"Andaprettysubjectitis!"
Dr。StainestheninvitedMr。Lusignantohislodgings,andpromisedtoexplainthematteranatomically。"Meantime,"saidhe,"wouldyoubegoodenoughtoputyourhandstomywaist,asIdidtothepatient's。"
Mr。Lusignancomplied;andthepatientbegantotitterdirectly,toputthemoutofcountenance。
"PleaseobservewhattakesplacewhenIdrawafullbreath。
"Nowapplythesametesttothepatient。Breatheyourbest,please,MissLusignan。"
Thepatientputonafacefullofsaucymutiny。
"Toobligeusboth。"
"Oh,howtiresome!"
"Iamawareitisratherlaborious,"saidStaines,alittledryly;
"buttoobligeyourfather!"
"Oh,anythingtoobligepapa,"saidshe,spitefully。"There!AndIdohopeitwillbethelast——la!no;Idon'thopethat,neither。"
Dr。Stainespolitelyignoredherlittleattemptstointerrupttheargument。"Youfound,sir,thatthemusclesofmywaist,andmyintercostalribsthemselves,roseandfellwitheachinhalationandexhalationofairbythelungs。"
"Idid;butmydaughter'swaistwaslikedeadwood,andsowereherlowerribs。"
Atthisvolunteerstatement,Rosacoloredtohertemples。"Thanks,papa!PackmeofftoLondon,andsellmeforabigdoll!"
"Inotherwords,"saidthelecturer,mildandpertinacious,"withusthelungshaveroomtoblow,andthewholebonyframeexpandselasticwiththem,likethewoodworkofablacksmith'sbellows;butwiththispatient,andmanyofhersex,thatnobleanddivinelyframedbellowsiscrippledandconfinedbyapowerfulmachineofhumanconstruction;soitworkslamelyandfeebly:consequentlytoolittleair,andofcoursetoolittleoxygen,passesthroughthatspongyorganwhoseverylifeisair。Nowmarkthespecialresultinthiscase:beingotherwisehealthyandvigorous,ourpatient'ssystemsendsintothelungsmorebloodthanthatonecrippledorgancandealwith;asmallquantitybecomesextravasatedatoddtimes;
itaccumulates,andwouldbecomedangerous;thenNature,strengthenedbysleep,andbysomehours'relieffromthediabolicalengine,makesaneffortandflingsitoff:thatiswhythehemorrhagecomesinthemorning,andwhysheisthebetterforit,feelingneitherfaintnorsick,butrelievedofaweight。
This,sir,istherationaleofthecomplaint;anditistoyouI
mustlookforthecure。Tojudgefrommyotherfemalepatients,andfromthefewwordsMissLusignanhasletfall,Ifearwemustnotcountonanyveryheartyco-operationfromher:butyouareherfather,andhavegreatauthority;Iconjureyoutouseittothefull,asyouonceusedit——tomysorrow——inthisveryroom。Iamforgettingmycharacter。Iwasaskedhereonlyasherphysician。
Good-evening。"
Hegavealittlegulp,andhurriedaway,withanabruptnessthattouchedthefatherandoffendedthesapientdaughter。
However,Mr。Lusignanfollowedhim,andstoppedhimbeforeheleftthehouse,andthankedhimwarmly;andtohissurprise,beggedhimtocallagaininadayortwo。
"Well,Rosa,whatdoyousay?"
"IsaythatIamveryunfortunateinmydoctors。Mr。Wymanisachatterboxandknowsnothing。Dr。SnellisMr。Wyman'secho。
Christopherisagenius,andtheyarealwaysfullofcrotchets。A
prettydoctor!Goneaway,andnotprescribedforme!"
Mr。Lusignanadmitteditwasodd。"But,afterall,"saidhe,"ifmedicinedoesyounogood?"
"Ah!butanymedicineHEhadprescribedwouldhavedonemegood,andthatmakesitalltheunkinder。"
"Ifyouthinksohighlyofhisskill,whynottakehisadvice?Itcandonoharm。"
"Noharm?Why,ifIwastoleavethemoffIshouldcatchadreadfulcold;andthatwouldbesuretosettleonmychest,andcarrymeoff,inmypresentdelicatestate。Besides,itissounfemininenottowearthem。"
ThisstaggeredMr。Lusignan,andhewasafraidtopressthepoint;
butwhatStaineshadsaidfermentedinhismind。
Dr。SnellandMr。Wymancontinuedtheirvisitsandtheirprescriptions。
Thepatientgotalittleworse。
Mr。LusignanhopedChristopherwouldcallagain,buthedidnot。
WhenDr。Staineshadsatisfiedhimselfthatthedisorderwaseasilycurable,thenwoundedpridefoundanentranceevenintohislovingheart。Thattwostrangersshouldhavebeenconsultedbeforehim!
Hewasonlysentforbecausetheycouldnotcureher。
Asheseemedinnohurrytorepeathisvisit,Mr。Lusignancalledonhim,andsaid,politely,hehadhopedtoreceiveanothercallerethis。"Personally,"saidhe,"Iwasmuchstruckwithyourobservations;butmydaughterisafraidshewillcatchcoldifsheleavesoffhercorset,andthat,youknow,mightbeveryserious。"
Dr。Stainesgroaned,and,whenhehadgroaned,helectured。
"Femalepatientsarewonderfullymonotonousinthismatter;theyhaveaprogrammeofevasions;andwhetherthepatientisaladyorahousemaid,sheseldomvariesfromthatprogramme。Youfindherbreathinglife'sairwithhalfabellows,andyoutellherso。
'Oh,no,'saysshe;anddoesthegiganticfeatofcontractionwewitnessedthateveningatyourhouse。But,oninquiry,youlearnthereisarawredlineploughedinherfleshbythecruelstays。
'Whatisthat?'youask,andflatteryourselfyouhavepinnedher。
Notabit。'Thatwasthelastpair。Ichangedthem,becausetheyhurtme。'Drivenoutofthatbyproofsofrecentlaceration,theysay,'IfIleavethemoffIshouldcatchmydeathofcold,'whichisequivalenttosayingthereisnoflannelintheshops,nocommonsensenorneedlesathome。"
HethenlaidbeforehimsomelargeFrenchplates,showingtheorgansofthehumantrunk,andbadehimobserveinhowsmallaspace,andwithwhatskill,theCreatorhaspackedsomanylargeyetdelicateorgans,sothattheyshouldbefreeandsecurefromfriction,thoughsoclosetoeachother。Heshowedhimtheliver,anorganweighingfourpounds,andoflargecircumference;thelungs,averylargeorgan,suspendedinthechestandimpatientofpressure;theheart,thestomach,thespleen,allofthemtoocloselyandartfullypackedtobearanyfurthercompression。
Havingthustakenhimbytheeye,hetookhimbythemind。
"IsitasmallthingforthecreaturetosaytoherCreator,'Icanpackallthisegg-chinabetterthanyoucan,'andthereupontojamallthosevitalorgansclose,byapowerful,averypowerfulandingeniousmachine?Isitasmallthingforthatsex,which,forgoodreasons,theOmniscienthasmadelargerinthewaistthanthemale,tosaytoherCreator,'Youdon'tknowyourbusiness;womenoughttobesmallerinthewaistthanmen,andshallbethroughoutthecivilizedworld'?"
Inshort,hedeliveredsomanytrueandpointedthingsonthistritesubject,thattheoldgentlemanwasconvinced,andbeggedhimtocomeoverthatveryeveningandconvinceRosa。
Dr。Stainesshookhisheaddolefully,andallhisfirediedoutofhimathavingtofacethefair。"Reasonwillbewasted。Authorityistheonlyweapon。Myprofessionandmyreadinghavebothtaughtmethatthewholecharacterofhersexundergoesachangethemomentamaninterfereswiththeirdress。FromChaucer'sdaytoourown,neitherpublicsatirenorprivateremonstrancehasevershakenanyoftheirmonstrousfashions。Easy,obliging,pliable,andweakerofwillthanmeninotherthings,dobuttouchtheirdress,howeverobjectionable,androckisnotharder,ironisnotmorestubborn,thanthesesoftandyieldingcreatures。Itisnoearthlyusemycoming——I'llcome。"
Hecamethatveryevening,andsawdirectlyshewasworse。"Ofcourse,"saidhe,sadly,"youhavenottakenmyadvice。"
Rosarepliedwithatossandanevasion,"Iwasnotworthaprescription!"
"Aphysiciancanprescribewithoutsendinghispatienttothedruggist;andwhenhedoes,thenitishiswordsaregold。"
Rosashookherheadwithanairofloftyincredulity。
HelookedruefullyatMr。Lusignanandwassilent。Rosasmiledsarcastically;shethoughthewasathiswit'send。
Notquite:hewascudgellinghisbrainsinsearchofsomehorriblyunscientificargument,thatmightprevail;forhefeltsciencewouldfalldeaduponsofairanantagonist。Atlasthiseyekindled;hehadhitonanargumentunscientificenoughforanybody,hethought。Saidhe,ingratiatingly,"YoubelievetheOldTestament?"
"OfcourseIdo,everysyllable。"
"Andthelessonsitteaches?"
"Certainly!"
"Thenletmetellyouastoryfromthatbook。ASyriangeneralhadaterribledisease。HeconsultedElishabydeputy。Elishasaid,'Batheseventimesinacertainriver,Jordan,andyouwillgetwell。'Thegeneraldidnotlikethisatall;hewantedaprescription;wantedtogotothedruggist;didn'tbelieveinhydropathytobegin,and,inanycase,turneduphisnoseatJordan。What!batheinanIsraelitishbrook,whenhisowncountryboastednoblerivers,withareputationforsanctityintothebargain?Inshort,hepreferredhisleprosytosuchirregularmedicine。Butithappened,bysomeimmensefortuity,thatoneofhisservants,thoughanOriental,wasafriend,insteadofaflatterer;andthissensiblefellowsaid,'Iftheprophettoldyoutodosomegreatanddifficultthing,togetridofthisfearfulmalady,wouldnotyoudoit,howeverdistasteful?andcanyouhesitatewhenhemerelysays,WashintheJordan,andbehealed?'
Thegenerallistenedtogoodsense,andcuredhimself。Yourcaseisparallel。Youwouldtakequantitiesoffoulmedicine;youwouldsubmittosomepainfuloperation,iflifeandhealthdependedonit;thenwhynotdoasmallthingforagreatresult?Youhaveonlytotakeoffanunnaturalmachinewhichcripplesyourgrowingframe,andwasunknowntoeveryoneofthewomenwhoseformsinParianmarbletheworldadmires。Offwiththatmonstrosity,andyourcureisascertainastheSyriangeneral's;thoughscience,andnotinspiration,dictatestheeasyremedy。"
Rosahadlistenedimpatiently,andnowrepliedwithsomewarmth,"Thisisshockinglyprofane。TheideaofcomparingyourselftoElisha,andmetoahorridleper!Muchobliged!NotthatIknowwhataleperis。"
"Come,come!thatisnotfair,"saidMr。Lusignan。"Heonlycomparedthesituation,notthepeople。"
"But,papa,theBibleisnottobedraggedintothecommonaffairsoflife。"
"Thenwhatonearthistheuseofit?"
"Oh,papa!Well,itisnotSunday,butIhavehadasermon。Thisistheclergyman,andyouarethecommentator——he!he!Andsonowletusgobackfromdivinitytomedicine。Irepeat"thiswasthefirsttimeshehadsaidit"thatmyotherdoctorsgivemerealprescriptions,writteninhieroglyphics。Youcan'tlookatthemwithoutfeelingthereMUSTbesomethinginthem。"
AnangryspotroseonChristopher'scheek,butheonlysaid,"Andareyourotherdoctorssatisfiedwiththeprogressyourdisorderismakingundertheirsuperintendence?"
"Perfectly!Papa,tellhimwhattheysay,andI'llfindhimtheirprescriptions。"Shewenttoadrawer,andrummaged,affectingnottolisten。
Lusignancomplied。"Firstofall,sir,Imusttellyoutheyareconfidentitisnotthelungs,buttheliver。"
"Thewhat!"shoutedChristopher。
"Ah!"screamedRosa。"Oh,don't!——bawling!"
"Anddon'tyouscreech,"saidherfather,withalookofmiseryandapprehensionimpartiallydistributedontheresoundingpair。
"Youmusthavemisunderstoodthem,"murmuredStaines,inavoicethatwasnowbarelyaudibleayardoff。"Thehemorrhageofabrightredcolor,andexpelledwithouteffortornausea?"
"Fromtheliver——theyhaveassuredmeagainandagain,"saidLusignan。
Christopher'sfacestillworealookofblankamazement,tillRosaherselfconfirmeditpositively。
Thenhecastalookofagonyuponher,andstartedupinapassion,forgettingoncemorethathishostabhorredthesonorous。"Oh,shame!shame!"hecried,"thatthenobleprofessionofmedicineshouldbedisgracedbyignorancesuchasthis。"Thenhesaid,sternly,"Sir,donotmistakemymotives;butIdeclinetohaveanythingfurthertodowiththiscase,untilthosetwogentlemenhavebeenrelievedofit;and,asthisisveryharsh,andonmypartunprecedented,IwillgiveyouonereasonoutofmanyICOULD
giveyou。Sir,thereisnoroadfromthelivertothethroatbywhichbloodcantravelinthisway,defyingthelawsofgravity;
andtheyknew,fromthepatient,thatnostrongexpellentforcehaseverbeeninoperation。Theirdiagnosis,therefore,impliesagnosis,orignorancetoogreattobeforgiven。Iwillnotsharemypatientwithtwogentlemenwhoknowsolittleofmedicine,andknownothingofanatomy,whichistheABCofmedicine。CanIseetheirprescriptions?"
Thesewerehandedtohim。"Goodheavens!"saidhe,"haveyoutakenallthese?"
"Mostofthem。"
"Why,thenyouhavedrunkabouttwogallonsofunwholesomeliquids,andeatenapoundortwoofunwholesomesolids。Thesemedicineshaveco-operatedwiththemalady。Thedisorderlies,notinthehemorrhage,butintheprecedentextravasationthatisadrainonthesystem;andhowisthelosstobesupplied?Why,bytakingalittlemorenourishmentthanbefore;thereisnootherway;andprobablyNature,lefttoherself,mighthaveincreasedyourappetitetomeettheoccasion。ButthosetwoworthieshavestruckthatweaponoutofNature'shand;theyhavepepperedawayatthepoorill-usedstomachwithdrugsanddraughts,notverydeleteriousIgrantyou,butallmoreorlessindigestible,andalltending,nottowhettheappetite,buttoclogthestomach,orturnthestomach,orpesterthestomach,andsoimpairtheappetite,andsoco-operate,indirectly,withthemalady。"
"Thisisgoodsense,"saidLusignan。"Ideclare,I——IwishIknewhowtogetridofthem。"
"Oh,I'lldothat,papa。"
"No,no;itisnotwortharumpus。"
"I'lldoittoopolitelyforthat。Christopher,youareveryclever——TERRIBLYclever。WheneverIthrewtheirmedicinesaway,I
wasalwaysalittlebetterthatday。Iwillsacrificethemtoyou。
ItISasacrifice。Theyarebothsokindandchatty,anddon'tgrudgemehieroglyphics;nowyoudo。"
ShesatdownandwrotetwosweetletterstoDr。SnellandMr。
Wyman,thankingthemforthegreatattentiontheyhadpaidher;butfindingherselfgettingsteadilyworse,inspiteofalltheyhaddoneforher,sheproposedtodiscontinuehermedicinesforatime,andtrychangeofair。
"Andsupposetheycalltoseewhetheryouarechangingtheair?"
"Inthatcase,papa——'notathome。'"
Thenoteswereaddressedanddespatched。
ThenDr。Stainesbrightenedup,andsaidtoLusignan,"IamnowhappytotellyouthatIhaveoverratedthemalady。ThesadchangeIseeinMissLusignanispartlyduetothegreatbulkofunwholesomeesculentsshehasbeeneatinganddrinkingundertheheadofmedicines。Thesediscontinued,shemightlingeronforyears,existing,thoughnotliving——thetight-lacedcannotbesaidtolive。Butifshewouldbehealthyandhappy,letherthrowthatdiabolicalmachineintothefire。Itisnouseaskinghertoloosenit;shecan't。Oncethere,thetemptationistoostrong。
Offwithit,and,takemyword,youwillbeoneofthehealthiestandmostvigorousyoungladiesinEurope。"
Rosalookedrueful,andalmostsullen。Shesaidshehadpartedwithherdoctorsforhim,butshereallycouldnotgoaboutwithoutstays。"Theyareaslooseastheycanbe。See!"
"Thatpartoftheprogrammeisdisposedof,"saidChristopher。
"PleasegoontoNo。2。Howabouttherawredlinewheretheloosemachinehassawedyou?"
"Whatredline?Nosuchthing!Somebodyorotherhasbeenpeepinginatmywindow。I'llhavetheivycutdownto-morrow。"
"Simpleton!"saidMr。Lusignan,angrily。"Youhaveletthecatoutofthebag。Thereissuchamark,then,andthisextraordinaryyoungmanhasdiscerneditwiththeeyeofscience。"
"Heneverdiscerneditatall,"saidRosa,redasfire;"and,whatismore,heneverwill。"
"Idon'twantto。Ishouldbeverysorryto。Ihopeitwillbegoneinaweek。"
"IwishYOUweregonenow——exposingmeinthiscruelway,"saidRosa,angrywithherselfforhavingsaidanidioticthing,andfuriouswithhimforhavingmadehersayit。
"Oh,Rosa!"saidChristopher,inavoiceoftenderestreproach。
ButMr。Lusignaninterferedpromptly。"Rosa,nonoise。Iwillnothaveyousnappingatyourbestfriendandmine。Ifyouareexcited,youhadbetterretiretoyourownroomandcomposeyourself。Ihateaclamor。"
Rosamadeawryfaceatthisrebuke,andthenbegantocryquietly。
EverytearwaslikeadropofbloodfromChristopher'sheart。
"Praydon'tscoldher,sir,"saidhe,readytosnivelhimself。
"Shemeantnothingunkind:itisonlyherprettysprightlyway;andshedidnotreallyimaginealovesoreverentasmine"——
"Don'tYOUinterferebetweenmyfatherandme,"saidthisreasonableyounglady,nowinanungovernablestateoffeminineirritability。
"No,Rosa,"saidChristopher,humbly。"Mr。Lusignan,"saidhe,"I
hopeyouwilltellherthat,fromtheveryfirst,IwasunwillingtoenteronthissubjectwithHER。NeithershenorIcanforgetmydoublecharacter。IhavenotsaidhalfasmuchtoherasIought,beingherphysician;andyetyouseeIhavesaidmorethanshecanbearfromme,who,sheknows,loveherandrevereher。Then,onceforall,doprayletmeputthisdelicatematterintoyourhands:
itisacaseforparentalauthority。"
"Unfatherlytyranny,thatmeans,"saidRosa。"Whatbusinesshavegentlemeninterferinginsuchthings?Itisunheardof。Iwillnotsubmittoit,evenfrompapa。"
"Well,youneednotscreamatme,"saidMr。Lusignan;andheshruggedhisshoulderstoStaines。"Sheisimpracticable,yousee。
IfIdomyduty,therewillbeadisturbance。"
NowthisrousedthebileofDr。Staines。"What,sir!"saidhe,"youcouldseparateherandmebyyourauthority,hereinthisveryroom;andyet,whenherlifeisatstake,youabdicate!Youcouldpartherfromamanwholovedherwitheverydropofhisheart,——
andshesaidshelovedhim,or,atallevents,preferredhimtoothers,——andyoucannotpartherfromamiserablecorset,althoughyouseeinherpoorwastedfacethatitiscarryinghertothechurchyard。Inthatcase,sir,thereisbutonethingforyoutodo,——withdrawyouroppositionandletmemarryher。AsherloverI
ampowerless;butinvestmewithahusband'sauthority,andyouwillsoonseetherosesreturntohercheek,andherelasticfigureexpanding,andhereyebeamingwithhealthandthehappinessthatcomesofperfecthealth。"
Mr。Lusignanmadeananswerneitherofhishearersexpected。Hesaid,"Ihaveagreatmindtotakeyouatyourword。IamtoooldandfondofquiettodriveaSimpletoninsingleharness。"
Thiscontemptuousspeech,and,aboveall,thewordSimpleton,whichhadbeenappliedtoherprettyfreelybyyoungladiesatschool,andalwaysgalledherterribly,inflictedsointolerableawoundonRosa'svanity,thatshewasreadytoburst:onthat,ofcourse,herstayscontributedtheirmiteofphysicaluneasiness。Thusirritatedmindandbody,sheburnedtostrikeinreturn;andasshecouldnotslapherfatherinthepresenceofanother,shegaveitChristopherback-handed。
"Youcanturnmeoutofdoors,"saidshe,"ifyouaretiredofyourdaughter,butIamnotsuchaSIMPLETONastomarryatyrant。No;
hehasshowntheclovenfootintime。Ahusband'sAUTHORITY,indeed!"Thensheturnedherhand,andgaveithimdirect。"Youtoldmeadifferentstorywhenyouwerepayingyourcourttome;
thenyouweretobemyservant,——allhypocriticalsweetness。YouhadbettergoandmarryaCircassianslave。Theydon'twearstays,andtheydoweartrousers;soshewillbeunfeminineenough,evenforyou。NoEnglishladywouldletherhusbanddictatetoheraboutsuchathing。IcanhaveasmanyhusbandsasIlike,withoutfallingintotheclutchesofatyrant。Youarearude,indelicate——
Andsopleaseunderstanditisalloverbetweenyouandme。"
Bothherauditorsstoodaghast,forsheutteredthisconclusionwithadignityofwhichtheopeninggavenopromise,andtheoccasion,weighedinmasculinebalances,wasnotworthy。
"Youdonotmeanthat。Youcannotmeanit,"saidDr。Staines,aghast。
"Idomeanit,"saidshe,firmly;"and,ifyouareagentleman,youwillnotcompelmetosayittwice——threetimes,Imean。"
Atthisdagger-strokeChristopherturnedverypale,buthemaintainedhisdignity。"Iamagentleman,"saidhe,quietly,"andaveryunfortunateone。Good-by,sir;thankyoukindly。Good-by,Rosa;Godblessyou!Oh,praytakeathought!Remember,yourlifeanddeathareinyourownhandnow。Iampowerless。"
Andheleftthehouseinsorrow,andjust,butnotpettish,indignation。
Whenhewasgone,fatheranddaughterlookedateachother,andtherewasthesilencethatsucceedsastorm。
Rosa,feelingthemostuneasy,wasthefirsttoexpresshersatisfaction。"There,HEisgone,andIamgladofit。NowyouandIshallneverquarrelagain。Iwasquiteright。Suchimpertinence!Suchindelicacy!AfineprospectformeifIhadmarriedsuchaman!However,heisgone,andsothere'sanendofit。Theidea!tellingayounglady,beforeherfather,sheistight-laced!IfyouhadnotbeenthereIcouldhaveforgivenhim。
ButIamnot;itisastory。Now,"suddenlyexaltinghervoice,"I
knowyoubelievehim。"
"Isaynothing,"whisperedpapa,hopingtostillherbyexample。
Thisrusedidnotsucceed。
"Butyoulookvolumes,"criedshe:"andIcan'tbearit。Iwon'tbearit。Ifyoudon'tbelieveME,askmyMAID。"Andwiththisfelicitousspeech,sherangthebell。
"You'llbreakthewireifyoudon'tmind,"suggestedherfather,piteously。
"Allthebetter!Whyshouldnotwiresbebrokenaswellasmyheart?Oh,heresheis!Now,Harriet,comehere。"
"Yes,miss。"
"Andtellthetruth。AMItight-laced?"
Harrietlookedinherfaceamomenttoseewhatwasrequiredofher,andthensaid,"Thatyouarenot,miss。Ineverdressedayoungladyaswore'emeasierthanyoudo。"
"There,papa!Thatwilldo,Harriet。"
Harrietretiredasfarasthekeyhole;shesawsomethingwasup。
"Now,"saidRosa,"youseeIwasright;and,afterall,itwasamatchyoudidnotapprove。Well,itisallover,andnowyoumaywritetoyourfavorite,ColonelBright。Ifhecomeshere,I'llboxhisoldears。Ihatehim。Ihatethemall。Forgiveyourwaywardgirl。I'llstaywithyouallmydays。Idaresaythatwillnotbelong,nowIhavequarrelledwithmyguardianangel;andallforwhat?Papa!papa!howCANyousitthereandnotspeakmeonewordofcomfort?'SIMPLETON?'Ah!thatIamtothrowawayaloveaqueenisscarcelyworthyof;andallforwhat?Really,ifitwasn'tfortheingratitudeandwickednessofthething,itistoolaughable。Ha!ha!——oh!oh!oh!——ha!ha!ha!"
Andoffshewentintohysterics,andbegantogulpandchokefrightfully。
第3章