Heavinblessus！thoughtI，ifthesearespecimeensofallFrenchmen，whatasettheymustbe。TheporeItalyin’smonky，sittinmopinandmeluncollyonhisbox，wasnothalfsougly，andseamedquiteasreasonabble。
Well，wearrivedatDover——"ShipHotel"wealcutletshalfaginny，glasofaleashilling，glasofneagush，halfacrownd，ahapnyworthofwax—litesfourshillings，andsoon。Butmasterpaidwithoutgrumbling;aslongasitwasforhimselfhenevermindedtheexpens：andnexdayweembarkedinthepackitforBalongsir—
mare——whichmeansinFrench，thetownofBalongsityouatedonthesea。Iwhohadheardofforingwonders，expectedthistobethefustandgreatest：phansy，then，mydisapintment，whenwegotthere，tofindthisBalong，notsituatedonthesea，butontheSHOAR。
Butoh！thegettintherewasthebisniss。HowIdidwishforPumpCourtagin，asweweretawsingabowtintheChannel！Gentlereader，avyoueverbeenontheotion？——"Thesea，thesea，theopensea！"asBarryCromwellsays。Assoonasweenteredourlittlewessel，andI’dlookedtomaster’sluggitchandmine（minewasraptupinaverysmallhankercher），assoon，Isay，asweenteredourlittlewessel，assoonasIsawthewaives，blackandfrothy，likefreshdrawnporter，a—dashinagainsttheribsofourgalliantbark，thekeallikeawedge，splittinthebilloesintwo，thesalesa—
flaffininthehair，thestandardofHenglandfloatingatthemask—
head，thestewarda—gettingreadythebasinsandthings，thecaptingproudlytreddingthedeckandgivingorderstothesalers，thewhiteroxofAlbanyandthebathin—masheensdisappearinginthedistans——then，thenIfelt，forthefirsttime，themite，themadgistyofexistence。Yellowplushmyboy，"saidI，inadialoguewithmyself，"yourlifeisnowabouttocommens——yourcarear，asaman，datesfromyourentransonboardthispackit。Bewise，bemanly，becautious，forgitthefolliesofyouryouth。Youarenolongeraboynow，butaFOOTMAN。Throwdownyourtops，yourmarbles，yourboyishgames——throwoffyourchildishhabbitswithyourinkyclerk’sjackit——throwupyour——"……
Here，Irecklect，Iwasobleegedtostopp。Afealin，inthefustplacesinglar，inthenextplacepainful，andatlastcompleatlyoverpowering，hadcomeuponmewhileIwasmakingtheabuffspeach，andnowIfoundmyselfinasityouationwhichDellixyforBidsmetodescribe。Suffistosay，thatnowIdixcoveredwhatbasinswasmadefor——thatformany，manyhours，Ilayinahagonyofexostion，deadtoallintenseandporpuses，therainpatteringinmyface，thesalerstramplinkovermybody——thepanesofpurgatorygoingoninside。Whenwe’dbeenaboutfourhoursinthissityouation（itseam’dtomefourears），thestewardcomestothatpartofthedeckwhereweservantswereallhuddleduptogether，andcallsout"Charles！"
"Well，"saysI，gurglingoutafaint"yes，what’sthematter？"
"You’rewanted。"
"Where？"
"Yourmaster’sweryill，"sayshe，withagrin。
"Masterbehanged！"saysI，turninground，moremisrablethanever。
Iwoodn’thavemovedthatdayfortwentythousandmasters——no，notfortheEmprorofRussiaorthePopofRoom。
Well，tocutthissadsubjikshort，manyandmanyavoyitchhaveI
sinshaduponwhatShakspurcallsthe"wastydip，"butneversucharetchedoneasthatfromDovertoBalong，intheyearAnnaDomino1818。Steemerswerescarceinthosedays;andourjourneywasmadeinasmack。Atlast，whenIwasinastageofdespareandexostion，asreelytophansymyselfatDeath’sdoar，wegottotheendofourjourney。LateintheeveningwehailedtheGaelicshoars，andhankeredinthearborofBalongsir—mare。
ItwastheentransofParrowdicetomeandmaster：andasweenteredthecalmwater，andsawthecomfrabblelightsgleaminginthehouses，andfelttheroalofthevesseldegreasing，neverwastwomortialsgladder，Iwarrant，thanwewere。Atlengthourcaptingdrewupatthekey，andourjourneywasdown。Butsuchabustleandclatter，suchjabbering，suchshriekingandswaring，suchwolliesofoafsandaxicrationsassalutedusonlanding，I
neverknew！Wewereboarded，inthefustplace，bycustom—houseofficersincock—hats，whoseasedourluggitch，andcalledforourpasspots：thenacrowdofinn—waiterscame，tumblingandscreamingondeck——"Disway，sare，"criesone;"HotelMeurice，"saysanother;
"HoteldeBang，"screechesanotherchap——thetowerofBabylewasnothinktoit。Thefustthingthatstruckmeonlandingwasabigfellowwithear—rings，whoverynighknockmedown，inwrenchingmaster’scarpet—bagoutofmyhand，asIwascarryingittothehotell。Butwegottoitsafeatlast;and，forthefusttimeinmylife，Islepinaforingcountry。
Ishan’tdescribethistownofBalong，which，asithasbeenvisitedbynotless（onanavaridg）thantwomilliumsofEnglishsinceIfustsawittwentyyearsago，istolrabblywellknownalready。It’sadingymelumcollyplace，tomymind;theonlythingmovinginthestreetsisthegutterwhichrunsdown’em。Asforwoodenshoes，Isawfewof’em;andforfrogs，uponmyhonorI
neverseeasingleFrenchmanswallowone，whichIhadbeenledtobeleavewastheirreg’lar，thoughbeastly，custom。OnethingwhichamazedmewasthesinglarnamewhichtheygivetothistownofBalong。It’sdivided，aseveryboddyknows，intoanuppertown（sitouateonamounting，andsurroundedbyawall，orbullyvar）andalowertown，whichisonthelevelofthesea。Well，willitbebelievedthattheycalltheuppertowntheHotVeal，andtheothertheBaseVeal，whichisonthecontry，genrallygoodinFrance，thoughthebeaf，itmustbeconfest，isexcrabble。
ItwasintheBaseVealthatDeuceacetookhislodgian，attheHoteldeBang，inaverycrookedstreetcalledtheRuedelAscew;
andifhe’dbeentheArchbishopofDevonshire，ortheDukeofCanterbury，hecouldnothavegivenhimselfgreaterhairs，Icantellyou。Nothinkwastoofineforusnow;wehadasweetofroomsonthefirstfloor，whichbelongedtotheprimeministerofFrance（atleastthelandlordsaidtheywerethepremier’s）;andtheHon。
AlgernonPercyDeuceace，whohadnotpaidhislandriss，andcametoDoverinacoach，seamednowtothinkthatgooldwastoovulgarforhim，andacarridgeandsixwouldbreakdownwithamanofhisweight。Shampangflewaboutlikeginger—pop，besidesbordo，clarit，burgundy，burgong，andotherwines，andallthedelixesoftheBalongkitchins。Westoppedafortnitatthisdullplace，anddidnothingfrommorningtillnightexcepwalkonthebench，andwatchtheshipsgoinginandoutofarber，withoneofthemlong，slidingopra—glasses，whichtheycall，Idon’tknowwhy，tallow—
scoops。Ouramusementsforthefortnitwestoppedherewereboathnumerousanddaliteful;nothink，infact，couldbemorepickong，astheysay。InthemorningbeforebreakfastweboathwalkedonthePeer;masterinabluemareenjackit，andmeinaslap—upnewlivry;bothprovidedwithlongslidingopra—glasses，calledasI
said（Idon’tknowY，butIsupposeit’sascientafickterm）
tallow—scoops。Withtheseweigsamined，veryattentively，theotion，thesea—weed，thepebbles，thedeadcats，thefishwimmin，andthewaives（likelittlechildrenplayingatleap—frog），whichcametumblinover1anotherontotheshoar。Itseemedtomeasiftheywerescramblingtogetthere，aswelltheymight，beingsickofthesea，andanxiousfortheblessid，peaceableterryfirmy。
Afterbrexfast，downwewentagain（thatis，masteronhisbeat，andmeonmine，——formyplaceinthisforingtownwasacompleteshinycure），andputtingourtally—scoopsagaininoureyes，weegsaminedalittlemoretheotion，pebbils，deadcats，andsoon;
andthislastedtilldinner，anddinnertillbedtime，andbedtimelastedtillnexday，whencamebrexfast，anddinner，andtally—
scooping，asbefore。Thisisthewaywithallpeopleofthistown，ofwhich，asI’veheardsay，thereistenthousandhappyEnglish，wholeadthisplesntlifefromyear’sendtoyear’send。
Besidesthis，there’sbilliardsandgamblingforthegentlemen，alittledancingforthegals，andscandleforthedowygers。Innoneoftheseamusementsdidwepartake。WewereaLITTLEtoogoodtoplaycrownpintsatcards，andnevergetpaidwhenwewon;ortogodanglingaftertheportionlessgals，oramuseourselveswithslopsandpenny—wistalongwiththeoldladies。No，no;mymasterwasamanoffortnnow，andbehayvedhimselfassich。IfeverhecondysendedtogointothepublicroomoftheHoteldeBang——theFrench（doubtlessforreasonsbestknowntothemselves）callthisasallymanjy——heswoarmoreandlowderthananyonethere;heabyousedthewaiters，thewittles，thewines。Withhisglasinhisi，hestairedateverybody。Hetookalwaystheplacebeforethefire。Hetalkedabout"mycarridge，""mycurrier，""myservant;"
andhedidwright。I’vealwaysfoundthroughlife，thatifyouwishtoberespectedbyEnglishpeople，youmustbeinsalenttothem，especiallyifyouareasprigofnobiliaty。WeLIKEbeinginsultedbynoblemen，——itshowsthey’refamiliarwithus。Lawblessus！I’veknownmanyandmanyagenlmnabouttownwho’dratherbekickedbyalordthannotbenoticedbyhim;they’veevenhadanawofME，becauseIwasalord’sfootman。Whilemymasterwashectoringintheparlor，atBalong，pretiousairsIgavemyselfinthekitching，Icantellyou;andtheconsequintswas，thatwewerebetterserved，andmoarliked，thanmanypipplewithtwiceourmerit。
Deuceacehadsomeparticklarplans，nodoubt，whichkephimsolongatBalong;anditclearlywashiswishtoactthemanoffortunethereforalittletimebeforehetriedthecharacterofParis。Hepurchasedacarridge，hehiredacurrier，heriggedmeinafinenewlivryblazinwithlace，andhepastthroughtheBalongbankathousandpoundsofthemoneyhehadwonfromDawkins，tohiscreditataParishouse;showingtheBalongbankersatthesametime，thathe’dplentymoarinhispotfolie。Thiswaskillintwobirdswithonestone;thebankers’clerksspreadthenuseoverthetown，andinadayaftermasterhadpaidthemoneyeveryolddowygerinBalonghadlookedouttheCrabs’familypodigreeinthePeeridge，andwasquiteintimatewiththeDeuceacenameandestates。IfSattnhimselfwerealord，Idobeleavethere’smanyvurtuousEnglishmotherswouldbegladtohavehimforason—in—law。
Now，thoughmymasterhadthoughtfitttoleavetownwithoutexcommunicatingwithhisfatheronthesubjectofhisintendedcontinentaltripe，assoonashewassettledatBalongheroatmyLordCrabbsaletter，ofwhichIhappentohaveacopy。Itranthus：——
"BOULOGNE，January25。
"MYDEARFATHER，——Ihavelong，inthecourseofmylegalstudies，foundthenecessityofaknowledgeofFrench，inwhichlanguagealltheearlyhistoryofourprofessioniswritten，andhavedeterminedtotakealittlerelaxationfromchamberreading，whichhasseriouslyinjuredmyhealth。Ifmymodestfinancescanbearatwomonths’journey，andaresidenceatParis，Iproposetoremaintherethatperiod。
"WillyouhavethekindnesstosendmealetterofintroductiontoLordBobtail，ourambassador？Myname，andyouroldfriendshipwithhim，Iknowwouldsecuremeareceptionathishouse;butapressingletterfromyourselfwouldatoncebemorecourteous，andmoreeffectual。
"MayIalsoaskyouformylastquarter’ssalary？Iamnotanexpensiveman，mydearfather，asyouknow;butwearenochameleons，andfiftypounds（withmylittleearningsinmyprofession）wouldvastlyaddtotheagremensofmycontinentalexcursion。
"Presentmylovetoallmybrothersandsisters。Ah！howIwishthehardportionofayoungersonhadnotbeenmine，andthatI
couldlivewithoutthedirenecessityforlabor，happyamongtheruralscenesofmychildhood，andinthesocietyofmydearsistersandyou！Heavenblessyou，dearestfather，andallthosebelovedonesnowdwellingunderthedearoldroofatSizes。
"Everyouraffectionateson，"Algernon。
"THERIGHTHON。THEEARLOFCRABS，&c。，SIZESCOURT，BUCKS。"
Tothisaffeckshnatletterhislordshipreplied，byreturnofpoast，asfollos：——
"MYDEARALGERNON，——YourlettercamesafetohandandIencloseyoutheletterforLordBobtailasyoudesire。Heisakindman，andhasoneofthebestcooksinEurope。
"Wewereallcharmedwithyourwarmremembrancesofus，nothavingseenyouforsevenyears。Wecannotbutbepleasedatthefamilyaffectionwhich，inspiteoftimeandabsence，stillclingssofondlytohome。Itisasad，selfishworld，andveryfewwhohaveentereditcanaffordtokeepthosefreshfeelingswhichyouhave，mydearson。
"Mayyoulongretainthem，isafondfather’searnestprayer。Besure，dearAlgernon，thattheywillbethroughlifeyourgreatestcomfort，aswellasyourbestworldlyally;consolingyouinmisfortune，cheeringyouindepression，aidingandinspiringyoutoexertionandsuccess。
"Iamsorry，trulysorry，thatmyaccountatCoutts’sissolow，justnow，astorenderapaymentofyourallowanceforthepresentimpossible。IseebymybookthatIoweyounowninequarters，or450L。Dependonit，mydearboy，thattheyshallbefaithfullypaidovertoyouonthefirstopportunity。
"Bytheway，Ihaveenclosedsomeextractsfromthenewspapers，whichmayinterestyou：andhavereceivedaverystrangeletterfromaMr。Blewitt，aboutaplaytransaction，which，Isuppose，isthecasealludedtointheseprints。Hesaysyouwon4700L。fromoneDawkins：thattheladpaidit;thathe，Blewitt，wastogowhathecalls’snacks’inthewinning;butthatyourefusedtosharethebooty。Howcanyou，mydearboy，quarrelwiththesevulgarpeople，orlayyourselfinanywayopentotheirattacks？Ihaveplayedmyselfagooddeal，andthereisnomanlivingwhocanaccusemeofadoubtfulact。YoushouldeitherhaveshotthisBlewittorpaidhim。Now，asthematterstands，itistoolatetodotheformer;
and，perhaps，itwouldbeQuixotictoperformthelatter。Mydearestboy！recollectthroughlifethatYOUNEVERCANAFFORDTOBE
DISHONESTWITHAROQUE。Fourthousandsevenhundredpoundswasagreatcoup，tobesure。
"Asyouarenowinsuchhighfeather，canyou，dearestAlgernon！
lendmefivehundredpounds？Uponmysoulandhonor，Iwillrepayyou。Yourbrothersandsisterssendyoutheirlove。Ineednotadd，thatyouhavealwaystheblessingsofyouraffectionatefather，"CRABS。"
"P。S。——Makeit500，andIwillgiveyoumynote—of—handforathousand。"……
Ineedn’tsaythatthisdidnotQUITEenterintoDeuceace’seyedears。Lendhisfather500pound，indeed！He’dassoonhavelenthimaboxontheyear！Inthefustplace，hehadnseenoldCrabsforsevenyears，asthatnoblemanremarkedinhisepistol;intheseckndhehatedhim，andtheyhatedeachother;andnex，ifmasterhadlovedhisfathereversomuch，helovedsomebodyelsebetter——hisfather’sson，namely：andsoonerthandeprivethatexlentyoungmanofapenny，he’dhaveseanallthefathersintheworldhanginatNewgat，andallthe"belovedones，"ashecalledhissisters，theLadyDeuceacisses，somanyconvixatBottomyBay。
Thenewspaperparrografsshowedthat，howeversecretWEwishedtokeeptheplaytransaction，thepublicknewitnowfullwell。
Blewitt，asIfoundafter，wastheauthorofthelibelswhichappearedrightandleft：
"GAMBLINGINHIGHLIFE——theHONORABLEMr。D——c——ceagain！——Thiscelebratedwhist—playerhasturnedhisaccomplishmentstosomeprofit。OnFriday，the16thJanuary，hewonfivethousandpoundsfromaVERYyounggentleman，Th—m—sSm—thD—wk—ns，Esq。，andlosttwothousandfivehundredtoR。Bl—w—tt，Esq。，oftheT—mple。Mr。
D。veryhonorablypaidthesumlostbyhimtothehonorablewhist—
player，butwehavenotheardthat，BEFOREHISSUDDENTRIPTO
PARIS，Mr。D——uc——cepaidHISlosingstoMr。Bl—w—tt。"
Nexcamea"NoticetoCorryspondents："
"FairPlayasksus，ifweknowofthegamblingdoingsofthenotoriousDeuceace？Weanswer，WEDO;and，inourverynextNumber，proposetomakesomeofthempublic。"……
Theydidn’tappear，however;but，onthecontry，theverysamenewspeper，whichhadbeenbeforesoabusiffofDeuceace，wasnowloudinhispraise。Itsaid：——
"Aparagraphwasinadvertentlyadmittedintoourpaperoflastweek，mostunjustlyassailingthecharacterofagentlemanofhighbirthandtalents，thesonoftheexemplaryE—rlofCr—bs。Werepel，withscornandindignation，thedastardlyfalsehoodsofthemalignantslandererwhovilifiedMr。De——ce—ce，andbegtoofferthatgentlemantheonlyreparationinourpowerforhavingthustamperedwithhisunsulliedname。WedisbelievetheRUFFIANandHISSTORY，andmostsincerelyregretthatsuchatale，orSUCHA
WRITER，shouldeverhavebeenbroughtforwardtothereadersofthispaper。"
Thiswassatisfactory，andnomistake：andmuchpleasedwewereatthedenialofthisconshentiouseditor。Somuchpleasedthatmastersenthimaten—poundnoat，andhiscomplymints。He’dsentanothertothesameaddress，BEFOREthisparrowgraffwasprinted;
WHY，Ican’tthink：forIwoodn’tsupposeanythingmusnaryinalitteryman。
Well，afterthisbisnisswasconcluded，thecurrierhired，thecarridgesmartenedalittle，andmesetupinmynewlivries，webadeojewtoBulonginthegrandeststateposbill。Whatafigurewecut！and，myi，whatafiggerthepostillioncut！Acock—hat，ajackitmadeoutofacow’sskin（itwasincoldweather），apig—
taleabout3fitinlength，andapairofboots！Oh，sichapare！
Abishopmightalmosthavepreachedoutofone，oramodrat—sizedfamlyslepinit。MeandMr。Schwigshhnaps，thecurrier，satebehindintherumbill;masteraloanintheinside，asgrandasaTurk，andraptupinhisfinefir—cloak。Offwesett，bowinggraceflytothecrowd;theharniss—bellsjinglin，thegreatwhitehossessnortin，kickin，andsqueelin，andthepostiliumcrackinghiswip，asloudasifhe’dbeendrivinhermajestythequean……
Well，Ishan’tdescribeourvoyitch。Wepassedsefralsitties，willitches，andmetrappolishes;sleepingthefustnightatAmiens，witch，aseveryboddyknows，isfamouseversincetheyear1802forwhat’scalledthePeaseofAmiens。Wehadsome，verygood，donewithsugarandbrownsos，intheAmiensway。Butafteralltheboastingaboutthem，IthinkIlikeourmarrowphatsbetter。
Speakingofwedgytables，anothersingleraxdenthappenedhereconcarningthem。Master，whowasbrexfastingbeforegoingaway，toldmetogoandgethimhisfurtravling—shoes。Iwentandtoaldthewaiteroftheinn，whostared，grinned（asthesechapsalwaysdo），said"Bong"（whichmeans，verywell），andpresentlycameback。
I’MBLESTIFHEDIDN’TBRINGMASTERAPLATEOFCABBITCH！Wouldyoubleaveit，thatnow，inthenineteenthsentry，whentheysaythere’sschoolmastersabroad，thesestewpidFrenchjackassesaresoextonishinglyignorantastocallaCABBIDGEaSHOO！Never，neverletitbesaid，afterthis，thatthesebenighted，souperstitious，misrabbleSAVIDGES，areequill，inanyrespex，tothegreatBrittishpeople。ThemoorItravvle，themoorIseeoftheworld，andothernatiums，Iamproudofmyown，anddespiseanddeploretheretchidignoranceoftherestofYourup……
MyremarksonParrisyoushallhavebyanearlyopportunity。MeandDeuceaceplayedsomecuriouspranxthere，Icantellyou。
MR。DEUCEACEATPARIS。
CHAPTERI。
THETWOBUNDLESOFHAY。
Lieutenant—GeneralSirGeorgeGriffin，K。C。B。，wasaboutseventy—
fiveyearsoldwhenheleftthislife，andtheEastInginearmy，ofwhichhewasadistinguishedornyment。SirGeorge’sfirstappearanceinInjarwasinthecharacterofacabbingboytoavessel;fromwhichherosetobeclerktotheownersatCalcutta，fromwhichhebecameallofasuddenacaptingintheCompany’sservice;andsoroseandrose，untilherosetobealeftenant—
general，whenhestoppedrisingaltogether——hoppingthetwigofthislife，asdrummers，generals，dustmen，andemperorsmustdo。
SirGeorgedidnotleaveanymalhairtoperpetuatethenameofGriffin。Awidowofabouttwenty—seven，andadaughteravaritchingtwenty—three，wasleftbehindtodeploarhisloss，andsharehisproppaty。OnoldSirGeorge’sdeth，hisinterestingwiddoandorfan，whohadbothbeenwithhiminInjer，returnedhome——triedLondonforafewmonths，didnotlikeit，andresolvedonatriptoParis;whereverysmallLondonpeoplebecomeverygreatones，ifthey’vemoney，astheseGriffinseshad。TheintelligentreaderneednotbetoldthatMissGriffinwasnotthedaughterofLadyGriffin;forthoughmarritchesaremadetolrabblyearlyinInjer，peoplearenotquitesoprecoashoosasallthat：thefactis，LadyG。wasSirGeorge’ssecondwife。Ineedscarcelyadd，thatMissMatildaGriffinwostheoffspringofhisfustmarritch。
MissLeonoraKicksey，aansum，livelyIslingtongal，takenouttoCalcutta，and，amongsthisothergoods，verycomfortablydisposedofbyheruncle，CaptingKicksey，wasone—and—twentywhenshemarriedSirGeorgeatseventy—one;andthe13MissKickseys，nineofwhomkepaschoolatIslington（theother4beingmarriedvariouslyinthecity），werenotalittleenviusofmylady’sluck，andnotalittleproudoftheirrelationshiptoher。Oneof’em，MissJemimaKicksey，theoldest，andbynomeanstheleastuglyofthesett，wasstayingwithherladyship，andgevmeallthepartecklars。Oftherestofthefamly，beingofalosort，Iincoursenonothink;MYacquaintance，thankmystars，don’tlieamongthem，orthelikesofthem。
Well，thisMissJemimalivedwithheryoungerandmorefortnatsister，inthequalatyofcompanion，ortoddy。Poarthing！I’dasoonbeagallyslave，asleadthelifeshedid！Everybodyinthehousedespisedher;herladyshipinsultedher;theverykitchinggalsscornedandfloutedher。Sheroatthenotes，shekepthebills，shemadethetea，shewhippedthechocklate，shecleanedthecanarybirds，andgevoutthelinningforthewash。Shewasmylady’swalkingpocket，orrettycule;andfetchedandcarriedherhandkercher，orhersmell—bottle，likeawell—bredspaniel。Allnight，atherladyship’sswarries，shethumpedkidrills（nobodyeverthoughtofaskingHERtodance！）;whenMissGriffingsung，sheplayedthepiano，andwasscoldedbecausethesingerwasoutoftune;abommanatingdogs，sheneverdroveoutwithoutherladyship’spuddleinherlap;and，reglarlyunwellinacarriage，shenevergotanythingbutthebackseat。PoarJemima！Icanseehernowinmylady’sSECKND—BESToldclothes（theladies’—maidsalwaysgottheprimeleavings）：alilocsattngown，crumpled，blotched，andgreasy;apairofwhitesattnshoes，ofthecolorofIngerrubber;
afadedyellowvelvethat，withawreathofhartifishlflowersruntosead，andabirdofParrowdiceperchedonthetopofit，melumcollyandmoulting，withonlyacoupleoffeathersleftinhisunfortunatetail。
Besidesthisornymenttotheirsaloon，LadyandMissGriffinkeptanumberofotherservantsinthekitching;2ladies’—maids;2
footmin，sixfeethigheach，crimsoncoats，gooldknots，andwhitecassymearpantyloons;acoachmintomatch;apage：andaShassure，akindofservantonlyknownamongforriners，andwholooksmorelikeamajor—generalthananyothermortial，wearingacock—hat，aunicorncoveredwithsilverlace，mustashos，eplets，andaswordbyhisside。Allthesetowaitupontwoladies;notcountingahostofthefairsex，suchascooks，scullion，housekeepers，andsoforth。
MyLadyGriffin’slodgingwasatfortypoundaweek，inagrandsweetofroomsinthePlasVandomeatParis。And，havingthusdescribedtheirhouse，andtheirservants’hall，Imaygiveafewwordsofdescriptionconcerningtheladiesthemselves。
Inthefustplace，andincoarse，theyhatedeachother。Myladywastwenty—seven——awiddooftwoyears——fat，fair，androsy。A
slow，quiet，cold—lookingwoman，asthosefair—hairedgalsgenerallyare，itseemeddifficulttorousehereitherintolikesordislikes;totheformer，atleast。SheneverlovedanybodybutONE，andthatwasherself。Shehated，inhercalm，quietway，almosteveryoneelsewhocamenearher——everyone，fromherneighbor，theduke，whohadslightedheratdinner，downtoJohnthefootman，whohadtornaholeinhertrain。Ithinkthiswoman’sheartwaslikeoneofthemlithografficstones，youCAN’T
RUBOUTANYTHINGwhenonceit’sdrawnorwroteonit;norcouldyououtofherladyship’sstone——heart，Imean——intheshapeofanaffront，aslight，orreal，orphansiedinjury。Sheboaranexlent，irreprotchablecharacter，againstwhichthetongueofscandalneverwagged。Shewasallowedtobethebestwifeposbill——
andsoshewas;butshekilledheroldhusbandintwoyears，asdeadaseverMr。ThurtellkilledMr。WilliamWeare。Shenevergotintoapassion，notshe——sheneversaidarudeword;butshe’dagenius——ageniuswhichmanywomenhave——ofmakingAHELLofahouse，andtort’ringthepoorcreaturesofherfamily，untiltheywerewellnighdrovemad。
MissMatildaGriffinwasagooddealuglier，andaboutasamiableashermother—in—law。Shewascrooked，andsquinted;mylady，todoherjustice，wasstraight，andlookedthesamewaywithheri’s。
Shewasdark，andmyladywasfair——sentimental，asherladyshipwascold。Myladywasneverinapassion——MissMatildaalways;andawfillewerethesceneswhichusedtopassbetweenthese2women，andthewickid，wickidquarlswhichtookplace。Whydidtheylivetogether？Therewasthemistry。Notrelated，andhatingeachotherlikepison，itwouldsurelyhavebeeneasiertoremainseprat，andsohavedetestedeachotheratadistans。
AsforthefortunewhicholdSirGeorgehadleft，that，itwasclear，wasveryconsidrabble——300thousandlb。attheleast，asI
haveheardsay。Butnobodyknewhowitwasdisposedof。Somesaidthatherladyshipwassolemistrissofit，othersthatitwasdivided，othersthatshehadonlyalifeinkum，andthatthemoneywasalltogo（aswasnatral）toMissMatilda。ThesearesubjixwhicharenotprapsveryinterestingtotheBritishpublic，butweremightyimportanttomymaster，theHonrableAlgernonPercyDeuceace，esquire，barrister—at—law，etsettler，etsettler。
ForI’veforgottoinformyouthatmymasterwasveryintimatinthishouse;andthatwewerenowcomfortablysettledattheHotelMirabew（pronouncedMaroboinFrench），intheRewdellyPay，atParis。Wehadourcab，andtworidinghorses;ourbanker’sbook，andathousandpoundforabalantzatLafitt’s;ourclubatthecorneroftheRewGramong;ourshareinaboxattheoppras;ourapartments，spaciousandelygant;ourswarriesatcourt;ourdinnersathisexcellencyLordBobtail’sandelsewhere。ThankstopoarDawkins’sfivethousandpound，wewereascompletegentlemenasanyinParis。
Nowmymaster，likeawisemanashewas，seainghimselfattheheadofasmartsumofmoney，andinacountrywherehisdebtscouldnotbotherhim，determinedtogiveupforthepresenteverythinklikegambling——atleast，highplay;asforlosingorwinningaralowofNapoleumsatwhistorecarty，itdidnotmatter;
itlookslikemoneytodosuchthings，andgivesakindofrespectabilaty。"Butasforplay，hewouldn’t——ohno！notforworlds！——dosuchathing。"HeHADplayed，likeotheryoungmenoffashn，andwonandlost[oldfox！hedidn’tsayhehadPAID];buthehadgivenuptheamusement，andwasnowdetermined，hesaid，toliveonhisinkum。Thefactis，mymasterwasdoinghisverybesttoacttherespectableman：andaverygoodgameitis，too;butitrequiresapreciousgreatroagtoplayit。
Hemadehisappearansreglaratchurch——mecarryingahandsomelargeblackmarockyPrayer—bookandBible，withthepsalmsandlessonsmarkedoutwithredribbings;andyou’dhavethought，asI
graivlylaidthevollomsdownbeforehim，andasheberriedhisheadinhisnicelybrushedhat，beforeservicebegan，thatsuchapious，propermorl，youngnoblemanwasnottobefoundinthewholeofthepeeridge。Itwasacomforttolookathim。EfryoldtabbyanddowygeratmyLordBobtail’sturnedupthewightsoftheiri’swhentheyspokeofhim，andvowedtheyhadneverseensuchadear，daliteful，exlentyoungman。Whatagoodsonhemustbe，theysaid;andoh，whatagoodson—in—law！HehadthepickofalltheEnglishgalsatParisbeforewehadbeenthere3months。But，unfortunately，mostofthemwerepoar;andloveandacottidgewasnotquiteinmaster’swayofthinking。
Well，aboutthistimemyLadyGriffinandMissG。madetheirappearantsatParris，andmaster，whowasuptosnough，verysoonchangedhisnoat。Hesatenearthematchapple，andsunghimswithmylady：hedancedwith’emattheembassyballs;heroadwiththemintheBoydeBalongandtheShandeleasies（whichistheFrenchHighPark）;heroatpotryinMissGriffin’shalbim，andsangjewetsalongwithherandLadyGriffin;hebroughtsweet—meatsforthepuddle—dog;hegavemoneytothefootmin，kissisandglovestothesniggeringladies’—maids;hewassivvleeventopoarMissKicksey;
therewasn’tasinglesoalattheGriffinsesthatdidn’tadoarthisgoodyoungman。
Theladies，iftheyhatedbefoar，youmaybesuredetestedeachothernowwussthanever。Therehadbeenalwaysajallowsybetweenthem：missjellowsofhermother—in—law’sbewty;madamofmiss’sespree：misstauntingmyladyabouttheschoolatIslington，andmyladysneeringatmissforhersquintandhercrookidback。Andnowcameastrongercaws。TheybothfellinlovewithMr。Deuceace——mylady，thatistosay，asmuchasshecould，withhercoldselfishtemper。ShelikedDeuceace，whoamusedherandmadeherlaff。Shelikedhismanners，hisriding，andhisgoodloox;andbeingapervinewherselfhadadubblerespectforrealaristocratickfleshandblood。Miss’slove，onthecontry，wasallflamsandfury。
She’dalwaysbeenatthisworkfromthetimeshehadbeenatschool，wheresheverynighrunawaywithaFrentchmaster;nextwithafootman（whichImaysay，inconfidence，isbynomeansunnatralorunusyouall，asICOULDSHOWIFILIKED）;andsohadbeengoingonsinsfifteen。ShereglarlyflungherselfatDeuceace’shead——suchsighing，crying，andogling，Ineversee。
OftenwasIreadytobustoutlaffin，asIbroughtmasterskoarsofrose—coloredbillydoos，foldeduplikecockhats，andsmellinlikebarber’sshops，whichthisverytenderyoungladyusedtoaddresstohim。Now，thoughmasterwasascoundrillandnomistake，hewasagentlemin，andamanofgoodbreading;andmissCAMEALITTLETOO
STRONG（pardonthewulgarityofthexpression）withherhardorandattachmint，foroneofhistaste。Besides，shehadacrookidspine，andasquint;sothat（supposingtheirfortnstolrabblyequal）Deuceacereelypreferredthemother—in—law。
Now，then，itwashisbisnisstofindoutwhichhadthemostmoney。
WithanEnglishfamlythiswouldhavebeeneasy：alookatawillatDoctorCommons’eswouldsettlethematteratonce。ButthisIndianaybob’swillwasatCalcutty，orsomeoutlandishplace;andtherewasnogettingsightofacoppyofit。IwilldoMr。
AlgernonDeuceacethejustasstosay，thathewassolittlemusnaryinhisloveforLadyGriffin，thathewouldhavemarriedhergladly，evenifshehadtenthousandpoundslessthanMissMatilda。
Inthemeantime，hisplanwastokeep’embothinplay，untilhecouldstrikethebestfishofthetwo——notadifficultmatterforamanofhisgenus：besides，Misswashookedforcertain。
CHAPTERII。
"HONORTHYFATHER。"
IsaidthatmymasterwasadoardbyeverypersoninmyLadyGriffin’sestablishmint。Ishouldhavesaidbyeverypersonexcepone，——ayoungFrenchgnlmn，thatis，who，beforeourappearants，hadbeenmightypartiklarwithmylady，ockupyingbyhersideexacklythesamepasitionwhichtheHonrableMr。Deuceacenowheld。
ItwasbewtiffleandheadifyingtoseehowcoollythatyoungnoblemankickedthepoarShevalliaydeL’Orgeoutofhisshoes，andhowgracefullyhehimselfsteptinto’em。MunseerdeL’OrgewasasmartyoungFrenchjentleman，ofaboutmymaster’sageandgoodlooks，butnotpossestofhalfmymaster’simpidince。NotthatthatquallatyisuncommoninFrance;butfew，veryfew，hadittosuchadegreeasmyexlentemployer，Mr。Deuceace。BesidesDeL’OrgewasreglarlyandreelyinlovewithLadyGriffin，andmasteronlypretending：hehad，ofcoars，anadvantitch，whichthepoorFrentchmannevercouldgit。Hewasallsmilesandgaty，whileDelorgewasockwardandmelumcolly。MymasterhadsaidtwentyprettythingstoLadyGriffin，befortheshevalierhadfinishedsmoothinghishat，staringather，andsighingfittobusthisweskit。Oluv，luv！THISisn’tthewaytowinawoman，ormyname’snotFitzroyYellowplush！Myself，whenIbegunmycarearamongthefairsix，Iwasalwayssighingandmoping，likethispoarFrenchman。Whatwastheconsquints？ThefoarfustwomenIadoaredlafftatme，andleftmeforsomethingmorelively。WiththerestIhaveedoptedadiffrentgame，andwithtolerablesuxess，Icantellyou。Butthisiseggatism，whichIaboar。
Well，thelongandtheshortofitis，thatMunseerFerdinandHyppoliteXavierStanislas，ShevalierdeL’Orge，wasreglarcutoutbyMunseerAlgernonPercyDeuceace，Exquire。PoarFerdinanddidnotleavethehouse——hehadn’tthehearttodothat——norhadmyladythedesiretodismisshim。Hewasusefleinathousanddifferentways，gittingoppra—boxes，andinvitationstoFrenchswarries，byinggloves，andOdeColong，writingFrenchnoats，andsuchlike。AlwaysletmerecommendanEnglishfamly，goingtoParis，tohaveatleastoneyoungmanofthesortaboutthem。
Nevermindhowoldyourladyshipis，hewillmakelovetoyou;
nevermindwhaterrintsyousendhimupon，he’lltrotoffanddothem。Besides，he’salwaysquiteandwell—dresst，andneverdrinxmoarthanapintofwineatdinner，which（asIsay）isapinttoconsider。SuchaconveniantsofamanwasMunseerdeL’Orge——thegreatestuseandcomforttomyladyposbill;ifitwasbuttolaffathisbadpronunciatiumofEnglish，itwassomethinkamusink;thefunwastopithimagainstpoarMissKicksey，shespeakinFrench，andheournaytifBritishtong。
Mymaster，todohimjustace，wasperficklysivvletothispoaryoungFrenchman;andhavingkickedhimoutoftheplacewhichheoccupied，sertinglytreatedhisfallenanymywitheveryrespectandconsideration。Poarmodist，down—heartedlittleFerdinandadouredmyladyasagoddice！andsohewasverypolitelikewisetomymaster——neverventuringoncetobejellowsofhim，ortoquestionmyLadyGriffin’srighttochangeherlover，ifshechoasetodoso。
Thus，then，mattersstood;masterhadtwostrinxtohisbo，andmighttakeeitherthewiddoortheorfn，ashepreferred：combonglweesomblay，astheFrentchsay。Hisonlypintwastodiscoverhowthemoneywasdisposedoff，whichevidentlybelongedtooneorother，orboath。Atanyratehewassureofone;assureasanymortalmancanbeinthissublimaryspear，wherenothinkissuttinexceptunsertnty……
Averyunixpectedinsidentheretookplace，whichinagooddealchangedmymaster’scalkylations。
Onenight，afterconductingthetwoladiestotheoppra，aftersuppinkofwhitesoop，sammy—deperdrow，andshampangglassy（whichmeanseyced），attheirhouseinthePlasVandom，meandmasterdroavhoaminthecab，ashappyaspossbill。
"Chawlsyoud————dscoundrel，"sayshetome（forhewasinanexlenthumer），"whenI’mmarried，I’lldubbilyourwagis。"
Thishemightdo，tobesure，withoutinjuringhimself，seeingthathehadusyetneverpaidmeany。But，whatthen？Lawblessus！
thingswouldbeataprettypassifwesuvvantsonlylivedonourWAGIS;ourpuckwisitsisthething，andnomistake。
IixprestmygratitudeasbestIcould;swoarthatitwasn’tforwagisIservedhim——thatIwouldasleafweightuponhimfornothink;andthatnever，never，solongasIlivd，wouldI，ofmyownaccord，partfromsuchanexlentmaster。Bythetimethesetwospitcheshadbeenmade——myspitchandhis——wearrivedatthe"HotelMirabeu;"which，useverybodyknows，ain’tverydistantfromthePlasVandome。Upwemarchedtoourapartmince，mecarryingthelightandthecloax，masterhumminkahairoutoftheoppra，asmerryasalark。
Iopenedthedoorofoursalong。Therewaslightsalreadyintheroom;anemptyshampangbottleroalinonthefloar，anotheronthetable;nearwhichthesofywasdrawn，andonitlayastoutoldgenlmn，smoakingseagarsasifhe’dbeaninaninntap—room。
Deuceace（whoabommunatesseagars，asI’vealreadyshown）bustintoafuriousraigeagainstthegenlmn，whomhecouldhardlyseeforthesmoak;and，withanumberofoavesquiteunnecessarytorepeat，askedhimwhatbisnisshe’dthere。
Thesmoakingchaprose，and，layingdownhisseagar，beganaroroflaffin，andsaid，"What！Algymyboy！don’tyouknowme？"
Thereadermayprapsrecklectaveryaffectingletterwhichwaspublishedinthelastchapterofthesememoars;inwhichthewriterrequestedaloanoffivehundredpoundfromMr。AlgernonDeuceace，andwhichboartherespectedsignaturoftheEarlofCrabs，Mr。
Deuceace’sownfather。Itwasthatdistinguishedarastycratwhowasnowsmokinandlaffininourroom。
MyLordCrabswas，asIpreshumed，about60yearsold。Astowt，burly，red—faced，bald—headednobleman，whosenoseseemedblushingatwhathismouthwascontinuallyswallowing;whosehand，praps，trembledalittle;andwhosethyandleggwasnotquitesofullorassteddyastheyhadbeeninformerdays。Buthewasarespecktabble，fine—lookingoldnobleman;andthoughitmustbeconfest，1/2drunkwhenwefustmadeourappearanceinthesalong，yetbynomeansmoorsothanareelnobleminoughttobe。
"What，Algymyboy！"shoutsouthislordship，advancingandseasingmasterbythehand，"doan’tyouknowyourownfather？"
Masterseemedanythinkbutoverhappy。"Mylord，"sayshe，lookingverypail，andspeakinraytherslow，"Ididn’t——Iconfess——theunexpectedpleasure——ofseeingyouinParis。Thefactis，sir，saidhe，"recoveringhimselfalittle;"thefactis，therewassuchaconfoundedsmokeoftobaccointheroom，thatIreallycouldnotseewhothestrangerwaswhohadpaidmesuchanunexpectedvisit。"
"Abadhabit，Algernon;abadhabit，"saidmylord，lightinganotherseagar："adisgustingandfilthypractice，whichyou，mydearchild，willdowelltoavoid。Itisatbest，dearAlgernon，butanasty，idlepastime，unfittingamanaswellformentalexertionasforrespectablesociety;sacrificing，atonce，thevigoroftheintellectandthegracesoftheperson。By—the—by，whatinfernalbadtobaccotheyhave，too，inthishotel。CouldnotyousendyourservanttogetmeafewseagarsattheCafedeParis？
Givehimafive—francpiece，andlethimgoatonce，that’sagoodfellow。"
Herehislordshiphiccupt，anddrankoffafreshtumblerofshampang。Verysulkily，masterdrewoutthecoin，andsentmeontheerrint。
KnowingtheCafedeParistobeshutatthathour，Ididn’tsayaword，butquietlyestablishtmyselfintheante—room;where，asithappenedbyasinglercoinstdints，Icouldheareverywordoftheconversationbetweenthisexlentpairofrelatifs。
"Helpyourself，andgetanotherbottle，"saysmylord，afterasollumpaws。Mypoarmaster，thekingofallothercompniesinwhichhemoved，seamedherebuttoplayseckndfiddill，andwenttothecubbard，fromwhichhisfatherhadalreadyigstractedtwobottilsofhisprimeSillary。
Heputitdownbeforehisfather，coft，spit，openedthewindows，stirredthefire，yawned，clapthishandtohisforehead，andsuttnlyseamedasuneezyasagenlmncouldbe。Butitwasofnouse;theoldonewouldnotbudg。"Helpyourself，"saysheagain，"andpassmethebottil。"
"Youareverygood，father，"saysmaster;"butreally，Ineitherdrinknorsmoke。"
"Right，myboy：quiteright。Talkaboutagoodconscienceinthislife——agoodSTOMACKiseverythink。Nobadnights，noheadachs——
eh？Quitecoolandcollectedforyourlawstudiesinthemorning？——
eh？"Andtheoldnoblemanheregrinned，inamannerwhichwouldhavedonecreddittoMr。Grimoldi。
Mastersatepaleandwincing，asI’veseenaporesoldierunderthecat。Hedidn’tanseraword。Hisexlentpawenton，warmingashecontinuedtospeak，anddrinkingafreshglasatevryfullstop。
"Howyoumustimprove，withsuchtalentsandsuchprinciples！Why，Algernon，allLondontalksofyourindustryandperseverance：
you’renotmerelyaphilosopher，man;hangit！you’vegotthephilosopher’sstone。Finerooms，finehorses，champagne，andallfor200ayear！"
"Ipresume，sir，"saysmymaster，"thatyoumeanthetwohundredayearwhichYOUpayme？"
"Theverysum，myboy;theverysum！"criesmylord，laffinasifhewoulddie。"Why，that’sthewonder！Ineverpaythetwohundredayear，andyoukeepallthisstateupuponnothing。Givemeyoursecret，OyouyoungTrismegistus！Tellyouroldfatherhowsuchwonderscanbeworked，andIwill——yes，then，uponmyword，I
will——payyouyourtwohundredayear！"