首页 >出版文学> A Simpleton>第7章

第7章

  Mrs。StainesandherfriendnowstartedforMorley'sHotel,butwentroundbyRegentStreet,wherebytheygotgluedatPeterRobinson'swindow,andnineotherwindows;anditwasnearlyfiveo'clockwhentheyreachedMorley's。Astheycamenearthedooroftheirsitting-room,Mrs。Stainesheardsomebodylaughingandtalkingtoherhusband。Thelaugh,tohersubtleears,didnotsoundmusicalandgenial,butkeen,satirical,unpleasant;soitwaswithsometimiditysheopenedthedoor,andtheresattheoldchapwiththetwinklingeyes。Bothpartiesstaredateachotheramoment。
  "Why,itisthem,"criedtheoldgentleman。"Ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!"
  Rosacoloredallover,andfeltguiltysomehow,andlookedmiserable。
  "Rosadear,"saidDr。Staines,"thisisourUnclePhilip。"
  "Oh!"saidRosa,andturnedredandpalebyturns;forshehadagreatdesiretopropitiateUnclePhilip。
  "Youwereintheauction-room,sir?"saidMrs。Cole,severely。
  "Iwas,madam。He!he!"
  "Furnishingahouse?"
  "No,ma'am。Igotoadozensalesaweek;butitisnottobuy——I
  enjoythehumors。DidyoueverhearofRobertBurton,ma'am?"
  "No。Yes;agreattraveller,isn'the?DiscoveredtheNile——ortheNiger——orSOMETHING?"
  ThismajesticvaguenessstaggeredoldCrustyatfirst,butherecoveredhisequilibrium,andsaid,"Why,yes,nowIthinkofit,youareright;hehastravelledfartherthanmostofus,forabouttwocenturiesagohevisitedthatbournwhencenotravellerreturns。Well,whenhewasalive——hewasastudentofChristchurch——heusedtogodowntoacertainbridgeovertheIsisandenjoythechaffofthebargemen。Nowtherearenobargemenlefttospeakof;themantleofBobbyBurton'sbargeeshasfallenontheJewsanddemi-semi-Christiansthatbuyandsellfurnitureattheweeklyauctions;thitherIrepairtohearwhatlittlecoarsewitisleftus。UsedtogototheHouseofCommons;buttheyaregettingtoocivilbyhalfformymoney。Besides,characterscomeoutinanauction。Forinstance,onlythisverydayIsawtwoladiesenter,ingorgeousattire,likeheifersdeckedforsacrifice,andreducetheirspoliationtoacertaintybyemployingabrokertobid。Now,whatisabroker?Afellowwhoistobepaidashillinginthepoundforallarticlespurchased。Whatishisinterest,then?Tobuycheap?Clearlynot。Heispaidinproportiontothedearnessofthearticle。"
  Rosa'sfacebegantoworkpiteously。
  "Accordingly,whatdidthebrokerinquestiondo?Hewinkedtoanotherbroker,andthesetwobidagainstoneanother,overtheirvictim'shead,andraneverythingshewantedupatleastahundredpercentabovethevalue。SoopenandtransparentaswindleIhaveseldomseen,eveninanauction-room。Ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!"
  HismirthwasinterruptedbyRosagoingtoherhusband,hidingherheadonhisshoulder,andmeeklycrying。
  Christophercomfortedherlikeaman。"Don'tyoucry,darling,"
  saidhe;"howshouldapurecreaturelikeyouknowthebadnessoftheworldallinamoment?Ifitismywifeyouarelaughingat,UnclePhilip,letmetellyouthisisthewrongplace。I'dratherathousandtimeshaveherassheis,thanarmedwiththecunningandsuspicionsofahardenedoldworldlinglikeyou。"
  "Withallmyheart,"saidUnclePhilip,who,todohimjustice,couldtakeblowsaswellasgivethem;"butwhyemployabroker?
  Whypayascoundrelfivepercenttomakeyoupayahundredpercent?Whypayanoisyfoolafarthingtoopenhismouthforyouwhenyouhavetakenthetroubletobethereyourself,andhavegotamouthofyourowntobiddiscreetlywith?Waseversuchanabsurdity?"Hebegantogetangry。
  "Doyouwanttoquarrelwithme,UnclePhilip?"saidChristopher,firingup;"becausesneeringatmyRosaistheway,andtheonlyway,andthesureway。"
  "Oh,no,"saidRosa,interposing。"UnclePhilipwasright。Iamveryfoolishandinexperienced,butIamnotsovainastoturnfromgoodadvice。Iwillneveremployabrokeragain,sir。"
  UnclePhilipsmiledandlookedpleased。
  Mrs。Colecausedadiversionbytakingleave,andRosafollowedherdown-stairs。OnherreturnshefoundChristophertellinghisuncleallabouttheBijou,andhowhehadtakenitforahundredandthirtypoundsayearandahundredpoundspremium,andUnclePhilipstaringfearfully。
  Atlasthefoundhistongue。"TheBijou!"saidhe。"Why,thatisanametheygavetoalittledeninDearStreet,Mayfair。Youhaven'teverbeenandtakenTHAT!Builtoveramews。"
  Christophergroaned。"Thatistheplace,Ifear。"
  "Whytheownerisafriendofmine;anoldpatient。Stablesstunkhimout。Letittoaman;Iforgethisname。StablesstunkHIM
  out。Hesaid,'Ishallgo。''Youcan't,'saidmyfriend;'youhavetakenalease。''Leasebed——d,'saidtheother;'InevertookYOURhouse;here'squitealargestenchnotspecifiedinyourdescriptionoftheproperty——ITCAN'TBETHESAMEPLACE;'flungtheleaseathishead,andcutlikethewindtoforeignpartslessodoriferous。I'dhavegotyoutheholeforninety;butyouarelikeyourwife——youmustgotoanagent。What!don'tyouknowthatanagentisamanactingforyouwithaninterestopposedtoyours?
  Employinganagent!itislikeaTrojanseekingtheaidofaGreek。
  Youneedn'tcry,Mrs。Staines;yourhusbandhasbeenletindeeperthanyouhave。Now,youareyoungpeoplebeginninglife;I'llgiveyouapieceofadvice。Employotherstodowhatyoucan'tdo,anditmustbedone;butnevertodoanythingyoucandobetterforyourselves!Agent!ThewordisderivedfromaLatinword'agere,'
  todo;andagentsactuptotheiretymology,fortheyinvariablyDO
  thenincompoopthatemploysthem,ordealswiththem,inanymortalway。I'dhavegotyouthatbeastlylittleBijouforninetypoundsayear。"
  UnclePhilipwentawaycrusty,leavingtheyoungcouplefinelymortifiedanddiscouraged。
  Thatdidnotlastverylong。ChristophernotedtheexperienceandUnclePhil'swisdominhisdiary,andthentookhiswifeonhisknee,andcomfortedher,andsaid,"Nevermind;experienceisworthmoney,anditalwayshastobebought。Thosewhocheatuswilldiepoorerthanweshall,ifwearehonestandeconomical。Ihaveobservedthatpeopleareseldomruinedbythevicesofothers;
  thesemayhurtthem,ofcourse;butitisonlytheirownfaultsandfolliesthatcandestroythem。"
  "Ah!Christie,"saidRosa,"youareaman!Oh,thecomfortofbeingmarriedtoAMAN。Amanseesthebestside。Idoadoremen。
  Dearest,Iwillwastenomoreofyourmoney。Iwillgotonomoresales。"
  Christophersawshewasdeeplymortified,andhesaid,quietly,"Onthecontrary,youwillgototheverynext。OnlytakeUnclePhilip'sadvice,employnobroker;andwatchthepricesthingsfetchwhenyouarenotbidding;andkeepcool。"
  Shecaressedhisearswithbothherwhitehands,andthankedhimforgivingheranothertrial。Sothattroublemeltedinthesunshineofconjugallove。
  Notwithstandingtheagent'ssolemnassurance,theBijouwasoutofrepair。Dr。Stainesdetectedinternalodors,aswellasthosethatflowedinfromthemews。Hewasnotthemantolethiswifeperishbymiasma;sohehadthedrainsallup,andactuallyfoundbrickdrains,andacesspool。Hestoppedthatup,andlaiddownnewpipedrains,withagoodfall,andproperlytrapped。Theolddrainswerehidden,afterthemannerofbuilders。Hehadthewholecourseofhisnewdrainsmarkeduponallthefloorstheypassedunder,andhadseveralstonesandboardshingedtofacilitateexaminationatanyperiod。
  Butallthis,withthenecessarycleaning,whitewashing,painting,andpapering,ranawaywithmoney。ThencameRosa'spurchases,which,toheramazement,amountedtoonehundredandninetypounds,andnotacarpet,curtain,orbedamongstthelot。Thentherewasthecarriagehomefromtheauction-room,anexpenseoneavoidsbybuyingatashop,andthebrokerclaimedhisshillinginthepound。
  This,however,Stainesrefused。Themancameandblustered。Rosa,whowasthere,trembled。Then,forthefirsttime,shesawherhusband'sbrowlower;heseemedtransfigured,andlookedterrible。
  "Youscoundrel,"saidhe,"yousetanothervillainlikeyourselftobidagainstyou,andyoubetrayedtheinnocentladythatemployedyou。Icouldindictyouandyourconfederateforaconspiracy。I
  takethegoodsoutofrespectformywife'scredit,butyoushallgainnothingbyswindlingher。Beoff,youheartlessmiscreant,orI'll"——
  "I'lltakethelaw,ifyoudo。"
  "Takeit,then!I'llgiveyousomethingtohowlfor;"andheseizedhimwithagraspsotremendousthatthefellowcriedoutindismay,"Oh!don'thitme,sir;praydon't。"
  Onthisabjectappeal,Stainestorethedooropenwithhislefthand,andspunthebrokeroutintothepassagewithhisright。TwomovementsofthisangryHercules,andthemanwasliterallywhirledoutofsightwitharapidityandswiftnessalmostludicrous;itwaslikeatrickinapantomime。Aclatteronthestairsbetrayedthathehadgonedownthefirstfewstepsinawholesaleandirregularmanner,thoughhehadjustmanagedtokeephisfeet。
  AsforStaines,hestoodtherestillloweringlikethunder,andhiseyeslikehotcoals;buthiswifethrewhertenderarmsaroundhim,andbeggedhimconsolinglynottomind。
  Shewastremblinglikeanaspen。
  "Dearme,"saidChristopher,withaludicrouschangetomarkedpolitenessandrespect,"IforgotYOU,inmyrighteousindignation。"Nexthebecameuxorious。"Didtheyfrightenher,aduck?Sitonmyknee,darling,andpullmyhair,fornotbeingmoreconsiderate——there!there!"
  Thiswasfollowedbythewholeabsurdsoothingprocess,aspractisedbymanlyhusbandsuponquiveringandsomewhathystericalwives,andendedwithaformalapology。"YoumustnotthinkthatI
  ampassionate;onthecontrary,Iamalwayspractisingself-
  government。Mymaximis,Animumregequinisiparetimperat,andthatmeans,Makeyourtemperyourservant,orelseitwillbeyourmaster。Buttoill-usemydearlittlewife——itisunnatural,itismonstrous,itmakesmybloodboil。"
  "Oh,dear!don'tgointoanother。Itisallover。Ican'tbeartoseeyouinapassion;youaresoterrible,sobeautiful。Ah!theyarefinethings,courageandstrength。There'snothingIadmiresomuch。"
  "Why,theyareascommonasdirt。WhatIadmireismodesty,timidity,sweetness;thesensitivecheekthatpalesorblushesataword,thebosomthatquivers,andclingstoafellowwheneveranythinggoeswrong。"
  "Oh,thatiswhatyouadmire,isit?"saidRosadryly。
  "Admireit?"saidChristopher,notseeingthetrap;"Iadoreit。"
  "Then,Christie,dear,youareaSimpleton,thatisall。Andwearemadeforoneanother。"
  Thehousewastobefurnishedandoccupiedassoonaspossible;soMrs。StainesandMrs。Colewenttoanothersale-room。Mrs。StainesrememberedallUnclePhiliphadsaid,andwentplainlydressed;butherfrienddeclinedtosacrificehershowydresstoherfriend'sinterests。Rosathoughtthatalittleunkind,butsaidnothing。
  Inthisauction-roomtheyeasilygotaplaceatthetable,butdidnotfinditheaven;foranumberofsecondhandcarpetswereinthesale,andthese,brimfulofdust,wereallshownonthetable,andthedirtchoked,andpoisonedourfairfriends。Brokerspesteredthem,untilatlastRosa,smartingunderherlateexposure,addressedtheauctioneerquietly,inhersilverytones:"Sir,thesegentlemenareannoyingmebyforcingtheirservicesonme。IdonotintendtobuyatallunlessIcanbeallowedtobidformyself。"
  WhenRosa,blushingandamazedatherownboldness,utteredthesewords,shelittleforesawtheireffect。Shehadtouchedapopularsore。
  "Youarequiteright,madam,"saidarespectabletradesmanoppositeher。"Whatbusinesshavethesedirtyfellows,withoutashillingintheirpockets,togoandforcethemselvesonaladyagainstherwill?"
  "Ithasbeencomplainedofinthepapersagainandagain,"saidanother。
  "What!mayn'tweliveaswellasyou?"retortedabroker。
  "Yes,butnottoforceyourselfonalady。Why,she'dgiveyouinchargeofthepoliceifyoutrieditonoutside。"
  Thentherewasadownrightclamorofdiscussionandchaff。
  Presentlyuprisesveryslowlyacountrymansocolossal,thatitseemedasifhewouldneverhavedonegettingup,andgiveshisexperiences。Heinformedthecompany,inabroadYorkshiredialect,thathedidabitinfurniture,andatfirststartingthesebrokersbuzzedabouthimlikeflies,andpesteredhim。"Aahdamned'emprettyhard,"saidhe,"buttheydidn'theedany。Sothenahspoke'emcivil,andahsaid,'Well,lads,IdinnacomefraYorkshiretositlikeadummyandletyoubuywi'mybrass;thefirstthatpestersmeagainah'lljustfellhimont'plaace,likeacaulf,andah'mnotverysurehe'llgetupagaininahurry。'Sotheydroppedmelikeahotpotato;neverpesteredmeagain。Butiftheywon'tgiveoverpesteringyou,mistress,ah'llcomeroundandjuststandbehindyourchair,andbringnievewithme,"showingafistlikealegofmutton。
  "No,no,"saidtheauctioneer,"thatwillnotdo。Iwillhavenodisturbancehere。Callthepoliceman。"
  Whiletheclerkwenttothedoorforthebobby,agentlemanremindedtheauctioneerthatthejournalshadrepeatedlydrawnattentiontothenuisance。
  "Faultofthepublic,notmine,sir。Policeman,standbehindthatlady'schair,andifanybodyannoysherputhimquietlyintothestreet。"
  "Thisauction-roomwillbetoletsoon,"saidavoiceattheendofthetable。
  "Thisauction-room,"saidtheauctioneer,masterofthegayorgraveatamoment'snotice,"issupportedbythepublicandthetrade;itisnotsupportedbypaupers。"
  AJewupholstererputinhisword。"Idomyownbusiness;butI
  liketoletapoormanlive。"
  "Jonathan,"saidtheauctioneertooneofhisservants,"afterthissaleyoumayputuptheshutters;wehavegoneandoffendedMr。
  Jacobs。HekeepsashopinBlindAlley,Whitechapel。Nowthen,lot69。"
  Rosabidtimidlyforoneortwolots,andboughtthemcheap。
  Theauctioneerkeptlookingherway,andshehadonlytonod。
  Theobnoxiousbrokergotoppositeher,andranherupalittleoutofspite;butashehadonlygothalfacrownabouthim,andnomeansofdoublingit,hedarednotgofar。
  OntheothersideofthetablewasafiguretowhichRosa'seyesoftenturnedwithinterest——afairyoungboyabouttwelveyearsold;hehadgoldenhair,andwasindeepmourning。HisappearanceinterestedRosa,andshewonderedhowhecamethere,andwhy;helookedlikealambwedgedinamongwolves,afloweramongweeds。
  Asthelotsproceeded,theboyseemedtogetuneasy;andatlast,whenlot'73wasputup,anybodycouldseeinhispoorlittlefacethathewastheretobidforit。
  "Lot'73,anarmchaircoveredinmorocco。Anexcellentandusefularticle。ShouldnotbeatallsurprisedifitwasmadebyGillow。"
  "Gillowwouldthough,"saidJacobs,whoowedhimaturn。
  Chorusofdealers——"Haw!haw!"
  Theauctioneer——"Iliketohearsomepeoplerunalotdown;showstheyaregoingtobidforitinearnest。Well,nameyourownprice。Fivepoundstobegin?"
  Nowifnobodyhadspokentheauctioneerwouldhavegoneon,"Well,fourpoundsthen——three,two,whateveryoulike,"andatlastobtainedabonafideofferofthirtyshillings;butthemomenthesaid"Fivepoundstobegin,"theboyinblacklifteduphischildishtrebleandbidthus,"Fivepoundten"——"sixpounds"——"sixpoundten"——"sevenpounds"——"sevenpoundten"——"eightpounds"——
  "eightpoundten"——"ninepounds"——"ninepoundten"——"tenpounds!"
  withoutinterruption,andindeedalmostinabreath。
  Therewasamomentarypauseofamazement,andthenanoutburstofchaff。
  "Nicelittleboy!"
  "Didn'thesayhislessonwell?"
  "Favoruswithyourcard,sir。Youareagentasknowshowtobuy。"
  "Whatdidhestopfor?Ifit'sworthten,itisworthahundred。"
  "Blessthechild!"saidafemaledealer,kindly,"whatmadeyougoonlikethat?Why,therewasnoonebidagainstyou!you'dhavegotitfortwopounds——aricketyoldthing。"
  Youngmasterbegantowhimper。"Why,thegentlemansaid,'FivepoundstoBEGIN。'Itwasthechairpoorgrandpapaalwayssatin,andallthethingsaresold,andmammasaiditwouldbreakherhearttoloseit。Shewastooilltocome,soshesentme。ShetoldmeIwasnottoletitbesoldawayfromusforlessthantenpounds,orshesh——shouldbem——m——miserable,"andthepoorlittlefellowbegantocry。Rosafollowedsuitpromptlybutunobtrusively。
  "Sentimentalwayscostsmoney,"saidMr。Jacobs,gravely。
  "Howdoyouknow?"askedMr。Cohen。"HaveYOUgotanyonhand?I
  neverseennoneatyourshop。"
  Sometemptingthingsnowcameup,andMrs。Stainesbidfreely;butallofasuddenshelookeddownthetable,andtherewasUnclePhilip,twinklingasbefore。"Oh,dear!whatamIdoingnow!"
  thoughtshe。"Ihavegotnobroker。"
  Shebidon,butinfearandtrembling,becauseofthosetwinklingeyes。Atlastshemusteredcourage,wroteonaleafofherpocket-
  book,andpasseditdowntohim:"Itwouldbeonlykindtowarnme。
  WhatamIdoingwrong?"
  Hesentherbackalinedirectly:"Auctioneerrunningyouuphimself。Followhiseyewhenhebids;youwillseethereisnobonafidebidderatyourprices。"
  Rosadidso,andfoundthatitwastrue。
  ShenoddedtoUnclePhilip;and,withherexpressiveface,askedhimwhatsheshoulddo。
  Theoldboymusthavehisjoke。Sohewroteback:"Tellhim,asyouseehehasafancyforcertainarticles,youwouldnotbesodiscourteousastobidagainsthim。"
  Thenextarticlebutonewasadrawing-roomsuiteRosawanted;buttheauctioneerbidagainsther;soateighteenpoundsshestopped。
  "Itisagainstyou,madam,"saidtheauctioneer。
  "Yes,sir,"saidRosa;"butasyouaretheonlybidder,andyouhavebeensokindtome,Iwouldnotthinkofopposingyou。"
  Thewordswerescarcelyoutofhermouth,whentheyweregreetedwitharoarofHomericlaughterthatliterallyshooktheroom,andthistimenotattheexpenseoftheinnocentspeaker。
  "That'sintoyourmutton,governor。"
  "Sharp'sthewordthistime。"
  "Isay,governor,don'tyouwantabrokertobidforye?"
  "Winkatmenexttime,sir;I'lldotheofficeforyou。"
  "Nogreenhornsleftnow。"
  "Thatladywon'tgiveaten-pundnoteforhergrandfather'sarmchair。"
  "Oh,yes,shewill,ifit'sstuffedwithbanknotes。"
  "Putthenextlotupwiththeowner'snameandthereserveprice。
  Openbusiness。"
  "Andsingapsalmatstarting。"
  "AlittlelessnoiseinJudaea,ifyouplease,"saidtheauctioneer,whohadnowrecoveredfromtheblow。"Lot97。"
  Thiswasaveryprettymarqueteriecabinet;itstoodagainstthewall,andRosahadsetherheartuponit。Nobodywouldbid。Shehadmuzzledtheauctioneereffectually。
  "Yourownprice。"
  "Twopounds,"saidRosa。
  Adealerofferedguineas;anditadvancedslowlytofourpoundsandhalfacrown,atwhichitwasabouttobeknockeddowntoRosa,whensuddenlyanewbidderaroseinthebrokerRosahadrejected。
  Theybidslowlyandsturdilyagainsteachother,untilalinewasgiventoRosafromUnclePhilip。
  "Thistimeitisyourownfriend,thesnipe-nosedwoman。Shetelegraphedabroker。"
  Rosaread,andcrushedthenote。"Sixguineas,"saidshe。
  "Six-ten。"
  "Seven。"
  "Seven-ten。"
  "Eight。"
  "Eight-ten。"
  "Tenguineas,"saidRosa;andthen,withfemininecunning,stealingasuddenglance,caughtherfriendleaningbackandsignallingthebrokernottogivein。
  "Elevenpounds。"
  "Twelve。"
  "Thirteen。"
  "Fourteen。"
  "Sixteen。"
  "Eighteen。"
  "Twenty。"
  "Twentyguineas。"
  "Itisyours,myfaithfulfriend,"saidRosa,turningsuddenlyroundtoMrs。Cole,withamagnificentglancenoonewouldhavethoughthercapableof。
  Thensheroseandstalkedaway。
  Dumfoundedforthemoment,Mrs。Colefollowedher,andstoppedheratthedoor。
  "Why,Rosiedear,itistheonlythingIhavebidfor。ThereI'vesatbyyoursidelikeamouse。"
  Rosaturnedgravelytowardsher。"Youknowitisnotthat。Youhadonlytotellmeyouwantedit。Iwouldneverhavebeensomeanastobidagainstyou。"
  "Mean,indeed!"said。Florence,tossingherhead。
  "Yes,mean;todrawbackandhidebehindthefriendyouwerewith,andemploytheveryrogueshehadturnedoff。Butitismyownfault。Ceciliawarnedmeagainstyou。Shealwayssaidyouwereatreacherousgirl。"
  "AndIsayyouareanimpudentlittleminx。Onlyjustmarried,andgoingaboutliketwovagabonds,andtalktomelikethat!"
  "Wearenotgoingaboutliketwovagabonds。WehavetakenahouseinMayfair。"
  "Sayastable。"
  "Itwasbyyouradvice,youfalse-heartedcreature。"
  "Youareafool。"
  "Youareworse;youareatraitress。"
  "Thendon'tyouhaveanythingtodowithme。"
  "HeavenforbidIshould,youtreacherousthing!"
  "Youinsolent——insolent——Ihateyou。"
  "AndIdespiseyou。"
  "Ialwayshatedyouatbottom。"
  "That'swhyyoupretendedtoloveme,youwretch。"
  "Well,Ipretendnomore。Iamyourenemyforlife。"
  "Thankyou。Youhavetoldthetruthforonceinyourlife。"
  "Ihave。Andheshallnevercallinyourhusband;soyoumayleaveMayfairassoonasyoulike。"
  "Nottopleaseyou,madam。Wecangetonwithouttraitors。"
  Andsotheyparted,witheyesthatgleamedliketigers。
  Rosadrovehomeingreatagitation,andtriedtotellChristopher;
  butchoked,andbecamehysterical。Thehusband-physiciancoaxedandscoldedheroutofthat;andpresentlyincameUnclePhilip,fullofthehumorsoftheauction-room。HetoldaboutthelittleboywithadelightthatdisgustedMrs。Staines,andthenwasparticularlymerryonfemalefriendships。"Fancyamangoingtoasalewithhisfriend,andbiddingagainsthimonthesly。"
  "Sheisnofriendofmine。Weareenemiesforlife。"
  "Andyouweretobefriendstilldeath,"saidStaines,withasigh。
  Philipinquiredwhoshewas。
  "Mrs。JohnCole。"