I
Therearealwaystwowaysoflookingatathing,frequentlytherearesixorseven;buttwowaysoflookingataLondonfogarequiteenough。Whenitisthickandyellowinthestreetsandstingsaman’sthroatandlungsashebreathesit,anawakeningintheearlymorningiseitheranunearthlyandgrewsome,oramysteriouslyenclosing,secluding,andcomfortablething。Ifoneawakensinahealthybody,andwithaclearbrainrestedbynormalsleepandretainingmemoriesofanormallyagreeableyesterday,onemayliewatchingthehousemaidbuildingthefire;
andaftershehassweptthehearthandputthingsinorder,liewatchingtheflamesoftheblazingandcracklingwoodcatchthecoalsandsetthemblazingalso,anddancingmerrilyandfillingcornerswithaglow;andinsolyingandrealizingthatleapinglightandwarmthandasoftbedaregoodthings,onemayturnoveronone’sback,stretchingarmsandlegsluxuriously,drawingdeepbreathsandsmilingataknowledgeofthefogoutsidewhichmakeshalf—pasteighto’clockonaDecembermorningasdarkastwelveo’clockonaDecembernight。Undersuchconditionsthesoft,thick,yellowgloomhasitspicturesqueandevenhumorousaspect。
Onefeelsenclosedbyitatoncefantasticallyandcosily,andisinclinedtorevelinimaginingsofthepictureoutside,itsRembrandtlightsandorangeyellows,thehalosaboutthestreet—lamps,theilluminationofshop—
windows,theflareoftorchesstuckupovercosterbarrowsandcoffee—
stands,theshadowsonthefacesofthemenandwomensellingandbuyingbesidethem。Refreshedbysleepandcomfortandsurroundedbylight,warmth,andgoodcheer,itiseasytofacetheday,toconfrontgoingoutintothefogandfeelingasortofpleasureinitsmysteries。Thisisonewayoflookingatit,butonlyone。
Theotherwayismarkedbyenormousdifferences。
Aman——hehadgivenhisnametothepeopleofthehouseasAntonyDart——awakenedinathird—storybedroominalodging—houseinapoorstreetinLondon,andashisconsciousnessreturnedtohim,itsslowandreluctantmovingsconfrontedthesecondpointofview——markedbyenormousdifferences。Hehadnotslepttwoconsecutivehoursthroughthenight,andwhenhehadslepthehadbeentormentedbydrearydreams,whichweremorefullofmiserybecauseoftheirelusivevagueness,whichkepthistorturedbrainonawearyingstrainofefforttoreachsomedefiniteunderstandingofthem。Yetwhenheawakenedtheconsciousnessofbeingagainalivewasanawfulthing。
Ifthedreamscouldhavefadedintoblanknessandallhavepassedwiththepassingofthenight,howhecouldhavethankedwhatevergodstherebe!Onlynottoawake——
onlynottoawake!Buthehadawakened。
Theclockstrucknineashedidso,consequentlyheknewthehour。
Thelodging—houseslaveyhadarousedhimbycomingtolightthefire。Shehadsethercandleonthehearthanddoneherworkasstealthilyaspossible,buthehadbeendisturbed,thoughhehadmadeadesperateefforttostrugglebackintosleep。Thatwasnouse——nouse。Hewasawakeandhewasinthemidstofitallagain。
Withoutthesenseofluxuriouscomfortheopenedhiseyesandturneduponhisback,throwingouthisarmsflatly,sothathelayasintheformofacross,inheavywearinessandanguish。Formonthshehadawakenedeachmorningaftersuchanightandhadsolainlikeacrucifiedthing。
Ashewatchedthepainfulflickeringofthedampandsmokingwoodandcoalherememberedthisandthoughtthattherehadbeenalifetimeofsuchawakenings,notknowingthatthemorbidnessofafaggedbrainblottedoutthememoryofmorenormaldaysandtoldhimfantasticlieswhichwerebutahundredthparttruth。Hecouldseeonlythehundredthparttruth,anditassumedproportionssohugethathecouldseenothingelse。Insuchastatethehumanbrainisaninfernalmachineanditsworkingscanonlybeconqueredifthemortalthingwhichliveswithit——dayandnight,nightandday——haslearnedtoseparateitscontrollablefromitsseeminglyuncontrollableatoms,andcansilenceitsclamoronitswaytomadness。
AntonyDarthadnotlearnedthisthingandtheclamorhadhaditshideouswaywithhim。Physicianswouldhavegivenanametohismentalandphysicalcondition。Hehadheardthesenamesoften——appliedtomenthestrainofwhoseliveshadbeenlikethestrainofhisown,andhadleftthemasithadlefthim——
jaded,joyless,breakingthings。Someofthemhadbeenbrokenandhaddiedorweredraggingoutbruisedandtormenteddaysintheirownhomesorinmad—houses。Healwaysshudderedwhenheheardtheirnames,andrebelledwithsickfearagainstthemerementionofthem。Theyhadworkedashehadworked,theyhadbeenstrickenwiththedeliriumofaccumulation——accumulation——
ashehadbeen。Theyhadbeencaughtintherushandswirlofthegreatmaelstrom,andhadbeenborneroundandroundinit,untilhavinggraspedeverycovetedthingtossinguponitscirclingwaters,theythemselveshadbeenflungupontheshorewithbothhandsfull,therocksaboutthemstrewnwithrichpossessions,whiletheylayprostrateandgazedatalllifehadbroughtwithdull,hopeless,anguishedeyes。Heknew——iftheworstcametotheworst——
whatwouldbesaidofhim,becausehehadhearditsaidofothers。"Heworkedtoohard——heworkedtoohard。"Hewassickofhearingit。
Whatwaswrongwiththeworld——
whatwaswrongwithman,asMan——ifworkcouldbreakhimlikethis?
IfonebelievedinDeity,thelivingcreatureItbreathedintobeingmustbeaperfectthing——notonetobewearied,sickened,torturedbythelifeItsbreathinghadcreated。A
meremanwoulddisdaintobuildathingsopoorandincomplete。
Amerehumanengineerwhoconstructedanenginewhoseworkingswereperpetuallyatfault——whichwentwrongwhencalledupontodothelaboritwasmadefor——whowouldnotscoffatitandcastitasideasapieceofworthlessbungling?
"Somethingiswrong,"hemut—
tered,lyingflatuponhiscrossandstaringattheyellowhazewhichhadcreptthroughcranniesinwindow—
sashesintotheroom。"Someoneiswrong。IsitI——orYou?"
Histhinlipsdrewthemselvesbackagainsthisteethinamirthlesssmilewhichwaslikeagrin。
"Yes,"hesaid。"Iamprettyfargone。IambeginningtotalktomyselfaboutGod。BryandiditjustbeforehewastakentoDr。Hewletts’
placeandcuthisthroat。"
Hehadnotledaspeciallyevillife;hehadnotbrokenlaws,butthesubjectofDeitywasnotonewhichhisschemeofexistencehadincluded。Whenithadhauntedhimoflatehehadfeltitanuntowardandmorbidsign。Thethinghaddrawnhim——drawnhim;hehadcomplainedagainstit,hehadargued,sometimesheknew——shuddering——
thathehadraved。Somethinghadseemedtostandasideandwatchhisbeingandhisthinking。
Somethingwhichfilledtheuniversehadseemedtowait,andtohavewaitedthroughalltheeternalages,toseewhathe——oneman——woulddo。Attimesagreatappalledwonderhadsweptoverhimathisrealizationthathehadneverknownorthoughtofitbefore。Ithadbeentherealways——throughalltheagesthathadpassed。Andsometimes——
onceortwice——thethoughthadinsomeunspeakable,untranslatablewaybroughthimamoment’scalm。
Butatothertimeshehadsaidtohimself——withashiveringsoulcoweringwithinhim——thatthiswasonlypartofitallandwasabeginning,perhaps,ofreligiousmonomania。
Duringthelastweekhehadknownwhathewasgoingtodo——
hehadmadeuphismind。Thisabjecthorrorthroughwhichothershadletthemselvesbedraggedtomadnessordeathhewouldnotendure。Theendshouldcomequickly,andnooneshouldbesmittenaghastbyseeingorknowinghowitcame。
InthecrowdedshabbierstreetsofLondontherewerelodging—houseswhereone,bytakingprecautions,couldendhislifeinsuchamanneraswouldblothimoutofanyworldwheresuchamanashimselfhadbeenknown。Apistol,properlymanaged,wouldobliterateresemblancetoanyhumanthing。Monthsagothroughchancetalkhehadheardhowitcouldbedone——anddonequickly。
Hecouldleaveamisleadingletter。
Hehadplannedwhatitshouldbe——
thestoryitshouldtellofadisheartenedmediocreventurerofhispoorallreturningbankruptandhumiliatedfromAustralia,endingexistenceinsuchpennilessnessthattheparishmustgivehimapauper’sgrave。Whatdiditmatterwhereamanlay,sothatheslept——slept——
slept?Surelywithone’sbrainsscatteredonewouldsleepsoundlyanywhere。
Hehadcometothehousethenightbefore,dressedshabbilywiththepitiablerespectabilityofadefeatedman。Hehadentereddroopinglywithbentshouldersandhopelesshangofhead。Inhisownspherehewasamanwhoheldhimselfwell。Hehadletfallafewdispiritedsentenceswhenhehadengagedhisbackroomfromthewomanofthehouse,andshehadrecognizedhimasoneoftheluckless。
Infact,shehadhesitatedamomentbeforehisunreliablelookuntilhehadtakenoutmoneyfromhispocketandpaidhisrentforaweekinadvance。Shewouldhavethatatleastforhertrouble,hehadsaidtohimself。Heshouldnotoccupytheroomafterto—morrow。Inhisownhomesomedayswouldpassbeforehishouseholdbegantomakeinquiries。HehadtoldhisservantsthathewasgoingovertoParisforachange。Hewouldbesafeanddeepinhispauper’sgraveaweekbeforetheyaskedeachotherwhytheydidnothearfromhim。Allwasinorder。Oneofthemockingagonieswasthatlivingwasdonefor。Hehadceasedtolive。Work,pleasure,sun,moon,andstarshadlosttheirmeaning。Hestoodandlookedatthemostradiantlovelinessoflandandskyandseaandfeltnothing。
Successbroughtgreaterwealtheachdaywithoutstirringapulseofpleasure,evenintriumph。Therewasnothingleftbuttheawfuldaysandawfulnightstowhichheknewphysicianscouldgivetheirscientificname,buthadnohealingfor。Hehadgonefarenough。Hewouldgonofarther。To—morrowitwouldhavebeenoverlonghours。Andtherewouldhavebeennopublicdeclaimingoverthehumiliatingpitifulnessofhisend。Andwhatdiditmatter?
Howthickthefogwasoutside——
thickenoughforamantolosehimselfinit。Theyellowmistwhichhadcreptinunderthedoorsandthroughthecrevicesofthewindow—
sashesgaveaghostlylooktotheroom——aghastly,abnormallook,hesaidtohimself。Thefirewassmoulderinginsteadofblazing。Butwhatdiditmatter?Hewasgoingout。Hehadnotboughtthepistollastnight——likeafool。Somehowhisbrainhadbeensotiredandcrowdedthathehadforgotten。
"Forgotten。"Hementallyrepeatedthewordashegotoutofbed。
Bythistimeto—morrowheshouldhaveforgotteneverything。THIS
TIMETO—MORROW。Hismindrepeatedthatalso,ashebegantodresshimself。Whereshouldhebe?Shouldhebeanywhere?Supposeheawakenedagain——tosomethingasbadasthis?Howdidamangetoutofhisbody?Afterthecrashandshockwhathappened?DidonefindoneselfstandingbesidetheThingandlookingdownatit?Itwouldnotbeagoodthingtostandandlookdownon——evenforthatwhichhaddesertedit。Buthavingtornoneselfloosefromitanditsdevilishachesandpains,onewouldnotcare——onewouldseehowlittleitallmattered。Anythingelsemustbebetterthanthis——thethingforwhichtherewasascientificnamebutnohealing。Hehadtakenallthedrugs,hehadobeyedallthemedicalorders,andherehewasafterthatlasthellofanight——dressinghimselfinabackbedroomofacheaplodging—housetogooutandbuyapistolinthisdamnedfog。
Helaughedatthelastphraseofhisthought,thelaughwhichwasamirthlessgrin。
"IamthinkingofitasifIwasafraidoftakingcold,"hesaid。
"Andto—morrow——!"
TherewouldbenoTo—morrow。
To—morrowswereatanend。Nomorenights——nomoredays——nomoremorrows。
Hefinisheddressing,puttingonhisdiscriminatinglychosenshabby—
genteelclotheswithacarefortheeffectheintendedthemtoproduce。
Thecollarandcuffsofhisshirtwerefrayedandyellow,andhefastenedhiscollarwithapinandtiedhiswornnecktiecarelessly。Hisovercoatwasbeginningtowearagreenishshadeandlookthreadbare,sowashishat。
Whenhistoiletwascompletehelookedathimselfinthecrackedandhazyglass,bendingforwardtoscrutinizehisunshavenfaceundertheshadowofthedingyhat。
"Itisallright,"hemuttered。
"ItisnotfartothepawnshopwhereIsawit。"
Thestillnessoftheroomasheturnedtogooutwasuncanny。Asitwasabackroom,therewasnostreetbelowfromwhichcouldarisesoundsofpassingvehicles,andthethicknessofthefogmuffledsuchsoundasmighthavefloatedfromthefront。Hestoppedhalf—waytothedoor,notknowingwhy,andlistened。
Towhat——forwhat?Thesilenceseemedtospreadthroughallthehouse——outintothestreets——
throughallLondon——throughalltheworld,andhetostandinthemidstofit,amanonthewaytoDeath——withnoTo—morrow。
Whatdiditmean?Itseemedtomeansomething。Theworldwithdrawn——lifewithdrawn——soundwithdrawn——breathwithdrawn。Hestoodandwaited。Perhapsthiswasoneofthesymptomsofthemorbidthingforwhichtherewasthatname。Ifsohehadbettergetawayquicklyandhaveitover,lesthebefoundwanderingaboutnotknowing——notknowing。Butnowheknew——theSilence。Hewaited——waitedandtriedtohear,asifsomethingwascallinghim——callingwithoutsound。Itreturnedtohim——thethoughtofThatwhichhadwaitedthroughalltheagestoseewhathe——oneman——woulddo。
Hehadneverexactlypitiedhimselfbefore——hedidnotknowthathepitiedhimselfnow,buthewasamangoingtohisdeath,andalight,coldsweatbrokeoutonhimanditseemedasifitwasnothewhodidit,butsomeother——heflungouthisarmsandcriedaloudwordshehadnotknownhewasgoingtospeak。
"Lord!Lord!WhatshallIdotobesaved?"
ButtheSilencegavenoanswer。
ItwastheSilencestill。
Andafterstandingafewmomentspanting,hisarmsfellandhisheaddropped,andturningthehandleofthedoor,hewentouttobuythepistol。
II
Ashewentdownthenarrowstaircase,coveredwithitsdingyandthreadbarecarpet,hefoundthehousesofullofdirtyyellowhazethatherealizedthatthefogmustbeoftheextraordinaryoneswhicharerememberedinafter—yearsasabnormalspecimensoftheirkind。Herecalledthattherehadbeenoneofthesortthreeyearsbefore,andthattrafficandbusinesshadbeenalmostentirelystoppedbyit,thataccidentshadhappenedinthestreets,andthatpeoplehavinglosttheirwayhadwanderedaboutturningcornersuntiltheyfoundthemselvesfarfromtheirintendeddestinationsandobligedtotakerefugeinhotelsorthehousesofhospitablestrangers。Curiousincidentshadoccurredandoddstoriesweretoldbythosewhohadfeltthemselvesobligedbycircumstancestogooutintothebafflinggloom。
Heguessedthatsomethingofalikenaturehadfallenuponthetownagain。Thegas—lightonthelandingsandinthemelancholyhallburnedfeebly——sofeeblythatonegotbutavagueviewofthericketyhat—standandtheshabbyovercoatsandhead—gearhanginguponit。Itwaswellforhimthathehadbutacornerorsototurnbeforehereachedthepawnshopinwhosewindowhehadseenthepistolheintendedtobuy。
Whenheopenedthestreet—doorhesawthatthefogwas,uponthewhole,perhapsevenheavierandmoreobscuring,ifpossible,thantheonesowellremembered。Hecouldnotseeanythingthreefeetbeforehim,hecouldnotseewithdistinctnessanythingtwofeetahead。Thesensationofsteppingforwardwasuncertainandmysteriousenoughtobealmostappalling。Amannotsufficientlycautiousmighthavefallenintoanyopenholeinhispath。AntonyDartkeptascloselyaspossibletothesidesofthehouses。Itwouldhavebeeneasytowalkoffthepavementintothemiddleofthestreetbutfortheedgesofthecurbandthestepdownwardfromitslevel。Traffichadalmostabsolutelyceased,thoughinthemoreimportantstreetslink—
boysweremakingeffortstoguidemenorfour—wheelersslowlyalong。
Theblindfeelingofthethingwasratherawful。Thoughbutfewpedestrianswereout,Dartfoundhimselfonceortwicebrushingagainstorcomingintoforciblecontactwithmenfeelingtheirwayaboutlikehimself。
"Oneturntotheright,"herepeatedmentally,"twototheleft,andtheplaceisatthecorneroftheothersideofthestreet。"
Hemanagedtoreachitatlast,butithadbeenaslow,andtherefore,longjourney。Allthegas—jetsthelittleshopownedwerelighted,butevenundertheirflarethearticlesinthewindow——theoneortwooncecheaplygaudydressesandshawlsandmen’sgarments——hunginthehazelikethedreary,danglingghostsofthingsrecentlyexecuted。
Amongwatchesandforlornpiecesofold—fashionedjewelryandoddsandends,thepistollayagainstthefoldsofadirtygauzeshawl。Thereitwas。Itwouldhavebeenannoyingifsomeoneelsehadbeenbeforehandandhadboughtit。