首页 >出版文学> The Way of All Flesh>第36章
  Therewasagraymistacrossthesun,sothattheeyecouldbearitslight,andErnest,whilemusingasabove,waslookingrightintothemiddleofthesunhimself,asintothefaceofonewhomheknewandwasfondof。Atfirsthisfacewasgrave,butkindly,asofatiredmanwhofeelsthatalongtaskisover;butinafewsecondsthemorehumoroussideofhismisfortunespresenteditselftohim,andhesmiledhalfreproachfully,halfmerrily,asthinkinghowlittleallthathadhappenedtohimreallymattered,andhowsmallwerehishardshipsascomparedwiththoseofmostpeople。Stilllookingintotheeyeofthesunandsmilingdreamily,hethoughthowhehadhelpedtoburnhisfatherineffigy,andhislookgrewmerrier,tillatlasthebrokeoutintoalaugh。Exactlyatthismomentthelightveilofcloudpartedfromthesun,andhewasbroughttoterrafirmabythebreakingforthofthesunshine。Onthishebecameawarethathewasbeingwatchedattentivelybyafellow-travelleroppositetohim,anelderlygentlemanwithalargeheadandiron-greyhair。
  “Myyoungfriend。”saidhe,good-naturedly,“youreallymustnotcarryonconversationswithpeopleinthesun,whileyouareinapublicrailwaycarriage。”
  Theoldgentlemansaidnotanotherword,butunfoldedhisTimesandbegantoreadit。AsforErnest,heblushedcrimson。Thepairdidnotspeakduringtherestofthetimetheywereinthecarriage,buttheyeyedeachotherfromtimetotime,sothatthefaceofeachwasimpressedontherecollectionoftheother。
  Somepeoplesaythattheirschooldayswerethehappiestoftheirlives。Theymayberight,butIalwayslookwithsuspicionuponthosewhomIhearsayingthis。Itishardenoughtoknowwhetheroneishappyorunhappynow,andstillhardertocomparetherelativehappinessorunhappinessofdifferenttimesofone’slife;
  theutmostthatcanbesaidisthatwearefairlyhappysolongaswearenotdistinctlyawareofbeingmiserable。AsIwastalkingwithErnestonedaynotsolongsinceaboutthis,hesaidhewassohappynowthathewassurehehadneverbeenhappier,anddidnotwishtobeso,butthatCambridgewasthefirstplacewherehehadeverbeenconsciouslyandcontinuouslyhappy。
  Howcananyboyfailtofeelanecstasyofpleasureonfirstfindinghimselfinroomswhichheknowsforthenextfewyearsaretobehiscastle?Herehewillnotbecompelledtoturnoutofthemostcomfortableplaceassoonashehasensconcedhimselfinitbecausepapaormammahappenstocomeintotheroom,andheshouldgiveituptothem。Themostcosychairhereisforhimself,thereisnooneeventosharetheroomwithhim,ortointerferewithhisdoingashelikesinit——smokingincluded。Why,ifsucharoomlookedoutbothbackandfrontontoablankdeadwallitwouldstillbeaparadise,howmuchmorethenwhentheviewisofsomequietgrassycourtorcloisterorgarden,asfromthewindowsofthegreaternumberofroomsatOxfordandCambridge。
  Theobald,asanoldfellowandtutorofEmmanuel——atwhichcollegehehadenteredErnest——wasabletoobtainfromthepresenttutoracertainpreferenceinthechoiceofrooms;Ernest’s,therefore,wereverypleasantones,lookingoutuponthegrassycourtthatisboundedbytheFellows’gardens。
  TheobaldaccompaniedhimtoCambridge,andwasathisbestwhiledoingso。Helikedthejaunt,andevenhewasnotwithoutacertainfeelingofprideinhavingafull-blownsonattheUniversity。SomeofthereflectedraysofthissplendourwereallowedtofalluponErnesthimself。Theobaldsaidhewas“willingtohope“——thiswasoneofhistags——thathissonwouldturnoveranewleafnowthathehadleftschool,andforhisownparthewas“onlytooready“——thiswasanothertag——toletbygonesbebygones。
  Ernest,notyethavinghisnameonthebooks,wasabletodinewithhisfatherattheFellows’tableofoneoftheothercollegesontheinvitationofanoldfriendofTheobald’s;hetheremadeacquaintancewithsundryofthegoodthingsofthislife,theverynamesofwhichwerenewtohim,andfeltasheatethemthathewasnowindeedreceivingaliberaleducation。WhenatlengththetimecameforhimtogotoEmmanuel,wherehewastosleepinhisnewrooms,hisfathercamewithhimtothegatesandsawhimsafeintocollege;afewminutesmoreandhefoundhimselfaloneinaroomforwhichhehadalatch-key。
  Fromthistimehedatedmanydayswhich,ifnotquiteunclouded,wereuponthewholeveryhappyones。Ineednothoweverdescribethem,asthelifeofaquietsteady-goingundergraduatehasbeentoldinascoreofnovelsbetterthanIcantellit。SomeofErnest’sschoolfellowscameuptoCambridgeatthesametimeashimself,andwiththesehecontinuedonfriendlytermsduringthewholeofhiscollegecareer。Otherschoolfellowswereonlyayearortwohisseniors;thesecalledonhim,andhethusmadeasufficientlyfavourableentreeintocollegelife。A
  straightforwardnessofcharacterthatwasstampeduponhisface,aloveofhumour,andatemperwhichwasmoreeasilyappeasedthanruffledmadeupforsomeawkwardnessandwantofsavoirfaire。Hesoonbecameanotunpopularmemberofthebestsetofhisyear,andthoughneithercapableofbecoming,noraspiringtobecome,aleader,wasadmittedbytheleadersasamongtheirnearerhangers-
  on。
  Ofambitionhehadatthattimenotoneparticle;greatness,orindeedsuperiorityofanykind,seemedsofaroffandincomprehensibletohimthattheideaofconnectingitwithhimselfnevercrossedhismind。Ifhecouldescapethenoticeofallthosewithwhomhedidnotfeelhimselfenrapport,heconceivedthathehadtriumphedsufficiently。Hedidnotcareabouttakingagooddegree,exceptthatitmustbegoodenoughtokeephisfatherandmotherquiet。Hedidnotdreamofbeingabletogetafellowship;
  ifhehad,hewouldhavetriedhardtodoso,forhebecamesofondofCambridgethathecouldnotbearthethoughtofhavingtoleaveit;thebriefnessindeedoftheseasonduringwhichhispresenthappinesswastolastwasalmosttheonlythingthatnowseriouslytroubledhim。
  Havinglesstoattendtointhematterofgrowing,andhavinggothisheadmorefree,hetooktoreadingfairlywell——notbecausehelikedit,butbecausehewastoldheoughttodoso,andhisnaturalinstinct,likethatofallveryyoungmenwhoaregoodforanything,wastodoasthoseinauthoritytoldhim。TheintentionatBattersbywasforDrSkinnerhadsaidthatErnestcouldnevergetafellowshipthatheshouldtakeasufficientlygooddegreetobeabletogetatutorshipormastershipinsomeschoolpreparatorytotakingorders。Whenhewastwenty-oneyearsoldhismoneywastocomeintohisownhands,andthebestthinghecoulddowithitwouldbetobuythenextpresentationtoaliving,therectorofwhichwasnowold,andliveonhismastershiportutorshiptillthelivingfellin。Hecouldbuyaverygoodlivingforthesumwhichhisgrandfather’slegacynowamountedto,forTheobaldhadneverhadanyseriousintentionofmakingdeductionsforhisson’smaintenanceandeducation,andthemoneyhadaccumulatedtillitwasnowaboutfivethousandpounds;hehadonlytalkedaboutmakingdeductionsinordertostimulatetheboytoexertionasfaraspossible,bymakinghimthinkthatthiswashisonlychanceofescapingstarvation——orperhapsfrompureloveofteasing。
  WhenErnesthadalivingof600poundsor700poundsayearwithahouse,andnottoomanyparishioners——why,hemightaddtohisincomebytakingpupils,orevenkeepingaschool,andthen,sayatthirty,hemightmarry。ItwasnoteasyforTheobaldtohitonanymuchmoresensibleplan。HecouldnotgetErnestintobusiness,forhehadnobusinessconnections——besideshedidnotknowwhatbusinessmeant;hehadnointerest,again,attheBar;medicinewasaprofessionwhichsubjecteditsstudentstoordealsandtemptationswhichthesefondparentsshrankfromonbehalfoftheirboy;hewouldbethrownamongcompanionsandfamiliarisedwithdetailswhichmightsullyhim,andthoughhemightstand,itwas“onlytoopossible“thathewouldfall。Besides,ordinationwastheroadwhichTheobaldknewandunderstood,andindeedtheonlyroadaboutwhichheknewanythingatall,sonotunnaturallyitwastheonehechoseforErnest。
  Theforegoinghadbeeninstilledintomyherofromearliestboyhood,muchasithadbeeninstilledintoTheobaldhimself,andwiththesameresult——theconviction,namely,thathewascertainlytobeaclergyman,butthatitwasalongwayoffyet,andhesupposeditwasallright。Asforthedutyofreadinghard,andtakingasgoodadegreeashecould,thiswasplainenough,sohesethimselftowork,asIhavesaid,steadily,andtothesurpriseofeveryoneaswellashimselfgotacollegescholarship,ofnogreatvalue,butstillascholarship,inhisfreshman’sterm。ItishardlynecessarytosaythatTheobaldstucktothewholeofthismoney,believingthepocket-moneyheallowedErnesttobesufficientforhim,andknowinghowdangerousitwasforyoungmentohavemoneyatcommand。Idonotsupposeitevenoccurredtohimtotryandrememberwhathehadfeltwhenhisfathertookalikecourseinregardtohimself。
  Ernest’spositioninthisrespectwasmuchwhatithadbeenatschoolexceptthatthingswereonalargerscale。Histutor’sandcook’sbillswerepaidforhim;hisfathersenthimhiswine;overandabovethishehad50poundsayearwithwhichtokeephimselfinclothesandallotherexpenses;thiswasabouttheusualthingatEmmanuelinErnest’sday,thoughmanyhadmuchlessthanthis。
  Ernestdidashehaddoneatschool——hespentwhathecould,soonafterhereceivedhismoney;hethenincurredafewmodestliabilities,andthenlivedpenuriouslytillnextterm,whenhewouldimmediatelypayhisdebts,andstartnewonestomuchthesameextentasthosewhichhehadjustgotridof。Whenhecameintohis5000poundsandbecameindependentofhisfather,15poundsor20
  poundsservedtocoverthewholeofhisunauthorisedexpenditure。
  Hejoinedtheboatclub,andwasconstantinhisattendanceattheboats。Hestillsmoked,butnevertookmorewineorbeerthanwasgoodforhim,exceptperhapsontheoccasionofaboatingsupper,buteventhenhefoundtheconsequencesunpleasant,andsoonlearnedhowtokeepwithinsafelimits。Heattendedchapelasoftenashewascompelledtodoso;hecommunicatedtwoorthreetimesayear,becausehistutortoldhimheoughtto;infacthesethimselftolivesoberlyandcleanly,asIimagineallhisinstinctspromptedhimtodo,andwhenhefell——aswhothatisbornofwomancanhelpsometimesdoing?——itwasnottillafterasharptusslewithatemptationthatwasmorethanhisfleshandbloodcouldstand;thenhewasverypenitentandwouldgoafairlylongwhilewithoutsinningagain;andthiswashowithadalwaysbeenwithhimsincehehadarrivedatyearsofindiscretion。
  EventotheendofhiscareeratCambridgehewasnotawarethathehaditinhimtodoanything,butothershadbeguntoseethathewasnotwantinginabilityandsometimestoldhimso。Hedidnotbelieveit;indeedheknewverywellthatiftheythoughthimclevertheywerebeingtakenin,butitpleasedhimtohavebeenabletotakethemin,andhetriedtodosostillfurther;hewasthereforeagooddealonthelook-outforcantsthathecouldcatchandapplyinseason,andmighthavedonehimselfsomemischiefthusifhehadnotbeenreadytothrowoveranycantassoonashehadcomeacrossanothermorenearlytohisfancy;hisfriendsusedtosaythatwhenheroseheflewlikeasnipe,dartingseveraltimesinvariousdirectionsbeforehesettleddowntoasteadystraightflight,butwhenhehadoncegotintothishewouldkeeptoit。