Ifwewait，ifwebaulktheissue，wedobuthangaboutthegatesinundignifieduneasiness。Thereitis，infrontofus，asinfrontofSappho，theillimitablespace。Thereintogoesthejourney。Havewenotthecouragetogoonwithourjourney，mustwecry`Idaren't'？Onaheadwewillgo，intodeath，andwhateverdeathmaymean。Ifamancanseethenextsteptobetaken，whyshouldhefearthenextbutone？Whyaskaboutthenextbutone？Ofthenextstepwearecertain。Itisthestepintodeath。
　　`Ishalldie——Ishallquicklydie，'saidUrsulatoherself，clearasifinatrance，clear，calm，andcertainbeyondhumancertainty。Butsomewherebehind，inthetwilight，therewasabitterweepingandahopelessness。
　　Thatmustnotbeattendedto。Onemustgowheretheunfalteringspiritgoes，theremustbenobaulkingtheissue，becauseoffear。Nobaulkingtheissue，nolisteningtothelesservoices。Ifthedeepestdesirebenow，togoonintotheunknownofdeath，shalloneforfeitthedeepesttruthforonemoreshallow？
　　`Thenletitend，'shesaidtoherself。Itwasadecision。Itwasnotaquestionoftakingone'slife——shewouldneverkillherself，thatwasrepulsiveandviolent。Itwasaquestionofknowingthenextstep。Andthenextstepledintothespaceofdeath。Didit？——orwasthere——？
　　Herthoughtsdriftedintounconsciousness，shesatasifasleepbesidethefire。Andthenthethoughtcameback。Thespaceo'death！Couldshegiveherselftoit？Ahyes——itwasasleep。ShehadhadenoughSolongshehadheldout;andresisted。Nowwasthetimetorelinquish，nottoresistanymore。
　　Inakindofspiritualtrance，sheyielded，shegaveway，andallwasdark。Shecouldfeel，withinthedarkness，theterribleassertionofherbody，theunutterableanguishofdissolution，theonlyanguishthatistoomuch，thefar—off，awfulnauseaofdissolutionsetinwithinthebody。
　　`Doesthebodycorrespondsoimmediatelywiththespirit？'sheaskedherself。Andsheknew，withtheclarityofultimateknowledge，thatthebodyisonlyoneofthemanifestationsofthespirit，thetransmutationoftheintegralspiritisthetransmutationofthephysicalbodyaswell。
　　UnlessIsetmywill，unlessIabsolvemyselffromtherhythmoflife，fixmyselfandremainstatic，cutofffromliving，absolvedwithinmyownwill。Butbetterdiethanlivemechanicallyalifethatisarepetitionofrepetitions。Todieistomoveonwiththeinvisible。Todieisalsoajoy，ajoyofsubmittingtothatwhichisgreaterthantheknown，namely，thepureunknown。Thatisajoy。Buttolivemechanisedandcutoffwithinthemotionofthewill，toliveasanentityabsolvedfromtheunknown，thatisshamefulandignominious。Thereisnoignominyindeath。Thereiscompleteignominyinanunreplenished，mechanisedlife。Lifeindeedmaybeignominious，shamefultothesoul。Butdeathisneverashame。Deathitself，liketheillimitablespace，isbeyondoursullying。
　　TomorrowwasMonday。Monday，thebeginningofanotherschool—week！Anothershameful，barrenschool—week，mereroutineandmechanicalactivity。Wasnottheadventureofdeathinfinitelypreferable？Wasnotdeathinfinitelymorelovelyandnoblethansuchalife？Alifeofbarrenroutine，withoutinnermeaning，withoutanyrealsignificance。Howsordidlifewas，howitwasaterribleshametothesoul，tolivenow！Howmuchcleanerandmoredignifiedtobedead！Onecouldnotbearanymoreofthisshameofsordidroutineandmechanicalnullity。Onemightcometofruitindeath。
　　Shehadhadenough。Forwherewaslifetobefound？Noflowersgrowuponbusymachinery，thereisnoskytoaroutine，thereisnospacetoarotarymotion。Andalllifewasarotarymotion，mechanised，cutofffromreality。
　　Therewasnothingtolookforfromlife——itwasthesameinallcountriesandallpeoples。Theonlywindowwasdeath。Onecouldlookoutontothegreatdarkskyofdeathwithelation，asonehadlookedoutoftheclassroomwindowasachild，andseenperfectfreedomintheoutside。Nowonewasnotachild，andoneknewthatthesoulwasaprisonerwithinthissordidvastedificeoflife，andtherewasnoescape，saveindeath。
　　Butwhatajoy！Whatagladnesstothinkthatwhateverhumanitydid，itcouldnotseizeholdofthekingdomofdeath，tonullifythat。Theseatheyturnedintoamurderousalleyandasoiledroadofcommerce，disputedlikethedirtylandofacityeveryinchofit。Theairtheyclaimedtoo，shareditup，parcelleditouttocertainowners，theytrespassedintheairtofightforit。Everythingwasgone，walledin，withspikesontopofthewalls，andonemustignominiouslycreepbetweenthespikywallsthroughalabyrinthoflife。
　　Butthegreat，dark，illimitablekingdomofdeath，therehumanitywasputtoscorn。Somuchtheycoulddouponearth，themultifariouslittlegodsthattheywere。Butthekingdomofdeathputthemalltoscorn，theydwindledintotheirtruevulgarsillinessinfaceofit。
　　Howbeautiful，howgrandandperfectdeathwas，howgoodtolookforwardto。Thereonewouldwashoffalltheliesandignominyanddirtthathadbeenputupononehere，aperfectbathofcleannessandgladrefreshment，andgounknown，unquestioned，unabased。Afterall，onewasrich，ifonlyinthepromiseofperfectdeath。Itwasagladnessaboveall，thatthisremainedtolookforwardto，thepureinhumanothernessofdeath。
　　Whateverlifemightbe，itcouldnottakeawaydeath，theinhumantranscendentdeath。Oh，letusasknoquestionofit，whatitisorisnot。Toknowishuman，andindeathwedonotknow，wearenothuman。Andthejoyofthiscompensatesforallthebitternessofknowledgeandthesordidnessofourhumanity。Indeathweshallnotbehuman，andweshallnotknow。
　　Thepromiseofthisisourheritage，welookforwardlikeheirstotheirmajority。
　　Ursulasatquitestillandquiteforgotten，alonebythefireinthedrawing—room。Thechildrenwereplayinginthekitchen，alltheothersweregonetochurch。Andshewasgoneintotheultimatedarknessofherownsoul。
　　Shewasstartledbyhearingthebellring，awayinthekitchen，thechildrencamescuddingalongthepassageindeliciousalarm。
　　`Ursula，there'ssomebody。'
　　`Iknow。Don'tbesilly，'shereplied。Shetoowasstartled，almostfrightened。Shedaredhardlygotothedoor。
　　Birkinstoodonthethreshold，hisrain—coatturneduptohisears。
　　Hehadcomenow，nowshewasgonefaraway。Shewasawareoftherainynightbehindhim。
　　`Ohisityou？'shesaid。
　　`Iamgladyouareathome，'hesaidinalowvoice，enteringthehouse。
　　`Theyareallgonetochurch。'
　　Hetookoffhiscoatandhungitup。Thechildrenwerepeepingathimroundthecorner。
　　`Goandgetundressednow，BillyandDora，'saidUrsula。`Motherwillbebacksoon，andshe'llbedisappointedifyou'renotinbed。'
　　Thechildren，inasuddenangelicmood，retiredwithoutaword。BirkinandUrsulawentintothedrawing—room。
　　Thefireburnedlow。Helookedatherandwonderedattheluminousdelicacyofherbeauty，andthewideshiningofhereyes。Hewatchedfromadistance，withwonderinhisheart，sheseemedtransfiguredwithlight。
　　`Whathaveyoubeendoingallday？'heaskedher。
　　`Onlysittingabout，'shesaid。
　　Helookedather。Therewasachangeinher。Butshewasseparatefromhim。Sheremainedapart，inakindofbrightness。Theybothsatsilentinthesoftlightofthelamp。Hefeltheoughttogoawayagain，heoughtnottohavecome。Stillhedidnotgatherenoughresolutiontomove。Buthewasdetrop，hermoodwasabsentandseparate。
　　Thentherecamethevoicesofthetwochildrencallingshylyoutsidethedoor，softly，withself—excitedtimidity:
　　`Ursula！Ursula！'
　　Sheroseandopenedthedoor。Onthethresholdstoodthetwochildrenintheirlongnightgowns，withwide—eyed，angelicfaces。Theywerebeingverygoodforthemoment，playingtheroleperfectlyoftwoobedientchildren。
　　`Shallyoutakeustobed！'saidBilly，inaloudwhisper。
　　`Whyyouareangelstonight，'shesaidsoftly。`Won'tyoucomeandsaygood—nighttoMrBirkin？'
　　Thechildrenmergedshylyintotheroom，onbarefeet。Billy'sfacewaswideandgrinning，buttherewasagreatsolemnityofbeinggoodinhisroundblueeyes。Dora，peepingfromtheflossofherfairhair，hungbacklikesometinyDryad，thathasnosoul。
　　`Willyousaygood—nighttome？'askedBirkin，inavoicethatwasstrangelysoftandsmooth。Doradriftedawayatonce，likealeafliftedonabreathofwind。ButBillywentsoftlyforward，slowandwilling，liftinghispinched—upmouthimplicitlytobekissed。Ursulawatchedthefull，gatheredlipsofthemangentlytouchthoseoftheboy，sogently。ThenBirkinliftedhisfingersandtouchedtheboy'sround，confidingcheek，withafainttouchoflove。Neitherspoke。Billyseemedangeliclikeacherubboy，orlikeanacolyte，Birkinwasatall，graveangellookingdowntohim。
　　`Areyougoingtobekissed？'Ursulabrokein，speakingtothelittlegirl。ButDoraedgedawaylikeatinyDryadthatwillnotbetouched。
　　`Won'tyousaygood—nighttoMrBirkin？Go，he'swaitingforyou，'saidUrsula。Butthegirl—childonlymadealittlemotionawayfromhim。
　　`SillyDora，sillyDora！'saidUrsula。
　　Birkinfeltsomemistrustandantagonisminthesmallchild。Hecouldnotunderstandit。
　　`Comethen，'saidUrsula。`Letusgobeforemothercomes。'
　　`Who'llhearussayourprayers？'askedBillyanxiously。
　　`Whomyoulike。'
　　`Won'tyou？'
　　`Yes，Iwill。'
　　`Ursula？'
　　`WellBilly？'
　　`Isitwhomyoulike？'
　　`That'sit。'
　　`Wellwhatiswhom？'
　　`It'stheaccusativeofwho。'
　　Therewasamoment'scontemplativesilence，thentheconfiding:
　　`Isit？'
　　Birkinsmiledtohimselfashesatbythefire。WhenUrsulacamedownhesatmotionless，withhisarmsonhisknees。Shesawhim，howhewasmotionlessandageless，likesomecrouchingidol，someimageofadeathlyreligion。Helookedroundather，andhisface，verypaleandunreal，seemedtogleamwithawhitenessalmostphosphorescent。
　　`Don'tyoufeelwell？'sheasked，inindefinablerepulsion。
　　`Ihadn'tthoughtaboutit。'
　　`Butdon'tyouknowwithoutthinkingaboutit？'
　　Helookedather，hiseyesdarkandswift，andhesawherrevulsion。
　　Hedidnotanswerherquestion。
　　`Don'tyouknowwhetheryouareunwellornot，withoutthinkingaboutit？'shepersisted。
　　`Notalways，'hesaidcoldly。
　　`Butdon'tyouthinkthat'sverywicked？'
　　`Wicked？'
　　`Yes。Ithinkit'scriminaltohavesolittleconnectionwithyourownbodythatyoudon'tevenknowwhenyouareill。'
　　Helookedatherdarkly。
　　`Yes，'hesaid。
　　`Whydon'tyoustayinbedwhenyouareseedy？Youlookperfectlyghastly。'
　　`Offensivelyso？'heaskedironically。
　　`Yes，quiteoffensive。Quiterepelling。'
　　`Ah！！Wellthat'sunfortunate。'
　　`Andit'sraining，andit'sahorriblenight。Really，youshouldn'tbeforgivenfortreatingyourbodylikeit——yououghttosuffer，amanwhotakesaslittlenoticeofhisbodyasthat。'
　　`——takesaslittlenoticeofhisbodyasthat，'heechoedmechanically。
　　Thiscuthershort，andtherewassilence。
　　Theotherscameinfromchurch，andthetwohadthegirlstoface，thenthemotherandGudrun，andthenthefatherandtheboy。
　　`Good—evening，'saidBrangwen，faintlysurprised。`Cametoseeme，didyou？'
　　`No，'saidBirkin，`notaboutanything，inparticular，thatis。Thedaywasdismal，andIthoughtyouwouldn'tmindifIcalledin。'
　　`Ithasbeenadepressingday，'saidMrsBrangwensympathetically。
　　Atthatmomentthevoicesofthechildrenwereheardcallingfromupstairs:
　　`Mother！Mother！'Sheliftedherfaceandansweredmildlyintothedistance:
　　`Ishallcomeuptoyouinaminute，Doysie。'ThentoBirkin:`ThereisnothingfreshatShortlands，Isuppose？Ah，'shesighed，`no，poorthings，Ishouldthinknot。'
　　`You'vebeenovertheretoday，Isuppose？'askedthefather。
　　`Geraldcameroundtoteawithme，andIwalkedbackwithhim。Thehouseisoverexcitedandunwholesome，Ithought。'
　　`Ishouldthinktheywerepeoplewhohadn'tmuchrestraint，'saidGudrun。
　　`Ortoomuch，'Birkinanswered。
　　`Ohyes，I'msure，'saidGudrun，almostvindictively，`oneortheother。'
　　`Theyallfeeltheyoughttobehaveinsomeunnaturalfashion，'saidBirkin。`Whenpeopleareingrief，theywoulddobettertocovertheirfacesandkeepinretirement，asintheolddays。'
　　`Certainly！'criedGudrun，flushedandinflammable。`Whatcanbeworsethanthispublicgrief——whatismorehorrible，morefalse！Ifgriefisnotprivate，andhidden，whatis？'
　　`Exactly，'hesaid。`IfeltashamedwhenIwasthereandtheywereallgoingaboutinalugubriousfalseway，feelingtheymustnotbenaturalorordinary。'
　　`Well——'saidMrsBrangwen，offendedatthiscriticism，`itisn'tsoeasytobearatroublelikethat。'
　　Andshewentupstairstothechildren。
　　Heremainedonlyafewminuteslonger，thentookhisleave。WhenhewasgoneUrsulafeltsuchapoignanthatredofhim，thatallherbrainseemedturnedintoasharpcrystaloffinehatred。Herwholenatureseemedsharpenedandintensifiedintoapuredartofhate。Shecouldnotimaginewhatitwas。Itmerelytookholdofher，themostpoignantandultimatehatred，pureandclearandbeyondthought。Shecouldnotthinkofitatall，shewastranslatedbeyondherself。Itwaslikeapossession。Shefeltshewaspossessed。Andforseveraldaysshewentaboutpossessedbythisexquisiteforceofhatredagainsthim。Itsurpassedanythingshehadeverknownbefore，itseemedtothrowheroutoftheworldintosometerribleregionwherenothingofheroldlifeheldgood。Shewasquitelostanddazed，reallydeadtoherownlife。
　　Itwassocompletelyincomprehensibleandirrational。Shedidnotknowwhyshehatedhim，herhatewasquiteabstract。Shehadonlyrealisedwithashockthatstunnedher，thatshewasovercomebythispuretransportation。
　　Hewastheenemy，fineasadiamond，andashardandjewel—like，thequintessenceofallthatwasinimical。
　　Shethoughtofhisface，whiteandpurelywrought，andofhiseyesthathadsuchadark，constantwillofassertion，andshetouchedherownforehead，tofeelifsheweremad，shewassotransfiguredinwhiteflameofessentialhate。
　　Itwasnottemporal，herhatred，shedidnothatehimforthisorforthat;shedidnotwanttodoanythingtohim，tohaveanyconnectionwithhim。Herrelationwasultimateandutterlybeyondwords，thehatewassopureandgemlike。Itwasasifhewereabeamofessentialenmity，abeamoflightthatdidnotonlydestroyher，butdeniedheraltogether，revokedherwholeworld。Shesawhimasaclearstrokeofuttermostcontradiction，astrangegem—likebeingwhoseexistencedefinedherownnon—existence。
　　Whensheheardhewasillagain，herhatredonlyintensifieditselfafewdegrees，ifthatwerepossible。Itstunnedherandannihilatedher，butshecouldnotescapeit。Shecouldnotescapethistransfigurationofhatredthathadcomeuponher。
　　WomenInLove:Chapter16CHAPTERXVIMantoManHELAYsickandunmoved，inpureoppositiontoeverything。Heknewhowneartobreakingwasthevesselthatheldhislife。
　　Heknewalsohowstronganddurableitwas。Andhedidnotcare。Betterathousandtimestakeone'schancewithdeath，thanacceptalifeonedidnotwant。Butbestofalltopersistandpersistandpersistforever，tilloneweresatisfiedinlife。
　　HeknewthatUrsulawasreferredbacktohim。Heknewhisliferestedwithher。Buthewouldrathernotlivethanacceptthelovesheproffered。
　　Theoldwayofloveseemedadreadfulbondage，asortofconscription。
　　Whatitwasinhimhedidnotknow，butthethoughtoflove，marriage，andchildren，andalifelivedtogether，inthehorribleprivacyofdomesticandconnubialsatisfaction，wasrepulsive。Hewantedsomethingclearer，moreopen，cooler，asitwere。Thehotnarrowintimacybetweenmanandwifewasabhorrent。Thewaytheyshuttheirdoors，thesemarriedpeople，andshutthemselvesintotheirownexclusivealliancewitheachother，eveninlove，disgustedhim。Itwasawholecommunityofmistrustfulcouplesinsulatedinprivatehousesorprivaterooms，alwaysincouples，andnofurtherlife，nofurtherimmediate，nodisinterestedrelationshipadmitted:
　　akaleidoscopeofcouples，disjoined，separatist，meaninglessentitiesofmarriedcouples。True，hehatedpromiscuityevenworsethanmarriage，andaliaisonwasonlyanotherkindofcoupling，reactionaryfromthelegalmarriage。Reactionwasagreaterborethanaction。
　　Onthewhole，hehatedsex，itwassuchalimitation。Itwassexthatturnedamanintoabrokenhalfofacouple，thewomanintotheotherbrokenhalf。Andhewantedtobesingleinhimself，thewomansingleinherself。
　　Hewantedsextoreverttotheleveloftheotherappetites，toberegardedasafunctionalprocess，notasafulfilment。Hebelievedinsexmarriage。
　　Butbeyondthis，hewantedafurtherconjunction，wheremanhadbeingandwomanhadbeing，twopurebeings，eachconstitutingthefreedomoftheother，balancingeachotherliketwopolesofoneforce，liketwoangels，ortwodemons。
　　Hewantedsomuchtobefree，notunderthecompulsionofanyneedforunification，ortorturedbyunsatisfieddesire。Desireandaspirationshouldfindtheirobjectwithoutallthistorture，asnow，inaworldofplentyofwater，simplethirstisinconsiderable，satisfiedalmostunconsciously。
　　AndhewantedtobewithUrsulaasfreeaswithhimself，singleandclearandcool，yetbalanced，polarisedwithher。Themerging，theclutching，theminglingoflovewasbecomemadlyabhorrenttohim。
　　Butitseemedtohim，womanwasalwayssohorribleandclutching，shehadsuchalustforpossession，agreedofself—importanceinlove。Shewantedtohave，toown，tocontrol，tobedominant。Everythingmustbereferredbacktoher，toWoman，theGreatMotherofeverything，outofwhomproceededeverythingandtowhomeverythingmustfinallyberenderedup。
　　Itfilledhimwithalmostinsanefury，thiscalmassumptionoftheMagnaMater，thatallwashers，becauseshehadborneit。Manwashersbecauseshehadbornehim。AMaterDolorosa，shehadbornehim，aMagnaMater，shenowclaimedhimagain，soulandbody，sex，meaning，andall。HehadahorroroftheMagnaMater，shewasdetestable。
　　Shewasonaveryhighhorseagain，waswoman，theGreatMother。DidhenotknowitinHermione。Hermione，thehumble，thesubservient，whatwassheallthewhilebuttheMaterDolorosa，inhersubservience，claimingwithhorrible，insidiousarroganceandfemaletyranny，herownagain，claimingbackthemanshehadborneinsuffering。Byherverysufferingandhumilitysheboundhersonwithchains，sheheldhimhereverlastingprisoner。
　　AndUrsula，Ursulawasthesame——ortheinverse。Shetoowastheawful，arrogantqueenoflife，asifshewereaqueenbeeonwhomalltherestdepended。Hesawtheyellowflareinhereyes，heknewtheunthinkableoverweeningassumptionofprimacyinher。Shewasunconsciousofitherself。
　　Shewasonlytooreadytoknockherheadonthegroundbeforeaman。Butthiswasonlywhenshewassocertainofherman，thatshecouldworshiphimasawomanworshipsherowninfant，withaworshipofperfectpossession。
　　Itwasintolerable，thispossessionatthehandsofwoman。Alwaysamanmustbeconsideredasthebrokenofffragmentofawoman，andthesexwasthestillachingscarofthelaceration。Manmustbeaddedontoawoman，beforehehadanyrealplaceorwholeness。
　　Andwhy？Whyshouldweconsiderourselves，menandwomen，asbrokenfragmentsofonewhole？Itisnottrue。Wearenotbrokenfragmentsofonewhole。Ratherwearethesinglingawayintopurityandclearbeing，ofthingsthatweremixed。Ratherthesexisthatwhichremainsinusofthemixed，theunresolved。Andpassionisthefurtherseparatingofthismixture，thatwhichismanlybeingtakenintothebeingoftheman，thatwhichiswomanlypassingtothewoman，tillthetwoareclearandwholeasangels，theadmixtureofsexinthehighestsensesurpassed，leavingtwosinglebeingsconstellatedtogetherliketwostars。
　　Intheoldage，beforesexwas，weweremixed，eachoneamixture。Theprocessofsinglingintoindividualityresultedintothegreatpolarisationofsex。Thewomanlydrewtooneside，themanlytotheother。Buttheseparationwasimperfecteventhem。Andsoourworld—cyclepasses。Thereisnowtocomethenewday，whenwearebeingseachofus，fulfilledindifference。
　　Themanispureman，thewomanpurewoman，theyareperfectlypolarised。
　　Butthereisnolongeranyofthehorriblemerging，minglingself—abnegationoflove。Thereisonlythepuredualityofpolarisation，eachonefreefromanycontaminationoftheother。Ineach，theindividualisprimal，sexissubordinate，butperfectlypolarised。Eachhasasingle，separatebeing，withitsownlaws。Themanhashispurefreedom，thewomanhers。
　　Eachacknowledgestheperfectionofthepolarisedsex—circuit。Eachadmitsthedifferentnatureintheother。
　　SoBirkinmeditatedwhilsthewasill。Helikedsometimestobeillenoughtotaketohisbed。Forthenhegotbetterveryquickly，andthingscametohimclearandsure。
　　Whilsthewaslaidup，Geraldcametoseehim。Thetwomenhadadeep，uneasyfeelingforeachother。Gerald'seyeswerequickandrestless，hiswholemannertenseandimpatient，heseemedstrunguptosomeactivity。
　　Accordingtoconventionality，heworeblackclothes，helookedformal，handsomeandcommeilfaut。Hishairwasfairalmosttowhiteness，sharplikesplintersoflight，hisfacewaskeenandruddy，hisbodyseemedfullofnorthernenergy。GeraldreallylovedBirkin，thoughheneverquitebelievedinhim。Birkinwastoounreal;——clever，whimsical，wonderful，butnotpracticalenough。Geraldfeltthathisownunderstandingwasmuchsounderandsafer。Birkinwasdelightful，awonderfulspirit，butafterall，nottobetakenseriously，notquitetobecountedasamanamongmen。
　　`Whyareyoulaidupagain？'heaskedkindly，takingthesickman'shand。ItwasalwaysGeraldwhowasprotective，offeringthewarmshelterofhisphysicalstrength。
　　`Formysins，Isuppose，'Birkinsaid，smilingalittleironically。
　　`Foryoursins？Yes，probablythatisso。Youshouldsinless，andkeepbetterinhealth？'
　　`You'dbetterteachme。'
　　HelookedatGeraldwithironiceyes。
　　`Howarethingswithyou？'askedBirkin。
　　`Withme？'GeraldlookedatBirkin，sawhewasserious，andawarmlightcameintohiseyes。
　　`Idon'tknowthatthey'reanydifferent。Idon'tseehowtheycouldbe。There'snothingtochange。'
　　`Isupposeyouareconductingthebusinessassuccessfullyasever，andignoringthedemandofthesoul。'
　　`That'sit，'saidGerald。`Atleastasfarasthebusinessisconcerned。
　　Icouldn'tsayaboutthesoul，I'amsure。'
　　`No。'
　　`Surelyyoudon'texpectmeto？'laughedGerald。
　　`No。Howaretherestofyouraffairsprogressing，apartfromthebusiness？'
　　`Therestofmyaffairs？Whatarethose？Icouldn'tsay;Idon'tknowwhatyoureferto。'
　　`Yes，youdo，'saidBirkin。`Areyougloomyorcheerful？AndwhataboutGudrunBrangwen？'
　　`Whatabouther？'AconfusedlookcameoverGerald。`Well，'headded，`Idon'tknow。IcanonlytellyoushegavemeahitoverthefacelasttimeIsawher。'
　　`Ahitovertheface！Whatfor？'
　　`ThatIcouldn'ttellyou，either。'
　　`Really！Butwhen？'
　　`Thenightoftheparty——whenDianawasdrowned。Shewasdrivingthecattleupthehill，andIwentafterher——youremember。'
　　`Yes，Iremember。Butwhatmadeherdothat？Youdidn'tdefinitelyaskherforit，Isuppose？'
　　`I？No，notthatIknowof。Imerelysaidtoher，thatitwasdangeroustodrivethoseHighlandbullocks——asitis。Sheturnedinsuchaway，andsaid——"IsupposeyouthinkI'mafraidofyouandyourcattle，don'tyou？"SoIaskedher"why，"andforanswersheflungmeaback—handeracrosstheface。'
　　Birkinlaughedquickly，asifitpleasedhim。Geraldlookedathim，wondering，andbegantolaughaswell，saying:
　　`Ididn'tlaughatthetime，Iassureyou。Iwasneversotakenabackinmylife。'
　　`Andweren'tyoufurious？'
　　`Furious？IshouldthinkIwas。I'dhavemurderedherfortwopins。'
　　`H'm！'ejaculatedBirkin。`PoorGudrun，wouldn'tshesufferafterwardsforhavinggivenherselfaway！'Hewashugelydelighted。
　　`Wouldshesuffer？'askedGerald，alsoamusednow。
　　Bothmensmiledinmaliceandamusement。
　　`Badly，Ishouldthink;seeinghowself—conscioussheis。'
　　`Sheisself—conscious，isshe？Thenwhatmadeherdoit？ForIcertainlythinkitwasquiteuncalled—for，andquiteunjustified。'
　　`Isupposeitwasasuddenimpulse。'
　　`Yes，buthowdoyouaccountforherhavingsuchanimpulse？I'ddonehernoharm。'
　　Birkinshookhishead。
　　`TheAmazonsuddenlycameupinher，Isuppose，'hesaid。
　　`Well，'repliedGerald，`I'dratherithadbeentheOrinoco。'
　　Theybothlaughedatthepoorjoke。GeraldwasthinkinghowGudrunhadsaidshewouldstrikethelastblowtoo。ButsomereservemadehimkeepthisbackfromBirkin。
　　`Andyouresentit？'Birkinasked。
　　`Idon'tresentit。Idon'tcareatinker'scurseaboutit。'Hewassilentamoment，thenheadded，laughing。`No，I'llseeitthrough，that'sall。Sheseemedsorryafterwards。'
　　`Didshe？You'venotmetsincethatnight？'
　　Gerald'sfaceclouded。
　　`No，'hesaid。`We'vebeen——youcanimaginehowit'sbeen，sincetheaccident。'
　　`Yes。Isitcalmingdown？'
　　`Idon'tknow。It'sashock，ofcourse。ButIdon'tbelievemotherminds。
　　Ireallydon'tbelieveshetakesanynotice。Andwhat'ssofunny，sheusedtobeallforthechildren——nothingmattered，nothingwhatevermatteredbutthechildren。Andnow，shedoesn'ttakeanymorenoticethanifitwasoneoftheservants。'
　　`No？Diditupsetyouverymuch？'
　　`It'sashock。ButIdon'tfeelitverymuch，really。Idon'tfeelanydifferent。We'veallgottodie，anditdoesn'tseemtomakeanygreatdifference，anyhow，whetheryoudieornot。Ican'tfeelanygriefyouknow。Itleavesmecold。Ican'tquiteaccountforit。'
　　`Youdon'tcareifyoudieornot？'askedBirkin。
　　Geraldlookedathimwitheyesblueastheblue—fibredsteelofaweapon。
　　Hefeltawkward，butindifferent。Asamatteroffact，hedidcareterribly，withagreatfear。
　　`Oh，'hesaid，`Idon'twanttodie，whyshouldI？ButInevertrouble。
　　Thequestiondoesn'tseemtobeonthecarpetformeatall。Itdoesn'tinterestme，youknow。'
　　`Timormortisconturbatme，'quotedBirkin，adding——`No，deathdoesn'treallyseemthepointanymore。Itcuriouslydoesn'tconcernone。
　　It'slikeanordinarytomorrow。'
　　Geraldlookedcloselyathisfriend。Theeyesofthetwomenmet，andanunspokenunderstandingwasexchanged。
　　Geraldnarrowedhiseyes，hisfacewascoolandunscrupulousashelookedatBirkin，impersonally，withavisionthatendedinapointinspace，strangelykeen—eyedandyetblind。
　　`Ifdeathisn'tthepoint，'hesaid，inastrangelyabstract，cold，finevoice——`whatis？'Hesoundedasifhehadbeenfoundout。
　　`Whatis？'re—echoedBirkin。Andtherewasamockingsilence。
　　`There'slongwaytogo，afterthepointofintrinsicdeath，beforewedisappear，'saidBirkin。
　　`Thereis，'saidGerald。`Butwhatsortofway？'HeseemedtopresstheothermanforknowledgewhichhehimselfknewfarbetterthanBirkindid。
　　`Rightdowntheslopesofdegeneration——mystic，universaldegeneration。
　　Therearemanystagesofpuredegradationtogothrough:agelong。Weliveonlongafterourdeath，andprogressively，inprogressivedevolution。'
　　Geraldlistenedwithafaint，finesmileonhisface，allthetime，asif，somewhere，heknewsomuchbetterthanBirkin，allaboutthis:asifhisownknowledgeweredirectandpersonal，whereasBirkin'swasamatterofobservationandinference，notquitehittingthenailonthehead:——
　　thoughaimingnearenoughatit。Buthewasnotgoingtogivehimselfaway。
　　IfBirkincouldgetatthesecrets，lethim。Geraldwouldneverhelphim。
　　Geraldwouldbeadarkhorsetotheend。
　　`Ofcourse，'hesaid，withastartlingchangeofconversation，`itisfatherwhoreallyfeelsit。Itwillfinishhim。Forhimtheworldcollapses。
　　AllhiscarenowisforWinnie——hemustsaveWinnie。Hesayssheoughttobesentawaytoschool，butshewon'thearofit，andhe'llneverdoit。Ofcoursesheisinratheraqueerway。We'reallofuscuriouslybadatliving。Wecandothings——butwecan'tgetonwithlifeatall。
　　It'scurious——afamilyfailing。'
　　`Sheoughtn'ttobesentawaytoschool，'saidBirkin，whowasconsideringanewproposition。
　　`Sheoughtn't。Why？'
　　`She'saqueerchild——aspecialchild，morespecialeventhanyou。
　　Andinmyopinionspecialchildrenshouldneverbesentawaytoschool。
　　Onlymoderatelyordinarychildrenshouldbesenttoschool——soitseemstome。'
　　`I'minclinedtothinkjusttheopposite。Ithinkitwouldprobablymakehermorenormalifshewentawayandmixedwithotherchildren。'
　　`Shewouldn'tmix，yousee。Youneverreallymixed，didyou？
　　Andshewouldn'tbewillingeventopretendto。She'sproud，andsolitary，andnaturallyapart。Ifshehasasinglenature，whydoyouwanttomakehergregarious？'
　　`No，Idon'twanttomakeheranything。ButIthinkschoolwouldbegoodforher。'