OneneedstosaveupbeforehandifonedesirestospendanylengthoftimeinHolland。OnetalksofdearoldEngland，butthedearestlandinalltheworldislittleHolland。TheflorinthereisequaltothefrancinFranceandtotheshillinginEngland。TheytellyouthatcigarsarecheapinHolland。AcheapDutchcigarwilllastyouaday。Itisnotuntilyouhaveforgottenthetasteofitthatyoufeelyoueverwanttosmokeagain。IknewamanwhoreckonedthathehadsavedhundredsofpoundsbysmokingDutchcigarsforamonthsteadily。Itwasyearsbeforeheagainventuredontobacco。
WatchingbuildingoperationsinHollandbringshometoyouforcibly，whatpreviouslyyouhaveregardedasameaninglessformula——namely，thatthecountryisbuiltuponpiles。Adozenfeetbelowthelevelofthestreetoneseesthelabourersworkinginfishermen’sbootsuptotheirkneesinwater，drivingthegreatwoodenblocksintothemud。Manyoftheolderhousesslopeforwardatsuchananglethatyoualmostfeartopassbeneaththem。Ishouldbeasnervousasakitten，livinginoneoftheupperstoreys。ButtheDutchmanleansoutofawindowthatishangingabovethestreetsixfeetbeyondtheperpendicular，andsmokescontentedly。
TheyhaveamerrycustominHollandofkeepingtherailwaytimetwentyminutesaheadofthetowntime——orisittwentyminutesbehind？InevercanrememberwhenI’mthere，andIamnotsurenow。
TheDutchmanhimselfneverknows。
"You’veplentyoftime，"hesays"Butthetraingoesatten，"yousay;"thestationisamileaway，anditisnowhalf—pastnine。"
"Yes，butthatmeansten—twenty，"heanswers，"youhavenearlyanhour。"
Fiveminuteslaterhetapsyouontheshoulder。
"Mymistake，it’stwentytoten。Iwasthinkingitwastheotherwayabout。"
Anotherargueswithhimthathisfirstideawasright。Theyworkitoutbyscientificmethods。Meanwhileyouhavedivedintoacab。Theresultisalwaysthesame：youareeitherfortyminutestoosoon，oryouhavemissedthetrainbytwentyminutes。ADutchplatformisalwayscrowdedwithwomenexplainingvolublytotheirhusbandseitherthattherewasnotanyneedtohavehurried，orelsethatthethingwouldhavebeentohavestartedhalfanhourbeforetheydid，themaninbothcasesbeing，ofcourse，toblame。Themenwalkupanddownandswear。
Theideahasbeensuggestedthattherailwaytimeandthetowntimeshouldbemadetoconform。TheargumentagainsttheideaisthatifitwerecarriedouttherewouldbenothinglefttoputtheDutchmanoutandworryhim。
SHOULDWESAYWHATWETHINK，ORTHINKWHATWESAY？
AmadfriendofminewillhaveitthatthecharacteristicoftheageisMake—Believe。Hearguesthatallsocialintercourseisfoundedonmake—believe。AservantenterstosaythatMr。andMrs。Boreareinthedrawing—room。
"Oh，damn！"saystheman。
"Hush！"saysthewoman。"Shutthedoor，Susan。HowoftenamItotellyounevertoleavethedooropen？"
Themancreepsupstairsontiptoeandshutshimselfinhisstudy。
Thewomandoesthingsbeforealooking—glass，waitstillshefeelssheissufficientlymistressofherselfnottoshowherfeelings，andthenentersthedrawing—roomwithoutstretchedhandsandthelookofonewelcominganangel’svisit。ShesayshowdelightedsheistoseetheBores——howgooditwasofthemtocome。WhydidtheynotbringmoreBoreswiththem？WhereisnaughtyBorejunior？Whydoeshenevercometoseehernow？Shewillhavetobereallyangrywithhim。AndsweetlittleFlossieBore？Tooyoungtopaycalls！
Nonsense。An"AtHome"dayisnotworthhavingwherealltheBoresarenot。
TheBores，whohadhopedthatshewasout——whohaveonlycalledbecausetheetiquettebooktoldthemthattheymustcallatleastfourtimesintheseason，explainhowtheyhavebeentryingandtryingtocome。
"Thisafternoon，"recountsMrs。Bore，"weweredeterminedtocome。
’John，dear，’Isaidthismorning，’IshallgoandseedearMrs。
Bounderthisafternoon，nomatterwhathappens。’"
TheideaconveyedisthatthePrinceofWales，oncallingattheBores，wastoldthathecouldnotcomein。Hemightcallagainintheeveningorcomesomeotherday。
ThatafternoontheBoresweregoingtoenjoythemselvesintheirownway;theyweregoingtoseeMrs。Bounder。
"AndhowisMr。Bounder？"demandsMrs。Bore。
Mrs。Bounderremainsmuteforamoment，strainingherears。Shecanhearhimcreepingpastthedooronhiswaydownstairs。Shehearsthefrontdoorsoftlyopenedandclosed—to。Shewakes，asfromadream。
ShehasbeenthinkingofthesorrowthatwillfallonBounderwhenhereturnshomelaterandlearnswhathehasmissed。
Andthusitis，notonlywiththeBoresandBounders，butevenwithuswhoarenotBoresorBounders。Societyinallranksisfoundedonthemake—believethateverybodyischarming;thatwearedelightedtoseeeverybody;thateverybodyisdelightedtoseeus;thatitissogoodofeverybodytocome;thatwearedesolateatthethoughtthattheyreallymustgonow。
Whichwouldweratherdo——stopandfinishourcigarorhastenintothedrawing—roomtohearMissScreechersing？Canyouaskus？Wetumbleovereachotherinourhurry。MissScreecherwouldreallyrathernotsing;butifweinsist——Wedoinsist。MissScreecher，withprettyreluctance，consents。Wearecarefulnottolookatoneanother。Wesitwithoureyesfixedontheceiling。MissScreecherfinishes，andrises。
"Butitwassoshort，"wesay，sosoonaswecanbeheardabovetheapplause。IsMissScreecherquitesurethatwasthewholeofit？Orhasshebeenplayingtricksuponus，thenaughtylady，defraudingusofaverse？MissScreecherassuresusthatthefaultisthecomposer’s。Butsheknowsanother。Atthishint，ourfaceslightenagainwithgladness。Weclamourformore。
Ourhost’swineisalwaysthemostextraordinarywehaveevertasted。
No，notanotherglass;wedarenot——doctor’sorders，verystrict。
Ourhost’scigar！Wedidnotknowtheymadesuchcigarsinthisworkadayworld。No，wereallycouldnotsmokeanother。Well，ifhewillbesopressing，mayweputitinourpocket？Thetruthis，wearenotusedtohighsmoking。Ourhostess’scoffee！Wouldsheconfidetoushersecret？Thebaby！Wehardlytrustourselvestospeak。Theusualbaby——wehaveseenit。Asarule，tobecandid，wenevercoulddetectmuchbeautyinbabies——havealwaysheldtheusualgushaboutthemtobeinsincere。Butthisbaby！Wearealmostonthepointofaskingthemwheretheygotit。Itisjustthekindwewantedforourselves。LittleJanet’srecitation："AVisittotheDentist！"Hithertotheamateurreciterhasnotappealedtous。Butthisisgenius，surely。Sheoughttobetrainedforthestage。Hermotherdoesnotaltogetherapproveofthestage。Wepleadforthestage——thatitmaynotbedeprivedofsuchtalent。
Everybrideisbeautiful。Everybridelookscharminginasimplecostumeof——forfurtherparticularsseelocalpapers。Everymarriageisacauseforuniversalrejoicing。Withourwine—glassinourhandwepicturetheideallifeweknowtobeinstoreforthem。Howcanitbeotherwise？She，thedaughterofhermother。（Cheers。）He——
well，weallknowhim。（Morecheers。）Alsoinvoluntaryguffawfromill—regulatedyoungmanatendoftable，promptlysuppressed。
Wecarryourmake—believeevenintoourreligion。Wesitinchurch，andinvoicesswellingwithpride，mentiontotheAlmighty，atstatedintervals，thatwearemiserableworms——thatthereisnogoodinus。
Thissortofthing，wegather，isexpectedofus;itdoesusnoharm，andissupposedtoplease。
Wemake—believethateverywomanisgood，thateverymanishonest——
untiltheyinsistonforcingus，againstourwill，toobservethattheyarenot。Thenwebecomeveryangrywiththem，andexplaintothemthatthey，beingsinners，arenotfolkfittomixwithusperfectpeople。Ourgrief，whenourrichauntdies，ishardlytobeborne。Drapersmakefortunes，helpingustoexpressfeeblyourdesolation。Ouronlyconsolationisthatshehasgonetoabetterworld。
Everybodygoestoabetterworldwhentheyhavegotalltheycanoutofthisone。
Westandaroundtheopengraveandtelleachotherso。Theclergymanissoassuredofitthat，tosavetime，theyhavewrittenouttheformulaforhimandhaditprintedinalittlebook。Asachilditusedtosurpriseme——thisfactthateverybodywenttoheaven。
Thinkingofallthepeoplethathaddied，Ipicturedtheplaceovercrowded。AlmostIfeltsorryfortheDevil，nobodyevercominghisway，sotospeak。Isawhiminimagination，alonelyoldgentleman，sittingathisgatedayafterday，hopingagainsthope，mutteringtohimselfmaybethatithardlyseemedworthwhile，fromhispointofview，keepingtheshowopen。AnoldnursewhomIoncetookintomyconfidencewassure，ifIcontinuedtalkinginthissortofway，thathewouldgetmeanyhow。Imusthavebeenanevil—
heartedyoungster。Thethoughtofhowhewouldwelcomeme，theonlyhumanbeingthathehadseenforyears，hadacertainfascinationforme;foronceinmyexistenceIshouldbemadeafussabout。
Ateverypublicmeetingthechiefspeakerisalways"ajollygoodfellow。"ThemanfromMars，readingournewspapers，wouldbeconvincedthateveryMemberofParliamentwasajovial，kindly，high—
hearted，generous—souledsaint，withjustsufficienthumanityinhimtopreventtheangelsfromcarryinghimoffbodily。Donottheentireaudience，movedbyonecommonimpulse，declarehimthreetimesrunning，andinstentorianvoice，tobethis"jollygoodfellow"？Sosayallofthem。Wehavealwayslistenedwiththemostintensepleasuretothebrilliantspeechofourfriendwhohasjustsatdown。
Whenyouthoughtwewereyawning，weweredrinkinginhiseloquence，open—mouthed。
Thehigheroneascendsinthesocialscale，thewiderbecomesthisnecessarybaseofmake—believe。Whenanythingsadhappenstoaverybigperson，thelesserpeopleroundabouthimhardlycaretogoonliving。Seeingthattheworldissomewhatoverstockedwithpersonsofimportance，andthatsomethingoranothergenerallyishappeningtothem，onewonderssometimeshowitistheworldcontinuestoexist。
Onceuponatimethereoccurredanillnesstoacertaingoodandgreatman。Ireadinmydailypaperthatthewholenationwasplungedingrief。Peopledininginpublicrestaurants，onbeingtoldthenewsbythewaiter，droppedtheirheadsuponthetableandsobbed。Strangers，meetinginthestreet，flungtheirarmsaboutoneanotherandcriedlikelittlechildren。Iwasabroadatthetime，butonthepointofreturninghome。Ialmostfeltashamedtogo。I
lookedatmyselfintheglass，andwasshockedatmyownappearance：
itwasthatofamanwhohadnotbeenintroubleforweeks。Ifeltthattoburstuponthisgrief—strickennationwithacountenancesuchasminewouldbetoaddtotheirsorrow。ItwasborneinuponmethatImusthaveashallow，egotisticalnature。IhadhadluckwithaplayinAmerica，andforthelifeofmeIcouldnotlookgrief—
stricken。Thereweremomentswhen，ifIwasnotkeepingawatchovermyself，Ifoundmyselfwhistling。
HaditbeenpossibleIwouldhaveremainedabroadtillsomestrokeofill—fortunehadrenderedmemoreintunewithmyfellow—countrymen。
Butbusinesswaspressing。ThefirstmanItalkedtoonDoverpierwasaCustomsHouseofficial。Youmighthavethoughtsorrowwouldhavemadehimindifferenttoamerematterofforty—eightcigars。
Insteadofwhich，heappearedquitepleasedwhenhefoundthem。Hedemandedthree—and—fourpence，andchuckledwhenhegotit。OnDoverplatformalittlegirllaughedbecausealadydroppedahandboxonadog;butthenchildrenarealwayscallous——or，perhaps，shehadnotheardthenews。
Whatastonishedmemost，however，wastofindintherailwaycarriagearespectablelookingmanreadingacomicjournal。True，hedidnotlaughmuch：hehadgotdecencyenoughforthat;butwhatwasagrief—strickencitizendoingwithacomicjournal，anyhow？BeforeI
hadbeeninLondonanhourIhadcometotheconclusionthatweEnglishmustbeapeopleofwonderfulself—control。Thedaybefore，accordingtothenewspapers，thewholecountrywasinseriousdangerofpiningawayanddyingofabrokenheart。Inonedaythenationhadpulleditselftogether。"Wehavecriedallday，"theyhadsaidtothemselves，"wehavecriedallnight。Itdoesnotseemtohavedonemuchgood。Nowletusonceagaintakeuptheburdenoflife。"
Someofthem——Inoticeditinthehoteldining—roomthatevening——
weretakingquitekindlytotheirfoodagain。
Wemakebelieveaboutquiteseriousthings。Inwar，eachcountry’ssoldiersarealwaysthemostcourageousintheworld。Theothercountry’ssoldiersarealwaystreacherousandtricky;thatiswhytheysometimeswin。Literatureistheartofmake—believe。
"Nowallofyousitroundandthrowyourpenniesinthecap，"saystheauthor，"andIwillpretendthattherelivesinBayswaterayoungladynamedAngelina，whoisthemostbeautifulyoungladythateverexisted。AndinNottingHill，wewillpretend，thereresidesayoungmannamedEdwin，whoisinlovewithAngelina。"
Andthen，therebeingsufficientpenniesinthecap，theauthorstartsaway，andpretendsthatAngelinathoughtthisandsaidthat，andthatEdwindidallsortsofwonderfulthings。Weknowheismakingitallupashegoesalong。Weknowheismakingupjustwhathethinkswillpleaseus。He，ontheotherhand，hastomake—believethatheisdoingitbecausehecannothelpit，hebeinganartist。
Butweknowwellenoughthat，werewetostopthrowingthepenniesintothecap，hewouldfindoutprecioussoonthathecould。
Thetheatricalmanagerbangshisdrum。
"Walkup！walkup！"hecries，"wearegoingtopretendthatMrs。
Johnsonisaprincess，andoldmanJohnsonisgoingtopretendtobeapirate。Walkup，walkup，andbeintime！"
SoMrs。Johnson，pretendingtobeaprincess，comesoutofawobblythingthatweagreetopretendisacastle;andoldmanJohnson，pretendingtobeapirate，ispushedupanddownonanotherwobblythingthatweagreetopretendistheocean。Mrs。Johnsonpretendstobeinlovewithhim，whichweknowsheisnot。AndJohnsonpretendstobeaveryterribleperson;andMrs。Johnsonpretends，tilleleveno’clock，tobelieveit。Andwepayprices，varyingfromashillingtohalf—a—sovereign，tositfortwohoursandlistentothem。
ButasIexplainedatthebeginning，myfriendisamadsortofperson。
ISTHEAMERICANHUSBANDMADEENTIRELYOFSTAINEDGLASS。
IamgladIamnotanAmericanhusband。AtfirstsightthismayappeararemarkuncomplimentarytotheAmericanwife。Itisnothingofthesort。Itistheotherwayabout。We，inEurope，haveplentyofopportunityofjudgingtheAmericanwife。InAmericayouhearoftheAmericanwife，youaretoldstoriesabouttheAmericanwife，youseeherportraitintheillustratedjournals。Bysearchingundertheheading"ForeignIntelligence，"youcanfindoutwhatsheisdoing。
ButhereinEuropeweknowher，meetherfacetoface，talktoher，flirtwithher。Sheischarming，delightful。ThatiswhyIsayIamgladIamnotanAmericanhusband。IftheAmericanhusbandonlyknewhownicewastheAmericanwife，hewouldsellhisbusinessandcomeoverhere，wherenowandthenhecouldseeher。
Yearsago，whenIfirstbegantotravelaboutEurope，IarguedtomyselfthatAmericamustbeadeadlyplacetolivein。Howsaditis，Ithoughttomyself，tomeetthus，whereveronegoes，Americanwidowsbythethousand。Inonenarrowby—streetofDresdenI
calculatedfourteenAmericanmothers，possessingnine—and—twentyAmericanchildren，andnotafatheramongthem——notasinglehusbandamongthewholefourteen。Ipicturedfourteenlonelygraves，scatteredovertheUnitedStates。Isawasinavisionthosefourteenhead—stonesofbestmaterial，hand—carved，recordingthevirtuesofthosefourteendeadandburiedhusbands。
Odd，thoughtItomyself，decidedlyodd。TheseAmericanhusbands，theymustbeadelicatetypeofhumanity。Thewonderistheirmotherseverrearedthem。Theymarryfinegirls，themajorityofthem;twoorthreesweetchildrenareborntothem，andafterthatthereappearstobenofurtheruseforthem，asfarasthisworldisconcerned。Cannothingbedonetostrengthentheirconstitutions？
Wouldatonicbeofanyhelptothem？Notthecustomarytonic，I
don’tmean，thesortoftonicmerelyintendedtomakegoutyoldgentlemenfeeltheywanttobuyahoop，butthesortoftonicforwhichitwasclaimedthatthreedropspoureduponahamsandwichandthethingwouldbegintosqueak。
Itstruckmeaspathetic，thepictureoftheseAmericanwidowsleavingtheirnativeland，comingoverinshiploadstospendtherestoftheirblightedlivesinexile。ThemerethoughtofAmerica，I
tookit，hadforeverbecometothemdistasteful。Thegroundthatoncehisfeethadpressed！Theoldfamiliarplacesoncelightedbyhissmile！EverythinginAmericawouldremindthemofhim。
Snatchingtheirbabestotheirheavingbosomstheywouldleavethecountrywherelayburiedallthejoyoftheirlives，seekintheretirementofParis，FlorenceorVienna，oblivionofthepast。
Also，itstruckmeasbeautiful，thenobleresignationwithwhichtheyboretheirgrief，hidingtheirsorrowfromtheindifferentstranger。Somewidowsmakeafuss，goaboutforweekslookinggloomyanddepressed，makingnottheslightestefforttobemerry。Thesefourteenwidows——Iknewthempersonally，allofthem，Ilivedinthesamestreet——whatabraveshowofcheerfulnesstheyputon！WhatalessontothecommonorEuropeanwidow，thehumpytypeofwidow！Onecouldspendwholedaysintheircompany——Ihaddoneit——commencingquiteearlyinthemorningwithasleighingexcursion，finishingupquitelateintheeveningwithalittlesupperparty，followedbyanimpromptudance;andneverdetectfromtheiroutwardmannerthattheywerenotthoroughlyenjoyingthemselves。
FromthemothersIturnedmyadmiringeyestowardsthechildren。
ThisisthesecretofAmericansuccess，saidItomyself;thishigh—
spiritedcourage，thisSpartancontemptforsuffering。Lookatthem！
thegallantlittlemenandwomen。Whowouldthinkthattheyhadlostafather？Why，IhaveseenaBritishchildmoreupsetatlosingsixpence。
Talkingtoalittlegirloneday，Ienquiredofherconcerningthehealthofherfather。ThenextmomentIcouldhavebittenmytongueout，rememberingthattherewasn’tsuchathingasafather——notanAmericanfather——inthewholestreet。Shedidnotburstintotearsastheydointhestory—books。Shesaid：
"Heisquitewell，thankyou，"simply，pathetically，justlikethat。
"Iamsureofit，"Irepliedwithfervour，"wellandhappyashedeservestobe，andonedayyouwillfindhimagain;youwillgotohim。"
"Ah，yes，"sheanswered，ashininglight，itseemedtome，uponherfairyoungface。"Mommasayssheisgettingjustabittiredofthisone—horsesortofplace。Sheisquitelookingforwardtoseeinghimagain。"
Ittouchedmeverydeeply：thiswearywoman，tiredofherlongbereavement，actuallylookingforwardtothefearsomepassageleadingtowhereherlovedonewaitedforherinabetterland。
ForonebrightbreezycreatureIgrewtofeelarealregard。AllthemonthsthatIhadknownher，seenheralmostdaily，neveroncehadI
heardasinglecryofpainescapeherlips，neveroncehadIheardhercursingfate。Ofthemanywhocalleduponherinhercharmingflat，notonehadever，tomyknowledge，offeredherconsolationorcondolence。Itseemedtomecruel，callous。Theover—burdenedheart，findingnooutletforitsimprisonedgrief，findingnosympatheticearintowhichtopouritstaleofwoe，breaks，wearetold;anyhow，itisn’tgoodforit。Idecided——nooneelseseemingkeen——thatIwouldsupplythatsympatheticear。TheverynexttimeI
foundmyselfalonewithherIintroducedthesubject。
"YouhavebeenlivinghereinDresdenalongtime，haveyounot？"I
asked。
"Aboutfiveyears，"sheanswered，"onandoff。"
"Andallalone，"Icommented，withasighintendedtoinvitetoconfidence。
"Well，hardlyalone，"shecorrectedme，whilealookofpatientresignationaddeddignitytoherpiquantfeatures。"Yousee，therearethedearchildrenalwaysroundaboutme，duringtheholidays。"
"Besides，"sheadded，"thepeopleherearerealkindtome;theyhardlyeverletmefeelmyselfalone。Wemakeuplittleparties，youknow，picnicsandexcursions。Andthen，ofcourse，thereistheOperaandtheSymphonyConcerts，andthesubscriptiondances。Thedearoldkinghasbeendoingagooddealthiswinter，too;andImustsaytheEmbassyfolkshavebeenmostthoughtful，sofarasIamconcerned。No，itwouldnotberightformetocomplainofloneliness，notnowthatIhavegottoknowafewpeople，asitwere。"
"Butdon’tyoumissyourhusband？"Isuggested。
Acloudpassedoverherusuallysunnyface。"Oh，pleasedon’ttalkofhim，"shesaid，"itmakesmefeelrealsad，thinkingabouthim。"
Buthavingcommenced，Iwasdeterminedthatmysympathyshouldnotbelefttowaste。
"Whatdidhedieof？"Iasked。
ShegavemealookthepathosofwhichIshallneverforget。
"Say，youngman，"shecried，"areyoutryingtobreakittomegently？Becauseifso，I’dratheryoutoldmestraightout。Whatdidhedieof？"
"Thenisn’thedead？"Iasked，"Imeansofarasyouknow。"
"Neverheardawordabouthisbeingdeadtillyoustartedtheidea，"
sheretorted。"SofarasIknowhe’saliveandwell。"
IsaidthatIwassorry。IwentontoexplainthatIdidnotmeanI
wassorrytohearthatinallprobabilityhewasaliveandwell。
WhatImeantwasIwassorryIhadintroducedapainfulsubject。
"What’sapainfulsubject？"
"Why，yourhusband，"Ireplied。
"Butwhyshouldyoucallhimapainfulsubject？"
Ihadanideashewasgettingangrywithme。Shedidnotsayso。I
gatheredit。ButIhadtoexplainmyselfsomehow。
"Well，"Ianswered，"Itakeit，youdidn’tgetonwelltogether，andIamsureitmusthavebeenhisfault。"
"Nowlookhere，"shesaid，"don’tyoubreatheawordagainstmyhusbandorweshallquarrel。Anicer，dearerfellowneverlived。"
"Thenwhatdidyoudivorcehimfor？"Iasked。Itwasimpertinent，itwasunjustifiable。MyexcuseisthatthemysterysurroundingtheAmericanhusbandhadbeenworryingmeformonths。HerehadI
stumbledupontheopportunityofsolvingit。InstinctivelyIclungtomyadvantage。
"Therehasn’tbeenanydivorce，"shesaid。"Thereisn’tgoingtobeanydivorce。You’llmakemecrossinanotherminute。"
ButIwasbecomingreckless。"Heisnotdead。Youarenotdivorcedfromhim。Whereishe？"Idemandedwithsomeheat。
"Whereishe？"shereplied，astonished。Whereshouldhebe？Athome，ofcourse。"Ilookedaroundtheluxuriously—furnishedroomwithitsairofcosycomfort，ofsubstantialrestfulness。
"Whathome？"Iasked。
"Whathome！Why，ourhome，inDetroit。"
"Whatishedoingthere？"Ihadbecomesomuchinearnestthatmyvoicehadassumedunconsciouslyanauthoritativetone。Presumably，ithypnotisedher，forsheansweredmyquestionsasthoughshehadbeeninthewitness—box。
"HowdoIknow？HowcanIpossiblytellyouwhatheisdoing？Whatdopeopleusuallydoathome？"
"Answerthequestions，madam，don’taskthem。Whatareyoudoinghere？Quitetruthfully，ifyouplease。"Myeyeswerefixeduponher。
"Enjoyingmyself。Helikesmetoenjoymyself。Besides，Iameducatingthechildren。"
"Youmeantheyarehereatboarding—schoolwhileyouaregaddingabout。WhatiswrongwithAmericaneducation？Whendidyouseeyourhusbandlast？"
"Last？Letmesee。No，lastChristmasIwasinBerlin。ItmusthavebeentheChristmasbefore，Ithink。"
"Ifheisthedearkindfellowyousayheis，howisityouhaven’tseenhimfortwoyears？"
"Because，asItellyou，heisathome，inDetroit。HowcanIseehimwhenIamhereinDresdenandheisinDetroit？Youdoaskfoolishquestions。Hemeanstotryandcomeoverinthesummer，ifhecansparethetime，andthen，ofcourse—
"Answermyquestions，please。I’vespokentoyouonceaboutit。Doyouthinkyouareperformingyourdutyasawife，enjoyingyourselfinDresdenandBerlinwhileyourhusbandisworkinghardinDetroit？"
"Hewasquitewillingformetocome。TheAmericanhusbandisagoodfellowwholikeshiswifetoenjoyherself。"
"IamnotaskingforyourviewsontheAmericanhusband。IamaskingyourviewsontheAmericanwife——onyourself。TheAmericanhusbandappearstobeasortofstained—glasssaint，andyouAmericanwivesareimposinguponhim。Itisdoingyounogood，anditwon’tgoonforever。TherewillcomeadaywhentheAmericanhusbandwillwakeuptothefactheismakingafoolofhimself，andbyover—
indulgence，over—devotion，turningtheAmericanwomanintoaheartless，selfishcreature。WhatsortofahomedoyouthinkitisinDetroit，withyouandthechildrenoverhere？Tellme，istheAmericanhusbandmadeentirelyofdrivensnow，withblooddistilledfrommoonbeams，orishecomposedoftheordinaryingredients？
Because，ifthelatter，youtakemyadviceandgetbackhome。ItakeitthatinAmerica，proper，therearemillionsofrealhomeswherethewomandoesherdutyandplaysthegame。ButalsoitisquitecleartherearethousandsofhomesinAmerica，mereechoingrooms，wherethemanwalksbyhimself，hiswifeandchildrenscatteredoverEurope。Itisn’tgoingtowork，itisn’trightthatitshouldwork。"
"Youtaketheadviceofasincerefriend。Packup——youandthechildren——andgethome。"
Ileft。Itwasgrowinglate。Ifeltitwastimetoleave。WhethershetookmycounselIcannotsay。IonlyknowthattherestillremaininEuropeagoodlynumberofAmericanwivestowhomitisapplicable。
DOESTHEYOUNGMANKNOWEVERYTHINGWORTHKNOWING？
IamtoldthatAmericanprofessorsare"mourningthelackofideals"
atColumbiaUniversity——possiblyalsoatotheruniversitiesscatteredthroughtheUnitedStates。IfitbeanyconsolationtothesemourningAmericanprofessors，Icanassurethemthattheydonotmournalone。IlivenotfarfromOxford，andenjoytheadvantageofoccasionallylisteningtothejeremiadsofEnglishUniversityprofessors。MorethanonceaGermanprofessorhasdonemethehonourtoemploymeasanobjectonwhichtosharpenhisEnglish。HealsohasmournedsimilarlackofidealsatHeidelberg，atBonn。Youthisyouthalltheworldover;ithasitsownideals;theyarenotthoseoftheUniversityprofessor。Theexplanationistolerablysimple。
Youthisyoung，andtheUniversityprofessor，generallyspeaking，ismiddle—aged。
Icansympathisewiththemourningprofessor。I，inmytime，havesufferedlikedespair。Irememberthedaysowell;itwasmytwelfthbirthday。IrecalltheunholyjoywithwhichIreflectedthatforthefuturemyunfortunateparentswouldbecalledupontopayformefullrailwayfare;itmarkedadecidedsteptowardsmanhood。Iwasnowinmyteens。Thatveryafternoontherecametovisitusarelativeofours。Shebroughtwithherthreesmallchildren：agirl，agedsix;aprecious，golden—hairedthinginalacecollarthatcalleditselfaboy，agedfive;andathirdstillsmallercreature，itmighthavebeenmale，itmighthavebeenfemale;Icouldnothavetoldyouatthetime，Icannottellyounow。Thiscollectionofatomswashandedovertome。
"Now，showyourselfaman，"saidmydearmother，"rememberyouareinyourteens。Takethemoutforawalkandamusethem;andmindnothinghappenstothem。"
TothechildrenthemselvestheirownmothergaveinstructionsthattheyweretodoeverythingthatItoldthem，andnottoteartheirclothesormakethemselvesuntidy。Thesedirections，eventomyself，atthetime，appearedcontradictory。ButIsaidnothing。Andoutintothewildsthefourofusdeparted。
Iwasanonlychild。Myowninfancyhadpassedfrommymemory。Tome，attwelve，theideasofsixwereasincomprehensibleasarethoseoftwentytotheUniversityprofessorofforty。Iwantedtobeapirate。Roundthecornerandacrosstheroadbuildingoperationswereinprogress。Planksandpoleslayreadytoone’shand。Nature，intheneighbourhood，hadplacedconvenientlyashallowpond。ItwasSaturdayafternoon。Thenearestpublic—housewasamileaway。
ImmunityfrominterferencebytheBritishworkmanwasthusassured。
Itoccurredtomethatbyplacingmythreedepressedlookingrelativesononeraft，attackingthemmyselffromanother，takingtheeldestgirl’ssixpenceawayfromher，disablingtheirraft，andleavingthemtodriftwithoutarudder，innocentamusementwouldbeprovidedforhalfanhouratleast。
Theydidnotwanttoplayatpirates。Atfirstsightofthepondthethingthatcalleditselfaboybegantocry。Thesix—year—oldladysaidshedidnotlikethesmellofit。NotevenafterIhadexplainedthegametothemweretheyanythemoreenthusiasticforit。
IproposedRedIndians。Theycouldgotosleepintheunfinishedbuildinguponasackoflime，Iwouldcreepupthroughthegrass，setfiretothehouse，anddanceroundit，whoopingandwavingmytomahawk，watchingwithfiendishdelightthefranticbutfutileeffortsofthepalefacestoescapetheirdoom。
Itdidnot"catchon"——noteventhat。Thepreciousthinginthelacecollarbegantocryagain。ThecreatureconcerningwhomIcouldnothavetoldyouwhetheritwasmaleorfemalemadenoattemptatargument，butstartedtorun;itseemedtohavetakenadisliketothisparticularfield。Itstumbledoverascaffoldingpole，andthenitalsobegantocry。Whatcouldonedotoamusesuchpeople？I
leftittothemtoproposesomething。Theythoughttheywouldliketoplayat"Mothers"——notinthisfield，butinsomeotherfield。
Theeldestgirlwouldbemother。Theothertwowouldrepresentherchildren。Theyhadbeentakensuddenlyill。"Waterworks，"asIhadchristenedhim，wastoholdhishandstohismiddleandgroan。Hisfacebrightenedupatthesuggestion。Thenondescripthadthetoothache。Ittookupitspartwithoutamoment’shesitation，andsettoworktoscream。Icouldbethedoctorandlookattheirtongues。
Thatwastheir"ideal"game。AsIhavesaid，rememberingthatafternoon，IcansympathisewiththeUniversityprofessormourningtheabsenceofUniversityidealsinyouth。Possiblyatsixmyownidealgamemayhavebeen"Mothers。"LookingbackfromthepileofbirthdaysuponwhichInowstand，itoccurstomethatveryprobablyitwas。Butfromtheperspectiveoftwelve，thereflectionthattherewerebeingsintheworldwhocouldfindrecreationinsuchfoolingsaddenedme。
Eightyearslater，hisfathernotbeingabletoaffordthetime，I
conductedMaster"Waterworks，"nowahealthy，uninteresting，gawkylad，toaschoolinSwitzerland。ItwasmyfirstContinentaltrip。
Ishouldhaveenjoyeditbetterhadhenotbeenwithme。HethoughtParisa"beastlyhole。"HedidnotsharemyadmirationfortheFrenchwoman;heeventhoughtherbadlydressed。
"Whyshe’ssotiedup，shecan’twalkstraight，"wastheonlyimpressionsheleftuponhim。
Wechangedthesubject;itirritatedmetohearhimtalk。ThebeautifulJuno—likecreatureswecameacrossfurtheroninGermany，hesaidweretoofat。Hewantedtoseethemrun。Ifoundhimutterlysoulless。
Toexpectaboytolovelearningandcultureislikeexpectinghimtopreferoldvintageclarettogooseberrywine。Cultureforthemajorityisanacquiredtaste。Speakingpersonally，IamentirelyinagreementwiththeUniversityprofessor。Ifindknowledge，promptingtoobservationandleadingtoreflection，themostsatisfactoryluggagewithwhichatravellerthroughlifecanprovidehimself。I
wouldthatIhadmoreofit。Tobeabletoenjoyapictureisofmoreadvantagethantobeabletobuyit。
AllthattheUniversityprofessorcanurgeinfavourofidealismIampreparedtoendorse。ButthenIam——letussay，thirty—nine。Atfourteenmycandidopinionwasthathewastalking"rot。"Ilookedattheoldgentlemanhimself——anarrow—chested，spectacledoldgentleman，wholivedupabystreet。Hedidnotseemtohavemuchfunofanysort。Itwasnotmyideal。HetoldmethingshadbeenwritteninalanguagecalledGreekthatIshouldenjoyreading，butI
hadnotevenreadallCaptainMarryat。ThereweretalesbySirWalterScottand"JackHarkaway’sSchooldays！"IfeltIcouldwaitawhile。TherewasachapcalledAristophaneswhohadwrittencomedies，satirisingthepoliticalinstitutionsofacountrythathaddisappearedtwothousandyearsago。Isay，withoutshame，DruryLanepantomimeandBarnum’sCircuscalledtomemorestrongly。
Wishingtogivetheoldgentlemanachance，Idippedintotranslations。SomeoftheseoldfellowswerenotasbadasIhadimaginedthem。ApartynamedHomerhadwrittensomereallyinterestingstuff。Hereandthere，maybe，hewasabitlong—winded，but，takinghimasawhole，therewas"go"inhim。Therewasanotherofthem——Ovidwashisname。Hecouldtellastory，Ovidcould。Hehadimagination。Hewasalmostasgoodas"RobinsonCrusoe。"I
thoughtitwouldpleasemyprofessor，tellinghimthatIwasreadingthese，hisfavouriteauthors。
"Readingthem！"hecried，"butyoudon’tknowGreekorLatin。"
"ButIknowEnglish，"Ianswered;"theyhaveallbeentranslatedintoEnglish。Younevertoldmethat！"
Itappeareditwasnotthesamething。Thereweresubtledelicaciesofdictionboundtoescapeeventhebesttranslator。ThesesubtledelicaciesofdictionIcouldenjoyonlybydevotingthenextsevenoreightyearsofmylifetothestudyofGreekandLatin。ItwillgrievetheUniversityprofessortohearit，buttheenjoymentofthosesubtledelicaciesofdictiondidnotappeartome——Iwasonlyfourteenatthetime，pleaseremember——tobeworththetimeandtrouble。
Theboyismateriallyinclined——themourningAmericanprofessorhasdiscoveredit。Ididnotwanttobeanidealistlivingupabackstreet。Iwantedtoliveinthebiggesthouseinthebeststreetofthetown。Iwantedtorideahorse，wearafurcoat，andhaveasmuchtoeatanddrinkaseverIliked。Iwantedtomarrythemostbeautifulwomanintheworld，tohavemynameinthenewspaper，andtoknowthateverybodywasenvyingme。
Mournoverit，mydearprofessor，asyouwill——thatistheidealofyouth;and，solongashumannatureremainswhatitis，willcontinuetobeso。Itisamaterialisticideal——asordidideal。Maybeitisnecessary。Maybetheworldwouldnotmovemuchiftheyoungmenstartedthinkingtooearly。Theywanttoberich，sotheyflingthemselvesfrenziedlyintothestruggle。Theybuildthetowns，andmaketherailwaytracks，hewdowntheforests，digtheoreoutoftheground。Therecomesadaywhenitisborneinuponthemthattryingtogetrichisapoorsortofgame——thatthereisonlyonethingmoretiresomethanbeingamillionaire，andthatistryingtobeamillionaire。But，meanwhile，theworldhasgotitsworkdone。
TheAmericanprofessorfearsthattheartisticdevelopmentofAmericaleavesmuchtobedesired。Ifeartheartisticdevelopmentofmostcountriesleavesmuchtobedesired。WhytheAtheniansthemselvessandwichedtheirdramabetweenwrestlingcompetitionsandboxingbouts。TheplaysofSophocles，orEuripides，weregivenas"sideshows。"Thechiefitemsofthefairwerethegamesandraces。
Besides，Americaisstillayoungman。Ithasbeenbusy"gettingonintheworld。"Ithasnotyetquitefinished。YettherearesignsthatyoungAmericaisapproachingthethirty—nines。Heisfindingalittletime，alittlemoneytospareforart。OnecanalmosthearyoungAmerica——notquitesoyoungashewas——sayingtoMrs。Europeasheentersandclosestheshopdoor：
"Well，ma’am，hereIam，andmaybeyou’llbegladtohearI’vealittlemoneytospend。Yes，ma’am，I’vefixedthingsallrightacrossthewater;weshan’tstarve。Sonow，ma’am，youandIcanhaveachatconcerningthisartI’vebeenhearingsomuchabout。
Let’shavealookatit，ma’am，trotitout，anddon’tyoubeafraidofputtingafairpriceuponit。"
IaminclinedtothinkthatMrs。EuropehasnothesitatedtoputagoodpriceupontheartshehassoldtoUncleSam。IamafraidMrs。
Europehasoccasionally"unloaded"onUncleSam。Italkedtoacertaindealeroneafternoon，nowmanyyearsago，attheUwantitClub。
"Whatisthenextpicturelikelytobemissing？"Iaskedhiminthecourseofgeneralconversation。
"ThomelittlethingofHoppner’th，ifitmuthtbe，"herepliedwithconfidence。
"Hoppner，"Imurmured，"Iseemtohaveheardthename。"
"Yeth;you’llhearitabitoftenerduringthenexteighteenmonthortho。Youtakecareyoudon’tgettiredofhearingit，thathall，"helaughed。"Yeth，"hecontinued，thoughtfully，"Reynoldthithplayedout。NothingmuchtobemadeofGainthborough，either。Dealinginthatlotnow，why，it’thlikekeepingapothtoffith。Hoppner’ththecomingman。"
"You’vebeenbuyingHoppnersupcheap，"Isuggested。
"Betweenuth，"heanswered，"yeth，Ithinkwe’vegotthemall。Maybeafewmore。Idon’tthinkwe’vemithedany。"
"Youwillsellthemformorethanyougaveforthem，"Ihinted。
"You’rethmart，"heanswered，regardingmeadmiringly，"youtheethrougheverythingyoudo。"
"Howdoyouworkit？"Iaskedhim。Thereisatimeinthedaywhenheisconfidential。"Hereisthisman，Hoppner。Itakeitthatyouhaveboughthimupatanaverageofahundredpoundsapicture，andthatatthatpricemostownerswerefairlygladtosell。Fewfolksoutsidetheartschoolshaveeverheardofhim。Ibetthatatthepresentmomentthereisn’toneartcriticwhocouldspellhisnamewithoutreferencetoadictionary。Ineighteenmonthsyouwillbesellinghimforanythingfromonethousandtotenthousandpounds。
Howisitdone？"
"Howitheverythingdonethat’thdonewell？"heanswered。"Byearnethteffort。"Hehitchedhischairnearertome，"Igetachap——
oneofyourthortofchapth——hewrit’thanarticleaboutHoppner。I
getanothertoanthwerhim。BeforeI’vedonethere’llbeahundredarticlethaboutHoppner——hithlife，hithearlythruggie，anecdo’thabouthithwife。ThenaHoppnerwillbetholdatpublicauchtionforathouthandguineath。"
"Buthowcanyoubecertainitwillfetchathousandguineas？"I
interrupted。
"Ihappentoknowthemanwhothgoingtobuyit。"Hewinked，andI
understood。
"Afortnightlatertherewillbeathaleofhalf—a—dothen，andtheprithewillbegoneupbythattime。"
"Andafterthat？"Isaid。
"Afterthat，"hereplied，rising，"theAmericanmillionaire！He’lljuthtbewaitingonthedoor—thtepforthethale—roomtoopen。"
"IfbyanychanceIcomeacrossaHoppner？"Isaid，laughing，asI
turnedtogo。
"Don’tyouholdontoittoolong，that’thall，"washisadvice。
HOWMANYCHARMSHATHMUSIC，WOULDYOUSAY？
TheargumentofthelateHerrWagnerwasthatgrandopera——themusicdrama，ashecalledit——included，andthereforedidawaywiththenecessityfor——allotherarts。Musicinallitsbranches，ofcourse，itprovides：somuchIwillconcedetothelateHerrWagner。Therearetimes，Iconfess，whenmymusicalyearningsmightshockthelateHerrWagner——timeswhenIfeelunequaltofollowingthreedistinctthemesatoneandthesameinstant。
"Listen，"whisperstheWagnerianenthusiasttome，"thecornethasnowtheBrunnhildamotive。"Itseemstome，inmythenstateofdepravity，asifthecornethadevenmorethanthisthematterwithhim。
"Thesecondviolins，"continuestheWagnerianenthusiast，"arecarryingontheWotantheme。"Thattheyarecarryingongoeswithoutsaying：theplayers’facesarestreamingwithperspiration。
"Thebrass，"explainsmyfriend——hisobjectistocultivatemyear——
"isaccompanyingthesingers。"Ishouldhavesaiddrowningthem。
ThereareoccasionswhenIcanraveaboutWagnerwiththebestofthem。Highclassmoodscometoallofus。Thedifferencebetweenthereallyhigh—classmananduscommonplace，workadaymenisthedifferencebetween，say，theeagleandthebarnyardchicken。Iamthebarnyardchicken。Ihavemywings。ThereareecstaticmomentswhenIfeelIwanttospurnthesordidearthandsoarintotherealmsofart。Idoflyalittle，butmybodyisheavy，andIonlygetasfarasthefence。AfterawhileIfinditlonesomeonthefence，andIhopdownagainamongmyfellows。
ListeningtoWagner，duringsuchtemporaryPhilistinicmood，mysenseoffairplayisoutraged。Alone，lornwomanstandsuponthestagetryingtomakeherselfheard。Shehastodothissortofthingforherliving;maybeaninvalidmother，youngerbrothersandsistersaredependentuponher。Onehundredandfortymen，allarmedwithpowerfulinstruments，well—organised，andmostofthemlookingwell—
fed，combinetomakeitimpossibleforasinglenoteofthatpoorwoman’svoicetobeheardabovetheirdin。Iseeherstandingthere，openingandshuttinghermouth，gettingredderandredderintheface。Sheissinging，onefeelssureofit;onecouldhearherifonlythoseonehundredandfortymenwouldeaseupforaminute。Shemakesonemighty，supremeeffort;abovethebangingofthedrums，theblareofthetrumpets，theshriekingofthestrings，thatlastdespairingnoteisdistinctlyheard。
Shehaswon，butthevictoryhascostherdear。Shesinksdownfaintingonthestageandiscarriedoffbysupers。Chivalrousindignationhasmadeitdifficultformetokeepmyseatwatchingtheunequalcontest。Myinstinctwastoleapthebarrier，hurlthebald—
headedchiefofherenemiesfromhishighchair，andlayaboutmewiththetromboneortheclarionet——whichevermighthavecometheeasiertomysnatch。
"Youcowardlylotofbullies，"Ihavewantedtocry，"areyounotashamedofyourselves？Ahundredandfortyofyouagainstone，andthatoneastillbeautifuland，comparativelyspeaking，younglady。
Bequietforaminute——can’tyou？Givethepoorgirlachance。"
AladyofmyacquaintancesaysthatsittingoutaWagnerianoperaseemstoherlikelisteningtoasingeraccompaniedbyfourorchestrasplayingdifferenttunesatthesametime。AsIhavesaid，therearetimeswhenWagnercarriesmealongwithhim，whenIexultinthecrashandwhirlofhiscontendingharmonies。But，alas！therearethoseothermoods——thoseafterdinnermoods——whenmydesireisforsomethingdistinctlyresemblingatune。Still，thereareothercomposersofgrandoperabesidesWagner。IgranttothelateHerrWagner，that，insofarasmusicisconcerned，operacansupplyuswithallwecanneed。
ButitwasalsoWagner’sargumentthatgrandoperacouldsupplyuswithacting，andthereIamcompelledtodisagreewithhim。Wagnerthoughtthattheartsofactingandsingingcouldbecombined。I
haveseenartiststhegreatmanhastrainedhimself。Assingerstheyleftnothingtobedesired，buttheactingingrandoperahasneveryetimpressedme。Wagnerneversucceededinavoidingtheoperaticconventionandnobodyelseeverwill。Whentheoperaticlovermeetshissweetheartheputsherinacornerand，turninghisbackuponher，comesdowntothefootlightsandtellstheaudiencehowheadoresher。Whenhehasfinished，he，inhisturn，retiresintothecorner，andshecomesdownandtellstheaudiencethatsheissimplymadabouthim。
Overcomewithjoyatfindingshereallycaresforhim，hecomesdownrightandsaysthatthisisthehappiestmomentofhislife;andshestandsleft，twelvefeetawayfromhim，andhasthepresentimentthatallthissortofthingismuchtoogoodtolast。Theygoofftogether，backwards，sidebyside。Ifthereisanylove—making，suchasIunderstandbytheterm，itisdone"off。"Thisisnotmyideaofacting。ButIdonotseehowyouaregoingtosubstituteforitanythingmorenatural。Whenyouaresingingatthetopofyourvoice，youdon’twantaheavywomanhangingroundyourneck。Whenyouarekillingamanandwarblingaboutitatthesametime，youdon’twanthimfoolingaroundyoudefendinghimself。Youwanthimtohavealittlereasonablepatience，andtowaitinhisproperplacetillyouhavefinished，tellinghim，orrathertellingthecrowd，howmuchyouhateanddespisehim。
Whenthepropertimecomes，andifheiswhereyouexpecttofindhimwhilethinkingofyourupperC，youwillhithimlightlyontheshoulderwithyoursword，andthenhecandietohisownparticulartune。Ifyouhavebeenseverelywoundedinbattle，orinanyothersortofrow，andhavegottosingalongballadbeforeyoufinallyexpire，youdon’twanttohavetothinkhowamanwouldreallybehavewhoknewhehadonlygotafewminutestoliveandwasfeelingbadaboutit。Thechancesarethathewouldnotwanttosingatall。
Thewomanwhoreallylovedhimwouldnotencouragehimtosing。Shewouldwanthimtokeepquietwhileshemovedherselfaboutabit，incasetherewasanythingthatcouldbedoneforhim。
Ifamobisclimbingthestairsthirstingforyourblood，youdonotwanttostanduprightwithyourarmsstretchedout，agoodeighteeninchesfromthedoor，whileyougooveratsomelengththevariedincidentsleadinguptotheannoyance。Ifyourdesireweretoactnaturallyyouwouldpushagainstthatdoorforallyouwereworth，andyellforsomebodytobringyouachestofdrawersandabedstead，andthingslikethat，topileupagainstit。Ifyouwereaking，andweregivingaparty，youwouldnotwantyourgueststofixyouupattheotherendoftheroomandleaveyouthere，withnobodytotalktobutyourownwife，whiletheyturnedtheirbacksuponyou，andhadalongandcomplicateddancealltothemselves。Youwouldwanttobeinit;youwouldwanttoletthemknowthatyouwereking。
Inacting，alltheselittlepointshavetobeconsidered。Inopera，everythingisrightlysacrificedtomusicalnecessity。Ihaveseentheyoung，enthusiasticopera—singerwhothoughtthatheorshecouldactandsingatthesametime。Theexperiencedartisttakesthecentreofthestageandhusbandshisresources。Whetherheissupposedtobeindignantbecausesomebodyhaskilledhismother，orcheerfulbecauseheisgoingouttofighthiscountry’sfoes，whoareonlywaitinguntilhehasfinishedsingingtoattackthetown，heleavesittothecomposertomakeclear。
AlsoitwasHerrWagner’sideathatthebackclothwouldleavetheopera—goerindifferenttothepicturegallery。Thecastleontherock，accessibleonlybyballoon，inwhicheverywindowlightsupsimultaneouslyandinstantaneously，oneminuteaftersunset，whilethefullmoonisrushinguptheskyatthepaceofachampioncomet——
thatwonderfulseathatsuddenlyopensandswallowsuptheship——
thosesnow—cladmountains，overwhichtheshadowoftheheropasseslikeathreateningcloud——thegrandoldchateau，tremblinginthewind——whatneed，willasktheopera—goerofthefuture，ofyourTurnersandyourCorots，when，forpricesrangingfromashillingupwards，wecanhaveadozenpicturessuchastheserolledupanddownbeforeuseveryevening？
ButperhapsthemostdaringhopeofallwasthedreamthatcametoHerrWagnerthathisoperasingers，hisgroupedchoruses，wouldeventuallysatisfythecravingofthepublicforhighclassstatuary。
Iamnotquitesurethegeneralpublicdoescareforstatuary。IdonotknowwhethertheideahaseveroccurredtotheAnarchist，but，wereImyselforganisingsecretcommitteemeetingsforunholypurposes，Ishouldinvitemycomradestomeetinthatsectionofthelocalmuseumdevotedtostatuary。Icanconceiveofnoplacewhereweshouldbefreerfrompryingeyesandlisteningears。Aselectfew，however，doappreciatestatuary;andsuch，Iaminclinedtothink，willnotbeweanedfromtheirpassionbythecontemplationoftheoperasingerinhisorhervariousquaintcostumes。
AndevenifthetenoralwayssatisfiedouridealofApollo，andthesopranowerealwaysassylph—likeassheisdescribedinthelibretto，eventhenIshoulddoubttheaverageoperaticchorusbeingregardedbytheconnoisseurasacheapandpleasantsubstituteforabasrelieffromtheElginmarbles。Thegreatthingrequiredofthatoperaticchorusisexperience。Theyoungandgiddy—patedthechorusmasterhasnousefor。Thesober，honest，industriousladyorgentleman，withaknowledgeofmusicisveryproperlyhisideal。
WhatIadmireaboutthechoruschieflyisitsunity。Thewholevillagedressesexactlyalike。Inwicked，worldlyvillagesthereisrivalry，leadingtoheartburnandjealously。Oneladycomesoutsuddenly，on，say，aBankHoliday，inafetchingbluethatconquerseverymaleheart。Nextholidayherrivalcutsheroutwithagreenhat。Intheoperaticvillageitmustbethatthegirlsgathertogetherbeforehandtoarrangethisthing。Thereisprobablyameetingcalled。
"ThedearCount’swedding，"announcesthechairwoman，"youwillallbepleasedtohear，hasbeenfixedforthefourteenth，ateleveno’clockinthemorning。Theentirevillagewillbeassembledatten—
thirtytoawaitthereturnofthebridalcortegefromthechurch，andofferitsfelicitations。Marriedladies，will，ofcourse，comeaccompaniedbytheirhusbands。Unmarriedladiesmusteachbringamalepartnerasneartheirownheightaspossible。Fortunately，inthisvillagethenumberofmalesisexactlyequaltothatoffemales，sothatthepictureneednotbespoiled。Thechildrenwillorganisethemselvesintoanindependentbodyandwillgroupthemselvespicturesquely。Ithasbeenthoughtadvisable，"continuesthechairwoman，"thatthevillageshouldmeetthedearCountandhisbrideatsomespotnottoofarremovedfromthelocalalehouse。Thecostumetobewornbytheladieswillconsistofashortpinkskirtterminatingatthekneesandornamentedwithfestoonsofflowers;
abovewillbewornaboleroinmauvesilkwithoutsleevesandcutdecollete。Theshoesshouldbeofyellowsatinoverflesh—colouredstockings。Ladieswhoare’out’willwearpearlnecklaces，andasimpledeviceinemeraldstodecoratethehair。ThankGod，wecanallofusaffordit，andprovidedtheweatherholdsupandnothingunexpectedhappens——heisnotwhatIcallaluckyman，ourCount，anditisalwaysaswelltobepreparedforpossibilities——well，Ithinkwemaylookforwardtoareallypleasantday。"
Itcannotbedone，HerrWagner，believeme。Youcannotsubstitutethemusicdramaforalltheartscombined。Theobjecttobeaimedatbythewisecomposershouldbetomakeus，whilelisteningtohismusic，forgetfulofallremainingartisticconsiderations。
THEWHITEMAN’SBURDEN！NEEDITBESOHEAVY？
ItisadelightfulstrollonasunnysummermorningfromtheHaguetotheHuistenBosch，thelittle"houseinthewood，"builtforPrincessAmalia，widowofStadtholterFrederickHenry，underwhomHollandescapedfinallyfromthebondageofherfoesandenteredintothepromisedlandofLiberty。Leavingthequietstreets，thetree—
borderedcanals，withtheircreepingbarges，youpassthroughapleasantpark，wherethesoft—eyeddeerpressroundyou，hurtandindignantifyouhavebroughtnothinginyourpocket——notevenapieceofsugar——toofferthem。Itisnotthattheyaregrasping——itisthewantofattentionthatwoundsthem。
"Ithoughthewasagentleman，"theyseemtobesayingtooneanother，ifyouglanceback，"helookedlikeagentleman。"
Theirmildeyeshauntyou;onthenextoccasionyoudonotforget。
TheParkmergesintotheforest;yougobywindingwaystillyoureachthetrimDutchgarden，moat—encircled，inthecentreofwhichstandstheprimold—fashionedvilla，which，tothesimpleDutchman，appearsapalace。Theconcierge，anoldsoldier，bowslowtoyouandintroducesyoutohiswife——astately，white—haireddame，whotalksmostlanguagesalittle，sofarasrelatestoallthingswithinandappertainingtothistinypalaceofthewood。Tothingswithout，beyondthewood，herpowersofconversationdonotextend：
apparentlysuchmattersdonotinteresther。
SheconductsyoutotheChineseRoom;thesunstreamsthroughthewindows，illuminatingthewondrousgoldendragonsstandingoutinboldrelieffromtheburnishedlacquerwork，decoratingstillfurtherwithlightandshadethedelicatesilkembroideriesthintaperhandshavewovenwithinfinitepains。Thewallsarehungwithricepaper，depictingtheconventionalscenesoftheconventionalChineselife。
Youfindyourthoughtswandering。Thesegrotesquefigures，thesecaricaturesofhumanity！Acomicalcreature，surely，thisChinaman，thepantaloonofcivilization。Howusefulhehasbeentousforourfarces，ourcomicoperas！Thisyellowbaby，inhisamplepinafore，wholivedthousandsofyearsago，whohasnowpassedintothisstrangesecondchildhood。
Butishedying——ordoesthelifeofanationwakeagain，asaftersleep？Ishethisdroll，harmlessthingheheredepictshimself？
Andifnot？Supposefreshsapbestirringthroughhisthreehundredmillions？Wethoughthewassoverydead;wethoughtthetimehadcometocuthimupanddividehim，theonlydangerbeinglestweshouldquarreloverhiscarcaseamongourselves。
Supposeitturnsoutasthefableofthewoodcutterandthebear？
Thewoodcutterfoundthebearlyingintheforest。Atfirsthewasmuchfrightened，butthebearlayremarkablystill。Sothewoodmancreptnearer，venturedtokickthebear——verygently，readytorunifneedbe。Surelythebearwasdead！Andpartsofabeararegoodtoeat，andbearskintopoorwoodfolkoncoldwinternightsisgrateful。
Sothewoodmandrewhisknifeandcommencedthenecessarypreliminaries。Butthebearwasnotdead。
IftheChinamanbenotdead？Ifthecutting—upprocesshasonlyservedtowakenhim？Inalittletimefromnowweshallknow。
FromtheChineseRoomthewhite—haireddameleadsustotheJapaneseRoom。Hadgentle—lookingPrincessAmaliasomevagueforeshadowingofthefutureinhermindwhensheplannedthesetworoomsleadingintooneanother？TheJapanesedecorationsaremoregrotesque，thedesignslesscheerfullycomicalthanthoseofcousinChinaman。Thesemonstrous，mis—shapenwrestlers，thesepatient—lookinggods，withtheirinscrutableeyes！Wasitalwaysthere，orisitonlybythelightofpresenteventsthatonereadsintothefantasticfanciesoftheartistworkinglongagointhedoorwayofhispaperhouse，ameaningthathashithertoescapedus？
ButthechiefattractionoftheHuistenBoschisthegorgeousOrangeSaloon，lightedbyacupola，fiftyfeetabovethefloor，thewallsoneblazeofpictures，chieflyofthegorgeousJordaenschool——"TheDefeatoftheVices，""TimeVanquishingSlander"——mostlyallegorical，inpraiseofallthevirtues，inpraiseofenlightenmentandprogress。Aptlyenoughinaroomsodecorated，herewasheldthefamousPeaceCongressthatclosedthelastcentury。OnecanhardlyavoidsmilingasonethinksofthesolemnconclaveofgrandeesassembledtoproclaimthepopularityofPeace。
ItwasintheautumnofthesameyearthatEuropedecideduponthedividing—upofChina，thatsoldierswereinstructedbyChristianmonarchstomassacremen，womenandchildren，theideabeingtoimpressupontheHeathenChineethesuperiorcivilizationofthewhiteman。TheBoerwarfollowedalmostimmediately。Sincewhenthewhitemanhasbeenprettybusyallovertheworldwithhis"expeditions"andhis"missions。"Theworldisundoubtedlygrowingmorerefined。Wedonotcareforuglywords。Eventheburglarrefersairilytothe"littlejob"hehasonhand。Youwouldthinkhehadfoundworkinthecountry。Ishouldnotbesurprisedtolearnthathesaysaprayerbeforestarting，telegraphshometohisanxiouswifethenextmorningthathistaskhasbeencrownedwithblessing。
Untilthefar—offdateofUniversalBrotherhoodwarwillcontinue。
Mattersconsideredunimportantbybothpartieswill——withamightyflourishoftrumpets——bereferredtoarbitration。Iwastalkingofafamousfinancierawhileagowithamanwhohadbeenhissecretary。
Amongstotheranecdotes，hetoldmeofacertainagreementaboutwhichdisputehadarisen。Thefamousfinanciertookthepaperintohisownhandsandmadeafewswiftcalculations。
"Letitgo，"heconcluded，"itisonlyathousandpoundsattheoutside。Mayaswellbehonest。"
Concerningadeadfishermanortwo，concerningboundariesthroughunproductivemountainrangesweshallarbitrateandfeelvirtuous。
Forgoldminesandgoodpasturelands，mixedupwithalittlehonourtogiverespectabilitytothebusiness，weshallfightitout，aspreviously。Warbeingthusinevitable，thehumanemanwillrejoicethatbyoneofthosebrilliantdiscoveries，sosimplewhentheyareexplained，warinthefutureisgoingtoberenderedequallysatisfactorytovictorandtovanquished。
Inby—elections，asawittywriterhaspointedout，therearenodefeats——onlyvictoriesandmoralvictories。Theideaseemstohavecaughton。Warinthefutureisevidentlygoingtobeconductedonthesameunderstanding。Onceuponatime，fromafar—offland，acertaingeneraltelegraphedhomecongratulatinghisGovernmentthattheenemyhadshownnoinclinationwhatevertopreventhisrunningaway。Thewholecountryrejoiced。