OpesStrepitumque。
　　Thefoodofthebodydiffersnotsogreatlyforthefoolorthesage，theelephantorthecock-sparrow；andsimilarchemicalelements，variouslydisguised，supportallmortals。AbriefstudyofPinkertoninhisnewsettingconvincedmeofakindredtruthaboutthatotherandmentaldigestion，bywhichweextractwhatiscalled“funforourmoney“outoflife。Inthesamespiritasaschoolboy，deepinMayneReid，handlesadummygunandcrawlsamongimaginaryforests，PinkertonspedthroughKearneyStreetuponhisdailybusiness，representingtohimselfahighlycolouredpartinlife’sperformance，andhappyforhoursifheshouldhavechancedtobrushagainstamillionnaire。Realitywashisromance；hegloriedtobethusengaged；hewallowedinhisbusiness。
　　SupposeamantodigupagalleonontheCoromandelcoast，hisrakishschoonerkeepingthewhileanoffingundereasysail，andhe，bytheblazeofagreatfireofwreckwood，tomeasureingotsbythebucketfulontheuproariousbeach：suchanonemightrealiseagreatermaterialspoil；heshouldhavenomoreprofitofromancethanPinkertonwhenhecastuphisweeklybalance-sheetinabaldoffice。Everydollargainedwaslikesomethingbroughtashorefromamysteriousdeep；everyventuremadewaslikeadiver’splunge；andashethrusthisboldhandintotheplexusofthemoney-market，hewasdelightedlyawareofhowheshookthepillarsofexistence，turnedoutmenasatabattle-crytolabourinfarcountries，andsetthegoldtwitchinginthedrawersofmillionnaires。
　　Icouldneverfathomthefullextentofhisspeculations；buttherewerefiveseparatebusinesseswhichheavowedandcarriedlikeabanner。TheThirteenStarGoldenStateBrandy，WarrantedEntireaveryflagrantdistillationfilledagreatpartofhisthoughts，andwaskeptbeforethepublicinaneloquentbutmisleadingtreatise：_WhyDrinkFrenchBrandy？AWordtotheWise。_Hekeptanofficeforadvertisers，counselling，designing，actingasmiddlemanwithprintersandbill-stickers，fortheinexperiencedortheuninspired：thedullhaberdashercametohimforideas，thesmarttheatricalagentforhislocalknowledge；andoneandalldepartedwithacopyofhispamphlet：_How，When，andWhere；or，theAdvertiser’sVade-Mecum。_HehadatugcharteredeverySaturdayafternoonandnight，carriedpeopleoutsidetheHeads，andprovidedthemwithlinesandbaitforsixhours’fishing，attherateoffivedollarsaperson。Iamtoldthatsomeofthemdoubtlessadroitanglersmadeaprofitonthetransaction。
　　Occasionallyheboughtwrecksandcondemnedvessels；theselatterIcannottellyouhowfoundtheirwaytoseaagainunderaliases，andcontinuedtostemthewavestriumphantlyenoughunderthecoloursofBoliviaorNicaragua。Lastly，therewasacertainagriculturalengine，gloryinginagreatdealofvermilionandbluepaint，andfillingitappeareda“long-feltwant。”inwhichhisinterestwassomethinglikeatenth。
　　Thisforthefaceorfrontofhisconcerns。“Ontheoutside。”ashephrasedit，hewasvariouslyandmysteriouslyengaged。Nodollarsleptinhispossession；ratherhekeptallsimultaneouslyflyinglikeaconjurerwithoranges。Myownearnings，whenI
　　begantohaveashare，hewouldbutshowmeforamoment，anddisperseagain，likethoseillusivemoneygiftswhichareflashedintheeyesofchildhoodonlytobeentombedinthemissionarybox。Andhewouldcomedownradiantfromaweeklybalance-sheet，clapmeontheshoulder，declarehimselfawinnerbyGargantuanfigures，andprovedestituteofaquarterforadrink。
　　“Whatonearthhaveyoudonewithit？”Iwouldask。
　　“Intothemillagain；allre-invested！”hewouldcry，withinfinitedelight。Investmentwaseverhisword。Hecouldnotbearwhathecalledgambling。“Nevertouchstocks，Loudon。”hewouldsay；“nothingbutlegitimatebusiness。”Andyet，Heavenknows，manyaninduratedgamblermighthavedrawnbackappalledatthefirsthintofsomeofPinkerton’sinvestments！
　　One，whichIsucceededintrackinghome，andinstanceforaspecimen，wasaseventhshareinthecharterofacertainill-
　　starredschoonerboundforMexico，tosmuggleweaponsontheonetrip，andcigarsupontheother。Thelatterendofthisenterprise，involvingasitdidshipwreck，confiscation，andalawsuitwiththeunderwriters，wastoopainfultobedweltuponatlength。“It’sprovedadisappointment。”wasasfarasmyfriendwouldgowithmeinwords；butIknew，fromobservation，thatthefabricofhisfortunestottered。Fortherest，itwasonlybyaccidentIgotwindofthetransaction；forPinkerton，afteratime，wasshyofintroducingmetohisarcana：thereasonyouaretohearpresently。
　　Theofficewhichwasorshouldhavebeenthepointofrestforsomanyevolvingdollarsstoodintheheartofthecity：ahighandspaciousroom，withmanyplate-glasswindows。Aglazedcabinetofpolishedredwoodofferedtotheeyearegimentofsometwohundredbottles，conspicuouslylabelled。ThesewereallchargedwithPinkerton’sThirteenStar，althoughfromacrosstheroomitwouldhaverequiredanexperttodistinguishthemfromthesamenumberofbottlesofCourvoisier。Iusedtotwitmyfriendwiththisresemblance，andproposeaneweditionofthepamphlet，withthetitlethusimproved：_WhyDrinkFrenchBrandy，whenwegiveyouthesamelabels？_
　　Thedoorsofthecabinetrevolvedalldayupontheirhinges；andifthereenteredanyonewhowasastrangertothemeritsofthebrand，hedepartedladenwithabottle。WhenIusedtoprotestatthisextravagance，“MydearLoudon。”Pinkertonwouldcry，“youdon’tseemtocatchontobusinessprinciples！Theprimecostofthespiritisliterallynothing。Icouldn’tfindacheaperadvertisementifItried。”Againstthesidepostofthecabinetthereleanedagaudyumbrella，preservedthereasarelic。ItappearsthatwhenPinkertonwasabouttoplaceThirteenStaruponthemarket，therainyseasonwasathand。Helaydark，almostinpenury，awaitingthefirstshower，atwhich，asuponasignal，themainthoroughfaresbecamedottedwithhisagents，vendorsofadvertisements；andthewholeworldofSanFrancisco，fromthebusinessmanfleeingfortheferry-boat，totheladywaitingatthecornerforhercar，sheltereditselfunderumbrellaswiththisstrangedevice：Areyouwet？TryThirteenStar。“Itwasamammothboom。”saidPinkerton，withasighofdelightedrecollection。“Therewasn’tanotherumbrellatobeseen。Istoodatthiswindow，Loudon，feastingmyeyes；andI
　　declare，IfeltlikeVanderbilt。”Anditwastothisneatapplicationofthelocalclimatethatheowed，notonlymuchofthesaleofThirteenStar，butthewholebusinessofhisadvertisingagency。
　　Thelargedesktoresumeoursurveyoftheofficestoodaboutthemiddle，knee-deepinstacksofhandbillsandposters，of_WhyDrinkFrenchBrandy？_and_TheAdvertiser’sVade-
　　Mecum。_Itwasflankedupontheonehandbytwofemaletype-writers，whorestednotbetweenthehoursofnineandfour，andupontheotherbyamodeloftheagriculturalmachine。Thewalls，wheretheywerenotbrokenbytelephoneboxesandacoupleofphotographs——onerepresentingthewreckoftheJamesL。Moodyonaboldandbrokencoast，theothertheSaturdaytugalivewithamateurfishers——almostdisappearedunderoil-paintingsgaudilyframed。ManyofthesewererelicsoftheLatinQuarter，andImustdoPinkertonthejusticetosaythatnoneofthemwerebad，andsomehadremarkablemerit。Theywentoffslowlybutforhandsomefigures；andtheirplaceswereprogressivelysuppliedwiththeworkoflocalartists。Theselastitwasoneofmyfirstdutiestoreviewandcriticise。Someofthemwerevillainous，yetallweresaleable。Isaidso；andthenextmomentsawmyself，thefigureofamiserablerenegade，bearingarmsinthewrongcamp。Iwastolookatpicturesthenceforward，notwiththeeyeoftheartist，butthedealer；andIsawthestreamwidenthatdividedmefromallIloved。
　　“Now，Loudon。”Pinkertonhadsaid，themorningafterthelecture，“nowLoudon，wecangoatitshouldertoshoulder。
　　ThisiswhatIhavelongedfor：Iwantedtwoheadsandfourarms；andnowIhave’em。You’llfindit’sjustthesameasart——allobservationandimagination；onlymoremovement。
　　Justwaittillyoubegintofeelthecharm！”
　　Imighthavewaitedlong。PerhapsIlackasense；forourwholeexistenceseemedtomeonedrearybustle，andtheplacewebustledinfitlytobecalledthePlaceofYawning。Isleptinalittledenbehindtheoffice；Pinkerton，intheofficeitself，stretchedonapatentsofawhichsometimescollapsed，hisslumbersstillfurthermenacedbyanimminentclockwithanalarm。Rousedbythisdiabolicalcontrivance，weroseearly，wentforthearlytobreakfast，andreturnedbyninetowhatPinkertoncalledwork，andIdistraction。Massesoflettersmustbeopened，read，andanswered；somebymeatasubsidiarydeskwhichhadbeenintroducedonthemorningofmyarrival；othersbymybright-eyedfriend，pacingtheroomlikeacagedlionashedictatedtothetinklingtype-writers。
　　Massesofwetproofhadtobeoverhauledandscrawleduponwithabluepencil——“rustic“——“six-inchcaps“——“boldspacinghere“——orsometimestermsmorefervid，asforinstancethis，whichIrememberPinkertontohavespirtedonthemarginofanadvertisementofSoothingSyrup：“Throwthisalldown。
　　Haveyouneverprintedanadvertisement？I’llberoundinhalfanhour。”Theledgerandsale-book，besides，wehadalwayswithus。Suchwasthebackboneofouroccupation，andtolerableenough；butthefargreaterproportionofourtimewasconsumedbyvisitors，whole-souled，grandfellowsnodoubt，andassharpasaneedle，buttomeunfortunatelynotdiverting。
　　Somewereapparentlyhalf-witted，andmustbetalkedoverbythehourbeforetheycouldreachthehumblestdecision，whichtheyonlylefttheofficetoreturnagaintenminuteslaterandrescind。Otherscamewithavastshowofhurryanddespatch，butIobservedittobeprincipallyshow。Theagriculturalmodelforinstance，whichwaspracticable，provedakindofflypaperforthesebusybodies。Ihaveseenthemblanklyturnthecrankofitforfiveminutesatatime，simulatingtonobody’sdeceptionbusinessinterest：“Goodthingthis，Pinkerton？Sellmuchofit？Ha！Couldn’tuseit，Isuppose，asamediumofadvertisementformyarticle？”——whichwasperhapstoiletsoap。Othersastillworsevarietycarriedustoneighbouringsaloonstodiceforcocktailsandafterthecocktailswerepaidfordollarsonacornerofthecounter。Theattractionofdiceforallthesepeoplewasindeedextraordinary：
　　atacertainclub，whereIoncedinedinthecharacterof“mypartner，Mr。Dodd。”thedice-boxcameonthetablewiththewine，anartlesssubstituteforafter-dinnerwit。
　　Ofallourvisitors，IbelieveIpreferredEmperorNorton；theverymentionofwhosenameremindsmeIamdoingscantyjusticetothefolksofSanFrancisco。InwhatothercitywouldaharmlessmadmanwhosupposedhimselfemperorofthetwoAmericashavebeensofosteredandencouraged？Whereelsewouldeventhepeopleofthestreetshaverespectedthepoorsoul’sillusion？Whereelsewouldbankersandmerchantshavereceivedhisvisits，cashedhischeques，andsubmittedtohissmallassessments？Whereelsewouldhehavebeensufferedtoattendandaddresstheexhibitiondaysofschoolsandcolleges？
　　whereelse，inGod’sgreenearth，havetakenhispickofrestaurants，ransackedthebilloffare，anddepartedscathless？
　　Theytellmehewasevenanexactingpatron，threateningtowithdrawhiscustomwhendissatisfied；andIcanbelieveit，forhisfaceworeanexpressiondistinctlygastronomical。Pinkertonhadreceivedfromthismonarchacabinetappointment；Ihaveseenthebrevet，wonderingmainlyatthegoodnatureoftheprinterwhohadexecutedtheforms，andIthinkmyfriendwasattheheadeitherofforeignaffairsoreducation：itmattered，indeed，nothing，theprestationbeinginallofficesidentical。ItwasatacomparativelyearlydatethatIsawJimintheexerciseofhispublicfunctions。HisMajestyenteredtheoffice——aportly，ratherflabbyman，withthefaceofagentleman，renderedunspeakablypatheticandabsurdbythegreatsabreathissideandthepeacock’sfeatherinhishat。
　　“Ihavecalledtoremindyou，Mr。Pinkerton，thatyouaresomewhatinarrearoftaxes。”hesaid，withold-fashioned，statelycourtesy。
　　“Well，yourMajesty，whatistheamount？”askedJim；andwhenthefigurewasnameditwasgenerallytwoorthreedollars，paiduponthenailandofferedabonusintheshapeofThirteenStar。
　　“Iamalwaysdelightedtopatronisenativeindustries。”saidNortontheFirst。“SanFranciscoispublic-spiritedinwhatconcernsitsEmperor；andindeed，sir，ofallmydomains，itismyfavouritecity。”
　　“Come。”saidI，whenhewasgone，“Ipreferthatcustomertothelot。”
　　“It’sreallyratheradistinction。”Jimadmitted。“Ithinkitmusthavebeentheumbrellaracketthatattractedhim。”