shewasbentupongoingasusual；sosheorderedthecarriage，andI
　　wentwithher:nothingloth，ofcourse，foratchurchImightlookwithoutfearofscornorcensureuponaformandfacemorepleasingtomethanthemostbeautifulofGod'screations；Imightlistenwithoutdisturbancetoavoicemorecharmingthanthesweetestmusictomyears；ImightseemtoholdcommunionwiththatsoulinwhichIfeltsodeeplyinterested，andimbibeitspurestthoughtsandholiestaspirations，withnoalloytosuchfelicityexceptthesecretreproachesofmyconscience，whichwouldtoooftenwhisperthatIwasdeceivingmyownself，andmockingGodwiththeserviceofaheartmorebentuponthecreaturethantheCreator。
　　Sometimes，suchthoughtswouldgivemetroubleenough；butsometimesIcouldquietthemwiththinking-itisnottheman，itishisgoodnessthatIlove。'Whatsoeverthingsarepure，whatsoeverthingsarelovely，whatsoeverthingsarehonestandofgoodreport，thinkonthesethings。'WedowelltoworshipGodinHisworks；andIknownoneoftheminwhichsomanyofHisattributes-somuchofHisownspiritshines，asinthisHisfaithfulservant；whomtoknowandnottoappreciate，wereobtuseinsensibilityinme，whohavesolittleelsetooccupymyheart。
　　Almostimmediatelyaftertheconclusionoftheservice，MissMurrayleftthechurch。Wehadtostandintheporch，foritwasraining，andthecarriagewasnotyetcome。Iwonderedathercomingforthsohastily，forneitheryoungMelthamnorSquireGreenwasthere；
　　butIsoonfounditwastosecureaninterviewwithMr。Westonashecameout，whichhepresentlydid。Havingsalutedusboth，hewouldhavepassedon，butshedetainedhim；firstwithobservationsuponthedisagreeableweather，andthenwithaskingifhewouldbesokindastocomesometimeto-morrowtoseethegranddaughteroftheoldwomanwhokepttheporter'slodge，forthegirlwasillofafever，andwishedtoseehim。Hepromisedtodoso。
　　'Andatwhattimewillyoubemostlikelytocome，Mr。Weston？
　　Theoldwomanwillliketoknowwhentoexpectyou-youknowsuchpeoplethinkmoreabouthavingtheircottagesinorderwhendecentpeoplecometoseethemthanweareapttosuppose。'
　　HerewasawonderfulinstanceofconsiderationfromthethoughtlessMissMurray。Mr。Westonnamedanhourinthemorningatwhichhewouldendeavour，tobethere。Bythistimethecarriagewasready，andthefootmanwaswaiting，withanopenumbrella，toescortMissMurraythroughthechurchyard。Iwasabouttofollow；butMr。
　　Westonhadanumbrellatoo，andofferedmethebenefitofitsshelter，foritwasrainingheavily。
　　'No，thankyou，Idon'tmindtherain，'Isaid。Ialwayslackedcommonsensewhentakenbysurprise。
　　'Butyoudon'tLIKEit，Isuppose？-anumbrellawilldoyounoharmatanyrate，'hereplied，withasmilethatshowedhewasnotoffended；asamanofworsetemperorlesspenetrationwouldhavebeenatsucharefusalofhisaid。Icouldnotdenythetruthofhisassertion，andsowentwithhimtothecarriage；heevenofferedmehishandongettingin:anunnecessarypieceofcivility，butIacceptedthattoo，forfearofgivingoffence。
　　Oneglancehegave，onelittlesmileatparting-itwasbutforamoment；butthereinIread，orthoughtIread，ameaningthatkindledinmyheartabrighterflameofhopethanhadeveryetarisen。
　　'Iwouldhavesentthefootmanbackforyou，MissGrey，ifyou'dwaitedamoment-youneedn'thavetakenMr。Weston'sumbrella，'
　　observedRosalie，withaveryunamiableclouduponherprettyface。
　　'Iwouldhavecomewithoutanumbrella，butMr。Westonofferedmethebenefitofhis，andIcouldnothaverefuseditmorethanIdidwithoutoffendinghim，'repliedI，smilingplacidly；formyinwardhappinessmadethatamusing，whichwouldhavewoundedmeatanothertime。
　　Thecarriagewasnowinmotion。MissMurraybentforwards，andlookedoutofthewindowaswewerepassingMr。Weston。Hewaspacinghomewardsalongthecauseway，anddidnotturnhishead。
　　'Stupidass!'criedshe，throwingherselfbackagainintheseat。
　　'Youdon'tknowwhatyou'velostbynotlookingthisway!'
　　'Whathashelost？'
　　'Abowfromme，thatwouldhaveraisedhimtotheseventhheaven!'
　　Imadenoanswer。Isawshewasoutofhumour，andIderivedasecretgratificationfromthefact，notthatshewasvexed，butthatshethoughtshehadreasontobeso。Itmademethinkmyhopeswerenotentirelytheoffspringofmywishesandimagination。
　　'ImeantotakeupMr。WestoninsteadofMr。Hatfield，'saidmycompanion，afterashortpause，resumingsomethingofherusualcheerfulness。'TheballatAshbyParktakesplaceonTuesday，youknow；andmammathinksitverylikelythatSirThomaswillproposetomethen:suchthingsareoftendoneintheprivacyoftheball-
　　room，whengentlemenaremosteasilyensnared，andladiesmostenchanting。ButifIamtobemarriedsosoon，Imustmakethebestofthepresenttime:IamdeterminedHatfieldshallnotbetheonlymanwhoshalllayhisheartatmyfeet，andimploremetoaccepttheworthlessgiftinvain。'
　　'IfyoumeanMr。Westontobeoneofyourvictims，'saidI，withaffectedindifference，'youwillhavetomakesuchoverturesyourselfthatyouwillfinditdifficulttodrawbackwhenheasksyoutofulfiltheexpectationsyouhaveraised。'
　　'Idon'tsupposehewillaskmetomarryhim，norshouldIdesireit:thatwouldberathertoomuchpresumption!butIintendhimtofeelmypower。Hehasfeltitalready，indeed:butheshallACKNOWLEDGEittoo；andwhatvisionaryhopeshemayhave，hemustkeeptohimself，andonlyamusemewiththeresultofthem-foratime。'
　　'Oh!thatsomekindspiritwouldwhisperthosewordsinhisear，'I
　　inwardlyexclaimed。Iwasfartooindignanttohazardareplytoherobservationaloud；andnothingmorewassaidaboutMr。Westonthatday，bymeorinmyhearing。Butnextmorning，soonafterbreakfast，MissMurraycameintotheschoolroom，wherehersisterwasemployedatherstudies，orratherherlessons，forstudiestheywerenot，andsaid，'Matilda，Iwantyoutotakeawalkwithmeabouteleveno'clock。'
　　'Oh，Ican't，Rosalie!Ihavetogiveordersaboutmynewbridleandsaddle-cloth，andspeaktotherat-catcherabouthisdogs:
　　MissGreymustgowithyou。'
　　'No，Iwantyou，'saidRosalie；andcallinghersistertothewindow，shewhisperedanexplanationinherear；uponwhichthelatterconsentedtogo。
　　IrememberedthatelevenwasthehouratwhichMr。Westonproposedtocometotheporter'slodge；andrememberingthat，Ibeheldthewholecontrivance。Accordingly，atdinner，IwasentertainedwithalongaccountofhowMr。Westonhadovertakenthemastheywerewalkingalongtheroad；andhowtheyhadhadalongwalkandtalkwithhim，andreallyfoundhimquiteanagreeablecompanion；andhowhemusthavebeen，andevidentlywas，delightedwiththemandtheiramazingcondescension，&；c。&；c。
　　chapter17
　　CHAPTERXVII-CONFESSIONS
　　ASIaminthewayofconfessionsImayaswellacknowledgethat，aboutthistime，IpaidmoreattentiontodressthaneverIhaddonebefore。Thisisnotsayingmuch-forhithertoIhadbeenalittleneglectfulinthatparticular；butnow，also，itwasnouncommonthingtospendasmuchastwominutesinthecontemplationofmyownimageintheglass；thoughInevercouldderiveanyconsolationfromsuchastudy。Icoulddiscovernobeautyinthosemarkedfeatures，thatpalehollowcheek，andordinarydarkbrownhair；theremightbeintellectintheforehead，theremightbeexpressioninthedarkgreyeyes，butwhatofthat？-alowGrecianbrow，andlargeblackeyesdevoidofsentimentwouldbeesteemedfarpreferable。Itisfoolishtowishforbeauty。Sensiblepeoplenevereitherdesireitforthemselvesorcareaboutitinothers。
　　Ifthemindbebutwellcultivated，andtheheartwelldisposed，nooneevercaresfortheexterior。Sosaidtheteachersofourchildhood；andsosaywetothechildrenofthepresentday。Allveryjudiciousandproper，nodoubt；butaresuchassertionssupportedbyactualexperience？
　　Wearenaturallydisposedtolovewhatgivesuspleasure，andwhatmorepleasingthanabeautifulface-whenweknownoharmofthepossessoratleast？Alittlegirllovesherbird-Why？
　　Becauseitlivesandfeels；becauseitishelplessandharmless？Atoad，likewise，livesandfeels，andisequallyhelplessandharmless；
　　butthoughshewouldnothurtatoad，shecannotloveitlikethebird，withitsgracefulform，softfeathers，andbright，speakingeyes。Ifawomanisfairandamiable，sheispraisedforbothqualities，butespeciallytheformer，bythebulkofmankind:
　　if，ontheotherhand，sheisdisagreeableinpersonandcharacter，herplainnessiscommonlyinveighedagainstashergreatestcrime，because，tocommonobservers，itgivesthegreatestoffence；while，ifsheisplainandgood，providedsheisapersonofretiredmannersandsecludedlife，nooneeverknowsofhergoodness，exceptherimmediateconnections。Others，onthecontrary，aredisposedtoformunfavourableopinionsofhermind，anddisposition，ifitbebuttoexcusethemselvesfortheirinstinctivedislikeofonesounfavouredbynature；andVISAVERSA
　　withherwhoseangelformconcealsaviciousheart，orshedsafalse，deceitfulcharmoverdefectsandfoiblesthatwouldnotbetoleratedinanother。Theythathavebeauty，letthembethankfulforit，andmakeagooduseofit，likeanyothertalent；theythathaveitnot，letthemconsolethemselves，anddothebesttheycanwithoutit:certainly，thoughliabletobeover-estimated，itisagiftofGod，andnottobedespised。Manywillfeelthiswhohavefeltthattheycouldlove，andwhoseheartstellthemthattheyareworthytobelovedagain；whileyettheyaredebarred，bythelackofthisorsomesuchseemingtrifle，fromgivingandreceivingthathappinesstheyseemalmostmadetofeelandtoimpart。Aswellmightthehumbleglowwormdespisethatpowerofgivinglightwithoutwhichtherovingflymightpassherandrepassherathousandtimes，andneverrestbesideher:shemighthearherwingeddarlingbuzzingoverandaroundher；hevainlyseekingher，shelongingtobefound，butwithnopowertomakeherpresenceknown，novoicetocallhim，nowingstofollowhisflight；-theflymustseekanothermate，thewormmustliveanddiealone。
　　Suchweresomeofmyreflectionsaboutthisperiod。Imightgoonprosingmoreandmore，Imightdivemuchdeeper，anddiscloseotherthoughts，proposequestionsthereadermightbepuzzledtoanswer，anddeduceargumentsthatmightstartlehisprejudices，or，perhaps，provokehisridicule，becausehecouldnotcomprehendthem；butIforbear。
　　Now，therefore，letusreturntoMissMurray。SheaccompaniedhermammatotheballonTuesday；ofcoursesplendidlyattired，anddelightedwithherprospectsandhercharms。AsAshbyParkwasnearlytenmilesdistantfromHortonLodge，theyhadtosetoutprettyearly，andIintendedtohavespenttheeveningwithNancyBrown，whomIhadnotseenforalongtime；butmykindpupiltookcareIshouldspenditneithertherenoranywhereelsebeyondthelimitsoftheschoolroom，bygivingmeapieceofmusictocopy，whichkeptmecloselyoccupiedtillbed-time。Aboutelevennextmorning，assoonasshehadleftherroom，shecametotellmehernews。SirThomashadindeedproposedtoherattheball；aneventwhichreflectedgreatcreditonhermamma'ssagacity，ifnotuponherskillincontrivance。Iratherinclinetothebeliefthatshehadfirstlaidherplans，andthenpredictedtheirsuccess。Theofferhadbeenaccepted，ofcourse，andthebridegroomelectwascomingthatdaytosettlematterswithMr。Murray。
　　RosaliewaspleasedwiththethoughtsofbecomingmistressofAshbyPark；shewaselatedwiththeprospectofthebridalceremonyanditsattendantsplendourandeclat，thehoneymoonspentabroad，andthesubsequentgaietiessheexpectedtoenjoyinLondonandelsewhere；sheappearedprettywellpleasedtoo，forthetimebeing，withSirThomashimself，becauseshehadsolatelyseenhim，dancedwithhim，andbeenflatteredbyhim；but，afterall，sheseemedtoshrinkfromtheideaofbeingsosoonunited:shewishedtheceremonytobedelayedsomemonths，atleast；andIwishedittoo。Itseemedahorriblethingtohurryontheinauspiciousmatch，andnottogivethepoorcreaturetimetothinkandreasonontheirrevocablestepshewasabouttotake。Imadenopretensionto'amother'swatchful，anxiouscare，'butIwasamazedandhorrifiedatMrs。Murray'sheartlessness，orwantofthoughtfortherealgoodofherchild；andbymyunheededwarningsandexhortations，Ivainlystrovetoremedytheevil。MissMurrayonlylaughedatwhatIsaid；andIsoonfoundthatherreluctancetoanimmediateunionarosechieflyfromadesiretodowhatexecutionshecouldamongtheyounggentlemenofheracquaintance，beforeshewasincapacitatedfromfurthermischiefofthekind。Itwasforthiscausethat，beforeconfidingtomethesecretofherengagement，shehadextractedapromisethatIwouldnotmentionawordonthesubjecttoanyone。AndwhenIsawthis，andwhenI
　　beheldherplungemorerecklesslythaneverintothedepthsofheartlesscoquetry，Ihadnomorepityforher。'Comewhatwill，'
　　Ithought，'shedeservesit。SirThomascannotbetoobadforher；
　　andthesoonersheisincapacitatedfromdeceivingandinjuringothersthebetter。'
　　TheweddingwasfixedforthefirstofJune。Betweenthatandthecriticalballwaslittlemorethansixweeks；but，withRosalie'saccomplishedskillandresoluteexertion，muchmightbedone，evenwithinthatperiod；especiallyasSirThomasspentmostoftheinteriminLondon；whitherhewentup，itwassaid，tosettleaffairswithhislawyer，andmakeotherpreparationsfortheapproachingnuptials。Heendeavouredtosupplythewantofhispresencebyaprettyconstantfireofbillets-doux；butthesedidnotattracttheneighbours'attention，andopentheireyes，aspersonalvisitswouldhavedone；andoldLadyAshby'shaughty，sourspiritofreservewithheldherfromspreadingthenews，whileherindifferenthealthpreventedhercomingtovisitherfuturedaughter-in-law；sothat，altogether，thisaffairwaskeptfarcloserthansuchthingsusuallyare。
　　Rosaliewouldsometimesshowherlover'sepistlestome，toconvincemewhatakind，devotedhusbandhewouldmake。Sheshowedmethelettersofanotherindividual，too，theunfortunateMr。
　　Green，whohadnotthecourage，or，assheexpressedit，the'spunk，'topleadhiscauseinperson，butwhomonedenialwouldnotsatisfy:hemustwriteagainandagain。Hewouldnothavedonesoifhecouldhaveseenthegrimaceshisfairidolmadeoverhismovingappealstoherfeelings，andheardherscornfullaughter，andtheopprobriousepithetssheheapeduponhimforhisperseverance。
　　'Whydon'tyoutellhim，atonce，thatyouareengaged？'Iasked。
　　'Oh，Idon'twanthimtoknowthat，'repliedshe。'Ifheknewit，hissistersandeverybodywouldknowit，andthentherewouldbeanendofmy-ahem!And，besides，ifItoldhimthat，hewouldthinkmyengagementwastheonlyobstacle，andthatIwouldhavehimifI
　　werefree；whichIcouldnotbearthatanymanshouldthink，andhe，ofallothers，atleast。Besides，Idon'tcareforhisletters，'sheadded，contemptuously；'hemaywriteasoftenashepleases，andlookasgreatacalfashelikeswhenImeethim；itonlyamusesme。'
　　Meantime，youngMelthamwasprettyfrequentinhisvisitstothehouseortransitspastit；and，judgingbyMatilda'sexecrationsandreproaches，hersisterpaidmoreattentiontohimthancivilityrequired；inotherwords，shecarriedonasanimatedaflirtationasthepresenceofherparentswouldadmit。ShemadesomeattemptstobringMr。Hatfieldoncemoretoherfeet；butfindingthemunsuccessful，sherepaidhishaughtyindifferencewithstillloftierscorn，andspokeofhimwithasmuchdisdainanddetestationasshehadformerlydoneofhiscurate。But，amidallthis，sheneverforamomentlostsightofMr。Weston。Sheembracedeveryopportunityofmeetinghim，triedeveryarttofascinatehim，andpursuedhimwithasmuchperseveranceasifshereallylovedhimandnoother，andthehappinessofherlifedependeduponelicitingareturnofaffection。Suchconductwascompletelybeyondmycomprehension。HadIseenitdepictedinanovel，Ishouldhavethoughtitunnatural；hadIhearditdescribedbyothers，Ishouldhavedeemeditamistakeoranexaggeration；
　　butwhenIsawitwithmyowneyes，andsufferedfromittoo，I
　　couldonlyconcludethatexcessivevanity，likedrunkenness，hardenstheheart，enslavesthefaculties，andpervertsthefeelings；andthatdogsarenottheonlycreatureswhich，whengorgedtothethroat，willyetgloatoverwhattheycannotdevour，andgrudgethesmallestmorseltoastarvingbrother。
　　Shenowbecameextremelybeneficenttothepoorcottagers。Heracquaintanceamongthemwasmorewidelyextended，hervisitstotheirhumbledwellingsweremorefrequentandexcursivethantheyhadeverbeenbefore。Hereby，sheearnedamongthemthereputationofacondescendingandverycharitableyounglady；andtheirencomiumsweresuretoberepeatedtoMr。Weston:whomalsoshehadthusadailychanceofmeetinginoneorotheroftheirabodes，orinhertransitstoandfro；andoften，likewise，shecouldgather，throughtheirgossip，towhatplaceshewaslikelytogoatsuchandsuchatime，whethertobaptizeachild，ortovisittheaged，thesick，thesad，orthedying；andmostskilfullyshelaidherplansaccordingly。Intheseexcursionsshewouldsometimesgowithhersister-whom，bysomemeans，shehadpersuadedorbribedtoenterintoherschemes-sometimesalone，never，now，withme；
　　sothatIwasdebarredthepleasureofseeingMr。Weston，orhearinghisvoiceeveninconversationwithanother:whichwouldcertainlyhavebeenaverygreatpleasure，howeverhurtfulorhoweverfraughtwithpain。Icouldnotevenseehimatchurch:
　　forMissMurray，undersometrivialpretext，chosetotakepossessionofthatcornerinthefamilypewwhichhadbeenmineeversinceIcame；and，unlessIhadthepresumptiontostationmyselfbetweenMr。andMrs。Murray，Imustsitwithmybacktothepulpit，whichIaccordinglydid。
　　Now，also，Ineverwalkedhomewithmypupils:theysaidtheirmammathoughtitdidnotlookwelltoseethreepeopleoutofthefamilywalking，andonlytwogoinginthecarriage；and，astheygreatlypreferredwalkinginfineweather，Ishouldbehonouredbygoingwiththeseniors。'Andbesides，'saidthey，'youcan'twalkasfastaswedo；youknowyou'realwayslaggingbehind。'Iknewthesewerefalseexcuses，butImadenoobjections，andnevercontradictedsuchassertions，wellknowingthemotiveswhichdictatedthem。Andintheafternoons，duringthosesixmemorableweeks，Ineverwenttochurchatall。IfIhadacold，oranyslightindisposition，theytookadvantageofthattomakemestayathome；andoftentheywouldtellmetheywerenotgoingagainthatday，themselves，andthenpretendtochangetheirminds，andsetoffwithouttellingme:somanagingtheirdeparturethatI
　　neverdiscoveredthechangeofpurposetilltoolate。Upontheirreturnhome，ononeoftheseoccasions，theyentertainedmewithananimatedaccountofaconversationtheyhadhadwithMr。Westonastheycamealong。'Andheaskedifyouwereill，MissGrey，'saidMatilda；'butwetoldhimyouwerequitewell，onlyyoudidn'twanttocometochurch-sohe'llthinkyou'returnedwicked。'
　　Allchancemeetingsonweek-dayswerelikewisecarefullyprevented；
　　for，lestIshouldgotoseepoorNancyBrownoranyotherperson，MissMurraytookgoodcaretoprovidesufficientemploymentforallmyleisurehours。Therewasalwayssomedrawingtofinish，somemusictocopy，orsomeworktodo，sufficienttoincapacitatemefromindulginginanythingbeyondashortwalkaboutthegrounds，howeversheorhersistermightbeoccupied。
　　Onemorning，havingsoughtandwaylaidMr。Weston，theyreturnedinhighgleetogivemeanaccountoftheirinterview。'Andheaskedafteryouagain，'saidMatilda，inspiteofhersister'ssilentbutimperativeintimationthatsheshouldholdhertongue。'Hewonderedwhyyouwereneverwithus，andthoughtyoumusthavedelicatehealth，asyoucameoutsoseldom。'
　　'Hedidn'tMatilda-whatnonsenseyou'retalking!'
　　'Oh，Rosalie，whatalie!Hedid，youknow；andyousaid-Don't，Rosalie-hangit!-Iwon'tbepinchedso!And，MissGrey，Rosalietoldhimyouwerequitewell，butyouwerealwayssoburiedinyourbooksthatyouhadnopleasureinanythingelse。'
　　'Whatanideahemusthaveofme!'Ithought。
　　'And，'Iasked，'doesoldNancyeverinquireaboutme？'
　　'Yes；andwetellheryouaresofondofreadinganddrawingthatyoucandonothingelse。'
　　'Thatisnotthecasethough；ifyouhadtoldherIwassobusyI
　　couldnotcometoseeher，itwouldhavebeennearerthetruth。'
　　'Idon'tthinkitwould，'repliedMissMurray，suddenlykindlingup；'I'msureyouhaveplentyoftimetoyourselfnow，whenyouhavesolittleteachingtodo。'
　　Itwasnousebeginningtodisputewithsuchindulged，unreasoningcreatures:soIheldmypeace。Iwasaccustomed，now，tokeepingsilencewhenthingsdistastefultomyearwereuttered；andnow，too，Iwasusedtowearingaplacidsmilingcountenancewhenmyheartwasbitterwithinme。Onlythosewhohavefeltthelikecanimaginemyfeelings，asIsatwithanassumptionofsmilingindifference，listeningtotheaccountsofthosemeetingsandinterviewswithMr。Weston，whichtheyseemedtofindsuchpleasureindescribingtome；andhearingthingsassertedofhimwhich，fromthecharacteroftheman，Iknewtobeexaggerationsandperversionsofthetruth，ifnotentirelyfalse-thingsderogatorytohim，andflatteringtothem-especiallytoMissMurray-whichIburnedtocontradict，or，atleast，toshowmydoubtsabout，butdarednot；lest，inexpressingmydisbelief，Ishoulddisplaymyinteresttoo。OtherthingsIheard，whichIfeltorfearedwereindeedtootrue:butImuststillconcealmyanxietyrespectinghim，myindignationagainstthem，beneathacarelessaspect；
　　others，again，merehintsofsomethingsaidordone，whichIlongedtohearmoreof，butcouldnotventuretoinquire。Sopassedthewearytime。Icouldnotevencomfortmyselfwithsaying，'Shewillsoonbemarried；andthentheremaybehope。'
　　Soonafterhermarriagetheholidayswouldcome；andwhenI
　　returnedfromhome，mostlikely，Mr。Westonwouldbegone，forI
　　wastoldthatheandtheRectorcouldnotagreetheRector'sfault，ofcourse，andhewasabouttoremovetoanotherplace。
　　No-besidesmyhopeinGod，myonlyconsolationwasinthinkingthat，thoughheknowitnot，IwasmoreworthyofhislovethanRosalieMurray，charmingandengagingasshewas；forIcouldappreciatehisexcellence，whichshecouldnot:Iwoulddevotemylifetothepromotionofhishappiness；shewoulddestroyhishappinessforthemomentarygratificationofherownvanity。'Oh，ifhecouldbutknowthedifference!'Iwouldearnestlyexclaim。
　　'Butno!Iwouldnothavehimseemyheart:yet，ifhecouldbutknowherhollowness，herworthless，heartlessfrivolity，hewouldthenbesafe，andIshouldbe-ALMOSThappy，thoughImightneverseehimmore!'
　　Ifear，bythistime，thereaderiswellnighdisgustedwiththefollyandweaknessIhavesofreelylaidbeforehim。Ineverdiscloseditthen，andwouldnothavedonesohadmyownsisterormymotherbeenwithmeinthehouse。Iwasacloseandresolutedissembler-inthisonecaseatleast。Myprayers，mytears，mywishes，fears，andlamentations，werewitnessedbymyselfandheavenalone。
　　Whenweareharassedbysorrowsoranxieties，orlongoppressedbyanypowerfulfeelingswhichwemustkeeptoourselves，forwhichwecanobtainandseeknosympathyfromanylivingcreature，andwhichyetwecannot，orwillnotwhollycrush，weoftennaturallyseekreliefinpoetry-andoftenfindit，too-whetherintheeffusionsofothers，whichseemtoharmonizewithourexistingcase，orinourownattemptstogiveutterancetothosethoughtsandfeelingsinstrainslessmusical，perchance，butmoreappropriate，andthereforemorepenetratingandsympathetic，and，forthetime，moresoothing，ormorepowerfultorouseandtounburdentheoppressedandswollenheart。Beforethistime，atWellwoodHouseandhere，whensufferingfromhome-sickmelancholy，Ihadsoughtrelieftwiceorthriceatthissecretsourceofconsolation；andnowIflewtoitagain，withgreateraviditythanever，becauseIseemedtoneeditmore。Istillpreservethoserelicsofpastsufferingsandexperience，likepillarsofwitnesssetupintravellingthroughthevaleoflife，tomarkparticularoccurrences。Thefootstepsareobliteratednow；thefaceofthecountrymaybechanged；butthepillarisstillthere，toremindmehowallthingswerewhenitwasreared。Lestthereadershouldbecurioustoseeanyoftheseeffusions，Iwillfavourhimwithoneshortspecimen:coldandlanguidasthelinesmayseem，itwasalmostapassionofgrieftowhichtheyowedtheirbeing:-
　　Oh，theyhaverobbedmeofthehopeMyspiritheldsodear；
　　TheywillnotletmehearthatvoiceMysouldelightstohear。
　　TheywillnotletmeseethatfaceIsodelighttosee；
　　Andtheyhavetakenallthysmiles，Andallthylovefromme。
　　Well，letthemseizeonalltheycan；-
　　Onetreasurestillismine，-
　　Aheartthatlovestothinkonthee，Andfeelstheworthofthine。
　　Yes，atleast，theycouldnotdeprivemeofthat:Icouldthinkofhimdayandnight；andIcouldfeelthathewasworthytobethoughtof。NobodyknewhimasIdid；nobodycouldappreciatehimasIdid；nobodycouldlovehimasI-could，ifImight:buttherewastheevil。WhatbusinesshadItothinksomuchofonethatneverthoughtofme？Wasitnotfoolish？wasitnotwrong？
　　Yet，ifIfoundsuchdeepdelightinthinkingofhim，andifIkeptthosethoughtstomyself，andtroublednooneelsewiththem，wherewastheharmofit？Iwouldaskmyself。Andsuchreasoningpreventedmefrommakinganysufficientefforttoshakeoffmyfetters。
　　But，ifthosethoughtsbroughtdelight，itwasapainful，troubledpleasure，toonearakintoanguish；andonethatdidmemoreinjurythanIwasawareof。Itwasanindulgencethatapersonofmorewisdomormoreexperiencewoulddoubtlesshavedeniedherself。
　　Andyet，howdrearytoturnmyeyesfromthecontemplationofthatbrightobjectandforcethemtodwellonthedull，grey，desolateprospectaround:thejoyless，hopeless，solitarypaththatlaybeforeme。Itwaswrongtobesojoyless，sodesponding；IshouldhavemadeGodmyfriend，andtodoHiswillthepleasureandthebusinessofmylife；butfaithwasweak，andpassionwastoostrong。
　　InthistimeoftroubleIhadtwoothercausesofaffliction。
　　Thefirstmayseematrifle，butitcostmemanyatear:Snap，mylittledumb，rough-visaged，butbright-eyed，warm-heartedcompanion，theonlythingIhadtoloveme，wastakenaway，anddeliveredovertothetendermerciesofthevillagerat-catcher，amannotoriousforhisbrutaltreatmentofhiscanineslaves。Theotherwasseriousenough；mylettersfromhomegaveintimationthatmyfather'shealthwasworse。Nobodingfearswereexpressed，butIwasgrowntimidanddespondent，andcouldnothelpfearingthatsomedreadfulcalamityawaitedusthere。Iseemedtoseetheblackcloudsgatheringroundmynativehills，andtoheartheangrymutteringofastormthatwasabouttoburst，anddesolateourhearth。
　　chapter18
　　CHAPTERXVIII-MIRTHANDMOURNING
　　THE1stofJunearrivedatlast:andRosalieMurraywastransmutedintoLadyAshby。Mostsplendidlybeautifulshelookedinherbridalcostume。Uponherreturnfromchurch，aftertheceremony，shecameflyingintotheschoolroom，flushedwithexcitement，andlaughing，halfinmirth，andhalfinrecklessdesperation，asitseemedtome。
　　'Now，MissGrey，I'mLadyAshby!'sheexclaimed。'It'sdone，myfateissealed:there'snodrawingbacknow。I'mcometoreceiveyourcongratulationsandbidyougood-by；andthenI'moffforParis，Rome，Naples，Switzerland，London-oh，dear!whatadealI
　　shallseeandhearbeforeIcomebackagain。Butdon'tforgetme:
　　Ishan'tforgetyou，thoughI'vebeenanaughtygirl。Come，whydon'tyoucongratulateme？'
　　'Icannotcongratulateyou，'Ireplied，'tillIknowwhetherthischangeisreallyforthebetter:butIsincerelyhopeitis；andI
　　wishyoutruehappinessandthebestofblessings。'
　　'Well，good-by，thecarriageiswaiting，andthey'recallingme。'
　　Shegavemeahastykiss，andwashurryingaway；but，suddenlyreturning，embracedmewithmoreaffectionthanIthoughthercapableofevincing，anddepartedwithtearsinhereyes。Poorgirl!Ireallylovedherthen；andforgaveherfrommyheartalltheinjuryshehaddoneme-andothersalso:shehadnothalfknownit，Iwassure；andIprayedGodtopardonhertoo。
　　Duringtheremainderofthatdayoffestalsadness，Iwaslefttomyowndevices。Beingtoomuchunhingedforanysteadyoccupation，Iwanderedaboutwithabookinmyhandforseveralhours，morethinkingthanreading，forIhadmanythingstothinkabout。Intheevening，ImadeuseofmylibertytogoandseemyoldfriendNancyonceagain；toapologizeformylongabsencewhichmusthaveseemedsoneglectfulandunkindbytellingherhowbusyIhadbeen；andtotalk，orread，orworkforher，whichevermightbemostacceptable，andalso，ofcourse，totellherthenewsofthisimportantday:andperhapstoobtainalittleinformationfromherinreturn，respectingMr。Weston'sexpecteddeparture。Butofthissheseemedtoknownothing，andIhoped，asshedid，thatitwasallafalsereport。Shewasverygladtoseeme；but，happily，hereyeswerenowsonearlywellthatshewasalmostindependentofmyservices。Shewasdeeplyinterestedinthewedding；butwhileI