TwoorthreepersonshavingatdifferenttimesintimatedthatifIwouldwriteanautobiographytheywouldreadit,whentheygotleisure,Iyieldatlasttothisfrenziedpublicdemand,andherewithtendermyhistory:
Oursisanobleoldhouse,andstretchesalongwaybackintoantiquity.
TheearliestancestortheTwainshaveanyrecordofwasafriendofthefamilybythenameofHiggins.Thiswasintheeleventhcentury,whenourpeoplewerelivinginAberdeen,countyofCork,England.Whyitisthatourlonglinehaseversincebornethematernalnameexceptwhenoneofthemnowandthentookaplayfulrefugeinanaliastoavertfoolishness,insteadofHiggins,isamysterywhichnoneofushaseverfeltmuchdesiretostir.Itisakindofvague,prettyromance,andweleaveitalone.Alltheoldfamiliesdothatway.
ArthourTwainwasamanofconsiderablenoteasolicitoronthehighwayinWilliamRufus'time.AtabouttheageofthirtyhewenttooneofthosefineoldEnglishplacesofresortcalledNewgate,toseeaboutsomething,andneverreturnedagain.Whiletherehediedsuddenly.
AugustusTwain,seemstohavemadesomethingofastirabout-theyear1160.Hewasasfulloffunashecouldbe,andusedtotakehisoldsabreandsharpenitup,andgetinaconvenientplaceonadarknight,andstickitthroughpeopleastheywentby,toseethemjump.Hewasabornhumorist.Buthegottogoingtoofarwithit;andthefirsttimehewasfoundstrippingoneoftheseparties,theauthoritiesremovedoneendofhim,andputituponanicehighplaceonTempleBar,whereitcouldcontemplatethepeopleandhaveagoodtime.Heneverlikedanysituationsomuchorstucktoitsolong.
Thenforthenexttwohundredyearsthefamilytreeshowsasuccessionofsoldiers——noble,high-spiritedfellows,whoalwayswentintobattlesinging;rightbehindthearmy,andalwayswentouta-whooping,rightaheadofit.
ThisisascathingrebuketoolddeadFroissart'spoorwitticismthatourfamilytreeneverhadbutonelimbtoit,andthatthatonestuckoutatrightangles,andborefruitwinter,andsummer.
OURFAMILYTREE
EarlyinthefifteenthcenturywehaveBeauTwain,called"theScholar."
Hewroteabeautiful,beautifulhand.Andhecouldimitateanybody'shandsocloselythatitwasenoughtomakeapersonlaughhisheadofftoseeit.Hehadinfinitesportwithhistalent.Butbyandbyhetookacontracttobreakstoneforaroad,andtheroughnessoftheworkspoiledhishand.Still,heenjoyedlifeallthetimehewasinthestonebusiness,which,withinconsiderableintervals,wassomeforty-twoyears.
Infact,hediedinharness.Duringallthoselongyearshegavesuchsatisfactionthatheneverwasthroughwithonecontractaweektillgovernmentgavehimanother.Hewasaperfectpet.Andhewasalwaysafavoritewithhisfellow-artists,andwasaconspicuousmemberoftheirbenevolentsecretsociety,calledtheChainGang.Healwaysworehishairshort,hadapreferenceforstripedclothes,anddiedlamentedbythegovernment.Hewasasorelosstohiscountry.Forhewassoregular.
SomeyearslaterwehavetheillustriousJohnMorganTwain.HecameovertothiscountrywithColumbusin1492,asapassenger.Heappearstohavebeenofacrusty,uncomfortabledisposition.Hecomplainedofthefoodallthewayover,andwasalwaysthreateningtogoashoreunlesstherewasachange.Hewantedfreshshad.Hardlyadaypassedoverhisheadthathedidnotgoidlingabouttheshipwithhisnoseintheair,sneeringaboutthecommander,andsayinghedidnotbelieveColumbusknewwherehewasgoingtoorhadeverbeentherebefore.Thememorablecryof"Landho!"thrilledeveryheartintheshipbuthis.Hegazedawhilethroughapieceofsmokedglassatthepenciledlinelyingonthedistantwater,andthensaid:"Landbehanged,——it'saraft!"
Whenthisquestionablepassengercameonboardtheship,hebroughtnothingwithhimbutanoldnewspapercontainingahandkerchiefmarked"B.G.,"onecottonsockmarked"L.W.C."onewoollenonemarked"D.F."
andanight-shirtmarked"O.M.R."Andyetduringthevoyageheworriedmoreabouthis"trunk,"andgavehimself,moreairsaboutit,thanalltherestofthepassengersputtogether.
Iftheshipwas"downbythehead,"andwouldgotsteer,hewouldgoandmovehis"trunk"fartheraft,andthenwatchtheeffect.Iftheshipwas"bythestern,"hewouldsuggesttoColumbustodetailsomemento"shiftthatbaggage."Instormshehadtobegagged,becausehiswailingsabouthis"trunk"madeitimpossibleforthementoheartheorders.Themandoesnotappeartohavebeenopenlychargedwithanygravelyunbecomingthing,butitisnotedintheship'slogasa"curiouscircumstance"thatalbeithebroughthisbaggageonboardtheshipinanewspaper,hetookitashoreinfourtrunks,aqueenswarecrate,andacoupleofchampagnebaskets.Butwhenhecamebackinsinuatinginaninsolent,swaggeringway,thatsomeofhisthingsweremissing,andwasgoingtosearchtheotherpassengers'baggage,itwastoomuch,andtheythrewhimoverboard.Theywatchedlongandwonderinglyforhimtocomeup,butnotevenabubbleroseonthequietlyebbingtide.Butwhileeveryonewasmostabsorbedingazingovertheside,andtheinterestwasmomentarilyincreasing,itwasobservedwithconsternationthatthevesselwasadriftandtheanchorcablehanginglimpfromthebow.Thenintheship'sdimmedandancientlogwefindthisquaintnote:
"Intimeitwasdiscouveredytyetroblesomepassengerhaddegonnedowneandgotyeanchor,andtokeyesameandsoldeittoyedamsauvagesfromyeinterior,sayingythehaddefoundeit,yesonneofaghun!"
Yetthisancestorhadgoodandnobleinstincts,anditiswithpridethatwecalltomindthefactthathewasthefirstwhitepersonwhoeverinterestedhimselfintheworkofelevatingandcivilizingourIndians.
Hebuiltacommodiousjailandputupagallows,andtohisdyingdayheclaimedwithsatisfactionthathehadhadamorerestrainingandelevatinginfluenceontheIndiansthananyotherreformerthatever,laboredamongthem.Atthispointthechroniclebecomeslessfrankandchatty,andclosesabruptlybysayingthattheoldvoyagerwenttoseehisgallowsperformonthefirstwhitemaneverhangedinAmerica,andwhiletherereceivedinjurieswhichterminatedinhisdeath.
Thegreatgrandsonofthe"Reformer"flourishedinsixteenhundredandsomething,andwasknowninourannalsas,"theoldAdmiral,"thoughinhistoryhehadothertitles.Hewaslongincommandoffleetsofswiftvessels,wellarmedand,manned,anddidgreatserviceinhurryingupmerchantmen.Vesselswhichhefollowedandkepthiseagleeyeon,alwaysmadegoodfairtimeacrosstheocean.Butifashipstillloiteredinspiteofallhecoulddo,hisindignationwouldgrowtillhecouldcontainhimselfnolonger——andthenhewouldtakethatshiphomewherehelivedand,keepittherecarefully,expectingtheownerstocomeforit,buttheyneverdid.Andhewouldtrytogettheidlenessandslothoutofthesailorsofthatshipbycompelling,themtotakeinvigoratingexerciseandabath.Hecalledit"walkingaplank."Allthepupilslikedit.Atanyrate,theyneverfoundanyfaultwithitaftertryingit.Whentheownerswerelatecomingfortheirships,theAdmiralalwaysburnedthem,sothattheinsurancemoneyshouldnotbelost.Atlastthisfineoldtarwascutdowninthefulnessofhisyearsandhonors.
Andtoherdyingday,hispoorheart-brokenwidowbelievedthatifhehadbeencutdownfifteenminutessoonerhemighthavebeenresuscitated.
CharlesHenryTwainlivedduringthelatterpartoftheseventeenthcentury,andwasazealousanddistinguishedmissionary.HeconvertedsixteenthousandSouthSeaislanders,andtaughtthemthatadog-toothnecklaceandapairofspectacleswasnotenoughclothingtocometodivineservicein.Hispoorflocklovedhimvery,verydearly;andwhenhisfuneralwasover,theygotupinabodyandcameoutoftherestaurantwithtearsintheireyes,andsaying,onetoanother,thathewasagoodtendermissionary,andtheywishedtheyhadsomemoreofhim.
PAH-GO-TO-WAH-WAH-PUKKETEKEEWISMighty-Hunter-with-a-Hog-EyeTWAIN
adornedthemiddleoftheeighteenthcentury,andaidedGen.BraddockwithallhishearttoresisttheoppressorWashington.ItwasthisancestorwhofiredseventeentimesatourWashingtonfrombehindatree.
Sofarthebeautifulromanticnarrativeinthemoralstory-booksiscorrect;butwhenthatnarrativegoesontosaythatattheseventeenthroundtheawe-strickensavagesaidsolemnlythatthatmanwasbeingreservedbytheGreatSpiritforsomemightymission,andhedarednotlifthissacrilegiousrifleagainsthimagain,thenarrativeseriouslyimpairstheintegrityofhistory.Whathedidsaywas:
"Itain'tnohic!nouse.'Atman'ssodrunkhecan'tstan'stilllongenoughforamantohithim.Ihic!Ican't'fordtofoolawayanymoream'nitiononhim!"
Thatwaswhyhestoppedattheseventeenthround,anditwas,agoodplainmatter-of-factreason,too,andonethateasilycommendsitselftousbytheeloquent,persuasiveflavorofprobabilitythereisaboutit.
Ialwaysenjoyedthestory-booknarrative,butIfeltamarringmisgivingthateveryIndianatBraddock'sDefeatwhofiredatasoldieracoupleoftimestwoeasilygrowstoseventeeninacentury,andmissedhim,jumpedtotheconclusionthattheGreatSpiritwasreservingthatsoldierforsomegrandmission;andsoIsomehowfearedthattheonlyreasonwhyWashington'scaseisrememberedandtheothersforgottenis,thatinhistheprophecy'cametrue,andinthatoftheothersitdidn't.TherearenotbooksenoughonearthtocontaintherecordofthepropheciesIndiansandotherunauthorizedpartieshavemade;butonemaycarryinhisovercoatpocketstherecordofallthepropheciesthathavebeenfulfilled.
Iwillremarkhere,inpassing,thatcertainancestorsofminearesothoroughlywellknowninhistorybytheiraliases,thatIhavenotfeltittobeworthwhiletodwelluponthem,orevenmentionthemintheorderoftheirbirth.AmongthesemaybementionedRICHARDBRINSLEY
TWAIN,aliasGuyFawkes;JOHNWENTWORTHTWAIN,aliasSixteen-StringJack;
WILLIAMHOGARTHTWAIN,aliasJackSheppard;ANANIASTWAIN,aliasBaronMunchausen;JOHNGEORGETWAIN,aliasCapt.Kydd;andthemthereareGeorgeFrancisTrain,TomPepper,NebuchadnezzarandBaalam'sAss——theyallbelongtoourfamily,buttoabranchofitsomewhatdistantlyremovedfromthehonorabledirectline——infact,acollateralbranch,whosememberschieflydifferfromtheancientstockinthat,inordertoacquirethenotorietywehavealwaysyearnedandhungeredfor,theyhavegotintoalowwayofgoingtojailinsteadofgettinghanged.
Itisnotwell;whenwritinganautobiography,tofollowyourancestrydowntooclosetoyourowntime——itissafesttospeakonlyvaguelyofyourgreat-grandfather,andthenskipfromtheretoyourself,whichInowdo.
Iwasbornwithoutteeth——andthereRichardIIIhadtheadvantageofme;
butIwasbornwithoutahumpback,likewise,andthereIhadtheadvantageofhim.Myparentswereneitherverypoornorconspicuouslyhonest.
Butnowathoughtoccurstome.Myownhistorywouldreallyseemsotamecontrastedwiththatofmyancestors,thatitissimplywisdomtoleaveitunwrittenuntilIamhanged.IfsomeotherbiographiesIhavereadhadstoppedwiththeancestryuntilalikeeventoccurred,itwouldhavebeenafelicitousthing,forthereadingpublic.Howdoesitstrikeyou?
AWFUL,TERRIBLE
MEDIEVALROMANCE
CHAPTERI
THESECRETREVEALED.
Itwasnight.StillnessreignedinthegrandoldfeudalcastleofKlugenstein.Theyear1222wasdrawingtoaclose.Farawayupinthetallestofthecastle'stowersasinglelightglimmered.Asecretcouncilwasbeingheldthere.ThesternoldlordofKlugensteinsatinachairofstatemeditating.Presentlyhe,said,withatenderaccent:
"Mydaughter!"
Ayoungmanofnoblepresence,cladfromheadtoheelinknightlymail,answered:
"Speak,father!"
"Mydaughter,thetimeiscomefortherevealingofthemysterythathathpuzzledallyouryounglife.Know,then,thatithaditsbirthinthematterswhichIshallnowunfold.MybrotherUlrichisthegreatDukeofBrandenburgh.Ourfather,onhisdeathbed,decreedthatifnosonwereborntoUlrich,thesuccessionshouldpasstomyhouse,providedasonwereborntome.Andfurther,incasenoson,wereborntoeither,butonlydaughters,thenthesuccessionshouldpasstoUlrich'sdaughter,ifsheprovedstainless;ifshedidnot,mydaughtershouldsucceed,ifsheretainedablamelessname.AndsoI,andmyoldwifehere,prayedferventlyforthegoodboonofason,buttheprayerwasvain.Youwereborntous.Iwasindespair.Isawthemightyprizeslippingfrommygrasp,thesplendiddreamvanishingaway.AndIhadbeensohopeful!
FiveyearshadUlrichlivedinwedlock,andyethiswifehadbornenoheirofeithersex.
"'Buthold,'Isaid,'allisnotlost.'Asavingschemehadshotathwartmybrain.Youwerebornatmidnight.Onlytheleech,thenurse,andsixwaiting-womenknewyoursex.Ihangedthemeveryonebeforeanhourhadsped.NextmorningallthebaronywentmadwithrejoicingovertheproclamationthatasonwasborntoKlugenstein,anheirtomightyBrandenburgh!Andwellthesecrethasbeenkept.Yourmother'sownsisternursedyourinfancy,andfromthattimeforwardwefearednothing.
"Whenyouweretenyearsold,adaughterwasborntoUlrich.Wegrieved,buthopedforgoodresultsfrommeasles,orphysicians,orothernaturalenemiesofinfancy,butwerealwaysdisappointed.Shelived,shethrove——
Heaven'smalisonuponher!Butitisnothing.Wearesafe.For,Ha-ha!havewenotason?AndisnotoursonthefutureDuke?Ourwell-
belovedConrad,isitnotso?——for,womanofeight-and-twentyyears——asyouare,mychild,noneothernamethanthathatheverfallentoyou!
"Nowithathcometopassthatagehathlaiditshanduponmybrother,andhewaxesfeeble.Thecaresofstatedotaxhimsore.ThereforehewillsthatyoushallcometohimandbealreadyDuke——inact,thoughnotyetinname.Yourservitorsareready——youjourneyforthto-night.
"Nowlistenwell.RemembereverywordIsay.ThereisalawasoldasGermanythatifanywomansitforasingleinstantinthegreatducalchairbeforeshehathbeenabsolutelycrownedinpresenceofthepeople,SHESHALLDIE!Soheedmy,words.Pretendhumility.PronounceyourjudgmentsfromthePremier'schair,whichstandsatthefootofthethrone.Dothisuntilyouarecrownedandsafe.Itisnotlikelythatyoursexwilleverbediscovered;butstillitisthepartofwisdomtomakeallthingsassafeasmaybeinthistreacherousearthlylife."
"Oh;myfather,isitforthismylifehathbeenalie!WasitthatI
mightcheatmyunoffendingcousinofherrights?Spareme,father,spareyourchild!"
"What,huzzy!Isthismyrewardfortheaugustfortunemybrainhaswroughtforthee?Bythebonesofmyfather,thispulingsentimentofthinebutillaccordswithmyhumor.
BetaketheetotheDuke,instantly!Andbewarehowthoumeddlestwithmypurpose!"