Atthatmoment，ofalltheplacesintheworldthatIcouldthinkof——andIcouldthinkofagreatmanybecausetheeventsofmypastlifewererapidlyflashingpastme——asiscustomary，Iamtold，inothercasesofgraveperil，suchasdrowning——IsayofalltheplacesintheworldtherewerejusttwowhereIleastdesiredtobe——onewasupontopofthathorseandtheotherwasdownunderhim。Butitseemedtobeachoiceofthetwoevils，andsoIchosethelesserandgotunderhim。Ididthisbyasimpleexpedientthatoccurredtomeatthemoment。Ifelloff。Iwastrampedonconsiderably，andtheearthprovedtobeharderthanitlookedwhenviewedfromanapproximateheightofsixteenmilesup，butI
　　livedandbreathed——oratleastIbreathedafteratimehadelapsed——andIwassatisfied。Andso，havinggonethroughthisexperiencemyself，IaminpositiontoappreciatewhatanyothermanofmygeneralbuildisgoingthroughasIseehimbobbingby——
　　thepoormartyr，sacrificinghimselfasaburntoffering，oranywayablisteredone——onthehighaltarofaGothicruinofahorse。
　　And，besides，Iknowthatridingahorsedoesn'treduceafatman。
　　Itmerelyreducesthehorse。
　　Soitgoes——thefatmanisalwaysupagainstit。Hisfigureishalf—mastedinregretfulmemoryoftheproportionshehadonce，andheismadetomourn。Mostsportsandmanygainfulpursuitsareclosedagainsthim。Hecannotplaylawntennis，or，atleastaccordingtomyobservation，hecannotplaylawntennisoftenerthanonceintwoweeks。Inbetweengameshelimpsround，stiffasahattreeandsoreasamashedthumb。Timewaswhenhemightmingleinthemysticmazesofthewaltz，trippingthelightfantastictoeorstubbingit，asthecasemaybe。Butthatwasinthedaysoftheold—fashionedsquaredance，whichwasthefatman'sfriendamongdances，andalsooftheold—fashionedtwo—step，andnotinthesetimeswhendancingisacrossbetweenawrestlingmatch，acontortionactandatriponaroller—coaster，andiseithernamedforananimal，liketheBunnyHugandtheTarantulaGlide，orforatown，liketheMobileMop—Up，andtheFarRockawayRockandtheSouthBendBend。Hisfriendswouldinterfere——ortheauthoritieswould。Hecangoinswimming，itistrue;butifheturnsoverandfloats，peopleyelloutthatsomebodyhassettheliferaftadrift;andifhebasksatthewater'sedge，boatswillcomeinandtrytodockalongsidehim;andifhetakesasunbathonthebeachandsunburns，there'ssoeverlastingmuchofhimtobesunburnedthathepracticallyamountstoaconflagration。Hecan'tshootrapids，crapsorbiggamewithanydegreeofcomfort;
　　norplaybilliards。Hecan'tgetcloseenoughtothetabletomaketheshots，andheputsalltheEnglishonhimselfandnoneofitonthecueball。
　　Considerthegainfulpursuits。Thinkhowmanyofthemaredeniedtothemanwhomayhaveenergyandabilitybutisshutoutbecausethereareafewextraterracesonhisfrontlawn。Afatmancannotbealeadingmaninaplay。Nobodydesiresafatheroforanovel。
　　Afatmancannotgoinforaeroplaning。Hecannotbeawire—walkerorasuccessfulwalkerofanyoftheotherrecognizedbrands——
　　track，cake，sleeporfloor。Hedoesn'tmakeapopularwaiter。
　　Nobodywantsafatwaiteronahotday。True，youmaymakehimbringyourorderundercovereddishes，butevenso，thereisstillthatsuggestionofrainonatinroofthatisdistastefultosomany。
　　SoIrepeatthatfatpeoplearealwaysgettingtheworstofit，andIsayagain，ofalltheillsthatfleshisheirto，theworstisthefleshitself。Asthepoetsays——"Theworld，thefleshandthedevil"——andthereyouhaveitinasentence——thefleshinbetween，catchingthedevilononesideandthejeersoftheworldontheother。Idon'tcarewhatDr。WoodsHutchinsonoranyotherthinmansays！Icontendthathistoryisstuddedwithinstancesofprominentpersonswholostoutbecausetheygotfat。
　　TakeCleopatranow，theladytowhomMarcAntonysaid:"Iamdying，Egypt，dying，"andthenrefrainedfromdoingsoforaboutnineteenmorestanzas。CleoorPat——shewasknownbybothnames，Ihear——
　　didfairlywellasaqueen，asacoquetteandasapromoterofexcursionsontheriver——untilshefleshenedup。Thensheflivvered。DoctorJohnsonwasafatmanandhesufferedfrompricklyheat，andfromBoswell，andfromthefactthathecouldn'teatwithoutspillingmostofthegravyonhissecondmezzaninelanding。AsathinandspindlystriplingNapoleonalteredthemapofEuropeandstoodmanynationsontheirheads。ItwasafterhehadgrownfatandpursythathelandedonSt。Helenaandspenthislastdaysonabarrenrock，withhisarmsfolded，posingforsteelengravings。Nerowasfat，andhehadalotofhardluckinkeepinghisrelatives——theywerealmostconstantlydyingonhimandhefinallyhadtostabhimselfwithoneofthosepainful—lookingoldRomantwo—handedswords，lestsomethingreallyseriousbefallhim。
　　Falstaffwasfat，andhelostthefavorofkingsinthelastact。
　　ComingdowntoourowndayandturningtoapointnofartherawaythantheWhiteHouseatWashington——buthavewenotenoughexampleswithoutbecomingpersonal？Yes，IknowJuliusCaesarsaid:"Letmehavemenaboutmethatarefat。"Butyoubetitwasn'tintheheatedperiodwhenJ。Caesarsaidthat！
　　TeethOneofthemostpleasantfeaturesaboutbeingborn，asIconceiveit，isthatwearebornwithoutteeth。Ibelievetherehavebeenafewexceptionstothisrule——RichardtheThird，accordingtotheaccounts，cameintotheworldequippedwithallhisteethandaperfectlymiserabledisposition;andonceinawhile，especiallyduringRooseveltyears，whentheColonel'spictureishangingonthewallsofsomanyAmericanhomes，wereadinthepaperthatababyhasjustbeenbornsomewherewithafullset，andeven，asinthecaseoftheinfantsonofaformermemberoftheRoughRiders，withnoseglassesandaclose—croppedmustache。This，however，mayhavebeenapardonableexaggerationoftherealfacts。AsIrecallnow，itwasreportedinadispatchtotheNewYorkTribunefromLover'sLeap，Iowa，duringthepresidentialcampaigneightyearsago。
　　Inthemain，though，wearebornwithoutteeth。Wearebornwithoutanumberofthings——clothesforexample——althoughAnthonyComstockissaidtobepushingalawrequiringallchildrentobebornwithoverallson;butteethisthesubjectwhichwearenowdiscussing。Thisabsenceofteethtendstogivetheveryyoungofourspeciestheappearanceinthefaceofanoldfashionedbuckskinpursewiththedrawstringbroken，butbethatasitmay，wearegenerallyfairlywellcontentwithlifeuntiltheteethbegintocome。
　　Firsttherearethemilkteeth。Rightthereourtroublesstart。
　　Tousethetermcommonlyinuse，wecutthem，althoughasamatteroffact，theycutus——cutthemwiththeaidofsomesuchmussythingasatoothingringorthehornypartofthenurse'sthumb，orthereversesideofaspoon——cutthematthecostofinfinitesuffering，notonlyforourselvesbutforeverybodyelseinthevicinity。Andaboutthetimewegetthelastoneinwebegintolosethefirstoneout。Theygooneatatime，byfallingout，orbybeingyankedout，orbycomingoutoftheirownaccordwhenweeatmolassestaffy。TheyweremerelywhatyoumightcallourEnteredApprenticeteeth。Wegoinnowforthefullthirty—twodegrees——onedegreeforeachtoothandthirty—twoteethtoaset。
　　Byarduousandpainfulprocesses，stretchingoveraperiodofyears，wegetourregularteeth——theotherswereonlyvolunteers——
　　concludingwiththewisdomteeth，assocalled，butitisamisnomer，becausethereneverisroomforthemandtheyhavetostandupinthebackrowandtheyusuallyarrivewithholesinthem，andifwereallypossessedanywisdomwewouldfigureoutsomewayofabolishingthemaltogether。Theycomelateandcrowdtheirwayinandpushtheotherteethoutoflineandsowegoaboutformonthswiththetopofourmouthsfilledwithbracesandwiresandthings，sothatwhenwebreathehardwesobandcrooninsideofourselveslikeanAeoleanharp。
　　Butinanyeventwegetthemallandnosoonerdowegetthemthanwebegintolosethem。Theydevelopcavitiesandachesandextrarootsandwespendagoodpartofourlivesandmostofoursubstancewiththedentist。Nevertheless，inspiteofallwecandoandallhecando，wekeeponlosingthem。Andafterawhile，theyareallgoneandourfacefoldsuponuslikeacrushhatoraconcertinaandfromourbrowtoourchinwedon'tlookmuchmorethanathirdaslongasweusedtolook。Wedislikethisfolded—upappearancenaturally——whowouldn't？Andwegettiredoflivingonspoonvictualsandthememoryofpastbeef—steaks。Sowegoandgetsomefalseonesmade。Theyhavetobemadetoorder;
　　thereappearstobenomarketforcustommadeteeth;youneverseeanyhand—me—downteethadvertised，guaranteedtofitanyfaceandwithstandadampclimate。GettingthemmadetoorderisalongandunhappyprocessandIwillpassoveritbriefly。Havinggotthem，wefindthattheydonotfitusorthatwedonotfitthem，whichcomestothesamething。Thedentistmakesthemfitbyalteringussomeandtheteethsome，andaftersomemonthstheyquitfeelingasthoughtheydidn'tbelongtousbuthadbeenborrowedtemporarilyfromsomebody'sloancollectionofceramics。
　　Butjustaboutthetimetheyarebecomingacclimatedandwearegettingusedtothem，theinteriorofourmouthforprivatereasonsbestknowntoitselfchangesaroundmateriallyandweeitherhavetogobackandstartalloverandgothroughthewholethingagain，orelsehaplywedieandpassontothebournefromwhichnotravellerreturnetheitherwithhisteethorwithoutthem。IfShakespearehadonlythoughtofit——andhedidthinkofanumberofthingsfromtimetotime——hemighthavedividedhisSevenAgesofManmuchbetterbymakingthemtheSevenAgesofTeethasfollows:Firstage——notooth;secondage——milkteeth;thirdage——
　　losing'em;fourthage——gettingmoreteeth;fifthage——losing'em;
　　sixthage——gettingfalseteethandfindingtheyaren'tsatisfactory;
　　seventhage——toothlessagain。
　　Iknewamanoncewhowasagunsmithandlostallhisteethatacomparativelyearlyage。Hewentalongthatwayforyears。Hehadtoeschewthetenderloinforthereasonthathecouldn'tchewit，andhehadtocutouthickorynutcakeandcornontheearandsuchthings。Butthereisnothingabouttheartofgunsmithingwhichseemstocallforteeth，sohegotalongverywell，livinginalittlehousewiththewifeofhisbosomandafaithfulhousedognamedPonto。Butwhenhewaspastsixtyhewentandgothimselfsometeethfromthedentist。Hedidthiswithoutsayinganythingaboutitathome;hewastreasuringitupforasurprise。ThecornerstonewaslaidinMayandthescaffoldingwasallupbyJulyandinAugustthenewteethwerededicatedwithsuitableceremonies。
　　Theyalteredhisappearancematerially。Hisnoseandchinwhichhadbeenontermsofintimacynowrubbedeachotheralastfondgood—byeandhisfacelostthataccordian—pleatedlookandstraightenedoutandbecameaboutsixorsevenincheslongerfromtoptobottom。Henowhadasortofdeterminedaspectliketheironjawedladyinacircus，whereasbeforehisfacehadtheappearanceofbeingfoldedoverandwaddeddowninsideofhisneckband，sohishatcouldrestcomfortablyonhiscollar。Heknewhewasaltered，buthedidn'trealizehowmuchhewasaltereduntilhewenthomethateveningandwalkedproudlyinthefrontgate。
　　Hiswifewhowastimidaboutstrangers，slammedthedoorrightinhisfaceandfaithfulPontocameoutfromundertheporchstepsandbithimseverelyinthecalfoftheleg。Therewasonlyoneconsolationinitforhim——forthefirsttimeinalongnumberofyearshewasinpositiontobiteback。
　　Andthat'showitiswithteeth——withyourteethletussay——forrighthereI'mgoingtodropthepersonalpronounandspeakofthemasyourteethfromnowon。Ifanybodyhastosufferitmightaswellbeyouandnotme;Iexpecttobebusytellingaboutit。
　　AsIstartedtosayawhileago，you——rememberit'syoufromthispoint——yougetyourregularteethandtheystartrightingivingyoutrouble。Everylittlewhileoneofthemburstsfromitscellwithahorribleyellandinthelullsbetweenpangsyougoforthamongmenwiththehauntedlookinyoureyeofonewhoislisteningforthefootfallsofadreadapparition，andonehalfofyourheadispuffedoutofplumbasthoughyouwereengagedinthewhimsicalideaofholdinganeggplantinthesideofyourjaw。Akindfriendmeetsyou，and，speakingwiththathighcourageandthatloftyspiritofsacrificewhichakindfriendalwaysexhibitswhenit'syourtooththatiskickinguptherumpusandnothis，hetellsyouyououghttohavesomethingdoneforitrightaway。Youknowthataswellashedoes，butyouhatetohavethesubjectbroughtup。It'syourtoothacheanyhow。Itoriginatedwithyou。
　　Youareitsproudparentbutnotsoawfullyproudatthat。Motherandchilddoingaswellascouldbeexpected，butnotexpectedtodoverywell。
　　ButthesefriendsofyourskeeponshovingtheirfreeadviceonyouandthetoothkeepsongettingworseandworseuntilthepainspreadsallthroughtheFirstWardandfinallyyougrabyourresolutioninbothhandstokeepitfromleakingoutbetweenyourfingersandyougotothedentist's。
　　Thishappenssomanytimesthatafterawhileyoulosecountandsowouldthedentist，ifhedidn'twriteyournamedowneverytimeinhislittleredbookwithpleasinglylargeamountsenteredoppositetoit。Itseemstoyouthatyouarealwaysdoingsomethingforyourteeth？Youhavethempulledandpushedandshovedandfilledandunfilledandrefilledandexcavatedandblastedandsculpturedandscroll—sawedandalotofotherthingsthatyouwouldn'tthinkcouldbedonelegallywithoutabuildingpermit。Astimepasseson，theinsideofyouroncewell—tilledandcommodiousheadbecomesbutlittlemorethanarecentsite。
　　YourvaultshavebeenblownandmostofyourcontentsabstractedbyAmalgamMikeandDentalSlim，theDemonYeggmenoftheHumanFace。Youaremerelythescatteredclewsleftbehindfortheauthoritiestoworkon;youarethefainttracesofthefiendishcrime。YouarethepointmarkedX。
　　Butallalongthereisgenerallyonetooththathasbehavedherselflikealady。OtherteethmayhavebetrayedyourconfidencebutOldFaithfulhashungon，attendingtobusiness，askingonlyforstandingroomandkindtreatment。Theothersyoumayviewwithalarm，buttothistoothyoucanpointwithpride。Buthaveacare——sheisdeceivingyou。
　　Somenightyougotobedandhaveadream。Inyourdreamitseemstoyouthatafoxterrierischasingawoodchuckaroundandaroundtheinsideofyourhead。Inthattangledsortoffashionpeculiartodreamsyoursympathyseemstogooutfirsttothefoxterrierandthentothewoodchuckastheycircleaboutnimbly，leapingfromyourtonsilstoyourlarynxandthenupovertheraftersintheroofofyourmouthanddownagainandpatteringoverthesub—maxillaryfromsidetoside。Butaboutthenyouwakeupwithaviolentstartanddecidethatanysympathyyoumayhaveinstockshouldbereservedforpersonaluseexclusively，becauseatthismomentthedogtreesthewoodchuckatthebaseofthatcherishedtoothofyoursandstartstodighimout。Heisaverydetermineddogandveryactive，butheneedsamanicure。Youarestruckbythatfactalmostimmediately。
　　Utteringsomeofthosetriteandcommonplaceremarksthatarecustomaryforuseundersuchcircumstancesandyetaresofutiletoexpressone'srealsentiments，youariseandundertaketopacifytheinfuriatedcreaturewithhouseholdremedies。Youtrytolurehimawaywithawadofmedicatedcottonstuckontheendofaparlormatch。Butarnicaisevidentlyanacquiredtastewithhim。Hedoesn'tseemtocareforitanymorethanyoudo。
　　Youbegintodress，usingonehandtoputyourclothesonwithandtheothertoholdthetopofyourheadon。Atthisimportantjuncture，thedogtearsdownthelastremainingpartitionsandnailsthewoodchuck。Thewoodchuckisgame——saywhatyouwillaboutthehabitsandcustomsofthewoodchuckyouhavetohandittohimthere——he'sgameasalion。Hefightsbackdesperately。
　　Intenseexcitementreignsthroughoutthevicinity。Whilethestrugglewagesyougetyourclothesonandwaitfordaylighttocome，whichitdoesinfromeighttotenweeks。Norwayisnottheonlyplacewherethenightsaresixmonthslong。
　　Thereisnobodywaitingatthedentist'swhenyougetthere，itbeingearly。Youarewillingtowait。Atabarbershopitmaybedifferentbutatadentist'syouarealwayswillingtowait，likeagentleman。ButthesinewyyoungmanwhoissittinginthefrontparlorreadingtheHammerThrower'sGazette，welcomesyouwithafalseairofgaietyentirelyoutofkeepingwiththecircumstancesandinvitesyoutosteprightin。Hetellsyouthatyouarenext。Thisiswrong——ifyouwerenextyouwouldturnandfleelikeadeer。Notbeingnext，youenter。Rightfromthestartyouseemtotakeadisliketothisyoungman。Youcatchhimspittinginhishandsandhitchinghissleevesupasyouarehangingupyourhat。Besidesheistoorobustforadentist。Withthoseshouldersheoughttobeaboilermakerorasafemoverorsomethingofthatsort。Youresolveinwardlythatnexttimeyougotoadentistyouaregoingtooneofamorelady—likebearingandgentlerdemeanor。Itseemsabrutalthingthatabigstrongmanshouldwastehisyearsinadentalestablishmentwhentheworldisclamoringforstrongmentodotheheavyliftingjobs。Butbeforeyoucansayanything，thismuscularathletehaslaidviolenthandsonyourpalpitatingformandwaddeditabruptlyintothehideousembracesofaredplushchair，whichlookssomethingliketheonetheyuseupatSingSing，onlyit'sdonemorequicklyupthereandwithlesssufferingonthepartofthecondemned。Ononesideofyouyoubeholdquiteadisplayofopenplumbingandontheothersideatastyexhibitofsmallsteeltoolsofassortedsizes。Nomatterwhichwayyourgazemaystrayyou'llbeseeingsomethingattractive。
　　Youalsotakenoticeofanelectricmotoraboutlargeenough，youwouldsay，torunatrolleycar，whichispurringnearbyinasinisterandforbiddingway。Theyareconstantlymakingtheselittleimprovementsinthedentalprofession。Ihaveheardthatfiftyyearsagoadentisttraveledaboutoverthecountryfromplacetoplace，sometimespullingatoothandsometimesbreakingacolt。Hepracticedhisartwithanoutfitconsistingoftwopairsofironforceps——onepairbeingsaber—toothedwhiletheotherpairwasmerelysaw—fretted——andhegaveamanthesamekindoftreatmenthegaveahorse，onlyhetiedthehorse'slegsfirst。