"Well,"Ireturnedafterconsideration,"thatisobviouslyM。deDreuil。"
"Areyousosure?Idon’tmakeouttheperson,"myfriendcontinued——"I
onlyseeshe’snotalone。Iunderstoodyoumoreoverthatyouhadlatelylefttheminthehouse。"
"TheyWEREinthehouse,buttherewasnothingtokeepthemfromcomingout。They’vehadplentyoftimewhilewe’vetalked;theymusthavepasseddownbysomeoftheothersteps。Perhapsalso,"Iadded,"it’sanotherman。"
Butbythistimeshewassatisfied。"It’sHE!"
"GilbertLong?Ithoughtyoujustsaid,"Iobserved,"thatyoucanmakenobodyout。"
Wewatchedtogether,butthedistancewasconsiderable,andthesecondfigurecontinuedtobescreened。"ItMUSTbehe,"Mrs。Brissendenresumedwithimpatience,"sinceitwaswithhimIsodistinctlysawher。"
"Letmeoncemoreholdyoutothefact,"Ianswered,"thatshehad,tomyknowledge,succumbedtoM。deDreuilafterwards。Themomentshavefled,yousee,inourfascinatingdiscussion,andvariousthings,onyourtheoryofherpounce,havecomeandgone。Don’tImoreovermakeoutabrownshoe,inawhitegaiter,protrudingfromtheothersideofherdress?ItmustbeLordLutley。"
Mrs。Brissendenlookedandmused。"Abrownshoeinawhitegaiter?"
AtthismomentMrs。Servermoved,andthenext——asifitweretimeforanotherpounce——shehadgotup。Wecould,however,stilldistinguishbutashoulderandanoutstretchedlegofhergentleman,who,onhermovement,appeared,asinprotest,tohaveaffirmedbyanemphaticshiftofhisseathispreferencefortheirremainingastheywere。Thiscarriedhimfurtherroundthetree。Wethuslosthim,butshestoodtherewhilewewaited,evidentlyexhortinghim;afteraminuteofwhichshecameawayasinconfidencethathewouldfollow。Duringthisprocess,withafacemorevisible,shehadlookedascharmingasaprettywomanalmostalwaysdoesinrisingeloquentbeforetheapatheticmale。Shehadn’tyetnoticedus,butsomethinginherattitudeandmannerparticularlyspoketome。TherewereimplicationsinittowhichIcouldn’tbeblind,andIfelthowmyneighbouralsowouldhavecaughtthemandbeenconfirmedinhercertitude。InfactIfeltthebreathofherconfirmationinanotherelated"There!"——ina"LookatherNOW!"Incontestably,whilenotyetawareofus,Mrs。Serverconfessedwitheveryturnofherheadtoapartinarelation。Itstuckoutofher,herpartinarelation;ithungbeforeus,herpartinarelation;itwaslargetousbeyondthebreadthoftheglade。Andsince,offherguard,shesoletushaveit,withwhomintheworldcouldtherelation——somuchofoneasthat——bebutwithGilbertLong?Thequestionwasnotsettledtillshehadcomeonsomedistance;thentheproducerofourtension,emergingandcomingafterher,offeredhimselftoourunited,toourconfounded,anxietyoncemoreaspoorBriss。
Thatweshouldhavebeenconfoundedwasdoubtlessbutaproofoftheimpression——thesingularassuranceofintimacybornetowardusonthesoftsummerair——thatwehad,howeverdelusively,received。Ishouldmyselfhavebeenasreadyasmyneighbourtosay"Whoeverheis,they’reindeep!"——andongrounds,moreover,quiteasrecklessly,asfantasticallyconstructiveashers。Therewasnothingtoexplainourimpressionbutthefactofouralreadyhavingseenthemfiguretogether,andofthisweneededbreathing—timetogivethemthenaturalbenefit。ItwasnotindeedasanabsolutebenefitforeitherthatGraceBrissenden’stonemarkedourrecognition。"DearGuyAGAIN?"——butshehadrecoveredherselfenoughtolaugh。"Ishouldhavethoughthehadhadmorethanhisturn!"ShehadrecoveredherselfinfactmuchmorethanI;forsomehow,fromthisinstant,convincedasshehadbeenandturningeverythingtoherconviction,Ifoundmyselfdealing,inthought,withstilllargermaterial。ItwasoddwhatadifferencewasmadeformebytherenewedsightofdearGuy。Ididn’tofcourseanalysethissenseatthetime;thatwasstilltocome。Ourfriendsmeanwhilehadnoticedus,andsomethingclearlypassedbetweenthem——italmostproduced,foraninstant,avisiblearrestintheiradvance——onthequestionoftheirhavingperhapsbeenforsometimeexposed。
Theycameon,however,andIwavedthemfromafaragreeting,towhichMrs。Serveralonereplied。DistancesweregreatatNewmarchandlandscape—gardeningonthegrandscale;itwouldtakethemstillsomeminutestoreachourplaceofvantageortoarrivewithinsoundofspeech。Therewasaccordinglynothingmarkedinourturningawayandstrollingbacktothehouse。Wehadbeensointentthatweconfessedbythismovementtoaquickimpulsetodisownit。Yetitwasremarkablethat,beforewewentin,Mrs。Brissendenshouldhavestruckmeafreshashavinggotallshewanted。Herrecoveryfromoursurprisewasalreadysocompletethatherhighluciditynowalonereigned。"Youdon’trequire,Isuppose,anythingmorethanTHAT?"
"Well,Idon’tquitesee,I’mboundtosay,justwhereeven’that’comesin。"Itincommodedmesingularlylittle,atthepointtowhichIhadjumped,thatthisstatementwastheexactreverseofthetruth。WhereitcameinwaswhatIhappenedtobeintheveryactofseeing——seeingtotheexclusionofalmosteverythingelse。ItwassufficientthatImightperhapsfeelmyselftohavedoneatlastwithMrs。Brissenden。Idesired,atallevents,quiteasifthisbenefitwereassuredme,toleaveherthehonoursofthelastword。
Shewasfinelyenoughpreparedtotakethem。"Why,thisinventionofusingmyhusband——!"Shefairlygaspedathavingtoexplain。
"Of’using’him?"
"Trailinghimacrossthescentasshedoesallofyou,oneaftertheother。Excusemycomparingyoutosomanyredherrings。Youeachhaveyourturn;onlyHISseemsrepeated,poordear,tillhe’squitewornoutwithit。"
Ikeptforalittlethisimageinmyeye。"Icanseeofcoursethathiswholesituationmustbesomethingofastrainforhim;forI’venotforgottenwhatyoutoldmeyesterdayofhisservicewithLadyJohn。Tohavetoworkinsuchawayfortwoofthematonce"——itcouldn’thelp,Iadmitted,beingataxonafellow。Besides,whenonecametothinkofit,thesamemancouldn’tbeTWOredherrings。ToshowasMrs。Server’swoulddirectlyimpairhispowertoshowasLadyJohn’s。Itwouldseem,inshort,amatterforhispatronessestohaveouttogether。
Mrs。Brissendenbetrayed,onthis,someannoyanceatmylevity。"Oh,thecasesarenotthesame,forwithLadyJohnitamuseshim:hethinksheknows。"
"Knowswhat?"
"Whatshewantshimfor。Hedoesn’tknow"——shekeptitwonderfullyclear——"thatshereallydoesn’twanthimforanything;foranythingexcept,ofcourse"——thiscameasadrollsecondthought——"himself。"
"Andhedoesn’tknow,either"——Itriedtoremainatherlevel——"thatMrs。Serverdoes。"
"No,"sheassented,"hedoesn’tknowwhatit’sherideatodowithhim。"
"Hedoesn’tknow,infine,"Icheerfullypursued,"thetruthaboutanything。
Andofcourse,byyouragreementwithme,he’snottolearnit。"
Sherecognisedheragreementwithme,yetlookedasifshehadreservedacertainmeasureoffreedom。Thenshehandsomelygaveupeventhat。"I
certainlydon’twanthimtobecomeconscious。"
"It’shisunconsciousness,"Ideclared,"thatsaveshim。"
"Yes,evenfromhimself。"
"Wemustaccordinglyfeedit。"Inthehouse,withintention,wepartedcompany;buttherewassomethingthat,beforethis,Ifeltitduetomyclaimofconsistencytobringout。"Itwasn’t,atallevents,GilbertLongbehindthetree!"
Mytriumph,however,beneaththespongeshewaspreparedtopassagainovermuchofourexperience,wasshort—lived。"Ofcourseitwasn’t。Weshouldn’thavebeentreatedtothesceneifitHADbeen。WhatcouldshepossiblyhaveputpoorBrissthereforbutjusttoshowitwasn’t?"
Chapter6
Isawotherthings,manythings,afterthis,butIhadalreadysomuchmatterforreflectionthatIsawthemalmostinspiteofmyself。Thedifficultywithmewasinthemomentumalreadyacquiredbytheact——aswellas,doubtless,bythegeneralhabit——ofobservation。IrememberindeedthatonseparatingfromMrs。BrissendenItookalivelyresolvetogetridofmyridiculousobsession。Itwasabsurdtohaveconsentedtosuchimmersion,intellectuallyspeaking,intheaffairsofotherpeople。Onehadalwaysaffairsofone’sown,andIwaspositivelyneglectingmine。Such,forawhile,wasmyforemostreflection;afterwhich,intheirorderoroutofit,cameaninevitabletrainofothers。Oneofthefirstofthesewasthat,frankly,myaffairswerebythistimeprettywellusedtomyneglect。Therewereconnectionsenoughinwhichithadneverfailed。Awholeclusterofsuchconnections,effectuallydisplacingthecentreofinterest,nowsurroundedme,andI
was——thoughalwaysbutintellectually——drawnintotheircircle。Ididmybestfortherestofthedaytoturnmybackonthem,butwiththepromptresultoffeelingthatImeddledwiththemalmostmoreinthinkingthemoverinisolationthaninhoveringpersonallyaboutthem。Reflectionwastherealintensity;reflection,astopoorMrs。Serverinparticular,wasanindiscreetopeningofdoors。ShebecamevividinthelightofthesolimitedvisionofherthatIalreadypossessed——trypositivelyasIwouldnotfurthertoextendit。Itwassomethingnottoaskanotherquestion,tokeepconstantlyawaybothfromMrs。BrissendenandfromFordObert,whomIhadrashlyinvitedtoadegreeofparticipation;itwassomethingtotalkashardaspossiblewithotherpersonsandonothersubjects,tomingleingroupsmuchmoresuperficialthantheysupposedthemselves,togiveeartobroaderjokes,todiscussmoretangiblemysteries。
Theday,asitdeveloped,waslargeandhot,anunstintedsplendourofsummer;excursions,exercise,organisedamusementwerethingsadmirablysparedus;lifebecameamerearrestedrambleorstimulatedlounge,andweprofitedtothefullbythenoblefreedomofNewmarch,thatoverarchingeasewhichinnothingwassomarkedasinthetoleranceoftalk。Theairoftheplaceitself,insuchconditions,leftone’spowerswithasenseofplay;ifonewantedsomethingtoplayatonesimplyplayedatbeingthere。Ididthismyself,withtheaid,inespecial,oftwoorthreesolitarystrolls,unaccompanieddips,ofhalfanhoura—piece,intooutlyingpartsofthehouseandthegrounds。ImustaddthatwhileIresortedtosuchmeasuresnottoseeIonlyfixedwhatIHADseen,whatIdidsee,themoreinmymind。Oneofthesethingshadbeenthewaythat,atluncheon,GilbertLong,watchingthechancegivenhimbythelooseorderinwhichwemovedtoit,slipped,tothevisibledefeatofsomebodyelse,intothechairofconspicuitybesidecleverLadyJohn。AsecondwasthatMrs。Serverthenoccupiedaplaceasremoteaspossiblefromthiscouple,butnotfromGuyBrissenden,whohadfoundmeanstoseathimselfnextherwhilemynoticewasengagedbytheothers。WhatIwasatthesametimesupremelystruckwithcoulddoubtlessonlybeMrs。Server’sbrightubiquity,asithadatlastcometoseemtome,andthatofthecompanionsshehadrecruitedfortheoccasion。Attendedconstantlybyadifferentgentleman,shewasintherangeofmyvisionwhereverIturned——shekeptrepeatingherpictureinsettingsseparatedbysuchintervalsthatIwonderedattheceleritywithwhichsheproceededfromspottospot。Shewasneverdiscerniblyoutofbreath,thoughtheassociateofherecstasyatthegivenmomentmighthavebeentakenasbeing;andIkeptgettingafreshtheimpressionwhich,thedaybefore,hadsopromptlyfollowedmyarrival,theoddimpression,asofsomethingthematterwitheachparty,thatIhadgathered,inthegrounds,fromthesightofheradvanceuponmewithObert。Ihadbythistimeofcoursemadeout——anditwasabsurdtoshutmyeyestoit——whatTHATparticularsomething,atleast,was。ItwasthatOberthadquicklyperceivedsomethingtobethematterwithHER,andthatshe,onherside,hadbecomeawareofhisdiscovery。
Iwonderedhereuponifthediscoverywereinevitableforeachgentlemaninsuccession,andifthisweretheirreasonforchangingsooften。Dideveryoneleaveher,likeObert,withanuneasyimpressionofher,andweretheseimpressionsnowpassedaboutwithprivatehilarityorprofundity,thoughwithouthavingreachedmesavefromthesourceIhavenamed?Iaffectedmyselfasconstantlycatchinghereye,asifshewishedtocallmyattentiontothefactofwhowaswithherandwhowasnot。Ihadkeptmydistancesinceourepisodewiththepastels,andyetnothingcouldmorecomehometomethanthatIhadreallynot,sincethen,beenabsentfromher。Wemetwithouttalk,butnot,thankstothesepointedlooks,withoutcontact。
Idaresaythat,forthatmatter,mycogitations——forImusthavebristledwiththem——wouldhavemademeasstiffapuzzletointerpretativemindsasIhadsufferedotherphenomenatobecometomyown。IdaresayIwanderedwithatell—talerestlessnessofwhichthepracticaldetachmentmightwellhavemystifiedthosewhohadn’tsuspicions。WheneverIcaughtMrs。Server’seyeitwasreallytowonderhowmanysuspicionsSHEhad。Icameuponheringreatdimchambers,andIcameuponherbeforesweepsofview。IcameuponheroncemorewiththeComtedeDreuil,withLordLutley,withFordObert,withalmosteveryothermaninthehouse,andwithseveralofthese,asiftherehadnotbeenenoughforsomanyturns,twoorthreetimesover。
Onlyatnomoment,whateverthefavouringframe,didIcomeuponherwithGilbertLong。Itwasofcourseananomalythat,asaneasyaccident,I
wasnotagainmyselfsetinthefavouringframe。ThatIconsistentlyescapedbeingmightindeedhavebeenthemeaningmostmarkedinourmuterecognitions。
Discretion,then,Ifinallyfelt,playedanoddpartwhenitsimplyleftonemoreattached,morally,toone’sprey。Whatwasmostevidenttomebyfiveo’clockintheafternoonwasthatIwastoopreoccupiednottofinditthebestwisdomtoacceptmymood。Itwasallverywelltorunaway;therewouldbenoeffectualrunningawaybuttohavemythingsquicklypackedandcatch,ifpossible,atrainfortown。OnthespotIhadtoBE
onit;anditbegantodawnbeforemethattherewassomethingquiteotherIpossiblymightdowithMrs。Serverthanendeavourineffectuallytoforgether。Whatwasnoneofone’sbusinessmightchangeitsnameshouldimportunitytaketheformofutility。Inresistedobservationthatwasvividthought,ininevitablethoughtthatwasvividobservation,throughasuccession,inshort,ofphasesinwhichIshallnotpretendtodistinguishoneoftheseelementsfromtheother,IfoundmyselfcherishingthefruitoftheseeddroppedequallybyFordObertandbyMrs。Briss。WhatwasthematterwithME?——somuchasthatIhadendedbyaskingmyself;andtheanswerhadcomeasanunmistakablereturnoftheanxietyproducedinmebymyfirstseeingthatIhadfairlyletGraceBrissendenloose。MyoriginalprotestagainsttheflashofinspirationinwhichshehadfixedresponsibilityonMrs。Serverhadbeeninfact,Inowsaw,butthescaredpresentimentofsomethinginstoreformyself。Thisscare,toexpressitsharply,hadverilynotleftmefromthatmoment;andifIhadbeenalreadythenanxiousitwasbecauseIhadfeltmyselfforedoomedtobesurethepoorladyherselfwouldbe。WhyIshouldhavemindedthis,shouldhavebeenanxiousatheranxietyandscaredatherscare,wasaquestiontroublingmetoolittleonthespotformetosufferittotroubleme,asapainterofmystate,inthisplace。Itissufficientthatwhensomuchoftheafternoonhadwanedastobringsignsoftheserviceofteaintheopenair,IknewhowfarIwasgoneinpityforher。ForIhadatlasthadtotakeinwhatmytwointerlocutorshadgivenme。Theirimpression,coincidingand,asonemightsay,disinterested,couldn’t,afteralittle,failinsomedegreetoimposeitself。Ithaditsvalue。Mrs。ServerWAS"nervous。"
ItlittlematteredtomenowthatMrs。Brisshadputittome——thatIhadevenwhimsicallyputittomyself——thatIwasperhapsinlovewithher。Thatwasasgoodanameasanotherforaninterestspringingupinanhour,andwasmoreoveradecentworkinghypothesis。Thesentimenthadnotindeedasserteditselfat"firstsight,"thoughitmighthavetakenitsplaceremarkablywellamongthephenomenaofwhatisknownassecond。
Therealfactwas,nonetheless,thatIwasquitetoosorryforhertobeanythingexceptsorry。ThisoddfeelingwassomethingthatImayaswellsayIshallnotevennowattempttoaccountfor——partly,itistrue,becausemyrecitaloftherestofwhatIwastoseeinnosmallmeasuredoesso。ItwasaforcethatIatthisstagesimplyfoundIhadalreadysuccumbedto。IfitwasnottheresultofwhatIhadgrantedtomyselfwasthematterwithher,thenitwasrathertheverycauseofmymakingthatconcession。Itwasadifferentthingfrommyfirstpromptimpulsetoshieldher。Ihadalreadyshieldedher——foughtforhersofarasIcouldorasthecaseimmediatelyrequired。MyownsenseofhowIwasaffectedhadpracticallyclearedup,inshort,inthepresenceofthisdeepervisionofher。Mydivinationsandinductionshadfinallybroughthometomethatinthewholehuge,brilliant,crowdedplaceIwastheonlypersonsaveonewhowasinanythingthatcouldbecalledarelationtoher。Theotherperson’srelationwasconcealed,andmine,sofarassheherselfwasconcerned,wasunexpressed——sothatIsupposewhatmost,atthejunctureinquestion,stirredwithinmewasthewonderofhowImightsuccessfullyexpressit。
IfeltthatsolongasIdidn’texpressitIshouldbehauntedwiththeideaofsomethinginfinitelytouchingandtragicinherloneliness——possiblyinhertorment,inherterror。Ifshewas"nervous"tothetuneIhadcometorecognise,itcouldonlybebecauseshehadgrounds。Andwhatmighthergroundsmorenaturallybethanthat,arrangedandarrayed,disguisedanddecorated,pursuinginvain,throughourcarelesscompany,hersearchfortherightshadeofapparentsecurity,shefeltherselfnonethelessallthewhiletherestlessvictimoffearandfailure?
Oncemyimaginationhadseenherinthislightthetouchesitcouldaddtothepicturemightbetrustedtobetelling。Furtherobservationwastoconvincemeoftheirtruth,butwhileIwaitedforitwithmyapprehensionthatitwouldcomeinspiteofmeIeasilymultipliedandlavishedthem。
Imadeoutaboveallwhatshewouldmostbetryingtohide。Itwasnot,sotospeak,theguardedprimaryfact——itcouldonlybe,wretchedwoman,thatproduced,thatdisastrous,treacherousconsequenceofthefactwhichherfacultieswouldexhibit,andmostofallthesnappedcordofherfacultyoftalk。GuyBrissendenhad,attheworst,hiscompromisedfaceandfiguretoshowandtoshroud——ifhewerereally,thatis,asmuchawareofthemasonehadsuspected。Shehadherwholecompromisedmachineryofthoughtandspeech,andifthesesignswerenot,likehis,external,thatmadehercasebuttheharder,forshehadtocreate,withintelligencerapidlyebbing,withwithalfgone,theillusionofanunimpairedestate。Shewaslikesomeunhappyladyrobbedofherbestjewels——obligedsotodisposeanddistributetheminortrinketsthathadescapedasstilltogivetheimpressionofarichecrin。Wasnotthatembarrassment,ifoneanalysedalittle,atthebottomofherhavingbeenallday,inthevulgarphraseandasthethreeofushadtoocruellynoted,allovertheplace?WASindeed,forthatmatter,thisobservationconfinedtous,orhaditatlastbeenirrepressiblydeterminedonthepartofthecompanyatlarge?Thiswasaquestion,Ihastentoadd,thatIwouldnotnowfortheworldhaveputtothetest。IfeltIshouldhaveknownhowtoescapehadanyrumourofwonderatMrs。Server’swaysbeenfinallyconveyedtome。Imightfromthismomenthave,asmuchasIliked,myownsenseofit,butIwasdefinitelyconsciousofasortofloyaltytoherthatwouldhaverenderedmeblankbeforeothers:thoughnotindeedthat——oh,atlast,quitethecontrary!——itwouldhaveforbiddenmetowatchandwatch。IpositivelydreadedtheaccidentofmybeingaskedbyoneofthemenifIknewhoweveryonewastalkingabouther。Ifeveryonewastalkingabouther,Iwantedpositivelynottoknow。Butnobodywas,probably——theyscarcelycouldbeasyet。WithoutsuggestivecollateralevidencetherewouldbenobodyinthehousesoconscientiouslyinfernalasMrs。Brissenden,ObertandI。
Newmarchhadalways,inourtime,carrieditselfasthegreatasylumofthefinerwit,moreorlessexpresslygivingoutthat,asinvokinghospitalityorothercountenance,noneofthestupid,noneevenofthevotariesofthegrosslyobvious,needapply;butIcouldluckilyatpresentreflectthatitsmeasurementsinthisdirectionhadnotalwaysbeenmyown,andthat,moreover,whateverprecisiontheypossessed,humanblandness,eveninsuchhappyhalls,hadnotbeenquiteabolished。Therewasasoundlawinvirtueofwhichonecouldalways——alikeinprivilegedandunprivilegedcircles——restmoreonpeople’sdensitythanontheirpenetrability。Wasn’tittheirdensitytoothatwouldbepracticallynearesttheirgoodnature?
Whateverhersuccessivepartnersofamomentmighthavenoticed,theywouldn’thavediscoveredinherreasonfordroppingthemquicklyaprincipleoffearthattheymightnoticeherfailurearticulatelytokeepup。Myownactualvision,whichhaddevelopedwithsuchaffluence,wasthat,inagivencase,shecouldkeepupbutforafewminutesandwasthereforeobligedtobringthecontacttoanendbeforeexposure。Ihadconsistentlymasteredherpredicament:shehadatoncetocultivatecontacts,sothatpeopleshouldn’tguessherrealconcentration,andtomakethemaliteraltouchandgo,sothattheyshouldn’tsuspecttheenfeeblementofhermind。Itwasobviouslystillwortheverythingtoherthatshewassocharming。I
hadtheorisedwithMrs。Brissendenonhersupposititiousinanity,buttheexplanationofsuchcynicismineitherofuscouldonlybeasensibilitytothetruththatattractionssogreatmightfloatherevenalongtimeafterintelligencepureandsimpleshouldhavecollapsed。
Wasnotmypresentuneasiness,nonetheless,aprivatecuriositytoascertainjusthowmuchorhowlittleofthatelementshehadsavedfromthewreck?Shedodged,doubled,managed,brokeoff,clutchingoccasions,yetdoubtlessriskingdumbnesses,vaguenessesandotherbetrayals,dependingonattitudes,motions,expressions,amaterialpersonality,infine,inwhichaplainwomanwouldhavefoundnothingbutfailure;andpeacethereforemightrulethesceneoneveryhypothesisbutthatofhergetting,toputitcrudely,worse。HowIremembersayingtomyselfthatifshedidn’tgetbettershesurelyMUSTgetworse!——beingawarethatIreferredontheonesidetoheroccultsurrenderandontheothertoitsawfulpenalty。Itbecamepresenttomethatshepossiblymightrecoverifanythingshouldhappenthatwouldpullherup,turnherintosomeotherchannel。If,however,thatconsiderationdidn’tdetainmelongerthefactmaystandasasignofhowlittleIbelievedinanycheck。GilbertLongmightdie,butnottheintensityhehadinspired。TheanalogywiththesituationoftheBrissendenshere,Ifurtherconsidered,brokedown;IatanyrateratherpositivelywelcomedtheviewthatthesacrificedpartytoTHATunionmightreallyfindthearrestofhisdecline,ifnottherenewalofhisyouth,inthelossofhiswife。Wouldthisladyindeed,asaneffectofHISdeath,begintowrinkleandshrivel?ItwouldsoundbrutaltosaythatthiswaswhatIshouldhavepreferredtohold,wereitnotthatIinfactfeltforcedtorecognisetheslightnessofsuchachance。Shewouldhavelovedhisyouth,andhavemadeitherown,indeathasinlife,andhewouldhavequittedtheworld,intruth,onlythemoreeffectuallytoleaveittoher。
Mrs。Server’squandary——whichwasnowallIcaredfor——wasexactlyinherowncertitudeofeveryabsenceofissue。ButIneedgivelittlemoreevidenceofhowithadsetmethinking。
Asmuchasanythingelse,perhaps,itwasthefearofwhatoneofthemenmightsaytomethatmademeforanhourortwo,atthiscrisis,continuouslyshy。Nobody,doubtless,wouldhavesaidanythingworsethanthatshewasmoreofaflirtthanever,thattheyhadallcomparednotesandwouldaccordinglybeinterestedinsomehintofanother,possiblyadeeper,experience。ItwouldhavebeenalmostasembarrassingtohavetotellthemhowlittleexperienceIhadhadinfactastohavehadtotellthemhowmuchIhadhadinfancy——allthemorethatIhadasyetonlymythinideaofthelineoffeelinginherthathadledhersotospareme。Teaontheterracesrepresented,meanwhile,amongus,somuchneglectofeverythingelsethatmymeditationsremainedforsometimeasunobservedasIcoulddesire。
Iwasnot,moreover,heedingmuchwheretheycarriedme,andbecameawareofwhatIowedthemonlyonatlastfindingmyselfanticipatedastheoccupantofanarbourintowhichIhadstrolled。ThenIsawIhadreachedaremotepartofthegreatgardens,andthatforsomeofmyfriendsalsosecludedthoughthadinducements;thoughitwasnot,Ihastentoadd,thateitherofthepairIhereencounteredappearedtobestrikingoutinanyveryoriginaldirection。LadyJohnandGuyBrissenden,inthearbour,werethinkingsecludedlytogether;theyweretogether,thatis,becausetheywerescarceafootapart,andtheywerethinking,Iinferred,becausetheyweredoingnothingelse。Silence,byeverysymptom,haddefinitelysettledonthem,andwhateveritwasIinterruptedhadnoresemblancetotalk。Nothing——inthegeneralairofevidencehadmorestruckmethanthatwhatLadyJohn’sfamousintellectseemedtodrawmostfromBrissenden’spresencewasthelibertytorest。Yetitshookoffthislanguorassoonasshesawme;itthrewitselfstraightintothefield;itwent,Icouldsee,throughallthemotionsrequiredofitbyherladyship’sfallaciousphilosophy。Icouldmarktheseemotions,andwhatdeterminedthem,asbehindclearglass。
Ifound,onmyside,arareintellectualjoy,theoddestsecretexultation,infeelingherbegininstantlytoplaythepartIhadattributedtoherintheirreducibledrama。Shebrokeoutinamannerthatcouldonlyhavehadforitspurposetorepresenttomethatmereweakamiabilityhadcommittedhertosuchapredicament。Itwastohumourherfriend’shusbandthatshehadstrayedsofar,forshewassomehowsorryforhim,and——goodcreatureasweallknewher——had,onprinciple,akindlittlewayofherownwithsillyinfatuations。HisWASsilly,butitwasunmistakable,andshehadforsometimebeenfindingit,inshort,acaseforaspecialtact。ThatheboredhertodeathImighthavegatheredbythewaytheysatthere,andshecouldtrustmetobelieve——couldn’tshe?——thatshewasonlymusingastohowshemightmosthumanelygetridofhim。ShewouldleadhimsafelybacktothefoldifIwouldgivehertime。Sheseemedtoaskitall,oddly,ofme,totakemeremarkablyintoherconfidence,toreferme,foraspecimenofhisbehaviour,tohissignalabandonmentofhiswifethedaybefore,hishavingwaitedover,tocomedown,forthetraininwhichpoorSHEwastotravel。Itwasatallevents,Ifelt,oneoftheconsequencesofhavingcaughtontosomuchthatIbythistimefoundmyselfcatchingontoeverything。
第5章