CHAPTERLIII。
　　HELENA’SDIARYRESUMED。
　　AFTERtheheatofmyangerhadcooled，Imadetwodiscoveries。
　　Onecostmeafeetoamessenger，andtheotherexposedmetotheinsolenceofaservant。Ipaywillinglyinmypurseandmypride，whenthegainispeaceofmind。ThroughmymessengerI
　　ascertainedthatEunicehadneverleftthefarm。Throughmyowninquiries，answeredbythewaiterwithanimpudentgrin，IheardthatPhiliphadleftorderstohavehisroomkeptforhim。Whatmiseryourstupidhousemaidmighthavesparedme，ifshehadthoughtofputtingthatquestionwhenIsenthertothehotel！
　　TherestofthedaypassedinvainspeculationsonPhilip’smotiveforthissuddendeparture。Whatpoorweakcreaturesweare！Ipersuadedmyselftohopethatanxietyforourmarriagehadurgedhimtomakeanefforttotouchtheheartofhismeanfather。ShallIseehimto—morrow？AndshallIhavereasontobefonderofhimthanever？
　　Wemetagainto—dayasusual。Hehasbehavedinfamously。
　　WhenIaskedwhathadbeenhisobjectingoingtoLondon，Iwastoldthatitwas"amatterofbusiness。"HemadethatidioticexcuseascoollyasifhereallythoughtIshouldbelieveit。I
　　submittedinsilence，ratherthanmarhisreturntomebythedisasterofaquarrel。Butthiswasanunluckyday。Ahardertrialofmyself—controlwasstilltocome。Withouttheslightestappearanceofshame，PhilipinformedmethathewaschargedwithamessagefromMrs。Tenbruggen！ShewantedsomeIrishlace，andwouldIbesogoodastotellherwhichwasthebestshopatwhichshecouldbuyit？
　　Washereallyinearnest？"You，"Isaid，"whodistrustedanddetestedher——youareonfriendlytermswiththatwoman？"
　　Heremonstratedwithme。"MydearHelena，don’tspeakinthatwayofMrs。Tenbruggen。Wehavebothbeenmistakenabouther。ThatgoodcreaturehasforgiventhebrutalmannerinwhichIspoketoher，whenshewasinattendanceonmyfather。Shewasthefirsttoproposethatweshouldshakehandsandforgetit。Mydarling，don’tletallthegoodfeelingbeononeside。Youhavenoideahowkindlyshespeaksofyou，andhowanxioussheistohelpustobemarried。Come！come！meetherhalf—way。Writedownthenameoftheshoponmycard，andIwilltakeitbacktoher。"
　　Sheeramazementkeptmesilent：Ilethimgoon。HewasamerechildinthehandsofMrs。Tenbruggen：shehadonlytodeterminetomakeafoolofhim，andshecoulddoit。
　　Butwhydidshedoit？Whatadvantagehadshetogainbyinsinuatingherselfinthiswayintohisgoodopinion，evidentlywiththeintentionofurginghimtoreconcileustoeachother？HowcouldwetwopooryoungpeoplebeofthesmallestusetothefashionableMasseuse？
　　MysilencebegantoirritatePhilip。"Ineverknewbeforehowobstinateyoucouldbe，"hesaid；"youseemtobedoingyourbest——Ican’timaginewhy——toloweryourselfinmyestimation。"
　　Iheldmytongue；Iassumedmysmile。Itisallverywellformentotalkaboutthedeceitfulnessofwomen。Whatchance（Ishouldliketoasksomebodywhoknowsaboutit）dothemengiveusofmakingourliveswiththemendurable，exceptbydeceit！Igaveway，ofcourse，andwrotedowntheaddressoftheshop。
　　Hewassopleasedthathekissedme。Yes！themostfondlyaffectionatekissthathehadgivenme，forweekspast，wasmyrewardforsubmittingtoMrs。Tenbruggen。Sheisoldenoughtobehismother，andalmostasuglyasMissJillgall——andshehasmadeherinterestshisinterestsalready！
　　Onthenextday，IfullyexpectedtoreceiveavisitfromMrs。
　　Tenbruggen。Sheknewbetterthanthat。Ionlygotapolitelittlenote，thankingmefortheaddress，andaddinganartlessconcession："IearnmoremoneythanIknowwhattodowith；andI
　　adoreIrishlace。"
　　Thenextdaycame，andstillshewascarefulnottoshowherselftooeagerforapersonalreconciliation。Asplendidnosegaywassenttome，withanotherlittlenote："Atribute，dearHelena，offeredbyoneofmygratefulpatients。Toobeautifulapresentforanoldwomanlikeme。Iagreewiththepoet：’Sweetstothesweet。’AcharmingthoughtofShakespeare’s，isitnot？Ishouldliketoverifythequotation。Wouldyoumindleavingthevolumeformeinthehall，ifIcallto—morrow？"
　　Welldone，Mrs。Tenbruggen！Shedoesn’tventuretointrudeonMissGracedieuinthedrawing—room；sheonlywantstoverifyaquotationinthehall。Oh，goddessofHumility（ifthereissuchaperson），howbecominglyyouaredressedwhenyourmillinerisanartfuloldwoman！
　　Whilethisreflectionwaspassingthroughmymind，MissJillgallcamein——sawthenosegayonthetable——andinstantlypouncedonit。"Oh，forme！forme！"shecried。"InoticeditthismorningonElizabeth’stable。Howverykindofher！"Sheplungedherinquisitivenoseintothepoorflowers，andlookedupsentimentallyattheceiling。"Theperfumeofgoodness，"sheremarked，"mingledwiththeperfumeofflowers！""Whenyouhavequitedonewithit，"Isaid，"perhapsyouwillbesogoodastoreturnmynosegay？""_Your_nosegay！"sheexclaimed。"ThereisMrs。Tenbruggen’sletter，"Ireplied，"ifyouwouldliketolookatit。"Shedidlookatit。Allthebileinherbodyflewupintohereyes，andturnedthemgreen；shelookedasifshelongedtoscratchmyface。IgavetheflowersafterwardtoMaria；MissJillgall’snosehadcompletelyspoiledthem。
　　ItwouldhavebeentooridiculoustohaveallowedMrs。TenbruggentoconsultShakespeareinthehall。Ihadthehonorofreceivingherinmyownroom。Weaccomplishedatouchingreconciliation，andwequiteforgotShakespeare。
　　Shetroublesme；shedoesindeedtroubleme。
　　HavingsetherselfentirelyrightwithPhilip，sheisdeterminedonperformingthesamemiraclewithme。Herreformofherselfisalreadycomplete。Hervulgarhumorwaskeptunderstrictrestraint；shewasquietandwell—bred，andreadiertolistenthantotalk。Thischangewasnotpresentedabruptly。ShecontrivedtoexpressherfriendlyinterestsinPhilipandinmebyhintsdroppedhereandthere，assistedintheireffortbyanswersonmypart，intowhichIwastemptedsoskillfullythatI
　　onlydiscoveredthesnaresetforme，onreflection。Whatisit，Iaskagain，thatshehasinviewintakingallthistrouble？
　　Whereishermotiveforencouragingalove—affair，whichMissJillgallmusthavedenouncedtoherasanabominablewronginflictedonEunice？Money（eveniftherewasaprospectofsuchathing，inourcase）cannotbeherobject；itisquitetruethathersuccesssetsherabovepecuniaryanxiety。SpitefulfeelingagainstEuniceisoutofthequestion。Theyhaveonlymetonce；
　　andheropinionwasexpressedtomewithevidentsincerity："Yoursisterisanicegirl，butsheislikeothernicegirls——shedoesn’tinterestme。"ThereisEunice’scharacter，drawnfromthelifeinfewwords。InwhatanirritatingpositiondoIfindmyselfplaced！NeverbeforehaveIfeltsointerestedintryingtolookintoaperson’ssecretmind；andneverbeforehaveIbeensocompletelybaffled。
　　Ihadwrittenasfarasthis，andwasonthepointofclosingmyJournal，whenathirdnotearrivedfromMrs。Tenbruggen。
　　Shehadbeenthinkingaboutmeatintervals（shewrote）allthroughtherestoftheday；and，kindlyasIhadreceivedher，shewasconsciousofbeingtheobjectofdoubtsonmypartwhichhervisithadfailedtoremove。Mightsheaskleavetocallonme，inthehopeofimprovingherpositioninmyestimation？Anappointmentfollowedforthenextday。
　　Whatcanshehavetosaytomewhichshehasnotalreadysaid？IsitanythingaboutPhilip，Iwonder？
　　CHAPTERLIV。
　　HELENA’SDIARYRESUMED。
　　ATourinterviewofthenextday，Mrs。Tenbruggen’scapacityforself—reformappearedunderanewaspect。Shedroppedallfamiliaritywithme，andshestatedtheobjectofhervisitwithoutasuperfluouswordofexplanationorapology。
　　Ithoughtthisaremarkableeffortforawoman；andIrecognizedthemeritofitbyleavingthelion’sshareofthetalktomyvisitor。Inthesetermssheopenedherbusinesswithme：
　　"HasMr。PhilipDunboynetoldyouwhyhewenttoLondon？"
　　"Hemadeacommonplaceexcuse，"Ianswered。"Business，hesaid，tookhimtoLondon。Iknownomore。"
　　"Youhaveafairprospectofhappiness，MissHelena，whenyouaremarried——yourfuturehusbandisevidentlyafraidofyou。Iamnotafraidofyou；andIshallconfidetoyourprivateearsomethingwhichyouhaveaninterestinknowing。ThebusinesswhichtookyoungMr。DunboynetoLondonwastoconsultacompetentperson，onamatterconcerninghimself。Thecompetentpersonisthesagacious（nottosaysly）oldgentleman——whomweusedtocalltheGovernor。Youknowhim，Ibelieve？"
　　"Yes。ButIamatalosstoimaginewhyPhilipshouldhaveconsultedhim。"
　　"Haveyoueverheardorread，MissHelena，ofsuchathingas’anoldman’sfancy’？"
　　"IthinkIhave。"
　　"Well，theGovernorhastakenanoldman’sfancytoyoursister。
　　TheyappearedtounderstandeachotherperfectlywhenIwasatthefarmhouse。"
　　"Excuseme，Mrs。Tenbruggen，thatiswhatIknowalready。WhydidPhilipgototheGovernor？"
　　Shesmiled。"Ifanybodyisacquaintedwiththetruestateofyoursister’sfeelings，theGovernoristheman。IsentMr。Dunboynetoconsulthim——andthereisthereasonforit。"
　　Thisopenavowalofhermotivesperplexedandoffendedme。Afterdeclaringherselftobeinterestedinmymarriage—engagementhadshechangedhermind，andresolvedonfavoringPhilip’sreturntoEunice？Whatrighthadhetoconsultanybodyaboutthestateofthatgirl’sfeelings？_My_feelingsformtheonlysubjectofinquirythatwasproperlyopentohim。IshouldhavesaidsomethingwhichImighthaveafterwardregretted，ifMrs。
　　Tenbruggenhadallowedmetheopportunity。Fortunatelyforbothofus，shewentonwithhernarrativeofherownproceedings。
　　"PhilipDunboyneisanexcellentfellow，"shecontinued；"I
　　reallylikehim——buthehashisfaults。Hesadlywantsstrengthofpurpose；and，likeweakmeningeneral，heonlyknowshisownmindwhenaresolutefriendtakeshiminhandandguideshim。I
　　amhisresolutefriend。IsawhimveeringaboutbetweenyouandEunice；andIdecidedforhissake——mayIsayforyoursakealso？——onputtinganendtothatmischievousstateofindecision。
　　Youhavetheclaimonhim；youaretherightwifeforhim，andtheGovernorwas（asIthoughtlikelyfromwhatIhadmyselfobserved）themantomakehimseeit。Iamnotinanybody’ssecrets；itwaspureguessworkonmypart，andithassucceeded。
　　ThereisnomoredoubtnowaboutMissEunice’ssentiments。Thequestionissettled。"
　　"Inmyfavor？"
　　"Certainlyinyourfavor——orIshouldnothavesaidawordaboutit。"
　　"WasPhilip’svisitkindlyreceived？Ordidtheoldwretchlaughathim？"
　　"MydearMissGracedieu，theoldwretchisamanoftheworld，andnevermakesmistakesofthatsort。Beforehecouldopenhislips，hehadtosatisfyhimselfthatyourloverdeservedtobetakenintohisconfidence，onthedelicatesubjectofEunice’ssentiments。Hearrivedatafavorableconclusion。IcanrepeatPhilip’squestionsandtheGovernor’sanswersafterputtingtheyoungmanthroughastiffexaminationjustastheypassed：’MayI
　　inquire，sir，ifshehasspokentoyouaboutme？’’Shehasoftenspokenaboutyou。’’Didsheseemtobeangrywithme？’’Sheistoogoodandtoosweettobeangrywithyou。’’Doyouthinkshewillforgiveme？’’Shehasforgivenyou。’’Didshesaysoherself？’’Yes，ofherownfreewill。’’WhydidsherefusetoseemewhenIcalledatthefarm？’’Shehadherownreasons——goodreasons。’’Hassheregretteditsince？’’Certainlynot。’’Isitlikelythatshewouldconsent，ifIproposedareconciliation？’
　　’Iputthatquestiontohermyself。’’Howdidshetakeit，sir？’
　　’Shedeclinedtotakeit。’’Youmeanthatshedeclinedareconciliation？’’Yes。’’Areyousureshewasinearnest？’’Iampositivelysure。’Thatlastanswerseems，byyoungDunboyne’sownconfession，tohavebeenenough，andmorethanenoughforhim。Hegotuptogo——andthenanoddthinghappened。Aftergivinghimthemostunfavorableanswers，theGovernorpattedhimpaternallyontheshoulder，andencouragedhimtohope。’Beforewesaygood—by，Mr。Philip，onewordmore。IfIwasasyoungasyouare，Ishouldnotdespair。’Thereisasuddenchangeoffront！Whocanexplainit？"
　　TheGovernor’smischievousresolutiontoreconcilePhilipandEuniceexplainedit，ofcourse。Withthebestintentions（perhaps）Mrs。Tenbruggenhadhelpedthatdesignbybringingthetwomentogether。"Goon，"Isaid；"IampreparedtohearnextthatPhiliphaspaidanothervisittomysister，andhasbeenreceivedthistime。"
　　ImustsaythisforMrs。Tenbruggen：shekepthertemperperfectly。
　　"Hehasnotbeentothefarm，"shesaid，"buthehasdonesomethingnearlyasfoolish。Hehaswrittentoyoursister。"
　　"Andhehasreceivedafavorablereply，ofcourse？"
　　Sheputherhandintothepocketofherdress。
　　"Thereisyoursister’sreply，"shesaid。
　　Anypersonswhohavehadacrushingburdenlifted，unexpectedlyandinstantly，fromofftheirminds，willknowwhatIfeltwhenI
　　readthereply。Inthemostpositivelanguage，EunicerefusedtocorrespondwithPhilip，ortospeakwithhim。Theconcludingwordsprovedthatshewasinearnest。"YouareengagedtoHelena。
　　Considermeasastrangeruntilyouaremarried。Afterthattimeyouwillbemybrother—in—law，andthenImaypardonyouforwritingtome。"
　　NobodywhoknowsEunicewouldhavesupposedthatshepossessedthosetwovaluablequalities——common—senseandproperpride。ItispleasanttofeelthatIcannowsendcardstomysister，whenIamMrs。PhilipDunboyne。
　　IreturnedthelettertoMrs。Tenbruggen，withthesincerestexpressionsofregretforhavingdoubtedher。"Ihavebeenunworthyofyourgenerousinterestinme，"Isaid；"Iamalmostashamedtoofferyoumyhand。"
　　Shetookmyhand，andgaveitagood，headyshake。
　　"Arewefriends？"sheasked，inthesimplestandprettiestmanner。"Thenletusbeeasyandpleasantagain，"shewenton。
　　"WillyoucallmeElizabeth；andshallIcallyouHelena？Verywell。NowIhavegotsomethingelsetosay；anothersecretwhichmustbekeptfromPhilip（Icall_him_byhisnamenow，yousee）
　　forafewdaysmore。Yourhappiness，mydear，mustnotdependonhismiserlyoldfather。Hemusthavealittleincomeofhisowntomarryon。AmongthehundredsofunfortunatewretcheswhomI
　　haverelievedfromtortureofmindandbody，thereisagratefulminority。Small！small！buttheretheyare。Ihaveinfluenceamongpowerfulpeople；andIamtryingtomakePhilipprivatesecretarytoamemberofParliament。WhenIhavesucceeded，youshalltellhimthegoodnews。"
　　WhatavilehumorImusthavebeenin，atthetime，nottohaveappreciatedthedelightfulgayetyofthisgoodcreature；Iwenttotheotherextremenow，andbehavedlikeagushingyoungmissfreshfromschool。Ikissedher。
　　Sheburstoutlaughing。"Whatasacrifice！"shecried。"Akissforme，whichoughttohavebeenkeptforPhilip！By—the—by，doyouknowwhatIshoulddo，Helena，inyourplace？Ishouldtakeourhandsomeyoungmanawayfromthathotel！"
　　"Iwilldoanythingthatyouadvise，"Isaid。
　　"Andyouwilldowell，mychild。Inthefirstplace，thehotelistooexpensiveforPhilip’ssmallmeans。Inthesecondplace，twoofthechambermaidshaveaudaciouslypresumedtobecharminggirls；andthemen，mydear——well！well！Iwillleaveyoutofindthatoutforyourself。Inthethirdplace，youwanttohavePhilipunderyourownwing；domesticfamiliaritywillmakehimfonderofyouthanever。Keephimoutofthesortofcompanythathemeetswithinthebilliard—roomandthesmoking—room。Youhavegotasparebedhere，Iknow，andyourpoorfatherisinnoconditiontousehisauthority。MakePhiliponeofthefamily。"
　　Thislastpieceofadvicestaggeredme。ImentionedtheProprieties。Mrs。TenbruggenlaughedattheProprieties。
　　"MakeSelinaofsomeuse，"shesuggested。"Whileyouhavegot_her_inthehouse，Proprietyisrampant。WhycondemnpoorhelplessPhiliptocheaplodgings？Timeenoughtocasthimouttothefeather—bedandthefleasonthenightbeforeyourmarriage。
　　Besides，Ishallbeinandoutconstantly——forImeantocureyourfather。Thetongueofscandalissilentinmyawfulpresence；anatmosphereofvirtuesurroundsMammaTenbruggen。
　　Thinkofit。"
　　CHAPTERLV。
　　HELENA’SDIARYRESUMED。
　　IDIDthinkofit。Philipcametous，andlivedinourhouse。
　　LetmehastentoaddthattheprotestofProprietywasdulyentered，onthedaybeforemypromisedhusbandarrived。Standinginthedoorway——nothingwouldinducehertotakeachair，oreventoentertheroom——MissJillgalldeliveredheropiniononPhilip’sapproachingvisit。Mrs。Tenbruggenreporteditinherpocket—book，asifshewasrepresentinganewspaperatapublicmeeting。Hereitis，copiedfromhernotes：
　　"MissHelenaGracedieu，myfirstimpulseunderthepresentdisgustingcircumstanceswastoleavethehouse，andearnabarecrustinthecheapestgarretIcouldfindinthetown。ButmygratefulheartremembersMr。Gracedieu。MypoorafflictedcousinwasgoodtomewhenIwashelpless。Icannotforsakehimwhen_he_ishelpless。Atwhateversacrificeofmyownself—respect，I
　　remainunderthisroof，sodeartomefortheMinister’ssake。I
　　notice，miss，thatyousmile。IseemyoncedearElizabeth，thefriendwhohassobitterlydisappointedme——"shestopped，andputherhandkerchieftohereyes，andwentonagain——"thefriendwhohassobitterlydisappointedme，takingsatiricalnotesofwhatIsay。IamnotashamedofwhatIsay。Thevirtuewhichwillnotstretchalittle，wherethemotiveisgood，isfeeblevirtueindeed。Ishallstayinthehouse，andwitnesshorrors，andrisesuperiortothem。Good—morning，MissGracedieu。Good—morning，Elizabeth。"Sheperformedamagnificentcurtsey，and（asMrs。
　　Tenbruggen’sexperienceofthestageinformedme）madeaverycreditableexit。
　　Aweekhaspassed，andIhavenotopenedmyDiary。
　　Mydayshaveglidedawayinonedeliciousflowofhappiness。
　　Philiphasbeendelightfullydevotedtome。Hisferventcourtship，farexceedinganysimilarattentionswhichhemayoncehavepaidtoEunice，hasshownsuchvarietyandsuchsteadfastnessofworship，thatIdespairofdescribingit。Myenjoymentofmynewlifeistobefelt——nottobecoldlyconsidered，andreducedtoanimperfectstatementinwords。
　　ForthefirsttimeIfeelcapable，ifthecircumstancesencouragedme，ofactsofexaltedvirtue。Forinstance，Icouldsavemycountryifmycountrywasworthit。IcoulddieamartyrtoreligionifIhadareligion。Inoneword，Iamexceedinglywellsatisfiedwithmyself。Thelittledisappointmentsoflifepassovermeharmless。IdonotevenregretthefailureofgoodMrs。Tenbruggen’seffortstofindanemploymentforPhilip，worthyofhisabilitiesandaccomplishments。ThememberofParliamenttowhomshehadappliedhaschosenasecretarypossessedofpoliticalinfluence。ThatistheexcuseputforwardinhislettertoMrs。Tenbruggen。Wretchedcorruptcreature！IfhewasworthathoughtIshouldpityhim。HehaslostPhilip’sservices。
　　Threedaysmorehaveslippedby。Theaspectofmyheavenonearthisbeginningtoalter。
　　PerhapstheauthorofthatwonderfulFrenchnovel，"L’AmeDamne’e，"isrightwhenhetellsusthathumanhappinessismiseryinmasquerade。ItwouldbewrongtosaythatIammiserable。ButImaybeonthewaytoit；Iamanxious。
　　To—day，whenhedidnotknowthatIwasobservinghim，I
　　discoveredapreoccupiedlookinPhilip’seyes。HelaughedwhenI
　　askedifanythinghadhappenedtovexhim。Wasitanaturallaugh？Heputhisarmroundmeandkissedme。Wasitdonemechanically？IdaresayIamoutofhumormyself。IthinkIhadalittleheadache。Morbid，probably。Iwon’tthinkofitanymore。
　　Ithasoccurredtomethismorningthathemaydislikebeingleftbyhimself，whileIamengagedinmyhouseholdaffairs。Ifthisisthecase，intenselyasIhateher，utterlyasIloathetheideaofputtingherincommandovermydomesticdominions，I
　　shallaskMissJillgalltotakemyplaceashousekeeper。
　　Iwasawayto—dayinthekitchenregionsratherlongerthanusual。WhenIhaddonewithmyworries，Philipwasnottobefound。Maria，lookingoutofoneofthebedroomwindowsinsteadofdoingherwork，hadseenMr。Dunboyneleavethehouse。ItwaspossiblethathehadchargedMissJillgallwithamessageforme。
　　Iaskedifshewasinherroom。No；she，too，hadgoneout。Itwasafineday，andPhiliphadnodoubttakenastroll——buthemighthavewaitedtillIcouldjoinhim。Thereweresomeorderstobegiventothebutcherandthegreen—grocer。I，too，leftthehouse，hopingtogetridofsomelittlediscontent，causedbythinkingofwhathadhappened。ReturningbythewayofHighStreet——IdeclareIcanhardlybelieveitevennow——IdidpositivelyseeMissJillgallcomingoutofapawnbroker’sshop！
　　Thedirectioninwhichsheturnedpreventedherfromseeingme。
　　ShewasquiteunawarethatIhaddiscoveredher；andIhavesaidnothingaboutitsince。ButInoticedsomethingunusualinthemannerinwhichherwatch—chainwashanging，andIaskedherwhato’clockitwas。Shesaid，"Youhavegotyourownwatch。"Itoldhermywatchhadstopped。"Sohasmine，"shesaid。Thereisnodoubtaboutitnow；shehaspawnedherwatch。Whatfor？Shelivesherefornothing，andshehasnothadanewdresssinceIhaveknownher。Whydoesshewantmoney？
　　PhiliphadnotreturnedwhenIgothome。AnothermysteriousjourneytoLondon？No。Afteranabsenceofmorethantwohours，hecameback。
　　Naturallyenough，Iaskedwhathehadbeenabout。Hehadbeentakingalongwalk。Forhishealth’ssake？No：tothink。Tothinkofwhat？Well，Imightbesurprisedtohearit，buthisidlelifewasbeginningtoweighonhisspirits；hewantedemployment。Hadhethoughtofanemployment？Notyet。Whichwayhadhewalked？
　　Anyway：hehadnotnoticedwherehewent。Thesereplieswereallmadeinatonethatoffendedme。Besides，Iobservedtherewasnodustonhisboots（afteraweekofdryweather），andhiswalkoftwohoursdidnotappeartohaveheatedortiredhim。ItookanopportunityofconsultingMrs。Tenbruggen。
　　ShehadanticipatedthatIshouldappealtoheropinion，asawomanoftheworld。
　　Ishallnotsetdownindetailwhatshesaid。Someofithumiliatedme；andfromsomeofitIrecoiled。Theexpressionofheropinioncametothis。Intheabsenceofexperience，acertainfervoroftemperamentwasessentialtosuccessintheartoffascinatingmen。Eithermytemperamentwasdeficient，ormyintellectoverpoweredit。ItwasnaturalthatIshouldsupposemyselftobeassusceptibletothetenderpassionasthemostexcitablewomanliving。Delusion，myHelena，amiabledelusion！
　　HadIeverobservedorhadanyfriendtoldmethatmyprettyhandswerecoldhands？Ihadbeautifuleyes，expressiveofvivacity，ofintelligence，ofeveryfemininecharm，excepttheoneinvitingcharmthatfindsfavorintheeyesofaman。Shethenenteredintoparticulars，whichIdon’tdenyshowedatrueinterestinhelpingme。Iwasungrateful，sulky，self—opinionated。Datingfromthatday’stalkwithMrs。
　　Tenbruggen，mynewfriendshipbegantoshowsignsofhavingcaughtachill。
　　ButIdidmybesttofollowherinstructions——andfailed。
　　Itisperhapstruethatmytemperamentisoverpoweredbymyintellect。Oritispossiblytruerstillthatthefireinmyheart，whenitwarmstolove，isafirethatburnslow。MybeliefisthatIsurprisedPhilipinsteadofcharminghim。Herespondedtomyadvances，butIfeltthatitwasnotdoneinearnest，notspontaneously。HadIanyrighttocomplain？WasIinearnest？WasIspontaneous？Weweremakinglovetoeachotherunderfalsepretenses。Oh，whatafoolIwastoaskforMrs。Tenbruggen’sadvice！
　　Ahumiliatingdoubthascometomesuddenly。HashisheartbeenincliningtoEuniceagain？Aftersuchaletterasshehaswrittentohim？Impossible！
　　Threeeventssinceyesterday，whichIconsider，triflingastheymaybe，intimationsofsomethingwrong。
　　First，MissJillgall，whoatonetimewaseagertotakemyplace，hasrefusedtorelievemeofmyhousekeepingduties。Secondly，Philiphasbeenabsentagain，onanotherlongwalk。Thirdly，whenPhilipreturned，depressedandsulky，IcaughtMissJillgalllookingathimwithinterestandpityvisibleinherskinnyface。
　　Whatdothesethingsmean？
　　Iambeginningtodoubteverybody。Notoneofthem，Philipincluded，caresforme——butIcanfrightenthem，atanyrate。
　　Yesterdayevening，IdroppedonthefloorassuddenlyasifIhadbeenshot：afitofsomesort。Thedoctorhonestlydeclaredthathewasatalosstoaccountforit。Hewouldhavelaidmeunderaneternalobligationifhehadfailedtobringmebacktolifeagain。
　　Asitis，Iammorecleverthanthedoctor。Whatbroughtthefitoniswellknowntome。Rage——furious，overpowering，deadlyrage——wasthecause。Iamnowinthecold—bloodedstate，whichcanlookbackattheeventascomposedlyasifithadhappenedtosomeothergirl。Supposethatgirlhadlethersweetheartknowhowshelovedhimasshehadneverlethimknowitbefore。
　　Supposesheopenedthedooragaintheinstantaftershehadlefttheroom，eager，poorwretch，tosayoncemore，forthefiftiethtime，"Myangel，Iloveyou！"Supposeshefoundherangelstandingwithhisbacktowardher，sothathisfacewasreflectedintheglass。Andsupposeshediscoveredinthatface，sosmilingandsosweetwhenhisheadhadrestedonherbosomonlythemomentbefore，themosthideousexpressionofdisgustthatfeaturescanbetray。Therecouldbenodoubtofit；Ihadmademypoorofferingoflovetoamanwhosecretlyloathedme。IwonderthatIsurvivedmysenseofmyowndegradation。Well！Iamalive；