"Itisrathergalling，youknow，"headded，"whenagirlhasalotofthingsshewantstowritetoyouandcan'tsendaletterexceptbysomeroundabout，underhandway。"
　　"Oneneverrealisesone'sblessingswhileoneenjoysthem，"saidClovis；"nowIhavetospendaconsiderableamountofingenuityinventingexcusesfornothavingwrittentopeople。"
　　"It'snotajokingmatter，"saidBertieresentfully："youwouldn'tfinditfunnyifyourmotheropenedallyourletters。"
　　"Thefunnythingtomeisthatyoushouldletherdoit。"
　　"Ican'tstopit。I'vearguedaboutit——"
　　"Youhaven'tusedtherightkindofargument，Iexpect。Now，ifeverytimeoneofyourletterswasopenedyoulayonyourbackonthedining-tableduringdinnerandhadafit，orrousedtheentirefamilyinthemiddleofthenighttohearyoureciteoneofBlake's'PoemsofInnocence，'youwouldgetafarmorerespectfulhearingforfutureprotests。Peopleyieldmoreconsiderationtoamutilatedmealtimeorabrokennight'srest，thanevertheywouldtoabrokenheart。"
　　"Oh，dryup，"saidBertiecrossly，inconsistentlysplashingClovisfromheadtofootasheplungedintothewater。
　　Itwasadayortwoaftertheconversationintheswimming-baththataletteraddressedtoBertieHeasantslidintotheletter-boxathishome，andthenceintothehandsofhismother。Mrs。Heasantwasoneofthoseempty-mindedindividualstowhomotherpeople'saffairsareperpetuallyinteresting。Themoreprivatetheyareintendedtobethemoreacuteistheinteresttheyarouse。Shewouldhaveopenedthisparticularletterinanycase；thefactthatitwasmarked"private，"anddiffusedadelicatebutpenetratingaromamerelycausedhertoopenitwithheadlonghasteratherthanmatter-of-
　　coursedeliberation。Theharvestofsensationthatrewardedherwasbeyondallexpectations。
　　"Bertie，carissimo，"itbegan，"Iwonderifyouwillhavethenervetodoit：itwilltakesomenerve，too。Don'tforgetthejewels。
　　Theyareadetail，butdetailsinterestme。
　　"Yoursasever，Clotilde。"
　　"Yourmothermustnotknowofmyexistence。Ifquestionedswearyouneverheardofme。"
　　ForyearsMrs。HeasanthadsearchedBertie'scorrespondencediligentlyfortracesofpossibledissipationoryouthfulentanglements，andatlastthesuspicionsthathadstimulatedherinquisitorialzealwerejustifiedbythisonesplendidhaul。Thatanyonewearingtheexoticname"Clotilde"shouldwritetoBertieundertheincriminatingannouncement"asever"wassufficientlyelectrifying，withouttheastoundingallusiontothejewels。Mrs。
　　Heasantcouldrecallnovelsanddramaswhereinjewelsplayedanexcitingandcommandingrole，andhere，underherownroof，beforeherveryeyesasitwere，herownsonwascarryingonanintrigueinwhichjewelsweremerelyaninterestingdetail。Bertiewasnotduehomeforanotherhour，buthissisterswereavailablefortheimmediateunburdeningofascandal-ladenmind。
　　"Bertieisinthetoilsofanadventuress，"shescreamed；"hernameisClotilde，"sheadded，asifshethoughttheyhadbetterknowtheworstatonce。Thereareoccasionswhenmoreharmthangoodisdonebyshieldingyounggirlsfromaknowledgeofthemoredeplorablerealitiesoflife。
　　BythetimeBertiearrivedhismotherhaddiscussedeverypossibleandimprobableconjectureastohisguiltysecret；thegirlslimitedthemselvestotheopinionthattheirbrotherhadbeenweakratherthanwicked。
　　"WhoisClotilde？"wasthequestionthatconfrontedBertiealmostbeforehehadgotintothehall。Hisdenialofanyknowledgeofsuchapersonwasmetwithanoutburstofbitterlaughter。
　　"Howwellyouhavelearnedyourlesson！"exclaimedMrs。Heasant。
　　ButsatiregavewaytofuriousindignationwhensherealisedthatBertiedidnotintendtothrowanyfurtherlightonherdiscovery。
　　"Youshan'thaveanydinnertillyou'veconfessedeverything，"shestormed。
　　Bertie'sreplytooktheformofhastilycollectingmaterialforanimpromptubanquetfromthelarderandlockinghimselfintohisbedroom。Hismothermadefrequentvisitstothelockeddoorandshoutedasuccessionofinterrogationswiththepersistenceofonewhothinksthatifyouaskaquestionoftenenoughananswerwilleventuallyresult。Bertiedidnothingtoencouragethesupposition。
　　Anhourhadpassedinfruitlessone-sidedpalaverwhenanotherletteraddressedtoBertieandmarked"private"madeitsappearanceintheletter-box。Mrs。Heasantpouncedonitwiththeenthusiasmofacatthathasmisseditsmouseandtowhomasecondhasbeenunexpectedlyvouchsafed。Ifshehopedforfurtherdisclosuresassuredlyshewasnotdisappointed。
　　"Soyouhavereallydoneit！"theletterabruptlycommenced；"PoorDagmar。NowsheisdoneforIalmostpityher。Youdiditverywell，youwickedboy，theservantsallthinkitwassuicide，andtherewillbenofuss。Betternottouchthejewelstillaftertheinquest。
　　"Clotilde。"
　　AnythingthatMrs。Heasanthadpreviouslydoneinthewayofoutcrywaseasilysurpassedassheracedupstairsandbeatfranticallyatherson'sdoor。
　　"Miserableboy，whathaveyoudonetoDagmar？"
　　"It'sDagmarnow，isit？"hesnapped；"itwillbeGeraldinenext。"
　　"Thatitshouldcometothis，afterallmyeffortstokeepyouathomeofanevening，"sobbedMrs。Heasant；"it'snouseyoutryingtohidethingsfromme；Clotilde'sletterbetrayseverything。"
　　"Doesitbetraywhosheis？"askedBertie；"I'veheardsomuchabouther，Ishouldliketoknowsomethingaboutherhome-life。
　　Seriously，ifyougoonlikethisIshallfetchadoctor；I'veoftenenoughbeenpreachedataboutnothing，butI'veneverhadanimaginaryharemdraggedintothediscussion。"
　　"Aretheselettersimaginary？"screamedMrs。Heasant；"whataboutthejewels，andDagmar，andthetheoryofsuicide？"
　　Nosolutionoftheseproblemswasforthcomingthroughthebedroomdoor，butthelastpostoftheeveningproducedanotherletterforBertie，anditscontentsbroughtMrs。Heasantthatenlightenmentwhichhadalreadydawnedonherson。
　　"DearBertie，"itran；"IhopeIhaven'tdistractedyourbrainwiththespooflettersI'vebeensendinginthenameofafictitiousClotilde。Youtoldmetheotherdaythattheservants，orsomebodyatyourhome，tamperedwithyourletters，soIthoughtIwouldgiveanyonethatopenedthemsomethingexcitingtoread。Theshockmightdothemgood。
　　"Yours，"ClovisSangrail。"
　　Mrs。HeasantknewClovisslightly，andwasratherafraidofhim。Itwasnotdifficulttoreadbetweenthelinesofhissuccessfulhoax。
　　InachastenedmoodsherappedoncemoreatBertie'sdoor。
　　"AletterfromMr。Sangrail。It'sallbeenastupidhoax。Hewrotethoseotherletters。Why，whereareyougoing？"
　　Bertiehadopenedthedoor；hehadonhishatandovercoat。
　　"I'mgoingforadoctortocomeandseeifanything'sthematterwithyou。Ofcourseitwasallahoax，butnopersoninhisrightmindcouldhavebelievedallthatrubbishaboutmurderandsuicideandjewels。You'vebeenmakingenoughnoisetobringthehousedownforthelasthourortwo。"
　　"ButwhatwasItothinkofthoseletters？"whimperedMrs。Heasant。
　　"Ishouldhaveknownwhattothinkofthem，"saidBertie；"ifyouchoosetoexciteyourselfoverotherpeople'scorrespondenceit'syourownfault。Anyhow，I'mgoingforadoctor。"
　　ItwasBertie'sgreatopportunity，andheknewit。Hismotherwasconsciousofthefactthatshewouldlookratherridiculousifthestorygotabout。Shewaswillingtopayhush-money。
　　"I'llneveropenyourlettersagain，"shepromised。AndClovishasnomoredevotedslavethanBertieHeasant。
　　THESEVENCREAMJUGS
　　"IsupposeweshallneverseeWilfredPigeoncoteherenowthathehasbecomeheirtothebaronetcyandtoalotofmoney，"observedMrs。PeterPigeoncoteregretfullytoherhusband。
　　"Well，wecanhardlyexpectto，"hereplied，"seeingthatwealwayschokedhimofffromcomingtoseeuswhenhewasaprospectivenobody。Idon'tthinkI'veseteyesonhimsincehewasaboyoftwelve。"
　　"Therewasareasonfornotwantingtoencouragehisacquaintanceship，"saidMrs。Peter。"Withthatnotoriousfailingofhishewasnotthesortofpersononewantedinone'shouse。"
　　"Well，thefailingstillexists，doesn'tit？"saidherhusband；"ordoyousupposeareformofcharacterisentailedalongwiththeestate？"
　　"Oh，ofcourse，thereisstillthatdrawback，"admittedthewife，"butonewouldliketomaketheacquaintanceofthefutureheadofthefamily，ifonlyoutofmerecuriosity。Besides，cynicismapart，hisbeingrichwillmakeadifferenceinthewaypeoplewilllookathisfailing。Whenamanisabsolutelywealthy，notmerelywell-to-
　　do，allsuspicionofsordidmotivenaturallydisappears；thethingbecomesmerelyatiresomemalady。"
　　WilfridPigeoncotehadsuddenlybecomeheirtohisuncle，SirWilfridPigeoncote，onthedeathofhiscousin，MajorWilfridPigeoncote，whohadsuccumbedtotheafter-effectsofapoloaccident。（AWilfridPigeoncotehadcoveredhimselfwithhonoursinthecourseofMarlborough'scampaigns，andthenameWilfridhadbeenabaptismalweaknessinthefamilyeversince。）Thenewheirtothefamilydignityandestateswasayoungmanofaboutfive-and-twenty，whowasknownmorebyreputationthanbypersontoawidecircleofcousinsandkinsfolk。Andthereputationwasanunpleasantone。
　　ThenumerousotherWilfridsinthefamilyweredistinguishedonefromanotherchieflybythenamesoftheirresidencesorprofessions，asWilfridofHubbledown，andyoungWilfridtheGunner，butthisparticularscionwasknownbytheignominiousandexpressivelabelofWilfridtheSnatcher。Fromhislateschooldaysonwardhehadbeenpossessedbyanacuteandobstinateformofkleptomania；hehadtheacquisitiveinstinctofthecollectorwithoutanyofthecollector'sdiscrimination。Anythingthatwassmallerandmoreportablethanasideboard，andabovethevalueofninepence，hadanirresistibleattractionforhim，providedthatitfulfilledthenecessaryconditionofbelongingtosomeoneelse。Ontherareoccasionswhenhewasincludedinacountry-houseparty，itwasusualandalmostnecessaryforhishost，orsomememberofthefamily，tomakeafriendlyinquisitionthroughhisbaggageontheeveofhisdeparture，toseeifhehadpackedup"bymistake"anyoneelse'sproperty。Thesearchusuallyproducedalargeandvariedyield。
　　"Thisisfunny，"saidPeterPigeoncotetohiswife，somehalf-houraftertheirconversation；"here'satelegramfromWilfrid，sayinghe'spassingthroughhereinhismotor，andwouldliketostopandpayushisrespects。Canstayforthenightifitdoesn'tinconvenienceus。Signed'WilfridPigeoncote。'MustbetheSnatcher；noneoftheothershaveamotor。Isupposehe'sbringingusapresentforthesilverwedding。"
　　"Goodgracious！"saidMrs。Peter，asathoughtstruckher；"thisisratheranawkwardtimetohaveapersonwithhisfailinginthehouse。Allthosesilverpresentssetoutinthedrawing-room，andotherscomingbyeverypost；Ihardlyknowwhatwe'vegotandwhatarestilltocome。Wecan'tlockthemallup；he'ssuretowanttoseethem。"
　　"Wemustkeepasharplook-out，that'sall，"saidPeterreassuringly。
　　"Butthesepractisedkleptomaniacsaresoclever，"saidhiswife，apprehensively，"anditwillbesoawkwardifhesuspectsthatwearewatchinghim。"
　　Awkwardnesswasindeedtheprevailingnotethateveningwhenthepassingtravellerwasbeingentertained。Thetalkflittednervouslyandhurriedlyfromoneimpersonaltopictoanother。Theguesthadnoneofthefurtive，half-apologeticairthathiscousinshadratherexpectedtofind；hewaspolite，well-assured，and，perhaps，justalittleinclinedto"putonside"。Hishosts，ontheotherhand，woreanuneasymannerthatmighthavebeenthehallmarkofconsciousdepravity。Inthedrawing-room，afterdinner，theirnervousnessandawkwardnessincreased。
　　"Oh，wehaven'tshownyouthesilver-weddingpresents，"saidMrs。
　　Peter，suddenly，asthoughstruckbyabrilliantideaforentertainingtheguest；"heretheyallare。Suchnice，usefulgifts。Afewduplicates，ofcourse。"
　　"Sevencreamjugs，"putinPeter。
　　"Yes，isn'titannoying，"wentonMrs。Peter；"sevenofthem。Wefeelthatwemustliveoncreamfortherestofourlives。Ofcourse，someofthemcanbechanged。"
　　Wilfridoccupiedhimselfchieflywithsuchofthegiftsaswereofantiqueinterest，carryingoneortwoofthemovertothelamptoexaminetheirmarks。Theanxietyofhishostsatthesemomentsresembledthesolicitudeofacatwhosenewlybornkittensarebeinghandedroundforinspection。
　　"Letmesee；didyougivemebackthemustard-pot？Thisisitsplacehere，"pipedMrs。Peter。
　　"Sorry。Iputitdownbytheclaret-jug，"saidWilfrid，busywithanotherobject。
　　"Oh，justletmehavethesugar-sifteragain，"askedMrs。Peter，doggeddeterminationshowingthroughhernervousness；"ImustlabelitwhoitcomesfrombeforeIforget。"
　　Vigilancewasnotcompletelycrownedwithasenseofvictory。Aftertheyhadsaid"Good-night"totheirvisitor，Mrs。Peterexpressedherconvictionthathehadtakensomething。
　　"Ifancy，byhismanner，thattherewassomethingup，"corroboratedherhusband；"doyoumissanything？"
　　Mrs。Petershastilycountedthearrayofgifts。
　　"Icanonlymakeitthirty-four，andIthinkitshouldbethirty-
　　five，"sheannounced；"Ican'trememberifthirty-fiveincludestheArchdeacon'scruet-standthathasn'tarrivedyet。"
　　"Howoneartharewetoknow？"saidPeter。"Themeanpighasn'tbroughtusapresent，andI'mhangedifheshallcarryoneoff。"
　　"To-morrow，when'shehavinghisbath，"saidMrs。Peterexcitedly，"he'ssuretoleavehiskeyssomewhere，andwecangothroughhisportmanteau。It'stheonlythingtodo。"
　　Onthemorrowanalertwatchwaskeptbytheconspiratorsbehindhalf-closeddoors，andwhenWilfrid，cladinagorgeousbath-robe，hadmadehiswaytothebath-room，therewasaswiftandfurtiverushbytwoexcitedindividualstowardstheprincipalguest-chamber。
　　Mrs。Peterkeptguardoutside，whileherhusbandfirstmadeahurriedandsuccessfulsearchforthekeys，andthenplungedattheportmanteauwiththeairofadisagreeablyconscientiousCustomsofficial。Thequestwasabriefone；asilvercreamjuglayembeddedinthefoldsofsomezephyrshirts。
　　"Thecunningbrute，"saidMrs。Peters；"hetookacreamjugbecausethereweresomany；hethoughtonewouldn'tbemissed。Quick，flydownwithitandputitbackamongtheothers。"
　　Wilfridwaslateincomingdowntobreakfast，andhismannershowedplainlythatsomethingwasamiss。
　　"It'sanunpleasantthingtohavetosay，"heblurtedoutpresently，"butI'mafraidyoumusthaveathiefamongyourservants。
　　Something'sbeentakenoutofmyportmanteau。Itwasalittlepresentfrommymotherandmyselfforyoursilverwedding。Ishouldhavegivenittoyoulastnightafterdinner，onlyithappenedtobeacreamjug，andyouseemedannoyedathavingsomanyduplicates，soIfeltratherawkwardaboutgivingyouanother。IthoughtI'dgetitchangedforsomethingelse，andnowit'sgone。"
　　"DidyousayitwasfromyourMOTHERandyourself？"askedMr。andMrs。Peteralmostinunison。TheSnatcherhadbeenanorphanthesemanyyears。
　　"Yes，mymother'satCairojustnow，andshewrotetomeatDresdentotryandgetyousomethingquaintandprettyintheoldsilverline，andIpitchedonthiscreamjug。"
　　BoththePigeoncoteshadturneddeadlypale。ThementionofDresdenhadthrownasuddenlightonthesituation。ItwasWilfridtheAttache，averysuperioryoungman，whorarelycamewithintheirsocialhorizon，whomtheyhadbeenentertainingunawaresinthesupposedcharacterofWilfridtheSnatcher。LadyErnestinePigeoncote，hismother，movedincircleswhichwereentirelybeyondtheircompassorambitions，andthesonwouldprobablyonedaybeanAmbassador。Andtheyhadrifledanddespoiledhisportmanteau！
　　Husbandandwifelookedblanklyanddesperatelyatoneanother。ItwasMrs。Peterwhoarrivedfirstataninspiration。
　　"Howdreadfultothinktherearethievesinthehouse！Wekeepthedrawing-roomlockedupatnight，ofcourse，butanythingmightbecarriedoffwhileweareatbreakfast。"
　　Sheroseandwentouthurriedly，asthoughtoassureherselfthatthedrawing-roomwasnotbeingstrippedofitssilverware，andreturnedamomentlater，bearingacreamjuginherhands。
　　"Thereareeightcreamjugsnow，insteadofseven，"shecried；"thisonewasn'ttherebefore。Whatacurioustrickofmemory，Mr。
　　Wilfrid！Youmusthaveslippeddownstairswithitlastnightandputittherebeforewelockedup，andforgottenallabouthavingdoneitinthemorning。"
　　"One'smindoftenplaysonelittletrickslikethat，"saidMr。
　　Peter，withdesperateheartiness。"OnlytheotherdayIwentintothetowntopayabill，andwentinagainnextday，havingcleanforgottenthatI'd——"
　　"ItiscertainlythejugIboughtforyou，"saidWilfrid，lookingcloselyatit；"itwasinmyportmanteauwhenIgotmybath-robeoutthismorning，beforegoingtomybath，anditwasnottherewhenI
　　unlockedtheportmanteauonmyreturn。SomeonehadtakenitwhileIwasawayfromtheroom。"
　　ThePigeoncoteshadturnedpalerthanever。Mrs。Peterhadafinalinspiration。
　　"Getmemysmelling-salts，dear，"shesaidtoherhusband；"Ithinkthey'reinthedressing-room。"
　　Peterdashedoutoftheroomwithgladrelief；hehadlivedsolongduringthelastfewminutesthatagoldenweddingseemedwithinmeasurabledistance。
　　Mrs。Peterturnedtoherguestwithconfidentialcoyness。
　　"Adiplomatlikeyouwillknowhowtotreatthisasifithadn'thappened。Peter'slittleweakness；itrunsinthefamily。"
　　"GoodLord！Doyoumeantosayhe'sakleptomaniac，likeCousinSnatcher？"
　　"Oh，notexactly，"saidMrs。Peter，anxioustowhitewashherhusbandalittlegreyerthanshewaspaintinghim。"Hewouldnevertouchanythinghefoundlyingabout，buthecan'tresistmakingaraidonthingsthatarelockedup。Thedoctorshaveaspecialnameforit。
　　Hemusthavepouncedonyourportmanteauthemomentyouwenttoyourbath，andtakenthefirstthinghecameacross。Ofcourse，hehadnomotivefortakingacreamjug；we'vealreadygotseven，asyouknow——not，ofcourse，thatwedon'tvaluethekindofgiftyouandyourmother——hushhere'sPetercoming。"
　　Mrs。Peterbrokeoffinsomeconfusion，andtrippedouttomeetherhusbandinthehall。
　　"It'sallright，"shewhisperedtohim；"I'veexplainedeverything。
　　Don'tsayanythingmoreaboutit。"
　　"Bravelittlewoman，"saidPeter，withagaspofrelief；"Icouldneverhavedoneit。"
　　***
　　Diplomaticreticencedoesnotnecessarilyextendtofamilyaffairs。
　　PeterPigeoncotewasneverabletounderstandwhyMrs。ConsuelovanBullyon，whostayedwiththeminthespring，alwayscarriedtwoveryobviousjewel-caseswithhertothebath-room，explainingthemtoanyoneshechancedtomeetinthecorridorashermanicureandface-massageset。
　　THEOCCASIONALGARDEN
　　"Don'ttalktomeabouttowngardens，"saidElinorRapsley；"whichmeans，ofcourse，thatIwantyoutolistentomeforanhourorsowhileItalkaboutnothingelse。'Whatanice-sizedgardenyou'vegot，'peoplesaidtouswhenwefirstmovedhere。WhatIsupposetheymeanttosaywaswhatanice-sizedsiteforagardenwe'dgot。
　　Asamatteroffact，thesizeisallagainstit；it'stoolargetobeignoredaltogetherandtreatedasayard，andit'stoosmalltokeepgiraffesin。Yousee，ifwecouldkeepgiraffesorreindeerorsomeotherspeciesofbrowsinganimaltherewecouldexplainthegeneralabsenceofvegetationbyareferencetothefaunaofthegarden：'Youcan'thavewapitiANDDarwintulips，youknow，sowedidn'tputdownanybulbslastyear。'Asitis，wehaven'tgotthewapiti，andtheDarwintulipshaven'tsurvivedthefactthatmostofthecatsoftheneighbourhoodholdaparliamentinthecentreofthetulipbed；thatratherforlornlookingstripthatweintendedtobeaborderofalternatinggeraniumandspiraeahasbeenutilisedbythecat-parliamentasadivisionlobby。Snapdivisionsseemtohavebeenratherfrequentoflate，farmorefrequentthanthegeraniumbloomsarelikelytobe。Ishouldn'tobjectsomuchtoordinarycats，butIdocomplainofhavingacongressofvegetariancatsinmygarden；theymustbevegetarians，mydear，because，whateverravagestheymaycommitamongthesweetpeaseedlings，theyneverseemtotouchthesparrows；therearealwaysjustasmanyadultsparrowsinthegardenonSaturdayastherewereonMonday，nottomentionnewly-fledgedadditions。ThereseemstohavebeenanirreconcilabledifferenceofopinionbetweensparrowsandProvidencesincethebeginningoftimeastowhetheracrocuslooksbeststandinguprightwithitsrootsintheearthorinarecumbentposturewithitsstemneatlysevered；thesparrowsalwayshavethelastwordinthematter，atleastinourgardentheydo。IfancythatProvidencemusthaveoriginallyintendedtobringinanamendingAct，orwhateverit'scalled，providingeitherforalessdestructivesparroworamoreindestructiblecrocus。Theoneconsolingpointaboutourgardenisthatit'snotvisiblefromthedrawing-roomorthesmoking-room，sounlesspeoplearedinningorlunchingwithustheycan'tspyoutthenakednessoftheland。ThatiswhyIamsofuriouswithGwendaPottingdon，whohaspracticallyforcedherselfonmeforlunchonWednesdaynext；sheheardmeofferthePaulcotegirllunchifshewasupshoppingonthatday，and，ofcourse，sheaskedifshemightcometoo。Sheisonlycomingtogloatovermybedraggledandflowerlessbordersandtosingthepraisesofherowndetestablyover-cultivatedgarden。I'msickofbeingtoldthatit'stheenvyoftheneighbourhood；it'slikeeverythingelsethatbelongstoher——hercar，herdinner-parties，evenherheadaches，theyareallsuperlative；nooneelseeverhadanythinglikethem。Whenhereldestchildwasconfirmeditwassuchasensationalevent，accordingtoheraccountofit，thatonealmostexpectedquestionstobeaskedaboutitintheHouseofCommons，andnowshe'scomingonpurposetostareatmyfewmiserablepansiesandthegapsinmysweet-peaborder，andtogivemeaglowing，full-
　　lengthdescriptionoftherareandsumptuousbloomsinherrose-
　　garden。"
　　"MydearElinor，"saidtheBaroness，"youwouldsaveyourselfallthisheart-burningandalotofgardener'sbills，nottomentionsparrowanxieties，simplybypayinganannualsubscriptiontotheO。O。S。A。"
　　"Neverheardofit，"saidElinor；"whatisit？"
　　"TheOccasional-OasisSupplyAssociation，"saidtheBaroness；"itexiststomeetcasesexactlylikeyours，casesofbackyardsthatareofnopracticaluseforgardeningpurposes，butarerequiredtoblossomintodecorativescenicbackgroundsatstatedintervals，whenaluncheonordinner-partyiscontemplated。Supposing，forinstance，youhavepeoplecomingtolunchatone-thirty；youjustringuptheAssociationataboutteno'clockthesamemorning，andsay'lunchgarden'。Thatisallthetroubleyouhavetotake。Bytwelveforty-fiveyouryardiscarpetedwithastripofvelvetyturf，withahedgeoflilacorredmay，orwhateverhappenstobeinseason，asabackground，oneortwocherrytreesinblossom，andclumpsofheavily-floweredrhododendronsfillingintheoddcorners；
　　intheforegroundyouhaveablazeofcarnationsorShirleypoppies，ortigerliliesinfullbloom。Assoonasthelunchisoverandyourguestshavedepartedthegardendepartsalso，andallthecatsinChristendomcansitincouncilinyouryardwithoutcausingyouamoment'sanxiety。Ifyouhaveabishoporanantiquaryorsomethingofthatsortcomingtolunchyoujustmentionthefactwhenyouareorderingthegarden，andyougetanold-worldpleasaunce，withclippedyewhedgesandasun-dialandhollyhocks，andperhapsamulberrytree，andbordersofsweet-williamsandCanterburybells，andanold-fashionedbeehiveortwotuckedawayinacorner。ThosearetheordinarylinesofsupplythattheOasisAssociationundertakes，butbypayingafewguineasayearextrayouareentitledtoitsemergencyE。O。N。service。"
　　"WhatonearthisanE。O。N。service？"
　　"It'sjustaconventionalsignaltoindicatespecialcasesliketheincursionofGwendaPottingdon。Itmeansyou'vegotsomeonecomingtolunchordinnerwhosegardenisallegedtobe'theenvyoftheneighbourhood。'"
　　"Yes，"exclaimedElinor，withsomeexcitement，"andwhathappensthen？"
　　"SomethingthatsoundslikeamiracleoutoftheArabianNights。
　　Yourbackyardbecomesvoluptuouswithpomegranateandalmondtrees，lemongroves，andhedgesoffloweringcactus，dazzlingbanksofazaleas，marble-basinedfountains，inwhichchestnut-and-whitepond-
　　heronsstepdaintilyamidexoticwater-lilies，whilegoldenpheasantsstrutaboutonalabasterterraces。ThewholeeffectrathersuggeststheideathatProvidenceandNormanWilkinsonhavedroppedmutualjealousiesandcollaboratedtoproduceabackgroundforanopen-airRussianBallet；inpointoffact，itismerelythebackgroundtoyourluncheonparty。IfthereisanykickleftinGwendaPottingdon，orwhoeveryourE。O。N。guestofthemomentmaybe，justmentioncarelesslythatyourclimbingputellaistheonlyoneinEngland，sincetheoneatChatsworthdiedlastwinter。Thereisn'tsuchathingasaclimbingputella，butGwendaPottingdonandherkinddon'tusuallyknowoneflowerfromanotherwithoutprompting。"
　　"Quick，"saidElinor，"theaddressoftheAssociation。"
　　GwendaPottingdondidnotenjoyherlunch。Itwasasimpleyetelegantmeal，excellentlycookedanddaintilyserved，butthepiquantsauceofherownconversationwasnotablylacking。Shehadpreparedalongsuccessionofeulogisticcommentsonthewondersofhertowngarden，withitsunrivalledeffectsofhorticulturalmagnificence，and，behold，herthemewasshutinoneverysidebytheluxurianthedgeofSiberianberberisthatformedaglowingbackgroundtoElinor'sbewilderingfragmentoffairyland。Thepomegranateandlemontrees，theterracedfountain，wheregoldencarpslitheredandwriggledamidtherootsofgorgeous-huedirises，thebankedmassesofexoticblooms，thepagoda-likeenclosure，whereJapanesesand-badgersdisportedthemselves，allthesecontributedtotakeawayGwenda'sappetiteandmoderateherdesiretotalkaboutgardeningmatters。
　　"Ican'tsayIadmiretheclimbingputella，"sheobservedshortly，"andanywayit'snottheonlyoneofitskindinEngland；IhappentoknowofoneinHampshire。Howgardeningisgoingoutoffashion；
　　Isupposepeoplehaven'tthetimeforitnowadays。"
　　AltogetheritwasquiteoneofElinor'smostsuccessfulluncheonparties。
　　ItwasdistinctlyanunforeseencatastrophethatGwendashouldhaveburstinonthehouseholdfourdayslateratlunch-timeandmadeherwayunbiddenintothedining-room。
　　"IthoughtImusttellyouthatmyElainehashadawater-coloursketchacceptedbytheLatentTalentArtGuild；it'stobeexhibitedattheirsummerexhibitionattheHackneyGallery。Itwillbethesensationofthemomentintheartworld——Hullo，whatonearthhashappenedtoyourgarden？It'snotthere！"
　　"Suffragettes，"saidElinorpromptly；"didn'tyouhearaboutit？
　　Theybrokeinandmadehayofthewholethinginabouttenminutes。
　　Iwassoheart-brokenatthehavocthatIhadthewholeplaceclearedout；Ishallhaveitlaidoutagainonrathermoreelaboratelines。"
　　"That，"shesaidtotheBaronessafterwards"iswhatIcallhavinganemergencybrain。"
　　THESHEEP
　　Theenemyhaddeclared"notrumps。"Rupertplayedouthisaceandkingofclubsandclearedtheadversaryofthatsuit；thentheSheep，whomtheFateshadinflictedonhimforapartner，tookthethirdroundwiththequeenofclubs，and，havingnootherclubtoleadback，openedanothersuit。Theenemywontheremainderofthetricks——andtherubber。
　　"Ihadfourmoreclubstoplay；weonlywantedtheoddtricktowintherubber，"saidRupert。
　　"ButIhadn'tanotherclubtoleadyou，"exclaimedtheSheep，withhisready，defensivesmile。
　　"Itdidn'toccurtoyoutothrowyourqueenawayonmykingandleavemewiththecommandofthesuit，"saidRupert，withpolitebitterness。
　　"IsupposeIoughttohave——Iwasn'tcertainwhattodo。I'mawfullysorry，"saidtheSheep。
　　Beingawfullyanduselesslysorryformedalargepartofhisoccupationinlife。Ifasimilarsituationhadariseninasubsequenthandhewouldhaveblunderedjustascertainly，andhewouldhavebeenjustasirritatinglyapologetic。
　　Rupertstaredgloomilyacrossathimashesatsmilingandfumblingwithhiscards。Manymenwhohavegoodbrainsforbusinessdonotpossesstherudimentsofacard-brain，andRupertwouldnothavejudgedandcondemnedhisprospectivebrother-in-lawontheevidenceofhisbridgeplayalone。Thetragicpartofitwasthathesmiledandfumbledthroughlifejustasfatuouslyandapologeticallyashedidatthecard-table。Andbehindthedefensivesmileandthewell-
　　wornexpressionsofregretthereshoneascarcelybelievablebutquiteobviousself-satisfaction。Everysheepofthepastureprobablyimaginesthatinanemergencyitcouldbecometerribleasanarmywithbanners——onehasonlytowatchhowtheystamptheirfeetandstiffentheirneckswhenaminorobjectofsuspicioncomesintoviewandbehavesmeekly。Andprobablythemajorityofhumansheepseethemselvesinimaginationtakinggreatpartsintheworld'smoreimpressivedramas，formingswift，unerringdecisionsinmomentsofcrisis，cowingmutinies，allayingpanics，brave，strong，simple，but，inspiteoftheirnaturalmodesty，alwaysslightlyspectacular。
　　"WhyinthenameofallthatisunnecessaryandperverseshouldKathleenchoosethismanforherfuturehusband？"wasthequestionthatRupertaskedhimselfruefully。TherewasyoungMalcolmAthling，asnice-looking，decent，level-headedafellowasanyonecouldwishtomeet，obviouslyherverydevotedadmirer，andyetshemustthrowherselfawayonthispale-eyed，weak-mouthedembodimentofself-approvingineptitude。IfithadbeenmerelyKathleen'sownaffairRupertwouldhaveshruggedhisshouldersandphilosophicallyhopedthatshemightmakethebestofanundeniablybadbargain。
　　ButRuperthadnoheir；hisownboylayundergroundsomewhereontheIndianfrontier，ingoodlycompany。AndthepropertywouldpassinduecursetoKathleenandKathleen'shusband。TheSheepwouldlivethereinthebelovedoldhome，rearingupotherlittleSheep，fatuousandrabbit-facedandself-satisfiedlikehimself，todwellinthelandandpossessit。Itwasnotasoothingprospect。
　　TowardsduskontheafternoonfollowingthebridgeexperienceRupertandtheSheepmadetheirwayhomewardafteraday'smixedshooting。
　　TheSheep'scartridgebagwasnearlyempty，buthisgamebagshowednosignsofover-crowding。Thebirdshehadshotathadseemedforthemostpartasimpervioustodeathordamageastheheroofamelodrama。Andforeachfailuretodrophisbirdhehadsomeexplanationorapologyreadyonhislips。Nowhewasstridingalonginfrontofhishost，chatteringhappilyoverhisshoulder，butobviouslyonthelook-outforsomebelatedrabbitorwoodpigeonthatmighthaplybesecuredasaneleventh-houradditiontohisbag。Astheypassedtheedgeofasmallcopsealargebirdrosefromthegroundandflewslowlytowardsthetrees，offeringaneasyshottotheoncomingsportsmen。TheSheepbangedforthwithbothbarrels，andgaveanexultantcry。
　　"Horray！I'veshotathunderingbighawk！"
　　"Tobeexact，you'veshotahoney-buzzard。Thatisthehenbirdofoneofthefewpairsofhoney-buzzardsbreedingintheUnitedKingdom。We'vekeptthemunderthestrictestpreservationforthelastfouryears；everygame-keeperandvillagegunloaferfortwentymilesroundhasbeenwarnedandbribedandthreatenedtorespecttheirsanctity，andegg-snatchingagentshavebeencarefullyguardedagainstduringthebreedingseason。Hundredsofloversofrarebirdshavedelightedinseeingtheirsnap-shottedportraitsinCountryLife，andnowyou'vereducedthehenbirdtoalumpofbrokenfeathers。"
　　Rupertspokequietlyandevenly，butforamomentortwoagleamofpositivehatredshoneinhiseyes。
　　"Isay，I'msosorry，"saidtheSheep，withhisapologeticsmile。
　　"OfcourseIrememberhearingaboutthebuzzards，butsomehowI
　　didn'tconnectthisbirdwiththem。Anditwassuchaneastshot——"
　　"Yes，"saidRupert；"thatwasthetrouble。"
　　Kathleenfoundhiminthegun-roomsmoothingoutthefeathersofthedeadbird。Shehadalreadybeentoldofthecatastrophe。
　　"Whatahorridmisfortune，"shesaidsympathetically。
　　"ItwasmydearRobbiewhofirstdiscoveredthem，thelasttimehewashomeonleave。Don'tyourememberhowexcitedhewasaboutthem？Let'sgoandhavesometea。"
　　Bothbridgeandshootingweregivenarestforthenexttwoorthreeweeks。Death，whoentersintonocompactswithpartywhips，hadforcedaParliamentaryvacancyontheneighbourhoodattheleastconvenientseason，andthelocalpartisansoneithersidefoundthemselvesimmersedinthediscomfortsofamid-winterelection。
　　Ruperttookhispoliticsseriouslyandkeenly。Hebelongedtothattypeofstrangelybutratherhappilyconstitutedindividualswhichtheseislandsseemtoproduceinafairplenty；menandwomenwhofornopersonalprofitorgaingoforthfromtheircomfortablefiresidesorclubcard-roomstohunttoandfrointhemudandrainandwindforthecaptureortrackingofastrayvotehereandthereontheirparty'sbehalf——notbecausetheythinktheyoughtto，butbecausetheywantto。Andhisenergieswerewelcomeenoughonthisoccasion，fortheseatwasacloselydisputedpossession，anditslossorretentionwouldcountformuchinthepresentpositionoftheParliamentarygame。WithKathleentohelphim，hehadworkedhiscorneroftheconstituencywithtireless，well-directedzeal，takinghisshareofthedullroutineworkaswellasofthelivelierepisodes。Thetalkingpartofthecampaignwoundupontheeveofthepollwithameetinginacentrewheremoreundecidedvotesweresupposedtobeconcentratedthananywhereelseinthedivision。A
　　goodfinalmeetingherewouldmeaneverything。Andthespeakers，localandimported，leftnothingundonetoimprovetheoccasion。
　　Rupertwasdownfortheunimportanttaskofmovingthecomplimentaryvotetothechairmanwhichshouldclosetheproceedings。
　　"I'msohoarse，"heprotested，whenthemomentarrived；"Idon'tbelieveIcanmakemyvoiceheardbeyondtheplatform。"
　　"Letmedoit，"saidtheSheep；"I'mrathergoodatthatsortofthing。"
　　Thechairmanwaspopularwithallparties，andtheSheep'sopeningwordsofcomplimentaryrecognitionreceivedaroundofapplause。
　　Theoratorsmiledexpansivelyonhislistenersandseizedtheopportunitytoaddafewwordsofpoliticalwisdomonhisownaccount。Peoplelookedattheclockorbegantogropeforumbrellasanddiscardedneckwraps。Then，inthemidstofastringofmeaninglessplatitudes，theSheepdeliveredhimselfofoneofthoseblunderingremarkswhichtravelfromoneendofaconstituencytotheotherinhalfanhour，andareseizedonbytheothersideasbeingmorepotentontheirbehalfthanatonofelectionliterature。
　　Therewasageneralshufflingandmutteringacrossthelengthandbreadthofthehall，andafewhissesmadethemselvesheard。TheSheeptriedtowhittledownhisremark，andthechairmanunhesitatinglythrewhimoverinhisspeechofthanks，butthedamagewasdone。
　　"I'mafraidIlosttouchwiththeaudienceratheroverthatremark，"
　　saidtheSheepafterwards，withhisapologeticsmileabnormallydeveloped。
　　"Youlostustheelection，"saidthechairman，andheprovedatrueprophet。
　　Amonthorsoofwintersportseemedadesirablepick-me-upafterthestrenuousworkandcrowningdiscomfitureoftheelection。
　　RupertandKathleenhiedthemawaytoasmallAlpineresortthatwasjustcomingintoprominence，andthithertheSheepfollowedtheminduecourse，inhisroleofhusband-elect。TheweddinghadbeenfixedfortheendofMarch。
　　Itwasawinterofearlyandunseasonablethaws，andthefarendofthelocallake，ataspotwhereswiftcurrentsflowedintoit，wasdecoratedwithnotices，writteninthreelanguages，warningskatersnottoventureovercertainunsafepatches。ThefollyofapproachingtoonearthesedangerspotsseemedtohaveanaturalfascinationfortheSheep。
　　"Idon'tseewhatpossibledangertherecanbe，"heprotested，withhisinevitablesmile，whenRupertbeckonedhimawayfromtheproscribedarea；"themilkthatIputoutonmywindow-silllastnightwasfrozenaninchdeep。"
　　"Ithadn'tgotastrongcurrentflowingthroughit，"saidRupert；
　　"inanycase，thereisnotmuchsenseinhoveringroundadoubtfulpieceoficewhenthereareacresofgoodicetoskateover。Thesecretaryoftheice-committeehaswarnedyouoncealready。"
　　AfewminuteslaterRupertheardaloudsquealoffear，andsawadarkspotblottingthesmoothnessofthelake'sfrozensurface。TheSheepwasstrugglinghelplesslyinanice-holeofhisownmaking。
　　Rupertgaveoneloudcurse，andthendashedfulltiltfortheshore；
　　outsidealowstablebuildingonthelake'sedgeherememberedhavingseenaladder。Ifhecouldslideitacrosstheice-holebeforetheSheepwentundertherescuewouldbecomparativelysimplework。Otherskatersweredashingupfromadistance，and，withtheladder'shelp，theycouldgethimoutofhisdeath-trapwithouthavingtotrustthemselvesonthemarginofrottenice。Rupertsprangontothesurfaceoflumpy，frozensnow，andstaggeredtowheretheladderlay。Hehadalreadylifteditwhentherattleofachainandafuriousoutburstofgrowlsburstonhishearing，andhewasdashedtothegroundbyamassofwhiteandtawnyfur。Asturdyyoungyard-dog，franticwiththepleasureofperforminghisfirstpieceofacticeguardianservice，wasrampingandsnarlingoverhim，renderingthetaskofregaininghisfeetorsecuringtheladderamatterofconsiderabledifficulty。Whenhehadatlastsucceededinbotheffortshewasjustbyahair's-breadthtoolatetobeofanyuse。TheSheephaddefinitelydisappearedundertheice-rift。
　　KathleenAthlingandherhusbandstaythegreaterpartoftheyearwithRupert，andasmallRobbiestandsinsomedangerofbeingidolisedbyadevoteduncle。ButfortwelvemonthsoftheyearRupert'smostinseparableandvaluedcompanionisasturdytawnyandwhiteyard-dog。
　　THEOVERSIGHT
　　"It'slikeaChinesepuzzle，"saidLadyProwcheresentfully，staringatascribbledlistofnamesthatspreadovertwoorthreeloosesheetsofnotepaperonherwriting-table。Mostofthenameshadapencilmarkrunningthroughthem。
　　"WhatislikeaChinesepuzzle？"askedLenaLuddlefordbriskly；sheratherpridedherselfonbeingabletograpplewiththeminorproblemsoflife。
　　"Gettingpeoplesuitablysortedtogether。SirRichardlikesmetohaveahousepartyaboutthistimeofyear，andgivesmeafreehandastowhomIshouldinvite；allheasksisthatitshouldbeapeaceableparty，withnofrictionorunpleasantness。"
　　"Thatseemsreasonableenough，"saidLena。
　　"Notonlyreasonable，mydear，butnecessary。SirRichardhashisliteraryworktothinkof；youcan'texpectamantoconcentrateonthetribaldisputesofCentralAsianclansmenwhenhe'sgotsocialfeudsblazingunderhisownroof。"
　　"Butwhyshouldtheyblaze？Whyshouldtherebefeudsatallwithinthecompassofahouseparty？"
　　"Exactly；whyshouldtheyblazeorwhyshouldtheyexist？"echoedLadyProwche；"thepointisthattheyalwaysdo。Wehavebeenunlucky；persistentlyunlucky，nowthatIcometolookbackonthings。Wehavealwaysgotpeopleofviolentlyopposedviewsunderoneroof，andtheresulthasbeennotmerelyunpleasantnessbutexplosion。"
　　"Doyoumeanpeoplewhodisagreeonmattersofpoliticalopinionandreligiousviews？"askedLena。