Aboutthetimeyoufindyourselfembarkingonacareerofteasandweddingsyoualsobegintofindyourselfworryingabouttheappearanceofyourhands。Upuntilnowthehandshavegivenyounogreatconcernonewayortheother，butsomedayyouwaketotherealizationthatyouneedtobemanicured。Onceyoucatchthatdiseasethereisnohopeforyou。Therearewaysofcuringyouofalmostanyhabitexceptmanicuring。Yougetsothatyouaren'tsatisfiedunlessyournailsrundownaboutaquarterofaninchfurtherthannailswereoriginallyintendedtorun，andunlesstheyglitterfreelyyoufeelstrangelydistraughtincompany。
　　Inasmuchasnomalecreature'sfingernailswillglitterwiththedesireddegreeofbrilliancyformorethantwenty—fourshortandfleetinghoursafteratreatmentyoufindyourselfconstantlyintheactofeitherjustgettingamanicureorjustgettingoverone。
　　Itisanexpensivehabit，too;ittakestimeandittakesmoney。
　　There'sthefixedchargeformanicuringinthefirstplaceandthenthere'sthetip。Oncetherewasamanicureladywhowouldn'ttakeatip，butsheisnownomore。Herindignantsistersstabbedhertodeathwithhatpinsandnail—files。Manicuringasapublicprofessionisacomparativelyrecentdevelopmentofourcivilization。Thefathersoftherepublicandthefoundersoftheconstitution，whichwasfoundedfirstandhasbeenfounderingeversinceifyoucanbelievewhatalotofpeopleinCongresssay——theyknewnothingofmanicuring。Speakingbyandlarge，theyonlygottheirthumbswetwhendoingoneofthreethings——takingabath，goinginswimmingorturningapageinabook。WashingtonprobablywasnevermanicurednorJeffersonnorFranklin;it'sacinchthatDanielBooneandIsraelPutnamandGeorgeRogersClarkweren'tandyetitisgenerallyconcededthattheygotalongfairlywellwithoutit。Butasthecampaignoratorsareforeverpointingoutfromthehustlersandtheforum，thisisanagecallingforchangeandadvancement。Andmanicuringisoneoftheadvancementsthatlikewisecallsforthechange——forfiftycentsinchangeanyhowandmoreifyouareinclinedtobegenerouswiththetip。
　　Shallyoueverforgetyourfirstmanicure？Theshan'tsareunanimouslyinthemajority。Itseemsaneasythingtowalkintoamanicureparlororabarbershopandshoveyourhandsacrossalittletabletoastrangeyoungwomanandtellhertogoaheadandshine'emupabit——thewayyouhearoldveteranmanicureessayingit。Itseemseasy，Isay，andlookseasy;butitisn'taseasyasitseems。Untilyougethardened，itrequirescourageofaveryhighorder。You，theabashednovice，seeothermensittinginthefrontwindowofthemanicureshopjustasdebonairandcozyasthoughthey'dbeenbornandraisedthere，swappingthereadyreparteeofthedaywithdashingcreaturesofafrequentlyblondeaspect，andyouimaginetheyhavealwaysdoneso。Youlittleknowthatthesepersonswhoarenowappearingsomuchathomeandwhocansnapoutthosebright，wittythingslike"IgotcherSteve，"
　　and"Well，seewho'shere？"withoutamoment'shesitationandwithouthavingtostopandthinkfortherightwordortherightphrasebuthaveitrightthereonthetipofthetongue——youlittlereckthattheytoopassedthroughthesameinitiationwhichyounowcontemplate。Yetsuchisthecase。
　　Youhavedressrehearsals——privateones——inyourroom。Intheseclusionofyourbedchamberyoupictureyourselfopeningthedoorofthemarblemanicurehallandsteppinginwithabriskyetgracefultread——likeJamesK。Hackettmakinganentranceinthefirstact——andglancingaboutyoucasually——likeJohnDrewcountingupthehouse——andsaying"Hellogirlies，how'reallthelittleHeart'sDelightsthisafternoon？"justlikethat，andpickingoutthemostsumptuousandattractiveoftheflatteredyoungladiesinwaiting;andsinkingeasilyintothechairoppositeher——seephotosofWilliamFavershamandthrowingthecoatlapelsback，atthesametimerestingthelefthandclenchedupontheupperthighwiththeelbowwellout——DonaldBrianaskingaladytowaltz——andofferingtherighthandtothefavoredfemaleandtellinghertogoasfarasshelikeswithit。Itsoundssimplewhenyoufiguringitoutalone，butitrarelyworksoutthatwayinpractice。ItismybeliefthateverywomanlongsforthenoveltyofaTurkishbathandeverymanforthenoveltyofamanicurelongbeforeeitherdarestotackleit。Imaybewrongbutthisismybelief。Andinthecaseofthemanheusuallymakesanumberoffalsestarts。
　　Yougototheportalsandhesitateandthen，stumblingacrossthethreshold，youeitherdiveonthroughtothebarbershop——ifthereisabarbershopinconnection——orelseyoumumblesomethingaboutbeinginahurryandcomingbackagain，andretreatwithallthegraceandeasethatwouldbeshownbyahardshellcrabthatwastryingtobackintothemouthofamilkbottle。Youarelikelytodothisseveraltimes;butfinallysomedayyoustick。Youslumpdownintooneofthoselittlechairsandofferyourhandsoroneofthemtoacalmandslightlyarrogantlookingyoungladyandyoutellhertopleaseshinethemupalittle。Youendeavortoappearasthoughyouhadbeendoingthisatfrequentperiodsstretchingthroughagreatnumberofyears，butshe——blessherlittleheart！——
　　sheknowsbetterthanthat。Thefemaleofthemanicuringspeciesisnottobedeceivedbyanysuchcheapandtransparentartifices。
　　Ifyouworeapeekaboowaistshecouldn'tseethroughyouanyeasier。Yourhandswouldgiveyouawayifyourfacedidn't。Inasibulentaside，sheaddressestheyoungladyatthenexttable——
　　theonewiththeninebraceletsandthehairdoneupdelicatessenstoremode——sausages，rollsandbuns——whereuponbothofthemlaughinasignificant，silveryway，andyoufeelthebackofyournecksettingyourcollaronfire。Youcansmellthebonebuttonbacktherescorchingandyou'regladit'snotcelluloid，celluloidbeingmoreinflammableandsubjecttocombustionwhensubjectedtointenseheat。
　　Whenbothhavelaughedtheirmerryfill，theyoungwomanwhohasyouinchargelooksyourightintheeyeandsays:
　　"Dearieme;you'llpardonmesayingso，butyournailsareinaperfectlyturriblestate。Idon'tthinkI'veseenajumpman'snailsinsuchastateforeversolong。Pardonmeagain——buthowlonghasitbeensinceyouhadthemdid？"
　　Towhichyoureplyinwhatismeanttobeajauntyandoff—handtone:
　　"Ohquitesomelittlewhile。I've——I'vebeenoutoftown。"
　　"That'swhatIthought，"shesayswithaslightshrug。Itisn'tsomuchwhatshesays——it'sthewayshesaysit，thetoneandallthat，whichmakesyoufeelsmallerandsmalleruntilyoucouldcrawlintoyourownwatchpocketandlivehappilythereeverafter。
　　There'dbeslewsofroomandwhenyouwantedtheairofaneveningyoucouldclimbupinabuttonholeofyourvestandbequitecosyandcomfortable。Butshrinkasyoumay，thereisnownohopeofescape，forshehasreachedoutandgrabbedyoufirmlybythewrist。Shehasyoufast。Youhaveafeelingthateightorninethousandpeoplehaveassembledbehindyouandareallgazingfixedlyintothesmallofyourback。Theonlythingsaboutyouthathaven'tshrivelledupareyourhands。Youcanfeelthemgrowinglargerandlargerandredderandredderandmoreprominentandconspicuouseveryinstant。
　　Theladybeginsoperations。Youareastonishedtonotehowmanytoolsandimplementsittakestomanicureapairofhandsproperly。
　　Thetopofherlittletableisfullofthemandshepullsopenadrawerandshowsyousomemore，rangedinrows。Therearefilesandsteelbitersandpigeon—toedscissorsandscrapersandpolishersandthings;andwadsofcottonwithwhichtostaunchthebloodofthewounded，andbottlesofliquidandlittlemedicinallookingjarsfullofredpaste;andacutglasscrockwithsoapsudsinitandawholelotoflittleorangewoodstobbers。
　　IntheinterestoftruthIhavetakenthepainstoenquireandI
　　haveascertainedthatthesestobbersareinvariablyoforangewood。Saywhatyouwill，theorangetreeisahardygrowth。
　　EveryFebruaryyoureadinthepapersthattheFloridaorangecrop，forthethirdconsecutivetimesinceChristmashasbeenentirelyandtotallydestroyedbyfrostandyetthereisalwaysanadequatesupplyonhandoftheprincipalproductsoftheorange—phosphateforthesodafountains，blossomsforthebride，politicalsentimentfortheNorthofIrelandandlittlesharpstobbersforthemanicurelady。SpeakingasanoutsiderIwouldsaythatthereoughttobeothervarietiesofwoodthatwouldserveaswellandbringaboutthedesiredresultsasreadily——agoodthornyvarietyofpoisonivyoughttofillthebill，Ishouldthink。Butitseemsthatorangewoodisabsolutelyessential。AmanicureladycouldnomoredoamanicureproperlywithoutusinganorangewoodstobberatcertainperiodsthanacartoonistcoulddrawapictureofamaninjailwithoutputtingaballandchainonhimorasummerresortcouldgetalongwithoutaLover'sLeapwithineasywalkingdistanceofthehotel。Itsimplyisn'tdone，that'sall。
　　Well，asIwassaying，shegetsouthertoolkitandgoestoworkonyou。Youdidn'tdreamthatthereweresomanythings——mainlyofapainfulnature——thatcouldbedonetoasinglefingernailandyouflinchasyousuddenlyrememberthatyouhavetenoftheminall，countingthumbsinwithfingers。Shetakesafingernailinhandandshefilesitandshetrimsitandshesoftensitwithhotwaterandhardensitwithchemicalsandparboilsitalittlewhileandthenshecutsoffthehangnails——iftherearen'tanyhangnailstherealreadyshe'llmakeafew——andsheshearsawayenoughextracuticletocoverquiteagood—sizedlittleboy。Shegoesoveryouwithabristlebrush，andwarmsupyournerveendsuntilyoutingleclearbacktoyourdorsalfinandthenshetakesoneofthoseorangewoodstobberspreviouslyreferredto，andgoesonanexploringexpeditiondownunderthenail，lookingforthequick。
　　Shealwaysfindsit。Thereisnorecordofafailuretofindthequick。Havingfounditsheproceedstowakeitupandteachitsomeparlortricks。Imaynothavesetforthallthesevariousdetailsintheexactorderinwhichtheytakeplace，butIknowshedoesthemall。Andsomewherealongaboutthetimewhensheishalfwaythroughwiththefirsthandshemakesyouputtheotherhandinthesuds。
　　Lateronwhenyouhavehadmorepracticeatthisthingyoulearntowaitforthesignalbeforeplungingthesecondhandintothesuds，butbeinggreenonthisoccasion，youareapttomistakethemovingofthecrockofsudsoverfromtherighthandsidetothelefthandsideasanoticeandtopokeyouruntouchedhandrightinwithoutfurtherorders，hopingtogetitsoftenedupwellsoastosavehertroubleintrimmingitdowntoasizewhichwillsuither。Butthisiswrong——thisisverywrong，asshetellsyoupromptly，withapityingsmileforyourignorance。
　　Manicuregirlsareascarefulaboutboilingahandassomeparticularpeopleareaboutbailingtheireggsforbreakfastofamorning。Atwominutehandisnopleasuretoherabsolutelyifshehasdiagnosedyourhandasonecallingforsixminutes，orviceversa。So，shouldyouerrinthisregardshewillsnatchtheoffendinghandoutandwipeitoffandgiveitbacktoyouandtellyoutokeepitinadryplaceuntilshecallsforit。
　　Manicuregirlsareveryfunnythatway。
　　Thustimepassesonandonandbydegreesyoubegintofeelmoreandmoreathome。Yourbashfulnessiswearingoff。Thecoherentpowerofspeechhasreturnedtoyouandyouhaveexchangedviewswithherontherelativemeritsofthebetterknownbrandsofchewinggumandwhichkindholdstheflavorlongest，andyouhaveswappedideasontheissueofwhetherladiesshouldorshouldnotsmokecigarettesinpublicandsheknowshowmuchyourstickpincostyouandyouknowwhatherfavoritefloweris。Youaregettingalongfine，whenallofasuddenshedabsyournailswitharedpasteandthensnatchesupakindofapolishingtoolandferociouslyrubsyourfingersuntiltheycatchonfire。Justwhentheconflagrationthreatenstobecomegeneralshestopsusingthepolisherandproceedstocooldowntheruinsbygentlyburnishingyournailsagainstthesoft，pinkpalmofherhand。Youlikethisbetterthantheotherway。Youcouldigniteyourselfbyfrictionalmostanytime，ifyougotholdoftherightkindofachamoisskinrubber，butthisisquitedifferentandhighlysoothing。
　　Youarebeginningtoreallyenjoythesensationwhensheroguishlypatsthebackofyourhand——pittypat——asasignalthattheoperationisnowover。Youpaythecheckandtipthelady——tipherfiftycentsifyouwishtoberegardedasalovelyjumpmanoronlytwenty—fivecentsifyouaresatisfiedwithbeingavurrynicefella——andyousecureyourhatandstepforthintotheopenwiththefeelingofonewhohastakenatripintoadistantdomainandonthewholehasratherenjoyedit。
　　Youstandinthesunlightandwaggleyourfingersandyouarestruckwiththedesirableglitterthatflitsfromfingertiptofingertiplikeaheleographwinkingonamountaintop。Itisindeedapleasingspectacle。Youdecidethathereafteryouwillalwaysglitterso。Itischeaperthanwearingdiamondsandmuchmorerefined，andsoyoutakegoodcareofyourfingersallthatdayandcarefullyrefrainfromdippingtheminthebrinewhileengagedinthewellknownindoorsportofspearingfordillpicklesatthebusinessmen'slunch。
　　Butthenextmorningwhenyouwakeupthedesirableglitterisgone。Youonlyglimmerdully——yourfingersdonotsparkleanddazzleandscintillateastheydid。AsFrancoisVillon，theFrenchpoetwouldundoubtedlyhavesaidhadmanicuresbeenknownatthetimehewaswritinghispoems，"Wherearethemanicuresofyesterday？"insteadofmakingit，"Wherearethesnowsofyesteryear？"therebeingnoanswerreadyforeitherquestion，exceptthatthemanicuresofyesterdaylikethesnowsofyesteryeararenevertherewhenyoustartlookingforthem。Theyhavejustnaturallygotupandgoneaway，leavingnoforwardingaddress。
　　Youhavenowbeenlauncheduponyourcareerasamanicuree。Younevergetoverit。Youeithergetmarriedandyourwifedoesyournailsforyou，thussavingyoulargesumsofmoney，butfailingtoimpartthehighdegreeofpolishandthespiceofromancenoticedinconnectionwiththesamejobwhendoneawayfromhome，oryoucontinuetopatronizetheregularestablishmentsandbecomeknownintimeasPolishedPercival，thePetoftheManicureParlor。Butineithereventyourhandswhichoncewerehandsandnothingmore，havebecomeasourceofaddedtroubleandexpensetoyou。
　　Speakingofhandsnaturallybringsonetothesubjectoffeet，whichwasintendedoriginallytobethethemeforthelasthalfofthischapter，butunfortunatelyIfindIhavedevotedsomuchspacetoyourhandsthatthereisbutlittleroomleftforyourfeetandsofarasyourfeetareconcerned，wemustcontentourselvesonthisoccasionwithafewgeneralstatements。
　　Feet，Itakeit，speakingbothfromexperienceandobservation，areevenmoretroubletousthanhandsare。Therearestillagoodmanyofusleftwhogothroughlifewithoutdoinganythingmuchforourhandsbutwithourfeetitisdifferent。Theythrustthemselvesuponussotospeak，demandingcareandattention。Thisgoesforallsizesandallagesoffeet。Fromthetimeyouareasmallboyandsufferfromstonebruisesinthesummerandchilblainsinthewinter，onthroughlifeyou'rebesetwithcornsandcallousesandfallingoftheinstepandalltheotherillsthatfeetareheirto。
　　Therichlimpwiththegout，themoderatelywelltodocontentthemselveswithanactiveingrownnailorso，andthepoormangoesoutanddropsanironcastingonhistoe。Nearlyeverymalewholivestoreachthevotingagehasaperiodofmentalweaknessinhisyouthwhenhewearsthosepointedshoesthatturnupattheends，likesleighrunners;andspendstherestofhisliferegrettingit。Feetarecertainlyungratefulthings。Imightsaythattheyareproverbiallyungrateful。Youdoforthemandtheydoyou。Yougetonecorn，hardorsoft，cureduporremovedbodilyandawholecrowdofitsrelativescometotakeitsplace。
　　IimaginethatNatureintendedweshouldgobarefootedandisnowgettingevenwithusbecausewedidn't。Ourpoor，painfulfeetgowithusthroughalltheyearsandeverystepinlifeismarkedbyapangofsomesort。Andrightonuptotheendofourdays，ourfeetaregettingmoreinfirmandmoretroublesomeandmorecrotchetyandhardertobearwithallthetime。Howmanyarethererightnowwhohaveonefootinthegraveandtheotheratthechiropodist's？Thousands，Ireckon。
　　Napoleonsaidanarmytraveledonitsstomach。Idon'tblamethearmy，farfromit;I'veoftenwishedIcouldtravelthatwaymyself，andI'venodoubtsohaseveryothermanwhoevercrowdedanumbernineandthree—quartersfootintoanumbereightpatent—leathershoe，andthenwenttocallonfriendsresidinginasteam—heatedapartment。Aswhatmanhasnot？Oncethegreen—corndancewasanexclusivethingwiththeSiouxIndians，butitmaynowbewitnessedwhenonemanstepsonanotherman'stoesinacrowd。
　　Weareaccustomedtomakefunofthehumblewormofthedustbutinonerespectthehumblewormcertainlyhasitonus。Hegoesthroughexistencewithoutanyhandsandanyfeettobotherhim。
　　IndeedinthisregardIcanthinkofbutonecreatureinallcreationwhoisworseoffthanwepoorhumansare。Thatisthelowlyearwig。Thinkofbeinganearwig，thatsuffersfromfallenarcheshimselfandhasawifethatsuffersfromcoldfeet！