Mrs。StainesandherfriendnowstartedforMorley'sHotel,butwentroundbyRegentStreet,wherebytheygotgluedatPeterRobinson'swindow,andnineotherwindows;anditwasnearlyfiveo'clockwhentheyreachedMorley's。Astheycamenearthedooroftheirsitting-room,Mrs。Stainesheardsomebodylaughingandtalkingtoherhusband。Thelaugh,tohersubtleears,didnotsoundmusicalandgenial,butkeen,satirical,unpleasant;soitwaswithsometimiditysheopenedthedoor,andtheresattheoldchapwiththetwinklingeyes。Bothpartiesstaredateachotheramoment。
"Why,itisthem,"criedtheoldgentleman。"Ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!"
Rosacoloredallover,andfeltguiltysomehow,andlookedmiserable。
"Rosadear,"saidDr。Staines,"thisisourUnclePhilip。"
"Oh!"saidRosa,andturnedredandpalebyturns;forshehadagreatdesiretopropitiateUnclePhilip。
"Youwereintheauction-room,sir?"saidMrs。Cole,severely。
"Iwas,madam。He!he!"
"Furnishingahouse?"
"No,ma'am。Igotoadozensalesaweek;butitisnottobuy——I
enjoythehumors。DidyoueverhearofRobertBurton,ma'am?"
"No。Yes;agreattraveller,isn'the?DiscoveredtheNile——ortheNiger——orSOMETHING?"
ThismajesticvaguenessstaggeredoldCrustyatfirst,butherecoveredhisequilibrium,andsaid,"Why,yes,nowIthinkofit,youareright;hehastravelledfartherthanmostofus,forabouttwocenturiesagohevisitedthatbournwhencenotravellerreturns。Well,whenhewasalive——hewasastudentofChristchurch——heusedtogodowntoacertainbridgeovertheIsisandenjoythechaffofthebargemen。Nowtherearenobargemenlefttospeakof;themantleofBobbyBurton'sbargeeshasfallenontheJewsanddemi-semi-Christiansthatbuyandsellfurnitureattheweeklyauctions;thitherIrepairtohearwhatlittlecoarsewitisleftus。UsedtogototheHouseofCommons;buttheyaregettingtoocivilbyhalfformymoney。Besides,characterscomeoutinanauction。Forinstance,onlythisverydayIsawtwoladiesenter,ingorgeousattire,likeheifersdeckedforsacrifice,andreducetheirspoliationtoacertaintybyemployingabrokertobid。Now,whatisabroker?Afellowwhoistobepaidashillinginthepoundforallarticlespurchased。Whatishisinterest,then?Tobuycheap?Clearlynot。Heispaidinproportiontothedearnessofthearticle。"
Rosa'sfacebegantoworkpiteously。
"Accordingly,whatdidthebrokerinquestiondo?Hewinkedtoanotherbroker,andthesetwobidagainstoneanother,overtheirvictim'shead,andraneverythingshewantedupatleastahundredpercentabovethevalue。SoopenandtransparentaswindleIhaveseldomseen,eveninanauction-room。Ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!"
HismirthwasinterruptedbyRosagoingtoherhusband,hidingherheadonhisshoulder,andmeeklycrying。
Christophercomfortedherlikeaman。"Don'tyoucry,darling,"
saidhe;"howshouldapurecreaturelikeyouknowthebadnessoftheworldallinamoment?Ifitismywifeyouarelaughingat,UnclePhilip,letmetellyouthisisthewrongplace。I'dratherathousandtimeshaveherassheis,thanarmedwiththecunningandsuspicionsofahardenedoldworldlinglikeyou。"
"Withallmyheart,"saidUnclePhilip,who,todohimjustice,couldtakeblowsaswellasgivethem;"butwhyemployabroker?
Whypayascoundrelfivepercenttomakeyoupayahundredpercent?Whypayanoisyfoolafarthingtoopenhismouthforyouwhenyouhavetakenthetroubletobethereyourself,andhavegotamouthofyourowntobiddiscreetlywith?Waseversuchanabsurdity?"Hebegantogetangry。
"Doyouwanttoquarrelwithme,UnclePhilip?"saidChristopher,firingup;"becausesneeringatmyRosaistheway,andtheonlyway,andthesureway。"
"Oh,no,"saidRosa,interposing。"UnclePhilipwasright。Iamveryfoolishandinexperienced,butIamnotsovainastoturnfromgoodadvice。Iwillneveremployabrokeragain,sir。"
UnclePhilipsmiledandlookedpleased。
Mrs。Colecausedadiversionbytakingleave,andRosafollowedherdown-stairs。OnherreturnshefoundChristophertellinghisuncleallabouttheBijou,andhowhehadtakenitforahundredandthirtypoundsayearandahundredpoundspremium,andUnclePhilipstaringfearfully。
Atlasthefoundhistongue。"TheBijou!"saidhe。"Why,thatisanametheygavetoalittledeninDearStreet,Mayfair。Youhaven'teverbeenandtakenTHAT!Builtoveramews。"
Christophergroaned。"Thatistheplace,Ifear。"
"Whytheownerisafriendofmine;anoldpatient。Stablesstunkhimout。Letittoaman;Iforgethisname。StablesstunkHIM
out。Hesaid,'Ishallgo。''Youcan't,'saidmyfriend;'youhavetakenalease。''Leasebed——d,'saidtheother;'InevertookYOURhouse;here'squitealargestenchnotspecifiedinyourdescriptionoftheproperty——ITCAN'TBETHESAMEPLACE;'flungtheleaseathishead,andcutlikethewindtoforeignpartslessodoriferous。I'dhavegotyoutheholeforninety;butyouarelikeyourwife——youmustgotoanagent。What!don'tyouknowthatanagentisamanactingforyouwithaninterestopposedtoyours?
Employinganagent!itislikeaTrojanseekingtheaidofaGreek。
Youneedn'tcry,Mrs。Staines;yourhusbandhasbeenletindeeperthanyouhave。Now,youareyoungpeoplebeginninglife;I'llgiveyouapieceofadvice。Employotherstodowhatyoucan'tdo,anditmustbedone;butnevertodoanythingyoucandobetterforyourselves!Agent!ThewordisderivedfromaLatinword'agere,'
todo;andagentsactuptotheiretymology,fortheyinvariablyDO
thenincompoopthatemploysthem,ordealswiththem,inanymortalway。I'dhavegotyouthatbeastlylittleBijouforninetypoundsayear。"
UnclePhilipwentawaycrusty,leavingtheyoungcouplefinelymortifiedanddiscouraged。
Thatdidnotlastverylong。ChristophernotedtheexperienceandUnclePhil'swisdominhisdiary,andthentookhiswifeonhisknee,andcomfortedher,andsaid,"Nevermind;experienceisworthmoney,anditalwayshastobebought。Thosewhocheatuswilldiepoorerthanweshall,ifwearehonestandeconomical。Ihaveobservedthatpeopleareseldomruinedbythevicesofothers;
thesemayhurtthem,ofcourse;butitisonlytheirownfaultsandfolliesthatcandestroythem。"
"Ah!Christie,"saidRosa,"youareaman!Oh,thecomfortofbeingmarriedtoAMAN。Amanseesthebestside。Idoadoremen。
Dearest,Iwillwastenomoreofyourmoney。Iwillgotonomoresales。"
Christophersawshewasdeeplymortified,andhesaid,quietly,"Onthecontrary,youwillgototheverynext。OnlytakeUnclePhilip'sadvice,employnobroker;andwatchthepricesthingsfetchwhenyouarenotbidding;andkeepcool。"
Shecaressedhisearswithbothherwhitehands,andthankedhimforgivingheranothertrial。Sothattroublemeltedinthesunshineofconjugallove。
Notwithstandingtheagent'ssolemnassurance,theBijouwasoutofrepair。Dr。Stainesdetectedinternalodors,aswellasthosethatflowedinfromthemews。Hewasnotthemantolethiswifeperishbymiasma;sohehadthedrainsallup,andactuallyfoundbrickdrains,andacesspool。Hestoppedthatup,andlaiddownnewpipedrains,withagoodfall,andproperlytrapped。Theolddrainswerehidden,afterthemannerofbuilders。Hehadthewholecourseofhisnewdrainsmarkeduponallthefloorstheypassedunder,andhadseveralstonesandboardshingedtofacilitateexaminationatanyperiod。
Butallthis,withthenecessarycleaning,whitewashing,painting,andpapering,ranawaywithmoney。ThencameRosa'spurchases,which,toheramazement,amountedtoonehundredandninetypounds,andnotacarpet,curtain,orbedamongstthelot。Thentherewasthecarriagehomefromtheauction-room,anexpenseoneavoidsbybuyingatashop,andthebrokerclaimedhisshillinginthepound。
This,however,Stainesrefused。Themancameandblustered。Rosa,whowasthere,trembled。Then,forthefirsttime,shesawherhusband'sbrowlower;heseemedtransfigured,andlookedterrible。
"Youscoundrel,"saidhe,"yousetanothervillainlikeyourselftobidagainstyou,andyoubetrayedtheinnocentladythatemployedyou。Icouldindictyouandyourconfederateforaconspiracy。I
takethegoodsoutofrespectformywife'scredit,butyoushallgainnothingbyswindlingher。Beoff,youheartlessmiscreant,orI'll"——
"I'lltakethelaw,ifyoudo。"
"Takeit,then!I'llgiveyousomethingtohowlfor;"andheseizedhimwithagraspsotremendousthatthefellowcriedoutindismay,"Oh!don'thitme,sir;praydon't。"
Onthisabjectappeal,Stainestorethedooropenwithhislefthand,andspunthebrokeroutintothepassagewithhisright。TwomovementsofthisangryHercules,andthemanwasliterallywhirledoutofsightwitharapidityandswiftnessalmostludicrous;itwaslikeatrickinapantomime。Aclatteronthestairsbetrayedthathehadgonedownthefirstfewstepsinawholesaleandirregularmanner,thoughhehadjustmanagedtokeephisfeet。
AsforStaines,hestoodtherestillloweringlikethunder,andhiseyeslikehotcoals;buthiswifethrewhertenderarmsaroundhim,andbeggedhimconsolinglynottomind。
Shewastremblinglikeanaspen。
"Dearme,"saidChristopher,withaludicrouschangetomarkedpolitenessandrespect,"IforgotYOU,inmyrighteousindignation。"Nexthebecameuxorious。"Didtheyfrightenher,aduck?Sitonmyknee,darling,andpullmyhair,fornotbeingmoreconsiderate——there!there!"
Thiswasfollowedbythewholeabsurdsoothingprocess,aspractisedbymanlyhusbandsuponquiveringandsomewhathystericalwives,andendedwithaformalapology。"YoumustnotthinkthatI
ampassionate;onthecontrary,Iamalwayspractisingself-
government。Mymaximis,Animumregequinisiparetimperat,andthatmeans,Makeyourtemperyourservant,orelseitwillbeyourmaster。Buttoill-usemydearlittlewife——itisunnatural,itismonstrous,itmakesmybloodboil。"
"Oh,dear!don'tgointoanother。Itisallover。Ican'tbeartoseeyouinapassion;youaresoterrible,sobeautiful。Ah!theyarefinethings,courageandstrength。There'snothingIadmiresomuch。"
"Why,theyareascommonasdirt。WhatIadmireismodesty,timidity,sweetness;thesensitivecheekthatpalesorblushesataword,thebosomthatquivers,andclingstoafellowwheneveranythinggoeswrong。"
"Oh,thatiswhatyouadmire,isit?"saidRosadryly。
"Admireit?"saidChristopher,notseeingthetrap;"Iadoreit。"
"Then,Christie,dear,youareaSimpleton,thatisall。Andwearemadeforoneanother。"
Thehousewastobefurnishedandoccupiedassoonaspossible;soMrs。StainesandMrs。Colewenttoanothersale-room。Mrs。StainesrememberedallUnclePhiliphadsaid,andwentplainlydressed;butherfrienddeclinedtosacrificehershowydresstoherfriend'sinterests。Rosathoughtthatalittleunkind,butsaidnothing。
Inthisauction-roomtheyeasilygotaplaceatthetable,butdidnotfinditheaven;foranumberofsecondhandcarpetswereinthesale,andthese,brimfulofdust,wereallshownonthetable,andthedirtchoked,andpoisonedourfairfriends。Brokerspesteredthem,untilatlastRosa,smartingunderherlateexposure,addressedtheauctioneerquietly,inhersilverytones:"Sir,thesegentlemenareannoyingmebyforcingtheirservicesonme。IdonotintendtobuyatallunlessIcanbeallowedtobidformyself。"
WhenRosa,blushingandamazedatherownboldness,utteredthesewords,shelittleforesawtheireffect。Shehadtouchedapopularsore。
"Youarequiteright,madam,"saidarespectabletradesmanoppositeher。"Whatbusinesshavethesedirtyfellows,withoutashillingintheirpockets,togoandforcethemselvesonaladyagainstherwill?"
"Ithasbeencomplainedofinthepapersagainandagain,"saidanother。
"What!mayn'tweliveaswellasyou?"retortedabroker。
"Yes,butnottoforceyourselfonalady。Why,she'dgiveyouinchargeofthepoliceifyoutrieditonoutside。"
Thentherewasadownrightclamorofdiscussionandchaff。
Presentlyuprisesveryslowlyacountrymansocolossal,thatitseemedasifhewouldneverhavedonegettingup,andgiveshisexperiences。Heinformedthecompany,inabroadYorkshiredialect,thathedidabitinfurniture,andatfirststartingthesebrokersbuzzedabouthimlikeflies,andpesteredhim。"Aahdamned'emprettyhard,"saidhe,"buttheydidn'theedany。Sothenahspoke'emcivil,andahsaid,'Well,lads,IdinnacomefraYorkshiretositlikeadummyandletyoubuywi'mybrass;thefirstthatpestersmeagainah'lljustfellhimont'plaace,likeacaulf,andah'mnotverysurehe'llgetupagaininahurry。'Sotheydroppedmelikeahotpotato;neverpesteredmeagain。Butiftheywon'tgiveoverpesteringyou,mistress,ah'llcomeroundandjuststandbehindyourchair,andbringnievewithme,"showingafistlikealegofmutton。
"No,no,"saidtheauctioneer,"thatwillnotdo。Iwillhavenodisturbancehere。Callthepoliceman。"
Whiletheclerkwenttothedoorforthebobby,agentlemanremindedtheauctioneerthatthejournalshadrepeatedlydrawnattentiontothenuisance。
"Faultofthepublic,notmine,sir。Policeman,standbehindthatlady'schair,andifanybodyannoysherputhimquietlyintothestreet。"
"Thisauction-roomwillbetoletsoon,"saidavoiceattheendofthetable。
"Thisauction-room,"saidtheauctioneer,masterofthegayorgraveatamoment'snotice,"issupportedbythepublicandthetrade;itisnotsupportedbypaupers。"
AJewupholstererputinhisword。"Idomyownbusiness;butI
liketoletapoormanlive。"
"Jonathan,"saidtheauctioneertooneofhisservants,"afterthissaleyoumayputuptheshutters;wehavegoneandoffendedMr。
Jacobs。HekeepsashopinBlindAlley,Whitechapel。Nowthen,lot69。"
Rosabidtimidlyforoneortwolots,andboughtthemcheap。
Theauctioneerkeptlookingherway,andshehadonlytonod。
Theobnoxiousbrokergotoppositeher,andranherupalittleoutofspite;butashehadonlygothalfacrownabouthim,andnomeansofdoublingit,hedarednotgofar。
OntheothersideofthetablewasafiguretowhichRosa'seyesoftenturnedwithinterest——afairyoungboyabouttwelveyearsold;hehadgoldenhair,andwasindeepmourning。HisappearanceinterestedRosa,andshewonderedhowhecamethere,andwhy;helookedlikealambwedgedinamongwolves,afloweramongweeds。
Asthelotsproceeded,theboyseemedtogetuneasy;andatlast,whenlot'73wasputup,anybodycouldseeinhispoorlittlefacethathewastheretobidforit。
"Lot'73,anarmchaircoveredinmorocco。Anexcellentandusefularticle。ShouldnotbeatallsurprisedifitwasmadebyGillow。"
"Gillowwouldthough,"saidJacobs,whoowedhimaturn。
Chorusofdealers——"Haw!haw!"
Theauctioneer——"Iliketohearsomepeoplerunalotdown;showstheyaregoingtobidforitinearnest。Well,nameyourownprice。Fivepoundstobegin?"
Nowifnobodyhadspokentheauctioneerwouldhavegoneon,"Well,fourpoundsthen——three,two,whateveryoulike,"andatlastobtainedabonafideofferofthirtyshillings;butthemomenthesaid"Fivepoundstobegin,"theboyinblacklifteduphischildishtrebleandbidthus,"Fivepoundten"——"sixpounds"——"sixpoundten"——"sevenpounds"——"sevenpoundten"——"eightpounds"——
"eightpoundten"——"ninepounds"——"ninepoundten"——"tenpounds!"
withoutinterruption,andindeedalmostinabreath。
Therewasamomentarypauseofamazement,andthenanoutburstofchaff。
"Nicelittleboy!"
"Didn'thesayhislessonwell?"
"Favoruswithyourcard,sir。Youareagentasknowshowtobuy。"
"Whatdidhestopfor?Ifit'sworthten,itisworthahundred。"
"Blessthechild!"saidafemaledealer,kindly,"whatmadeyougoonlikethat?Why,therewasnoonebidagainstyou!you'dhavegotitfortwopounds——aricketyoldthing。"
Youngmasterbegantowhimper。"Why,thegentlemansaid,'FivepoundstoBEGIN。'Itwasthechairpoorgrandpapaalwayssatin,andallthethingsaresold,andmammasaiditwouldbreakherhearttoloseit。Shewastooilltocome,soshesentme。ShetoldmeIwasnottoletitbesoldawayfromusforlessthantenpounds,orshesh——shouldbem——m——miserable,"andthepoorlittlefellowbegantocry。Rosafollowedsuitpromptlybutunobtrusively。
"Sentimentalwayscostsmoney,"saidMr。Jacobs,gravely。
"Howdoyouknow?"askedMr。Cohen。"HaveYOUgotanyonhand?I
neverseennoneatyourshop。"
Sometemptingthingsnowcameup,andMrs。Stainesbidfreely;butallofasuddenshelookeddownthetable,andtherewasUnclePhilip,twinklingasbefore。"Oh,dear!whatamIdoingnow!"
thoughtshe。"Ihavegotnobroker。"
Shebidon,butinfearandtrembling,becauseofthosetwinklingeyes。Atlastshemusteredcourage,wroteonaleafofherpocket-
book,andpasseditdowntohim:"Itwouldbeonlykindtowarnme。
WhatamIdoingwrong?"
Hesentherbackalinedirectly:"Auctioneerrunningyouuphimself。Followhiseyewhenhebids;youwillseethereisnobonafidebidderatyourprices。"
Rosadidso,andfoundthatitwastrue。
ShenoddedtoUnclePhilip;and,withherexpressiveface,askedhimwhatsheshoulddo。
Theoldboymusthavehisjoke。Sohewroteback:"Tellhim,asyouseehehasafancyforcertainarticles,youwouldnotbesodiscourteousastobidagainsthim。"
Thenextarticlebutonewasadrawing-roomsuiteRosawanted;buttheauctioneerbidagainsther;soateighteenpoundsshestopped。
"Itisagainstyou,madam,"saidtheauctioneer。
"Yes,sir,"saidRosa;"butasyouaretheonlybidder,andyouhavebeensokindtome,Iwouldnotthinkofopposingyou。"
Thewordswerescarcelyoutofhermouth,whentheyweregreetedwitharoarofHomericlaughterthatliterallyshooktheroom,andthistimenotattheexpenseoftheinnocentspeaker。
"That'sintoyourmutton,governor。"
"Sharp'sthewordthistime。"
"Isay,governor,don'tyouwantabrokertobidforye?"
"Winkatmenexttime,sir;I'lldotheofficeforyou。"
"Nogreenhornsleftnow。"
"Thatladywon'tgiveaten-pundnoteforhergrandfather'sarmchair。"
"Oh,yes,shewill,ifit'sstuffedwithbanknotes。"
"Putthenextlotupwiththeowner'snameandthereserveprice。
Openbusiness。"
"Andsingapsalmatstarting。"
"AlittlelessnoiseinJudaea,ifyouplease,"saidtheauctioneer,whohadnowrecoveredfromtheblow。"Lot97。"
Thiswasaveryprettymarqueteriecabinet;itstoodagainstthewall,andRosahadsetherheartuponit。Nobodywouldbid。Shehadmuzzledtheauctioneereffectually。
"Yourownprice。"
"Twopounds,"saidRosa。
Adealerofferedguineas;anditadvancedslowlytofourpoundsandhalfacrown,atwhichitwasabouttobeknockeddowntoRosa,whensuddenlyanewbidderaroseinthebrokerRosahadrejected。
Theybidslowlyandsturdilyagainsteachother,untilalinewasgiventoRosafromUnclePhilip。
"Thistimeitisyourownfriend,thesnipe-nosedwoman。Shetelegraphedabroker。"
Rosaread,andcrushedthenote。"Sixguineas,"saidshe。
"Six-ten。"
"Seven。"
"Seven-ten。"
"Eight。"
"Eight-ten。"
"Tenguineas,"saidRosa;andthen,withfemininecunning,stealingasuddenglance,caughtherfriendleaningbackandsignallingthebrokernottogivein。
"Elevenpounds。"
"Twelve。"
"Thirteen。"
"Fourteen。"
"Sixteen。"
"Eighteen。"
"Twenty。"
"Twentyguineas。"
"Itisyours,myfaithfulfriend,"saidRosa,turningsuddenlyroundtoMrs。Cole,withamagnificentglancenoonewouldhavethoughthercapableof。
Thensheroseandstalkedaway。
Dumfoundedforthemoment,Mrs。Colefollowedher,andstoppedheratthedoor。
"Why,Rosiedear,itistheonlythingIhavebidfor。ThereI'vesatbyyoursidelikeamouse。"
Rosaturnedgravelytowardsher。"Youknowitisnotthat。Youhadonlytotellmeyouwantedit。Iwouldneverhavebeensomeanastobidagainstyou。"
"Mean,indeed!"said。Florence,tossingherhead。
"Yes,mean;todrawbackandhidebehindthefriendyouwerewith,andemploytheveryrogueshehadturnedoff。Butitismyownfault。Ceciliawarnedmeagainstyou。Shealwayssaidyouwereatreacherousgirl。"
"AndIsayyouareanimpudentlittleminx。Onlyjustmarried,andgoingaboutliketwovagabonds,andtalktomelikethat!"
"Wearenotgoingaboutliketwovagabonds。WehavetakenahouseinMayfair。"
"Sayastable。"
"Itwasbyyouradvice,youfalse-heartedcreature。"
"Youareafool。"
"Youareworse;youareatraitress。"
"Thendon'tyouhaveanythingtodowithme。"
"HeavenforbidIshould,youtreacherousthing!"
"Youinsolent——insolent——Ihateyou。"
"AndIdespiseyou。"
"Ialwayshatedyouatbottom。"
"That'swhyyoupretendedtoloveme,youwretch。"
"Well,Ipretendnomore。Iamyourenemyforlife。"
"Thankyou。Youhavetoldthetruthforonceinyourlife。"
"Ihave。Andheshallnevercallinyourhusband;soyoumayleaveMayfairassoonasyoulike。"
"Nottopleaseyou,madam。Wecangetonwithouttraitors。"
Andsotheyparted,witheyesthatgleamedliketigers。
Rosadrovehomeingreatagitation,andtriedtotellChristopher;
butchoked,andbecamehysterical。Thehusband-physiciancoaxedandscoldedheroutofthat;andpresentlyincameUnclePhilip,fullofthehumorsoftheauction-room。HetoldaboutthelittleboywithadelightthatdisgustedMrs。Staines,andthenwasparticularlymerryonfemalefriendships。"Fancyamangoingtoasalewithhisfriend,andbiddingagainsthimonthesly。"
"Sheisnofriendofmine。Weareenemiesforlife。"
"Andyouweretobefriendstilldeath,"saidStaines,withasigh。
Philipinquiredwhoshewas。
"Mrs。JohnCole。"
第7章