Richoldfarmer，namedHuss。Hasinheritedgreatwealthofmanure，andbydiligencehasaddedtoit。Itisdouble-starredinBaedeker。[1]TheBlackforestartistpaintsit——hismasterpiece。Thekingcomestoseeit。
　　GretchenHuss，daughterandheiress。PaulHoch，youngneighbor，suitorforGretchen'shand——ostensibly；
　　hereallywantsthemanure。Hochhasagoodmanycart-loadsoftheBlackForestcurrencyhimself，andthereforeisagoodcatch；butheissordid，mean，andwithoutsentiment，whereasGretchenisallsentimentandpoetry。
　　HansSchmidt，youngneighbor，fullofsentiment，fullofpoetry，lovesGretchen，Gretchenloveshim。
　　Buthehasnomanure。OldHussforbidshiminthehouse。
　　Hisheartbreaks，hegoesawaytodieinthewoods，farfromthecruelworld——forhesays，bitterly，"Whatisman，withoutmanure?"
　　1。WhenBaedeker'sguide-booksmentionathingandputtwostars**afterit，itmeanswellworthvisiting。
　　M。T。
　　[Intervalofsixmonths。]
　　PaulHochcomestooldHussandsays，"Iamatlastasrichasyourequired——comeandviewthepile。"
　　OldHussviewsitandsays，"Itissufficient——takeherandbehappy，"——meaningGretchen。
　　[Intervaloftwoweeks。]
　　WeddingpartyassembledinoldHuss'sdrawing-room。Hochplacidandcontent，Gretchenweepingoverherhardfate。
　　EnteroldHuss'sheadbookkeeper。Husssaysfiercely，"Igaveyouthreeweekstofindoutwhyyourbooksdon'tbalance，andtoprovethatyouarenotadefaulter；
　　thetimeisup——findmethemissingpropertyoryougotoprisonasathief。"Bookkeeper:"Ihavefoundit。"
　　"Where?"Bookkeepersternly——tragically:"Inthebridegroom'spile!——beholdthethief——seehimblenchandtremble!"
　　[Sensation。]PaulHoch:Lost，lost!"——fallsoverthecowinaswoonandishandcuffed。Gretchen:"Saved!"Fallsoverthecalfinaswoonofjoy，butiscaughtinthearmsofHansSchmidt，whospringsinatthatmoment。OldHuss:
　　"What，youhere，varlet?Unhandthemaidandquittheplace。"
　　Hansstillsupportingtheinsensiblegirl:"Never!Crueloldman，knowthatIcomewithclaimswhichevenyoucannotdespise。"
　　Huss:"What，YOU?namethem。"
　　Hans:"Listenthen。Theworldhasforsakenme，Iforsooktheworld，Iwanderedinthesolitudeoftheforest，longingfordeathbutfindingnone。Ifeduponroots，andinmybitternessIdugforthebitterest，loathingthesweeterkind。Digging，threedaysagone，Istruckamanuremine!——aGolconda，alimitlessBonanza，ofsolidmanure!IcanbuyyouALL，andhavemountainrangesofmanureleft!Ha-ha，NOWthousmilestasmile!"
　　[Immensesensation。]Exhibitionofspecimensfromthemine。
　　OldHussenthusiastically:"Wakeherup，shakeherup，nobleyoungman，sheisyours!"Weddingtakesplaceonthespot；bookkeeperrestoredtohisofficeandemoluments；
　　PaulHochledofftojail。TheBonanzakingoftheBlackForestlivestoagoodoldage，blessedwiththeloveofhiswifeandofhistwenty-sevenchildren，andthestillsweeterenvyofeverybodyaround。
　　WetookournoonmealoffriedtroutonedayatthePlowInn，inaveryprettyvillageOttenho"fen，andthenwentintothepublicroomtorestandsmoke。TherewefoundnineortenBlackForestgrandeesassembledaroundatable。
　　TheyweretheCommonCounciloftheparish。Theyhadgatheredthereateighto'clockthatmorningtoelectanewmember，andtheyhadnowbeendrinkingbeerfourhoursatthenewmember'sexpense。Theyweremenoffiftyorsixtyyearsofage，withgravegood-naturesfaces，andwerealldressedinthecostumemadefamiliartousbytheBlackForeststories；broad，round-toppedblackfelthatswiththebrimscurledupallround；longredwaistcoatswithlargemetalbuttons，blackalpacacoatswiththewaistsupbetweentheshoulders。Therewerenospeeches，therewasbutlittletalk，therewerenofrivolities；
　　theCouncilfilledthemselvesgradually，steadily，butsurely，withbeer，andconductedthemselveswithsedatedecorum，asbecamemenofposition，menofinfluence，menofmanure。
　　Wehadahotafternoontrampupthevalley，alongthegrassybankofarushingstreamofclearwater，pastfarmhouses，water-mills，andnoendofwaysidecrucifixesandsaintsandVirgins。Thesecrucifixes，etc。，aresetupinmemoryofdepartedfriends，bysurvivors，andarealmostasfrequentastelegraph-polesareinotherlands。
　　Wefollowedthecarriage-road，andhadourusualluck；
　　wetraveledunderabeatingsun，andalwayssawtheshadeleavetheshadyplacesbeforewecouldgettothem。
　　Inallourwanderingsweseldommanagedtostrikeapieceofroadatitstimeforbeingshady。Wehadaparticularlyhottimeofitonthatparticularafternoon，andwithnocomfortbutwhatwecouldgetoutofthefactthatthepeasantsatworkawayuponthesteepmountainsidesaboveourheadswereevenworseoffthanwewere。
　　Byandbyitbecameimpossibletoenduretheintolerableglareandheatanylonger；sowestruckacrosstheravineandenteredthedeepcooltwilightoftheforest，tohuntforwhattheguide-bookcalledthe"oldroad。"
　　Wefoundanoldroad，anditprovedeventuallytobetherightone，thoughwefolloweditatthetimewiththeconvictionthatitwasthewrongone。Ifitwasthewrongonetherecouldbenouseinhurrying；thereforewedidnothurry，butsatdownfrequentlyonthesoftmossandenjoyedtherestfulquietandshadeoftheforestsolitudes。
　　Therehadbeendistractionsinthecarriage-road——
　　school-children，peasants，wagons，troopsofpedestrianizingstudentsfromalloverGermany——
　　butwehadtheoldroadtoourselves。
　　Nowandthen，whilewerested，wewatchedthelaboriousantathiswork。Ifoundnothingnewinhim——certainlynothingtochangemyopinionofhim。Itseemstomethatinthematterofintellecttheantmustbeastrangelyoverratedbird。Duringmanysummers，now，Ihavewatchedhim，whenIoughttohavebeeninbetterbusiness，andIhavenotyetcomeacrossalivingantthatseemedtohaveanymoresensethanadeadone。Irefertotheordinaryant，ofcourse；IhavehadnoexperienceofthosewonderfulSwissandAfricanoneswhichvote，keepdrilledarmies，holdslaves，anddisputeaboutreligion。Thoseparticularantsmaybeallthatthenaturalistpaintsthem，butIampersuadedthattheaverageantisasham。
　　Iadmithisindustry，ofcourse；heisthehardest-workingcreatureintheworld——whenanybodyislooking——buthisleather-headednessisthepointImakeagainsthim。
　　Hegoesoutforaging，hemakesacapture，andthenwhatdoeshedo?Gohome?No——hegoesanywherebuthome。
　　Hedoesn'tknowwherehomeis。Hishomemaybeonlythreefeetaway——nomatter，hecan'tfindit。Hemakeshiscapture，asIhavesaid；itisgenerallysomethingwhichcanbeofnosortofusetohimselforanybodyelse；
　　itisusuallyseventimesbiggerthanitoughttobe；
　　hehuntsouttheawkwardestplacetotakeholdofit；
　　heliftsitbodilyupintheairbymainforce，andstarts；
　　nottowardhome，butintheoppositedirection；notcalmlyandwisely，butwithafrantichastewhichiswastefulofhisstrength；hefetchesupagainstapebble，andinsteadofgoingaroundit，heclimbsoveritbackwarddragginghisbootyafterhim，tumblesdownontheotherside，jumpsupinapassion，kicksthedustoffhisclothes，moistenshishands，grabshispropertyviciously，yanksitthisway，thenthat，shovesitaheadofhimamoment，turnstailandlugsitafterhimanothermoment，getsmadderandmadder，thenpresentlyhoistsitintotheairandgoestearingawayinanentirelynewdirection；comestoaweed；
　　itneveroccurstohimtogoaroundit；no，hemustclimbit；
　　andhedoesclimbit，dragginghisworthlesspropertytothetop——whichisasbrightathingtodoasitwouldbeformetocarryasackofflourfromHeidelbergtoParisbywayofStrasburgsteeple；whenhegetsuptherehefindsthatthatisnottheplace；takesacursoryglanceatthesceneryandeitherclimbsdownagainortumblesdown，andstartsoffoncemore——asusual，inanewdirection。
　　Attheendofhalfanhour，hefetchesupwithinsixinchesoftheplacehestartedfromandlayshisburdendown；
　　meantimeheasbeenoverallthegroundfortwoyardsaround，andclimbedalltheweedsandpebbleshecameacross。
　　Nowhewipesthesweatfromhisbrow，strokeshislimbs，andthenmarchesaimlesslyoff，inasviolentlyahurryasever。Hedoesnotremembertohaveeverseenitbefore；
　　helooksaroundtoseewhichisnotthewayhome，grabshisbundleandstarts；hegoesthroughthesameadventureshehadbefore；finallystopstorest，andafriendcomesalong。
　　Evidentlythefriendremarksthatalastyear'sgrasshopperlegisaverynobleacquisition，andinquireswherehegotit。Evidentlytheproprietordoesnotrememberexactlywherehedidgetit，butthinkshegotit"aroundheresomewhere。"Evidentlythefriendcontractstohelphimfreightithome。Then，withajudgmentpeculiarlyanticpunnotintended，thentakeholdofoppositeendsofthatgrasshopperlegandbegintotugwithalltheirmightinoppositedirections。Presentlytheytakearestandconfertogether。Theydecidethatsomethingiswrong，theycan'tmakeoutwhat。Thentheygoatitagain，justasbefore。Sameresult。Mutualrecriminationsfollow。
　　Evidentlyeachaccusestheotherofbeinganobstructionist。
　　Theylockthemselvestogetherandcheweachother'sjawsforawhile；thentheyrollandtumbleonthegroundtillonelosesahornoralegandhastohauloffforrepairs。
　　Theymakeupandgotoworkagaininthesameoldinsaneway，butthecrippledantisatadisadvantage；tugashemay，theotheronedragsoffthebootyandhimattheendofit。
　　Insteadofgivingup，hehangson，andgetshisshinsbruisedagainsteveryobstructionthatcomesintheway。
　　Byandby，whenthatgrasshopperleghasbeendraggedalloverthesameoldgroundoncemore，itisfinallydumpedataboutthespotwhereitoriginallylay，thetwoperspiringantsinspectitthoughtfullyanddecidethatdriedgrasshopperlegsareapoorsortofpropertyafterall，andtheneachstartsoffinadifferentdirectiontoseeifhecan'tfindanoldnailorsomethingelsethatisheavyenoughtoaffordentertainmentandatthesametimevaluelessenoughtomakeanantwanttoownit。
　　ThereintheBlackForest，onthemountainside，Isawanantgothroughwithsuchaperformanceasthiswithadeadspideroffullytentimeshisownweight。
　　Thespiderwasnotquitedead，buttoofargonetoresist。
　　Hehadaroundbodythesizeofapea。Thelittleant——
　　observingthatIwasnoticing——turnedhimonhisback，sunkhisfangsintohisthroat，liftedhimintotheairandstartedvigorouslyoffwithhim，stumblingoverlittlepebbles，steppingonthespider'slegsandtrippinghimselfup，dragginghimbackward，shovinghimbodilyahead，dragginghimupstonessixincheshighinsteadofgoingaroundthem，climbingweedstwentytimeshisownheightandjumpingfromtheirsummits——andfinallyleavinghiminthemiddleoftheroadtobeconfiscatedbyanyotherfoolofanantthatwantedhim。Imeasuredthegroundwhichthisasstraversed，andarrivedattheconclusionthatwhathehadaccomplishedinsideoftwentyminuteswouldconstitutesomesuchjobasthis——relativelyspeaking——foraman；
　　towit:tostraptwoeight-hundred-poundhorsestogether，carrythemeighteenhundredfeet，mainlyovernotaround
　　bouldersaveragingsixfeethigh，andinthecourseofthejourneyclimbupandjumpfromthetopofoneprecipicelikeNiagara，andthreesteeples，eachahundredandtwentyfeethigh；andthenputthehorsesdown，inanexposedplace，withoutanybodytowatchthem，andgoofftoindulgeinsomeotheridioticmiracleforvanity'ssake。
　　Sciencehasrecentlydiscoveredthattheantdoesnotlayupanythingforwinteruse。Thiswillknockhimoutofliterature，tosomeextent。Hedoesnotwork，exceptwhenpeoplearelooking，andonlythenwhentheobserverhasagreen，naturalisticlook，andseemstobetakingnotes。Thisamountstodeception，andwillinjurehimfortheSunday-schools。Hehasnotjudgmentenoughtoknowwhatisgoodtoeatfromwhatisn't。Thisamountstoignorance，andwillimpairtheworld'srespectforhim。
　　Hecannotstrollaroundastumpandfindhiswayhomeagain。
　　Thisamountstoidiocy，andoncethedamagingfactisestablished，thoughtfulpeoplewillceasetolookuptohim，thesentimentalwillceasetofondlehim。
　　Hisvauntedindustryisbutavanityandofnoeffect，sincehenevergetshomewithanythinghestartswith。
　　Thisdisposesofthelastremnantofhisreputationandwhollydestroyshismainusefulnessasamoralagent，sinceitwillmakethesluggardhesitatetogotohimanymore。Itisstrange，beyondcomprehension，thatsomanifestahumbugastheanthasbeenabletofoolsomanynationsandkeepitupsomanyageswithoutbeingfoundout。
　　Theantisstrong，butwesawanotherstrongthing，wherewehadnotsuspectedthepresenceofmuchmuscularpowerbefore。Atoadstool——thatvegetablewhichspringstofullgrowthinasinglenight——hadtornlooseandliftedamattedmassofpineneedlesanddirtoftwiceitsownbulkintotheair，andsupporteditthere，likeacolumnsupportingashed。Tenthousandtoadstools，withtherightpurchase，couldliftaman，Isuppose。
　　Butwhatgoodwoulditdo?
　　Allourafternoon'sprogresshadbeenuphill。Aboutfiveorhalfpastwereachedthesummit，andallofasuddenthedensecurtainoftheforestpartedandwelookeddownintoadeepandbeautifulgorgeandoutoverawidepanoramaofwoodedmountainswiththeirsummitsshininginthesunandtheirglade-furrowedsidesdimmedwithpurpleshade。Thegorgeunderourfeet——calledAllerheiligen——affordedroominthegrassylevelatitsheadforacozyanddelightfulhumannest，shutawayfromtheworldanditsbotherations，andconsequentlythemonksoftheoldtimeshadnotfailedtospyitout；
　　andherewerethebrownandcomelyruinsoftheirchurchandconventtoprovethatpriestshadasfineaninstinctsevenhundredyearsagoinferretingoutthechoicestnooksandcornersinalandaspriestshavetoday。
　　Abighotelcrowdstheruinsalittle，now，anddrivesabrisktradewithsummertourists。Wedescendedintothegorgeandhadasupperwhichwouldhavebeenverysatisfactoryifthetrouthadnotbeenboiled。
　　TheGermansareprettysuretoboilatroutoranythingelseiflefttotheirowndevices。ThisisanargumentofsomevalueinsupportofthetheorythattheyweretheoriginalcolonistsofthewildislandsofthecoastofScotland。Aschoonerladenwithorangeswaswreckedupononeofthoseislandsafewyearsago，andthegentlesavagesrenderedthecaptainsuchwillingassistancethathegavethemasmanyorangesastheywanted。
　　Nextdayheaskedthemhowtheylikedthem。Theyshooktheirheadsandsaid:
　　"Baked，theyweretough；andevenboiled，theywarn'tthingsforahungrymantohankerafter。"
　　Wewentdowntheglenaftersupper。Itisbeautiful——amixtureofsylvanlovelinessandcraggywildness。
　　Alimpidtorrentgoeswhistlingdowntheglen，andtowardthefootofitwindsthroughanarrowcleftbetweenloftyprecipicesandhurlsitselfoverasuccessionoffalls。
　　Afteronepassesthelastofthesehehasabackwardglimpseatthefallswhichisverypleasing——theyriseinaseven-steppedstairwayoffoamyandglitteringcascades，andmakeapicturewhichisascharmingasitisunusual。
　　CHAPTERXXIII
　　[NicodemusDodgeandtheSkeleton]
　　WeweresatisfiedthatwecouldwalktoOppenauinoneday，nowthatwewereinpractice；sowesetoutthenextmorningafterbreakfastdeterminedtodoit。
　　Itwasallthewaydownhill，andwehadtheloveliestsummerweatherforit。Sowesetthepedometerandthenstretchedawayonaneasy，regularstride，downthroughtheclovenforest，drawinginthefragrantbreathofthemorningindeeprefreshingdraughts，andwishingwemightneverhaveanythingtodoforeverbutwalktoOppenauandkeepondoingitandthendoingitoveragain。
　　Now，thetruecharmofpedestrianismdoesnotlieinthewalking，orinthescenery，butinthetalking。
　　Thewalkingisgoodtotimethemovementofthetongueby，andtokeepthebloodandthebrainstirredupandactive；
　　thesceneryandthewoodsysmellsaregoodtobearinuponamananunconsciousandunobtrusivecharmandsolacetoeyeandsoulandsense；butthesupremepleasurecomesfromthetalk。Itisnomatterwhetheronetalkswisdomornonsense，thecaseisthesame，thebulkoftheenjoymentliesinthewaggingofthegladsomejawandtheflappingofthesympatheticear。
　　Andwhatmotleyvarietyofsubjectsacoupleofpeoplewillcasuallyrakeoverinthecourseofaday'stramp!Therebeingnoconstraint，achangeofsubjectisalwaysinorder，andsoabodyisnotlikelytokeeppeggingatasingletopicuntilitgrowstiresome。Wediscussedeverythingweknew，duringthefirstfifteenortwentyminutes，thatmorning，andthenbranchedoutintotheglad，free，boundlessrealmofthethingswewerenotcertainabout。
　　Harrissaidthatifthebestwriterintheworldoncegottheslovenlyhabitofdoublinguphis"haves"hecouldnevergetridofitwhilehelived。Thatistosay，ifamangetsthehabitofsaying"Ishouldhavelikedtohaveknownmoreaboutit"insteadofsayingsimplyandsensibly，"Ishouldhavelikedtoknowmoreaboutit，"
　　thatman'sdiseaseisincurable。HarrissaidthathissortoflapseistobefoundineverycopyofeverynewspaperthathaseverbeenprintedinEnglish，andinalmostallofourbooks。HesaidhehadobserveditinKirkham'sgrammarandinMacaulay。Harrisbelievedthatmilk-teetharecommonerinmen'smouthsthanthose"doubled-uphaves。"[1]
　　1。IdonotknowthattherehavenotbeenmomentsinthecourseofthepresentsessionwhenIshouldhavebeenverygladtohaveacceptedtheproposalofmynoblefriend，andtohaveexchangedpartsinsomeofoureveningsofwork——[FromaSpeechoftheEnglishChancelloroftheExchequer，August，1879。]
　　Thatchangedthesubjecttodentistry。IsaidIbelievedtheaveragemandreadedtooth-pullingmorethanamputation，andthathewouldyellquickerundertheformeroperationthanhewouldunderthelatter。ThephilosopherHarrissaidthattheaveragemanwouldnotyellineithercaseifhehadanaudience。Thenhecontinued:
　　"WhenourbrigadefirstwentintocamponthePotomac，weusedtobebroughtupstanding，occasionally，byanear-splittinghowlofanguish。Thatmeantthatasoldierwasgettingatoothpulledinatent。Butthesurgeonssoonchangedthat；theyinstitutedopen-airdentistry。
　　Thereneverwasahowlafterward——thatis，fromthemanwhowashavingthetoothpulled。Atthedailydentalhourtherewouldalwaysbeaboutfivehundredsoldiersgatheredtogetherintheneighborhoodofthatdentalchairwaitingtoseetheperformance——andhelp；andthemomentthesurgeontookagriponthecandidate'stoothandbegantolift，everyoneofthosefivehundredrascalswouldclaphishandtohisjawandbegintohoparoundononelegandhowlwithallthelungshehad!Itwasenoughtoraiseyourhairtohearthatvariegatedandenormousunanimouscaterwaulburstout!Withsobigandsoderisiveanaudienceasthat，asufferwouldn'temitasoundthoughyoupulledhisheadoff。Thesurgeonssaidthatprettyoftenapatientwascompelledtolaugh，inthemidstofhispangs，butthathadnevercaughtonecryingout，aftertheopen-airexhibitionwasinstituted。"
　　Dentalsurgeonssuggesteddoctors，doctorssuggesteddeath，deathsuggestedskeletons——andso，byalogicalprocesstheconversationmeltedoutofoneofthesesubjectsandintothenext，untilthetopicofskeletonsraisedupNicodemusDodgeoutofthedeepgraveinmymemorywherehehadlainburiedandforgottenfortwenty-fiveyears。
　　WhenIwasaboyinaprinting-officeinMissouri，aloose-jointed，long-legged，tow-headed，jeans-cladcountrifiedcubofaboutsixteenloungedinoneday，andwithoutremovinghishandsfromthedepthsofhistrouserspocketsortakingoffhisfadedruinofaslouchhat，whosebrokenrimhunglimpandraggedabouthiseyesandearslikeabug-eatencabbageleaf，staredindifferentlyaround，thenleanedhishipagainsttheeditor'stable，crossedhismightybrogans，aimedatadistantflyfromacreviceinhisupperteeth，laidhimlow，andsaidwithcomposure:
　　"Whar'stheboss?"
　　"Iamtheboss，"saidtheeditor，followingthiscuriousbitofarchitecturewonderinglyalonguptoitsclock-facewithhiseye。
　　"Don'twantanybodyfurtolearnthebusiness，'tain'tlikely?"
　　"Well，Idon'tknow。Wouldyouliketolearnit?"
　　"Pap'ssopo'hecain'trunmenomo'，soIwanttogitashowsomersifIkin，'taintnodiffuncewhat——I'mstrongandhearty，andIdon'tturnmybackonnokindofwork，hardnursoft。"
　　"Doyouthinkyouwouldliketolearntheprintingbusiness?"
　　"Well，Idon'tre'lyk'yeradurnwhatIDOlearn，so'sIgitachancefurtomakemyway。I'djistassoonlearnprint'n'sanything。"
　　"Canyouread?"
　　"Yes——middlin'。"
　　"Write?"
　　"Well，I'veseedpeoplecouldlayovermethar。"
　　"Cipher?"
　　"Notgoodenoughtokeepstore，Idon'treckon，butupasfurastwelve-times-twelveIain'tnoslouch。
　　'Tothersideofthatiswhatgitsme。"
　　"Whereisyourhome?"
　　"I'mf'moldShelby。"
　　"What'syourfather'sreligiousdenomination?"
　　"Him?Oh，he'sablacksmith。"
　　"No，no——Idon'tmeanhistrade。What'shisRELIGIOUS
　　DENOMINATION?"
　　"OH——Ididn'tunderstandyoubefo'。He'saFreemason。"
　　"No，no，youdon'tgetmymeaningyet。WhatImeanis，doeshebelongtoanyCHURCH?"
　　"NOWyou'retalkin'!Couldn'tmakeoutwhatyouwasa-tryin'
　　togitthroughyo'headnoway。B'longtoaCHURCH!Why，boss，he'sbenthepizenestkindofFree-willBabtis'
　　forfortyyear。Theyain'tnopizenerones'nwhatHEis。
　　Mightygoodman，papis。Everybodysaysthat。Iftheysaidanydiffrunttheywouldn'tsayitwhar_I_wuz——
　　notMUCHtheywouldn't。"
　　"Whatisyourownreligion?"
　　"Well，boss，you'vekindo'gotme，there——andyityouhain'tgotmesomightymuch，nuther。Ithink'tifafellerhe'psanotherfellerwhenhe'sintrouble，anddon'tcuss，anddon'tdonomeanthings，nurnoth'n'
　　heain'nobusinesstodo，anddon'tspelltheSaviour'snamewithalittleg，heain'trunnin'noresks——he'saboutassaiftasheb'longedtoachurch。"
　　"Butsupposehedidspellitwithalittleg——whatthen?"
　　"Well，ifhedoneita-purpose，Ireckonhewouldn'tstandnochance——heOUGHTN'Ttohavenochance，anyway，I'mmostrottencertain'boutthat。"
　　"Whatisyourname?"
　　"NicodemusDodge。"
　　"Ithinkmaybeyou'lldo，Nicodemus。We'llgiveyouatrial，anyway。"
　　"Allright。"
　　"Whenwouldyouliketobegin?"
　　"Now。"
　　So，withintenminutesafterwehadfirstglimpsedthisnondescripthewasoneofus，andwithhiscoatoffandhardatit。
　　Beyondthatendofourestablishmentwhichwasfurthestfromthestreet，wasadesertedgarden，pathless，andthicklygrownwiththebloomyandvillainous"jimpson"
　　weedanditscommonfriendthestatelysunflower。
　　Inthemidstofthismournfulspotwasadecayedandagedlittle"frame"housewithbutoneroom，onewindow，andnoceiling——ithadbeenasmoke-houseagenerationbefore。
　　Nicodemuswasgiventhislonelyandghostlydenasabedchamber。
　　ThevillagesmartiesrecognizedatreasureinNicodemus，rightaway——abutttoplayjokeson。Itwaseasytoseethathewasinconceivablygreenandconfiding。GeorgeJoneshadthegloryofperpetratingthefirstjokeonhim；
　　hegavehimacigarwithafirecrackerinitandwinkedtothecrowdtocome；thethingexplodedpresentlyandsweptawaythebulkofNicodemus'seyebrowsandeyelashes。
　　Hesimplysaid:
　　"Iconsiderthemkindofseeg'yarsdangersome，"——andseemedtosuspectnothing。ThenexteveningNicodemuswaylaidGeorgeandpouredabucketofice-wateroverhim。
　　Oneday，whileNicodemuswasinswimming，TomMcElroy"tied"hisclothes。NicodemusmadeabonfireofTom'sbywayofretaliation。
　　AthirdjokewasplayeduponNicodemusadayortwolater——hewalkedupthemiddleaisleofthevillagechurch，Sundaynight，withastaringhandbillpinnedbetweenhisshoulders。
　　Thejokerspenttheremainderofthenight，afterchurch，inthecellarofadesertedhouse，andNicodemussatonthecellardoortilltowardbreakfast-timetomakesurethattheprisonerrememberedthatifanynoisewasmade，someroughtreatmentwouldbetheconsequence。Thecellarhadtwofeetofstagnantwaterinit，andwasbottomedwithsixinchesofsoftmud。
　　ButIwanderfromthepoint。Itwasthesubjectofskeletonsthatbroughtthisboybacktomyrecollection。
　　Beforeaverylongtimehadelapsed，thevillagesmartiesbegantofeelanuncomfortableconsciousnessofnothavingmadeaveryshiningsuccessoutoftheirattemptsonthesimpletonfrom"oldShelby。"Experimentersgrewscarceandchary。Nowtheyoungdoctorcametotherescue。
　　TherewasdelightandapplausewhenheproposedtoscareNicodemustodeath，andexplainedhowhewasgoingtodoit。
　　Hehadanoblenewskeleton——theskeletonofthelateandonlylocalcelebrity，JimmyFinn，thevillagedrunkard——agrislypieceofpropertywhichhehadboughtofJimmyFinnhimself，atauction，forfiftydollars，undergreatcompetition，whenJimmylayverysickinthetan-yardafortnightbeforehisdeath。Thefiftydollarshadgonepromptlyforwhiskeyandhadconsiderablyhurriedupthechangeofownershipintheskeleton。
　　ThedoctorwouldputJimmyFinn'sskeletoninNicodemus'sbed!
　　Thiswasdone——abouthalfpasttenintheevening。
　　AboutNicodemus'susualbedtime——midnight——thevillagejokerscamecreepingstealthilythroughthejimpsonweedsandsunflowerstowardthelonelyframeden。
　　Theyreachedthewindowandpeepedin。Theresatthelong-leggedpauper，onhisbed，inaveryshortshirt，andnothingmore；hewasdanglinghislegscontentedlybackandforth，andwheezingthemusicof"CamptownRaces"
　　outofapaper-overlaidcombwhichhewaspressingagainsthismouth；byhimlayanewjewsharp，anewtop，andsolidindia-rubberball，ahandfulofpaintedmarbles，fivepoundsof"store"candy，andawell-gnawedslabofgingerbreadasbigandasthickasavolumeofsheet-music。
　　Hehadsoldtheskeletontoatravelingquackforthreedollarsandwasenjoyingtheresult!
　　Justaswehadfinishedtalkingaboutskeletonsandweredriftingintothesubjectoffossils，HarrisandIheardashout，andglancedupthesteephillside。Wesawmenandwomenstandingawayuptherelookingfrightened，andtherewasabulkyobjecttumblingandflounderingdownthesteepslopetowardus。Wegotoutoftheway，andwhentheobjectlandedintheroaditprovedtobeaboy。
　　Hehadtrippedandfallen，andtherewasnothingforhimtodobuttrusttoluckandtakewhatmightcome。
　　Whenonestartstorolldownaplacelikethat，thereisnostoppingtillthebottomisreached。ThinkofpeopleFARMINGonaslantwhichissosteepthatthebestyoucansayofit——ifyouwanttobefastidiouslyaccurate——is，thatitisalittlesteeperthanaladderandnotquitesosteepasamansardroof。Butthatiswhattheydo。
　　SomeofthelittlefarmsonthehillsideoppositeHeidelbergwerestoodup"edgeways。"Theboywaswonderfullyjoltedup，andhisheadwasbleeding，fromcutswhichithadgotfromsmallstonesontheway。
　　HarrisandIgatheredhimupandsethimonastone，andbythattimethemenandwomenhadscampereddownandbroughthiscap。
　　Men，women，andchildrenflockedoutfromneighboringcottagesandjoinedthecrowd；thepaleboywaspetted，andstaredat，andcommiserated，andwaterwasbroughtforhimtodrinkandbathehisbruisesin。
　　Andsuchanotherclatteroftongues!Allwhohadseenthecatastropheweredescribingitatonce，andeachtryingtotalklouderthanhisneighbor；andoneyouthofasuperiorgeniusranalittlewayupthehill，calledattention，tripped，fell，rolleddownamongus，andthustriumphantlyshowedexactlyhowthethinghadbeendone。
　　HarrisandIwereincludedinallthedescriptions；
　　howwewerecomingalong；howHansGrossshouted；
　　howwelookedupstartled；howwesawPetercominglikeacannon-shot；howjudiciouslywegotoutoftheway，andlethimcome；andwithwhatpresenceofmindwepickedhimupandbrushedhimoffandsethimonarockwhentheperformancewasover。Wewereasmuchheroesasanybodyelse，exceptPeter，andweresorecognized；
　　weweretakenwithPeterandthepopulacetoPeter'smother'scottage，andthereweatebreadandcheese，anddrankmilkandbeerwitheverybody，andhadamostsociablegoodtime；andwhenweleftwehadahandshakeallaround，andwerereceivingandshoutingbackLEB'
　　WOHL'suntilaturnintheroadseparatedusfromourcordialandkindlynewfriendsforever。
　　Weaccomplishedourundertaking。AthalfpasteightintheeveningwesteppedintoOppenau，justelevenhoursandahalfoutofAllerheiligen——onehundredandforty-sixmiles。Thisisthedistancebypedometer；
　　theguide-bookandtheImperialOrdinancemapsmakeitonlytenandaquarter——asurprisingblunder，forthesetwoauthoritiesareusuallysingularlyaccurateinthematterofdistances。
　　CHAPTERXXIV
　　[IProtecttheEmpressofGermany]
　　Thatwasathoroughlysatisfactorywalk——andtheonlyonewewereevertohavewhichwasallthewaydownhill。
　　WetookthetrainnextmorningandreturnedtoBaden-Badenthroughfearfulfogsofdust。Everyseatwascrowded，too；
　　foritwasSunday，andconsequentlyeverybodywastakinga"pleasure"excursion。Hot!theskywasanoven——andasoundone，too，withnocracksinittoletinanyair。
　　Anoddtimeforapleasureexcursion，certainly!
　　Sundayisthegreatdayonthecontinent——thefreeday，thehappyday。OnecanbreaktheSabbathinahundredwayswithoutcommittinganysin。
　　WedonotworkonSunday，becausethecommandmentforbidsit；
　　theGermansdonotworkonSunday，becausethecommandmentforbidsit。WerestonSunday，becausethecommandmentrequiresit；theGermansrestonSundaybecausethecommandmentrequiresit。Butinthedefinitionoftheword"rest"liesallthedifference。Withus，itsSundaymeaningis，stayinthehouseandkeepstill；
　　withtheGermansitsSundayandweek-daymeaningsseemtobethesame——resttheTIREDPART，andnevermindtheotherpartsoftheframe；restthetiredpart，andusethemeansbestcalculatedtorestthatparticularpart。
　　Thus:Ifone'sdutieshavekepthiminthehousealltheweek，itwillresthimtobeoutonSunday；ifhisdutieshaverequiredhimtoreadweightyandseriousmatteralltheweek，itwillresthimtoreadlightmatteronSunday；
　　ifhisoccupationhasbusiedhimwithdeathandfuneralsalltheweek，itwillresthimtogotothetheaterSundaynightandputintwoorthreehourslaughingatacomedy；
　　ifheistiredwithdiggingditchesorfellingtreesalltheweek，itwillresthimtoliequietinthehouseonSunday；ifthehand，thearm，thebrain，thetongue，oranyothermember，isfatiguedwithinanition，itisnottoberestedbyaddedaday'sinanition；
　　butifamemberisfatiguedwithexertion，inanitionistherightrestforit。SuchisthewayinwhichtheGermansseemtodefinetheword"rest"；thatistosay，theyrestamemberbyrecreating，recuperating，restoreitsforces。
　　Butourdefinitionislessbroad。WeallrestalikeonSunday——bysecludingourselvesandkeepingstill，whetherthatisthesurestwaytorestthemostofusornot。TheGermansmaketheactors，thepreachers，etc。，workonSunday。Weencouragethepreachers，theeditors，theprinters，etc。，toworkonSunday，andimaginethatnoneofthesinofitfallsuponus；
　　butIdonotknowhowwearegoingtogetaroundthefactthatifitiswrongfortheprintertoworkathistradeonSundayitmustbeequallywrongforthepreachertoworkathis，sincethecommandmenthasmadenoexceptioninhisfavor。WebuyMondaymorning'spaperandreadit，andthusencourageSundayprinting。ButIshallneverdoitagain。
　　TheGermansremembertheSabbath-daytokeepitholy，byabstainingfromwork，ascommanded；wekeepitholybyabstainingfromwork，ascommanded，andbyalsoabstainingfromplay，whichisnotcommanded。
　　PerhapsweconstructivelyBREAKthecommandtorest，becausetherestingwedoisinmostcasesonlyaname，andnotafact。
　　Thesereasoningshavesufficed，inameasure，tomendtherentinmyconsciencewhichImadebytravelingtoBaden-BadenthatSunday。WearrivedintimetofurbishupandgettotheEnglishchurchbeforeservicesbegan。
　　Wearrivedinconsiderablestyle，too，forthelandlordhadorderedthefirstcarriagethatcouldbefound，sincetherewasnotimetolose，andourcoachmanwassosplendidlyliveriedthatwewereprobablymistakenforabraceofstraydukes；whyelsewerewehonoredwithapewalltoourselves，awayupamongtheveryelectattheleftofthechancel?Thatwasmyfirstthought。
　　Inthepewdirectlyinfrontofussatanelderlylady，plainlyandcheaplydressed；athersidesatayoungladywithaverysweetface，andshealsowasquitesimplydressed；butaroundusandaboutuswereclothesandjewelswhichitwoulddoanybody'sheartgoodtoworshipin。
　　Ithoughtitwasprettymanifestthattheelderlyladywasembarrassedatfindingherselfinsuchaconspicuousplacearrayedinsuchcheapapparel；Ibegantofeelsorryforherandtroubledabouther。Shetriedtoseemverybusywithherprayer-bookandherresponses，andunconsciousthatshewasoutofplace，butIsaidtomyself，"Sheisnotsucceeding——thereisadistressedtremulousnessinhervoicewhichbetraysincreasingembarrassment。"
　　PresentlytheSavior'snamewasmentioned，andinherflurryshelostherheadcompletely，androseandcourtesied，insteadofmakingaslightnodaseverybodyelsedid。
　　ThesympatheticbloodsurgedtomytemplesandIturnedandgavethosefinebirdswhatIintendedtobeabeseechinglook，butmyfeelingsgotthebetterofmeandchangeditintoalookwhichsaid，"Ifanyofyoupetsoffortunelaughatthispoorsoul，youwilldeservetobeflayedforit。"
　　Thingswentfrombadtoworse，andIshortlyfoundmyselfmentallytakingtheunfriendedladyundermyprotection。
　　Mymindwaswhollyuponher。Iforgotallaboutthesermon。
　　Herembarrassmenttookstrongerandstrongerholduponher；
　　shegottosnappingthelidofhersmelling-bottle——itmadealoud，sharpsound，butinhertroubleshesnappedandsnappedaway，unconsciousofwhatshewasdoing。
　　Thelastextremitywasreachedwhenthecollection-platebeganitsrounds；themoderatepeoplethrewinpennies，thenoblesandtherichcontributedsilver，butshelaidatwenty-markgoldpieceuponthebook-restbeforeherwithasoundingslap!Isaidtomyself，"Shehaspartedwithallherlittlehoardtobuytheconsiderationoftheseunpityingpeople——itisasorrowfulspectacle。"Ididnotventuretolookaroundthistime；butastheserviceclosed，Isaidtomyself，"Letthemlaugh，itistheiropportunity；
　　butatthedoorofthischurchtheyshallseeherstepintoourfinecarriagewithus，andourgaudycoachmanshalldriveherhome。"
　　Thensherose——andallthecongregationstoodwhileshewalkeddowntheaisle。ShewastheEmpressofGermany!
　　No——shehadnotbeensomuchembarrassedasIhadsupposed。
　　Myimaginationhadgotstartedonthewrongscent，andthatisalwayshopeless；oneissure，then，togostraightonmisinterpretingeverything，clearthroughtotheend。
　　TheyoungladywithherimperialMajestywasamaidofhonor——andIhadbeentakingherforoneofherboarders，allthetime。
　　ThisistheonlytimeIhaveeverhadanEmpressundermypersonalprotection；andconsideringmyinexperience，IwonderIgotthroughwithitsowell。IshouldhavebeenalittleembarrassedmyselfifIhadknownearlierwhatsortofacontractIhadonmyhands。
　　WefoundthattheEmpresshadbeeninBaden-Badenseveraldays。ItissaidthatsheneverattendsanybuttheEnglishformofchurchservice。
　　Ilayabedandreadandrestedfrommyjourney'sfatiguestheremainderofthatSunday，butIsentmyagenttorepresentmeattheafternoonservice，forIneverallowanythingtointerferewithmyhabitofattendingchurchtwiceeverySunday。
　　Therewasavastcrowdinthepublicgroundsthatnighttohearthebandplaythe"Fremersberg。"Thispiecetellsoneoftheoldlegendsoftheregion；howagreatnobleoftheMiddleAgesgotlostinthemountains，andwanderedaboutwithhisdogsinaviolentstorm，untilatlastthefainttonesofamonasterybell，callingthemonkstoamidnightservice，caughthisear，andhefollowedthedirectionthesoundscamefromandwassaved。
　　Abeautifulairranthroughthemusic，withoutceasing，sometimesloudandstrong，sometimessosoftthatitcouldhardlybedistinguished——butitwasalwaysthere；
　　itswunggrandlyalongthroughtheshrillwhistlingofthestorm-wind，therattlingpatteroftherain，andtheboomandcrashofthethunder；itwoundsoftandlowthroughthelessersounds，thedistantones，suchasthethrobbingoftheconventbell，themelodiouswindingofthehunter'shorn，thedistressedbayingsofhisdogs，andthesolemnchantingofthemonks；
　　itroseagain，withajubilantring，andmingleditselfwiththecountrysongsanddancesofthepeasantsassembledintheconventhalltocheeruptherescuedhuntsmanwhileheatehissupper。Theinstrumentsimitatedallthesesoundswithamarvelousexactness。Morethanonemanstartedtoraisehisumbrellawhenthestormburstforthandthesheetsofmimicraincamedrivingby；
　　itwashardlypossibletokeepfromputtingyourhandtoyourhatwhenthefiercewindbegantorageandshriek；
　　anditwasNOTpossibletorefrainfromstartingwhenthosesuddenandcharminglyrealthunder-crasheswereletloose。
　　Isupposethe"Fremersberg"isaverylow-grademusic；
　　Iknow，indeed，thatitMUSTbelow-grademusic，becauseitdelightedme，warmedme，movedme，stirredme，upliftedme，enrapturedme，thatIwasfullofcryallthetime，andmadwithenthusiasm。MysoulhadneverhadsuchascouringoutsinceIwasborn。Thesolemnandmajesticchantingofthemonkswasnotdonebyinstruments，butbymen'svoices；anditroseandfell，androseagaininthatrichconfusionofwarringsounds，andpulsingbells，andthestatelyswingofthatever-presentenchantingair，anditseemedtomethatnothingbuttheverylowestoflow-grademusicCOULDbesodivinelybeautiful。
　　Thegreatcrowdwhichthe"Fremersberg"hadcalledoutwasanotherevidencethatitwaslow-grademusic；foronlythefewareeducateduptoapointwherehigh-grademusicgivespleasure。Ihaveneverheardenoughclassicmusictobeabletoenjoyit。IdisliketheoperabecauseIwanttoloveitandcan't。
　　Isupposetherearetwokindsofmusic——onekindwhichonefeels，justasanoystermight，andanothersortwhichrequiresahigherfaculty，afacultywhichmustbeassistedanddevelopedbyteaching。Yetifbasemusicgivescertainofuswings，whyshouldwewantanyother?
　　Butwedo。Wewantitbecausethehigherandbetterlikeit。Wewantitwithoutgivingitthenecessarytimeandtrouble；soweclimbintothatuppertier，thatdress-circle，byalie；wePRETENDwelikeit。
　　Iknowseveralofthatsortofpeople——andIproposetobeoneofthemmyselfwhenIgethomewithmyfineEuropeaneducation。