首页 >出版文学> The Way of All Flesh>第6章
  believetwoorthreeheadsoffamiliesintheneighbourhoodgavetheirsonsabsolutelibertyofchoiceinthematteroftheirprofessions——andamnotsurethattheyhadnotafterwardsconsiderablecausetoregrethavingdoneso。Thevisitors,seeingTheobaldlookshyandwhollyunmovedbytheexhibitionofsomuchconsiderationforhiswishes,wouldremarktothemselvesthattheboyseemedhardlylikelytobeequaltohisfatherandwouldsethimdownasanunenthusiasticyouth,whooughttohavemorelifeinhimandbemoresensibleofhisadvantagesthanheappearedtobe。
  Noonebelievedintherighteousnessofthewholetransactionmorefirmlythantheboyhimself;asenseofbeingillateasekepthimsilent,butitwastooprofoundandtoomuchwithoutbreakforhimtobecomefullyalivetoit,andcometoanunderstandingwithhimself。Hefearedthedarkscowlwhichwouldcomeoverhisfather’sfaceupontheslightestopposition。Hisfather’sviolentthreats,orcoarsesneers,wouldnothavebeentakenauserieuxbyastrongerboy,butTheobaldwasnotastrongboy,andrightlyorwrongly,gavehisfathercreditforbeingquitereadytocarryhisthreatsintoexecution。Oppositionhadnevergothimanythinghewantedyet,norindeedhadyielding,forthematterofthat,unlesshehappenedtowantexactlywhathisfatherwantedforhim。Ifhehadeverentertainedthoughtsofresistance,hehadnonenow,andthepowertoopposewassocompletelylostforwantofexercisethathardlydidthewishremain;therewasnothingleftsavedullacquiescenceasofanasscrouchedbetweentwoburdens。Hemayhavehadanill-definedsenseofidealsthatwerenothisactuals;hemightoccasionallydreamofhimselfasasoldierorasailorfarawayinforeignlands,orevenasafarmer’sboyuponthewolds,buttherewasnotenoughinhimfortheretobeanychanceofhisturninghisdreamsintorealities,andhedriftedonwithhisstream,whichwasaslow,and,Iamafraid,amuddyone。
  IthinktheChurchCatechismhasagooddealtodowiththeunhappyrelationswhichcommonlyevennowexistbetweenparentsandchildren。Thatworkwaswrittentooexclusivelyfromtheparentalpointofview;thepersonwhocomposeditdidnotgetafewchildrentocomeinandhelphim;hewasclearlynotyounghimself,norshouldIsayitwastheworkofonewholikedchildren——inspiteofthewords“mygoodchild“which,ifIrememberrightly,areonceputintothemouthofthecatechistand,afterall,carryaharshsoundwiththem。Thegeneralimpressionitleavesuponthemindoftheyoungisthattheirwickednessatbirthwasbutveryimperfectlywipedoutatbaptism,andthatthemerefactofbeingyoungatallhassomethingwithitthatsavoursmoreorlessdistinctlyofthenatureofsin。
  IfaneweditionoftheworkiseverrequiredIshouldliketointroduceafewwordsinsistingonthedutyofseekingallreasonablepleasureandavoidingallpainthatcanbehonourablyavoided。Ishouldliketoseechildrentaughtthattheyshouldnotsaytheylikethingswhichtheydonotlike,merelybecausecertainotherpeoplesaytheylikethem,andhowfoolishitistosaytheybelievethisorthatwhentheyunderstandnothingaboutit。IfitbeurgedthattheseadditionswouldmaketheCatechismtoolongI
  wouldcurtailtheremarksuponourdutytowardsourneighbouranduponthesacraments。Intheplaceoftheparagraphbeginning“I
  desiremyLordGodourHeavenlyFather“Iwould——butperhapsIhadbetterreturntoTheobald,andleavetherecastingoftheCatechismtoablerhands。
  MrPontifexhadsethisheartonhisson’sbecomingafellowofacollegebeforehebecameaclergyman。Thiswouldprovideforhimatonceandwouldensurehisgettingalivingifnoneofhisfather’secclesiasticalfriendsgavehimone。Theboyhaddonejustwellenoughatschooltorenderthispossible,sohewassenttooneofthesmallercollegesatCambridgeandwasatoncesettoreadwiththebestprivatetutorsthatcouldbefound。AsystemofexaminationhadbeenadoptedayearorsobeforeTheobaldtookhisdegreewhichhadimprovedhischancesofafellowship,forwhateverabilityhehadwasclassicalratherthanmathematical,andthissystemgavemoreencouragementtoclassicalstudiesthanhadbeengivenhitherto。
  Theobaldhadthesensetoseethathehadachanceofindependenceifheworkedhard,andhelikedthenotionofbecomingafellow。Hethereforeappliedhimself,andintheendtookadegreewhichmadehisgettingafellowshipinallprobabilityamerequestionoftime。
  ForawhileMrPontifexseniorwasreallypleased,andtoldhissonhewouldpresenthimwiththeworksofanystandardwriterwhomhemightselect。TheyoungmanchosetheworksofBacon,andBaconaccordinglymadehisappearanceintennicelyboundvolumes。A
  littleinspection,however,showedthatthecopywasasecondhandone。
  Nowthathehadtakenhisdegreethenextthingtolookforwardtowasordination——aboutwhichTheobaldhadthoughtlittlehithertobeyondacquiescinginitassomethingthatwouldcomeasamatterofcoursesomeday。Now,however,ithadactuallycomeandwasassertingitselfasathingwhichshouldbeonlyafewmonthsoff,andthisratherfrightenedhiminasmuchastherewouldbenowayoutofitwhenhewasonceinit。Hedidnotlikethenearviewofordinationaswellasthedistantone,andevenmadesomefeebleeffortstoescape,asmaybeperceivedbythefollowingcorrespondencewhichhissonErnestfoundamonghisfather’spaperswrittenongilt-edgedpaper,infadedinkandtiedneatlyroundwithapieceoftape,butwithoutanynoteorcomment。Ihavealterednothing。Thelettersareasfollows:-
  “MydearFather,——Idonotlikeopeningupaquestionwhichhasbeenconsideredsettled,butasthetimeapproachesIbegintobeverydoubtfulhowfarIamfittedtobeaclergyman。Not,Iamthankfultosay,thatIhavethefaintestdoubtsabouttheChurchofEngland,andIcouldsubscribecordiallytoeveryoneofthethirty-ninearticleswhichdoindeedappeartometobetheneplusultraofhumanwisdom,andPaley,too,leavesnoloop-holeforanopponent;
  butIamsureIshouldberunningcountertoyourwishesifIweretoconcealfromyouthatIdonotfeeltheinwardcalltobeaministerofthegospelthatIshallhavetosayIhavefeltwhentheBishopordainsme。Itrytogetthisfeeling,Iprayforitearnestly,andsometimeshalfthinkthatIhavegotit,butinalittletimeitwearsoff,andthoughIhavenoabsoluterepugnancetobeingaclergymanandtrustthatifIamoneIshallendeavourtolivetotheGloryofGodandtoadvanceHisinterestsuponearth,yetIfeelthatsomethingmorethanthisiswantedbeforeIamfullyjustifiedingoingintotheChurch。IamawarethatIhavebeenagreatexpensetoyouinspiteofmyscholarships,butyouhaveevertaughtmethatIshouldobeymyconscience,andmyconsciencetellsmeIshoulddowrongifIbecameaclergyman。GodmayyetgivemethespiritforwhichIassureyouIhavebeenandamcontinuallypraying,butHemaynot,andinthatcasewoulditnotbebetterformetotryandlookoutforsomethingelse?IknowthatneitheryounorJohnwishmetogointoyourbusiness,nordoIunderstandanythingaboutmoneymatters,butistherenothingelsethatIcando?IdonotliketoaskyoutomaintainmewhileIgoinformedicineorthebar;butwhenIgetmyfellowship,whichshouldnotbelongfirst,Iwillendeavourtocostyounothingfurther,andI
  mightmakealittlemoneybywritingortakingpupils。Itrustyouwillnotthinkthisletterimproper;nothingisfurtherfrommywishthantocauseyouanyuneasiness。Ihopeyouwillmakeallowanceformypresentfeelingswhich,indeed,springfromnothingbutfromthatrespectformyconsciencewhichnoonehassoofteninstilledintomeasyourself。Prayletmehaveafewlinesshortly。Ihopeyourcoldisbetter。WithlovetoElizaandMaria,Iam,youraffectionateson,“THEOBALDPONTIFEX。”
  “DearTheobald,——Icanenterintoyourfeelingsandhavenowishtoquarrelwithyourexpressionofthem。Itisquiterightandnaturalthatyoushouldfeelasyoudoexceptasregardsonepassage,theimproprietyofwhichyouwillyourselfdoubtlessfeeluponreflection,andtowhichIwillnotfurtheralludethantosaythatithaswoundedme。Youshouldnothavesaid’inspiteofmyscholarships。’Itwasonlyproperthatifyoucoulddoanythingtoassistmeinbearingtheheavyburdenofyoureducation,themoneyshouldbe,asitwas,madeovertomyself。Everylineinyourletterconvincesmethatyouareundertheinfluenceofamorbidsensitivenesswhichisoneofthedevil’sfavouritedevicesforluringpeopletotheirdestruction。Ihave,asyousay,beenatgreatexpensewithyoureducation。Nothinghasbeensparedbymetogiveyoutheadvantages,which,asanEnglishgentleman,Iwasanxioustoaffordmyson,butIamnotpreparedtoseethatexpensethrownawayandtohavetobeginagainfromthebeginning,merelybecauseyouhavetakensomefoolishscruplesintoyourhead,whichyoushouldresistasnolessunjusttoyourselfthantome。
  “Don’tgivewaytothatrestlessdesireforchangewhichisthebaneofsomanypersonsofbothsexesatthepresentday。
  “Ofcourseyouneedn’tbeordained:nobodywillcompelyou;youareperfectlyfree;youaretwenty-threeyearsofage,andshouldknowyourownmind;butwhynothaveknownitsooner,insteadofneversomuchasbreathingahintofoppositionuntilIhavehadalltheexpenseofsendingyoutotheUniversity,whichIshouldneverhavedoneunlessIhadbelievedyoutohavemadeupyourmindabouttakingorders?Ihavelettersfromyouinwhichyouexpressthemostperfectwillingnesstobeordained,andyourbrotherandsisterswillbearmeoutinsayingthatnopressureofanysorthasbeenputuponyou。Youmistakeyourownmind,andaresufferingfromanervoustimiditywhichmaybeverynaturalbutmaynotthelessbepregnantwithseriousconsequencestoyourself。Iamnotatallwell,andtheanxietyoccasionedbyyourletterisnaturallypreyinguponme。MayGodguideyoutoabetterjudgement——Youraffectionatefather,G。PONTIFEX。”
  OnthereceiptofthisletterTheobaldpluckeduphisspirits。“Myfather。”hesaidtohimself,“tellsmeIneednotbeordainedifI
  donotlike。Idonotlike,andthereforeIwillnotbeordained。
  Butwhatwasthemeaningofthewords’pregnantwithseriousconsequencestoyourself’?Didtherelurkathreatunderthesewords——thoughitwasimpossibletolayholdofitorofthem?Weretheynotintendedtoproducealltheeffectofathreatwithoutbeingactuallythreatening?”
  Theobaldknewhisfatherwellenoughtobelittlelikelytomisapprehendhismeaning,buthavingventuredsofaronthepathofopposition,andbeingreallyanxioustogetoutofbeingordainedifhecould,hedeterminedtoventurefarther。Heaccordinglywrotethefollowing:
  “Mydearfather,——Youtellme——andIheartilythankyou——thatnoonewillcompelmetobeordained。Iknewyouwouldnotpressordinationuponmeifmyconsciencewasseriouslyopposedtoit;I
  havethereforeresolvedongivinguptheidea,andbelievethatifyouwillcontinuetoallowmewhatyoudoatpresent,untilIgetmyfellowship,whichshouldnotbelong,Iwillthenceaseputtingyoutofurtherexpense。IwillmakeupmymindassoonaspossiblewhatprofessionIwilladopt,andwillletyouknowatonce——Youraffectionateson,THEOBALDPONTIFEX。”