`Ofcourse,'heresumed,`Iwouldn'tnothavehadit!It'sacompleteexperience。Andshe'sawonderfulwoman。But——howIhatehersomewhere!It'scurious——'
Birkinlookedathim,athisstrange,scarcelyconsciousface。Geraldseemedblankbeforehisownwords。
`Butyou'vehadenoughnow?'saidBirkin。`Youhavehadyourexperience。
Whyworkonanoldwound?'
`Oh,'saidGerald,`Idon'tknow。It'snotfinished——'
Andthetwowalkedon。
`I'velovedyou,aswellasGudrun,don'tforget,'saidBirkinbitterly。
Geraldlookedathimstrangely,abstractedly。
`Haveyou?'hesaid,withicyscepticism。`Ordoyouthinkyouhave?'
Hewashardlyresponsibleforwhathesaid。
Thesledgecame。Gudrundismountedandtheyallmadetheirfarewell。
Theywantedtogoapart,allofthem。Birkintookhisplace,andthesledgedroveawayleavingGudrunandGeraldstandingonthesnow,waving。SomethingfrozeBirkin'sheart,seeingthemstandingthereintheisolationofthesnow,growingsmallerandmoreisolated。
WomenInLove:Chapter30CHAPTERXXXSnowedUpWHENURSULAandBirkinweregone,GudrunfeltherselffreeinhercontestwithGerald。Astheygrewmoreusedtoeachother,heseemedtopressuponhermoreandmore。Atfirstshecouldmanagehim,sothatherownwillwasalwaysleftfree。
Butverysoon,hebegantoignoreherfemaletactics,hedroppedhisrespectforherwhimsandherprivacies,hebegantoexerthisownwillblindly,withoutsubmittingtohers。
Alreadyavitalconflicthadsetin,whichfrightenedthemboth。Buthewasalone,whilstalreadyshehadbeguntocastroundforexternalresource。
WhenUrsulahadgone,Gudrunfeltherownexistencehadbecomestarkandelemental。Shewentandcrouchedaloneinherbedroom,lookingoutofthewindowatthebig,flashingstars。Infrontwasthefaintshadowofthemountain—knot。Thatwasthepivot。Shefeltstrangeandinevitable,asifshewerecentreduponthepivotofallexistence,therewasnofurtherreality。
PresentlyGeraldopenedthedoor。Sheknewhewouldnotbelongbeforehecame。Shewasrarelyalone,hepresseduponherlikeafrost,deadeningher。
`Areyoualoneinthedark?'hesaid。Andshecouldtellbyhistoneheresentedit,heresentedthisisolationshehaddrawnroundherself。
Yet,feelingstaticandinevitable,shewaskindtowardshim。
`Wouldyouliketolightthecandle?'sheasked。
Hedidnotanswer,butcameandstoodbehindher,inthedarkness。
`Look,'shesaid,`atthatlovelystarupthere。Doyouknowitsname?'
Hecrouchedbesideher,tolookthroughthelowwindow。
`No,'hesaid。`Itisveryfine。'
`Isn'titbeautiful!Doyounoticehowitdartsdifferentcolouredfires——itflashesreallysuperbly——'
Theyremainedinsilence。Withamute,heavygesturesheputherhandonhisknee,andtookhishand。
`AreyouregrettingUrsula?'heasked。
`No,notatall,'shesaid。Then,inaslowmood,sheasked:
`Howmuchdoyouloveme?'
Hestiffenedhimselffurtheragainsther。
`HowmuchdoyouthinkIdo?'heasked。
`Idon'tknow,'shereplied。
`Butwhatisyouropinion?'heasked。
Therewasapause。Atlength,inthedarkness,camehervoice,hardandindifferent:
`Verylittleindeed,'shesaidcoldly,almostflippant。
Hisheartwenticyatthesoundofhervoice。
`Whydon'tIloveyou?'heasked,asifadmittingthetruthofheraccusation,yethatingherforit。
`Idon'tknowwhyyoudon't——I'vebeengoodtoyou。Youwereinafearfulstatewhenyoucametome。'
Herheartwasbeatingtosuffocateher,yetshewasstrongandunrelenting。
`WhenwasIinafearfulstate?'heasked。
`Whenyoufirstcametome。Ihadtotakepityonyou。Butitwasneverlove。'
Itwasthatstatement`Itwasneverlove,'whichsoundedinhisearswithmadness。
`Whymustyourepeatitsooften,thatthereisnolove?'hesaidinavoicestrangledwithrage。
`Wellyoudon'tthinkyoulove,doyou?'sheasked。
Hewassilentwithcoldpassionofanger。
`Youdon'tthinkyoucanloveme,doyou?'sherepeatedalmostwithasneer。
`No,'hesaid。
`Youknowyouneverhavelovedme,don'tyou?'
`Idon'tknowwhatyoumeanbytheword`love,'hereplied。
`Yes,youdo。Youknowallrightthatyouhaveneverlovedme。Haveyou,doyouthink?'
`No,'hesaid,promptedbysomebarrenspiritoftruthfulnessandobstinacy。
`Andyouneverwillloveme,'shesaidfinally,`willyou?'
Therewasadiaboliccoldnessinher,toomuchtobear。
`No,'hesaid。
`Then,'shereplied,`whathaveyouagainstme!'
Hewassilentincold,frightenedrageanddespair。`IfonlyIcouldkillher,'hisheartwaswhisperingrepeatedly。`IfonlyIcouldkillher——Ishouldbefree。'
ItseemedtohimthatdeathwastheonlyseveringofthisGordianknot。
`Whydoyoutortureme?'hesaid。
Sheflungherarmsroundhisneck。
`Ah,Idon'twanttotortureyou,'shesaidpityingly,asifshewerecomfortingachild。Theimpertinencemadehisveinsgocold,hewasinsensible。
Sheheldherarmsroundhisneck,inatriumphofpity。Andherpityforhimwasascoldasstone,itsdeepestmotivewashateofhim,andfearofhispoweroverher,whichshemustalwayscounterfoil。
`Sayyouloveme,'shepleaded。`Sayyouwilllovemeforever——won'tyou——won'tyou?'
Butitwashervoiceonlythatcoaxedhim。Hersenseswereentirelyapartfromhim,coldanddestructiveofhim。Itwasheroverbearingwillthatinsisted。
`Won'tyousayyou'lllovemealways?'shecoaxed。`Sayit,evenifitisn'ttrue——sayitGerald,do。'
`Iwillloveyoualways,'herepeated,inrealagony,forcingthewordsout。
Shegavehimaquickkiss。
`Fancyyouractuallyhavingsaidit,'shesaidwithatouchofraillery。
Hestoodasifhehadbeenbeaten。
`Trytolovemealittlemore,andtowantmealittleless,'shesaid,inahalfcontemptuous,halfcoaxingtone。
Thedarknessseemedtobeswayinginwavesacrosshismind,greatwavesofdarknessplungingacrosshismind。Itseemedtohimhewasdegradedattheveryquick,madeofnoaccount。
`Youmeanyoudon'twantme?'hesaid。
`Youaresoinsistent,andthereissolittlegraceinyou,solittlefineness。Youaresocrude。Youbreakme——youonlywasteme——itishorribletome。'
`Horribletoyou?'herepeated。
`Yes。Don'tyouthinkImighthavearoomtomyself,nowUrsulahasgone?Youcansayyouwantadressingroom。'
`Youdoasyoulike——youcanleavealtogetherifyoulike,'hemanagedtoarticulate。
`Yes,Iknowthat,'shereplied。`Socanyou。Youcanleavemewheneveryoulike——withoutnoticeeven。'
Thegreattidesofdarknesswereswingingacrosshismind,hecouldhardlystandupright。Aterriblewearinessovercamehim,hefelthemustlieonthefloor。Droppingoffhisclothes,hegotintobed,andlaylikeamansuddenlyovercomebydrunkenness,thedarknessliftingandplungingasifhewerelyinguponablack,giddysea。Helaystillinthisstrange,horrificreelingforsometime,purelyunconscious。
Atlengthsheslippedfromherownbedandcameovertohim。Heremainedrigid,hisbacktoher。Hewasallbutunconscious。
Sheputherarmsroundhisterrifying,insentientbody,andlaidhercheekagainsthishardshoulder。
`Gerald,'shewhispered。`Gerald。'
Therewasnochangeinhim。Shecaughthimagainsther。Shepressedherbreastsagainsthisshoulders,shekissedhisshoulder,throughthesleepingjacket。Hermindwondered,overhisrigid,unlivingbody。Shewasbewildered,andinsistent,onlyherwillwassetforhimtospeaktoher。
`Gerald,mydear!'shewhispered,bendingoverhim,kissinghisear。
Herwarmbreathplaying,flyingrhythmicallyoverhisear,seemedtorelaxthetension。Shecouldfeelhisbodygraduallyrelaxingalittle,losingitsterrifying,unnaturalrigidity。Herhandsclutchedhislimbs,hismuscles,goingoverhimspasmodically。
Thehotbloodbegantoflowagainthroughhisveins,hislimbsrelaxed。
`Turnroundtome,'shewhispered,forlornwithinsistenceandtriumph。
Soatlasthewasgivenagain,warmandflexible。Heturnedandgatheredherinhisarms。Andfeelinghersoftagainsthim,soperfectlyandwondrouslysoftandrecipient,hisarmstightenedonher。Shewasasifcrushed,powerlessinhim。Hisbrainseemedhardandinvinciblenowlikeajewel,therewasnoresistinghim。
Hispassionwasawfultoher,tenseandghastly,andimpersonal,likeadestruction,ultimate。Shefeltitwouldkillher。Shewasbeingkilled。
`MyGod,myGod,'shecried,inanguish,inhisembrace,feelingherlifebeingkilledwithinher。Andwhenhewaskissingher,soothingher,herbreathcameslowly,asifshewerereallyspent,dying。
`ShallIdie,shallIdie?'sherepeatedtoherself。
Andinthenight,andinhim,therewasnoanswertothequestion。
Andyet,nextday,thefragmentofherwhichwasnotdestroyedremainedintactandhostile,shedidnotgoaway,sheremainedtofinishtheholiday,admittingnothing。Hescarcelyeverleftheralone,butfollowedherlikeashadow,hewaslikeadoomuponher,acontinual`thoushalt,'`thoushaltnot。'Sometimesitwashewhoseemedstrongest,whistshewasalmostgone,creepingneartheearthlikeaspentwind;sometimesitwasthereverse。
Butalwaysitwasthiseternalsee—saw,onedestroyedthattheothermightexist,oneratifiedbecausetheotherwasnulled。
`Intheend,'shesaidtoherself,`Ishallgoawayfromhim。'
`Icanbefreeofher,'hesaidtohimselfinhisparoxysmsofsuffering。
Andhesethimselftobefree。Heevenpreparedtogoaway,toleaveherinthelurch。Butforthefirsttimetherewasaflawinhiswill。
`WhereshallIgo?'heaskedhimself。
`Can'tyoubeself—sufficient?'herepliedtohimself,puttinghimselfuponhispride。
`Self—sufficient!'herepeated。
ItseemedtohimthatGudrunwassufficientuntoherself,closedroundandcompleted,likeathinginacase。Inthecalm,staticreasonofhissoul,herecognisedthis,andadmitteditwasherright,tobeclosedrounduponherself,self—complete,withoutdesire。Herealisedit,headmittedit,itonlyneededonelasteffortonhisownpart,towinforhimselfthesamecompleteness。Heknewthatitonlyneededoneconvulsionofhiswillforhimtobeabletoturnuponhimselfalso,tocloseuponhimselfasastonefixesuponitself,andisimpervious,self—completed,athingisolated。
Thisknowledgethrewhimintoaterriblechaos。Because,howevermuchhemightmentallywilltobeimmuneandself—complete,thedesireforthisstatewaslacking,andhecouldnotcreateit。Hecouldseethat,toexistatall,hemustbeperfectlyfreeofGudrun,leaveherifshewantedtobeleft,demandnothingofher,havenoclaimuponher。
Butthen,tohavenoclaimuponher,hemuststandbyhimself,insheernothingness。Andhisbrainturnedtonoughtattheidea。Itwasastateofnothingness。Ontheotherhand,hemightgivein,andfawntoher。Or,finally,hemightkillher。Orhemightbecomejustindifferent,purposeless,dissipated,momentaneous。Buthisnaturewastooserious,notgayenoughorsubtleenoughformockinglicentiousness。
Astrangerenthadbeentorninhim;likeavictimthatistornopenandgiventotheheavens,sohehadbeentornapartandgiventoGudrun。
Howshouldhecloseagain?Thiswound,thisstrange,infinitely—sensitiveopeningofhissoul,wherehewasexposed,likeanopenflower,toalltheuniverse,andinwhichhewasgiventohiscomplement,theother,theunknown,thiswound,thisdisclosure,thisunfoldingofhisowncovering,leavinghimincomplete,limited,unfinished,likeanopenflowerunderthesky,thiswashiscruellestjoy。Whythenshouldheforegoit?Whyshouldhecloseupandbecomeimpervious,immune,likeapartialthinginasheath,whenhehadbrokenforth,likeaseedthathasgerminated,toissueforthinbeing,embracingtheunrealisedheavens。
Hewouldkeeptheunfinishedblissofhisownyearningeventhroughthetorturesheinflicteduponhim。Astrangeobstinacypossessedhim。
Hewouldnotgoawayfromherwhatevershesaidordid。Astrange,deathlyyearningcarriedhimalongwithher。Shewasthedeterminatinginfluenceofhisverybeing,thoughshetreatedhimwithcontempt,repeatedrebuffs,anddenials,stillhewouldneverbegone,sinceinbeingnearher,even,hefeltthequickening,thegoingforthinhim,therelease,theknowledgeofhisownlimitationandthemagicofthepromise,aswellasthemysteryofhisowndestructionandannihilation。
Shetorturedtheopenheartofhimevenasheturnedtoher。Andshewastorturedherself。Itmayhavebeenherwillwasstronger。Shefelt,withhorror,asifhetoreatthebudofherheart,toreitopen,likeanirreverentpersistentbeing。Likeaboywhopullsoffafly'swings,ortearsopenabudtoseewhatisintheflower,hetoreatherprivacy,atherverylife,hewoulddestroyherasanimmaturebud,tornopen,isdestroyed。
Shemightopentowardshim,alongwhilehence,inherdreams,whenshewasapurespirit。Butnowshewasnottobeviolatedandruined。Sheclosedagainsthimfiercely。
Theyclimbedtogether,atevening,upthehighslope,toseethesunset。
Inthefinelybreathing,keenwindtheystoodandwatchedtheyellowsunsinkincrimsonanddisappear。Thenintheeastthepeaksandridgesglowedwithlivingrose,incandescentlikeimmortalflowersagainstabrown—purplesky,amiracle,whilstdownbelowtheworldwasabluishshadow,andabove,likeanannunciation,hoveredarosytransportinmid—air。
Toheritwassobeautiful,itwasadelirium,shewantedtogathertheglowing,eternalpeakstoherbreast,anddie。Hesawthem,sawtheywerebeautiful。Buttherearosenoclamourinhisbreast,onlyabitternessthatwasvisionaryinitself。Hewishedthepeaksweregreyandunbeautiful,sothatsheshouldnotgethersupportfromthem。Whydidshebetraythetwoofthemsoterribly,inembracingtheglowoftheevening?Whydidsheleavehimstandingthere,withtheice—windblowingthroughhisheart,likedeath,togratifyherselfamongtherosysnow—tips?
`Whatdoesthetwilightmatter?'hesaid。`Whydoyougrovelbeforeit?Isitsoimportanttoyou?'
Shewincedinviolationandinfury。
`Goaway,'shecried,`andleavemetoit。Itisbeautiful,beautiful,'
shesanginstrange,rhapsodictones。`ItisthemostbeautifulthingI
haveeverseeninmylife。Don'ttrytocomebetweenitandme。Takeyourselfaway,youareoutofplace——'
Hestoodbackalittle,andleftherstandingthere,statue—like,transportedintothemysticglowingeast。Alreadytherosewasfading,largewhitestarswereflashingout。Hewaited。Hewouldforegoeverythingbuttheyearning。
`ThatwasthemostperfectthingIhaveeverseen,'shesaidincold,brutaltones,whenatlastsheturnedroundtohim。`Itamazesmethatyoushouldwanttodestroyit。Ifyoucan'tseeityourself,whytrytodebarme?'Butinreality,hehaddestroyeditforher,shewasstrainingafteradeadeffect。
`Oneday,'hesaid,softly,lookingupather,`Ishalldestroyyou,asyoustandlookingatthesunset;becauseyouaresuchaliar。'
Therewasasoft,voluptuouspromisetohimselfinthewords。Shewaschilledbutarrogant。
`Ha!'shesaid。`Iamnotafraidofyourthreats!'Shedeniedherselftohim,shekeptherroomrigidlyprivatetoherself。Buthewaitedon,inacuriouspatience,belongingtohisyearningforher。
`Intheend,'hesaidtohimselfwithrealvoluptuouspromise,`whenitreachesthatpoint,Ishalldoawaywithher。'Andhetrembleddelicatelyineverylimb,inanticipation,ashetrembledinhismostviolentaccessesofpassionateapproachtoher,tremblingwithtoomuchdesire。
ShehadacurioussortofallegiancewithLoerke,allthewhile,now,somethinginsidiousandtraitorous。Geraldknewofit。Butintheunnaturalstateofpatience,andtheunwillingnesstohardenhimselfagainsther,inwhichhefoundhimself,hetooknonotice,althoughhersoftkindlinesstotheotherman,whomhehatedasanoxiousinsect,madehimshiveragainwithanaccessofthestrangeshudderingthatcameoverhimrepeatedly。
Heleftheraloneonlywhenhewentskiing,asportheloved,andwhichshedidnotpractise。Theheseemedtosweepoutoflife,tobeaprojectileintothebeyond。Andoften,whenhewentaway,shetalkedtothelittleGermansculptor。Theyhadaninvariabletopic,intheirart。
Theywerealmostofthesameideas。HehatedMestrovic,wasnotsatisfiedwiththeFuturists,helikedtheWestAfricanwoodenfigures,theAztecart,MexicanandCentralAmerican。Hesawthegrotesque,andacurioussortofmechanicalmotionintoxicatedhim,aconfusioninnature。Theyhadacuriousgamewitheachother,GudrunandLoerke,ofinfinitesuggestivity,strangeandleering,asiftheyhadsomeesotericunderstandingoflife,thattheyalonewereinitiatedintothefearfulcentralsecrets,thattheworlddarednotknow。Theirwholecorrespondencewasinastrange,barelycomprehensiblesuggestivity,theykindledthemselvesatthesubtlelustoftheEgyptiansortheMexicans。Thewholegamewasoneofsubtleinter—suggestivity,andtheywantedtokeepitontheplaneofsuggestion。Fromtheirverbalandphysicalnuancestheygotthehighestsatisfactioninthenerves,fromaqueerinterchangeofhalf—suggestedideas,looks,expressionsandgestures,whichwerequiteintolerable,thoughincomprehensible,toGerald。Hehadnotermsinwhichtothinkoftheircommerce,histermsweremuchtoogross。
Thesuggestionofprimitiveartwastheirrefuge,andtheinnermysteriesofsensationtheirobjectofworship。ArtandLifeweretothemtheRealityandtheUnreality。
`Ofcourse,'saidGudrun,`lifedoesn'treallymatter——itisone'sartwhichiscentral。Whatonedoesinone'slifehaspeuderapport,itdoesn'tsignifymuch。'
`Yes,thatisso,exactly,'repliedthesculptor。`Whatonedoesinone'sart,thatisthebreathofone'sbeing。Whatonedoesinone'slife,thatisabagatellefortheoutsiderstofussabout。'
ItwascuriouswhatasenseofelationandfreedomGudrunfoundinthiscommunication。Shefeltestablishedforever。OfcourseGeraldwasbagatelle。
Lovewasoneofthetemporalthingsinherlife,exceptinsofarasshewasanartist。ShethoughtofCleopatra——Cleopatramusthavebeenanartist;shereapedtheessentialfromaman,sheharvestedtheultimatesensation,andthrewawaythehusk;andMaryStuart,andthegreatRachel,pantingwithherloversafterthetheatre,theseweretheexotericexponentsoflove。Afterall,whatwastheloverbutfuelforthetransportofthissubtleknowledge,forafemaleart,theartofpure,perfectknowledgeinsensuousunderstanding。
OneeveningGeraldwasarguingwithLoerkeaboutItalyandTripoli。
TheEnglishmanwasinastrange,inflammablestate,theGermanwasexcited。
Itwasacontestofwords,butitmeantaconflictofspiritbetweenthetwomen。AndallthewhileGudruncouldseeinGeraldanarrogantEnglishcontemptforaforeigner。AlthoughGeraldwasquivering,hiseyesflashing,hisfaceflushed,inhisargumenttherewasabrusqueness,asavagecontemptinhismanner,thatmadeGudrun'sbloodflareup,andmadeLoerkekeenandmortified。ForGeraldcamedownlikeasledge—hammerwithhisassertions,anythingthelittleGermansaidwasmerelycontemptiblerubbish。
AtlastLoerketurnedtoGudrun,raisinghishandsinhelplessirony,ashrugofironicaldismissal,somethingappealingandchild—like。
`Sehensie,gnadigeFrau——'hebegan。
`BittesagenSienichtimmer,gnadigeFrau,'criedGudrun,hereyesflashing,hercheeksburning。ShelookedlikeavividMedusa。Hervoicewasloudandclamorous,theotherpeopleintheroomwerestartled。
`Pleasedon'tcallmeMrsCrich,'shecriedaloud。
Thename,inLoerke'smouthparticularly,hadbeenanintolerablehumiliationandconstraintuponher,thesemanydays。
Thetwomenlookedatherinamazement。Geraldwentwhiteatthecheek—bones。
`WhatshallIsay,then?'askedLoerke,withsoft,mockinginsinuation。
`SagenSienurnichtdas,'shemuttered,hercheeksflushedcrimson。
`Notthat,atleast。'
Shesaw,bythedawninglookonLoerke'sface,thathehadunderstood。
ShewasnotMrsCrich!So——o——,thatexplainedagreatdeal。
`SollichFrauleinsagen?'heasked,malevolently。
`Iamnotmarried,'shesaid,withsomehauteur。
Herheartwasflutteringnow,beatinglikeabewilderedbird。Sheknewshehaddealtacruelwound,andshecouldnotbearit。
Geraldsaterect,perfectlystill,hisfacepaleandcalm,likethefaceofastatue。Hewasunawareofher,orofLoerkeoranybody。Hesatperfectlystill,inanunalterablecalm。Loerke,meanwhile,wascrouchingandglancingupfromunderhisduckedhead。
Gudrunwastorturedforsomethingtosay,torelievethesuspense。Shetwistedherfaceinasmile,andglancedknowingly,almostsneering,atGerald。
`Truthisbest,'shesaidtohim,withagrimace。
Butnowagainshewasunderhisdomination;now,becauseshehaddealthimthisblow;becauseshehaddestroyedhim,andshedidnotknowhowhehadtakenit。Shewatchedhim。Hewasinterestingtoher。ShehadlostherinterestinLoerke。
Geraldroseatlength,andwentoverinaleisurelystillmovement,totheProfessor。ThetwobeganaconversationonGoethe。
ShewasratherpiquedbythesimplicityofGerald'sdemeanourthisevening。
Hedidnotseemangryordisgusted,onlyhelookedcuriouslyinnocentandpure,reallybeautiful。Sometimesitcameuponhim,thislookofcleardistance,anditalwaysfascinatedher。
Shewaited,troubled,throughouttheevening。Shethoughthewouldavoidher,orgivesomesign。Buthespoketohersimplyandunemotionally,ashewouldtoanyoneelseintheroom。Acertainpeace,anabstractionpossessedhissoul。
Shewenttohisroom,hotly,violentlyinlovewithhim。Hewassobeautifulandinaccessible。Hekissedher,hewasalovertoher。Andshehadextremepleasureofhim。Buthedidnotcometo,heremainedremoteandcandid,unconscious。Shewantedtospeaktohim。Butthisinnocent,beautifulstateofunconsciousnessthathadcomeuponhimpreventedher。Shefelttormentedanddark。
Inthemorning,however,helookedatherwithalittleaversion,somehorrorandsomehatreddarkeningintohiseyes。Shewithdrewontoheroldground。Butstillhewouldnotgatherhimselftogether,againsther。
Loerkewaswaitingforhernow。Thelittleartist,isolatedinhisowncompleteenvelope,feltthathereatlastwasawomanfromwhomhecouldgetsomething。Hewasuneasyallthewhile,waitingtotalkwithher,subtlycontrivingtobenearher。Herpresencefilledhimwithkeennessandexcitement,hegravitatedcunninglytowardsher,asifshehadsomeunseenforceofattraction。
Hewasnotintheleastdoubtfulofhimself,asregardsGerald。Geraldwasoneoftheoutsiders。Loerkeonlyhatedhimforbeingrichandproudandoffineappearance。Allthesethings,however,riches,prideofsocialstanding,handsomephysique,wereexternals。WhenitcametotherelationwithawomansuchasGudrun,he,Loerke,hadanapproachandapowerthatGeraldneverdreamedof。
HowshouldGeraldhopetosatisfyawomanofGudrun'scalibre?Didhethinkthatprideormasterfulwillorphysicalstrengthwouldhelphim?
Loerkeknewasecretbeyondthesethings。Thegreatestpoweristheonethatissubtleandadjustsitself,notonewhichblindlyattacks。Andhe,Loerke,hadunderstandingwhereGeraldwasacalf。He,Loerke,couldpenetrateintodepthsfaroutofGerald'sknowledge。Geraldwasleftbehindlikeapostulantintheante—roomofthistempleofmysteries,thiswoman。ButheLoerke,couldhenotpenetrateintotheinnerdarkness,findthespiritofthewomaninitsinnerrecess,andwrestlewithitthere,thecentralserpentthatiscoiledatthecoreoflife。
Whatwasit,afterall,thatawomanwanted?Wasitmeresocialeffect,fulfilmentofambitioninthesocialworld,inthecommunityofmankind?
Wasitevenaunioninloveandgoodness?Didshewant`goodness'?WhobutafoolwouldacceptthisofGudrun?Thiswasbutthestreetviewofherwants。Crossthethreshold,andyoufoundhercompletely,completelycynicalaboutthesocialworldanditsadvantages。Onceinsidethehouseofhersoulandtherewasapungentatmosphereofcorrosion,aninflameddarknessofsensation,andavivid,subtle,criticalconsciousness,thatsawtheworlddistorted,horrific。
Whatthen,whatnext?Wasitsheerblindforceofpassionthatwouldsatisfyhernow?Notthis,butthesubtlethrillsofextremesensationinreduction。Itwasanunbrokenwillreactingagainstherunbrokenwillinamyriadsubtlethrillsofreduction,thelastsubtleactivitiesofanalysisandbreakingdown,carriedoutinthedarknessofher,whilsttheoutsideform,theindividual,wasutterlyunchanged,evensentimentalinitsposes。
Butbetweentwoparticularpeople,anytwopeopleonearth,therangeofpuresensationalexperienceislimited。Theclimaxofsensualreaction,oncereachedinanydirection,isreachedfinally,thereisnogoingon。
Thereisonlyrepetitionpossible,orthegoingapartofthetwoprotagonists,orthesubjugatingoftheonewilltotheother,ordeath。
第36章