Ihadstill,afterall,tododgealittle。"Knowwhat?"
"Why,thatyou’vefoundoutwhatshehastohide。"
"You’reperfectlyfreetoaskher。Iwondereventhatyouhaven’tdonesoyet。"
"Well,"hesaidwiththefineststrokeofunconsciousnesshehadyetshownme——"well,Isupposeit’sbecauseI’mafraidofher。"
"Butnottoomuchafraid,"Iriskedsuggesting,"tobehopingatthismomentthatyou’llfindherifyougobacktowheremostofourpartyisgathered。You’renotgoingfortea——you’regoingforMrs。Server:justofwhomitwas,asIsay,youwerethinkingwhileyousattherewithLadyJohn。Sowhatisityousogreatlyfear?"
ItwasasifIcouldseethroughhisdimfaceasortofgratitudeformymakingallthisouttohim。"Idon’tknowthatit’sanythingthatshemaydotoME。"Hecouldmakeitoutinamannerforhimself。"It’sasifsomethingmighthappentoher。It’swhatItoldyou——thatshemaybreakdown。Ifyouaskmehow,orinwhat,"hecontinued,"howcanItellyou?
Inwhateveritisthatshe’stryingtodo。Idon’tunderstandit。"Thenhewoundupwithasighthat,inspiteofitssoftness,heimperfectlystifled。"Butit’ssomethingorother!"
"Whatwoulditbe,then,"Iasked,"butwhatyouspeakofaswhatI’ve’foundout’?Theeffortyoudistinguishinheristheeffortofconcealment——vain,asIgatheritstrikesyouboth,sofarasi,inmysupernaturalacuteness,amconcerned。"
Followingthiswiththefinaleasetowhichmyencouragementdirectlyministered,heyetgaveme,beforehehadquitearrived,aqueersidelongglance。"Wouldn’titreallybebetterifyouweretotellme?Idon’taskhermyself,yousee。Idon’tputthingstoherinthatway。"
"Oh,no——I’veshownyouhowIdosee。That’sapartofyouradmirableconsideration。ButImustrepeatthatnothingwouldinducemetotellyou。"
Hispooroldfacefairlypleaded。"ButIwantsotoknow。"
"Ah,thereitis!"Ialmosttriumphantlylaughed。
"Therewhatis?"
"Why,everything。WhatI’vedivined,betweenyouandMrs。Server,asthetie。Yourwantingsotoknow。"
Ifeltasifhewerenow,intellectuallyspeaking,plasticwaxinmyhand。"Andherwantingmenotto?"
"WantingMEnotto,"Ismiled。
Hepuzzleditout。"Andbeingwilling,therefore———"
"Thatyou——youonly,forsympathy,forfellowship,forthewildwonderofit——SHOULDknow?Well,forallthosethings,andinspiteofwhatyoucallyourfear,TRYher!"WithwhichnowatlastIquittedhim。
Chapter8
I’mafraidIcan’tquitesaywhat,afterthat,Iatfirstdid,norjusthowIimmediatelyprofitedbyourseparation。Ifeltabsurdlyexcited,thoughthisindeedwaswhatIhadfeltallday;therehadbeeninfactdeepeningdegreesofiteversincemyfirstmysticthrobafterfindingmyself,thedaybeforeinourrailway—carriage,shutuptoanhour’scontemplationandcollation,asitwere,ofGilbertLongandMrs。Brissenden。Ihavenotedhowmyfirstfullcontactwiththechangedstateoftheseassociateshadcausedtheknellofthetranquilmindaudiblytoringforme。Ihavespokenofmysharpenedperceptionthatsomethingaltogetheroutofthecommonhadhappened,independently,toeach,andIcouldnowcertainlyflattermyselfthatIhadn’tmissedafeatureoftheroadIhadthusbeenbeguiledtotravel。Itwasaroadthathadcarriedmefar,andverilyatthishourIFELTfar。IdaresaythatforawhileafterleavingpoorBriss,afterwhatImayindeedcalllaunchinghim,thiswaswhatIpredominantlyfelt。TobewhereIwas,towhateverelseitmightlead,treatedmebyitshelptothetasteofsuccess。ItappearedthenthatthemorethingsIfittedtogetherthelargersense,everyway,theymadearemarkinwhichIfoundanextraordinaryelation。Itjustifiedmyindiscreetcuriosity;
itcrownedmyunderhandprocesswithbeauty。ThebeautyperhapswasonlyforME——thebeautyofhavingbeenright;itmadeatalleventsanelementinwhich,whilethelongdaysoftlydropped,Iwanderedanddriftedandsecurelyfloated。Thiselementboremebravelyup,andmyprivatetriumphstruckmeasallonewiththecharmofthemomentandoftheplace。
Therewasageneralshadeinallthelowerreaches——afineclearduskingardenandgrove,athinsuffusionoftwilightoutofwhichthegreaterthings,thehightree—topsandpinnacles,thelongcrestsofmotionlesswoodandchimniedroof,roseintogoldenair。Thelastcallsofbirdssoundedextraordinarilyloud;theywerelikethetimed,serioussplashes,inwide,stillwater,ofdiversnotexpectingtoriseagain。IscarceknowwhatoddconsciousnessIhadofroamingatcloseofdayinthegroundsofsomecastleofenchantment。Ihadpositivelyencounterednothingtocomparewiththissincethedaysoffairy—talesandofthechildishimaginationoftheimpossible。THENIusedtocircleroundenchantedcastles,forthenImovedinaworldinwhichthestrange"cametrue。"Itwasthecomingtruethatwastheproofoftheenchantment,which,moreover,wasnaturallyneversogreataswhensuchcomingwas,tosuchadegreeandbythemostromanticstrokeofall,thefruitofone’sownwizardry。Iwaspositively——sohadthewheelrevolved——proudofmywork。Ihadthoughtitallout,andtohavethoughtitwas,wonderfully,tohavebroughtit。YetIrecallhowIeventhenknewonthespotthattherewassomethingsupremeIshouldhavefailedtobringunlessIhadhappenedsuddenlytobecomeawareoftheverypresenceofthehauntingprinciple,asitwere,ofmythought。
ThiswasthelightinwhichMrs。Server,walkingalonenow,apparently,inthegreywoodandpausingatsightofme,showedherselfinhercleardressattheendofavista。Itwasexactlyasifshehadbeentherebytheoperationofmyintelligence,orevenbythat——inastillhappierway——ofmyfeeling。Myexcitement,asIhavecalledit,onseeingher,wasassuredlyemotion。YetwhatWASthisfeeling,really?——ofwhich,atthepointwehadthusreached,Iseemedtomyselftohavegatheredfromallthingsaninvitationtorendersomeaccount。
Well,IknewwithintheminutethatIwasmovedbyitasbyanextraordinarytenderness;sothatthisisthenameImustleaveittomakethebestof。
IthadalreadybeenmyimpressionthatIwassorryforher,butitwasmarkedformenowthatIwassorrierthanIhadreckoned。Allherstoryseemedatoncetolookatmeoutofthefactofherpresentlonelyprowl。
Imetitwithoutdemur,onlywantinghertoknowthatifIstruckheraswaylayingherinthewood,aswaitingforherthereateventidewithanidea,Ishouldn’tintheleastdefendmyselffromthecharge。IcanscarceclearlytellhowmanyfinestrangethingsIthoughtofduringthisbriefcrisisofherhesitation。Iwantedinthefirstplacetomakeitend,andwhileImovedafewstepstowardherIfeltalmostasnoiselessandguardedasifIweretrappingabirdorstalkingafawn。Myfewstepsbroughtmetoaspotwhereanotherperspectivecrossedourown,sothattheymadetogetheraverdurouscirclewithaneveningskyaboveandgreatlengthening,archingrecessesinwhichthetwilightthickened。Oh,itwasquitesufficientlythecastleofenchantment,andwhenInoticedfouroldstoneseats,massiveandmossyandsymmetricallyplaced,Irecognisednotonlytheinfluence,inmyadventure,ofthegrandstyle,butthefamiliaridentityofthisconsecratednook,whichwassomuchofthetypeofallthebemusedandremembered。Wewereinabeautifuloldpicture,wewereinabeautifuloldtale,anditwouldn’tbethefaultofNewmarchifsomeothergreencarrefour,notfaroff,didn’tbalancewiththisoneandofferthealternativeofniches,inthegreenness,occupiedbyweather—stainedstatuesonfloridpedestals。
Isatstraightdownonthenearestofourbenches,forthisstruckmeasthebestwaytoexpresstheconceptionwithwhichthesightofMrs。
Serverfilledme。ItshowedherthatifIwatchedherIalsowaitedforher,andthatIwasthereforenotaffectedinanymannershereallyneeddeprecate。Shehadbeentoofaroffformetodistinguishherface,butherapproachhadfalteredlongenoughtoletmeseethatifshehadnottakenitastoolateshewould,toescapeme,havefoundsomepretextforturningoff。Itwasjustmyseatingmyselfthatmadethedifference——itwasmybeingsosimplewithherthatbroughtheron。Shecameslowlyandalittlewearilydownthevista,andhersad,shyadvance,withthemassedwoodoneithersideofher,waslikethereminiscenceofapictureortherefrainofaballad。WhatmadethedifferencewithME——ifanydifferencehadremainedtobemade——wasthesenseofthissharpcessationofherpublicextravagance。Shehadfoldeduphermannerinherflouncedparasol,whichsheseemedtodragafterherasasorrysoldierhismusket。ItwaspresenttomewithoutapangthatthiswasthepersonIhadsentpoorBrissofftofind——thepersonpoorBrisswouldowemesofewthanksforhisfailuretohavefound。Itwasequallymarkedtomethat,howeverdetachedandcasualshemight,atthefirstsightofme,havewishedtoshowherself,itwastoalightonpoorBrissthatshehadcomeout,itwasbecausehehadnotbeenatthehouseandmighttherefore,onhisside,bewandering,thatshehadtakencaretobeunaccompanied。MydemonstrationwascompletefromthemomentIthushadthemintheactofseekingeachother,andIwassopleasedathavinggatheredtheminthatIcaredlittlewhatelsetheyhadmissed。Ineithermovednorspoketillshehadcomequitenearme,andasshealsogavenosoundthemeaningofoursilenceseemedtostarestraightout。Itabsolutelyphrasedthere,inallthewonderfulconditions,arelationalreadyestablished;butthestrangeandbeautifulthingwasthatassoonaswehadrecognisedandaccepteditthisrelationputusalmostatourease。"Youmustbewearyofwalking,"Isaidatlast,"andyouseeI’vebeenkeepingaseatforyou。"
Ihadfinallygotup,asasignofwelcome,butIhaddirectlyafterwardsresumedmyposition,anditwasanillustrationofthetermsonwhichwemetthatweneitherofusseemedtomindherbeingmeanwhileonherfeet。
Shestoodbeforemeasiftotakein——withhersmilethathadbythistimesunkquitetodimness——morethanweshould,eitherofus,afterall,belikelytobeabletosay。Ievensawfromthismoment,Ithink,that,whatevershemightunderstand,shewouldbeableherselftosaybutlittle。Shegaveherself,inthatminute,morethanshedoubtlessknew——gaveherselfImean,tomyintenserapprehension。Shewentthroughtheformofexpression,butwhattoldmeeverythingwasthewaytheformofexpressionbrokedown。
Herlovelygrimace,thelightoftheprevioushours,wasasblurredasabitofbrushworkinwater—colourspoiledbytheupsettingoftheartist’sglass。Shefixedmewithitasshehadfixedduringthedayfortypersons,butitflutteredlikeabirdwithabrokenwing。Shelookedaboutandabove,downeachofourduskyavenuesandupatourgildedtree—topsandourpaintedsky,where,atthemoment,thepassageofaflightofrooksmadeaclamour。
Sheappearedtowishtoproducesomeexplanationofhersolitude,butI
wasquicklyenoughsurethatshewouldneverfindapresentableone。I
onlywantedtoshowherhowlittleIrequiredit。"Ilikealonelywalk,"
Iwenton,"attheendofadayfullofpeople:it’salways,tome,onsuchoccasions,quiteasifsomethinghashappenedthatthemindwantstocatchandfixbeforethevividnessfades。SoImopebymyselfanhour——I
takestockofmyimpressions。Butthere’sonethingIdon’tbelieveyouknow。Thisistheveryfirsttime,insuchaplaceandatsuchanhour,thatithaseverbefallenmetocomeacrossafriendstrickenwiththesameperversityandengagedinthesamepursuit。Mostpeople,don’tyousee?"——IkeptitupasIcould——"don’tintheleastknowwhathashappenedtothem,anddon’tcaretoknow。That’soneway,andIdon’tdenyitmaybepracticallythebest。Butifonedoescaretoknow,that’sanotherway。
AssoonasIsawyouthereattheendofthealleyIsaidtomyself,withquitealittlethrillofelation,’Ah,thenit’sHERwaytoo!’Iwonderifyou’llletmetellyou,"Iflounderedpleasantlyon,"thatIimmediatelylikedyouthebetterforit。Itseemedtobringusmoretogether。That’swhatIsatstraightdownheretoshowyou。’Yes,’Iwishedyoutounderstandmeasfranklysaying,’IAM,aswellasyou,onthemope,oronthemuse,oronwhateveryoucallit,andthisisn’thalfabadcornerforsuchamood。’Ican’ttellyouwhatapleasureitistometoseeyoudounderstand。"
Ikeptitup,asIsay,toreassureandsootheandsteadyher;therewasnothing,howeverfantasticandbornofthepressureofthemoment,thatIwouldn’thaveriskedforthatpurpose。Shewasabsolutelyonmyhandswithhersecret——Ifeltthatfromthewayshestoodandlistenedtome,silentlyshowingherselfrelievedandpacified。ItwasmarkedthatifIhadhithertoseenheras"allovertheplace,"shehadyetnowhereseemedtomelesssothanatthisfurthermostpoint。Butif,thoughonlynearertohersecretandstillnotinpossession,IfeltasjustifiedasIhavealreadydescribedmyself,soitequallycametomethatIwasquitenearenough,atthepasswehadreached,forwhatIshouldhavetotakefromitall。Shewasonmyhands——itwassheherself,poorcreature,whowas:thiswasthethingthatjustnowloomedlarge,andthesecretwasacomparativedetail。"Ithinkyou’reverykind,"shesaidforallanswertothespeechIhavereported,andtheminuteafterthisshehadsunkdown,inconfessedcollapse,tomybench,onwhichshesatandstaredbeforeher。Themeremechanismofherexpression,thedanglingpaperlanternitself,wasnowallthatwasleftinherface。Sheremainedalittleasifdiscouragedbythesightofthewearinessthathersurrenderhadletout。Ihesitated,fromjustthisfearofaddingtoit,tocommiserateherforitmoredirectly,andshespokeagainbeforeIhadfoundanythingtosay。Shebroughtbackherattentionindeedasifwithaneffortandfromadistance。"Whatisitthathashappenedtoyou?"
"Oh,"Ilaughed,"whatisitthathashappenedtoYOU?"Myquestionhadnotbeenintheleastintendedforpressure,butitmadeherturnandlookatme,andthis,Iquicklyrecognised,wasalltheanswerthemostpitilesscuriositycouldhavedesired——allthemore,aswell,thattheintentioninithadbeennogreaterthaninmywords。Beautiful,abysmal,involuntary,herexquisiteweaknesssimplyopenedupthedepthsitwouldhaveclosed。Itwasinshortasupremelyunsuccessfulattempttosaynothing。
Itsaideverything,andbytheendofaminutemychatter——nonethelessoutofplaceforbeingallaudible——washushedtopositiveawebywhatithadconveyed。IsawasIhadneverseenbeforewhatconsumingpassioncanmakeofthemarkedmortalonwhom,withfixedbeakandclaws,ithassettledasonaprey。Sheremindedmeofaspongewrungdryandwithfineporesagape。Voidedandscrapedofeverything,hershellwasmerelycrushable。
Soitwasbroughthometomethatthevictimcouldbeabased,andsoitdisengageditselffromthesethingsthattheabasementcouldbeconscious。
ThatwasMrs。Server’stragedy,thatherconsciousnesssurvived——survivedwithaforcethatmadeitstruggleanddissemble。Thisconsciousnesswasallhersecret——itwasatanyrateallmine。IpromisedmyselfroundlythatIwouldhenceforthkeepclearofanyother。
Inonetheless——fromsimplysittingwithherthere——gatheredinthesenseofmorethingsthanIcouldhavenamed,eachofwhich,asitcametome,mademycompassionmoretender。Whoofusallcouldsaythathisfallmightnotbeasdeep?——ormightnotatleastbecomesowithequalopportunity。IforawhilefairlyforgotMrs。Server,Ifear,intheintimacyofthisvisionofthepossibilitiesofourcommonnature。Shebecamesuchawastedanddishonouredsymbolofthemasmighthaveputtearsinone’seyes。WhenIpresentlyreturnedtoher——oursessionseemingtoresolveitselfintoameremildnessofsilence——Isawhowitwasthatwhereas,insuchcasesingeneral,peoplemighthavegivenupmuch,thesortofpersonthispoorladywascouldonlygiveupeverything。Shewastheabsolutewreckofherstorm,accordingly,buttowhichthepaleghostofaspecialsensibilitystillclung,wavingfromthemast,withabraverythatwenttotheheart,thelasttatterofitsflag。Thereareimpressionstoofineforwords,andIshallnotattempttosayhowitwasthatunderthetouchofthisoneIfelthownothingthatconcernedmycompanioncouldeveragainbepresenttomebutthefactitselfofheradmirablestate。Thiswasthesourceofherwanlittleglory,constitutedevenforherasmallsublimityinthelightofwhichmereminoridentificationsturnedvulgar。IknewwhoHEwasnowwithavengeance,becauseIhadlearntpreciselyfromthatwhoSHEwas;andnothingcouldhavebeensharperthantheforcewithwhichitpresseduponmethatIhadreallylearntmorethanIhadbargainedfor。
NothingneedhavehappenedifIhadn’tbeensoabsurdly,sofatallymeditativeaboutpoorLong——anaccidentthatmostpeople,wiserpeople,appearedonthewholetohavesteeredsufficientlyclearof。Comparedwithmyactualsense,thesensewithwhichIsatthere,thatothervisionwasgross,andgrosserstilltheconnectionbetweenthetwo。
SuchweresomeofthereflectionsinwhichIindulgedwhilehereyes——withtheirstrangeintermissionsofdarknessoroflight:whocouldsaywhich?——toldmefromtimetotimethatsheknewwhateverIwasthinkingoftobeforhervirtualadvantage。Itwasprodigiouswhat,inthewayofsuppressedcommunication,passedinthesewonderfulminutesbetweenus。Ourrelationcouldbeatthebestbutanequalconfession,andIremembersayingtomyselfthatifshehadbeenassubtleasI——whichshewasn’t!——shetoowouldhaveputittogetherthatIhaddreadfullytalkedabouther。ShewouldhavetracedinmemydemonstrationtoMrs。Brissthat,whoevershewas,shemustlogicallyhavebeenidiotised。Itwasthespecialpoignancyofhercollapsethat,sofaratleastasIwasconcerned,thiswasaravagetheextentofwhichshehadceasedtotrytoconceal。Shehadbeentrying,andmoreorlesssucceeding,allday:thelittledramaofherpublicunresthadhad,whenonecametoconsider,nootherargument。Ithadbeenterrorthathaddirectedhersteps;theneedconstantlytoshowherselfdetachedandfree,followedbythesterneronenottoshowherself,bythesametoken,limpandempty。Thishadbeenthedistinct,ferociouslogicofherrenewalsandruptures——theanxiousmistrustofherwit,thehauntingknowledgeofthesmalldistanceitwouldtakeheratonce,theconsequentimportanceofherexactlytimingherself,andthequickinstinctofflightbeforethemenaceofdiscovery。Shecouldn’tletsocietyalone,becausethatwouldhaveconstitutedasymptom;yet,forfearoftheappearanceofaworseone,shecouldonlymingleinitwithacomplexdiplomacy。Shewasaccordinglyexposedoneveryside,andtobewithherawhilethusquietlywastoreadbackintoherbehaviourthewholeexplanation,whichwaspositivelysimpletomenow。Totakeupagainthevividanalogy,shehadbeensailingallday,thoughscarceabletokeepafloat,undertheflagofheroldreputationforeasyresponse。Shehadgiventothebreezeanysadscrapofasubstitutefortheplayofmindoncesupposedremarkable。ThelastofallthethingsherstillnesssaidtomewasthatIcouldjudgefromsopoorashowwhathadbecomeofherconversability。WhatIdidjudgewasthatafranticarthadindeedbeenrequiredtomakeherprettysilencespass,fromonecrisistoanother,forprettyspeeches。Halfthisart,doubtless,wastheglitteringdeceitofhersmile,thesublime,patheticoverdonegenialitywhichrepresentedsohershareinanytalkthat,everyothereloquencefailing,therecouldonlybenothingatallfromthemomentitabandoneditsoffice。Therewasnothingatall。Thatwasthetruth;inaccordancewithwhichIfinally——foreverythingitmightmeantomyself——putoutmyhandandboreeversogentlyonherown。Herownrestedlistlesslyonthestoneofourseat。Ofcourse,ithadbeenanimmensethingforherthatshewas,inspiteofeverything,solovely。
Allthiswasquiteconsistentwithitseventuallycomingbacktomethat,thoughshetookfrommewithappreciationwhatwasexpressedinthegestureIhavenoted,itwascertainlyinquestofastilldeeperreliefthatshehadagaincomeforth。ThemoreIconsideredherface——andmostofall,sopermittedly,inherpassive,consciouspresence——themoreI
wassureofthisandthefurtherIcouldgointheimaginationofherbeautifulduplicity。IendedbydiviningthatifIwasassuredlygoodforher,becausethequestionofkeepingupwithmehadsocompletelydropped,andiftheserviceIsorenderedherwasnotlessdistincttoherthantomyself——I
endedbydiviningthatshehadnonethelessherobscurevisionofastillsofterease。GuyBrissendenhadbecomeinthesefewhoursherpositiveneed——astillgreaterneedthanIhadlatelyamusedmyselfwithmakingoutthathehadfoundher。Eachhad,bytheirunprecedentedplight,somethingfortheother,someintimacyofunspeakableconfidence,thatnooneelseintheworldcouldhaveforeither。Theyhadbeenfeelingtheirwaytoit,butattheendoftheirfitfuldaytheyhadgrownconfusedly,yetbeneficentlysure。Theexplanationhereagainwassimple——theyhadthesenseofacommonfate。Theyhadn’ttonameitortophraseit——possiblyevencouldn’thadtheytried;peaceandsupportcametothem,withoutthat,inthesimplerevelationofeachother。Oh,howImadeitoutthatifitwasindeedverywellforthepoorladytofeelthusinMYcompanythatherburdenwaslifted,mycompanywouldbeafterallbutaroughsubstituteforGuy’s!Hewasastillbetterfriend,littleashecouldhavetoldthereason;andifIcouldinthisconnectionhaveputthewordsintohermouth,herefollowssomethingofthesensethatIshouldhavemadethemform。
"Yes,mydearman,Idounderstandyou——quiteperfectlynow,and(byIknownotwhatmiracle)I’vereallydonesotosomeextentfromthefirst。
Deepistherestoffeelingwithyou,inthisway,thatI’mwatched,forthetime,onlyasyouwatchme。Ithasallstopped,andicanstop。HowcanImakeyouunderstandwhatitisformethatthereisn’tatlastacreatureanymoreinsight,thatthewooddarkensaboutme,thatthesoundsdropandthereliefgoeson;whatcanitmeanforyoueventhatI’vegivenmyselfuptonotcaringwhetherorno,amongstothers,I’mmissedandspokenof?Itdoeshelpmystrangecase,infine,asyousee,toletyoukeepmehere;butIshouldhavefoundstillmorewhatIwasinneedofifI
hadonlyfound,insteadofyou,himwhomIhadinmind。Heisasmuchbetterthanyouasyouarethaneveryoneelse。"Ifinallyfelt,inaword,soqualifiedtoattributetomycompanionsomesuchmuteaddressasthat,thatitcouldonlyhave,asthenextconsequence,adeterminingeffectonme——aneffectundertheinfluenceofwhichIspoke。"Ipartedwithhim,somewayfromhere,sometimeago。IhadfoundhiminoneofthegardenswithLadyJohn;afterwhichwecameawayfromhertogether。Westrolledalittleandtalked,butIknewwhathereallywanted。Hewantedtofindyou,andItoldhimhewouldprobablydosoatteaontheterrace。Itwasvisiblywiththatidea——toreturntothehouse——thatheleftme。"
Shelookedatmeforsometimeonthis,takingitin,yetstillafraidofit。"YoufoundhimwithLadyJohn?"sheatlastasked,andwithanoteinhervoicethatmademeseewhat——astherewasaprecautionIhadneglected——shefeared。
Theperceptionofthis,initsturn,operatedwithmeforaninstantalmostastherarestoftemptations。Ihadpuzzledouteverythingandputeverythingtogether;IwasasmorallyconfidentandasintellectuallytriumphantasIhavefranklyheredescribedmyself;buttherewasnoobjectivetesttowhichIhadyetexposedmytheory。Thechancetoapplyone——anditwouldbeinfallible——hadsuddenlycroppedup。Therewouldbeexcitement,amusement,discernmentinit;itwouldbeindeedbutamoreroundaboutexpressionofinterestandsympathy。Itwould,aboveall,packthequestionIhadforsomanyhoursbeenoccupiedwithintothecompassofaneedle—point。
Iwasdazzledbymyopportunity。Shehadhadanuncertainty,inotherwords,astowhomImeant,andthatitkeptherforsomesecondsontherackwasatriflecomparedtomychance。Shewouldgiveherselfawaysupremelyifsheshowedshesuspectedmeofplacingmyfingeronthespot——ifsheunderstoodthepersonIhadnotnamedtobenameableasGilbertLong。Whathadcreatedherperil,ofcourse,wasmynamingLadyJohn。Well,howcanIsayinanysufficientwayhowmuchtheextraordinarybeautyofhereyesduringthisbrevityofsuspensehadtodowiththeevent?Ithadeverything——foritwaswhatcausedmetobetouchedbeyondevenwhatIhadalreadybeen,andIcouldliterallybearnomoreofthat。Ithereforetooknoadvantage,ortookonlytheadvantageIhadspokenwiththeintentionoftaking。I
laughedoutdoubtlesstoonervously,butitdidn’tcompromisemytact。
"Don’tyouknowhowshe’sperpetuallypouncingonhim?"
Still,however,Ihadnotnamedhim——whichwaswhatprolongedthetension。
"Doyoumean——a——doyoumean?"Withwhichshebrokeoffonasmallweaktitterandastillweakerexclamation。"TherearesoMANYgentlemen!"
Therewassomethinginitthatmightinotherconditionshavebeenastrivialasthegiggleofahousemaid;butithadinfactformyearthesilverringofpoetry。ItoldherinstantlywhomImeant。"PoorBriss,youknow,"Isaid,"isalwaysinherclutches。"
Oh,howitletheroff!Andyet,nosoonerhaditdonesoandhadI
therebytastedontheinstantthesweetnessofmywisdom,thanIbecameawareofsomethingmuchmoreextraordinary。Itletheroff——sheshowedmethisforaminute,inspiteofherself;butthenextminutesheshowedmesomethingquitedifferent,whichwas,mostwonderfulofall,thatshewishedmetoseeherasnotquitefeelingwhyIshouldsomuchtakeforgrantedthepersonIHADnamed。"PoorBriss?"herfaceandmannerappearedsuddenlytorepeat——quite,moreover(anditwasthedrollest,saddestpart),asifallourfriendshadstoodaboutustolisten。WhereindidpoorBrisssointimatelyconcernher?What,pray,wasmygroundforsuchfreereferencetopoorBriss?ShequiterepudiatedpoorBriss。Sheknewnothingatallabouthim,andthewholeairystructureIhaderectedwithhisaidmighthavecrumbledatthetouchshethusadministeredifitssolidityhaddependedonlyonthat。Ihadaminuteofsurprisewhich,haditlastedanotherminuteassurprisepureandsimple,mightalmostasquicklyhaveturnedtosomethinglikechagrin。FortunatelyitturnedinsteadintosomethingevenmorelikeenthusiasmthananythingIhadyetfelt。ThestrokeWASextraordinary,butextraordinaryforitsnobleness。Iquicklysawinit,fromthemomentIhadgotmypointofview,morefinethingsthanever。Isawforinstancethat,magnificently,shewishednottoincriminatehim。Allthathadpassedbetweenushadpassedinsilence,butitwasadifferentmatterforwhatmightpassinsound。Welookedateachotherthereforewithastrainedsmileoveranyquestionofidentities。Itwasasifithadbeenonething——toherconfused,relaxedintensity——togiveherselfuptome,butquiteanotherthingtogiveupsomebodyelse。
第7章