Indueseason，though，hereachestheagewhereadolescentwhiskersandyoungromancebegintosproutoutonhimsimultaneously——andfromthatmomentonfortherestofhislifehishairisgivinghimbother，andplentyofit。
　　Yourhairgivesyoubotheraslongasyouhaveitandmorebotherwhenitstartstogo。Youarealwaysdoingsomethingforitanditisalwaysshowingdeep—dyedingratitudeinreturn;orelsethedyeisn'tdeepenough，whichisevenworse。Hairisresponsibleforsuchbyproductsasdandruff，barbers，wigs，severalcomicweeklies，mentalanguish，addedexpense，Chineserevolutions，andthestandardjokeaboutyourwife'susingyourbestrazortoopenacanoftomatoeswith。HairhasbeenofaidtoBuffaloBill，LittleLordFauntleroy，Samson，TheLadyGodiva，Jo—Jo，theDog—FacedBoy，poets，pianists，someartistsandmostmattressmakers，butadrawbackandasorrowtoAbsalom，polarbearsincaptivityandthemalesexingeneral。
　　Thisassertiongoesnotonlyforhairontheheadbutforhairontheface。Letusconsiderforamomentthematterofshaving。
　　Ifyoushaveyourselfyouexciteabarber'scontempt，andthereisnobodywhosecontempttheaveragemandreadsmorethanabarber's，unlessitisawaiter's。Andontheotherhand，ifyouletabarbershaveyouheexcitesnotyourcontemptparticularly，butyourrageandfrequentlyyourundyinghatred。Onceinaburstofconfidenceabarbertoldmeoneofthetradesecretsofhisprofession——hesaidthatamongbarberseveryfacefellintooneofthreeclasses，itbeingeitherasquare，aroundorasquirrel。Iknownot，reader，whetheryoursbeasquareoraroundorasquirrel，butthismuchIwillchanceonaventure，sightunseen——thatyouhaveyourperiodsofintenseunhappinesswhenyouarebeingshaved。
　　Idonotrefersomuchtotheactualprocessofbeingshaved。
　　Indeedthereissomethingrestfulandsoothingtotheaveragemaleadultinthefeelofasharprazorbeingguidedoverabristlyjowlbyadeftandskillfulhand，totheaccompanimentofagentlegratingsoundandfollowedbyasensationoftransientsilkensmoothness。NordoIrefertothebarber'shabitofconversation。
　　Afterall，abarberishuman——hehastotalktosomebody，anditmightaswellbeyou。Ifhedidn'thaveyoutotalktohe'dhavetotalktoanotherbarber，andthatwouldbenotreattohim。
　　WhatIdorefertoisthatwhichprecedesashaveandmoreespeciallythatwhichfollowsafterit。Yourushinforashave。
　　Intenminutesyouhaveanengagementtobemarriedorsomethingelseimportant，andyouwantashaveandyouwantitquick。Doesthebarbertakecognizanceoftheemergency？Hedoesnot。Suchwouldbecontrarytotheethicsofhiscalling。Knowingfromyourownlipsthatyouwantashaveandthat'spositivelyall，heneverthelessisinstantlyfilledwithaburningdesiretoequipyouwithalargenumberofotherthings。Inthisregardthebarberingprofessionhasmuchincommonwiththehaberdasheringorgents'—furnishingprofessionaspracticedinourlargercities。
　　Youinvadeahaberdasheringestablishmentforthepurpose，letussay，ofinvestinginaplainandsimplepairofhalfhose，pricetwenty—fivecents。Thatemphaticallyisallthatyoudodesire。
　　Yousostateinplain，simplelanguage，usingtheshorteranduglierwordsocks。
　　Doestheyouthinthepalemauveshirtwiththemarquiseringonthelittlefingerofthelefthandrestcontentwiththis？NeedI
　　answerthisquestion？Insuccessionhetriestosellyouafancywaistcoatwithlargepearlbuttons，abrokenlotofsilkpajamas，abath—robe，someshrimp—pinkunderwear——hewearsthiskindhimselfhetellsyouinstrictconfidence——apairofplushsuspendersandaknittednecktiethatyouwouldn'tbecaughtwearingattwelveo'clockatnightatthebottomofacoalmineduringatotaleclipseofthemoon。Ifyouresisthisblandishmentsandsofarforgetthatyouareagentlemanastouseharshlanguage，andifyouinsistonapairofsocksandnothingelse，he'llletyouhavethem，buthewillneverfeelthesametowardyouashedid。
　　'Tismuchthesamewithabarber。Youneedashaveinahurryandheiswillingthatyoushouldhaveashave，hebeingthereforthatpurpose，butfirstandlasthecanthinkofupwardofthirtyorfortyotherthingsthatyououghttohave，includingashampoo，ahaircut，ahairsinge，ahairtonic，ahairoil，amanicure，afacialmassage，ascalpmassage，aTurkishbath，hisopiniononthemeritsofthenewestWhiteHope，ashoeshine，somekindofaskinfood，andaseriesofcomparisonsoftheweatherwearehavingthistimethismonthwiththeweatherwewerehavingthistimelastmonth。NotallofusaregiftedwiththepowerofreparteebywhichmyfriendFrisbeeturnedtheedgeofthebarber'sdesires。
　　"Yourhair，"saidthebarber，fondlingatruantlock，"islong。"
　　"Iknowitis，"saidFrisbee。"Ilikeitlong。It'ssoRoycrofty。"
　　"Itisverylong，"saidthebarberwithawistfulexpression。
　　"Ilikeitverylong，"saidFrisbee。"IliketohavepeoplecomeuptomeonthestreetandcallmeMr。SutherlandandaskmehowIleftmysisters？IliketobemistakenforaRussianpianist。
　　Ilikeforstrangerstostopmeandaskmehow'severythingupatEastAurora。Inshort，Ilikeitlong。"
　　"Yes，sir，"saidthebarber，"quiteso，sir;butit'sverylong，particularlyhereintheback——itcoversyourcoatcollar。"
　　"Indeed？"saidFrisbee。"Yousayitcoversmycoatcollar？"
　　"Yes，sir，"saidthebarber。"Youcan'tseethecoatcollaratall。"
　　"Haveyougotagoodsharppairofshearsthere？"saidFrisbee。
　　"Oh，yes，sir，"saidthebarber。
　　"Allrightthen，"saidFrisbee;"cutthecollaroff。"
　　Butnotallofus，asIsaidbefore，havethisreadygiftofparryandthrustthatdistinguishesmyfriendFrisbee。Mostlyweweaklysurrender。Orifwerefusetosurrender，demandingjustashavebyitselfandnothingelse，whatthenfollows？Inmyowncase，speakingpersonally，Iknowexactlywhatfollows。IdonotliketohaveanypowderdabbedonmyfacewhenIamthroughshaving。
　　Ibelieveinlettingthebloomofyouthshowthroughyourskin，providingyouhaveanybloomofyouthtodoso。Ialwaystakepainstostatemyviewsinthisregardatleasttwiceduringtheoperationofbeingshaved——onceatthestartwhenthebarberhasmealllatheredup，withsoapsudsdrippingfromtheflangesofmyshell—likeearsandrunningdownmyneck，andonceagaintowardthecloseoftheoperation，whenhehaslaidasidehisrazorandissousingmydefenselessfeaturesinaliquidthatsmellsandtastesagooddeallikethosescentedpinkblotterstheyusedtogiveawayatdrug—storestoadvertisesomebody'scologne。
　　Doesthebarberrespectmywishesinthisregard？Certainlynot。
　　Heinsistsonpowderingme，eitherbeforemyeyesorsurreptitiouslyandinaclandestinemanner。Ifhedidn'tpowdermeuphewouldlosehissenseofself—respect，andprobablytheunionwouldtakehiscardawayfromhim。Ithinkthereissomethingintheconstitutionandby—lawsrequiringthatIbepowderedup。Ihavefoughtthegoodfightforyears，butI'malwayspowdered。Sometimesthecraftyfoedissembles。Hepretendsthatheisnotgoingtopowdermeup。Butallofasuddenwhenmybackisturned，asitwere，hegrabsuphispowderswabandmakesaquickswoopuponmeandthehellishdeedisdone。Ishouldbepleasedtohearfromothervictimsofthispracticesuggestinganypracticalreliefshortofhomicide。Idonotwishtokillabarber——thereareseveralotherordersinahead，referringtothepersonsIintendtokillofffirst——butImaybedriventoit。
　　Afterhehasgashedmecasuallyhitherandyen，andsluiceddownmyhelplesscountenancewiththecarefreeabandonofalivery—stablehandwashingoffabuggy，andafter，asabovestated，hehascoveredupthetracesofhiscrimewithpowder，thebarbernexttakesatowelandfoldsitoverhisrighthand，asprescribedintherulesandregulations，andthenhedabsmewiththattowelonvariouspartsofmyfaceninehundredandseventy—four——974——
　　separateanddistincttimes。IknowtheexactnumberofdabsbecauseIhavetakenthetroubletokeepcount。Imaybeinasgreatahurryasyoucanimagine;Imaybebutapoornervouswreckalready，asIam;Imaybequiveringtobeupandawayfromthere，buthedabsmewithhistowel——hedabsmeuntilreasontottersonherthrone——sometimesjustatinytot，asthesayinggoes，oritmaybethatthewholecerebralstructureisinvolved——andthenwhenheisapparentlyallthroughtheDemoniacDabbercomesbackanddabsmeonemorefiendish，deliberateandpremeditateddab，makingninehundredandseventy—fivedabsinall。Hehastodoit;it'sintheritualthatIandyouandeverybodymusthavethatlastdab。
　　Iwonderhowmanygibberingidiotsthereareintheasylumtodaywhosereasonwasoverthrownbybeingdabbedthatlastfarewelldab。
　　IknowfrommyownexperiencethatIcanfeelthelittledark—greengibberssloshingroundinsideofmeeverytimeithappens，andsomedaymymindwillgiveawayaltogetherandthere'llbeahurrycallsentinforthewagonwiththelockonthebackdoor。Yetitisofnoavailtocavilorprotest;wecannothopetoescape;wecanonlysitthereinmuteandhelplessmiseryandbefilledwithagreatenvyforMexicanhairlessdogs。
　　Forquiteaspellnowwehavebeenspeakingofhairontheface;
　　atthispointwereverttohairinitsrelationtothehead。Therearesomefewamongus，mainlyprofessionalSouthernersandleadingmen，whoretainthebulkofthehairontheirheadsthroughlife;
　　butwithmostofusthecircumstancesaredifferent。Yourhairgoesfromyou。Youdon'tseemtonoticeitatfirst;thenallofasuddenyouwakeuptotherealizationthatyourheadisworkingitswayupthroughthehair。Youstartinthendesperatelydoingthingsforyourhairinthehopeofinducingittostickroundtheoldplaceawhilelonger，butithasheardthecallofthewildanditisonitsway。There'snodetainingit。Yousoakyourskullinlotionsuntilyourbrainsoftensandyourhat—bandgetsmoldyfromthedamp，butyourhairkeepsrightongoing。
　　Afterawhileitispracticallygone。Ifonlyabouttwo—thirdsofitisgoneyourheadlookslikeagreatauk'segginasnugnest;
　　butifmostofitgoesthereissomethingaboutyouthatsuggeststheGlacialPeriod，withanicybarrenpeakrisinghighabovethevegetationline，whereathinlineofheroicstrandsstillclingtotheslopes。Youarebaldthen，asubjectfitforthejapesofthewickedanduniversallycoupledinthebettingwithonions，withhard—boiledeggsandwiththefrontrowoforchestrachairsatamusicalshow。
　　Atthistimeofwritingbaldnessiscreepinginsidiouslyupeachsideofmyhead。Itisexecutingflankmovementsfromthetemplesnorthward，andsomedaythetwocolumnswillmeetandafterthatI'llbeconsiderablymoreofahighbrowthanIamnow。AtpresentIamcraftilycombingtheremainingthatchinthemiddleandsmoothingitoutniceandflat，soastokeepthosebarespotscovered——thinlyperhaps，butneverthelesscovered。Itismyearnestdesiretocontinuetokeepthemcovered。Iamnotaprofessionalbeauty;Iamnotevenwhatyouwouldcallagoodamateurbeauty;andIwanttomakewhatlittlehairIhavegoasfarasitconvenientlycan。ButdoesthebarbertowhomIrepairatfrequentintervalscoincidewithmydesiresinthisrespect？
　　AgainIreplyhedoesnot。EverytimeIgoinIspeaktohimaboutit。Isaytohim:"Woodman，sparethathair，touchnotasinglestrand;inyouthitshelteredmeandI'llprotectitnow。"
　　Orinsubstancethat。
　　Hesaysyes，hewill，buthedoesn'tmeanit。Hewaitsuntilhecancatchmewithmyguarddown。Thenheseizesacomb，andusingtheedgeofhislefthandasabevelandoperatinghisrightwithasortoffree—armSpencerianmovement，heroachesmyhairupinascallopeffectoneitherside，anduponreachingthecresthefightswithitandwrestleswithituntilhemakesitstanderectinafeather—edgeddesign。Icantellbyhisexpressionthatheispleasedwiththisarrangement。Helovestosendhisvictimsforthintotheworldtuftedlikethefretfulcockatoo。Helikestoseesurgingwavesofhairdashhighonasternandrockboundhead。Hissenseoftheartisticdemandssucharesult。
　　WhatcareshehowIfeelaboutitsolongasthehighercravingsofhisownnaturearesatisfied？ButIresentit——Iresentitbitterly。Iobjecttohavingmyheadlooklikeareal—estatedevelopmentwithanopeningforanewstreetgoingupeachsideandanornamentaldesigninfancylandscapegardeningacrossthetop。IfIpermitthisIwon'tbeabletokeeponsayingthatI
　　wastwenty—sevenonmylastbirthday，withsomehopeofgettingawaywithit。SoIinsistthatheputmyfronthairrightbackwherehefoundit。Hedoesso，underprotestandbegrudgingly，itistrue，buthedoesit。Andthen，watchinghisopportunity，herunsinonmeandoverpowersmeandroachesitupsomemore。
　　IfIweakenandsubmitheishappyasthedayislong。Ifhegetsitroacheduponbothsidesthatwillmakemelooklikeahorizontal—barperformer，whichishisideaofmanlybeauty。OrifhegetsitroachedupononesideonlythereisstillsomeconsolationinitforhimI'mliabletobemistakenanywhereforatrained—animalperformer。Butonceinaverygreatwhilehedoesn'tgetitroacheduponeitherside，buthastostandthereandsufferasheseesmewalkforthintotheworldwithmyhaircombedtosuitmeandnothim。Icantellbyhislookthatheisgrievedanddowncast，andthathewillprobablygohomeandbecrosstothechildren。Hehasbutonesolace——hehopestohavebetterluckwithmenexttime。Andprobablyhewill。
　　Thelastageofhairisawig。Butwigsarenotsoverysatisfactoryeither。I'veseenalltheknownvarietiesofwigs，andIneversawoneyetthatlookedasthoughitwereevenonspeakingtermswiththeheadthatwasunderit。Awigalwayslooksasthoughitwereatotalstrangertotheheadandhadjustlitthereaminutetorest，preparatorytoflyingalongtothenexthead。Nevertheless，IthinkonthewholeI'llbehappierwhenmytimecomestowearone，becausethennobarbercanroachmeup。
　　HandsandFeetNearlyeveryboyhasaperiodinhislifewhenheisfilledwithanenviousadmirationfortheEastIndiagodwiththeextrasetofarms——Vishnu，Ithinkthisparty'snameis。Toasmallboyitseemsagrandthingtohaveareallyadequateassortmentofhands。
　　Heconsiderstheadvantageofsuchanarrangementinschool——twohandsinplainviewabovethedeskholdingMcGuffy'sFourthReaderattheproperangleforstudyandtheothertwooutofsight，downunderneaththedeskengagedinmanufacturingpaperwadsorplayingcrack—a—looorsomeotherreallyworthwhileemployment。
　　Orforrobbingbirds'nests。Therewouldbetwohandsforuseinskinningupthetree，andonehandforscaringoffthemotherbirdandonehandforstealingtheeggs。Andforhangingonbehindwagonsthecombinationpositivelycouldnotbebeaten。Thentherewouldbethegaudyconspicuousnessofgoingaroundwithfourarmsweavinginandoutinakindofspideryeffectwhilelessfavoredboyswereforcedtocontentthemselveswithjustanordinaryandinsufficientpair。Really，therewasonlyonedrawbacktothecontemplationofthisscheme——there'dbetwiceasmanyhandstowashwhencompanywascomingtodinner。
　　Generallyspeakingaboy'shandsgivehimnoseriousconcernduringthefirstfewyearsofhislifeexceptatsuchtimesashismothergrowsofficiousandfussyandinsiststhattheyoughttobewashedupasfarastheregularplaceforwashingaboy'shands，towit，aboutmidwaybetweentheknucklesandthewrist。Thefactthatonefingerisusuallyinastateofmashednessisnodrawback，butabenefit。Thepresenceofasoiledragaroundafingergivestoaboy'shandatouchofdistinctiveness——singlesitoutfromordinaryunmaimedhands。Itspresencehasbeenknowntoexcuseitshappypossessorfromsuchchoresasbringinginwoodforthekitchenstoveorpullingdockweedsoutofthegrassinafrontyardwhereitwouldbemucheasierandquickertopullthegrassoutofthedockweeds。Itmayevenbemadeasourceofprofitbyremovingthewrappingsandchargingtwochinamarblesalook。Iseemtorecallthatinthecaseofaspeciallyattractiveinjury，suchasathumbnailknockedofforadeepcutwhichhasrefusedtohealbyfirstintentionoranimbeddedsplinterinprocessofbeingdrawnoutbyascrapoffatmeat，thatasmuchasfourchinamarblescouldbecharged。
　　OntheFourthofJulyyouoccasionallyburnedyourhandsandincoldwinterstheychappedextensivelyacrosstheknucklesbutthesewerebutthemarksandscarsofhonorableendeavorandahardyendurance。Inoursettheboywhoseknuckleshadthedeepestcracksinthemwasaprominentandadmiredfigure，crowned，asyoumightsay，withanimaginarychapletbyreasonofhischaps。
　　Withgirls，ofcourse，itwasdifferent。
　　Girlsweresuperfluousandunnecessarycreatureswithafalseandinflatedideaofthevalueofsoapandwater。Theirhandsweren'tgoodformuchanyway。Lateronwediscoveredthatagirl'shandswereexcellentforholdingpurposesinahammockorwhilecomingbackfromastrawride，butIamspeakingnowoftheearlierstagesofourdevelopment，beforethepresenceoftheostensiblyweakersexbegantoawakenresponsivethrobsinourseveralbosoms——inshortwhengirlsweremerelynuisancesandthingstobeignoredwheneverpossible。Inthatearlystageofhisexistencehandshavenoaltruisticorsentimentalorornamentalvalueforaboy——
　　theyareforusefulpurposesaltogetherandareregardedassuch。
　　Itisonlywhenhehasreachedtheageoftailcoatsandspike—fencecollarsthathediscoverstwohandsarefrequentlytoomanyandoftennotenough。Theyaretoomanyatyourfirstchurchweddingwhenwearingyourfirstpairofwhitekidsandtheyarenotenoughatafiveo'clocktea。Thereisatypeofmalewhocangotoafiveo'clockteaandnotfalloveralotofLouieKahn'sfurnitureorgethimselfhopelesslytangledupinahangingdraperyandwhocanseemperfectlyateasewhileholdinginhishandsawalkingstick，apairofdovecoloredgloves，atwo—quarthat，acupofteawithasliceoflemonpeelinit，ateaspoon，alumpofsugar，aseedcookie，anolive，andthehandofaladywithwhomheisdiscussingthetruemeaningofthemessageofthelateIbsenbutthesegiftedmortalsarenotcommon。Theyarerareandexotic。
　　Therearealsosomefewwhocandoushingatachurchweddingwithapairofwhitekidsonandnotappearoverlyself—conscious。
　　Thesearealsotheexceptions。Thegreatmajorityofussuffervisiblyundersuchcircumstances。Youhavethefeelingthateachhandweighsfullytwenty—fourpoundsandthatitishangingoutofthesleeveforadistanceofaboutoneandthree—quartersyardsandyoudon'tknowwhattodowithyourhandsandonthewholewouldfeelmuchmorecomfortableanddecorativeiftheywerebothsawedoffatthewristsandhiddensomeplacewhereyoucouldn'tfind'em。Youhavethatfeelingandyoulookit。Youlookasthoughyouwereworkinginaplasterofparisfactoryandwerecarryinghomeacoupleoflargesacksofsamples。ItwouldbegrandtobeaVishnuatafiveo'clocktea，butawfultobeoneatachurchwedding。