Well，whateverthepintmightbe，thisDeuceacesawprettyclearthathe’dbeenbeatbyhisfatherathisowngame——atrappsetforhimonst，whichhadbeendefittedbymypresntsofmind——anothertrapsetafterwids，inwhichmylordhadbeensuxesfle。Now，mylord，roagashewas，wasmuchtoogood—naturedtodoanunkindackshn，mearlyforthesakeofdoingit。He’dgottothatpichthathedidn’tmindinjaries——theywereallfairplaytohim——hegave’em，andreseav’dthem，withoutathoughtofmallis。Ifhewantedtoinjerhisson，itwastobenefickhimself。Andhowwasthistohedone？Bygettingthehairisstohimself，tobesure。
TheHonrabbleMr。D。didn’tsayso;butIknewhisfeelinxwellenough——heregrettedthathehadnotgiventheoldgenlmnthemoneyheasktfor。
Poarfello！hethoughthehadhitit;buthewaswideofthemarkafterall。
Well，butwhatwastobedone？Itwasclearthathemustmarrythegalatanyrate——cootkycoot，astheFrenchsay：thatis，marryher，andhangtheigspence。
Todosohemustfirstgitoutofprisn——togetoutofprisnhemustpayhisdebts——andtopayhisdebts，hemustgiveeveryshillinghewasworth。Nevermind：fourthousandpoundisasmallstaketoareglargambler，igspeciallywhenhemustplayit，orrotforlifeinprisn;andwhen，ifheplaysitwell，itwillgivehimtenthousandayear。
So，seeingtherewasnohelpforit，hemaiduphismind，andaccordinglywrotethefollyinglettertoMissGriffin：——
"MYADOREDMATILDA，——Yourletterhasindeedbeenacomforttoapoorfellow，whohadhopedthatthisnightwouldhavebeenthemostblessedinhislife，andnowfindshimselfcondemnedtospenditwithinaprisonwall！Youknowtheaccursedconspiracywhichhasbroughttheseliabilitiesuponme，andthefoolishfriendshipwhichhascostmesomuch。Butwhatmatters！Wehave，asyousay，enough，eventhoughImustpaythisshamefuldemanduponme;andfivethousandpoundsareasnothing，comparedtothehappinesswhichIloseinbeingseparatedanightfromthee！Courage，however！IfImakeasacrificeitisforyou;andIwereheartlessindeedifIallowedmyownlossestobalanceforamomentagainstyourhappiness。
"Isitnotso，belovedone？ISnotyourhappinessboundupwithmine，inaunionwithme？Iamproudtothinkso——proud，too，tooffersuchahumbleproofasthisofthedepthandpurityofmyaffection。
"Tellmethatyouwillstillbemine;tellmethatyouwillbeminetomorrow;andto—morrowthesevilechainsshallberemoved，andI
willbefreeoncemore——orifbound，onlyboundtoyou！MyadorableMatilda！mybetrothedbride！Writetomeeretheeveningcloses，forIshallneverbeabletoshutmyeyesinslumberuponmyprisoncouch，untiltheyhavebeenfirstblessedbythesightofafewwordsfromthee！Writetome，love！writetome！Ilanguishforthereplywhichistomakeormarmeforever。Youraffectionate"A。P。D。"
Havingpolishtoffthisepistol，masterintrustidittometocarry，andbademeatthesametimetotryandgiveitintoMissGriffin’shandalone。IranwithittoLadyGriffinses。IfoundMiss，asIdesired，inasollatarycondition;andIpresentedherwithmaster’spafewmedBilly。
Shereadit，andthenumberofsizetowhichshegavevint，andthetearswhichsheshed，beggardigscription。ShewepandsigheduntilIthoughtshewouldbust。Sheevenclasptmyhandinher’s，andsaid，"OCharles！ishevery，verymiserable？"
"Heis，ma’am，"saysI;"verymiserableindeed——nobody，uponmyhonor，couldbemiserablerer。"
Onhearingthispetheticremark，hermindwasmadeupatonst：andsittingdowntohereskrewtaw，sheimmediantlyableagedmasterwithananswer。Hereitisinblackandwhite：
"Myprisonedbirdshallpinenomore，butflyhometoitsnestinthesearms！AdoredAlgernon，Iwillmeettheeto—morrow，atthesameplace，atthesamehour。Then，then，itwillbeimpossibleforaughtbutdeathtodivideus。
"M。G。"
Thiskindofflumrystylecomes，yousee，ofreadingnovvles，andcultivatinglitterypurshuitsinasmallway。Howmuchbetterisittobepufficklyignorantofthehartofwriting，andtotrusttothewritingoftheheart。ThisisMYstyle：artyfizIdespise，andtrustcompleatlytonatur：butrevnonganomootong，asourcontinentialfriendsremark：tothatnicewhitesheep，AlgernonPercyDeuceace，Exquire;thatwenrabbleoldram，myLordCrabshisfather;andthattenderanddellygityounglamb，MissMatildaGriffin。
Shehadjustfoaldedupintoitspropertriangularshapethenoattranscribedabuff，andIwasjustonthepointofsaying，accordingtomymaster’sorders，"Miss，ifyouplease，theHonrabbleMr。
Deuceacewouldbeverymuchableagedtoyoutokeeptheseminarywhichistotakeplaceto—morrowaprofoundse——，"whenmymaster’sfatherentered，andIfellbacktothedoor。Miss，withoutaword，rushtintohisarms，burstintoteersagin，aswasherreglarway（itmustbeconfestshewasofaverymistconstitution），andshowingtohimhisson’snote，cried，"Look，mydearlord，hownoblyyourAlgernon，OURAlgernon，writestome。Whocandoubt，afterthis，ofthepurityofhismatchlessaffection？"
Mylordtooktheletter，readit，seamedagooddealamyoused，andreturningittoitsowner，said，verymuchtomysurprise，"MydearMissGriffin，hecertainlydoesseeminearnest;andifyouchoosetomakethismatchwithouttheconsentofyourmother—in—law，youknowtheconsequence，andareofcourseyourownmistress。"
"Consequences！——forshame，mylord！Alittlemoney，moreorless，whatmattersittotwoheartslikeours？"
"Heartsareveryprettythings，mysweetyounglady，butThree—per—
Centsarebetter。"
"Nay，havewenotanampleincomeofourown，withouttheaidofLadyGriffin？"
Mylordshruggedhisshoulders。"Beitso，mylove，"sayshe。
"I’msureIcanhavenootherreasontopreventaunionwhichisfoundeduponsuchdisinterestedaffection。"
Andheretheconversationdropt。Missretired，claspingherhands，andmakingplaywiththewhitesofheri’s。Mylordbegantrottingupanddowntheroom，withhisfathandsstuckinhisbritchispockits，hiscountnincelightedupwithigstreamjoy，andsinging，tomyinordnitigstonishment：
"Seetheconqueringherocomes！
Tiddydiddydoll——tiddydoll，doll，doll。"
Hebegansingingthissong，andtearingupanddowntheroomlikemad。Istoodamazd——anewlightbrokeinuponme。Hewasn’tgoing，then，tomakelovetoMissGriffin！Mastermightmarryher！
Hadshenotgotthefor——？
Isay，Iwasjuststandingstockstill，myeyesfixt，myhandspuppindicklar，mymoufwideopenandtheseigstrordinarythoughtspassinginmymind，whenmylordhavinggottothelast"doll"ofhissong，justasIcametothesillible"for"ofmyventriloquism，orinwardspeech——wehadeatchjestreachedthepintdigscribed，whenthemeditationsofbothweresudnlystopt，bymylord，inthemidstofhissinginandtrottinmatch，comingboltupaginstpoarme，sendingmeupaginstoneendoftheroom，himselfflyingbacktotheother：anditwasonlyafterconsidrabbleagitationthatwewereatlengthrestoredtoanythinglikealiquilibrium。
"What，YOUhere，youinfernalrascal？"saysmylord。
"Yourlordship’sverykindtonotusme，"saysI;"Iamhere。"AndIgavehimalook。
HesawIknewthewholegame。
Andafterwhislingabit，aswashishabitwhenpuzzled（Ibleavehe’dhaveonlywhisledifhehadbeentoldhewastobehangedinfiveminits），afterwhislingabit，hestopssudnly，andcominguptome，says：
"Hearkye，Charles，thismarriagemusttakeplaceto—morrow。"
"Mustit，sir？"saysI;"now，formypart，Idon’tthink——"
"Stop，mygoodfellow;ifitdoesnottakeplace，whatdoyougain？"
Thisstagger’dme。Ifitdidn’ttakeplace，Ionlylostasituation，formasterhadbutjustenoughmoneytopayhisdetts;
anditwoodensootmybooktoservehiminprisnorstarving。
"Well，"saysmylord，"youseetheforceofmyargument。Now，lookhere！"andhelugsoutacrisp，fluttering，snowyHUNDRED—PUNNOTE！
"IfmysonandMissGriffinaremarriedto—morrow，youshallhavethis;andIwill，moreover，takeyouintomyservice，andgiveyoudoubleyourpresentwages。"
Fleshandbloodcoodenbearit。"Mylord，"saysI，layingmyhanduponmybusm，"onlygivemesecurity，andI’myoursforever。"
Theoldnoblemingrin’d，andpattidmeontheshoulder。"Right，mylad，"sayshe，"right——you’reanicepromisingyouth。Hereisthebestsecurity。"Andhepullsouthispockit—book，returnsthehundred—punbill，andtakesoutoneforfifty。"Hereishalfto—
day;to—morrowyoushallhavetheremainder。"
MyfingerstrembledalittleasItooktheprettyflutteringbitofpaper，aboutfivetimesasbigasanysumofmoneyIhadeverhadinmylife。Icastmyiupontheamount：itwasafiftysureenough——abankposs—bill，madepayabletoLeonoraEmiliaGriffin，andindorsedbyher。Thecatwasoutofthebag。Now，gentlereader，Isposeyoubegintoseethegame。
"Recollect，fromthisdayyouareinmyservice。"
"Mylord，youoverpoarmewithyourfaviors。"
"Gotothedevil，sir，"sayshe："doyourduty，andholdyourtongue。"
AndthusIwentfromtheserviceoftheHonorabbleAlgernonDeuceacetothatofhisexlnsytheRightHonorabbleEarlofCrabs……
Ongoingbacktoprisn，IfoundDeuceacelockedupinthatoajusplacetowhichhisigstravygansieshaddeservedlyledhim;andfeltforhim，Imustsay，agreatdealofcontemp。Arasklesuchashe——
aswindler，whohadrobbedpoarDawkinsofthemeansofigsistance;
whohadcheatedhisfellow—roag，Mr。RichardBlewitt，andwhowasmakingamusnarymarridgewithadisgustingcreacherlikeMissGriffin，didnmeritanycompashnonmypurt;andIdeterminedquitetokeepsecretthesuckmstansiesofmyprivitintervewwithhisexlnsymypresntmaster。
IgevhimMissGriffinsestrianglar，whichhereadwithasatasfiedair。Then，turningtome，sayshe："YougavethistoMissGriffinalone？"
"Yes，sir。"
"Yougavehermymessage？"
"Yes，sir。"
"AndyouarequitesureLordCrabswasnottherewhenyougaveeitherthemessageorthenote？"
"Notthereuponmyhonor，"saysI。
"Hangyourhonor，sir！Brushmyhatandcoat，andgoCALLACOACH——
doyouhear？"……
IdidasIwasordered;andoncomingbackfoundmasterinwhat’scalled，Ithink，thegreffeoftheprisn。Theofficerinwaitinghadoutagreatregister，andwastalkingtomasterintheFrenchtongue，incoarse;anumberofpoarprisnerswerelookingeagerlyon。
"Letussee，mylor，"sayshe;"thedebtis98，700francs;therearecaptureexpenses，interestsomuch;andthewholesumamountstoahundredthousandfrancs，moins13。"
Deuceace，inaverymyjesticway，takesoutofhispocketbookfourthowsndpunnotes。"ThisisnotFrenchmoney，butIpresumethatyouknowit，M。Greffier，"sayshe。
ThegreffierturnedroundtooldSolomon，amoney—changer，whohadoneortwoclientsintheprisn，andhapndluckilytobethere。
"Lesbilletssontbons，"sayshe。"Jelesprendraipourcentmilledouzecentfrancs，etj’espere，mylor，devousrevoir。"
"Good，"saysthegreffier;"Iknowthemtobegood，andIwillgivemylorthedifference，andmakeouthisrelease。"
Whichwasdone。Thepoardebtorsgaveafeeblecheer，asthegreatdubbleirongatesswungopenandclangtoagain，andDeuceacesteptoutandmeafterhim，tobreathethefreshhair。
Hehadbeenintheplacebutsixhours，andwasnowfreeagain——
free，andtobemarriedtotenthousandayearnexday。But，forallthat，helooktveryfaintandpale。HeHADputdownhisgreatstake;andwhenhecameoutofSaintePelagie，hehadbutfiftypoundsleftintheworld！
Nevermind——whenonstthemoney’sdown，makeyourmindeasy;andsoDeuceacedid。HedrovebacktotheHotelMirabew，whereheorderedapartminceinfinatelymoresplendidthanbefor;andIprettysoontoldToinette，andtherestofthesuvvants，hownoblyhebehayved，andhowhevalyoudfourthousndpoundnomorethanditchwater。
Andsuchwastheconsquinciesofmypraises，andthepoplarityI
gotforusboath，thatthedelightedlandladyimmediantlychargedhimdubblewhatshewouldhavedone，ifithadnbeenformystoaries。
Heorderedsplendidapartmince，then，forthenexweek;acarridge—
and—fourforFontainebleauto—morrowat12precisely;andhavingsettledallthesethings，wentquietlytothe"RoshydeCancale，"
wherehedined：aswellhemight，foritwasnoweighto’clock。I
didn’tsparetheshompangneitherthatnight，Icantellyou;forwhenIcarriedthenotehegavemeforMissGriffinintheevening，informingherofhisfreedom，thatyoungladyremarkedmyhagitatedmannerofwalkingandspeaking，andsaid，"HonestCharles！heisflushtwiththeeventsoftheday。Here，Charles，isanapoleon;
takeitanddrinktoyourmistress。"
Ipockitidit;but，Imustsay，Ididn’tlikethemoney——itwentagainstmystomicktotakeit。
CHAPTERIX。
THEMARRIAGE。
Well，thenexdaycame：at12thecarridge—and—fourwaswaitingattheambasdor’sdoar;andMissGriffinandthefaithfleKickseywerepunctialtotheapintment。
Idon’twishtodigscribethemarridgeseminary——howtheembasychaplingjinedthehandsofthislovingyoungcouple——howoneoftheembasyfootminwascalledintowitnessthemarridge——howMisswepandfaintedasusial——andhowDeuceacecarriedher，fainting，tothebrisky，anddroveofftoFontingblo，wheretheyweretopassthefustweakofthehoney—moon。Theytooknoservnts，becausetheywisht，theysaid，tobeprivit。Andso，whenIhadshutupthesteps，andbidthepostiliondriveon，IbidajewtotheHonrabbleAlgernon，andwentoffstraittohisexlentfather。
"Isitallover，Chawls？"saidhe。
"Isawthemturnedoffatigsactlyaquarterpast12，mylord，"
saysI。
"DidyougiveMissGriffinthepaper，asItoldyou，beforehermarriage？"
"Idid，mylord，inthepresentsofMr。Brown，LordBobtail’sman;
whocansweartoherhavinghadit。"
ImusttellyouthatmylordhadmademereadapaperwhichLadyGriffinhadwritten，andwhichIwascomishndtogiveinthemannermenshndabuff。Itrantothiseffect：——
"Accordingtotheauthoritygivenmebythewillofmylatedearhusband，IforbidthemarriageofMissGriffinwiththeHonorableAlgernonPercyDeuceace。IfMissGriffinpersistsintheunion，I
warnherthatshemustabidebytheconsequencesofheract。
"LEONORAEMILIAGRIFFIN。"
"RUEDERIVOLI，May8，1818。"
WhenIgavethistoMissassheenteredthecortyard，aminnitbeforemymaster’sarrivle，sheonlyreaditcontemptiously，andsaid，"IlaughatthethreatsofLadyGriffin;"andshetoarthepaperintwo，andwalkedon，leaningonthearmofthefaithfulandobleagingMissKicksey。
Ipickedupthepaperforfearofaxdents，andbrotittomylord。
Notthattherewasanynecessaty;forhe’dkepacopy，andmademeandanotherwitniss（myLadyGriffin’ssolissator）readthemboth，beforehesenteitheraway。
"Good！"sayshe;andheprojuicedfromhispotfoliothefelloofthatbewchusfifty—punnote，whichhe’dgivenmeyesterday。"I
keepmypromise，yousee，Charles，"sayshe。"YouarenowinLadyGriffin’sservice，intheplaceofMr。Fitzclarence，whoretires。
GotoFroje’s，andgetalivery。"
"But，mylord，"saysI，"IwasnottogointoLadyGriffnsesservice，accordingtothebargain，butinto——"
"It’sallthesamething，"sayshe;andhewalkedoff。IwenttoMr。Froje’s，andorderedanewlivry;andfound，likwise，thatourcoachminandMunseerMortimerhadbeentheretoo。Mylady’sliverywaschanged，andwasnowofthesamecolorasmyoldcoatatMr。
Deuceace’s;andI’mblestiftherewasn’tatremenjiousgreatearl’scorronitonthebutins，instidoftheGriffinrampint，whichwaswornbefoar。
Iaskednoquestions，however，buthadmyselfmeasured;andslepthatnightatthePlasVandome。Ididn’tgooutwiththecarridgeforadayortwo，though;myladyonlytakingonefootmin，shesaid，untilHERNEWCARRIDGEwasturnedout。
Ithinkyoucanguesswhat’sinthewindNOW！
Ibotmyselfadressing—case，aboxofOdycolong，afewduzenlawnshertsandneckcloths，andotherthingswhichwerenecessaryforagenlmninmyrank。Silkstockingswasprovidedbytherulesofthehouse。AndIcompletedthebisnissbywritingthefollyingginteellettertomylatemaster：——
"CHARLESYELLOWPLUSH，ESQUIRE，TOTHEHONORABLEA。P。DEUCEACE。
"SUR，——SuckmstansieshaveacurdsinsIlasthadthehonnerofwatingonyou，whichrenderitimpossbilthatIshouldremaneanylongerinyoursuvvice。I’llthankyoutoleaveoutmythinx，whentheycomehomeonSattadyfromthewash。
"Yourobeajntservnt，"CHARLESYELLOWPLUSH。"
"PLASVENDOME。"
Theathographyoftheabuvnoat，Iconfess，isatrocious;butkevoolyvoo？Iwasonlyeighteen，andhadnthentheexpearanceinwritingwhichI’veenjidesins。
Havingthusdonemyjewtyinevryway，Ishallprosead，inthenexchapter，tosaywhathapndinmynewplace。
CHAPTERX。
THEHONEY—MOON。
TheweakatFontingblowpastquicklyaway;andattheendofit，oursonanddaughter—in—law——apareofniceyoungtuttle—duvs——
returnedtotheirnest，attheHotelMirabew。IsuspeckthattheCOCKturtle—dovewaspreshossickofhisbarging。
Whentheyarriv’d，thefustthingtheyfoundontheirtablewasalargeparslewraptupinsilverpaper，andanewspaper，andacoupleofcards，tiedupwithapeaceofwhiteribbing。Intheparslewasahansumepieceofplum—cake，withadealofsugar。Onthecardswaswrote，inGoffickcharacters，EarlofCrabs。
And，inverysmallItalian，CountessofCrabs。
Andinthepaperwasthefollowingparrowgraff：——
"MARRIAGEINHIGHLIFE。——Yesterday，attheBritishembassy，theRightHonorableJohnAugustusAltamontPlantagenet，EarlofCrabs，toLeonoraEmilia，widowofthelateLieutenant—GeneralSirGeorgeGriffin，K。C。B。AnelegantdejeunewasgiventothehappycouplebyhisExcellencyLordBobtail，whogaveawaythebride。Theeliteoftheforeigndiplomacy，thePrinceTalleyrandandMarshaltheDukeofDalmatiaonbehalfofH。M。theKingofFrance，honoredthebanquetandthemarriageceremony。LordandLadyCrabsintendpassingafewweeksatSaintCloud。"
Theabovedockyments，alongwithmyowntrifflingbilly，ofwhichI
havealsogivnacopy，greatedMr。andMrs。DeuceaceontheirarrivlefromFontingblo。Notbeingpresent，Ican’tsaywhatDeuceacesaid;butIcanfancyhowheLOOKT，andhowpoorMrs。
Deuceacelookt。Theyweren’tmuchinclinedtorestafterthefiteegofthejunny;for，in1/2anhouraftertheirarrivalatParis，thehosseswereputtothecarridgeagen，anddowntheycamethunderingtoourcountry—houseatSt。Cloud（pronounstbythoseabsudFrenchminSingKloo），tointerrupourchastelovesanddelishsmarridgeinjyments。
Mylordwassittninacrimsonsatandressing—gown，lollingonasofaatanopenwindy，smoakingseagars，asushle;herladyship，who，toduherjustice，didnmindthesmell，occupiedanotherendoftheroom，andwasworking，inwusted，apareofslippers，oranumbrellorecase，oracoal—skittle，orsomesuchnonsints。Youwouldhavethoughttohavesean’emthattheyhadbeenmarriedasentry，atleast。Well，Ibustinuponthisconjugaltator—tator，andsaid，verymuchalarmed，"Mylord，here’syoursonanddaughter—in—law。"
"Well，"saysmylord，quitecalm，"andwhatthen？"
"Mr。Deuceace！"saysmylady，startingup，andlookingfritened。
"Yes，mylove，myson;butyouneednotbealarmed。Pray，Charles，saythatLadyCrabsandIwillbeveryhappytoseeMr。andMrs。
Deuceace;andthattheymustexcuseusreceivingthemenfamille。
Sitstill，myblessing——takethingscoolly。Haveyougottheboxwiththepapers？"
Myladypointedtoagreatgreenbox——thesamefromwhichshehadtakenthepapers，whenDeuceacefustsawthem，——andhandedovertomylordafinegoldkey。Iwentout，metDeuceaceandhiswifeonthestepps，gavemymessinge，andbowedthempalitelyin。
Mylorddidn’trise，butsmoakedawayasusual（prapsalittlequicker，butIcan’tsay）;myladysatupright，lookinghandsumandstrong。Deuceacewalkedin，hisleftarmtiedtohisbreast，hiswifeandhatontheother。Helookedverypaleandfrightened;hiswife，poarthing！hadherheadberriedinherhandkerchief，andsobdfittobreakherheart。
MissKicksey，whowasintheroom（butIdidn’tmentionher，shewaslessthannothinkinourhouse），wentuptoMrs。Deuceaceatonst，andheldoutherarms——shehadaheart，thatoldKicksey，andIrespectherforit。ThepoorhunchbackflungherselfintoMiss’sarms，withakindofwhoopingscreech，andkepthereforsometime，sobbinginquiteahistoricalmanner。Isawtherewasgoingtobeasean，andso，incors，leftthedoorajar。
"WelcometoSaintCloud，Algymyboy！"saysmylord，inaloud，heartyvoice。"Youthoughtyouwouldgiveustheslip，eh，yourogue？Butweknewit，mydearfellow：weknewthewholeaffair——
didwenot，mysoul？——andyousee，keptoursecretbetterthanyoudidyours。"
"Imustconfess，sir，"saysDeuceace，bowing，"thatIhadnoideaofthehappinesswhichawaitedmeintheshapeofamother—in—law。"
"No，youdog;no，no，"saysmylord，giggling："oldbirds，youknow，nottobecaughtwithchaff，likeyoungones。Buthereweare，allsplicedandhappy，atlast。Sitdown，Algernon;letussmokeasegar，andtalkovertheperilsandadventuresofthelastmonth。Mylove，"saysmylord，turningtohislady，youhavenomaliceagainstpoorAlgernon，Itrust？PrayshakeHISHAND。"（A
grin。）
Butmyladyroseandsaid，"IhavetoldMr。Deuceace，thatIneverwishedtoseehim，orspeaktohim，more。Iseenoreason，now，tochangemyopinion。"Andherewithshesailedoutoftheroom，bythedoorthroughwhichKickseyhadcarriedpoorMrs。Deuceace。
"Well，well，"saysmylord，asLadyCrabssweptby，"Iwasinhopesshehadforgivenyou;butIknowthewholestory，andImustconfessyouusedhercruellyill。Twostringstoyourbow！——thatwasyourgame，wasit，yourogue？"
"Doyoumean，mylord，thatyouknowallthatpastbetweenmeandLadyGrif——LadyCrabs，beforeourquarrel？"
"Perfectly——youmadelovetoher，andshewasalmostinlovewithyou;youjiltedherformoney，shegotamantoshootyourhandoffinrevenge：nomoredice—boxes，now，Deuceace;nomoresauterlacoupe。Ican’tthinkhowthedeuceyouwillmanagetolivewithoutthem。"
"Yourlordshipisverykind;butIhavegivenupplayaltogether，"
saysDeuceace，lookingmightyblackanduneasy。
"Oh，indeed！Benedickhasturnedamoralman，hashe？Thisisbetterandbetter。Areyouthinkingofgoingintothechurch，Deuceace？"
"Mylord，mayIaskyoutobealittlemoreserious？"
"Serious！aquoibon？Iamserious——seriousinmysurprisethat，whenyoumighthavehadeitherofthesewomen，youshouldhavepreferredthathideouswifeofyours。"
"MayIaskyou，inturn，howyoucametobesolittlesqueamishaboutawife，astochooseawomanwhohadjustbeenmakinglovetoyourownson？"saysDeuceace，growingfierce。
"Howcanyouasksuchaquestion？Iowefortythousandpounds——
thereisanexecutionatSizesHall——everyacreIhaveisinthehandsofmycreditors;andthat’swhyImarriedher。Doyouthinktherewasanylove？LadyCrabsisadev’lishfinewoman，butshe’snotafool——shemarriedmeformycoronet，andImarriedherforhermoney。"
"Well，mylord，youneednotaskme，Ithink，whyImarriedthedaughter—in—law。"
"Yes，butIDO，mydearboy。Howthedeuceareyoutolive？
Dawkins’sfivethousandpoundswon’tlastforever;andafterwards？"
"Youdon’tmean，mylord——youdon’t——Imean，youcan’t——D———！"
sayshe，startingup，andlosingallpatience，"youdon’tdaretosaythatMissGriffinhadnotafortuneoftenthousandayear？"
Mylordwasrollingup，andwettingbetwigsthislips，anothersegar;helooktup，afterhehadlightedit，andsaidquietly——
"Certainly，MissGriffinhadafortuneoftenthousandayear。"
"Well，sir，andhasshenotgotitnow？Hasshespentitinaweek？"
"SHEHASNOTGOTASIX—PENCENOW：SHEMARRIEDWITHOUTHERMOTHER’S
CONSENT！"
Deuceacesunkdowninachair;andIneverseesuchadreadfulpictureofdespairastherewasinthefaceofthatretchidman！——
hewrithed，andnashthisteeth，hetoreopenhiscoat，andwriggledmadlythestumpofhislefthand，until，fairlybeat，hethrewitoverhislividpaleface，andsinkingbackwards，fairlyweptalowd。
Bah！it’sadreddflethingtohearamancrying！hispashntornupfromtheveryrootsofhisheart，asitmustbebeforeitcangitsuchavent。Mylord，meanwhile，rolledhissegar，lightedit，andwenton。
"Mydearboy，thegirlhasnotashilling。Iwishedtohaveleftyoualoneinpeace，withyourfourthousandpounds：youmighthaveliveddecentlyuponitinGermany，wheremoneyisat5percent，whereyourdunswouldnotfindyou，andacoupleofhundredayearwouldhavekeptyouandyourwifeincomfort。But，yousee，LadyCrabswouldnotlistentoit。Youhadinjuredher;and，aftershehadtriedtokillyouandfailed，shedeterminedtoruinyou，andsucceeded。ImustowntoyouthatIdirectedthearrestingbusiness，andputheruptobuyingyourprotestedbills：shegotthemforatrifle，andasyouhavepaidthem，hasmadeagoodtwothousandpoundsbyherbargain。Itwasapainfulthingtobesure，forafathertogethissonarrested;butquevoulez—vous！Ididnotappearinthetransaction：shewouldhaveyouruined;anditwasabsolutelynecessarythatYOUshouldmarrybeforeIcould，soI
pleadedyourcausewithMissGriffin，andmadeyouthehappymanyouare。Yourogue，yourogue！youthoughttomatchyouroldfather，didyou？But，nevermind;lunchwillbereadysoon。Inthemeantime，haveasegar，anddrinkaglassofSauterne。"
Deuceace，whohadbeenlisteningtothisspeech，sprungupwildly。
"I’llnotbelieveit，"hesaid："it’salie，aninfernallie！
forgedbyyou，youhoaryvillain，andbythemurderessandstrumpetyouhavemarried。I’llnotbelieveit;showmethewill。Matilda！
Matilda！"shoutedhe，screaminghoarsely，andflingingopenthedoorbywhichshehadgoneout。
"Keepyourtemper，myboy。YouAREvexed，andIfeelforyou：butdon’tusesuchbadlanguage：itisquiteneedless，believeme。"
"Matilda！"shoutedoutDeuceaceagain;andthepoorcrookedthingcametremblingin，followedbyMissKicksey。
"Isthistrue，woman？"sayshe，clutchingholdofherhand。
"What，dearAlgernon？"saysshe。
"What？"screamsoutDeuceace，——"what？Whythatyouareabeggar，formarryingwithoutyourmother’sconsent——thatyoubaselyliedtome，inordertobringaboutthismatch——thatyouareaswindler，inconspiracywiththatoldfiendyonderandtheshe—devilhiswife？"
"Itistrue，"sobbedthepoorwoman，"thatIhavenothing;but——"
"Nothingbutwhat？Whydon’tyouspeak，youdrivellingfool？"
"Ihavenothing！——butyou，dearest，havetwothousandayear。Isthatnotenoughforus？Youlovemeformyself，don’tyou，Algernon？Youhavetoldmesoathousandtimes——saysoagain，dearhusband;anddonot，donotbesounkind。"Andhereshesankonherknees，andclungtohim，andtriedtocatchhishand，andkissit。
"Howmuchdidyousay？"saysmylord。
"Twothousandayear，sir;hehastoldussoathousandtimes。"
"TWOTHOUSAND！Twothou——ho，ho，ho！——haw！haw！haw！"roarsmylord。"Thatis，Ivow，thebestthingIeverheardinmylife。Mydearcreature，hehasnotashilling——notasinglemaravedi，byallthegodsandgoddesses。"Andthisexlntnobleminbeganlaffinlouderthanever：averykindandfeelinggenlmnhewas，asallmustconfess。
Therewasapaws：andMrs。Deuceacedidnbegincussingandswearingatherhusbandashehaddoneather：sheonlysaid，"OAlgernon！
isthistrue？"andgotup，andwenttoachairandwepinquiet。
Mylordopenedthegreatbox。"IfyouoryourlawyerswouldliketoexamineSirGeorge’swill，itisquiteatyourservice;youwillseeheretheprovisowhichImentioned，thatgivestheentirefortunetoLadyGriffin——LadyCrabsthatis：andhere，mydearboy，youseethedangerofhastyconclusions。HerladyshiponlyshowedyoutheFIRSTPAGEOFTHEWILL，ofcourse;shewantedtotryyou。
YouthoughtyoumadeagreatstrokeinatonceproposingtoMissGriffin——donotmindit，mylove，hereallylovesyounowverysincerely！——when，infact，youwouldhavedonemuchbettertohavereadtherestofthewill。Youwerecompletelybitten，myboy——
humbugged，bamboozled——ay，andbyyouroldfather，youdog。ItoldyouIwould，youknow，whenyourefusedtolendmeaportionofyourDawkinsmoney。ItoldyouIwould;andIDID。Ihadyoutheverynextday。Letthisbealessontoyou，Percymyboy;don’ttryyourluckagainagainstsucholdhands：lookdeucedwellbeforeyouleap：audialterampartem，mylad，whichmeans，readbothsidesofthewill。Ithinklunchisready;butIseeyoudon’tsmoke。
Shallwegoin？"
"Stop，mylord，"saysMr。Deuceace，veryhumble："Ishallnotshareyourhospitality——but——butyouknowmycondition;Iampenniless——
youknowthemannerinwhichmywifehasbeenbroughtup——"
"TheHonorableMrs。Deuceace，sir，shallalwaysfindahomehere，asifnothinghadoccurredtointerruptthefriendshipbetweenherdearmotherandherself。"
"Andforme，sir，"saysDeuceace，speakingfaint，andveryslow;"I
hope——Itrust——Ithink，mylord，youwillnotforgetme？"
"Forgetyou，sir;certainlynot。"
"Andthatyouwillmakesomeprovision——？"
"AlgernonDeuceace，"saysmylord，gettingupfromthesophy，andlookingathimwithsichajollymalignity，asIneversee，"I
declare，beforeheaven，thatIwillnotgiveyouapenny！"
HereuponmylordheldouthishandtoMrs。Deuceace，andsaid，"Mydear，willyoujoinyourmotherandme？Weshallalways，asI
said，haveahomeforyou。"
"Mylord，"saidthepoarthing，droppingacurtsy，"myhomeiswithHIM！"……
Aboutthreemonthsafter，whentheseasonwasbeginningatParis，andtheautumnleafswasontheground，mylord，mylady，meandMortimer，weretakingastroalintheBoddyBalong，thecarridgedrivingonslowlyahead，andusashappyaspossbill，admiringthepleasantwoodsandthegoldnsunset。
Mylordwasexpayshatingtomyladyupontheexquizitbeautyofthesean，andpouringforthahostofbutifleandvirtuoussentamentssootabletothehour。Itwasdalitefletohearhim。"Ah！"saidhe，"blackmustbetheheart，mylove，whichdoesnotfeeltheinfluenceofascenelikethis;gatheringasitwere，fromthosesunlitskies，aportionoftheircelestialgold，andgainingsomewhatofheavenwitheachpuredraughtofthisdeliciousair！"
LadyCrabsdidnotspeak，butpresthisarmandlookedupwards。
MortimerandI，too，feltsomeoftheinfliwentsofthesean，andlentonourgooldsticksinsilence。Thecarriagedrewupclosetous，andmylordandmyladysaunteredslowlytordsit。
Jestattheplacewasabench，andonthebenchsateapoorlydrestwoman，andbyher，leaningagainstatree，wasamanwhomIthoughtI’dseanbefor。Hewasdrestinashabbyblewcoat，withwhiteseemsandcopperbuttons;atornhatwasonhishead，andgreatquantatiesofmattedhairandwhiskersdisfiggaredhiscountnints。
Hewasnotshaved，andaspaleasstone。
Mylordandladydidntaktheslightestnoticeofhim，butpastontothecarridge。MeandMortimerlickwisetookOURplaces。Aswepast，themanhadgotagripofthewoman’sshoulder，whowasholdingdownherheadsobbingbitterly。
Nosoonerweremylordandladyseated，thantheyboth，withigstreamdellixyandgoodnatur，burstintoaroroflafter，pealuponpeal，whoopingandscreachingenoughtofrightentheeveningsilents。
DEUCEACEturnedround。Iseehisfacenow——thefaceofadevvleofhell！Fust，helookttowardsthecarridge，andpintedtoitwithhismaimedarm;thenheraisedtheother，ANDSTRUCKTHEWOMANBY
HISSIDE。Shefell，screaming。
Poorthing！Poorthing！
MR。YELLOWPLUSH’SAJEW。
TheendofMr。Deuceace’shistoryisgoingtobetheendofmycorrispondince。IwishthepublicwasassorytopartwithmeasI
amwiththepublic;becawsIfansyreelythatwe’vebecomefrends，andfealformypartabecominggreafatsayingajew。
It’simposbillformetocontinyow，however，a—writin，asIhavedone——violettingtherulesofauthography，andtramplinguponthefustprincepillsofEnglishgrammar。WhenIbegan，Iknewnobetter：whenI’dcarridonthesepapersalittlefurther，andgrewaccustmdtowritin，Ibegantosmeloutsomethinkquearinmystyle。WithinthelastsexweaksIhavebeenlearningtospell：
andwhenalltheworldwasrejoicingatthefestivvatiesofouryouthfulQuean——*whenalli’swerefixeduponherlongsweetofambasdorsandprinces，followingthesplendidcarridgeofMarshletheDukeofDamlatiar，andblinkingatthepearlsanddiminceofPrinceOystereasy——Yellowplushwasinhisloanlypantry——HISeyeswerefixtuponthespelling—book——hisheartwasbentuponmastringthediffickletiesofthelitteryprofesshn。Ihavebeen，infact，CONVERTID。
*Thiswaswrittenin1838。
Youshallherehow。Ours，youknow，isaWighouse;andeversinshisthirdsonhasgotaplaceintheTreasury，hisseckndacaptingsyintheGuards，hisfust，thesecretaryofembasyatPekin，withaprospickofbeingappintedambasdoratLooChoo——eversinsmaster’ssonshavereseavedtheseattentions，andmasterhimselfhashadthepromisofapearitch，hehasbeenthemostreglar，consistnt，honrabbleLibbaral，inoroutoftheHouseofCommins。
Well，beingaWhig，it’sthefashn，asyouknow，toreseavelitterypipple;andaccordingly，atdinner，totherday，whosenamedoyouthinkIhadtohollaroutonthefustlanding—placeaboutawickago？Afterseveraldukesandmarkiseshadbeenenounced，averygentellflydrivesuptoourdoar，andoutstepstwogentlemen。
Onewaspail，andworspektickles，awig，andawhiteneckcloth。
Theotherwasslimwithahooknose，apailfase，asmallwaist，apareoffallingshoulders，atightcoat，andacatarackofblacksattingtumblingoutofhisbusm，andfallingintoagiltvelvetweskit。Thelittlegenlmnsettledhiswigg，andpulledouthisribbins;theyoungeronefluffedthedustofhisshoes，lookedathiswhiskersinalittlepockit—glas，settledhiscrevatt;andtheybothmountedupstairs。
"Whatname，sir？"saysI，totheoldgenlmn。
"Name！——a！now，youthiefo’thewurrld，"sayshe，"doyoupretindnattoknowME？Sayit’stheCabinetCyclopa——no，ImanetheLitheraryChran——psha！——bluthanowns！——sayit’sDOCTHORDIOCLESIAN
LARNER——Ithinkhe’llknowmenow——ay，Nid？"ButthegenlmncalledNidwasatthebotmofthestare，andpretendedtobeverybusywithhisshoo—string。Sothelittlegenlmnwentupstaresalone。
"DOCTORDIOLESIUSLARNER！"saysI。
"DOCTORATHANASIUSLARDNER！"saysGrevilleFitz—Roy，ourseckndfootman，onthefustlanding—place。
"DOCTORIGNATIUSLOYOLA！"saysthegroomofthechambers，whopretendstobeascholar;andinthelittlegenlmnwent。Whensafelyhoused，theotherchapcame;andwhenIaskedhimhisname，said，inathick，gobblingkindofvoice：
"Sawedwadgeorgeearllittnbulwig。"
"Sirwhat？"saysI，quiteagastatthename。