Thereisnopossibilityofmysuspicionsbeingwrong;notuntiltheyhavereachedabsolutecertaintyhaveIdaredeventoadmitthetruthtomyself.Hisconductto-daywouldhaveprovedthemtruehadI
entertainednopreviousapprehensions.Somephotographsofmyselfcameformebypost,andtheywerehandedroundatthebreakfasttableandcriticised.Iputthemtemporarilyonasidetable,anddidnotrememberthemuntilanhourafterwardswhenIwasinmyownroom.OngoingtofetchthemIdiscoveredhimstandingatthetablewithhisbacktowardsthedoorbendingoverthephotographs,oneofwhichheraisedtohislips.
ThewitnessingthisactsofrightenedmethatIcreptawaytoescapeobservation.Itwastheclimaxtoaseriesofslightandsignificantactionsalltendingtothesameconclusion.Thequestionformenowis,whatamItodo?Togoawayiswhatfirstoccurstome,butwhatreasoncanIgiveCarolineandmyfatherforsuchastep;besides,itmightprecipitatesomesortofcatastrophebydrivingCharlestodesperation.Forthepresent,therefore,IhavedecidedthatIcanonlywait,thoughhiscontiguityisstrangelydisturbingtomenow,andIhardlyretainstrengthofmindtoencounterhim.Howwillthedistressingcomplicationend?
May19——Andsoithascome!Mymereavoidanceofhimhasprecipitatedtheworstissue——adeclaration.Ihadoccasiontogointothekitchengardentogathersomeofthedoubleragged-robinswhichgrewinacornerthere.AlmostassoonasIhadenteredI
heardfootstepswithout.Thedooropenedandshut,andIturnedtobeholdhimjustinsideit.Asthegardenisclosedbyfourwallsandthegardenerwasabsent,thespotensuredabsoluteprivacy.Hecamealongthepathbytheasparagus-bed,andovertookme.
'YouknowwhyIcome,Alicia?'saidhe,inatremulousvoice.
Isaidnothing,andhungmyhead,forbyhistoneIdidknow.
'Yes,'hewenton,'itisyouIlove;mysentimenttowardsyoursisterisoneofaffectiontoo,butprotective,tutelaryaffection——
nomore.SaywhatyouwillIcannothelpit.Imistookmyfeelingforher,andIknowhowmuchIamtoblameformywantofself-
knowledge.Ihavefoughtagainstthisdiscoverynightandday;butitcannotbeconcealed.WhydidIeverseeyou,sinceIcouldnotseeyoutillIhadcommittedmyself?Atthemomentmyeyesbeheldyouonthatdayofmyarrival,Isaid,"Thisisthewomanforwhommymanhoodhaswaited."Eversinceanunaccountablefascinationhasrivetedmyhearttoyou.Answeroneword!'
'O,M.delaFeste!'Iburstout.WhatIsaidmoreIcannotremember,butIsupposethatthemiseryIwasinshowedprettyplainly,forhesaid,'Somethingmustbedonetoletherknow;
perhapsIhavemistakenheraffection,too;butalldependsuponwhatyoufeel.'
'IcannottellwhatIfeel,'saidI,'exceptthatthisseemsterribletreachery;andeverymomentthatIstaywithyouheremakesitworse!
Trytokeepfaithwithher——heryoungheartistender;
believemethereisnomistakeinthequalityofherloveforyou.
Wouldtherewere!Thiswouldkillherifsheknewit!'
Hesighedheavily.'Sheoughtnevertobemywife,'hesaid.
'Leavingmyownhappinessoutofthequestion,itwouldbeacrueltytohertounitehertome.'
IsaidIcouldnothearsuchwordsfromhim,andbeggedhimintearstogoaway;heobeyed,andIheardthegardendoorshutbehindhim.
Whatistobetheendoftheannouncement,andthefateofCaroline?
May20——Iputagooddealonpaperyesterday,andyetnotall.I
was,intruth,hopingagainsthope,againstconviction,againsttooconsciousself-judgment.Iscarcelydareownthetruthnow,yetitrelievesmyachinghearttosetitdown.Yes,Ilovehim——thatisthedreadfulfact,andIcannolongerparry,evade,ordenyittomyselfthoughtotherestoftheworlditcanneverbeowned.IloveCaroline'sbetrothed,andhelovesme.Itisnoyesterday'spassion,cultivatedbyourconverse;itcameatfirstsight,independentlyofmywill;andmytalkwithhimyesterdaymaderatheragainstitthanforit,but,alas,didnotquenchit.Godforgiveusbothforthisterribletreachery.
May25——Allisvague;ourcoursesshapeless.Hecomesandgoes,beingoccupied,ostensiblyatleast,withsketchinginhistentinthewood.WhetherheandsheseeeachotherprivatelyIcannottell,butIratherthinktheydonot;thatshesadlyawaitshim,andhedoesnotappear.Notasignfromhimthatmyrepulsehasdonehimanygood,orthathewillendeavourtokeepfaithwithher.O,ifI
onlyhadthecompulsionofagod,andtheself-sacrificeofamartyr!
May31——Ithasallended——orratherthisactofthesaddramahasended——innothing.Hehasleftus.NodayforthefulfilmentoftheengagementwithCarolineisnamed,myfathernotbeingthemantopressanyoneonsuchamatter,or,indeed,tointerfereinanyway.
Wetwogirlsare,infact,quitedefencelessinacaseofthiskind;
loversmaycomewhentheychoose,anddesertwhentheychoose;poorfatheristoourbanetoutterawordofremonstranceorinquiry.
Moreover,astheapprovedofmydeadmother,M.delaFestehasasortofautocraticpowerwithmyfather,whoholdsitunkindtohermemorytohaveanopinionabouthim.I,feelingitmyduty,askedM.
delaFesteatthelastmomentabouttheengagement,inavoiceI
couldnotkeepfirm.
'Sincethedeathofyourmotherallhasbeenindefinite——all!'hesaidgloomily.Thatwasthewhole.Possibly,WherryborneRectorymayseehimnomore.
June7——M.delaFestehaswritten——onelettertoher,onetome.
Herscouldnothavebeenverywarm,forshedidnotbrightenonreadingit.Minewasanordinarynoteoffriendship,fillinganordinarysheetofpaper,whichIhandedovertoCarolinewhenIhadfinishedlookingitthrough.Buttherewasascrapofpaperinthebottomoftheenvelope,whichIdarednotshowanyone.Thisscrapishisrealletter:Iscanneditaloneinmyroom,trembling,hotandcoldbyturns.Hetellsmeheisverywretched;thathedeploreswhathashappened,butwashelpless.WhydidIlethimseeme,ifonlytomakehimfaithless.Alas,alas!
June21——MydearCarolinehaslostappetite,spirits,health.Hopedeferredmakeththeheartsick.Hisletterstohergrowcolder——ifindeedhehaswrittenmorethanone.Hehasrefrainedfromwritingagaintome——heknowsitisnouse.AltogetherthesituationthatheandsheandIareinismelancholyintheextreme.Whyarehumanheartssoperverse?
CHAPTERVI——HERINGENUITYINSTIGATESHER
September19——Threemonthsofanxiouscare——tillatlengthIhavetakentheextremestepofwritingtohim.OurchiefdistresshasbeencausedbythestateofpoorCaroline,who,aftersinkingbydegreesintosuchextremeweaknessastomakeitdoubtfulifshecaneverrecoverfullvigour,hasto-daybeentakenmuchworse.Herpositionisverycritical.Thedoctorsaysplainlythatsheisdyingofabrokenheart——andthateventheremovalofthecausemaynotnowrestoreher.OughtItohavewrittentoCharlessooner?ButhowcouldIwhensheforbademe?Itwasherprideonlywhichinstigatedher,andIshouldnothaveobeyed.
Sept.26——Charleshasarrivedandhasseenher.Heisshocked,conscience-stricken,remorseful.Ihavetoldhimthathecandonogoodbeyondcheeringherbyhispresence.Idonotknowwhathethinksofproposingtoherifshegetsbetter,buthesayslittletoheratpresent:indeedhedaresnot:hiswordsagitateherdangerously.
Sept.28——Afterastrugglebetweendutyandselfishness,suchasI
praytoHeavenImayneverhavetoundergoagain,Ihaveaskedhimforpity'ssaketomakeherhiswife,hereandnow,asshelies.I
saidtohimthatthepoorchildwouldnottroublehimlong;andsuchasolemnizationwouldsootheherlasthoursasnothingelsecoulddo.
Hesaidthathewouldwillinglydoso,andhadthoughtofithimself;
butforoneforbiddingreason:intheeventofherdeathashiswifehecannevermarryme,hersister,accordingtoourlaws.Istartedathiswords.Hewenton:'Ontheotherhand,ifIweresurethatimmediatemarriagewithmewouldsaveherlife,Iwouldnotrefuse,forpossiblyImightafterawhile,andoutofsightofyou,makemyselffairlycontentwithoneofsosweetadispositionashers;butif,asisprobable,neithermymarryinghernoranyotheractcanavailtosaveherlife,bysodoingIlosebothherandyou.'I
couldnotanswerhim.
Sept.29——Hecontinuedfirminhisreasonsforrefusaltillthismorning,andthenIbecamepossessedwithanidea,whichIatoncepropoundedtohim.ItwasthatheshouldatleastconsenttoaFORM
ofmarriagewithCaroline,inconsiderationofherlove;aformwhichneednotbealegalunion,butonewhichwouldsatisfyhersickandenfeebledsoul.Suchthingshavebeendone,andthesentimentoffeelingherselfhiswouldinexpressiblycomforthermind,Iamsure.
Then,ifsheistakenfromus,Ishouldnothavelostthepowerofbecominghislawfulwifeatsomefutureday,ifitindeedshouldbedeemedexpedient;if,ontheotherhand,shelives,hecanonherrecoveryinformheroftheincompletenessoftheirmarriagecontract,theceremonycanberepeated,andIcan,andIamsurewillinglywould,avoidtroublingthemwithmypresencetillgreyhairsandwrinklesmakehisunfortunatepassionformeathingofthepast.I
putallthisbeforehim;buthedemurred.
Sept.30——Ihaveurgedhimagain.Hesayshewillconsider.Itisnotimetomincematters,andasafurtherinducementIhaveofferedtoenterintoasolemnengagementtomarryhimmyselfayearafterherdeath.
Sept.30.Later——Anagitatinginterview.HesayshewillagreetowhateverIpropose,thethreepossibilitiesandourcontingentactsbeingrecordedasfollows:First,intheeventofdearCarolinebeingtakenfromus,Imarryhimontheexpirationofayear:
Second,intheforlornchanceofherrecoveryItakeuponmyselftheresponsibilityofexplainingtoCarolinethetruenatureoftheceremonyhehasgonethroughwithher,thatitwasdoneatmysuggestiontomakeherhappyatonce,beforeaspeciallicencecouldbeobtained,andthatapublicceremonyatchurchisawaitingher:
Third,intheunlikelyeventofhercooling,andrefusingtorepeattheceremonywithhim,IleaveEngland,joinhimabroad,andtherewedhim,agreeingnottoliveinEnglandagaintillCarolinehaseithermarriedanotherorregardsherattachmenttoCharlesasabygonematter.Ihavethoughtovertheseconditions,andhaveagreedtothemallastheystand.
11p.m——Idonotmuchlikethisscheme,afterall.Foronething,I
havejustsoundedmyfatheronitbeforepartingwithhimforthenight,myimpressionhavingbeenthathewouldseenoobjection.Buthesayshecouldonnoaccountcountenanceanysuchunrealproceeding;howevergoodourintentions,andeventhoughthepoorgirlweredying,itwouldnotberight.SoIsadlyseekmypillow.
October1——Iamsuremyfatheriswronginhisview.Whyisitnotright,ifitwouldbebalmtoCaroline'swoundedsoul,andifarealceremonyisabsolutelyrefusedbyCharles——moreoverishardlypracticableinthedifficultyofgettingaspeciallicence,ifhewereagreed?Myfatherdoesnotknow,orwillnotbelieve,thatCaroline'sattachmenthasbeenthecauseofherhopelesscondition.
Butthatitisso,andthattheformofwordswouldgiveherinexpressiblehappiness,Iknowwell;forIwhisperedtentativelyinherearonsuchmarriages,andtheeffectwasgreat.HenceforthmyfathercannotbetakenintoconfidenceonthesubjectofCaroline.
Hedoesnotunderstandher.
12o'clocknoon——Ihavetakenadvantageofmyfather'sabsenceto-
daytoconfidemysecretnotiontoathoughtfulyoungman,whocalledherethismorningtospeaktomyfather.HeistheMr.TheophilusHigham,ofwhomIhavealreadyhadoccasiontospeak——aScripturereaderinthenexttown,andissoongoingtobeordained.Itoldhimthepitiablecase,andmyremedy.Hesaysardentlythathewillassistme——woulddoanythingformeheis,intruth,anadmirerofmine;heseesnowronginsuchanactofcharity.Heiscomingagaintothehousethisafternoonbeforemyfatherreturns,tocarryouttheidea.IhavespokentoCharles,whopromisestobeready.I
mustnowbreakthenewstoCaroline.
11o'clockp.m——Ihavebeenintoomuchexcitementtillnowtosetdowntheresult.Wehaveaccomplishedourplan;andthoughIfeellikeaguiltysinner,Iamglad.Myfather,ofcourse,isnottobeinformedasyet.Carolinehashadaseraphicexpressionuponherwasted,transparentfaceeversince.Ishouldhardlybesurprisedifitreallysavedherlifeevennow,andrenderedalegitimateunionnecessarybetweenthem.Inthatcasemyfathercanbeinformedofthewholeproceeding,andinthefaceofsuchwonderfulsuccesscannotdisapprove.MeanwhilepoorCharleshasnotlostthepossibilityoftakingunworthymetofillherplaceshouldshe.
ButIcannotcontemplatethatalternativeunmoved,andwillnotwriteit.CharlesleftfortheSouthofEuropeimmediatelyaftertheceremony.Hewasinahigh-strung,throbbing,almostwildstateofmindatfirst,butgrewcalmerundermyexhortations.Ihadtopaythepenaltyofreceivingafarewellkissfromhim,whichImuchregret,consideringitsmeaning;buthetookmesounexpectedly,andinamomentwasgone.
Oct.6——Shecertainlyisbetter,andevenwhenshefoundthatCharleshadbeensuddenlyobligedtoleave,shereceivedthenewsquitecheerfully.Thedoctorsaysthatherapparentimprovementmaybedelusive;butIthinkourimpressinguponherthenecessityofkeepingwhathasoccurredasecretfrompapa,andeverybody,helpstogiveherazestforlife.
Oct.8——Sheisstillmending.Iamgladtohavesavedher——myonlysister——ifIhavedoneso;thoughIshallnowneverbecomeCharles'swife.
CHAPTERVII——ASURPRISEAWAITSHER
Feb.5——Writinghasbeenabsolutelyimpossibleforalongwhile;butInowreachastageatwhichitseemspossibletojotdownaline.
Caroline'srecovery,extendingoverfourmonths,hasbeenveryengrossing;atfirstslow,latterlyrapid.Butafearfulcomplicationofaffairsattendsit!
OwhatatangledwebweweaveWhenfirstwepractisetodeceive!
CharleshaswrittenreproachfullytomefromVenice,whereheis.Hesayshowcanhefulfilintherealwhathehasenactedinthecounterfeit,whilehestilllovesme?Yethow,ontheotherhand,canheleaveitunfulfilled?AllthistimeIhavenottoldher,anduptothisminuteshebelievesthathehasindeedtakenherforbetter,forworse,tilldeaththemdopart.Itisaharassingpositionforme,andallthree.Intheawfulapproachofdeath,one'sjudgmentlosesitsbalance,andwedoanythingtomeettheexigenciesofthemoment,withasingleeyetotheonewhoexcitesoursympathy,andfromwhomweseemonthebrinkofbeingseparatedforever.
Hadhereallymarriedheratthattimeallwouldbesettlednow.Buthetooktoomuchthought;shemighthavedied,andthenhehadhisreason.Ifindeedithadturnedoutso,Ishouldnowbeperhapsasadwoman;butnotatempest-tossedoneThepossibilityofhisclaimingmeafteralliswhatliesattherootofmyagitation.
Everythinghangsbyathread.SupposeItellherthemarriagewasamockery;supposesheisindignantwithmeandwithhimforthedeception——andthen?Otherwise,supposesheisnotindignantbutforgivesall;heisboundtomarryher;andhonourconstrainsmetourgehimthereto,inspiteofwhatheprotests,andtosmooththewaytothisissuebymymethodofinformingher.Ihavemeanttotellherthelastmonth——eversinceshehasbeenstrongenoughtobearsuchtidings;butIhavebeenwithoutthepower——themoralforce.
SurelyImustwrite,andgethimtocomeandassistme.
March14——Shecontinuallywonderswhyhedoesnotcome,thefivemonthsofhisenforcedabsencehavingexpired;andstillmoreshewonderswhyhedoesnotwriteoftener.Hislastletterwascold,shesays,andshefearsheregretshismarriage,whichhemayonlyhavecelebratedwithherforpity'ssake,thinkingshewassuretodie.
Itmakesone'sheartbleedtohearherhoveringthussonearthetruth,andyetneverdiscerningitsactualshape.
Aminortroublebesetsme,too,inthepersonoftheyoungScripturereader,whoseconscienceprickshimforthepartheplayed.SurelyI
ampunished,ifeverwomanwere,foratooingeniousperversionofherbetterjudgment!
April2——Sheispracticallywell.Thefaintpinkrevivesinhercheek,thoughitisnotquitesofullasheretofore.Butshestillwonderswhatshecanhavedonetooffend'herdearhusband,'andI
havebeenobligedtotellthesmallestpartofthetruth——anunimportantfragmentofthewhole,infact,IsaidthatIfearedforthemomenthemightregrettheprecipitancyoftheact,whichherillnesscaused,hisaffairsnothavingbeenquitesufficientlyadvancedformarriagejustthen,thoughhewilldoubtlesscometoherassoonashehasahomeready.MeanwhileIhavewrittentohim,peremptorily,tocomeandrelievemeinthisawfuldilemma.Hewillfindnonoteofloveinthat.
April10——TomyalarmtheletterIlatelyaddressedtohimatVenice,whereheisstaying,aswellasthelastoneshesenthim,havereceivednoreply.Shethinksheisill.Idonotquitethinkthat,butIwishwecouldhearfromhim.Perhapstheperemptorinessofmywordshadoffendedhim;itgrievesmetothinkitpossible.
_I_offendhim!Buttoomuchofthis.IMUSTtellherthetruth,orshemayinherignorancecommitherselftosomecourseorotherthatmayberuinouslycompromising.Shesaidplaintivelyjustnowthatifhecouldseeher,andknowhowoccupiedwithhimandhimaloneishereverywakinghour,sheissurehewouldforgiveherthewickedpresumptionofbecominghiswife.Verysweetallthat,andtouching.
Icouldnotconcealmytears.
April15——Thehouseisinconfusion;myfatherisangryanddistressed,andIamdistracted.Carolinehasdisappeared——goneawaysecretly.IcannothelpthinkingthatIknowwheresheisgoneto.
HowguiltyIseem,andhowinnocentshe!OthatIhadtoldherbeforenow!
1o'clock——Notraceofherasyet.Wefindalsothatthelittlewaiting-maidwehavehereintraininghasdisappearedwithCaroline,andthereisnotmuchdoubtthatCaroline,fearingtotravelalone,hasinducedthisgirltogowithherascompanion.Iamalmostsureshehasstartedindesperationtofindhim,andthatVeniceishergoal.Whyshouldsherunaway,ifnottojoinherhusband,asshethinkshim?NowthatIconsider,therehavebeenindicationsofthiswishinherfordays,asinbirdsofpassagetherelurksignsoftheirincipientintention;andyetIdidnotthinkshewouldhavetakensuchanextremestep,unaided,andwithoutconsultingme.I
canonlyjotdownthebarefacts——Ihavenotimeforreflections.
ButfancyCarolinetravellingacrossthecontinentofEuropewithachitofagirl,whowillbemoreofachargethananassistance!
Theywillbeamarkforeverymarauderwhoencountersthem.
Evening:8o'clock——Yes,itisasIsurmised.Shehasgonetojoinhim.AnotepostedbyherinBudmouthRegisatdaybreakhasreachedmethisafternoon——thankstothefortunatechanceofoneoftheservantscallingforlettersintownto-day,orIshouldnothavegotituntilto-morrow.Shemerelyassertsherdeterminationofgoingtohim,andhasstartedprivately,thatnothingmayhinderher;statingnothingaboutherroute.Thatsuchagentlethingshouldsuddenlybecomesocalmlyresolutequitesurprisesme.Alas,hemayhaveleftVenice——shemaynotfindhimforweeks——maynotatall.
Myfather,onlearningthefacts,bademeatoncehaveeverythingreadybyninethisevening,intimetodrivetothetrainthatmeetsthenightsteam-boat.ThisIhavedone,andtherebeinganhourtosparebeforewestart,Irelievethesuspenseofwaitingbytakingupmypen.Hesaysovertakeherwemust,andcallsCharlesthehardestofnames.Hebelieves,ofcourse,thatsheismerelyaninfatuatedgirlrushingofftomeetherlover;andhowcanthewretchedItellhimthatsheismore,andinasensebetterthanthat——yetnotsufficientlymoreandbettertomakethisflighttoCharlesanythingbutastillgreaterdangertoherthanamerelover'simpulse.WeshallgobywayofParis,andwethinkwemayovertakeherthere.I
hearmyfatherwalkingrestlesslyupanddownthehall,andcanwritenomore.
CHAPTERVIII——SHETRAVELSINPURSUIT
April16.Evening,Paris,Hotel——Thereisnoovertakingheratthisplace;butshehasbeenhere,asIthought,nootherhotelinParisbeingknowntoher.Wegoonto-morrowmorning.
April18.Venice——Amorningofadventuresandemotionswhichleavemesickandweary,andyetunabletosleep,thoughIhavelaindownonthesofaofmyroomformorethananhourintheattempt.I
thereforemakeupmydiarytodateinahurriedfashion,forthesakeoftheriddanceitaffordstoideaswhichotherwiseremainsuspendedhotlyinthebrain.
Wearrivedherethismorninginbroadsunlight,whichlitupthesea-
girtbuildingsasweapproachedsothattheyseemedlikeacityofcorkfloatingraft-likeonthesmooth,bluedeep.ButIonlyglancedfromthecarriagewindowatthelovelyscene,andweweresoonacrosstheinterveningwaterandinsidetherailwaystation.Whenwegottothefrontstepstherowofblackgondolasandtheshoutsofthegondolierssobewilderedmyfatherthathewasunderstoodtorequiretwogondolasinsteadofonewithtwooars,andsoIfoundhiminoneandmyselfinanother.Wegotthisrightedafterawhile,andwererowedatoncetothehotelontheRivadegliSchiavoniwhereM.delaFestehadbeenstayingwhenwelastheardfromhim,thewaybeingdowntheGrandCanalforsomedistance,undertheRialto,andthenbynarrowcanalswhicheventuallybroughtusundertheBridgeofSighs——
harmonioustoourmoods!——andoutagainintoopenwater.Thescenewaspurityitselfastocolour,butitwascruelthatIshouldbeholditforthefirsttimeundersuchcircumstances.
AssoonasIenteredthehotel,whichisanold-fashionedplace,likemostplaceshere,wherepeoplearetakenenpensionaswellastheordinaryway,Irushedtotheframedlistofvisitorshanginginthehall,andinamomentIsawCharles'snameuponitamongtherest.
Butshewasourchiefthought.Iturnedtothehallporter,and——
knowingthatshewouldhavetravelledas'MadamedelaFeste'——I
askedforherunderthatname,withoutmyfatherhearing.He,poorsoul,wasmakingconfusedinquiriesoutsidethedoorabout'anEnglishlady,'asiftherewerenotascoreofEnglishladiesathand.
'Shehasjustcome,'saidtheporter.'Madamecamebytheveryearlytrainthismorning,whenMonsieurwasasleep,andsherequestedusnottodisturbhim.Sheisnowinherroom.'
WhetherCarolinehadseenusfromthewindow,oroverheardme,Idonotknow,butatthatmomentIheardfootstepsonthebaremarblestairs,andsheappearedinpersondescending.
'Caroline!'Iexclaimed,'whyhaveyoudonethis?'andrusheduptoher.
Shedidnotanswer;butlookeddowntohideheremotion,whichsheconqueredafterthelapseofafewseconds,puttingonapracticaltonethatbeliedher.
'Iamjustgoingtomyhusband,'shesaid.'Ihavenotyetseenhim.
Ihavenotbeenherelong.'Shecondescendedtogivenofurtherreasonforhermovements,andmadeasiftomoveon.IimploredhertocomeintoaprivateroomwhereIcouldspeaktoherinconfidence,butsheobjected.However,thedining-room,closeathand,wasquiteemptyatthishour,andIgotherinsideandclosedthedoor.IdonotknowhowIbeganmyexplanation,orhowIendedit,butItoldherbrieflyandbrokenlyenoughthatthemarriagewasnotreal.
'Notreal?'shesaidvacantly.
'Itisnot,'saidI.'YouwillfindthatitisallasIsay.'
Shecouldnotbelievemymeaningeventhen.'Nothiswife?'shecried.'Itisimpossible.WhatamI,then?'
Iaddedmoredetails,andreiteratedthereasonformyconductaswellasIcould;butHeavenknowshowverydifficultIfoundittofeelajotmorejustificationforitinmyownmindthanshedidinhers.
Therevulsionoffeeling,assoonasshereallycomprehendedall,wasmostdistressing.Afterhergriefhadinsomemeasurespentitselfsheturnedagainstbothhimandme.
'WhyshouldhaveIbeendeceivedlikethis?'shedemanded,withabitterhaughtinessofwhichIhadnotdeemedsuchatractablecreaturecapable.'DoyousupposethatANYTHINGcouldjustifysuchanimposition?What,Owhatasnareyouhavespreadforme!'
Imurmured,'Yourlifeseemedtorequireit,'butshedidnothearme.Shesankdowninachair,coveredherface,andthenmyfathercamein.'O,hereyouare!'hesaid.'Icouldnotfindyou.AndCaroline!'
'AndwereYOU,papa,apartytothisstrangedeedofkindness?'
'Towhat?'saidhe.
Thenoutitallcame,andforthefirsttimehewasmadeacquaintedwiththefactthattheschemeforsoothingherillness,whichIhadsoundedhimupon,hadbeenreallycarriedout.InamomenthesidedwithCaroline.Myrepeatedassurancethatmymotivewasgoodavailedlessthannothing.InaminuteortwoCarolinearoseandwentabruptlyoutoftheroom,andmyfatherfollowedher,leavingmealonetomyreflections.
IwassobentuponfindingCharlesimmediatelythatIdidnotnoticewhithertheywent.TheservantstoldmethatM.delaFestewasjustoutsidesmoking,andoneofthemwenttolookforhim,Ifollowing;
butbeforewehadgonemanystepshecameoutofthehotelbehindme.
Iexpectedhimtobeamazed;butheshowednosurpriseatseeingme,thoughheshowedanotherkindoffeelingtoanextentwhichdismayedme.Imayhaverevealedsomethingsimilar;butIstruggledhardagainstallemotion,andassoonasIcouldItoldhimshehadcome.
Hesimplysaid'Yes'inalowvoice.
'Youknowit,Charles?'saidI.
'Ihavejustlearntit,'hesaid.
'O,Charles,'Iwenton,'havingdelayedcompletingyourmarriagewithhertillnow,Ifear——ithasbecomeaseriouspositionforus.
Whydidyounotreplytoourletters?'
'Iwaspurposingtoreplyinperson:Ididnotknowhowtoaddressheronthepoint——howtoaddressyou.Butwhathasbecomeofher?'
'Shehasgoneoffwithmyfather,'saidI;'indignantwithyou,andscorningme.'
Hewassilent:andIsuggestedthatweshouldfollowthem,pointingoutthedirectionwhichIfanciedtheirgondolahadtaken.Astheonewegotintowasdoublymannedwesooncameinviewoftheirtwofiguresaheadofus,whiletheywerenotlikelytoobserveus,ourboathavingthe'felze'on,whiletheirswasuncovered.TheyshotintoanarrowcanaljustbeyondtheGiardinoReale,andbythetimewewerefloatingupbetweenitsslimywallswesawthemgettingoutoftheirgondolaatthestepswhichleadupneartheendoftheVia22Marzo.WhenwereachedthesamespottheywerewalkingupanddowntheViainconsultation.Gettingouthestoodonthelowerstepswatchingthem.Iwatchedhim.Heseemedtofallintoareverie.
'Willyounotgoandspeaktoher?'saidIatlength.
Heassented,andwentforward.Stillhedidnothastentojointhem,but,screenedbyaprojectingwindow,observedtheirmusingconverse.
Atlasthelookedbackatme;whereuponIpointedforward,andheinobediencesteppedout,andmetthemfacetoface.Carolineflushedhot,bowedhaughtilytohim,turnedaway,andtakingmyfather'sarmviolently,ledhimoffbeforehehadhadtimetousehisownjudgment.Theydisappearedintoanarrowcalle,oralley,leadingtothebackofthebuildingsontheGrandCanal.
M.delaFestecameslowlyback;ashesteppedinbesidemeI
realizedmypositionsovividlythatmyheartmightalmosthavebeenheardtobeat.Thethirdconditionhadarisen——theleastexpectedbyeitherofus.Shehadrefusedhim;hewasfreetoclaimme.
Wereturnedintheboattogether.HeseemedquiteabsorbedtillwehadturnedtheangleintotheGrandCanal,whenhebrokethesilence.
'Shespokeverybitterlytoyouinthesalle-a-manger,'hesaid.'I
donotthinkshewasquitewarrantedinspeakingsotoyou,whohadnursedhersotenderly.'
'O,butIthinkshewas,'Ianswered.'ItwasthereItoldherwhathadbeendone;shedidnotknowtillthen.'
'Shewasverydignified——verystriking,'hemurmured.'Youweremore.'
'Buthowdoyouknowwhatpassedbetweenus,'saidI.Hethentoldmethathehadseenandheardall.Thedining-roomwasdividedbyfolding-doorsfromaninnerportion,andhehadbeensittinginthelatterpartwhenweenteredtheouter,sothatourwordsweredistinctlyaudible.
'But,dearAlicia,'hewenton,'Iwasmoreimpressedbytheaffectionofyourapologytoherthanbyanythingelse.Anddoyouknowthatnowtheconditionshavearisenwhichgivemelibertytoconsideryoumyaffianced?'Ihadbeenexpectingthis,butyetwasnotprepared.Istammeredoutthatwewouldnotdiscussitthen.
'Whynot?'saidhe.'Doyouknowthatwemaymarryhereandnow?
Shehascastoffbothyouandme.'
'Itcannotbe,'saidI,firmly.'Shehasnotbeenfairlyaskedtobeyourwifeinfact——torepeattheservicelawfully;anduntilthathasbeendoneitwouldbegrievoussininmetoacceptyou.'
Ihadnotnoticedwherethegondolierswererowingus.Isupposehehadgiventhemsomedirectionunheardbyme,forasIresignedmyselfindespairingindolencetothemotionofthegondola,IperceivedthatitwastakingusuptheCanal,and,turningintoasideopeningnearthePalazzoGrimani,drewupatsomestepsneartheendofalargechurch.
'Wherearewe?'saidI.
'ItistheChurchoftheFrari,'hereplied.'Wemightbemarriedthere.Atanyrate,letusgoinside,andgrowcalm,anddecidewhattodo.'
WhenwehadenteredIfoundthatwhetheraplacetomarryinornot,itwasonetodepress.ThewordwhichVenicespeaksmostconstantly——
decay——wasinasenseaccentuatedhere.Thewholelargefabricitselfseemedsinkingintoanearthwhichwasnotsolidenoughtobearit.Cobwebbedcrackszigzaggedthewalls,andsimilarwebscloudedthewindow-panes.Asickly-sweetsmellpervadedtheaisles.
Afterwalkingaboutwithhimalittlewhileinembarrassingsilences,dividedonlybyhiscursoryexplanationsofthemonumentsandotherobjects,andalmostfearinghemightproduceamarriagelicence,I
wenttoadoorinthesouthtranseptwhichopenedintothesacristy.
Iglancedthroughit,towardsthesmallaltarattheupperend.Theplacewasemptysaveofonefigure;andshewaskneelinghereinfrontofthebeautifulaltarpiecebyBellini.Beautifulthoughitwassheseemednottoseeit.Shewasweepingandprayingasthoughherheartwasbroken.ShewasmysisterCaroline.IbeckonedtoCharles,andhecametomyside,andlookedthroughthedoorwithme.
'Speaktoher,'saidI.'Shewillforgiveyou.'
Igentlypushedhimthroughthedoorway,andwentbackintothetransept,downthenave,andonwardtothewestdoor.ThereIsawmyfather,towhomIspoke.Heansweredseverelythat,havingfirstobtainedcomfortablequartersinapensionontheGrandCanal,hehadgonebacktothehotelontheRivadegliSchiavonitofindme;butthatIwasnotthere.HewasnowwaitingforCaroline,toaccompanyherbacktothepension,atwhichshehadrequestedtobelefttoherselfasmuchaspossibletillshecouldregainsomecomposure.
Itoldhimthatitwasuselesstodwellonwhatwaspast,thatInodoubthaderred,thattheremedylayinthefutureandtheirmarriage.Inthishequiteagreedwithme,andonmyinforminghimthatM.delaFestewasatthatmomentwithCarolineinthesacristy,heassentedtomyproposalthatweshouldleavethemtothemselves,andreturntogethertoawaitthematthepension,wherehehadalsoengagedaroomforme.Thiswedid,andgoinguptothechamberhehadchosenforme,whichoverlookedtheCanal,IleantfromthewindowtowatchforthegondolathatshouldcontainCharlesandmysister.
Theywerenotlongincoming.Irecognizedthembythecolourofhersunshadeassoonastheyturnedthebendonmyrighthand.Theyweresidebysideofnecessity,buttherewasnoconversationbetweenthem,andIthoughtthatshelookedflushedandhepale.Whentheywererowedintothestepsofourhousehehandedherup.Ifanciedshemighthaverefusedhisassistance,butshedidnot.SoonIheardherpassmydoor,andwishingtoknowtheresultoftheirinterviewI
wentdownstairs,seeingthatthegondolahadnotputoffwithhim.
Hewasturningfromthedoor,butnottowardsthewater,intendingapparentlytowalkhomebywayofthecallewhichledintotheVia22
Marzo.
'Hassheforgivenyou?'saidI.
'Ihavenotaskedher,'hesaid.
'Butyouareboundtodoso,'Itoldhim.
Hepaused,andthensaid,'Alicia,letusunderstandeachother.Doyoumeantotellme,onceforall,thatifyoursisteriswillingtobecomemywifeyouabsolutelymakewayforher,andwillnotentertainanythoughtofwhatIsuggestedtoyouanymore?'
'Idotellyouso,'saidIwithdrylips.'Youbelongtoher——howcanIdootherwise?'
'Yes;itisso;itispurelyaquestionofhonour,'hereturned.
'Verywellthen,honourshallbemyword,andnotmylove.Iwillputthequestiontoherfrankly;ifshesaysyes,themarriageshallbe.Butnothere.ItshallbeatyourownhouseinEngland.'
'When?'saidI.
'Iwillaccompanyherthere,'hereplied,'anditshallbewithinaweekofherreturn.Ihavenothingtogainbydelay.ButIwillnotanswerfortheconsequences.'
'Whatdoyoumean?'saidI.Hemadenoreply,wentaway,andIcamebacktomyroom.
CHAPTERIX——SHEWITNESSESTHEEND
April20.Milan,10.30p.m——Wearethusfaronourwayhomeward.
I,beingdecidedlydetrop,travelapartfromtherestasmuchasI
can.Havingdinedatthehotelhere,Iwentoutbymyself;
regardlessoftheproprieties,forIcouldnotstayin.IwalkedataleisurelypacealongtheViaAllesandroManzonitillmyeyewascaughtbythegrandGalleriaVittorioEmanuele,andIenteredunderthehighglassarcadestillIreachedthecentraloctagon,whereI
satdownononeofagroupofchairsplacedthere.Becomingaccustomedtothestreamofpromenaders,Isoonobserved,seatedonthechairsopposite,CarolineandCharles.ThiswasthefirstoccasiononwhichIhadseenthementete-a-tetesincemyconversationwithhim.Shesooncaughtsightofme;avertedhereyes;then,apparentlyabandoningherselftoanimpulse,shejumpedupfromherseatandcameacrosstome.WehadnotspokentoeachothersincethemeetinginVenice.
'Alicia,'shesaid,sittingdownbymyside,'Charlesasksmetoforgiveyou,andIdoforgiveyou.'
Ipressedherhand,withtearsinmyeyes,andsaid,'Anddoyouforgivehim?'
'Yes,'saidshe,shyly.
'Andwhat'stheresult?'saidI.
'Wearetobemarrieddirectlywereachhome.'
Thiswasalmostthewholeofourconversation;shewalkedhomewithme,Charlesfollowingalittlewaybehind,thoughshekeptturningherhead,asifanxiousthatheshouldovertakeus.'Honourandnotlove'seemedtoringinmyears.Somattersstand.Carolineisagainhappy.
April25——Wehavereachedhome,Charleswithus.Eventsarenowmovinginsilentspeed,almostwithvelocity,indeed;andIsometimesfeeloppressedbythestrangeandpreternaturaleasewhichseemstoaccompanytheirflow.Charlesisstayingattheneighbouringtown;
heisonlywaitingforthemarriagelicence;whenobtainedheistocomehere,bequietlymarriedtoher,andcarryheroff.Itisratherresignationthancontentwhichsitsonhisface;buthehasnotspokenawordmoretomeontheburningsubject,ordeviatedonehair'sbreadthfromthecoursehelaiddown.Theymaybehappyintimetocome:Ihopeso.ButIcannotshakeoffdepression.
May6——Eveofthewedding.Carolineisserenelyhappy,thoughnotblithe.Butthereisnothingtoexciteanxietyabouther.IwishI
couldsaythesameofhim.Hecomesandgoeslikeaghost,andyetnobodyseemstoobservethisstrangenessinhismien.
Icouldnothelpbeingherefortheceremony;butmyabsencewouldhaveresultedinlessdisquietonhispart,Ibelieve.However,I
maybewronginattributingcauses:myfathersimplysaysthatCharlesandCarolinehaveasgoodachanceofbeinghappyasotherpeople.Well,to-morrowsettlesall.
May7——Theyaremarried:wehavejustreturnedfromchurch.
Charleslookedsopalethismorningthatmyfatheraskedhimifhewasill.Hesaid,'No:onlyaslightheadache;'andwestartedforthechurch.
Therewasnohitchorhindrance;andthethingisdone.
4p.m——Theyoughttohavesetoutontheirjourneybythistime;butthereisanunaccountabledelay.Charleswentouthalf-an-hourago,andhasnotyetreturned.Carolineiswaitinginthehall;butIamdreadfullyafraidtheywillmissthetrain.Isupposethetriflinghindranceisofnoaccount;andyetIamfullofmisgivings
Sept.14——Fourmonthshavepassed;ONLYfourmonths!Itseemslikeyears.CanitbethatonlyseventeenweeksagoIsetonthispaperthefactoftheirmarriage?Iamnowanagedwomanbycomparison!
Onthatnevertobeforgottendaywewaitedandwaited,andCharlesdidnotreturn.Atsixo'clock,whenpoorlittleCarolinehadgonebacktoherroominastateofsuspenseimpossibletodescribe,amanwhoworkedinthewater-meadowscametothehouseandaskedformyfather.Hehadaninterviewwithhiminthestudy.Myfatherthenranghisbell,andsentforme.Iwentdown;andIthenlearntthefatalnews.Charleswasnomore.Thewatermanhadbeengoingtoshutdownthehatchesofaweirinthemeadswhenhesawahatontheedgeofthepoolbelow,floatingroundandroundintheeddy,andlookingintothepoolsawsomethingstrangeatthebottom.Heknewwhatitmeant,andloweringthehatchessothatthewaterwasstill,coulddistinctlyseethebody.Itisneedlesstowriteparticularsthatwereinthenewspapersatthetime.Charleswasbroughttothehouse,buthewasdead.
WeallfearedforCaroline;andshesufferedmuch;butstrangetosay,hersufferingwaspurelyofthenatureofdeepgriefwhichfoundreliefinsobbingandtears.ItcameoutattheinquestthatCharleshadbeenaccustomedtocrossthemeadstogiveanoccasionalhalf-
crowntoanoldmanwholivedontheoppositehill,whohadoncebeenalandscapepainterinanhumblewaytillhelosthiseyesight;anditwasassumedthathehadgonethitherforthesamepurposeto-day,andtobidhimfarewell.Onthisinformationthecoroner'sjuryfoundthathisdeathhadbeencausedbymisadventure;andeverybodybelievestothishourthathewasdrownedwhilecrossingtheweirtorelievetheoldman.Exceptone:shebelievesinnoaccident.
Afterthestunningeffectofthefirstnews,Ithoughtitstrangethatheshouldhavechosentogoonsuchanerrandatthelastmoment,andtogopersonally,whentherewassolittletimetospare,sinceanygiftcouldhavebeensoeasilysentbyanotherhand.
Furtherreflectionhasconvincedmethatthisstepoutoflifewasasmuchapartoftheday'splanaswastheweddinginthechurchhardby.TheywerethetwohalvesofhiscompleteintentionwhenhegavemeontheGrandCanalthatassurancewhichIshallneverforget:
'Verywell,then;honourshallbemyword,notlove.Ifshesays"Yes,"themarriageshallbe.'
IdonotknowwhyIshouldhavemadethisentryatthisparticulartime;butithasoccurredtometodoit——tocomplete,inameasure,thatpartofmydesultorychroniclewhichrelatestothelove-storyofmysisterandCharles.Shelivesonmeeklyinhergrief;andwillprobablyoutliveit;whileI——butnevermindme.
CHAPTERX——SHEADDSANOTELONGAFTER
Five-yearslater——Ihavelighteduponthisolddiary,whichithasinterestedmetolookover,containing,asitdoes,recordsofthetimewhenlifeshonemorewarmlyinmyeyethanitdoesnow.Iamimpelledtoaddonesentencetoroundoffitsrecordofthepast.
AboutayearagomysisterCaroline,afterapersistentwooing,acceptedthehandandheartofTheophilusHigham,oncetheblushingyoungScripturereaderwhoassistedatthesubstituteforamarriageIplanned,andnowthefully-ordainedcurateofthenextparish.Hispenitenceforthepartheplayedendedinlove.Wehaveallnowmadeatonementforoursinsagainsther:mayshebedeceivednomore.
1887.
THEGRAVEBYTHEHANDPOST
IneverpassthroughChalk-Newtonwithoutturningtoregardtheneighbouringupland,atapointwherealanecrossesthelonestraighthighwaydividingthisfromthenextparish;asightwhichdoesnotfailtorecalltheeventthatoncehappenedthere;and,thoughitmayseemsuperfluous,atthisdate,todisintermorememoriesofvillagehistory,thewhispersofthatspotmayclaimtobepreserved.
Itwasonadark,yetmildandexceptionallydryeveningatChristmas-timeaccordingtothetestimonyofWilliamDewyofMellstock,MichaelMail,andothers,thatthechoirofChalk-Newton——
alargeparishsituateabouthalf-waybetweenthetownsofIvelandCasterbridge,andnowarailwaystation——lefttheirhomesjustbeforemidnighttorepeattheirannualharmoniesunderthewindowsofthelocalpopulation.Thebandofinstrumentalistsandsingerswasoneofthelargestinthecounty;and,unlikethesmallerandfinerMellstockstring-band,whicheschewedallbutthecatgut,itincludedbrassandreedperformersatfullSundayservices,andreachedallacrossthewestgallery.
Onthisnightthereweretwoorthreeviolins,two'cellos,atenorviol,doublebass,hautboy,clarionets,serpent,andsevensingers.
Itwas,however,notthechoir'slabours,butwhatitsmemberschancedtowitness,thatparticularlymarkedtheoccasion.
Theyhadpursuedtheirroundsformanyyearswithoutmeetingwithanyincidentofanunusualkind,butto-night,accordingtotheassertionsofseveral,thereprevailed,tobeginwith,anexceptionallysolemnandthoughtfulmoodamongtwoorthreeoftheoldestintheband,asiftheywerethinkingtheymightbejoinedbythephantomsofdeadfriendswhohadbeenoftheirnumberinearlieryears,andnowweremuteinthechurchyardunderflatteningmounds——
friendswhohadshowngreaterzestformelodyintheirtimethanwasshowninthis;orthatsomepastvoiceofasemi-transparentfiguremightquaverfromsomebedroom-windowitsacknowledgmentoftheirnocturnalgreeting,insteadofafamiliarlivingneighbour.Whetherthiswerefactorfancy,theyoungermembersofthechoirmettogetherwiththeircustomarythoughtlessnessandbuoyancy.Whentheyhadgatheredbythestonestumpofthecrossinthemiddleofthevillage,neartheWhiteHorseInn,whichtheymadetheirstartingpoint,someoneobservedthattheywerefullearly,thatitwasnotyettwelveo'clock.ThelocalwaitsofthosedaysmostlyrefrainedfromsoundinganotebeforeChristmasmorninghadastronomicallyarrived,andnotcaringtoreturntotheirbeer,theydecidedtobeginwithsomeoutlyingcottagesinSidlinchLane,wherethepeoplehadnoclocks,andwouldnotknowwhetheritwerenightormorning.
Inthatdirectiontheyaccordinglywent;andastheyascendedtohighergroundtheirattentionwasattractedbyalightbeyondthehouses,quiteatthetopofthelane.
TheroadfromChalk-NewtontoBroadSidlinchisabouttwomileslongandinthemiddleofitscourse,whereitpassesovertheridgedividingthetwovillages,itcrossesatrightangles,ashasbeenstated,thelonelymonotonousoldhighwayknownasLongAshLane,whichruns,straightasasurveyor'sline,manymilesnorthandsouthofthisspot,onthefoundationofaRomanroad,andhasoftenbeenmentionedinthesenarratives.Thoughnowquitedesertedandgrass-
grown,atthebeginningofthecenturyitwaswellkeptandfrequentedbytraffic.Theglimmeringlightappearedtocomefromtheprecisepointwheretheroadsintersected.
'IthinkIknowwhatthatmidmean!'oneofthegroupremarked.
Theystoodafewmoments,discussingtheprobabilityofthelighthavingorigininaneventofwhichrumourshadreachedthem,andresolvedtogoupthehill.
Approachingthehighlandtheirconjectureswerestrengthened.LongAshLanecutathwartthem,rightandleft;andtheysawthatatthejunctionofthefourways,underthehand-post,agravewasdug,intowhich,asthechoirdrewnigh,acorpsehadjustbeenthrownbythefourSidlinchmenemployedforthepurpose.Thecartandhorsewhichhadbroughtthebodythitherstoodsilentlyby.
ThesingersandmusiciansfromChalk-Newtonhalted,andlookedonwhilethegravediggersshovelledinandtroddowntheearth,till,theholebeingfilled,thelatterthrewtheirspadesintothecart,andpreparedtodepart.
'Whomidyebea-buryingthere?'askedLotSwanhillsinaraisedvoice.'Notthesergeant?'
TheSidlinchmenhadbeensodeeplyengrossedintheirtaskthattheyhadnotnoticedthelanternsoftheChalk-Newtonchoirtillnow.
'What——beyoutheNewtoncarol-singers?'returnedtherepresentativesofSidlinch.
'Ay,sure.CanitbethatitisoldSergeantHolwayyou'vea-buriedthere?'
''Tisso.You'veheardaboutit,then?'
Thechoirknewnoparticulars——onlythathehadshothimselfinhisapple-closetonthepreviousSunday.'Nobodyseem'thtoknowwhat'adiditfor,'ab'lieve?Leastwise,wedon'tknowatChalk-Newton,'
continuedLot.
'Oyes.Itallcameoutattheinquest.'
Thesingersdrewclose,andtheSidlinchmen,pausingtorestaftertheirlabours,toldthestory.'Itwasallowingtothatsonofhis,pooroldman.Itbrokehisheart.'
'Butthesonisasoldier,surely;nowwithhisregimentintheEastIndies?'
'Ay.Andithavebeenroughwiththearmyovertherelately.'Twasapityhisfatherpersuadedhimtogo.ButLukeshouldn'thavetwytedthesergeanto't,since'adiditforthebest.'
Thecircumstances,inbrief,werethese:Thesergeantwhohadcometothislamentableend,fatheroftheyoungsoldierwhohadgonewithhisregimenttotheEast,hadbeensingularlycomfortableinhismilitaryexperiences,thesehavingendedlongbeforetheoutbreakofthegreatwarwithFrance.Onhisdischarge,afterdulyservinghistime,hehadreturnedtohisnativevillage,andmarried,andtakenkindlytodomesticlife.ButthewarinwhichEnglandnextinvolvedherselfhadcosthimmanyfrettingsthatageandinfirmitypreventedhimfrombeingeveragainanactiveunitofthearmy.Whenhisonlysongrewtoyoungmanhood,andthequestionaroseofhisgoingoutinlife,theladexpressedhiswishtobeamechanic.Buthisfatheradvisedenthusiasticallyforthearmy.
'Tradeiscomingtonothinginthesedays,'hesaid.'AndifthewarwiththeFrenchlasts,asitwill,tradewillbestillworse.Thearmy,Luke——that'sthethingfor'ee.'Twasthemakingofme,and'twillbethemakingofyou.Ihadn'thalfsuchachanceasyou'llhaveinthesesplendidhottertimes.'
Lukedemurred,forhewasahome-keeping,peace-lovingyouth.But,puttingrespectfultrustinhisfather'sjudgment,heatlengthgaveway,andenlistedinthe——dFoot.InthecourseofafewweekshewassentouttoIndiatohisregiment,whichhaddistinguisheditselfintheEastunderGeneralWellesley.
ButLukewasunlucky.Newscamehomeindirectlythathelaysickoutthere;andthenononerecentdaywhenhisfatherwasoutwalking,theoldmanhadreceivedtidingsthataletterawaitedhimatCasterbridge.Thesergeantsentaspecialmessengerthewholeninemiles,andtheletterwaspaidforandbroughthome;butthough,ashehadguessed,itcamefromLuke,itscontentswereofanunexpectedtenor.
Theletterhadbeenwrittenduringatimeofdeepdepression.Lukesaidthathislifewasaburdenandaslavery,andbitterlyreproachedhisfatherforadvisinghimtoembarkonacareerforwhichhefeltunsuited.Hefoundhimselfsufferingfatiguesandillnesseswithoutgainingglory,andengagedinacausewhichhedidnotunderstandorappreciate.Ifithadnotbeenforhisfather'sbadadvicehe,Luke,wouldnowhavebeenworkingcomfortablyatatradeinthevillagethathehadneverwishedtoleave.
Afterreadingtheletterthesergeantadvancedafewstepstillhewasquiteoutofsightofeverybody,andthensatdownonthebankbythewayside.
Whenhearosehalf-an-hourlaterhelookedwitheredandbroken,andfromthatdayhisnaturalspiritslefthim.Woundedtothequickbyhisson'ssarcasticstings,heindulgedinliquormoreandmorefrequently.Hiswifehaddiedsomeyearsbeforethisdate,andthesergeantlivedaloneinthehousewhichhadbeenhers.OnemorningintheDecemberundernoticethereportofagunhadbeenheardonhispremises,andonenteringtheneighboursfoundhiminadyingstate.Hehadshothimselfwithanoldfirelockthatheusedforscaringbirds;andfromwhathehadsaidthedaybefore,andthearrangementshehadmadeforhisdecease,therewasnodoubtthathisendhadbeendeliberatelyplanned,asaconsequenceofthedespondencyintowhichhehadbeenthrownbyhisson'sletter.Thecoroner'sjuryreturnedaverdictoffelodese.
'Here'shisson'sletter,'saidoneoftheSidlinchmen.''Twasfoundinhisfather'spocket.Youcanseebythestateo'thowmanytimeshereaditover.Howsomever,theLord'swillbedone,sinceitmust,whetherorno.'
Thegravewasfilledupandlevelled,nomoundbeingshapedoverit.
TheSidlinchmenthenbadetheChalk-Newtonchoirgood-night,anddepartedwiththecartinwhichtheyhadbroughtthesergeant'sbodytothehill.Whentheirtreadhaddiedawayfromtheear,andthewindsweptovertheisolatedgravewithitscustomarysiffleofindifference,LotSwanhillsturnedandspoketooldRichardToller,thehautboyplayer.
''Tisharduponaman,andheawoldsojer,toserveenso,Richard.
Notthatthesergeantwaseverinabattlebiggerthanwouldgointoahalf-acrepaddock,that'strue.Still,hissouloughttohaeasgoodachanceasanotherman's,allthesame,hey?'
Richardrepliedthathewasquiteofthesameopinion.'Whatd'yesaytoliftingupacarreloverhisgrave,as'tisChristmas,andnohurrytobegindowninparish,and'twouldn'ttakeuptenminutes,andnotasoulupheretosayusnay,orknowanythingaboutit?'
Lotnoddedassent.'Themanoughttohaehischances,'herepeated.
'Yemayaswellspetuponhisgrave,forallthegoodweshalldoenbywhatweliftup,nowhe'sgotsofar,'saidNotton,theclarionetmanandprofessedscepticofthechoir.'ButI'magreediftherestbe.'
Theythereuponplacedthemselvesinasemicirclebythenewlystirredearth,androusedthedullairwiththewell-knownNumberSixteenoftheircollection,whichLotgaveoutasbeingtheonehethoughtbestsuitedtotheoccasionandthemoodHecomes'thepri'-sonersto're-lease',InSa'-tan'sbon'-dageheld'.
'Jownit——we'veneverplayedtoadeadmanafore,'saidEzraCattstock,when,havingconcludedthelastverse,theystoodreflectingforabreathortwo.'Butitdoseemmoremercifulthantogoawayandleaveen,astheyt'otherfellershavedone.'
'NowbackalongtoNewton,andbythetimewegetoverrightthepa'son's'twillbehalfaftertwelve,'saidtheleader.
Theyhadnot,however,donemorethangatheruptheirinstrumentswhenthewindbroughttotheirnoticethenoiseofavehiclerapidlydrivenupthesamelanefromSidlinchwhichthegravediggershadlatelyretraced.Toavoidbeingrunoverwhenmovingon,theywaitedtillthebenightedtraveller,whoeverhemightbe,shouldpassthemwheretheystoodinthewiderareaoftheCross.
Inhalfaminutethelightofthelanternsfelluponahiredfly,drawnbyasteamingandjadedhorse.Itreachedthehand-post,whenavoicefromtheinsidecried,'Stophere!'Thedriverpulledrein.
Thecarriagedoorwasopenedfromwithin,andthereleaptoutaprivatesoldierintheuniformofsomelineregiment.Helookedaround,andwasapparentlysurprisedtoseethemusiciansstandingthere.
'Haveyouburiedamanhere?'heasked.
'No.Webain'tSidlinchfolk,thankGod;webeNewtonchoir.Thoughamanisjustburiedhere,that'strue;andwe'veraisedacarreloverthepoormortal'snatomy.What——domyeyesseebeforemeyoungLukeHolway,thatwentwi'hisregimenttotheEastIndies,ordoI
seehisspiritstraightfromthebattlefield?Beyouthesonthatwrotetheletter——'
'Don't——don'taskme.Thefuneralisover,then?'
'Therewernofuneral,inaChristenmannerofspeaking.But'sburied,sureenough.Youmusthavemetthemengoingbackintheemptycart.'
'Likeadoginaditch,andallthroughme!'
Heremainedsilent,lookingatthegrave,andtheycouldnothelppityinghim.'Myfriends,'hesaid,'Iunderstandbetternow.Youhave,Isuppose,inneighbourlycharity,sungpeacetohissoul?I
thankyou,frommyheart,foryourkindpity.Yes;IamSergeantHolway'smiserableson——I'mthesonwhohasbroughtabouthisfather'sdeath,astrulyasifIhaddoneitwithmyownhand!'
'No,no.Don'tyetakeonso,youngman.He'dbeennaturallylowforagoodwhile,offandon,sowehear.'