitheritwasdulyadmitted,whereitstoodtheproperlengthofdaysentirelyunremarked,andwhenceitcamebacktomeaspatrioticasbefore。IthrewmywholesoulasPinkertonwouldhavephraseditintoclocksandcandlesticks;thedevilacandlestick-makerwouldhaveanythingtosaytomydesigns。
EvenwhenDijon,withhisinfinitegoodhumourandinfinitescornforallsuchjourney-work,consentedtopeddletheminindiscriminatelywithhisown,thedealersstilldetectedandrejectedmine。Hometheyreturnedtome,trueastheStandardBearer;whonow,attheheadofquitearegimentoflesseridols,begantogrowaneyesoreinthescantystudioofmyfriend。DijonandIhavesatbythehour,andgazeduponthatcompanyofimages。Thesevere,thefrisky,theclassical,theLouisQuinze,werethere——fromJoanofArcinhersoldierlycuirasstoLedawiththeswan;nay,andGodforgivemeforamanthatknewbetter!thehumorouswasrepresentedalso。Wesatandgazed,Isay;wecriticised,weturnedthemhitherandthither;evenupontheclosestinspectiontheylookedquitelikestatuettes;andyetnobodywouldhaveagiftofthem!
Vanitydieshard;insomeobstinatecasesitoutlivestheman:
butaboutthesixthmonth,whenIalreadyowedneartwohundreddollarstoPinkerton,andhalfasmuchagainindebtsscatteredaboutParis,Iawokeonemorningwithahorridsentimentofoppression,andfoundIwasalone:myvanityhadbreathedherlastduringthenight。Idarednotplungedeeperinthebog;Isawnohopeinmypoorstatuary;Iownedmyselfbeatenatlast;andsittingdowninmynightshirtbesidethewindow,whenceIhadaglimpseofthetree-topsatthecorneroftheboulevard,andwherethemusicofitsearlytrafficfellagreeablyuponmyear,IpennedmyfarewelltoParis,toart,tomywholepastlife,andmywholeformerself。“Igivein。”I
wrote。“Whenthenextallowancearrives,IshallgostraightoutWest,whereyoucandowhatyoulikewithme。”
ItistobeunderstoodthatPinkertonhadbeen,inasense,pressingmetocomefromthebeginning;depictinghisisolationamongnewacquaintances,“whohavenoneofthemyourculture。”hewrote;expressinghisfriendshipintermssowarmthatitsometimesembarrassedmetothinkhowpoorlyIcouldechothem;dwellinguponhisneedforassistance;andthenextmomentturningabouttocommendmyresolutionandpressmetoremaininParis。“Onlyremember,Loudon。”hewouldwrite,“ifyoueverDOtireofit,there’splentyofworkhereforyou——honest,hard,well-paidwork,developingtheresourcesofthispracticallyvirginState。AndofcourseIneedn’tsaywhatapleasureitwouldbetomeifweweregoingatitSHOULDER
TOSHOULDER。”ImarvellookingbackthatIcouldsolonghaveresistedtheseappeals,andcontinuetosinkmyfriend’smoneyinamannerthatIknewhimtodislike。Atleast,whenI
didawaketoanysenseofmyposition,Iawoketoitentirely;
anddeterminednotonlytofollowhiscounselforthefuture,butevenasregardsthepast,torectifyhislosses。ForinthisjunctureofaffairsIcalledtomindthatIwasnotwithoutapossibleresource,andresolved,atwhatevercostofmortification,tobeardtheLoudonfamilyintheirhistoriccity。
IntheexcellentScots’phrase,Imadeamoonlightflitting,athingneverdignified,butinmycaseunusuallyeasy。AsIhadscarceapairofbootsworthportage,Idesertedthewholeofmyeffectswithoutapang。DijonfellheirtoJoanofArc,theStandardBearer,andtheMusketeers。HewaspresentwhenI
boughtandfrugallystockedmynewportmanteau;anditwasatthedoorofthetrunkshopthatItookmyleaveofhim,formylastfewhoursinParismustbespentalone。ItwasaloneandatafarhigherfigurethanmyfinanceswarrantedthatI
discussedmydinner;alonethatItookmyticketatSaintLazare;allalone,thoughinacarriagefullofpeople,thatI
watchedthemoonshineontheSeinefloodwithitstuftedislets,onRouenwithherspires,andontheshippingintheharbourofDieppe。Whenthefirstlightofthemorningcalledmefromtroubledslumbersonthedeck,Ibeheldthedawnatfirstwithpleasure;IwatchedwithpleasurethegreenshoresofEnglandrisingoutofrosyhaze;Itookthesaltairwithdelightintomynostrils;andthenallcamebacktome;thatIwasnolongeranartist,nolongermyself;thatIwasleavingallIcaredfor,andreturningtoallthatIdetested,theslaveofdebtandgratitude,apublicandabrandedfailure。
Fromthispictureofmyowndisgraceandwretchedness,itisnotwonderfulifmymindturnedwithrelieftothethoughtofPinkerton,waitingforme,asIknew,withunweariedaffection,andregardingmewitharespectthatIhadneverdeserved,andmightthereforefairlyhopethatIshouldneverforfeit。Theinequalityofourrelationstruckmerudely。Imusthavebeenstupid,indeed,ifIcouldhaveconsideredthehistoryofthatfriendshipwithoutshame——I,whohadgivensolittle,whohadacceptedandprofitedbysomuch。IhadthewholedaybeforemeinLondon,andIdeterminedatleastinwordstosetthebalancesomewhatstraighter。Seatedinthecornerofapublicplace,andcallingforsheetaftersheetofpaper,Ipouredforththeexpressionofmygratitude,mypenitenceforthepast,myresolutionsforthefuture。Tillnow,Itoldhim,mycoursehadbeenmereselfishness。Ihadbeenselfishtomyfatherandtomyfriend,takingtheirhelp,anddenyingthemwhichwasalltheyaskedthepoorgratificationofmycompanyandcountenance。
Wonderfularetheconsolationsofliterature!Assoonasthatletterwaswrittenandposted,theconsciousnessofvirtueglowedinmyveinslikesomerarevintage。
Ireachedmyuncle’sdoornextmorningintimetositdownwiththefamilytobreakfast。Morethanthreeyearshadintervenedalmostwithoutmutationinthatstationaryhousehold,sinceIhadsattherefirst,ayoungAmericanfreshman,bewilderedamongunfamiliardainties,Finnanhaddock,kipperedsalmon,bapsandmuttonham,andhadweariedmymindinvaintoguesswhatshouldbeunderthetea-cosey。Iftherewereanychangeatall,itseemedthatIhadriseninthefamilyesteem。Myfather’sdeathoncefittinglyreferredto,withaceremoniallengtheningofScotchupperlipsandwaggingofthefemalehead,thepartylaunchedatonceGodhelpmeintothemorecheerfultopicofmyownsuccesses。Theyhadbeensopleasedtohearsuchgoodaccountsofme;Iwasquiteagreatmannow;wherewasthatbeautifulstatueoftheGeniusofSomethingorother?“Youhaven’tithere?nothere?Really?”asksthesprightliestofmycousins,shakingcurlsatme;asthoughitwerelikelyIhadbroughtitinacab,orkeptitconcealedaboutmypersonlikeabirthdaysurprise。Inthebosomofthisfamily,unaccustomedtothetropicalnonsenseoftheWest,itbecameplainthe_SundayHerald_andpoor,bletheringPinkertonhadbeenacceptedfortheirface。Itisnotpossibletoinventacircumstancethatcouldhavemoredepressedme;andIamconsciousthatIbehavedallthroughthatbreakfastlikeawhiptschoolboy。
Atlength,themealandfamilyprayersbeingbothhappilyover,IrequestedthefavourofaninterviewwithUncleAdamon“thestateofmyaffairs。”Atsoundofthisominousexpression,thegoodman’sfaceconspicuouslylengthened;andwhenmygrandfather,havinghadthepropositionrepeatedtohimforhewashardofhearingannouncedhisintentionofbeingpresentattheinterview,IcouldnotbutthinkthatUncleAdam’ssorrowkindledintomomentaryirritation。Nothing,however,buttheusualgrimcordialityappeareduponthesurface;andweallthreepassedceremoniouslytotheadjoininglibrary,agloomytheatreforadepressingpieceofbusiness。Mygrandfatherchargedaclaypipe,andsattremulouslysmokinginacornerofthefirelesschimney;behindhim,althoughthemorningwasbothchillanddark,thewindowwaspartlyopenandtheblindpartlydown:Icannotdepictwhatanairhehadofbeingoutofplace,likeamanshipwreckedthere。UncleAdamhadhisstationatthebusinesstableinthemidst。
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