首页 >出版文学> Donal Grant>第12章

第12章

  Themaisterwasanauldman,nearhan'auchty,an'tuikthingsthemairseriously,Idaursay,thathewasnathatfarfraethegravetheyhadsentthepuirbutlertilaforehistime——gienthatcouldbesaido'anewhausegravewaswi'theweather-cock!An'ayehetuikhimsel'totaskastowhetherheouchtnatohaedunesomethingmair——ganetothekingmaybe——forhecouldnabidethethouchto'thepuirmanthathadwaitituponhimsaelangan'faithfu',hingin'an'
  swingin'upthere,an'thefleshdrappin'affthebaneso''im,an'
  stillthebaneshingin'there,an'swingin'an'creakin'an'cryin'!
  Thethoucht,Isay,wassairupo'theauldman。Butthetimepassed,an'Ikennahoolangorhooshortitmaytakforabodyinsicapositiontocomeasun'er,butatlastthebanesbegantodrap,an'
  astheydrappit,theretheylay——atthefuto'thegallows,fornaebodycarettomeddlewi'them。An'whanthatcamtotheknowledgeo'theauldgentleman,hesenthisfowktogetherthemupan'burythemooto'sicht。An'whatwaslefto'thebody,theupperpairt,haudenthegitherwi'theirons,maybe——Ikennaweelhoo,hungan'
  swungtherestill,inilkwin'thatblew。Butatthelast,ooto'
  sorrow,an'respec'forthedeid,hooeverhedee'd,hisauldmaistersentquaietlyaemirknicht,an'hadthelaveo'thebanestaendoonan'laidi'theearth。
  “'Butfraethatmoment,thinkyetherewasonypeacei'thehoose?A
  clankin'o'chainsgotup,an'ahowlin',an'acompleenin'an'acreakin'likei'thewin'——sicastramasha'thegither,thatthehoosewasnofittobeleevitinwhiles,thoughitwassometimeswaurnorithertimes,an'somethouchtithadtodowi'theairtthewin'blew:abootthatIkennaething。Butitgaedonlikethatformonths,maybeyears,'——Mr。Harperwasnasurehoolangthegentlemansaid——'tilltheauldman'maistwishedhimsel'ino'thegravean'
  ooto'thetrouble。
  “'Atlastaedaycamanauldmantoseehim——nosaeauldashimsel',butanehehadkennedwhantheywuratthecollegethegither。An'
  thiswasamanthathadtravelledgreatly,an'wasweellearntinaheapo'thingsordinar'fowk,thatgiesthemsel'stothelan',an'
  thegrowin'o'corn,an'beasts,irnolikelytokenmickleaboot。
  Hesawhisauldfreen'wasintrouble,an'didnacarryhisagecalm-likeaswasnat'ral,an'saespeirthimwhatwasthematter。
  An'hetoldhimthewholestory,fraethehangin'tothebangin'。
  “Weel,“saidthelearnitman,whanhehadh'arda',“gienye'lltakmyadvice,ye'lljistsen'an'howkuptheheid,an'takitintilthehoosewi'ye,an'latitbidetherewhauritwasusedsaelangtobe;——dothat,an'it'smyopinionye'llhearnaemairo'sicunrulygangin'son。“Theauldgentlemantuiktheadvice,kennin'nobetter。Butitwastherichtadvice,forfraethatmomenttheromourwasower,theyhadnaemairo''t。Theylaidtheheidinadecentbitboxi'thecellar,an'thereitremaint,weelcontenttheretoabidethedayo'thatjeedgmentthat'llsetmonyanitherjeedgmenttothericht-aboot;thoughwhatpleesurcouldbeintilthatcellarmairnorintilaholei'theearth,isathingnoformetosay!Sowi'thatgenerationtherewasnaemairtrouble。
  “'Buti'thecoorseo'timecamfirstanean'syneanither,whaforgot,maybeleuchat,thehaillaffair,an'didnabelieveawordo'thesame。Butthey'rebutfulesthatgangagaintheexperrienceo'theirforbeirs!——whatwudyehaebuttheywudbeerytheheid!An'
  whatwudcomeo'thatbutanaulddismayhetupagain!Upgatthedin,therampaugin',theclankin',an'a',jistthesameas'afore!
  Buttheminutethat,frichtitattheconsequenceso'theirfolly,theyacknowledgedthepropertyo'theghaistinhisainheid,an'
  tuikitooto'theearthan'intilthehooseagain,a'wasquaietdirec'ly——quaietashertcoulddesire。'
  “Saethatwasthestory!
  “An'whanthelunchwasower,an'Mr。Harperwasthinkin'themomentcomewhantheywouldorderhimtotaktheheid,an'himtrimlin'atthethouchto'touchin''t,an'lay'twhauritwas——an'whaurithadsaeaftenbeenwhanithadasowlintil't,thegentlemangotup,an'sayshetilhim,'Besogood,'sayshe,'asfetchmemyhat-boxfromthehall。'Harperwentan'gotitasdesired,an'thegentlemantookan'unlockitit,an'roon'heturntwhaurhestood,an'uphetuiktheskullfraethechimley-piece,neitherasgienhelo'editnorfearedit——aswhatreasonhadhetodoeither?——an'han'letitneitherrouchly,norwi'onyshowo'micklecare,butintilthehat-boxitgaed,willy,nilly,an'thelidshuttendoonupo''t,an'
  thekeyturnti'thelocko''t;an'asgienhewadmakthethingrichtsureo'nobein'puttenagainwhaurithadsicanobjectiontogang,uphetuikinhishan'thehat-box,an'thecontrairyheidi'
  theinsideo''t,an'awa'wi'himonhistraivels,hereawa'an'
  thereawa'owerthefaceo'theglobe:hewasonhisw'ytoSpain,hesaid,atthemoment;an'wesawnaemairo'himnortheheid,norh'ardeverasoon'mairo'clankin',norgirnin',noronyitheroonholydin。
  “An'that'sthetrowth,mako''twhatyelike,myleddyan'maisterGrant!”
  MistressBrookeswassilent,andforsometimenotasyllablewasutteredbyeitherlistener。AtlastDonalspoke。
  “Itisastrangestory,mistressBrookes,“hesaid;“andthestrangerthatitwouldshowsomeoftheinhabitantsoftheotherworldapparentlyassillyafterahundredandfiftyyearsaswhenfirsttheyarrivedthere。“
  “Icansaynaethinganentthat,sir,“answeredmistressBrookes;
  “I'mnoaccoontableforonyinference'at'stobedrawnfraemyowertruetale;an'doobtless,sir,yekenfarbetternorme;——butwhauryeseesaemonyfolkdrawootthethreido'alanglife,an'neveraesensiblething,thattheycouldhelp,doneorsaid,whatforshouldyewon'ergiennooan'thananei'theitherwarl'shawhimsel'siclike。Whanyeconsidertheheapo'folkthatdees,an'
  hootheremaunbesaemonymairi'theitherwarl'nori'this,I
  confessformypairtIwon'ermair'atwe'releftatpeaceata',an'thattheycomenaswarmin'aboot'si'thenicht,likeblackdoos。Ye'llmaybesaytheycanna,an'ye'llmaybesaytheycome;butsaelangastheyplaguemenaewaurnoroorfreen'upo'thetithersideo'thewa',IcannasayIcarethatmickle。ButIthinkwhileshoothaeghaistsmaunlauchatthemthatlauchsasgientherewasnaesiccratursi'thewarl'!FormypairtInaitherfearthemnorseektilthem:I'llbeanewi'themmysel'aforelang!——onlyIwadsairwussan'houptoganginamo'betterbehavetanesnorthem'atgangsabootplaguin'folk。“
  “Youspeakthebestofsense,mistressBrookes,“saidDonal;“butI
  shouldliketounderstandwhythepoorhangedfellowshouldhavesuchanobjectiontohavinghisskulllaidintheground!Whyhadhesuchafancyforhisoldbones?Couldhebesocloselyassociatedwiththemthathecouldnotgetonwithouttheplentyoffreshairtheygothimusedtowhentheyhungonthegallows?Andwhydiditcontenthimtohaveonlyhisheadaboveground?Itisbewildering!
  Wecouldn'tbelieveourbonesriseagain,evenifPaulhadn'tasgoodastoldustheydon't!Whyshouldthedeadhaunttheirbonesasiftomakesureofhavingtheirownagain?”
  “But,“saidmistressBrookes,“beggin'yerpardon,sir,whatkenyeastowhattheythink?Yemaykenbetter,butmaybetheydinna;forhaenayejistallooedthatsicconduc'asIhaedescribitisnofit,whaeverbeguiltyo'thesame,whetherrowdyladdiesi'thestreets,orcratursyecannaseei'thehoose?Theymaythinkthey'llwanttheirbanesbyan'bythoughyekenbetter;an'whateveryouwisefolkmaythinkthenoo,yekenit'snothatlangsin'a'body,ay,thebesto'folk,thouchtthesame;an'there'snoadoobttheya'
  didatthetimethatmanwashangt。An'yemaunmin''ati'thehoosetheheido''imwudnawasteasitwudi'theyerd!”
  “Butwhybotherabouthisheidmorethantherestofhisbones?”
  “Weel,sir,I'mthinkingaghaist,ghaistthoughhebe,cannasurelybei'twaplacesatance。Hecouldneverthinktoplaguetililkbaneo'fingeran'taewasgetherti'thecellar!Thatwudbehoupless!An'thinkin'onythingo'hisbanes,hemichtweelthinkmaisto''sheid,an'keepane'eupo'that。Naemonyghaistshaethechanceo'seein'saemuckleo'theirbanesasthisane,orsayin'tothemsel's,'Yon'smine,whauritswings!'Someghaistshaeacat-likenaturforplaces,an'whatfornoforbanes?Mony'sthestorythathoosekeeper,honestwuman,telledme:whanwhathadcomewasgane,itsetheropenin'ootherpack!Icouldhaudyetherea'
  nichttellin'yeaneefteranithero'them。Butit'stimetogangtooorbeds。“
  “Itisourturntotellyousomething,“saidladyArctura;“——onlyyoumustnotmentionitjustyet:Mr。Granthasfoundthelostroom!”
  ForamomentMrs。Brookessaidnothing,butneitherpalednorlookedincredulous;herfacewasonlyfixedandstill,asifshewerefindingexplanationinthediscovery。
  “Iwasayeo'themin'itwas,“shesaid,“an'mony'sthetimeI
  thouchtIwudluikfor'ttopleasemysel'!It'ssma'won'er——thesoon's,an'theraps,an'siclike!”
  “Youwillnotchangeyourmindwhenyouhearall,“saidArctura。“I
  askedyoutogiveusoursupperbecauseIwasafraidtogotobed。“
  “Youshouldn'thavetoldher,sir!”
  “I'veseenitwithmyowneyes!”
  “You'vebeenintoit,mylady?——What——what——?”
  “Itisachapel——theoldcastle-chapel——mentioned,Iknow,somewhereinthehistoryoftheplace,thoughnoone,Isuppose,everdreamedthemissingroomcouldbethat!——Andinthechapel,“continuedArctura,hardlyabletobringoutthewords,forakindofcrampingofthemusclesofspeech,“therewasabed!andinthebedthecrumblingdustofawoman!andonthealtarwhatwashardlymorethanthedustyshadowofababy?”
  “TheLordbeabootus!”criedthehousekeeper,herwell-seasonedcomposuregivingway;“yesawthatwi'yeraine'en,mylady!——Mr。
  Grant!hoocouldyelatherleddyshipluikupo'sicthings!”
  “Iamherladyship'sservant,“answeredDonal。
  “That'svarratrue!Buteh,mybonnybairn,sicsichtsisnoforyou!”
  “Ioughttoknowwhatisinthehouse!”saidArctura,withashudder。“ButalreadyIfeelmorecomfortablethatyouknowtoo。Mr。
  Grantwouldliketohaveyouradviceastowhat——You'llcomeandseethem,won'tyou?”
  “Whenyouplease,mylady——To-night?”
  “No,no!notto-night——Wasthattheknockingagain?——Someghostswanttheirbodiestobeburied,thoughyourbutler——“
  “Iwouldnawonder!”respondedmistressBrookes,thoughtfully。
  “Whereshallweburythem?”askedDonal。
  “InEnglan',“saidthehousekeeper,“Iusedtohearaheapabootconsecratedground;buttomymin'itwasthebodieso'God'shandiwark,nothebishop,thatconsecratedtheground。WhaurtheLordlaysdoonwhathehasdonewi',wadayebeasacredplacetome。IdaursayMoses,whanhecamupo''tagaini'thedesert,luikitupo'thegroundwhaurstoodthebussthathadburned,asasacredplacethoughthefirewaslangoot!——Thinknaye,Mr。Grant?”
  “Ido,“answeredDonal。“ButIdonotbelievetheLordJesusthoughtonespotonthefaceoftheearthmoreholythananother:everydustofitwashisfather's,neithermorenorless,existingonlybythethoughtofthatfather!andIthinkthatiswhatwemustcometo——Butwhereshallweburythem?——wheretheylie,orinthegarden?”
  “Somewuddoobtlesshaedistlaidtodisti'thekirkyard;butI
  wudnawullin'lyraiseaclashi'thecountry-side。Themthatdiditwasyerainforbeirs,myleddy;an'sicthingsareweelforgotten。
  An'synewhatwudtheearlsay?Itmichtupsethimmairnorabit!
  I'llconsidero''t。“
  Donalaccompaniedthemtothedoorofthechamberwhichagaintheyshared,andthenbetookhimselftohisownhighnest。Theremorethanonceinwhatremainedofthenight,hewoke,fancyingheheardtheghost-musicsoundingitscoronachoverthedeadbelow。
  CHAPTERLVIII。
  ASOULDISEASED。
  “Papaisveryillto-day,Simmonstellsme,“saidDavie,asDonalenteredtheschoolroom。“Hesayshehasneverseenhimsoill。Oh,Mr。Grant,Ihopeheisnotgoingtodie!”
  “Ihopenot,“returnedDonal——notverysure,hesawwhenhethoughtaboutit,whathemeant;foriftherewassolittlehopeofhisbecomingatruemanonthissideofsomeawfuldoom,whyshouldhehopeforhislifehere?
  “Iwishyouwouldtalktohimasyoudotome,Mr。Grant!”resumedDavie,whothoughtwhathadbeengoodforhimselfmustbegoodforeverybody。
  Oflatetheboyhadbeenmorethanusualwithhisfather,andhemayhavedroppedsomewordthatturnedhisfather'sthoughtstowardDonalandhiswaysofthinking:howeverweaktheearl'swill,andhoweverdullhisconscience,hismindwasfarfrombeinginactive。
  IntheafternoonthebutlerbroughtamessagethathislordshipwouldbegladtoseeMr。Grantwhenschoolwasover。
  Donalfoundtheearlveryweak,butmorelikealiveman,hethought,thanhehadyetseenhim。Hepointedtoaseat,andbegantotalkinawaythatconsiderablyastonishedthetutor。
  “Mr。Grant,“hebegan,withnotalittleformality,“IhaveknownyoulongenoughtobelieveIknowyoureally。NowIfindmyself,partlyfromthepeculiarityofmyconstitution,partlyfromthestateofmyhealth,partlyfromthefactthatmyviewsdonotcoincidewiththoseofthechurchofScotland,andthereisnoepiscopalclergymanwithinreachofthecastle——Ifindmyself,I
  say,forthesereasons,desirousofsomeconversationwithyou,moreforthesakeofidentifyingmyownopinions,thaninthehopeofreceivingfromyouwhatitwouldbeunreasonabletoexpectfromoneofyouryears。“
  Donalheldhispeace;theverypowerofspeechseemedtakenfromhim:hehadnoconfidenceintheman,andnothingsoquenchesspeechaslackoffaith。Buttheearlhadnoideaofthisdistrust,neveradoubtofhislistener'sreadinesstotakeanypositionherequiredhimtotake。ExperiencehadtaughthimaslittleaboutDonalasabouthisownrealself。
  “Ihavelongbeentroubled,“continuedhislordshipafteramomentarypause,“withaquestionofwhichonemightthinktheworldmustbythistimebeweary——whichyethas,andalwayswillhave,extraordinaryfascinationformindsofacertainsort——ofwhichmyownisone:itisthequestionofthefreedomofthewill:——howfaristhewillfree?orhowfarcanitbecalledfree,consistentlywiththenotionofaGodoverall?”
  Hepaused,andDonalsatsilent——solongthathislordshipopenedtheeyeswhich,thebettertoenjoytheprocessofsentence-making,hehadkeptshut,andhalfturnedhisheadtowardshim:hehadbeguntodoubtwhetherhewasreallybyhisbedside,orbutoneofhismanyvisionsundistinguishablebyhimfromrealities。Re-assuredbytheglance,heresumed。
  “Icannot,ofcourse,expectfromyousuchanexhaustiveandformedopinionasfromanoldermanwhohadmademetaphysicshisbusiness,andacquaintedhimselfwithallthathadbeensaiduponthesubject;
  atthesametimeyoumusthaveexpendedaconsiderableamountofthoughtonthesematters!”
  Hetalkedinaquiet,levelmanner,almostwithoutinflection,andwithhiseyesagainclosed——verymuchasifhewerereadingabookinsidehim。
  “Ihavehadagooddeal,“hewenton,“toshakemybeliefinthecommonideasonsuchpoints——Doyoubelievethereissuchathingasfreewill?”
  Heceased,awaitingtheanswerwhichDonalfeltfarfrompreparedtogivehim。
  “Mylord,“hesaidatlength,“whatIbelieve,Idonotfeelcapable,atamoment'snotice,ofsettingforth;neitherdoIthink,howeverunavoidablesuchdiscussionsmaybeintheforumofone'sownthoughts,thattheyareprofitablebetweenmen。Ithinksuchquestions,iftheyaretobetreatedatallbetweenmanandman,andnotbetweenGodandmanonly,hadbetterbediscussedinprint,wherewhatissaidisinsomemeasurefixed,andcanwithaglancebeconsideredafresh。ButnotsoeitherdoIthinktheycanbediscussedtoanyprofit。“
  “Whatdoyoumean?Surelythisquestionisofthefirstimportancetohumanity!”
  “Igrantit,mylord,ifbyhumanityyoumeanthehumanindividual。
  Butmymeaningis,thattherearemanyquestions,andthisone,thatcanbetestedbetterthanargued。“
  “Youseemfondofparadox!”
  “IwillspeakasdirectlyasIcan:suchquestionsaretobeansweredonlybythemoralnature,whichfirstandalmostonlytheyconcern;andthemoralnatureoperatesinaction,notdiscussion。“
  “DoInotthen,“saidhislordship,thefaintestshadowofindignationinhistone,“bringmymoralnaturetobearonaquestionwhichIconsiderfromthegroundofduty?”
  “No,mylord,“answeredDonal,withdecision;“youbringnothingbutyourintellectualnaturetobearonitso;themoralnature,I
  repeat,operatesonlyinaction。Tocometothepointinhand:thesolewayforamantoknowhehasfreedomistodosomethingheoughttodo,whichhewouldrathernotdo。Hemaystrivetoacquainthimselfwiththefactsconcerningwill,andspendhimselfimaginingitsmodeofworking,yetallthetimenotknowwhetherhehasanywill。“
  “ButhowamItoputaforceinoperation,whileIdonotknowwhetherIpossessitornot?”
  “Byputtingitinoperation——thatalone;bybeingalive;bydoingthenextthingyououghttodo,orabstainingfromthenextthingyouaretemptedto,knowingyououghtnottodoit。Itsoundschildish;andmostpeoplesetactionasideaswhatwilldoanytime,andtryfirsttosettlequestionswhichnevercanbesettledbutinjustthisdivinelychildishway。Fornotmerelyisittheonlywayinwhichamancanknowwhetherhehasafreewill,butthemanhasinfactnowillatallunlessitcomesintobeinginsuchaction。“
  “Supposehefoundhehadnowill,forhecouldnotdowhathewished?”
  “Whatheought,Isaid,mylord。“
  “Well,whatheought,“yieldedtheearlalmostangrily。
  “Hecouldnotfinditprovedthathehadnofacultyforgeneratingafreewill。Hemightindeeddoubtitthemore;butthepositiveonly,notthenegative,canbeproved。“
  “Wherewouldbethesatisfactionifhecouldonlyprovetheonethingandnottheother。“
  “Thetruthalonecanbeproved,mylord;howshouldaliebeproved?
  Themanthatwantedtoprovehehadnofreedomofwill,wouldfindnosatisfactionfromhistest——andthelessthemorehonesthewas;
  butthemananxiousaboutthedignityofthenaturegivenhim,wouldfindeveryneedfulsatisfactionintheprogressofhisobedience。“
  “Howcantherebefreewillwherethefirstthingdemandedforitsexistenceorknowledgeofitselfisobedience?”
  “Thereisnofreewillsaveinresistingwhatonewouldlike,anddoingwhattheTruthwouldhavehimdo。Itistruetheman'slikingandthetruthmaycoincide,butthereinhewillnotlearnhisfreedom,thoughinsuchcoincidencehewillalwaysthereafterfindit,andinsuchcoincidencealone,forfreedomisharmonywiththeoriginatinglawofone'sexistence。“
  “That'sdrearydoctrine。“
  “Mylord,Ihavespentnolittletimeandthoughtonthesubject,andtheresultissomesortofpracticalclearnesstomyself;but,wereitpossible,Ishouldnotcaretomakeitcleartoanothersavebypersuadinghimtoarriveatthesameconvictionbythesamepath——that,namely,ofdoingthethingrequiredofhim。“
  “Requiredofhimbywhat?”
  “Byanyone,anything,anythought,withwhichcangothewordrequiredby——anythingthatcarriesrightinitsdemand。Ifamandoesnotdothethingwhichtheverynotionofafreewillrequires,whatinearth,heaven,orhell,wouldbetheuseofhisknowingallaboutthewill?Butitisimpossibleheshouldknowanything。“
  “Youareaboldpreacher!”saidtheearl。“——Supposenowamanwasunconsciousofanyabilitytodothethingrequiredofhim?”
  “Ishouldsaytherewasthemoreneedheshoulddothething。“
  “Thatisnonsense。“
  “Ifitbenonsense,thenonsenseliesinthesuppositionthatamancanbeconsciousofnotpossessingapower;hecanonlybenotconsciousofpossessingit,andthatisaverydifferentthing。Howisapowertobeknownbutbybeingapower,andhowisittobeapowerbutinitsownexerciseofitself?Thereismoreinmanthanhecanatanygivenmomentbeconsciousof;thereislife,thepoweroftheeternalbehindhisconsciousness,whichonlyinactioncanhemakehisown;ofwhich,therefore,onlyinaction,thatisobedience,canhebecomeconscious,forthenonlyisithis。“
  “Youaresplittingahair!”
  “Iftheonlywaytolifelaythroughahair,whatmustyoudobutsplitit?Thefact,however,is,thathewhotakesthelivesphereoftruthforaflatintellectualdisc,maywelltakethedisc'sedgeforahair。“
  “Come,come!howdoesallthisapplytome——amanwhowouldreallyliketomakeuphismindaboutthething,andisnotatthemomentawareofanyverypressingdutythatheisneglectingtodo?”
  “Isyourlordshipnotawareofsomenotverypressingdutythatyouareneglectingtodo?Somedutiesneedbuttobeacknowledgedbythesmallestamountofaction,tobecomeparamountintheirdemandsuponus。“
  “Thatistheworstofit!”murmuredtheearl。“Irefuse,Iavoidsuchacknowledgment!Whoknowswhitheritmightcarryme,orwhatitmightnotgoontodemandofme!”
  Hespokelikeoneunawarethathespoke。
  “Yes,mylord,“saidDonal,“thatishowmostmentreatthegreatestthings!Thedevilblindsusthathemayguideus!”
  “Thedevil!——bah!”criedhislordship,gladtoturnatrightanglesfromthepathoftheconversation;“youdon'tsurelybelieveinthatlegendarypersonage?”
  “Hewhodoeswhatthedevilwouldhavehimdo,isthemanwhobelievesinhim,nothewhodoesnotcarewhetherheisornot,solongasheavoidsdoinghisworks。Iftherebesuchaone,hislastthoughtmustbetopersuademenofhisexistence!HeisasubjectI
  donotcaretodiscuss;heisnotveryinterestingtome。Butifyourlordshipnowwouldbutovercomethehabitofdependingonmedicine,youwouldsoonfindoutthatyouhadafreewill。“
  Hislordshipscowledlikeathunder-cloud。
  “Iamcertain,mylord,“addedDonal,“thattheleastquestionaskedbythewillitself,willbringananswer;athousandaskedbytheintellect,willbringnothing。“
  “Ididnotsendforyoutoactthepartoffatherconfessor,Mr。
  Grant,“saidhislordship,inatonewhichratherperplexedDonal;
  “butasyouhavetakenuponyoutheoffice,Imayaswellallowyoukeepit;themattertowhichyourefer,thatofmymedicaltreatmentofmyself,ispreciselywhathasbroughtmeintomypresentdifficulty。Itwouldbetoolongastorytotellyouhow,likepoorColeridge,Iwasfirstdecoyed,thenenticedfromonestagetoanother;thedesiretoescapefrompainisanaturalinstinct;andthat,andthenecessityalsoforescapingmypastself,especiallyinitsrelationstocertainothers,havebroughtmebydegreesintofartoogreatadependenceontheuseofdrugs。Andnowthat,fromcertainsymptoms,Ihavegroundtofearachangeofsomekindnotsofaroff——Idonotofcoursemeanto-morrow,ornextyear,butsomewherenearerthanitwasthistime,Iwon'tsaylastyear,butsaytenyearsago——why,then,onebeginstothinkaboutthingsonehasbeentooreadytoforget。Isuppose,however,ifthewillbeanaturalpossessionofthehumanbeing,andifamanshould,throughactionsonthetissueofhisbrain,haveceasedtobeconsciousofanywill,itmustreturntohimthemomentheisfreefromthebody,thatisfromthedilapidatedbrain!”
  “Mylord,Iwouldnothaveyoucounttoomuchuponthat。Weknowverylittleaboutthesethings;butwhatifthebraingivetheopportunityfortheactionwhichistoresultinfreedom?Whatifthereshould,withoutthebrain,benomeansofworkingourliberty?
  Whatifweareherelikebirdsinacage,withwings,abletoflybutnotflyingaboutthecage;andwhatif,whenwearedead,weshallindeedbeoutofthecage,butwithoutwings,havingnevermadeuseofsuchaswehadwhilewehadthem?Thinkforamomentwhatweshouldbewithoutthesenses!”
  “Weshallbeableatleasttoseeandhear,elsewhereweretheuseofbelievinginanotherworld?”
  “Isuspect,mylord,theotherworlddoesnotneedourbelievinginittomakeafactofit。Butifamanwerenevertoteachhissoultosee,ifhewereobstinatelytoclosehiseyesuponthisworld,andlookatnothingallthetimehewasinit,Ishouldbeverydoubtfulwhetherthemerefactofgoingalittlemoredead,wouldmakehimsee。Thesoulneverhavinglearnedtosee,itssenseofseeing,correspondenttoandhigherthanthatofthebody,neverhavingbeendeveloped,howshoulditexpandandimpoweritselfbymeredeliverancefromtheonebestschoolmastertowhomitwouldgivenoheed?Thesensesare,Isuspect,onlythehusksunderwhichareripeningthedeeper,keener,bettersensesbelongingtothenextstageofourlife;andso,mylord,Icannotthinkthat,ifthewillhasnotbeendevelopedthroughthemeansandoccasionsgivenin,themerepassingintoanotherconditionwillsetitfree。Forfreedomistheunclosingoftheideawhichliesatourroot,andisthevitalpowerofourexistence。Theroseisthefreedomoftherosetree。I
  shouldthink,havinglosthisbrain,andgotnothinginstead,amanwouldfindhimselfamerecentreofunanswerablequestions。“
  “Yougotoofarforme,“saidhislordship,lookingalittleuncomfortable,“butIthinkitistimetotryandbreakmyselfalittleofthehabit——oralmosttime。Bydegreesonemight,youknow,——eh?”
  “Ihavelittlefaithindoingthingsbydegrees,mylord——exceptsuchindeedasbytheirverynaturecannotbedoneatonce。Itistrueabadhabitcanonlybecontractedbydegrees;andIwillnotsay,becauseIdonotknow,whetheranyonehasevercuredhimselfofonebydegrees;butitcannotbethebestway。Whatisbadoughttobegotridofatonce。“
  “Ah,but,don'tyouknow?thatmightcostyouyourlife!”
  “Whatofthat,mylord!Life,thelifeyoumean,isnotthefirstthing。“
  “Notthefirstthing!Why,theBiblesays,'Allthatamanhathwillhegiveforhislife'!”
  “ThatisintheBible;butwhethertheBiblesaysit,isanotherthing。“
  “Idonotunderstandsillydistinctions。“
  “Why,mylord,whosaidthat?”
  “Whatdoesitmatterwhosaidit?”
  “Muchalways;everythingsometimes。“
  “Whosaiditthen?”
  “Thedevil。“
  “Thedevilhedid!Andwhooughttoknowbetter,Ishouldliketoask!”
  “Everymanoughttoknowbetter。Andbesides,itisnotwhatamanwillorwillnotdo,butwhatamanoughtoroughtnottodo!”
  “Ah,thereyouhaveme,Isuppose!Buttherearesomethingssodamneddifficult,thatamanmustbeverysureofhisdangerbeforehecanbringhimselftodothem!”
  “Thatmaybe,mylord:inthepresentcase,however,youmustbeawarethatthedangerisnottothebodilyhealthalone;thesedrugsunderminethemoralnatureaswell!”
  “Iknowit:Icannotbecountedguiltyofmanythings;theyweredoneundertheinfluenceofhellishconcoctions。ItwasnotI,butthesethingsworkinginme——onmybrain,makingmeseethingsinafalselight!ThiswillbetakenintoaccountwhenIcometobejudged——iftherebesuchathingasadayofjudgment。“
  “OnethingIamsureof,“saidDonal,“thatyourlordshipwillhavefairplay。Atfirst,notquiteknowingwhatyouwereabout,youmaynothavebeenmuchtoblame;butafterwards,whenyouknewthatyouwereputtingyourselfindangerofdoingyoudidnotknowwhat,youwereasmuchtoblameasifyoumadeaFrankenstein-demon,andturnedhimlooseontheearth,knowingyourselfutterlyunabletocontrolhim。“
  “AndisnotthatwhattheGodyoubelieveindoeseveryday?”
  “Mylord,theGodIbelieveinhasnotlosthiscontrolovereitherofus。“
  “Thenlethimsetthethingright!Whyshouldwedrawhisplough?”
  “Hewillsetitright,mylord,——butprobablyinawayyourlordshipwillnotlike。Heiscompelledtodoterriblethingssometimes。“
  “Compelled!——whatshouldcompelhim?”
  “Thelovethatisinhim,thelovethatheis。Hecannotletushaveourownwaytotheruinofeverythinginushecaresfor!”
  ThenthespiritawokeinDonal——orcameuponhim——andhespoke。
  “Mylord,“hesaid,“ifyouwouldeveragainbeabletothankGod;
  iftherebeoneintheotherworldtowhomyouwouldgo;ifyouwouldmakeupforanywrongyouhaveeverdone;ifyouwouldeverfeelinyoursouloncemoretheinnocenceofachild;ifyoucaretocallGodyourfather;ifyouwouldfallasleepinpeaceandwaketoanewlife;Iconjureyoutoresistthedevil,togiveuptheevilhabitthatisdraggingyoulowerandlowereveryhour。Itwillbeveryhard,Iknow!AnythingIcando,watchingwithyounightandday,givingmyselftohelpyou,Iamreadyfor。Iwilldoallthatliesinmetodeliveryoufromthewearinessandsicknessoftheendeavour。Iwillgivemylifetostrengthenyours,andcountitwellspentandmyselfhonoured:Ishallthenhavelivedalifeworthliving!Resolve,mylord——inGod'snameresolveatoncetobefree。
  Thenyoushallknowyouhaveafreewill,foryourwillwillhavemadeitselffreebydoingthewillofGodagainstalldisinclinationofyourown。Itwillbeagloriousvictory,andwillsetyouhighonthehillwhosepeakisthethroneofGod。“
  “Iwillbeginto-morrow,“saidtheearlfeebly,andwithastrangelookinhiseyes。“——Butnowyoumustleaveme。Ineedsolitudetostrengthenmyresolve。Cometomeagainto-morrow。Iamweary,andmustrestawhile。SendSimmons。“
  Donalwasnowisemisledbytheeasy,postponedconsent,buthecouldnotprolongtheinterview。Heroseandwent。Intheactofshuttingthedoorbehindhim,something,hedidnotknowwhat,madehimturnhishead:theearlwasleaningoverthelittletablebyhisbedside,andpouringsomethingfromabottleintoaglass。Donalstoodtransfixed。Theearlturnedandsawhim,castonhimalookofalmostdemoniacalhate,puttheglasstohislipsanddrankoffitscontents,thenthrewhimselfbackonhispillows。Donalshutthedoor——notsosoftlyasheintended,forhewasagitated;aloudcurseatthenoisecameafterhim。Hewentdownthestairnotonlywithasenseoffailure,butwithanexhaustionsuchashehadneverbeforefelt。
  Therearemenofnaturessoinactivethattheycannotevenenjoythesightofactivityaroundthem:menwithschemesanddesiresareintheirpresenceintrusive。Theirexistenceisasleepylake,whichwouldnotbetroubledevenwiththewindoffar-offlabour。SuchlordMorvenwasnotbynature;uptomanhoodhehadledevenastormylife。Butwhenhispassionsbegantoyield,hisself-indulgencebegantotaketheformoflaziness;anditwasnotmanyyearsbeforehelaywithneverastruggleinthechainsoftheevilpowerwhichhadnowreducedhimtomoralpoltroonery。Thetyrannyofthislastwickednessgrewworseafterthedeathofhiswife。Theoneobjectofhislife,iflifeitcouldbecalled,wasonlyandevertomakeitalifeofhisown,notthelifewhichGodhadmeantittobe,andhadmadepossibletohim。Onfirstacquaintancewiththemoralphenomenon,ithadseemedtoDonalaninhumanandstrangelyexceptionalone;butreflecting,hecamepresentlytoseethatitwasonlyamorepronouncedformoftheuniversalhumandisease——adiseasesodeep-seatedthathewhohasitworst,leastknowsorcanbelievethathehasanydisease,attributingallhisdiscomforttotheconditionofthingsoutsidehim;whereashisrefusaltoacceptthemastheyare,isonemostprominentsymptomofthedisease。Whetherbystimulantsornarcotics,whetherbycompanyorambition,whetherbygraspingorstudy,whetherbyself-indulgence,byart,bybooks,byreligion,bylove,bybenevolence,weendeavourafteranotherlifethanthatwhichGodmeansforus——alifeoftruth,namely,ofobedience,humility,andself-forgetfulness,wewalkequallyinavainshow。
  ForGodaloneis,andwithouthimwearenot。Thisisnotthemereclangofatinklingmetaphysicalcymbal;hethatendeavourstoliveapartfromGodmustatlengthfind——notmerelythathehasbeenwalkinginavainshow,butthathehasbeenhimselfbutthephantomofadream。ButforthelifeofthelivingGod,makinghimbe,andkeepinghimbeing,hemustfadeevenoutofthelimboofvanities!
  Hemoreandmoreseldomwentoutofthehouse,moreandmoreseldomlefthisapartment。Attimeshewouldreadagreatdeal,thenfordayswouldnotopenabook,butseemabsorbedinmeditation——ameditationwhichhadnothinginitworthyofthename。InhiscommunicationswithDonal,hedidnotseemintheleastawarethathehadmadehimtheholderofasecretbywhichhecouldfrustratehisplansforhisfamily。Theseplansheclungto,partlyfrompaternity,partlyfromcontemptforsociety,andpartlyinthefancyofrepairingthewronghehaddonehischildren'smother。Themorallydiseasedwillatoneforwrongbyfreshwrong——initsturntodemandlikereparation!Hewoulddoanythingnowtosecurehissonsinthepositionofwhichinlawhehaddeprivedthembythewronghehaddonethewomanwhomallhadbelievedhiswife。Throughthemarriageoftheeldestwiththeheiress,hewouldmakehimtheheadofthehouseinpowerasindignity,andthiswasnowalmosttheonlytiethatboundhimtotherealityofthings。HecaredlittleenoughaboutForgue,buthisconsciencewashauntedwithhiscrueltiestotheyouth'smother。ThesewereoftensuchasIdarenotputonrecord:theycamealloftheprideofself-loveandself-worship——asevildemonsaseverragedinthefiercestfireofMoloch。Inthemadnesswithwhichtheypossessedhim,hehadinflicteduponhernotonlysoresthumiliations,butbodilytortures:hewouldsee,hesaid,whatshewouldbearforhissake!
  Inthehorriblepresentmentsofhisdrug-procureddreamstheyreturneduponhiminterribleformsofrighteousretaliation。Andnow,thoughtohimselfhewasconstantlydenyingalifebeyond,theconvictionhadbeguntovisitandoverwhelmhimthathemustonedaymeetheragain:fainthenwouldhebearmedwithsomethingwhichforhersakehehaddoneforherchildren!Oneofthehorriblelawsofthefalseexistenceheledwasthat,forthedeadeningofthemindtoanyevil,therewasnonecessityitshouldbedoneanddoneagain;ithadbuttobepresentedintheformofathingdone,orathinggoingtobedone,toseemathingreasonableanddoable。Inhisbeing,aworldoffalseappearanceshadtakentheplaceofreality;acreationofhisownhaddisplacedthecreationoftheessentialLife,bywhosepoweralonehehimselffalselycreated;andinthisworldhewasthedupeofhisownhome-bornphantoms。Outofthisconspiracyofmarshandmirage,whatvilethingsmightnotissue!Oversuchachaosthedevilhaspowerallbutcreative。Hecannotintruthcreate,buthecanwiththedegeneratecreatedworkmoralhorrorstoohideoustobeanalogizedbyanyofthehorrorsoftheunperfectedanimalworld。Sucharebeingconstantlyproducedinhumansociety;manyofthemdieinthedarknessinwhichtheyaregenerated;nowandthenoneissues,blastingthepublicdaywithitshideousglare。Becausetheyareseldomseen,manydenytheyexist,orneedbespokenofiftheydo。Buttoterrifyamanatthepossibilitiesofhisneglectednature,istodosomethingtowardstheredemptionofthatnature。
  School-hourswereover,butDaviewasseatedwherehehadlefthim,stillworking。AtsightofhimDonal,feelingasifhehadjustcomefromthepresenceofthedamned,almostburstintotears。AmomentmoreandArcturaentered:itwasasiftheroofofhellgaveway,andtheblueskyoftheeternalcamepouringinheavenlydelugethroughtheruinedvault。
  “IhavebeentocalluponSophia,“shesaid。
  “Iamgladtohearit,“answeredDonal:anynewsfromanouterworldofyetsalvablehumanitywaswelcomeassummertoalandofice。
  “Yes,“shesaid;“Iamabletogoandseehernow,becauseIamnolongerafraidofher——partly,Ithink,becauseInolongercarewhatshethinksofme。Herpowerovermeisgone。“
  “Andwillneverreturn,“saidDonal,“whileyoukeepclosetothemaster。Withhimyouneednohumanbeingtosetyouright,andwillallownohumanbeingtosetyouwrong;youwillneedneitherfriendnorministernorchurch,thoughallwillhelpyou。Iamveryglad,forsomethingseemstotellmeIshallnotbelonghere。“
  Arcturadroppedonachair——paleasrosybefore。
  “Hasanythingfreshhappened?”sheasked,inalowvoicethatdidnotsoundlikehers。“Surelyyouwillnotleavemewhile——I
  thought——Ithought——Whatisit?”
  “ItisonlyafeelingIhave,“heanswered。“IbelieveIamoutofspirits。“
  “Ineversawyousobefore!”saidArctura。“Ihopeyouarenotgoingtobeill。“
  “Oh,no;itisnotthat!Iwilltellyousomeday,butIcannotnow。
  AllisinGod'shands!”
  Shelookedanxiouslyathim,butdidnotaskhimanyquestionmore。
  Sheproposedtheyshouldtakeaturninthepark,andhisgloomworegraduallyoff。
  CHAPTERLIX。
  DUSTTODUST。
  Thenextnight,asifbyacommonunderstanding,foritwaswithoutwordspoken,thethreemetagaininthehousekeeper'sroom,whereshehadsupperwaiting。Ofbusinessnothingwassaiduntilthatwasover。MistressBrookestoldthemtwoorthreeofthestoriesofwhichshehadsomany,andDonalrecountedoneortwoofthosethatfloatedabouthiscountry-side。
  “I'vebeenthinkin',“saidmistressBrookesatlength,“seein'it'sabonnystarrynicht,wecouldnadobetterthanliftan'laydoonthisvarranicht。Thehooseisasleep。“
  “Whatdoyousaytothatplaceintheparkwherewasonceamausoleum?”saidDonal。
  “It'sthevarraplace!——an'thesoonerthebetter——dinnayethink,mylady?”
  ArcturawithalookreferredthequestiontoDonal。
  “Surely,“heanswered。“Butwilltherenotbesomepreparationstomake?”
  “There'snoneedo'mony!”returnedthehousekeeper。“I'llgetafineauldsheet,an'intil'twe'llputtheremains,an'rowthemup,an'carrythemtotheirhame。I'llgoan'getit,mylady——Butwouldna'tbebetterforyouandme,sir,togeta'thatdunebyoorsel's?Myleddycouldj'inuswhanwecamup。“
  “Shewouldn'tliketobeleftherealone。Thereisnothingtobecalledfearsome!”
  “Nothingatall,“saidArctura。
  “Theforcesofnature,“saidDonal,“areconstantlyatworktodestroythedreadful,andrestorethewholesome。Itisbutafewhandfulsofcleandust。“
  Thehousekeeperwenttooneofherpresses,andbroughtoutasheet。
  DonalputaplaidroundladyArctura。Theywentuptoherroom,andsodowntothechapel。Half-waydownthenarrowdescentmistressBrookesmurmured,“Eh,sirs!”andsaidnomore。
  Eachcarriedalight,andthetwocouldseethechapelbetter。A
  statelylittleplaceitwas:whenthewindowswereunmasked,itwouldbebeautiful!
  Theystoodforsomemomentsbythesideofthebed,regardinginsilence。Seldomsurehadbedborneonewhosleptsolong!——onewho,neverwakingmightlietherestill!Whentheyspokeitwasinwhispers。
  “Howarewetomanageit,mistressBrookes?”saidDonal。
  “Laythesheethandy,alangthesideo'thebed,maisterGrant,an'
  Is'layinthedist,han'fu'byhan'fu'。Ihaethatrespec'forthedeid,Ihaenodifficletyaboothan'lin'onythingbelongin'tothem。“
  “Gienithadnabeenthathetuikitagain,“saidDonal,“theLord'sainbodywadhaecometothis。“
  Ashespokehelaidthesheetonthebed,andbegantolayinitthedrydustandair-wastedbones,handlingthemasreverentlyasifthespirithadbutjustdeparted。MistressBrookeswouldhavepreventedArctura,butsheinsistedonhavinghershareintheburyingofherown:whotheywereGodknew,buttheyshouldbehersanyhow,andonedayshewouldknow!Fortofancywegointotheotherworldasetofspiritualmolesburrowinginthedarkofanewandunknownexistence,isworthyonlyofsuchashavealifelessLawtotheirsire。Weshallenteritaschildrenwithahistory,aschildrengoinghometoalonglineoflivingancestors,todevelopclosestrelationswiththem。Shewouldyettalk,livefacetoface,withthosewhosedustshewasnowliftinginhertwohandstorestoreittoitsdust。Thentheycarriedthesheettothealtar,andthencesweptintoiteverylittleparticle,backtoitsmotherdust。Thatdone,Donalknottedthesheettogether,andtheybegantolookaroundthem。
  Desirousofdiscoveringwherethemainentrancetothechapelhadbeen,Donalspiedunderthewindowsaseconddoor,andopeneditwithdifficulty。Itdisclosedapassagebelowthestair,threestepslowerthanthefloorofthechapel,parallelwiththewall,andturning,atrightanglesunderthegallery。Herehesawsignsofanobliterateddoorintheouterwall,butcouldexaminenofartherforthepresent。
  Inthemeantimehiscompanionshadmadeanothersortofdiscovery:
  nearthefootofthebedwasalittletable,onwhichweretwodrinkingvessels,apparentlyofpewter,andamoulderingpackofcards!Card-playingandthehiddenroomdidholdsomerelationwitheachother!Thecardsandthedevilwerereal!
  Donaltookupthesheet——alightburden,andArcturaledtheway。
  Arrivedatherroom,theywentsoftlyacrosstothedooropeningonDonal'sstair——notwithoutfearoftheearl,whomindeedtheymightmeetanywhere——andbythatdescending,reachedtheopenair,andtooktheirwaydowntheterracesandthroughtheparktotheplaceofburial。
  Itwasafrostynight,withthewaningsickleofamoonlowintheheaven,andmanybrilliantstarsaboveit。Followedbyfaintetherealshadows,theypassedoverthegrass,throughtheghostlyluminousdusk——offunerealprocessionsoneofthestrangestthateversoughtatomb。
  Theruinwasinahollow,surroundedbytrees。Donalremovedanumberoffallenstonesanddugagrave。Theyloweredintoittheknottedsheet,threwintheearthagain,heapedthestonesabove,andleftthedustwithitsdust。Thensilenttheywentback,straightalongthegreen,moon-regardedratherthanmoon-litgrass:
  ifanyonehadseenthemthroughthepalestarrynight,hewouldsurelyhavetakenthemforaprocessionofthedeadthemselves!
  NodreamofdeathsoughtArcturathatnight,butinthemorningshewokesuddenlyfromoneofdisembodieddelight。
  CHAPTERLX。
  ALESSONABOUTDEATH。
  WHATEVERladyArcturamightdecideconcerningtherestorationofthechapeltothelightofday,Donalthoughtitwouldnotbeamisstofind,withouttroublingher,whathecouldofitsrelationtotherestofthehouse:anditfavouredhiswishthatArcturawasprevaileduponbythehousekeepertoremaininbedthenextday。Herstrongwill,goodcourage,andtrustingheart,hadmadeseveredemandsuponanorganizationasdelicateasresponsive。ItwasnowSaturday:heresolvedtogoaloneintheafternoontoexplore——andfirstofallwouldtrythedoorbesidethelittlegallery。
  Assoonashewasfree,hegotthetoolshejudgednecessary,andwentdown。
  Thedoorwasofstrongsoundoak,withornateironhingesrightacrossit。Hewasonthebettersideforopeningit,thatis,theinside,butthoughtheendsofthehingeswereexposed,thedoorwassowellwithintheframethatitwasuselesstothinkofheavingthemoffthebearing-pins。Thehugelockanditsboltwerelikewisebeforehim,butthekeywasinthelockfromtheotherside,sothatitcouldnotbepicked;whilethenailsthatfastenedittothedoorwereprobablyrivetedthroughaplate。Buttherewasthesocketintowhichtheboltshot!thatwasmerelyanironstaple!hemighteitherforceitoutwithalever,orfileitthrough!Havingremovedtheroughestoftherustwithwhichitwascaked,andsoreduceditsthicknessconsiderably,hesethimselftothetaskoffilingitthrough,firstatthetopthenatthebottom。Itwasaslowbutasureprocess,andwouldmakenogreatnoise。
  Althoughitwasbroaddaylightoutside,solikemidnightwasithereandtheseasonthatbelongstothedead,thathewashauntedwiththeideaofapresencebehindhim。Butnotoncedidheturnhisheadtosee,forheknewthatifheyieldedtotheinclination,itwouldbutreturnthestronger。Oldexperiencehadtaughthimthatthewaytomeetthehorrorsofthefancyistorefusethemasinglehair's-breadthofobedience。Andasheworkedtheconvictiongrewthattheonlyprotectionagainsttheterrorsofalienpresenceistheconsciousnessofthehomepresenceoftheeternal:ifamanfeltthatpresence,howcouldhefearanyother?Butforthosewhoarenotonewiththesourceofbeing,everymanifestationofthatbeinginalifeotherthantheirown,mustbemoreorlessaterrortothem;itisalien,antipathous,other,——itmaybeunappeasable,implacable。Thetimemustevencomewhentosuchtheirownbeingwillbeahorrorofrepugnantconsciousness;forGodnotselfisours——hisbeing,notourown,isourhome;heisourkind。
  Theworkwasslow——theimpressiononthehardironofthewornfilesoweakthathewasoftenonthepointofgivinguptheattempt。
  Fatigueatlengthbegantoinvadehim,andtherewiththesenseofhissituationgrewmorekeen:greatwearinessovercomesterror;thebeginningsofwearinessenhanceit。Everynowandthenhewouldstop,thinkingheheardthecryofachild,onlytorecognizeitasthenoiseofhisfile。Heresolvedatlasttostopforthenight,andafterteagotothetowntobuyanewandfitterfile。
  ThenextdaywasSunday,andintheafternoonDonalandDaviewerewalkingintheoldavenuetogether。Theyhadbeentochurch,andhadheardadullsermononthemoststirringfactnexttotheresurrectionoftheLordhimself——hisraisingofLazarus。Thewholeaspectofthething,aspresentedbythepreachingman,wassodullandunreal,thatnotawordonthesubjecthadpassedbetweenthemonthewayhome。
  “Mr。Grant,howcouldanybodymakeadeadmanliveagain?”saidDaviesuddenly。
  “Idon'tknow,Davie,“answeredDonal。“IfIcouldknowhow,I
  shouldprobablybeabletodoitmyself。“
  “Itisveryhardtobelieve。“
  “Yes,veryhard——thatis,ifyoudonotknowanythingaboutthepersonsaidtohavedoneit,toaccountforhisbeingabletodoitthoughanothercouldnot。Butjustthinkofthis:ifonehadneverseenorheardaboutdeath,itwouldbeashard,perhapsharder,tobelievethatanythingcouldbringaboutthatchange。Theoneseemstouseasytounderstand,becausewearefamiliarwithit;ifwehadseentheothertakeplaceafewtimes,weshouldseeinitnothingtoostrange,nothingindeedbutwhatwastobeexpectedincertaincircumstances。“
  “Butthatisnotenoughtoproveiteverdidtakeplace。“
  “Assuredlynot。Itcannotevenmakeitlookintheleastprobable。“
  “Tellme,please,anythingthatwouldmakeitlookprobable。“
  “Iwillnotansweryourquestiondirectly,butIwillanswerit。
  Listen,Davie。
  “InallagesmenhavelongedtoseeGod——somemeninagrandway。Atlast,accordingtothestoryofthegospel,thetimecamewhenitwasfitthattheFatherofmenshouldshowhimselftotheminhisson,theoneperfectman,whowashisveryimage。SoJesuscametothem。ButmanywouldnotbelievehewasthesonofGod,fortheyknewGodsolittlethattheydidnotseehowlikehewastohisFather。Others,whoweremorelikeGodthemselves,andsoknewGodbetter,didthinkhimthesonofGod,thoughtheywerenotpleasedthathedidnotmakemoreshow。Hisobjectwas,nottoruleoverthem,buttomakethemknow,andtrust,andobeyhisFather,whowaseverythingtohim。Nowwhenanyonedied,hisfriendsweresomiserableoverhimthattheyhardlythoughtaboutGod,andtooknocomfortfromhim。Theysaidthedeadmanwouldriseagainatthelastday,butthatwassofaroff,thedeadwasgonetosuchadistance,thattheydidnotcareforthat。Jesuswantedtomakethemknowandfeelthatthedeadwerealiveallthetime,andcouldnotbefaraway,seeingtheywereallwithGodinwhomwelive;thattheyhadnotlostthemthoughtheycouldnotseethem,fortheywerequitewithinhisreach——asmuchsoasever;thattheywerejustassafewith,andaswelllookedafterbyhisfatherandtheirfather,astheyhadeverbeeninalltheirlives。Itwasnodoubtadreadful-lookingthingtohavethemputinahole,andwasteawaytodust,buttheywerenotthereforegoneout——theywereonlygonein!
  Toteachthemallthishedidnotsaymuch,butjustcalledoneortwoofthembackforawhile。OfcourseLazaruswasgoingtodieagain,butcanyouthinkhistwosisterseitherlovedhimless,orweptasmuchoverhimthenexttimehedied?”
  “No;itwouldhavebeenfoolish。“
  “Well,ifyouthinkaboutit,youwillseethatnoonewhobelievesthatstory,andweepsastheydidthefirsttime,canescapereproof。WhereJesuscalledLazarusfrom,therearehisfriends,andtherearetheywaitingforhim!Now,Iaskyou,Davie,wasitworthwhileforJesustodothisforus?Isnotthegreatmiseryofourlife,thatthosedeartousdie?Wasit,Isay,athingworthdoing,toletusseethattheyarealivewithGodallthetime,andcanbeproducedanymomenthepleases?”
  “Surelyitwas,sir!Itoughttotakeawayallthemisery!”
  “Thenitwasanaturalthingtodo;anditisareasonablethingtothinkthatitwasdone。ItwasnaturalthatGodshouldwanttolethischildrenseehim;andnaturalheshouldletthemknowthathestillsawandcaredforthosetheyhadlostsightof。Thewholethingseemstomereasonable;Icanbelieveit。Itimpliesindeedaworldofthingsofwhichweknownothing;butthatisfor,notagainstit,seeingsuchaworldweneed;andifanyoneinsistsonbelievingnothingbutwhathehasseensomethinglike,IleavehimtohismiseryandthemercyofGod。“
  Iftheworldhadbeensomadethatmencouldeasilybelieveinthemakerofit,itwouldnothavebeenaworldworthanyman'slivingin,neitherwouldtheGodthatmadesuchaworld,andsorevealedhimselftosuchpeople,beworthbelievingin。Godaloneknowswhatlifeisenoughforustolive——whatlifeisworthhisandourwhile;
  wemaybesureheislabouringtomakeitours。Hewouldhaveitasfull,aslovely,asgrand,asthesparingofnothing,notevenhisownson,canrenderit。Ifwewouldonlylethimhavehisownwaywithus!Ifwedonottrusthim,willnotworkwithhim,arealwaysthwartinghisendeavourstomakeusalive,thenwemustbemiserable;thereisnohelpforit。Astodeath,weknownexttonothingaboutit。“Dowenot!”saythefaithless。“Dowenotknowthedarkness,theemptiness,thetears,thesinkingsofheart,thedesolation!”Yes,youknowthose;butthoseareyourthings,notdeath's。Aboutdeathyouknownothing。Godhastoldusonlythatthedeadarealivetohim,andthatonedaytheywillbealiveagaintous。Theworldbeyondthegatesofdeathis,Isuspect,afarmorehomelikeplacetothosethatenterit,thanthisworldistous。
  “Idon'tlikedeath,“saidDavie,afterasilence。
  “Idon'twantyoutolike,whatyoucalldeath,forthatisnotthethingitself——itisonlyyourfancyaboutit。Youneednotthinkaboutitatall。Thewaytogetreadyforitistolive,thatis,todowhatyouhavetodo。“
  “ButIdonotwanttogetreadyforit。Idon'twanttogotoit;
  andtoprepareforitislikegoingstraightintoit!”
  “Youhavetogotoitwhetheryouprepareforitornot。Youcannothelpgoingtoit。Butitmustbelikethisworld,seeingtheonlywaytoprepareforitistodothethingGodgivesustodo。“
  “Aren'tyouafraidofdeath,Mr。Grant?”
  “No,Iamnot。WhyshouldIfearthebestthingthat,initstime,cancometome?Neitherwillyoubeafraidwhenitcomes。Itisnotthedreadfulthingitlooks。“
  “Whyshoulditlookdreadfulifitisnotdreadful?”
  “Thatisaveryproperquestion。Itlooksdreadful,andmustlookdreadful,toeveryonewhocannotseeinitthatwhichalonemakeslifenotdreadful。Ifyousawagreatdarkcloakcomingalongtheroadasifitwereroundsomebody,butnobodyinsideit,youwouldbefrightened——wouldyounot?”
  “IndeedIshould。Itwouldbeawful!”
  “Itwould。Butifyouspiedinsidethecloak,andmakingitcometowardsyou,themostbeautifullovingfaceyoueversaw——ofamancarryinginhisarmsalittlechild——andsawthechildclingingtohim,andlookinginhisfacewithablessedsmile,wouldyoubefrightenedattheblackcloak?”
  “No;thatwouldbesilly。“
  “Youhaveyouranswer!Thethingthatmakesdeathlooksofearfulisthatwedonotseeinsideit。Thosewhoseeonlytheblackcloak,andthinkitismovingalongofitself,maywellbefrightened;butthosewhoseethefaceinsidethecloak,wouldbefoolsindeedtobefrightened!BeforeJesuscame,peoplelivedingreatmiseryaboutdeath;butafterheroseagain,thosewhobelievedinhimalwaystalkedofdyingasfallingasleep;andIdaresaythestoryofLazarus,thoughitwasnotsuchagreatthingaftertherisingoftheLordhimself,hadalargeshareinenablingthemtothinkthatwayaboutit。“
  Whentheywenthome,Davie,runninguptoladyArctura'sroom,recountedtoheraswellashecouldtheconversationhehadjusthadwithMr。Grant。
  “Oh,Arkie!”hesaid,“tohearhimtalk,youwouldthinkDeathhadn'talegtostandupon!”
  Arcturasmiled;butitwasasmilethroughacloudofunshedtears。
  Lovelyasdeathmightbe,shewouldliketogetthegoodofthisworldbeforegoingtothenext!——AsifGodwoulddenyusanygood!——Atonetimeshehadbeenwillingtogo,shethought,butshewasnotnow!——Theworldhadoflategrownverybeautifultoher!
  CHAPTERLXI。
  THEBUREAU。
  OntheMondaynightDonalagainwentdownintothehiddenpartsofthecastle。Arcturahadcometotheschoolroom,butseemedillableforherwork,andhedidnottellherwhathewasdoingfarther。
  Theywererathertheghostsoffearsthanfearsthemselvesthathadassailedhim,andthistimetheyhardlycamenearhimashewrought。
  Withhisnewfilehemadebetterworkthanbefore,andsoonfinishedcuttingthroughthetopofthestaple。Tryingitthenwithapokerasalever,hebrokethebottompartacross;sotherewasnothingtoholdthebolt,andwithacreakingnoiseofrustyhingesthedoorslowlyopenedtohissteadypull。Nothingappearedbutawallofplank!Hegaveitapush;ityielded:anotherdoor,close-fitting,andwithoutanyfastening,flewopen,revealingasmallclosetorpress,andontheoppositesideofitathirddoor。Thishecouldnotatonceopen。Itwassecured,however,withacommonlock,whichcosthimscarcelyanytrouble。Itopenedonalittleroom,ofaboutninefeetbyseven。Hewentin。Itcontainednothingbutanold-fashionedsecretaryorbureau,andaseatlikealowmusic-stool。
  “Itmayhavebeenavestryforthepriest!”thoughtDonal;“butitmusthavebeenusedlaterthanthechapel,forthisdeskisnotolderthantheoneatTheMains,whichmistressJeansaidwasmadeforhergrandmother!”
  Thenhowdiditgetintotheplace?Therewasnootherdoor!Abovethebureauwasasmallwindow,orwhatseemedawindowdoubtfulwithdirt;butdoortherewasnot!Itwasnottoolargetoenterbytheoakdoor,butitcouldnothavegottoitalonganyofthepassageshehadcomethrough!Itfollowedthattheremust,andthatnotsoverylongago,havebeenanotherentrancetotheplaceinwhichhestood!
  Heturnedtolookatthewayhehadhimselfcome:itwasthroughacommonpressofpainteddeal,fillingtheendofthelittleroom,therenarrowedtoaboutfivefeet。Whenthedoorinthebackofitwasshut,itlookedmerelyapartofthebackofthepress。
  Heturnedagaintothebureau,withastrangefeelingathisheart。
  Thecoverwasdown,andonitlaysomesheetsofpaper,discolouredwithdustandage。Apenlaywiththem,andbesidewasanink-bottleofthecommonesttype,theinkinpowderandflakes。Hetookuponeofthesheets。Ithadagreatstainonit。Thebottlemusthavebeenoverturned!Butwasitink?No;itstoodtoothickonthepaper。
  WithagruesomeshiverDonalwettedhisfingerandtriedthesurfaceofit:alittlecameoff,atingeofsuspiciousbrown。Therewaswritingonthepaper!Whatwasit?Heheldthefadedlinesclosetothecandle。Theywerenotdifficulttodecipher。Hesatdownonthestool,andreadthus——hisreadingbrokenbythestain:therewasnodate:——
  “MyhusbandforsuchIwill——blot——areinthesightofGod——blot——menwhyareyousocruelwhat——blot——deservetheseterrors——blot——inthoughthaveI——blot——harduponmetothinkofanother。“
  Herethewritingcamebelowtheblot,andwentonunbroken。
  “MylittleoneisgoneandIamleftlonelyohsolonely。IcannotbutthinkthatifyouhadlovedmeasyouoncedidIshouldyetbeclaspingmylittleonetomybosomandyouwouldhaveadaughtertocomfortyouafterIamgone。IfeelsureIcannotlongsurvivethis——ahtheremyhandhasburstoutbleedingagain,butdonotthinkImindit,Iknowitwasonlyanaccident,younevermeanttodoit,thoughyouteasedmebyrefusingtosayso——besidesitisnothing。YoumightdraweverdropofbloodfrommybodyandIwouldnotcareifonlyyouwouldnotmakemyheartbleedso。Oh,itisgoneallovermypaperandyouwillthinkIhavedoneittoletyouseehowitbleeds——butIcannotwriteitalloveragainitistoogreatalabourandtoopainfultowrite,soyoumustseeitjustasitis。Idarenotthinkwheremybabyis,forifIshouldbedoomednevertoseeherbecauseoftheloveIhavebornetoyouandconsentedtobeasyouwishedifIamcastoutfromGodbecauseI
  lovedyoumorethanhimIshallneverseeyouagain——fortobewhereIcouldseeyouwouldneverbepunishmentenoughformysins。“
  Herethewritingstopped:thebleedingofthehandhadprobablybroughtittoaclose。Theletterhadneverbeenfolded,butlyingthere,hadlainthere。Helookedifhecouldfindadate;therewasnone。Heheldthesheetuptothelight,andsawapapermark;whileclosebylayanothersheetwithmerelyadate——inthesamehand,asifthewriterhadbeenabouttocommenceanotherinlieuoftheletterspoiled。
  “Strange!”thoughtDonalwithhimself;“anoldwitheredgrieflooksalmostaspitifulasanoldwitheredjoy!——Butwhoistosayeitheriswithered?Thosewholookupondeathasanevil,yetregarditasthehealerofsorrows!Isitsuch?Noonecantellhowlongagriefmaylastunwithered!Surelytillthelifehealsit!Heisacowardwhowouldbecuredofhissorrowbymerelapseoftime,bythemereforgettingofabrainthatgrowsmustywithage。ItisGodalonewhocanheal——theGodofthedeadandoftheliving!andthedeadmustfindhim,orbemiserableforevermore!”
  Hehadnotadoubtthattheletterhehadreadwasinthewritingofthemotherofthepresentearl'schildren。
  Whatwashetodo?Hehadthoughthewaslookingintomattersmucholder——thingsoverwhichthepermissionofladyArcturaextended;
  andintruthwhathehaddiscovered,orseencorroborated,wasathingshehadarighttoknow!butwhetherheoughttotellheratoncehedidnotyetsee。Hetookuphiscandle,andwithafeelingofhelplessdismay,withdrewtohischamber。Butwhenhereachedthedoorofit,yieldingtoasuddenimpulse,heturnedaway,andwentfartherupthestair,andoutuponthebartizan。