THE’THROWING—OFF’YOUNGGENTLEMAN
　　Thereisacertainkindofimpostor—abragging，vaunting，puffingyounggentleman—againstwhomwearedesiroustowarnthatfairerpartofthecreation，towhomwemorepeculiarlydevotetheseourlabours。Andweareparticularlyinducedtolayespecialstressuponthisdivisionofoursubject，byalittledialogueweheldsomeshorttimeago，withanesteemedyoungladyofouracquaintance，touchingamostgrossspecimenofthisclassofmen。
　　Wehadbeenurgingalltheabsurditiesofhisconductandconversation，anddwellingupontheimpossibilitiesheconstantlyrecounted—towhichindeedwehadnotscrupledtoprefixacertainhardlittlewordofonesyllableandthreeletters—whenourfairfriend，unabletomaintainthecontestanylonger，reluctantlycried，’Well;hecertainlyhasahabitofthrowing—off，butthen—
　　’Whatthen？Throwhimoffyourself，saidwe。Andsoshedid，butnotatourinstance，forotherreasonsappeared，anditmighthavebeenbetterifshehaddonesoatfirst。
　　Thethrowing—offyounggentlemanhassooftenafatherpossessedofvastpropertyinsomeremotedistrictofIreland，thatwelookwithsomesuspicionuponallyounggentlemenwhovolunteerthisdescriptionofthemselves。Thedeceasedgrandfatherofthethrowing—offyounggentlemanwasamanofimmensepossessions，anduntoldwealth;thethrowing—offyounggentlemanremembers，aswellasifitwereonlyyesterday，thedeceasedbaronet’slibrary，withitslongrowsofscarceandvaluablebooksinsuperblyembossedbindings，arrangedincases，reachingfromtheloftyceilingtotheoakenfloor;andthefineantiquechairsandtables，andthenobleoldcastleofBallykillbabaloo，withitssplendidprospectofhillanddale，andwood，andrichwildscenery，andthefinehuntingstablesandthespaciouscourt—yards，’and—and—everythinguponthesamemagnificentscale，’saysthethrowing—offyounggentleman，’princely;quiteprincely。Ah！’Andhesighsasifmourningoverthefallenfortunesofhisnoblehouse。
　　Thethrowing—offyounggentlemanisauniversalgenius;atwalking，running，rowing，swimming，andskating，heisunrivalled;atallgamesofchanceorskill，athunting，shooting，fishing，riding，driving，oramateurtheatricals，noonecantouchhim—thatisCOULDnot，becausehegivesyoucarefullytounderstand，lestthereshouldbeanyopportunityoftestinghisskill，thatheisquiteoutofpracticejustnow，andhasbeenforsomeyears。Ifyoumentionanybeautifulgirlofyourcommonacquaintanceinhishearing，thethrowing—offyounggentlemanstarts，smiles，andbegsyounottomindhim，foritwasquiteinvoluntary:peopledosayindeedthattheywereonceengaged，butno—althoughsheisaveryfinegirl，hewassosituatedatthattimethathecouldn’tpossiblyencouragethe—’butit’sofnousetalkingaboutit！’headds，interruptinghimself。’Shehasgotoveritnow，andIfirmlyhopeandtrustishappy。’Withthisbenevolentaspirationhenodshisheadinamysteriousmanner，andwhistlingthefirstpartofsomepopularair，thinksperhapsitwillbebettertochangethesubject。
　　Thereisanothergreatcharacteristicofthethrowing—offyounggentleman，whichis，thathe’happenstobeacquainted’withamostextraordinaryvarietyofpeopleinallpartsoftheworld。Thusinalldisputedquestions，whenthethrowing—offyounggentlemanhasnoargumenttobringforward，heinvariablyhappenstobeacquaintedwithsomedistantperson，intimatelyconnectedwiththesubject，whosetestimonydecidesthepointagainstyou，tothegreat—maywesayit—tothegreatadmirationofthreeyoungladiesoutofeveryfour，whoconsiderthethrowing—offyounggentlemanaveryhighly—connectedyoungman，andamostcharmingperson。
　　Sometimesthethrowing—offyounggentlemanhappenstolookinuponalittlefamilycircleofyoungladieswhoarequietlyspendingtheeveningtogether，andthenindeedisheattheveryheightandsummitofhisglory;foritistobeobservedthathebynomeansshinestoequaladvantageinthepresenceofmenasinthesocietyofover—credulousyoungladies，whichishisproperelement。Itisdelightfultohearthenumberofprettythingsthethrowing—offyounggentlemangivesutteranceto，duringtea，andstillmoresotoobservetheeasewithwhich，fromlongpracticeandstudy，hedelicatelyblendsonecomplimenttoaladywithtwoforhimself。
　　’Didyoueverseeamorelovelybluethanthisflower，Mr。
　　Caveton？’asksayoungladywho，truthtotell，israthersmittenwiththethrowing—offyounggentleman。’Never，’hereplies，bendingovertheobjectofadmiration，’neverbutinyoureyes。’
　　’Oh，Mr。Caveton，’criestheyounglady，blushingofcourse。
　　’IndeedIspeakthetruth，’repliesthethrowing—offyounggentleman，’Ineversawanyapproachtothem。Iusedtothinkmycousin’sblueeyeslovely，buttheygrowdimandcolourlessbesideyours。’’Oh！abeautifulcousin，Mr。Caveton！’repliestheyounglady，withthatperfectartlessnesswhichisthedistinguishingcharacteristicofallyoungladies;’anaffair，ofcourse。’’No;
　　indeed，indeedyouwrongme，’rejoinsthethrowing—offyounggentlemanwithgreatenergy。’Iferventlyhopethatherattachmenttowardsmemaybenothingbutthenaturalresultofourcloseintimacyinchildhood，andthatinchangeofsceneandamongnewfacesshemaysoonovercomeit。Iloveher！Thinknotsomeanlyofme，MissLowfield，Ibeseech，astosupposethattitle，lands，riches，andbeauty，caninfluenceMYchoice。Theheart，theheart，MissLowfield。’Herethethrowing—offyounggentlemansinkshisvoicetoastilllowerwhisper;andtheyoungladydulyproclaimstoalltheotheryoungladieswhentheygoup—stairs，toputtheirbonnetson，thatMr。Caveton’srelationsareallimmenselyrich，andthatheishopelesslybelovedbytitle，lands，riches，andbeauty。
　　Wehaveseenathrowing—offyounggentlemanwho，toourcertainknowledge，wasinnocentofanoteofmusic，andscarcelyabletorecogniseatunebyear，volunteeraSpanishairupontheguitarwhenhehadpreviouslysatisfiedhimselfthattherewasnotsuchaninstrumentwithinamileofthehouse。
　　Wehaveheardanotherthrowing—offyounggentleman，afterstrikinganoteortwouponthepiano，andaccompanyingitcorrectly（bydintoflaboriouspractice）withhisvoice，assureacircleofwonderinglistenersthatsoacutewashisearthathewaswhollyunabletosingoutoftune，lethimtryashewould。Wehavelivedtowitnesstheunmaskingofanotherthrowing—offyounggentleman，whowentoutavisitinginamilitarycapwithagoldbandandtassel，andwho，afterpassingsuccessfullyforacaptainandbeinglaudedtotheskiesforhisredwhiskers，hisbravery，hissoldierlybearingandhispride，turnedouttobethedishonestsonofanhonestlinen—draperinasmallcountrytown，andwhom，ifitwerenotforthisfortunateexposure，weshouldnotyetdespairofencounteringasthefortunatehusbandofsomerichheiress。
　　Ladies，ladies，thethrowing—offyounggentlemenareoftenswindlers，andalwaysfools。Soprayyouavoidthem。
　　THEYOUNGLADIES’YOUNGGENTLEMAN
　　Thisyounggentlemanhasseveraltitles。Someyoungladiesconsiderhim’aniceyoungman，’others’afineyoungman，’others’quitealady’sman，’others’ahandsomeman，’others’aremarkablygood—lookingyoungman。’Withsomeyoungladiesheis’aperfectangel，’andwithothers’quitealove。’Heislikewiseacharmingcreature，aduck，andadear。
　　Theyoungladies’younggentlemanhasusuallyafreshcolourandverywhiteteeth，whichlatterarticles，ofcourse，hedisplaysoneverypossibleopportunity。Hehasbrownorblackhair，andwhiskersofthesame，ifpossible;butaslighttingeofred，orthehuewhichisvulgarlyknownasSANDY，isnotconsideredanobjection。Ifhisheadandfacebelarge，hisnoseprominent，andhisfiguresquare，heisanuncommonlyfineyoungman，andworshippedaccordingly。Shouldhiswhiskersmeetbeneathhischin，somuchthebetter，thoughthisisnotabsolutelyinsistedon;buthemustwearanunder—waistcoat，andsmileconstantly。
　　Therewasagreatpartygotupbysomeparty—lovingfriendsofourslastsummer，togoanddineinEppingForest。Asweholdthatsuchwildexpeditionsshouldneverbeindulgedin，savebypeopleofthesmallestmeans，whohavenodinnerathome，weshouldindubitablyhaveexcusedourselffromattending，ifwehadnotrecollectedthattheprojectorsoftheexcursionwerealwaysaccompaniedonsuchoccasionsbyachoicesampleoftheyoungladies’younggentleman，whomwewereveryanxioustohaveanopportunityofmeeting。Thisdeterminedus，andwewent。
　　WeweretomakeforChigwellinfourglasscoaches，eachwithatriflingcompanyofsixoreightinside，andalittleboybelongingtotheprojectorsonthebox—andtostartfromtheresidenceoftheprojectors，Woburn—place，Russell—square，athalf—pasttenprecisely。Wearrivedattheplaceofrendezvousattheappointedtime，andfoundtheglasscoachesandthelittleboysquiteready，anddiversyoungladiesandyounggentlemenlookinganxiouslyoverthebreakfast—parlourblinds，whoappearedbynomeanssomuchgratifiedbyourapproachaswemighthaveexpected，butevidentlywishedwehadbeensomebodyelse。Observingthatourarrivalinlieuoftheunknownoccasionedsomedisappointment，weventuredtoinquirewhowasyettocome，whenwefoundfromthehastyreplyofadozenvoices，thatitwasnootherthantheyoungladies’younggentleman。
　　’Icannotimagine，’saidthemamma，’whathasbecomeofMr。Balim—
　　alwayssopunctual，alwayssopleasantandagreeable。IamsureI
　　can—NOTthink。’Astheselastwordswereutteredinthatmeasured，emphaticmannerwhichpainfullyannouncesthatthespeakerhasnotquitemadeuphisorhermindwhattosay，butisdeterminedtotalkonnevertheless，theeldestdaughtertookupthesubject，andhopednoaccidenthadhappenedtoMr。Balim，uponwhichtherewasageneralchorusof’DearMr。Balim！’andoneyounglady，moreadventurousthantherest，proposedthatanexpressshouldbestraightwaysenttodearMr。Balim’slodgings。This，however，thepaparesolutelyopposed，observing，inwhatashortyoungladybehindustermed’quiteabearishway，’thatifMr。Balimdidn’tchoosetocome，hemightstopathome。Atthisallthedaughtersraisedamurmurof’Ohpa！’exceptonesprightlylittlegirlofeightortenyearsold，who，takingadvantageofapauseinthediscourse，remarked，thatperhapsMr。Balimmighthavebeenmarriedthatmorning—forwhichimpertinentsuggestionshewassummarilyejectedfromtheroombyhereldestsister。
　　Wewereallinastateofgreatmortificationanduneasiness，whenoneofthelittleboys，runningintotheroomasairilyaslittleboysusuallyrunwhohaveanunlimitedallowanceofanimalfoodintheholidays，andkeeptheirhandsconstantlyforceddowntothebottomsofverydeeptrouser—pocketswhentheytakeexercise，joyfullyannouncedthatMr。Balimwasatthatmomentcomingupthestreetinahackney—cab;andtheintelligencewasconfirmedbeyondalldoubtaminuteafterwardsbytheentryofMr。Balimhimself，whowasreceivedwithrepeatedcriesof’Wherehaveyoubeen，younaughtycreature？’whereuntothenaughtycreaturereplied，thathehadbeeninbed，inconsequenceofalatepartythenightbefore，andhadonlyjustrisen。Theacknowledgmentawakenedavarietyofagonizingfearsthathehadtakennobreakfast;whichappearingafteraslightcross—examinationtobetherealstateofthecase，breakfastforonewasimmediatelyordered，notwithstandingMr。
　　Balim’srepeatedprotestationsthathecouldn’tthinkofit。Hedidthinkofitthough，andthoughtbetterofittoo，forhemadearemarkablygoodmealwhenitcame，andwasassiduouslyservedbyaselectknotofyoungladies。Itwasquitedelightfultoseehowheateanddrank，whileonepairoffairhandspouredouthiscoffee，andanotherputinthesugar，andanotherthemilk;therestofthecompanyeverandanoncastingangryglancesattheirwatches，andtheglasscoaches，—andthelittleboyslookingoninanagonyofapprehensionlestitshouldbegintorainbeforewesetout;itmighthaverainedallday，afterwewereoncetoofartoturnbackagain，andwelcome，foraughttheycared。
　　However，thecavalcademovedatlength，everycoachmanbeingaccommodatedwithahamperbetweenhislegssomethinglargerthanawheelbarrow;andthecompanybeingpackedascloselyastheypossiblycouldinthecarriages，’according，’asonemarriedladyobserved，’totheimmemorialcustom，whichwashalfthediversionofgipsyparties。’Thinkingitverylikelyitmightbe（wehaveneverbeenabletodiscovertheotherhalf），wesubmittedtobestowedawaywithacheerfulaspect，andwerefortunateenoughtooccupyonecornerofacoachinwhichwereoneoldlady，fouryoungladies，andtherenownedMr。Balimtheyoungladies’younggentleman。
　　Wewerenosoonerfairlyoff，thantheyoungladies’younggentlemanhummedafragmentofanair，whichinducedayoungladytoinquirewhetherhehaddancedtothatthenightbefore。’ByHeaven，then，Idid，’repliedtheyounggentleman，’andwithalovelyheiress;asuperbcreature，withtwentythousandpounds。’
　　’Youseemratherstruck，’observedanotheryounglady。’’Gadshewasasweetcreature，’returnedtheyounggentleman，arranginghishair。’OfcourseSHEwasstrucktoo？’inquiredthefirstyounglady。’Howcanyouask，love？’interposedthesecond;’couldshefailtobe？’’Well，honestlyIthinkshewas，’observedtheyounggentleman。Atthispointofthedialogue，theyoungladywhohadspokenfirst，andwhosatontheyounggentleman’sright，struckhimasevereblowonthearmwitharosebud，andsaidhewasavainman—whereupontheyounggentlemaninsistedonhavingtherosebud，andtheyoungladyappealingforhelptotheotheryoungladies，acharmingstruggleensued，terminatinginthevictoryoftheyounggentleman，andthecaptureoftherosebud。Thislittleskirmishover，themarriedlady，whowasthemotheroftherosebud，smiledsweetlyupontheyounggentleman，andaccusedhimofbeingaflirt;
　　theyounggentlemanpleadingnotguilty，amostinterestingdiscussiontookplaceupontheimportantpointwhethertheyounggentlemanwasaflirtornot，whichbeinganagreeableconversationofalightkind，lastedaconsiderabletime。Atlength，ashortsilenceoccurring，theyoungladiesoneithersideoftheyounggentlemanfellsuddenlyfastasleep;andtheyounggentleman，winkinguponustopreservesilence，wonapairofglovesfromeach，therebycausingthemtowakewithequalsuddennessandtoscreamveryloud。Thelivelyconversationtowhichthispleasantrygaverise，lastedfortheremainderoftheride，andwouldhaveekedoutamuchlongerone。
　　Wedinedrathermorecomfortablythanpeopleusuallydoundersuchcircumstances，nothinghavingbeenleftbehindbutthecork—screwandthebread。Themarriedgentlemenwereunusuallythirsty，whichtheyattributedtotheheatoftheweather;thelittleboysatetoinconvenience;mammaswereveryjovial，andtheirdaughtersveryfascinating;andtheattendantsbeingwell—behavedmen，gotexceedinglydrunkatarespectfuldistance。
　　WehadoureyeonMr。Balimatdinner—time，andperceivedthatheflourishedwonderfully，beingstillsurroundedbyalittlegroupofyoungladies，wholistenedtohimasanoracle，whileheatefromtheirplatesanddrankfromtheirglassesinamannertrulycaptivatingfromitsexcessiveplayfulness。Hisconversation，too，wasexceedinglybrilliant。Infact，oneelderlyladyassuredus，thatinthecourseofalittlelivelyBADINAGEonthesubjectofladies’dresses，hehadevincedasmuchknowledgeasifhehadbeenbornandbredamilliner。
　　Assuchofthefatpeoplewhodidnothappentofallasleepafterdinnerentereduponamostvigorousgameatball，weslippedawayaloneintoathickerpartofthewood，hopingtofallinwithMr。
　　Balim，thegreaterpartoftheyoungpeoplehavingdroppedoffintwosandthreesandtheyoungladies’younggentlemanamongthem。
　　Norwerewedisappointed，forwehadnotwalkedfar，when，peepingthroughthetrees，wediscoveredhimbeforeus，andtrulyitwasapleasantthingtocontemplatehisgreatness。
　　Theyoungladies’younggentlemanwasseatedupontheground，atthefeetofafewyoungladieswhowererecliningonabank;hewassoprofuselydeckedwithscarfs，ribands，flowers，andotherprettyspoils，thathelookedlikealamb—orperhapsacalfwouldbeabettersimile—adornedforthesacrifice。Oneyoungladysupportedaparasoloverhisinterestinghead，anotherheldhishat，andathirdhisneck—cloth，whichinromanticfashionhehadthrownoff;theyounggentlemanhimself，withhishanduponhisbreast，andhisfacemouldedintoanexpressionofthemosthoneyedsweetness，waswarblingforthsomechoicespecimensofvocalmusicinpraiseoffemaleloveliness，inastylesoexquisitelyperfect，thatweburstintoaninvoluntaryshoutoflaughter，andmadeahastyretreat。
　　Whatcharmingfellowstheseyoungladies’younggentlemenare！
　　Ducks，dears，loves，angels，arealltermsinadequatetoexpresstheirmerit。Theyaresuchamazingly，uncommonly，wonderfully，nicemen。
　　CONCLUSION
　　Aswehaveplacedbeforetheyoungladiessomanyspecimensofyounggentlemen，andhavealsointhededicationofthisvolumegiventhemtounderstandhowmuchwereverenceandadmiretheirnumerousvirtuesandperfections;aswehavegiventhemsuchstrongreasonstotreatuswithconfidence，andtobanish，inourcase，allthatreserveanddistrustofthemalesexwhich，asapointofgeneralbehaviour，theycannotdobetterthanpreserveandmaintain—wesay，aswehavedoneallthis，wefeelthatnow，whenwehavearrivedatthecloseofourtask，theymaynaturallypressuponustheinquiry，whatparticulardescriptionofyounggentlemenwecanconscientiouslyrecommend。
　　Hereweareataloss。Welookoverourlist，andcanneitherrecommendthebashfulyounggentleman，northeout—and—outyounggentleman，northeveryfriendlyyounggentleman，northemilitaryyounggentleman，northepoliticalyounggentleman，northedomesticyounggentleman，northecensoriousyounggentleman，northefunnyyounggentleman，northetheatricalyounggentleman，northepoeticalyounggentleman，northethrowing—offyounggentleman，northeyoungladies’younggentleman。
　　Astherearesomegoodpointsaboutmanyofthem，whichstillarenotsufficientlynumeroustorenderanyoneamongthemeligible，asawhole，ourrespectfuladvicetotheyoungladiesis，toseekforayounggentlemanwhounitesinhimselfthebestqualitiesofall，andtheworstweaknessesofnone，andtoleadhimforthwithtothehymenealaltar，whetherhewillorno。Andtotheyoungladywhosecureshim，webegtotenderoneshortfragmentofmatrimonialadvice，selectedfrommanysoundpassagesofasimilartendency，tobefoundinaletterwrittenbyDeanSwifttoayoungladyonhermarriage。
　　’Thegrandaffairofyourlifewillbe，togainandpreservetheesteemofyourhusband。Neithergood—naturenorvirtuewillsufferhimtoESTEEMyouagainsthisjudgment;andalthoughheisnotcapableofusingyouill，yetyouwillintimegrowathingindifferentandperhapscontemptible;unlessyoucansupplythelossofyouthandbeautywithmoredurablequalities。Youhavebutaveryfewyearstobeyoungandhandsomeintheeyesoftheworld;
　　andasfewmonthstobesointheeyesofahusbandwhoisnotafool;forIhopeyoudonotstilldreamofcharmsandraptures，whichmarriageeverdid，andeverwill，putasuddenendto。’
　　Fromtheanxietyweexpressfortheproperbehaviourofthefortunateladyaftermarriage，itmaypossiblybeinferredthattheyounggentlemantowhomwehavesodelicatelyalluded，isnootherthanourself。Withoutinanywaycommittingourselfuponthispoint，wehavemerelytoobserve，thatwearereadytoreceivesealedofferscontainingafullspecificationofage，temper，appearance，andcondition;butwebegittobedistinctlyunderstoodthatwedonotpledgeourselftoacceptthehighestbidder。
　　TheseoffersmaybeforwardedtothePublishers，Messrs。ChapmanandHall，London;towhomallpiecesofplateandothertestimonialsofapprobationfromtheyoungladiesgenerally，arerespectfullyrequestedtobeaddressed。