首页 >出版文学> The Way of All Flesh>第56章
  HehadcrossedhisRubicon——notperhapsveryheroicallyordramatically,butthenitisonlyindramasthatpeopleactdramatically。Atanyrate,byhookorbycrook,hehadscrambledover,andwasoutupontheotherside。Alreadyhethoughtofmuchwhichhewouldgladlyhavesaid,andblamedhiswantofpresenceofmind;but,afterall,itmatteredverylittle。Inclinedthoughhewastomakeverygreatallowancesforhisfatherandmother,hewasindignantattheirhavingthrustthemselvesuponhimwithoutwarningatamomentwhentheexcitementofleavingprisonwasalreadyasmuchashewasfitfor。Itwasameanadvantagetohavetakenoverhim,buthewasgladtheyhadtakenit,foritmadehimrealisemorefullythaneverthathisonechancelayinseparatinghimselfcompletelyfromthem。
  Themorningwasgrey,andthefirstsignsofwinterfogwerebeginningtoshowthemselves,foritwasnowthe30thofSeptember。
  Ernestworetheclothesinwhichhehadenteredprison,andwasthereforedressedasaclergyman。Noonewholookedathimwouldhaveseenanydifferencebetweenhispresentappearanceandhisappearancesixmonthspreviously;indeed,ashewalkedslowlythroughthedingycrowdedlanecalledEyreStreetHillwhichhewellknew,forhehadclericalfriendsinthatneighbourhood,themonthshehadpassedinprisonseemedtodropoutofhislife,andsopowerfullydidassociationcarryhimawaythat,findinghimselfinhisolddressandinhisoldsurroundings,hefeltdraggedbackintohisoldself——asthoughhissixmonthsofprisonlifehadbeenadreamfromwhichhewasnowwakingtotakethingsupashehadleftthem。Thiswastheeffectofunchangedsurroundingsupontheunchangedpartofhim。Buttherewasachangedpart,andtheeffectofunchangedsurroundingsuponthiswastomakeeverythingseemalmostasstrangeasthoughhehadneverhadanylifebuthisprisonone,andwasnowbornintoanewworld。
  Allourliveslong,everydayandeveryhour,weareengagedintheprocessofaccommodatingourchangedandunchangedselvestochangedandunchangedsurroundings;living,infact,innothingelsethanthisprocessofaccommodation;whenwefailinitalittlewearestupid,whenwefailflagrantlywearemad,whenwesuspendittemporarilywesleep,whenwegiveuptheattemptaltogetherwedie。
  Inquiet,uneventfullivesthechangesinternalandexternalaresosmallthatthereislittleornostrainintheprocessoffusionandaccommodation;inotherlivesthereisgreatstrain,butthereisalsogreatfusingandaccommodatingpower;inothersgreatstrainwithlittleaccommodatingpower。Alifewillbesuccessfulornotaccordingasthepowerofaccommodationisequaltoorunequaltothestrainoffusingandadjustinginternalandexternalchanges。
  Thetroubleisthatintheendweshallbedriventoadmittheunityoftheuniversesocompletelyastobecompelledtodenythatthereiseitheranexternaloraninternal,butmustseeeverythingbothasexternalandinternalatoneandthesametime,subjectandobject——externalandinternal——beingunifiedasmuchaseverythingelse。Thiswillknockourwholesystemover,buttheneverysystemhasgottobeknockedoverbysomething。
  Muchthebestwayoutofthisdifficultyistogoinforseparationbetweeninternalandexternal——subjectandobject——whenwefindthisconvenient,andunitybetweenthesamewhenwefindunityconvenient。Thisisillogical,butextremesarealonelogical,andtheyarealwaysabsurd,themeanisalonepracticableanditisalwaysillogical。Itisfaithandnotlogicwhichisthesupremearbiter。TheysayallroadsleadtoRome,andallphilosophiesthatIhaveeverseenleadultimatelyeithertosomegrossabsurdity,orelsetotheconclusionalreadymorethanonceinsistedoninthesepages,thatthejustshalllivebyfaith,thatistosaythatsensiblepeoplewillgetthroughlifebyruleofthumbastheymayinterpretitmostconvenientlywithoutaskingtoomanyquestionsforconsciencesake。Takeanyfact,andreasonuponittothebitterend,anditwillerelongleadtothisastheonlyrefugefromsomepalpablefolly。
  Buttoreturntomystory。WhenErnestgottothetopofthestreetandlookedback,hesawthegrimy,sullenwallsofhisprisonfillinguptheendofit。Hepausedforaminuteortwo。“There。”
  hesaidtohimself,“IwashemmedinbyboltswhichIcouldseeandtouch;hereIambarredbyotherswhicharenonethelessreal——
  povertyandignoranceoftheworld。Itwasnopartofmybusinesstotrytobreakthematerialboltsofironandescapefromprison,butnowthatIamfreeImustsurelyseektobreaktheseothers。”
  Hehadreadsomewhereofaprisonerwhohadmadehisescapebycuttinguphisbedsteadwithanironspoon。Headmiredandmarvelledattheman’smind,butcouldnoteventrytoimitatehim;
  inthepresenceofimmaterialbarriers,however,hewasnotsoeasilydaunted,andfeltasthough,evenifthebedwereironandthespoonawoodenone,hecouldfindsomemeansofmakingthewoodcuttheironsoonerorlater。
  HeturnedhisbackuponEyreStreetHillandwalkeddownLeatherLaneintoHolborn。Eachstephetook,eachfaceorobjectthatheknew,helpedatoncetolinkhimontothelifehehadledbeforehisimprisonment,andatthesametimetomakehimfeelhowcompletelythatimprisonmenthadcuthislifeintotwoparts,theoneofwhichcouldbearnoresemblancetotheother。
  HepasseddownFetterLaneintoFleetStreetandsototheTemple,towhichIhadjustreturnedfrommysummerholiday。Itwasabouthalfpastnine,andIwashavingmybreakfast,whenIheardatimidknockatthedoorandopenedittofindErnest。
  IhadbeguntolikehimonthenightTowneleyhadsentforme,andonthefollowingdayIthoughthehadshapedwell。Ihadlikedhimalsoduringourinterviewinprison,andwantedtoseemoreofhim,sothatImightmakeupmymindabouthim。Ihadlivedlongenoughtoknowthatsomemenwhodogreatthingsintheendarenotverywisewhentheyareyoung;knowingthathewouldleaveprisononthe30th,Ihadexpectedhim,and,asIhadasparebedroom,pressedhimtostaywithme,tillhecouldmakeuphismindwhathewoulddo。
  Beingsomucholderthanhewas,Ianticipatednotroubleingettingmyownway,buthewouldnothearofit。Theutmosthewouldassenttowasthatheshouldbemyguesttillhecouldfindaroomforhimself,whichhewouldsetaboutdoingatonce。
  Hewasstillmuchagitated,butgrewbetterasheateabreakfast,notofprisonfareandinacomfortableroom。Itpleasedmetoseethedelighthetookinallabouthim;thefireplacewithafireinit;theeasychairs,theTimes,mycat,theredgeraniumsinthewindow,tosaynothingofcoffee,breadandbutter,sausages,marmalade,etc。Everythingwaspregnantwiththemostexquisitepleasuretohim。Theplanetreeswerefullofleafstill;hekeptrisingfromthebreakfasttabletoadmirethem;nevertillnow,hesaid,hadheknownwhattheenjoymentofthesethingsreallywas。
  Heate,looked,laughedandcriedbyturns,withanemotionwhichI
  canneitherforgetnordescribe。
  Hetoldmehowhisfatherandmotherhadlaininwaitforhim,ashewasabouttoleaveprison。Iwasfurious,andapplaudedhimheartilyforwhathehaddone。Hewasverygratefultomeforthis。
  Otherpeople,hesaid,wouldtellhimheoughttothinkofhisfatherandmotherratherthanofhimself,anditwassuchacomforttofindsomeonewhosawthingsashesawthemhimself。EvenifI
  haddifferedfromhimIshouldnothavesaidso,butIwasofhisopinion,andwasalmostasmuchobligedtohimforseeingthingsasIsawthem,ashetomefordoingthesamekindofficebyhimself。
  CordiallyasIdislikedTheobaldandChristina,IwasinsuchahopelessminorityintheopinionIhadformedconcerningthemthatitwaspleasanttofindsomeonewhoagreedwithme。
  Thentherecameanawfulmomentforbothofus。
  Aknock,asofavisitorandnotapostman,washeardatmydoor。
  “Goodnessgracious。”Iexclaimed,“whydidn’twesporttheoak?
  Perhapsitisyourfather。Butsurelyhewouldhardlycomeatthistimeofday!Goatonceintomybedroom。”
  Iwenttothedoor,and,sureenough,therewerebothTheobaldandChristina。Icouldnotrefusetolettheminandwasobligedtolistentotheirversionofthestory,whichagreedsubstantiallywithErnest’s。Christinacriedbitterly——Theobaldstormed。Afterabouttenminutes,duringwhichIassuredthemthatIhadnotthefaintestconceptionwheretheirsonwas,Idismissedthemboth。I
  sawtheylookedsuspiciouslyuponthemanifestsignsthatsomeonewasbreakfastingwithme,andpartedfrommemoreorlessdefiantly,butIgotridofthem,andpoorErnestcameoutagain,lookingwhite,frightenedandupset。Hehadheardvoices,butnomore,anddidnotfeelsurethattheenemymightnotbegainingoverme。Wesportedtheoaknow,andbeforelonghebegantorecover。
  Afterbreakfast,wediscussedthesituation。IhadtakenawayhiswardrobeandbooksfromMrsJupp’s,buthadlefthisfurniture,picturesandpiano,givingMrsJupptheuseofthese,sothatshemightletherroomfurnished,inlieuofchargefortakingcareofthefurniture。AssoonasErnestheardthathiswardrobewasathand,hegotoutasuitofclotheshehadhadbeforehehadbeenordained,andputitonatonce,much,asIthought,totheimprovementofhispersonalappearance。
  Thenwewentintothesubjectofhisfinances。HehadhadtenpoundsfromPryeronlyadayortwobeforehewasapprehended,ofwhichbetweensevenandeightwereinhispursewhenheenteredtheprison。Thismoneywasrestoredtohimonleaving。Hehadalwayspaidcashforwhateverhebought,sothattherewasnothingtobedeductedfordebts。Besidesthis,hehadhisclothes,booksandfurniture。Hecould,asIhavesaid,havehad100poundsfromhisfatherifhehadchosentoemigrate,butthisbothErnestandIforhebroughtmeroundtohisopinionagreeditwouldbebettertodecline。Thiswasallheknewofasbelongingtohim。
  Hesaidheproposedatoncetakinganunfurnishedtopbackatticinasquietahouseashecouldfind,sayatthreeorfourshillingsaweek,andlookingoutforworkasatailor。Ididnotthinkitmuchmatteredwhathebeganwith,forIfeltprettysurehewoulderelongfindhiswaytosomethingthatsuitedhim,ifhecouldgetastartwithanythingatall。Thedifficultywashowtogethimstarted。Itwasnotenoughthatheshouldbeabletocutoutandmakeclothes——thatheshouldhavetheorgans,sotospeak,ofatailor;hemustbeputintoatailor’sshopandguidedforalittlewhilebysomeonewhoknewhowandwheretohelphim。
  Therestofthedayhespentinlookingforaroom,whichhesoonfound,andinfamiliarisinghimselfwithliberty。IntheeveningI