`Notnow,'hereplied。`Ihavedoneallsorts——exceptportraits——
Ineverdidportraits。Butotherthings——'
`Whatkindofthings?'askedGudrun。
Hepausedamoment,thenrose,andwentoutoftheroom。Hereturnedalmostimmediatelywithalittlerollofpaper,whichhehandedtoher。
Sheunrolledit。Itwasaphotogravurereproductionofastatuette,signedF。Loerke。
`Thatisquiteanearlything——notmechanical,'hesaid,`morepopular。'
Thestatuettewasofanakedgirl,small,finelymade,sittingonagreatnakedhorse。Thegirlwasyoungandtender,amerebud。Shewassittingsidewaysonthehorse,herfaceinherhands,asifinshameandgrief,inalittleabandon。Herhair,whichwasshortandmustbeflaxen,fellforward,divided,halfcoveringherhands。
Herlimbswereyoungandtender。Herlegs,scarcelyformedyet,thelegsofamaidenjustpassingtowardscruelwomanhood,dangledchildishlyoverthesideofthepowerfulhorse,pathetically,thesmallfeetfoldedoneovertheother,asiftohide。Buttherewasnohiding。Thereshewasexposednakedonthenakedflankofthehorse。
Thehorsestoodstockstill,stretchedinakindofstart。Itwasamassive,magnificentstallion,rigidwithpent—uppower。Itsneckwasarchedandterrible,likeasickle,itsflankswerepressedback,rigidwithpower。
Gudrunwentpale,andadarknesscameoverhereyes,likeshame,shelookedupwithacertainsupplication,almostslave—like。Heglancedather,andjerkedhisheadalittle。
`Howbigisit?'sheasked,inatonelessvoice,persistinginappearingcasualandunaffected。
`Howbig?'hereplied,glancingagainather。`Withoutpedestal——sohigh——'hemeasuredwithhishand——`withpedestal,so——'
Helookedathersteadily。Therewasalittlebrusque,turgidcontemptforherinhisswiftgesture,andsheseemedtocringealittle。
`Andwhatisitdonein?'sheasked,throwingbackherheadandlookingathimwithaffectedcoldness。
Hestillgazedathersteadily,andhisdominancewasnotshaken。
`Bronze——greenbronze。'
`Greenbronze!'repeatedGudrun,coldlyacceptinghischallenge。Shewasthinkingoftheslender,immature,tenderlimbsofthegirl,smoothandcoldingreenbronze。
`Yes,beautiful,'shemurmured,lookingupathimwithacertaindarkhomage。
Heclosedhiseyesandlookedaside,triumphant。
`Why,'saidUrsula,`didyoumakethehorsesostiff?Itisasstiffasablock。'
`Stiff?'herepeated,inarmsatonce。
`Yes。Lookhowstockandstupidandbrutalitis。Horsesaresensitive,quitedelicateandsensitive,really。'
Heraisedhisshoulders,spreadhishandsinashrugofslowindifference,asmuchastoinformhershewasanamateurandanimpertinentnobody。
`WissenSie,'hesaid,withaninsultingpatienceandcondescensioninhisvoice,`thathorseisacertainform,partofawholeform。
Itispartofaworkofart,apieceofform。Itisnotapictureofafriendlyhorsetowhichyougivealumpofsugar,doyousee——itispartofaworkofart,ithasnorelationtoanythingoutsidethatworkofart。'
Ursula,angryatbeingtreatedquitesoinsultinglydehautenbas,fromtheheightofesotericarttothedepthofgeneralexotericamateurism,replied,hotly,flushingandliftingherface。
`Butitisapictureofahorse,nevertheless。'
Heliftedhisshouldersinanothershrug。
`Asyoulike——itisnotapictureofacow,certainly。'
HereGudrunbrokein,flushedandbrilliant,anxioustoavoidanymoreofthis,anymoreofUrsula'sfoolishpersistenceingivingherselfaway。
`Whatdoyoumeanby"itisapictureofahorse?"'shecriedathersister。`Whatdoyoumeanbyahorse?Youmeananideayouhaveinyourhead,andwhichyouwanttoseerepresented。Thereisanotherideaaltogether,quiteanotheridea。Callitahorseifyoulike,orsayitisnotahorse。
Ihavejustasmuchrighttosaythatyourhorseisn'tahorse,thatitisafalsityofyourownmake—up。'
Ursulawavered,baffled。Thenherwordscame。
`Butwhydoeshehavethisideaofahorse?'shesaid。`Iknowitishisidea。Iknowitisapictureofhimself,really——'
Loerkesnortedwithrage。
`Apictureofmyself!'herepeated,inderision。`Wissensie,gnadigeFrau,thatisaKunstwerk,aworkofart。Itisaworkofart,itisapictureofnothing,ofabsolutelynothing。Ithasnothingtodowithanythingbutitself,ithasnorelationwiththeeverydayworldofthisandother,thereisnoconnectionbetweenthem,absolutelynone,theyaretwodifferentanddistinctplanesofexistence,andtotranslateoneintotheotherisworsethanfoolish,itisadarkeningofallcounsel,amakingconfusioneverywhere。Doyousee,youmustnotconfusetherelativeworkofaction,withtheabsoluteworldofart。Thatyoumustnotdo。'
`Thatisquitetrue,'criedGudrun,letlooseinasortofrhapsody。
`Thetwothingsarequiteandpermanentlyapart,theyhavenothingtodowithoneanother。Iandmyart,theyhavenothingtodowitheachother。Myartstandsinanotherworld,Iaminthisworld。'
Herfacewasflushedandtransfigured。Loerkewhowassittingwithhisheadducked,likesomecreatureatbay,lookedupather,swiftly,almostfurtively,andmurmured,`Ja——soistes,soistes。'
Ursulawassilentafterthisoutburst。Shewasfurious。Shewantedtopokeaholeintothemboth。
`Itisn'tawordofittrue,ofallthisharangueyouhavemademe,'
sherepliedflatly。`Thehorseisapictureofyourownstock,stupidbrutality,andthegirlwasagirlyoulovedandtorturedandthenignored。'
Helookedupatherwithasmallsmileofcontemptinhiseyes。Hewouldnottroubletoanswerthislastcharge。
Gudruntoowassilentinexasperatedcontempt。Ursulawassuchaninsufferableoutsider,rushinginwhereangelswouldfeartotread。
Butthen——foolsmustbesuffered,ifnotgladly。
ButUrsulawaspersistenttoo。
`Asforyourworldofartandyourworldofreality,'shereplied,`youhavetoseparatethetwo,becauseyoucan'tbeartoknowwhatyouare。
Youcan'tbeartorealisewhatastock,stiff,hide—boundbrutalityyouarereally,soyousay"it'stheworldofart。"Theworldofartisonlythetruthabouttherealworld,that'sall——butyouaretoofargonetoseeit。'
Shewaswhiteandtrembling,intent。GudrunandLoerkesatinstiffdislikeofher。Geraldtoo,whohadcomeupinthebeginningofthespeech,stoodlookingatherincompletedisapprovalandopposition。Hefeltshewasundignified,sheputasortofvulgarityovertheesotericismwhichgavemanhislastdistinction。Hejoinedhisforceswiththeothertwo。
Theyallthreewantedhertogoaway。Butshesatoninsilence,hersoulweeping,throbbingviolently,herfingerstwistingherhandkerchief。
Theothersmaintainedadeadsilence,lettingthedisplayofUrsula'sobtrusivenesspassby。ThenGudrunasked,inavoicethatwasquitecoolandcasual,asifresumingacasualconversation:
`Wasthegirlamodel?'
`Nein,siewarkeinModell。SiewareinekleineMalschulerin。'
`Anart—student!'repliedGudrun。
Andhowthesituationrevealeditselftoher!Shesawthegirlart—student,unformedandofperniciousrecklessness,tooyoung,herstraightflaxenhaircutshort,hangingjustintoherneck,curvinginwardsslightly,becauseitwasratherthick;andLoerke,thewell—knownmaster—sculptor,andthegirl,probablywell—brought—up,andofgoodfamily,thinkingherselfsogreattobehismistress。Ohhowwellsheknewthecommoncallousnessofitall。Dresden,Paris,orLondon,whatdiditmatter?Sheknewit。
`Whereisshenow?'Ursulaasked。
Loerkeraisedhisshoulders,toconveyhiscompleteignoranceandindifference。
`Thatisalreadysixyearsago,'hesaid;`shewillbetwenty—threeyearsold,nomoregood。'
Geraldhadpickedupthepictureandwaslookingatit。Itattractedhimalso。Hesawonthepedestal,thatthepiecewascalled`LadyGodiva。'
`Butthisisn'tLadyGodiva,'hesaid,smilinggood—humouredly。`Shewasthemiddle—agedwifeofsomeEarlorother,whocoveredherselfwithherlonghair。'
`AlaMaudAllan,'saidGudrunwithamockinggrimace。
`WhyMaudAllan?'hereplied。`Isn'titso?Ialwaysthoughtthelegendwasthat。'
`Yes,Geralddear,I'mquitesureyou'vegotthelegendperfectly。'
Shewaslaughingathim,withalittle,mock—caressivecontempt。
`Tobesure,I'dratherseethewomanthanthehair,'helaughedinreturn。
`Wouldn'tyoujust!'mockedGudrun。
Ursularoseandwentaway,leavingthethreetogether。
GudruntookthepictureagainfromGerald,andsatlookingatitclosely。
`Ofcourse,'shesaid,turningtoteaseLoerkenow,`youunderstoodyourlittleMalschulerin。'
Heraisedhiseyebrowsandhisshouldersinacomplacentshrug。
`Thelittlegirl?'askedGerald,pointingtothefigure。
Gudrunwassittingwiththepictureinherlap。ShelookedupatGerald,fullintohiseyes,sothatheseemedtobeblinded。
`Didn'theunderstandher!'shesaidtoGerald,inaslightlymocking,humorousplayfulness。`You'veonlytolookatthefeet——aren'ttheydarling,soprettyandtender——oh,they'rereallywonderful,theyarereally——'
Sheliftedhereyesslowly,withahot,flaminglookintoLoerke'seyes。
Hissoulwasfilledwithherburningrecognition,heseemedtogrowmoreuppishandlordly。
Geraldlookedatthesmall,sculpturedfeet。Theywereturnedtogether,halfcoveringeachotherinpatheticshynessandfear。Helookedatthemalongtime,fascinated。Then,insomepain,heputthepictureawayfromhim。Hefeltfullofbarrenness。
`Whatwashername?'GudrunaskedLoerke。
`AnnettevonWeck,'Loerkerepliedreminiscent。`Ja,siewarhubsch。
Shewaspretty——butshewastiresome。Shewasanuisance,——notforaminutewouldshekeepstill——notuntilI'dslappedherhardandmadehercry——thenshe'dsitforfiveminutes。'
Hewasthinkingoverthework,hiswork,theallimportanttohim。
`Didyoureallyslapher?'askedGudrun,coolly。
Heglancedbackather,readingherchallenge。
`Yes,Idid,'hesaid,nonchalant,`harderthanIhaveeverbeatanythinginmylife。Ihadto,Ihadto。ItwastheonlywayIgottheworkdone。'
Gudrunwatchedhimwithlarge,dark—filledeyes,forsomemoments。Sheseemedtobeconsideringhisverysoul。Thenshelookeddown,insilence。
`WhydidyouhavesuchayoungGodivathen?'askedGerald。`Sheissosmall,besides,onthehorse——notbigenoughforit——suchachild。'
AqueerspasmwentoverLoerke'sface。
`Yes,'hesaid。`Idon'tlikethemanybigger,anyolder。Thentheyarebeautiful,atsixteen,seventeen,eighteen——afterthat,theyarenousetome。'
Therewasamoment'spause。
`Whynot?'askedGerald。
Loerkeshruggedhisshoulders。
`Idon'tfindtheminteresting——orbeautiful——theyarenogoodtome,formywork。'
`Doyoumeantosayawomanisn'tbeautifulaftersheistwenty?'askedGerald。
`Forme,no。Beforetwenty,sheissmallandfreshandtenderandslight。
Afterthat——letherbewhatshelikes,shehasnothingforme。TheVenusofMiloisabourgeoise——soaretheyall。'
`Andyoudon'tcareforwomenatallaftertwenty?'askedGerald。
`Theyarenogoodtome,theyareofnouseinmyart,'Loerkerepeatedimpatiently。`Idon'tfindthembeautiful。'
`Youareanepicure,'saidGerald,withaslightsarcasticlaugh。
`Andwhataboutmen?'askedGudrunsuddenly。
`Yes,theyaregoodatallages,'repliedLoerke。`Amanshouldbebigandpowerful——whetherheisoldoryoungisofnoaccount,sohehasthesize,somethingofmassivenessand——andstupidform。'
Ursulawentoutaloneintotheworldofpure,newsnow。Butthedazzlingwhitenessseemedtobeatuponhertillithurther,shefeltthecoldwasslowlystranglinghersoul。Herheadfeltdazedandnumb。
Suddenlyshewantedtogoaway。Itoccurredtoher,likeamiracle,thatshemightgoawayintoanotherworld。Shehadfeltsodoomeduphereintheeternalsnow,asiftherewerenobeyond。
Nowsuddenly,asbyamiraclesherememberedthatawaybeyond,belowher,laythedarkfruitfulearth,thattowardsthesouththerewerestretchesoflanddarkwithorangetreesandcypress,greywitholives,thatilextreesliftedwonderfulplumytuftsinshadowagainstabluesky。Miracleofmiracles!——thisutterlysilent,frozenworldofthemountain—topswasnotuniversal!Onemightleaveitandhavedonewithit。Onemightgoaway。
Shewantedtorealisethemiracleatonce。Shewantedatthisinstanttohavedonewiththesnow—world,theterrible,staticice—builtmountaintops。Shewantedtoseethedarkearth,tosmellitsearthyfecundity,toseethepatientwintryvegetation,tofeelthesunshinetoucharesponseinthebuds。
Shewentbackgladlytothehouse,fullofhope。Birkinwasreading,lyinginbed。
`Rupert,'shesaid,burstinginonhim。`Iwanttogoaway。'
Helookedupatherslowly。
`Doyou?'herepliedmildly。
Shesatbyhimundputherarmsroundhisneck。Itsurprisedherthathewassolittlesurprised。
`Don'tyou?'sheaskedtroubled。
`Ihadn'tthoughtaboutit,'hesaid。`ButI'msureIdo。'
Shesatup,suddenlyerect。
`Ihateit,'shesaid。`Ihatethesnow,andtheunnaturalnessofit,theunnaturallightitthrowsoneverybody,theghastlyglamour,theunnaturalfeelingsitmakeseverybodyhave。'
Helaystillandlaughed,meditating。
`Well,'hesaid,`wecangoaway——wecangotomorrow。We'llgotomorrowtoVerona,andfindRomeoandJuliet,andsitintheamphitheatre——shallwe?'
Suddenlyshehidherfaceagainsthisshoulderwithperplexityandshyness。
Helaysountrammelled。
`Yes,'shesaidsoftly,filledwithrelief。Shefelthersoulhadnewwings,nowhewassouncaring。`IshalllovetobeRomeoandJuliet,'shesaid。`Mylove!'
`ThoughafearfullycoldwindblowsinVerona,'hesaid,`fromoutoftheAlps。Weshallhavethesmellofthesnowinournoses。'
Shesatupandlookedathim。
`Areyougladtogo?'sheasked,troubled。
Hiseyeswereinscrutableandlaughing。Shehidherfaceagainsthisneck,clingingclosetohim,pleading:
`Don'tlaughatme——don'tlaughatme。'
`Whyhow'sthat?'helaughed,puttinghisarmsroundher。
`BecauseIdon'twanttobelaughedat,'shewhispered。
Helaughedmore,ashekissedherdelicate,finelyperfumedhair。
`Doyouloveme?'shewhispered,inwildseriousness。
`Yes,'heanswered,laughing。
Suddenlysheliftedhermouthtobekissed。Herlipsweretautandquiveringandstrenuous,hisweresoft,deepanddelicate。Hewaitedafewmomentsinthekiss。Thenashadeofsadnesswentoverhissoul。
`Yourmouthissohard,'hesaid,infaintreproach。
`Andyoursissosoftandnice,'shesaidgladly。
`Butwhydoyoualwaysgripyourlips?'heasked,regretful。
`Nevermind,'shesaidswiftly。`Itismyway。'
Sheknewhelovedher;shewassureofhim。Yetshecouldnotletgoacertainholdoverherself,shecouldnotbearhimtoquestionher。Shegaveherselfupindelighttobeinglovedbyhim。Sheknewthat,inspiteofhisjoywhensheabandonedherself,hewasalittlebitsaddenedtoo。
Shecouldgiveherselfuptohisactivity。Butshecouldnotbeherself,shedarednotcomeforthquitenakedlytohisnakedness,abandoningalladjustment,lapsinginpurefaithwithhim。Sheabandonedherselftohim,orshetookholdofhimandgatheredherjoyofhim。Andsheenjoyedhimfully。Buttheywereneverquitetogether,atthesamemoment,onewasalwaysalittleleftout。Neverthelessshewasgladinhope,gloriousandfree,fulloflifeandliberty。Andhewasstillandsoftandpatient,forthetime。
Theymadetheirpreparationstoleavethenextday。FirsttheywenttoGudrun'sroom,wheresheandGeraldwerejustdressedreadyfortheeveningindoors。
`Prune,'saidUrsula,`Ithinkweshallgoawaytomorrow。Ican'tstandthesnowanymore。Ithurtsmyskinandmysoul。'
`Doesitreallyhurtyoursoul,Ursula?'askedGudrun,insomesurprise。
`Icanbelievequiteithurtsyourskin——itisterrible。ButI
thoughtitwasadmirableforthesoul。'
`No,notformine。Itjustinjuresit,'saidUrsula。
`Really!'criedGudrun。
Therewasasilenceintheroom。AndUrsulaandBirkincouldfeelthatGudrunandGeraldwererelievedbytheirgoing。
`Youwillgosouth?'saidGerald,alittleringofuneasinessinhisvoice。
`Yes,'saidBirkin,turningaway。Therewasaqueer,indefinablehostilitybetweenthetwomen,lately。Birkinwasonthewholedimandindifferent,driftingalonginadim,easyflow,unnoticingandpatient,sincehecameabroad,whilstGeraldontheotherhand,wasintenseandgrippedintowhitelight,agonistes。Thetwomenrevokedoneanother。
GeraldandGudrunwereverykindtothetwowhoweredeparting,solicitousfortheirwelfareasiftheyweretwochildren。GudruncametoUrsula'sbedroomwiththreepairsofthecolouredstockingsforwhichshewasnotorious,andshethrewthemonthebed。Butthesewerethicksilkstockings,vermilion,cornflowerblue,andgrey,boughtinParis。Thegreyoneswereknitted,seamlessandheavy。Ursulawasinraptures。SheknewGudrunmustbefeelingveryloving,togiveawaysuchtreasures。
`Ican'ttakethemfromyou,Prune,'shecried。`Ican'tpossiblydepriveyouofthem——thejewels。'
`Aren'ttheyjewels!'criedGudrun,eyeinghergiftswithanenviouseye。`Aren'ttheyreallambs!'
`Yes,youmustkeepthem,'saidUrsula。
`Idon'twantthem,I'vegotthreemorepairs。Iwantyoutokeepthem——Iwantyoutohavethem。They'reyours,there——'
Andwithtrembling,excitedhandssheputthecovetedstockingsunderUrsula'spillow。
`Onegetsthegreatestjoyofalloutofreallylovelystockings,'saidUrsula。
`Onedoes,'repliedGudrun;`thegreatestjoyofall。'
Andshesatdowninthechair。Itwasevidentshehadcomeforalasttalk。Ursula,notknowingwhatshewanted,waitedinsilence。
`Doyoufeel,Ursula,'Gudrunbegan,rathersceptically,thatyouaregoing—away—for—ever,never—to—return,sortofthing?'
`Oh,weshallcomeback,'saidUrsula。`Itisn'taquestionoftrain—journeys。'
`Yes,Iknow。Butspiritually,sotospeak,youaregoingawayfromusall?'
Ursulaquivered。
`Idon'tknowabitwhatisgoingtohappen,'shesaid。`Ionlyknowwearegoingsomewhere。'
Gudrunwaited。
`Andyouareglad?'sheasked。
Ursulameditatedforamoment。
`IbelieveIamveryglad,'shereplied。
ButGudrunreadtheunconsciousbrightnessonhersister'sface,ratherthantheuncertaintonesofherspeech。
`Butdon'tyouthinkyou'llwanttheoldconnectionwiththeworld——fatherandtherestofus,andallthatitmeans,Englandandtheworldofthought——don'tyouthinkyou'llneedthat,reallytomakeaworld?'
Ursulawassilent,tryingtoimagine。
`Ithink,'shesaidatlength,involuntarily,`thatRupertisright——onewantsanewspacetobein,andonefallsawayfromtheold。'
Gudrunwatchedhersisterwithimpassivefaceandsteadyeyes。
`Onewantsanewspacetobein,Iquiteagree,'shesaid。`ButIthinkthatanewworldisadevelopmentfromthisworld,andthattoisolateoneselfwithoneotherperson,isn'ttofindanewworldatall,butonlytosecureoneselfinone'sillusions。'
Ursulalookedoutofthewindow。Inhersoulshebegantowrestle,andshewasfrightened。Shewasalwaysfrightenedofwords,becausesheknewthatmereword—forcecouldalwaysmakeherbelievewhatshedidnotbelieve。
`Perhaps,'shesaid,fullofmistrust,ofherselfandeverybody。`But,'
sheadded,`Idothinkthatonecan'thaveanythingnewwhilstonecaresfortheold——doyouknowwhatImean?——evenfightingtheoldisbelongingtoit。Iknow,oneistemptedtostopwiththeworld,justtofightit。
Butthenitisn'tworthit。'
Gudrunconsideredherself。
`Yes,'shesaid。`Inaway,oneisoftheworldifonelivesinit。
Butisn'titreallyanillusiontothinkyoucangetoutofit?Afterall,acottageintheAbruzzi,orwhereveritmaybe,isn'tanewworld。No,theonlythingtodowiththeworld,istoseeitthrough。'
Ursulalookedaway。Shewassofrightenedofargument。
`Buttherecanbesomethingelse,can'tthere?'shesaid。`Onecanseeitthroughinone'ssoul,longenoughbeforeitseesitselfthroughinactuality。Andthen,whenonehasseenone'ssoul,oneissomethingelse。'
`Canoneseeitthroughinone'ssoul?'askedGudrun。`Ifyoumeanthatyoucanseetotheendofwhatwillhappen,Idon'tagree。I
reallycan'tagree。Andanyhow,youcan'tsuddenlyflyoffontoanewplanet,becauseyouthinkyoucanseetotheendofthis。'
Ursulasuddenlystraightenedherself。
`Yes,'shesaid。`Yes——oneknows。Onehasnomoreconnectionshere。
Onehasasortofotherself,thatbelongstoanewplanet,nottothis。
You'vegottohopoff。'
Gudrunreflectedforafewmoments。Thenasmileofridicule,almostofcontempt,cameoverherface。
`Andwhatwillhappenwhenyoufindyourselfinspace?'shecriedinderision。`Afterall,thegreatideasoftheworldarethesamethere。
Youaboveeverybodycan'tgetawayfromthefactthatlove,forinstance,isthesupremething,inspaceaswellasonearth。'
`No,'saidUrsula,`itisn't。Loveistoohumanandlittle。Ibelieveinsomethinginhuman,ofwhichloveisonlyalittlepart。Ibelievewhatwemustfulfilcomesoutoftheunknowntous,anditissomethinginfinitelymorethanlove。Itisn'tsomerelyhuman。'
GudrunlookedatUrsulawithsteady,balancingeyes。Sheadmiredanddespisedhersistersomuch,both!Then,suddenlysheavertedherface,sayingcoldly,uglily:
`Well,I'vegotnofurtherthanlove,yet。'
OverUrsula'smindflashedthethought:`Becauseyouneverhaveloved,youcan'tgetbeyondit。'
Gudrunrose,cameovertoUrsulaandputherarmroundherneck。
`Goandfindyournewworld,dear,'shesaid,hervoiceclangingwithfalsebenignity。`Afterall,thehappiestvoyageisthequestofRupert'sBlessedIsles。'
HerarmrestedroundUrsula'sneck,herfingersonUrsula'scheekforafewmoments。Ursulawassupremelyuncomfortablemeanwhile。TherewasaninsultinGudrun'sprotectivepatronagethatwasreallytoohurting。
Feelinghersister'sresistance,Gudrundrewawkwardlyaway,turnedoverthepillow,anddisclosedthestockingsagain。
`Ha——ha!'shelaughed,ratherhollowly。`Howwedotalkindeed——
newworldsandold——!'
Andtheypassedtothefamiliarworldlysubjects。
GeraldandBirkinhadwalkedonahead,waitingforthesledgetoovertakethem,conveyingthedepartingguests。
`Howmuchlongerwillyoustayhere?'askedBirkin,glancingupatGerald'sveryred,almostblankface。
`Oh,Ican'tsay,'Geraldreplied。`Tillwegettiredofit。'
`You'renotafraidofthesnowmeltingfirst?'askedBirkin。
Geraldlaughed。
`Doesitmelt?'hesaid。
`Thingsareallrightwithyouthen?'saidBirkin。
Geraldscreweduphiseyesalittle。
`Allright?'hesaid。`Ineverknowwhatthosecommonwordsmean。Allrightandallwrong,don'ttheybecomesynonymous,somewhere?'
`Yes,Isuppose。Howaboutgoingback?'askedBirkin。
`Oh,Idon'tknow。Wemaynevergetback。Idon'tlookbeforeandafter,'
saidGerald。
`Norpineforwhatisnot,'saidBirkin。
Geraldlookedintothedistance,withthesmall—pupilled,abstracteyesofahawk。
`No。There'ssomethingfinalaboutthis。AndGudrunseemsliketheend,tome。Idon'tknow——butsheseemssosoft,herskinlikesilk,herarmsheavyandsoft。Anditwithersmyconsciousness,somehow,itburnsthepithofmymind。'Hewentonafewpaces,staringahead,hiseyesfixed,lookinglikeamaskusedinghastlyreligionsofthebarbarians。`Itblastsyoursoul'seye,'hesaid,`andleavesyousightless。Yetyouwanttobesightless,youwanttobeblasted,youdon'twantitanydifferent。'
Hewasspeakingasifinatrance,verbalandblank。Thensuddenlyhebracedhimselfupwithakindofrhapsody,andlookedatBirkinwithvindictive,cowedeyes,saying:
`Doyouknowwhatitistosufferwhenyouarewithawoman?She'ssobeautiful,soperfect,youfindhersogood,ittearsyoulikeasilk,andeverystrokeandbitcutshot——ha,thatperfection,whenyoublastyourself,youblastyourself!Andthen——'hestoppedonthesnowandsuddenlyopenedhisclenchedhands——`it'snothing——yourbrainmighthavegonecharredasrags——and——'helookedroundintotheairwithaqueerhistrionicmovement`it'sblasting——youunderstandwhatImean——itisagreatexperience,somethingfinal——andthen——you'reshrivelledasifstruckbyelectricity。'Hewalkedoninsilence。Itseemedlikebragging,butlikeamaninextremitybraggingtruthfully。
第35章