ToG。H。L。
　　WhostoodgodfathertothesecontentsPrefaceThisSpaceTo—LettoAnyReputablePartyDesiringaGoodPrefaceContentsI。TummiesII。TeethIII。HairIV。HandsandfeetTummiesDr。WoodsHutchinsonsaysthatfatpeoplearehappierthanotherpeople。HowdoesDr。WoodsHutchinsonknow？Didheeverhavetoleavethetwotopbuttonsofhisvestunfastenedonaccountofhisextrachins？Hasthepressurefromwithinagainstthewaistbandwherethewatchfobislocatedeverbeensogreatinhiscasethathehadpartiallytoundresshimselftofindoutwhattimeitwas？
　　Doeshehavetotakethetailor'swordforitthathistrousersneedpressing？
　　Hedoesnot。Andthatsortofaremarkisonlywhatmightbeexpectedfromanypersonupwardofsevenfeettallandweighingaboutninety—eightpoundswithhisheavyunderwearon。IshallfreelytakeDr。WoodsHutchinson'sstatementsonthejoysandillsofthethin。Butwhenheundertakestotellmethatfatpeoplearehappierthanthinpeople，itisonlyhearsayevidencewithhimanddeclinetoaccepthisstatementsunchallenged。Heisgoingoutsideofhisclass。Heis，asyoumightsay，nomorethananinnocentbystander。WhereasIamaqualifiedauthority。
　　Iwilladmitthatatonestageofmylife，Iregardedfleshinessasadesirableasset。Theincidentcameaboutinthisway。Therewasacircusshowinginourtownandanumberofusproposedtoattendit。Itwasoneofthoseone—ring，ten—centcircusesthatusedtogoaboutoverthecountry，anditismypresentrecollectionthatallofushadfundslaidbysufficienttobuytickets;butifwecouldprocureadmissionintheregularwaywefeltitwouldbeasinfulwasteofmoneytopayourwayin。
　　Withthisideainmindwewentscoutingroundbackofthemaintenttoacomparativelysecludedspot，andtherewefoundaplacewherethecanvasside—wallliftedclearoftheearthforamatteroffourorfiveinches。Weheldaninformalcaucustodecidewhoshouldshouldgofirst。Thehonorlaybetweentwoofus——betweenthepresentwriter，whowasreasonablyskinny，andanotherboy，namedThompson，whowasevenskinnier。Hewon，asthesayingis，onform。Itwasdecidedbypracticallyaunanimousvote，healonedissenting，thatheshouldcrawlunderandseehowthelandlayinside。Ifeverythingwasallrighthewouldmakeitknownbycertainsignalsandwewouldthenfollow，onebyone。
　　TwoofusliftedthecanvasverygentlyandthisThompsonboystartedtowriggleunder。Hewasabouthalfwayinwhen——zip！——likeaflashhebodilyvanished。Hewasgone，leavingonlythemarkswherehistoeshadgougedthesoil。Startled，welookedatoneanother。
　　Therewassomethingpeculiaraboutthis。Herewasaboywhohadstartedintoacircustentinacircumspect，indeed，ahighlycautiousmanner，andthenfinishedthetripwithundueandsuddenprecipitancy。
　　Itwasmorethanpeculiar——itborderedupontheuncanny。Itwassinister。Withoutawordhavingbeenspokenwedecidedtogoawayfromthere。
　　Wearingexpressionsofintenseunconcernandsterlinginnocenceuponouryoungfaceswedidgoawayfromthereanddriftedbackinthegeneraldirectionofthemainentrance。Wearrivedjustintimetomeetouryoungfriendcomingout。Hecamehurriedly，usinghishandsandhisfeetboth，hisfeetfortravelingandhishandsforrubbingpurposes。Immediatelybehindhimwasalarge，coarsemanusinglanguagethatstampedhimasamanwhohadoutgrownthespiritofyouthandwaspreeminentlyoutoftouchwiththeidealsandaimsofboyhood。
　　AtthatperioditseemedtomeandtotheThompsonboy，whowasmovedtospeakfeelinglyonthesubject，andinfacttoallofus，thatexcessiveslimnessmighthaveitsdrawbacks。Sincethattimeseveralofushavehadoccasiontochangeourminds。Withthepassageofyearswehavefleshenedup，andnowweknowbetter。ThelasttimeIsawtheThompsonboyhewasknownasExcess—BaggageThompson。Hisfigureinprofilesuggestedamancarryingaroll—topdeskinhisarmsandhisfacelookedlikeafacethathadrefusedtojellandwasabouttorundownonhisclothes。Hespokelonginglyofthedaysofhisyouthandwonderediftheshapeofhiskneeshadchangedmuchsincethelasttimehesawthem。
　　Yessir，nomatterwhatDoctorHutchinsonsays，Icontendthattheslimmanhasallthebestofitinthisworld。Thefatmanistheuniversalgoat;heishumanity'sstandingjoke。Stomachsarethecurseofourmoderncivilization。Whenamangetsastomachhistroublesbegin。Ifyoudoubtthisaskanyfatman——Istartedtosayaskanyfatwoman，too。Onlytherearen'tanyfatwomentospeakof。Therearewomenwhoareplumpandwilladmitit;thereareevenwomenwhoareinclinedtobestout。Butoutsideofdimemuseumstherearenofatwomen。Butthereareplentyoffatmen。
　　Askoneofthem。Askanyoneofthem。Askme。
　　Thisthingofacquiringatummystealsononeinsidiously，likeathiefinthenight。Younoticethatyouareplumpingoutatrifleandforthetimebeingyoufeelasortofsmallpersonalsatisfactioninit。Yourshirtsfityoubetter。Youlovetheslightstrainuponthebuttonholes。Youadmirethepleasantplunkingsoundsuggestiveofripewatermelonswhenyoupatyourself。Thenadaycomeswhenthepersuasiveodorofmothballsfillstheautumnalairandeverybodyatthebarbershopishavingthebackofhisneckshavedalso，thusbetokeningawakenedsocialactivities，andwheneveningisathandyoutakethedress—suit，whichfittedyousowell，outoftheclosetwhereithasbeenhangingandundertaketobackyourselfintoit。Youarepainedtolearnthatitisaboutthreesizestoosmall。Atfirstyouareinclinedtoblamethesuitforshrinking，butsecondthoughtconvincesyouthatthefaultlieselsewhere。Itisyouthathaveswollen，notthesuitthathasshrunk。Thebuttonsthatshouldadornthefrontofthecoatarenowplainlyvisiblefromtherear。
　　Youbuyanotherdress—suitandnextfallyouhaveout—grownthatonetoo。Youpantlikealizardwhenyouruntocatchacar。Youcrossyourlegsandhavetoholdthecrossedoneonwithbothhandstokeepyourstomachfromshovingitoffinspace。Afterawhileyouquitcrossingthemandarecontentwithdawdlingyourselfonyourownlap。Youarefat！Dog—goneit——youarefat！
　　Youareupagainstitanditisupagainstyou，whichisworse。Youaresomethingforpeopletolaughat。Youarealsoexpectedtolaugh。Itisallrightforathinmantobegrouchy;peoplewillsaythepoorcreaturehasdyspepsiaandshouldbehumoredalong。
　　Butafatmanwithagrouchisinexcusableinanycompany——thereissomuchofhimtobegrouchy。Heconstitutesawaveofdiscontentandaperiodofgeneraldepression。Heisnotexpectedtoberomanticandsentimentaleither。Itisallrightforagiraffetobesentimental，butnotahippopotamus。Ifyoudoubtmeconsultanysetofnaturalhistorypictures。Thegiraffeisshownwithhislongandsinuousneckentwinedinfondembraceabouttheneckofhismate;buttheamphibious，blood—sweatinghippoisdepictedasspoutingandwallowing，moroseandmisanthropic，inamudpuddleoffbyhimself。InpassingImaysaythatIregardthiscomparisonasaparticularlyaptone，becauseIknowofnolivingcreaturesotrulyamphibiousinhotweatherasanopen—poredfatman，unlessitisahippopotamus。
　　Ohhowtrueisthesayingthatnobodylovesafatman！Whenfatcomesuponthefrontporchlovejumpsoutofthethird—storywindow。
　　Loveinacottage？Yes。Loveinarenderingplant？No。Afatman'sheartissupposedtoliesofarinlandthatthesofteremotionscannotreachitatall。Yetthefattestarethetruest，ifyoudidbutknowit，andalsotheyarethetenderestandamanwithadoublechinrarelyleadsadoublelife。Foronething，itrequirestoomuchmovinground。
　　Afatmancannotweartheclotheshewouldliketowear。Asaracefatmenarefondofbrightandcheerfulcolors;butnofatmancanindulgehisinnocentdesiresinthisdirectionwithoutgrievinghisfamilyandfriendsandexcitingthederisivelaughteroftheunthinking。Ifheputsonafancy—floweredvest，they'llsayhelookslikeaHangingGardenofBabylon。Andyethehasafigurejustmadeforshowingoffafancy—floweredvesttobesteffect。
　　Hemayfavorsomethinginlightchecksforhisspringsuit;butifheventuresabroadinacheckedsuit，ribaldstrangerswilllookathimmeaninglyandremarktooneanotherthatthecenterofpopulationappearstobeshiftingagain。Ithasbeenmyobservationthatfatmenareinstinctivelydrawntoshorttanovercoatsfortheearlyfall。Butafatmaninashorttanovercoat，strollinguptheavenueofasunnyafternoon，willbeconstantlyoverhearingpersonsbehindhimwonderingwhytheydidn'twaituntilnighttomovethebankvault。Thatirkshimsore;butifheturnsroundtoreproachthemheisliabletoshoveanoldladyorapoorblindmanoffthesidewalk，andthen，likeasnot，somegaminwillsingout:"Hullygee，Chimmy，wot'sbecomeoftherestoftheparade？"Ere'sthebassdrumgoin'homeallbyitself。"
　　I'veknownofjustsuchremarksbeingmadeandIassureyoutheycutasensitivesoultothecore。Notforthefatmanarethesnappyclothesforvarsitymenandthepatternscalledbythetailorsconfinedbecausethatiswhattheyshouldbebutaren't。
　　Notforhimthesilkenshirtwiththebroadstripes。Shirtswithstripesthatweremeanttorunverticallybutarecausedtorunhorizontally，byreasonsoverwhichthewearerhasnocontrol，remindothersoftheawningoveranItaliangrocery。Sothefatmanmuststicktosobernavybluesanddepressingblacksandmelancholygrays。Heisadvisedthatheshouldwearhiseveningclotheswheneverpossible，becauseblackandwhitelinesaremorebecomingtohim。Butevenineveningclothes，thatwideexpanseofglazedshirtandthosewhiteenamelstudswillputtheonlookersinmindofthefrontendofadairylunchorsoIhavebeencruellytold。
　　Whenplanningpublicutilities，whothinksofafatman？Thereneverwasahansomcabmadethatwouldholdafatmancomfortablyunlessheleftthedoorsopen，andthatmakeshimfeelundressed。
　　Thereneverwasanorchestraseatinatheaterthatwouldcontainallofhimatthesametime——hechurnsupandsloshesoutoverthesides。Apartmenthousesandelevatorsandhoteltowelsareallconstructedupontheideathattheworldispopulatedbystock—sizepeoplewiththosedouble—A—lastshapes。
　　TakeaPullmancar，forinstance。Oneofthesaddestsightsknownisthatofafatmantryingtoundressononeofthoseclosetshelvescalledupperberthswithoutgettinghopelesslyentangledinthehammockorcommittingsuicidebyhanginghimselfwithhisownsuspenders。Andafterthat，thenextmostdistressingsightisthesamefatmanafterhehasundressedandislyingthere，spoutinglikeasperm—whaleandoverflowinghisreservationlikeacrockofsalt—risingdoughinawarmkitchen，andwonderinghowhecanturnoverwithoutbulgingthesideofthecarandmaybecausingawreck。
　　Ahme，thosedarkgreencurtainswiththeovercoatbuttonsonthemhidemanyadistressfulspectaclefromthetravelingpublic！
　　Ifafatmanundertakestoreducenobodysympathizeswithhim。A
　　thinmantryingtofattenupsohewon'tfallallthewaythroughhistrouserswhenhedraws'emoninthemorningisanobjectofsympathyandofadmiration，andpeoplecomefrommilesroundandgivehimadviceabouthowtodoit。Butsupposeafatmanwantstotraindowntoapointwhere，whenhegoesintoatelephoneboothandsays"Ninety—fourBroad，"thespectatorswillknowheistryingtogetanumberandnottellinghistailorwhathiswaistmeasureis。
　　Ishegreetedwithsympatheticunderstanding？Heisnot。Heisgreetedwithderisionandpeoplestandroundandgloatathim。Theauthoritiesrecommendhealthexercises，buthealthexercisesarealmostinvariablyundignifiedineffectandwearingbesides。Whowantstogreetthedewymornbylyingflatonhisbackandliftinghisfeetfiftytimes？Whatkindofawayisthattogreetthedewymornanyhow？Andbendingoverwiththekneesstiffandtouchingthetipsofthetoeswiththetipsofthefingers——that'snoemploymentforagrownmanwithafamilytosupportandapositiontomaintaininsociety。Besideswhichitcannotbedone。Imakethestatementunequivocallyandwithoutfearofsuccessfulcontradictionthatitcannotbedone。Andifitcouldbedone——
　　whichasIsayitcan't——therewouldbenorealpleasureintouchingasetoftoesthatonehasknownofonlybycommonrumorforyears。Thosetoesarethesameasstrangerstoyou——youknewtheywereintheneighborhood，ofcourse，butyouhaven'tbeenintimatewiththem。
　　Maybeyoutrydieting，whichiscontrarytonature。Natureintendedthatafatmanshouldeatheartily，elsewhyshouldsheendowhimwiththecapacityandtheaccommodations。Starvinginthemidstofplentyisnotforhimwhohasplentyofmidst。Naturemeantthatafatmanshouldhaveanappetiteandthatheshouldgratifyitatregularintervals——meantthatheshouldfeelliketheGrandCanyonbeforedinnerandliketheRoyalGorgeafterward。Anyhow，dietingforafatmanconsistsinnoteatinganythingthat'sfittoeat。Thespecialistmerelytellshimtoeatwhatahorsewouldeatandhasthenervetochargehimforwhathecouldhavefoundoutforhimselfatanyliverystable。Ofcoursehemightbantinthesamewaythatawomanbants。Youknowhowawomanbants。Shebeginsthedayveryresolutely，andifyouareherhusbandyouwanttoavoidirritatingherorupsettingher，becausehellhathnofurylikeawomanbanting。Forbreakfastshetakesaswallowoflukewarmwaterandhalfofasodacracker。Forluncheonshetakestheotherhalfofthecrackerandleavesoffthewater。Fordinnersheorderseverythingonthemenuexceptthedateandthenameoftheproprietor。Shedoesthisinordertogiveherstrengthtogoonwiththetreatment。
　　Nofatmanwoulddietthatway;butnomatterwhichwayhedoesdietitdoesn'tdohimanygood。Healthexercisesonlymakehimmuscle—soreandbringonwhattheHarvardballteamcalltheCharlesW。Horse;whilebantingresultsinattacksofthosekindredcomplaints——theMollieK。GrubbsandtheFanJ。Todds。
　　Walkingissometimesrecommendedandtheexampleofthecamelispointedout，thecamelbeingacreaturethatcanwalkfordaysanddays。But，ashasbeensaidbysomethinkingperson，whointhunderwantstobeacamel？Thesubjectofhorsebackridingisalsobroughtupfrequentlyinthisconnection。Itisoneofthecommonestdelusionsamongfatmenthathorsebackridingwillbringthemdownandmakethemsylphlikeandwillowy。Ihaveseveralfatmenamongmylistsofacquaintanceswholaborunderthisfallacy。
　　Noneofthemwaseveranatural—bornhorsebackrider;noneofthemeverwillbe。Iliketogooutofabrightmorningandtakeacomfortableseatonaparkbench——oneparkbenchisplentyroomyenoughifnobodyelseisusingit——andsitthereandwatchtheseunhappypersonspassingsinglefilealongthebridle—path。IsitthereandgloatuntilbyrightsIoughttoberequiredtotakeoutagloater'slicense。
　　Mindyou，Ihavenoprejudiceagainsthorsebackridingassuch。
　　HorsebackridingisallrightformountedpolicemenandColonelW。F。CodyandmembersoftheStickneyfamilyandthepartywhousedtoplayMazeppainthesterlingdramaofthatname。Thatishowthosepersonsmaketheirliving。Theyaresuitedforitandacclimatedtoit。ItisalsoallrightforequestrianstatuesofgeneralsintheCivilWar。Butitisnotafitemploymentforafatmanandespeciallyforafatmanwhoinsistsontryingtorideahard—trottinghorseEnglishstyle，whichreallyisn'tridingatallwhenyoucomerightdowntocases，butanoutdoorcureforneurastheniainvented，Itakeit，byaBritishsubjectwhowasnervoushimselfandhatedtostaylonginoneplace。So，asI
　　wassaying，Isitthereonmycomfortableparkbenchandwatchthosefriendsofminebouncingby，eachwearingonhisfacethatsetexpressionwhichisseenalsoonthefacesofsomemenwhilewaltzing，andonthefacesofmostwomenwhenentertainingtheirrelativesbymarriage。Ihaveonefriendwhoisaddictedtothisformofpunishmentinaviolent，nottosayamalignantform。Heusesforhispurposeatallandself—willedhorseoftheTudorperiod——ahorsewiththosehighdormereffectsandaslopingmansard。Thishorsemusthavebeenraised，Ithink，intheknockaboutsong—and—dancebusiness。Everytimehehearsmusicorthinkshehearsithestopsandvampswithhisfeet。Whenhedoesthismyfriendbendsforwardandclutcheshimroundthenecktightly。Ithinkheistryingtowhisperinthehorse'searandbeghiminHeaven'snametoforbear;butwhathelookslikeisSantaClauswithacleanshave，sittingonthecombingofaverysteephousewithhisfeethangingovertheeaves，peekingdownthechimneytoseeifthechildrenareasleepyet。Whenthathorsedieshewillstillhavefingermarksonhisthroatandtheauthoritieswillsuspectfoulplayprobably。
　　OnceItrieditmyself。IwasinducedtoscaletheheightsofahorsethatwasbuiltsomewhatalongthegeneralideaoftheAndesMountains，onlymoreruggedandsteepernearingthecrest。Fromthegroundhelookedtobenotmorethansixteenhandshigh，butassoonasIwasupontopofhimIimmediatelydiscernedthatitwasnotsixteenhands——itwassixteenmiles。WhatIhadtakenforthehorse'sblazefacewasasnow—cappedpeak。MissAnnaPeckmighthavefeltathomeupthere，becauseshehashadtheexperienceandisusedtothatsortofthing，butIamnomountainclimbermyself。
　　BeforeIcouldmakeanymovetodescendtothelowerandlessrarifiedaltitudesthehorsebeganexecutingafewfancysteps，andhestartedtravelingsidewisewithakindofaslantingbiasmovementthatwasextremelydisconcerting，nottosayalarming，insteadofproceedingstraightaheadasaregularhorsewould。I
　　clungthereastraddleofhisridgepole，withmyfingerstwinedinhismane，tryingtoanticipatewherehewouldbenext，inordertobetheretomeethimifpossible;andIresolvedrightthenthat，ifProvidenceinHiswisdomsowilleditthatIshouldgetdownfromuptherealive，Iwouldneverdosoagain。However，I
　　didnotexpresstheselongingsinwords——notatthattime。AtthattimetherewereonlytwowordsintheEnglishlanguagewhichseemedtocometome。Oneofthemwas"Whoa"andtheotherwas"Ouch，"andIspokethemalternatelywithsuchrapiditythattheymergedintothecompoundword"Whouch，"whichisaveryexpressivewordandonethatIwouldfreelyrecommendtootherswhomaybesituatedasIwas。