CHAPTERXLI
GRACECRAWLEYATHOME
OnthemorningafterhisreturnfromLondon，MrCrawleyshowedsymptomsofgreatfatigue，andhiswifeimploredhimtoremaininbed。Butthishewouldnotdo。Hewouldgetup，andgooutdowntothebrickfields。Hehasspeciallyboundhimself，hesaid，toseethatthedutiesoftheparishshouldnotsufferbybeingleftinhishands。Thebishophadendeavouredtoplacetheminotherhands，buthehadpersistedinretainingthem。Ashaddonesohecouldallownowearinessofhisowntointerfere——andespeciallynowearinessinducedbylaboursundertakenonhisownbehalf。Thedayintheweekhadcomeroundonwhichitwashiswonttovisitthebrickmakers，andhewouldvisitthem。SohedraggedhimselfoutofhisbedandwentforthamidstthecoldstormofaharshwetMarchmorning。Hiswifewellknewwhensheheardhisfirstwordonthatmorningthatoneofthoseterriblemoodshadcomeuponhimwhichmadeherdoubtwhethersheoughttoallowhimtogoanywherealone。
Latterlytherehadbeensomeimprovementinhismentalhealth。SincethedayofhisencounterwiththebishopandMrsProudie，thoughhehadbeenasstubbornasever，hehadbeenlessapparentlyunhappy，lessdepressedinspirits。AndthejourneytoLondonhaddonehimgood。Hiswifehadcongratulatedherselfonfindinghimabletosetabouthisworklikeanotherman，andhehimselfhadexperiencedarenewal，ifnotofhope，atanyrate，ofcourage，whichhadgivenhimacomfortwhichhehadrecognised。Hiscommon—sensehadnotbeenverystrikinginhisinterviewwithMrToogood，butyethehadtalkedmorerationallythenandhadgivenabetteraccountofthematterinhandthancouldhavebeenexpectedfromhimforsomeweekspreviously。Butnowthelabourwasover，areactionhadcomeuponhim，andhewentawayfromhishousehavinghardlyspokenawordtohiswifeafterthespeechwhichhemadeabouthisdutytohisparish。
Ithinkthatatthistimenobodysawclearlytheworkingofhismind——notevenhiswife，whostudieditveryclosely，whogavehimcreditforallhishighqualities，andwhohadgraduallylearnedtoacknowledgetoherselfthatshemustdistrusthisjudgmentinmanythings。Sheknewthathewasgood，andyetweak，thathewasafflictedbyfalseprideandsupportedbytruepride，thathisintellectwasstillverybright，yetsodismallyobscuredonmanysidesasalmosttojustifypeopleinsayingthathewasmad。Sheknewthathewasalmostasaint，andyetalmostacastawaythroughvanityandhatredofthoseabovehim。
Butshedidnotknowthatheknewallthisofhimselfalso。Shedidnotcomprehendthatheshouldbehourlytellinghimselfthatpeoplewerecallinghimmadandweresocallinghimwithtruth。Itdidnotoccurtoherthathecouldseeherinsightintohim。Shedoubtedastothewayinwhichhehadgotthecheque——neverimagining，however，thathehadwilfullystolenit——thinkingthathismindhadbeensomuchastrayastoadmitofhisfindingitandusingitwithoutwilfulguilt——thinkingalso，alas，thatamanwhocouldsoactwashardlyfitforsuchdutiesasthosewhichwereentrustedtohim。Butshedidnotdreamthatthiswaspreciselyhisownideaofhisownstateandofhisownposition；
——thathewasalwaysinquiringofhimselfwhetherhewasnotmad；
whether，ifmad，hewasnotboundtolaydownhisoffice；thathewasevertaxinghimselfwithimproperhostilitytothebishop——neverforgettingforamomenthiswrathagainstthebishopandthebishop’swife，stillcomfortinghimselftogotothepalaceandtherehumblytorelinquishhisclericalauthority。Suchacourseofactionhewasproposingtohimself，butnotwithanyrealisedideathathewouldsoact。Hewasasamanwhowalksalongariver’sbankthinkingofsuicide，calculatingnowbesthemightkillhimself——whethertheriverdoesnotofferanopportunitytoogoodtobeneglected，tellinghimselfthatthewaterispleasantandcool，andthathisearswouldsoonbedeaftotheharshnoisesoftheworld——butyetknowing，orthinkingthatheknows，thatheneverwillkillhimself。SoitwaswithMrCrawley。Thoughhisimaginationpicturedtohimselfthewholescene——howhewouldhumblehimselftothegroundasheacknowledgedhisunfitness，howhewouldendurethesmall—voicedtriumphofthelittlebishop，how，fromtheabjectnessofhisownhumility，evenfromthegroundonwhichhewouldbecrouching，hewouldrebuketheloud—mouthedtriumphofthebishop’swife；thoughtherewasnotouchwantingtothepicturewhichhethusdrew——hedidnotreallyproposetohimselftocommitthisprofessionalsuicide。Hiswife，too，hadconsideredwhetheritmightbeintruthbecomingthatheshouldgiveuphisclericalduties，atanyrateforawhile；butshehadneverthoughtthattheideawaspresenttohismindalso。
MrToogoodhadtoldhimthatpeoplewouldsaythathewasmad；andMrToogoodhadlookedathim，whenhedeclaredforthesecondtimethathehadnoknowledgewhencethechequehadcometohim，asthoughhiswordsweretoberegardedasthewordsofsomesickchild；’Mad！’hesaidtohimself，ashewalkedhomefromthestationthatnight。’Well；yes；andwhatifIammad？WhenIthinkofallthatIhaveenduredmywonderisthatIshouldnothavebeenmadsooner。’Andthenheprayed——yes，prayed，thatinhismadnesstheDevilmightnotbetoostrongforhim，andthathemightbepreservedfromsometerriblesinofmurderorviolence。What，iftheideashouldcometohiminhismadnessthatitwouldbewellforhimtoslayhiswifeandhischildren？Onlythatwaswantingtomakehimofallmenthemostunfortunate。
Hewentdownamongthebrickmakersonthefollowingmorning，leavingthehousealmostwithoutamorseloffood，andheremainedatHoggleEndforthegreaterpartoftheday。Thereweresickpersonstherewithwhomheprayed，andthenhesattalkingwithroughmenwhiletheyatetheirdinners，andhereadpassagesfromtheBibletowomenwhiletheywashedtheirhusband’sclothes。Andforawhilehesatwithalittlegirlinhislapteachingthechildheralphabet。Ifitwerepossibleforhimhewoulddohisduty。Hewouldsparehimselfinnothing，thoughhemightsuffereventofainting。Andonthisoccasionhedidsuffer——almosttofainting，forashereturnedhomeintheafternoonhewasforcedtoleanfromtimetotimeagainstthebanksontheroad—side，whilethecoldsweatofweaknesstrickleddownhisface，inorderthathemightrecoverstrengthtogoonafewyards。Buthewouldpersevere。IfGodwouldbutleavetohimmindenoughforhiswork，hewouldgoon。Nopersonalsufferingshoulddeterhim。Hetoldhimselfthattherehadbeenmenintheworldwhosesufferingsweresharpereventhanhisown。Ofwhatsorthadbeenthelifeofthemanwhohadstoodforyearsatthetopofapillar？Butthenthemanonthepillarhadbeenhonouredbyallaroundhim。Andthus，thoughhehadthoughtofthemanonthepillartoencouragehimselfberememberinghowlamentablehadbeenthatman’ssufferings，hecametoreflectthatafterallhisownsufferingswereperhapskeenerthanthoseofthemanonthepillar。
Whenhereachedhome，hewasveryill。Therewasnodoubtaboutitthen。Hestaggeredtohisarm—chair，andstaredathiswifefirst，andthensmiledatherwithhisghastlysmile。Hetrembledallover，andwhenfoodwasbroughttohimhecouldnoteatit。Earlyonthenextmorningthedoctorwasbyhisbedside，andbeforethateveningcamehewasdelirious。Hehadbeenatintervalsinthisstatefornearlytwodays，whenMrsCrawleywrotetoGrace，andthoughshehadrestrainedherselftellingeverything，shehadwrittenwithsufficientstrengthtobringGraceatoncetoherfather’sbedside。
HewasnotsoillwhenGracearrivedhomebutthatheknewher，andheseemedtoreceivedsomecomfortfromhercoming。BeforeshehadbeeninthehouseanhourshewasreadingGreektohim，andtherewasnowanderinginhismindastothedueemphasistobegiventotheplaintsoftheinjuredheroines，orastothepropermeaningofthechoruses。
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