HehadcrossedhisRubicon——notperhapsveryheroicallyordramatically,butthenitisonlyindramasthatpeopleactdramatically。Atanyrate,byhookorbycrook,hehadscrambledover,andwasoutupontheotherside。Alreadyhethoughtofmuchwhichhewouldgladlyhavesaid,andblamedhiswantofpresenceofmind;but,afterall,itmatteredverylittle。Inclinedthoughhewastomakeverygreatallowancesforhisfatherandmother,hewasindignantattheirhavingthrustthemselvesuponhimwithoutwarningatamomentwhentheexcitementofleavingprisonwasalreadyasmuchashewasfitfor。Itwasameanadvantagetohavetakenoverhim,buthewasgladtheyhadtakenit,foritmadehimrealisemorefullythaneverthathisonechancelayinseparatinghimselfcompletelyfromthem。
Themorningwasgrey,andthefirstsignsofwinterfogwerebeginningtoshowthemselves,foritwasnowthe30thofSeptember。
Ernestworetheclothesinwhichhehadenteredprison,andwasthereforedressedasaclergyman。Noonewholookedathimwouldhaveseenanydifferencebetweenhispresentappearanceandhisappearancesixmonthspreviously;indeed,ashewalkedslowlythroughthedingycrowdedlanecalledEyreStreetHillwhichhewellknew,forhehadclericalfriendsinthatneighbourhood,themonthshehadpassedinprisonseemedtodropoutofhislife,andsopowerfullydidassociationcarryhimawaythat,findinghimselfinhisolddressandinhisoldsurroundings,hefeltdraggedbackintohisoldself——asthoughhissixmonthsofprisonlifehadbeenadreamfromwhichhewasnowwakingtotakethingsupashehadleftthem。Thiswastheeffectofunchangedsurroundingsupontheunchangedpartofhim。Buttherewasachangedpart,andtheeffectofunchangedsurroundingsuponthiswastomakeeverythingseemalmostasstrangeasthoughhehadneverhadanylifebuthisprisonone,andwasnowbornintoanewworld。
Allourliveslong,everydayandeveryhour,weareengagedintheprocessofaccommodatingourchangedandunchangedselvestochangedandunchangedsurroundings;living,infact,innothingelsethanthisprocessofaccommodation;whenwefailinitalittlewearestupid,whenwefailflagrantlywearemad,whenwesuspendittemporarilywesleep,whenwegiveuptheattemptaltogetherwedie。
Inquiet,uneventfullivesthechangesinternalandexternalaresosmallthatthereislittleornostrainintheprocessoffusionandaccommodation;inotherlivesthereisgreatstrain,butthereisalsogreatfusingandaccommodatingpower;inothersgreatstrainwithlittleaccommodatingpower。Alifewillbesuccessfulornotaccordingasthepowerofaccommodationisequaltoorunequaltothestrainoffusingandadjustinginternalandexternalchanges。
Thetroubleisthatintheendweshallbedriventoadmittheunityoftheuniversesocompletelyastobecompelledtodenythatthereiseitheranexternaloraninternal,butmustseeeverythingbothasexternalandinternalatoneandthesametime,subjectandobject——externalandinternal——beingunifiedasmuchaseverythingelse。Thiswillknockourwholesystemover,buttheneverysystemhasgottobeknockedoverbysomething。
Muchthebestwayoutofthisdifficultyistogoinforseparationbetweeninternalandexternal——subjectandobject——whenwefindthisconvenient,andunitybetweenthesamewhenwefindunityconvenient。Thisisillogical,butextremesarealonelogical,andtheyarealwaysabsurd,themeanisalonepracticableanditisalwaysillogical。Itisfaithandnotlogicwhichisthesupremearbiter。TheysayallroadsleadtoRome,andallphilosophiesthatIhaveeverseenleadultimatelyeithertosomegrossabsurdity,orelsetotheconclusionalreadymorethanonceinsistedoninthesepages,thatthejustshalllivebyfaith,thatistosaythatsensiblepeoplewillgetthroughlifebyruleofthumbastheymayinterpretitmostconvenientlywithoutaskingtoomanyquestionsforconsciencesake。Takeanyfact,andreasonuponittothebitterend,anditwillerelongleadtothisastheonlyrefugefromsomepalpablefolly。
Buttoreturntomystory。WhenErnestgottothetopofthestreetandlookedback,hesawthegrimy,sullenwallsofhisprisonfillinguptheendofit。Hepausedforaminuteortwo。“There。”
hesaidtohimself,“IwashemmedinbyboltswhichIcouldseeandtouch;hereIambarredbyotherswhicharenonethelessreal——
povertyandignoranceoftheworld。Itwasnopartofmybusinesstotrytobreakthematerialboltsofironandescapefromprison,butnowthatIamfreeImustsurelyseektobreaktheseothers。”
Hehadreadsomewhereofaprisonerwhohadmadehisescapebycuttinguphisbedsteadwithanironspoon。Headmiredandmarvelledattheman’smind,butcouldnoteventrytoimitatehim;
inthepresenceofimmaterialbarriers,however,hewasnotsoeasilydaunted,andfeltasthough,evenifthebedwereironandthespoonawoodenone,hecouldfindsomemeansofmakingthewoodcuttheironsoonerorlater。
HeturnedhisbackuponEyreStreetHillandwalkeddownLeatherLaneintoHolborn。Eachstephetook,eachfaceorobjectthatheknew,helpedatoncetolinkhimontothelifehehadledbeforehisimprisonment,andatthesametimetomakehimfeelhowcompletelythatimprisonmenthadcuthislifeintotwoparts,theoneofwhichcouldbearnoresemblancetotheother。
HepasseddownFetterLaneintoFleetStreetandsototheTemple,towhichIhadjustreturnedfrommysummerholiday。Itwasabouthalfpastnine,andIwashavingmybreakfast,whenIheardatimidknockatthedoorandopenedittofindErnest。
IhadbeguntolikehimonthenightTowneleyhadsentforme,andonthefollowingdayIthoughthehadshapedwell。Ihadlikedhimalsoduringourinterviewinprison,andwantedtoseemoreofhim,sothatImightmakeupmymindabouthim。Ihadlivedlongenoughtoknowthatsomemenwhodogreatthingsintheendarenotverywisewhentheyareyoung;knowingthathewouldleaveprisononthe30th,Ihadexpectedhim,and,asIhadasparebedroom,pressedhimtostaywithme,tillhecouldmakeuphismindwhathewoulddo。
Beingsomucholderthanhewas,Ianticipatednotroubleingettingmyownway,buthewouldnothearofit。Theutmosthewouldassenttowasthatheshouldbemyguesttillhecouldfindaroomforhimself,whichhewouldsetaboutdoingatonce。
Hewasstillmuchagitated,butgrewbetterasheateabreakfast,notofprisonfareandinacomfortableroom。Itpleasedmetoseethedelighthetookinallabouthim;thefireplacewithafireinit;theeasychairs,theTimes,mycat,theredgeraniumsinthewindow,tosaynothingofcoffee,breadandbutter,sausages,marmalade,etc。Everythingwaspregnantwiththemostexquisitepleasuretohim。Theplanetreeswerefullofleafstill;hekeptrisingfromthebreakfasttabletoadmirethem;nevertillnow,hesaid,hadheknownwhattheenjoymentofthesethingsreallywas。
Heate,looked,laughedandcriedbyturns,withanemotionwhichI
canneitherforgetnordescribe。
Hetoldmehowhisfatherandmotherhadlaininwaitforhim,ashewasabouttoleaveprison。Iwasfurious,andapplaudedhimheartilyforwhathehaddone。Hewasverygratefultomeforthis。
Otherpeople,hesaid,wouldtellhimheoughttothinkofhisfatherandmotherratherthanofhimself,anditwassuchacomforttofindsomeonewhosawthingsashesawthemhimself。EvenifI
haddifferedfromhimIshouldnothavesaidso,butIwasofhisopinion,andwasalmostasmuchobligedtohimforseeingthingsasIsawthem,ashetomefordoingthesamekindofficebyhimself。
CordiallyasIdislikedTheobaldandChristina,IwasinsuchahopelessminorityintheopinionIhadformedconcerningthemthatitwaspleasanttofindsomeonewhoagreedwithme。
Thentherecameanawfulmomentforbothofus。
Aknock,asofavisitorandnotapostman,washeardatmydoor。
“Goodnessgracious。”Iexclaimed,“whydidn’twesporttheoak?
Perhapsitisyourfather。Butsurelyhewouldhardlycomeatthistimeofday!Goatonceintomybedroom。”
Iwenttothedoor,and,sureenough,therewerebothTheobaldandChristina。Icouldnotrefusetolettheminandwasobligedtolistentotheirversionofthestory,whichagreedsubstantiallywithErnest’s。Christinacriedbitterly——Theobaldstormed。Afterabouttenminutes,duringwhichIassuredthemthatIhadnotthefaintestconceptionwheretheirsonwas,Idismissedthemboth。I
sawtheylookedsuspiciouslyuponthemanifestsignsthatsomeonewasbreakfastingwithme,andpartedfrommemoreorlessdefiantly,butIgotridofthem,andpoorErnestcameoutagain,lookingwhite,frightenedandupset。Hehadheardvoices,butnomore,anddidnotfeelsurethattheenemymightnotbegainingoverme。Wesportedtheoaknow,andbeforelonghebegantorecover。
Afterbreakfast,wediscussedthesituation。IhadtakenawayhiswardrobeandbooksfromMrsJupp’s,buthadlefthisfurniture,picturesandpiano,givingMrsJupptheuseofthese,sothatshemightletherroomfurnished,inlieuofchargefortakingcareofthefurniture。AssoonasErnestheardthathiswardrobewasathand,hegotoutasuitofclotheshehadhadbeforehehadbeenordained,andputitonatonce,much,asIthought,totheimprovementofhispersonalappearance。
Thenwewentintothesubjectofhisfinances。HehadhadtenpoundsfromPryeronlyadayortwobeforehewasapprehended,ofwhichbetweensevenandeightwereinhispursewhenheenteredtheprison。Thismoneywasrestoredtohimonleaving。Hehadalwayspaidcashforwhateverhebought,sothattherewasnothingtobedeductedfordebts。Besidesthis,hehadhisclothes,booksandfurniture。Hecould,asIhavesaid,havehad100poundsfromhisfatherifhehadchosentoemigrate,butthisbothErnestandIforhebroughtmeroundtohisopinionagreeditwouldbebettertodecline。Thiswasallheknewofasbelongingtohim。
Hesaidheproposedatoncetakinganunfurnishedtopbackatticinasquietahouseashecouldfind,sayatthreeorfourshillingsaweek,andlookingoutforworkasatailor。Ididnotthinkitmuchmatteredwhathebeganwith,forIfeltprettysurehewoulderelongfindhiswaytosomethingthatsuitedhim,ifhecouldgetastartwithanythingatall。Thedifficultywashowtogethimstarted。Itwasnotenoughthatheshouldbeabletocutoutandmakeclothes——thatheshouldhavetheorgans,sotospeak,ofatailor;hemustbeputintoatailor’sshopandguidedforalittlewhilebysomeonewhoknewhowandwheretohelphim。
Therestofthedayhespentinlookingforaroom,whichhesoonfound,andinfamiliarisinghimselfwithliberty。IntheeveningI
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