Take，forinstance，oneofthemostdramaticreformsthathasbeencarriedthroughParliamentinthelifetimeofthisgeneration。Ithappenedshortlyafterthecoalstrike，ofunblessedmemory。Toyou，whohavebeenplungeduptotheneckineventsofamoretangledandtumbleddescription，thethingsIamgoingtotellyouofmayseemofsecondaryinterest，butafterallwehadtoliveinthemidstofthem。"
SirLulworthinterruptedhimselfforamomenttosayafewkindwordstotheliqueurbrandyhehadjusttasted，andthemresumedhisnarrative。
"Whetheronesympathiseswiththeagitationforfemalesuffrageornotonehastoadmitthatitspromotersshowedtirelessenergyandconsiderableenterpriseindevisingandputtingintoactionnewmethodsforaccomplishingtheirends。Asaruletheywereanuisanceandawearinesstotheflesh，butthereweretimeswhentheyvergedonthepicturesque。TherewasthefamousoccasionwhentheyenlivenedanddiversifiedthecustomarypageantryoftheRoyalprogresstoopenParliamentbylettingloosethousandsofparrots，whichhadbeencarefullytrainedtoscream'Votesforwomen，'andwhichcircledroundhisMajesty'scoachinaclamorouscloudofgreen，andgreyandscarlet。Itwasreallyratherastrikingepisodefromthespectacularpointofview；unfortunately，however，foritsdevisers，thesecretoftheirintentionshadnotbeenwellkept，andtheiropponentsletlooseatthesamemomentarivalswarmofparrots，whichscreeched'IDON'Tthink'andotherhostilecries，therebyrobbingthedemonstrationoftheunanimitywhichalonecouldhavemadeitpoliticallyimpressive。IntheprocessofrecapturethebirdslearnedaquantityofadditionallanguagewhichunfittedthemforfurtherserviceintheSuffragettecause；someofthegreenonesweresecuredbyardentHomeRulepropagandistsandtrainedtodisturbtheserenityofOrangemeetingsbypessimisticreflectionsonSirEdwardCarson'sdestinationinthelifetocome。Infact，thebirdinpoliticsisafactorthatseemstohavecometostay；
quiterecently，atapoliticalgatheringheldinadimly-lightedplaceofworship，thecongregationgavearespectfulhearingfornearlytenminutestoajackdawfromWapping，undertheimpressionthattheywerelisteningtotheChancelloroftheExchequer，whowaslateinarriving。"
"ButtheSuffragettes，"interruptedthenephew；"whatdidtheydonext？"
"Afterthebirdfiasco，"saidSirLulworth，"themilitantsectionmadeademonstrationofamoreaggressivenature；theyassembledinforceontheopeningdayoftheRoyalAcademyExhibitionanddestroyedsomethreeorfourhundredofthepictures。Thisprovedanevenworsefailurethantheparrotbusiness；everyoneagreedthattherewasalwaysfartoomanypicturesintheAcademyExhibition，andthedrasticweedingoutofafewhundredcanvaseswasregardedasapositiveimprovement。Moreover，fromtheartists'
pointofviewitwasrealisedthattheoutrageconstitutedasortofcompensationforthosewhoseworkswerepersistently'skied'，sinceoutofsightmeantalsooutofreach。AltogetheritwasoneofthemostsuccessfulandpopularexhibitionsthattheAcademyhadheldformanyyears。Thenthefairagitatorsfellbackonsomeoftheirearliermethods；theywrotesweetlyargumentativeplaystoprovethattheyoughttohavethevote，theysmashedwindowstoshowthattheymusthavethevote，andtheykickedCabinetMinisterstodemonstratethatthey'dbetterhavethevote，andstillthecoldlyreasonedorunreasonedreplywasthatthey'dbetternot。TheirplightmighthavebeensummedupinaperversionofGilbert'slines-
"Twentyvotelessmillionswe，Votelessallagainstourwill，TwentyyearshenceweshallbeTwentyvotelessmillionsstill。"
Andofcoursethegreatideafortheirmaster-strokeofstrategycamefromamasculinesource。LenaDubarri，whowasthecaptain-
generaloftheirthinkingdepartment，metWaldoOrpingtonintheMalloneafternoon，justatatimewhenthefortunesoftheCausewereattheirlowestebb。WaldoOrpingtonisafrivolouslittlefoolwhochirrupsatdrawing-roomconcertsandcanrecognisebitsfromdifferentcomposerswithoutreferringtotheprogramme，butallthesameheoccasionallyhasideas。Hedidn'tcareatwopennyfiddlestringabouttheCause，butheratherenjoyedtheideaofhavinghisfingerinthepoliticalpie。Alsoitispossible，thoughIshouldthinkhighlyimprobable，thatheadmiredLenaDubarri。
Anyhow，whenLenagavearathergloomyaccountoftheexistingstateofthingsintheSuffragetteWorld，Waldowasnotmerelysympatheticbutreadywithapracticalsuggestion。TurninghisgazewestwardalongtheMall，towardsthesettingsunandBuckinghamPalace，hewassilentforamoment，andthensaidsignificantly，'Youhaveexpendedyourenergiesandenterpriseonlaboursofdestruction；whyhasitneveroccurredtoyoutoattemptsomethingfarmoreterrific？'
"'Whatdoyoumean？'sheaskedhimeagerly。
"'Create。'
"'Doyoumeancreatedisturbances？We'vebeendoingnothingelseformonths，'shesaid。
"Waldoshookhishead，andcontinuedtolookwestwardalongtheMall。He'srathergoodatactinginanamateursortoffashion。
Lenafollowedhisgaze，andthenturnedtohimwithapuzzledlookofinquiry。
"'Exactly，'saidWaldo，inanswertoherlook。
"'But——howcanwecreate？'sheasked；'it'sbeendonealready。'
"'DoitAGAIN，'saidWaldo，'andagainandagain——'
"Beforehecouldfinishthesentenceshehadkissedhim。Shedeclaredafterwardsthathewasthefirstmanshehadeverkissed，andhedeclaredthatshewasthefirstwomanwhohadeverkissedhimintheMall，sotheybothsecuredarecordofakind。
"WithinthenextdayortwoanewdeparturewasnoticeableinSuffragettetactics。TheygaveupworryingMinistersandParliamentandtooktoworryingtheirownsympathisersandsupporters——forfunds。Theballot-boxwastemporarilyforgotteninthecultofthecollecting-box。Thedaughtersofthehorseleechwerenotmorepersistentintheirdemands，thefinanciersofthetotteringancienregimewerenotmoredesperateintheirexpedientsforraisingmoneythantheSuffragistworkersofallsectionsatthisjuncture，andinonewayandanother，byfairmeansandnormal，theyreallygottogetheraveryusefulsum。Whattheyweregoingtodowithitnooneseemedtoknow，noteventhosewhoweremostactiveincollectingwork。Thesecretonthisoccasionhadbeenwellkept。
Certaintransactionsthatleakedoutfromtimetotimeonlyaddedtothemysteryofthesituation。
"'Don'tyoulongtoknowwhatwearegoingtodowithourtreasurehoard？'LenaaskedthePrimeMinisteronedaywhenshehappenedtositnexttohimatawhistdriveattheChineseEmbassy。
"'Iwashopingyouweregoingtotryalittlepersonalbribery，'herespondedbanteringly，butsomegenuineanxietyandcuriositylaybehindthelightnessofhischaff；'ofcourseIknow，'headded，'thatyouhavebeenbuyingupbuildingsitesincommandingsituationsinandaroundtheMetropolis。Twoorthree，I'mtold，areontheroadtoBrighton，andanothernearAscot。Youdon'tmeantofortifythem，doyou？'
"'Somethingmoreinsidiousthanthat，'shesaid；'youcouldpreventusfrombuildingforts；youcan'tpreventusfromerectinganexactreplicaoftheVictoriaMemorialoneachofthosesites。They'reallprivateproperty，withnobuildingrestrictionsattached。'
"'Whichmemorial？'heasked；'nottheoneinfrontofBuckinghamPalace？Surelynotthatone？'
"'Thatone，'shesaid。
"'Mydearlady，'hecried，'youcan'tbeserious。Itisabeautifulandimposingworkofart——atanyrateoneisgettingaccustomedtoit，andevenifonedoesn'thappentoadmireitonecanalwayslookinanotherdirection。Butimaginewhatlifewouldbelikeifonesawthaterectionconfrontingonewhereveronewent。Imaginetheeffectonpeoplewithtired，harassednerveswhosawitthreetimesonthewaytoBrightonandthreetimesonthewayback。ImagineseeingitdominatethelandscapeatAscot，andtryingtokeepyoureyeoffitontheSandwichgolflinks。Whathaveyourcountrymendonetodeservesuchathing？'
"'Theyhaverefusedusthevote，'saidLenabitterly。
"ThePrimeMinisteralwaysdeclaredhimselfanopponentofanythingsavouringofpaniclegislation，buthebroughtaBillintoParliamentforthwithandsuccessfullyappealedtobothHousestopassitthroughallitsstageswithintheweek。Andthatishowwegotoneofthemostgloriousmeasuresofthecentury。"
"Ameasureconferringthevoteonwomen？"askedthenephew。
"Ohdear，no。AnActwhichmadeitapenaloffencetoerectcommemorativestatuaryanywherewithinthreemilesofapublichighway。"
EXCEPTINGMRS。PENTHERBY
ItwasReggieBruttle'sownideaforconvertingwhathadthreatenedtobeanalbinoelephantintoabeastofburdenthatshouldhelphimalongthestonyroadofhisfinances。"TheLimes，"whichhadcometohimbyinheritancewithoutanyaccompanyingprovisionforitsupkeep，wasoneofthosepretentious，unaccommodatingmansionswhichnonebutamanofwealthcouldaffordtolivein，andwhichnotonewealthymaninahundredwouldchooseonitsmerits。Itmighteasilylanguishintheestatemarketforyears，setroundwithnoticeboardsproclaimingit，intheeyesofascepticalworld，tobeaneminentlydesirableresidence。
Reggie'sschemewastoturnitintotheheadquartersofaprolongedcountry-houseparty，insessionduringthemonthsfromOctobertilltheendofMarch——apartyconsistingofyoungoryoungishpeopleofbothsexes，toopoortobeabletodomuchhuntingorshootingonaseriousscale，butkeenongettingtheirfillofgolf，bridge，dancing，andoccasionaltheatre-going。Noonewastobeonthefootingofapayingguest，buteveryonewastorankasapayinghost；acommitteewouldlookafterthecateringandexpenditure，andaninformalsub-committeewouldmakeitselfusefulinhelpingforwardtheamusementsideofthescheme。
Asitwasonlyanexperiment，therewastobeageneralagreementonthepartofthoseinvolvedinittobeaslenientandmutuallyhelpfultooneanotheraspossible。Alreadyapromisingnucleus，includingoneortwoyoungmarriedcouples，hadbeengottogether，andthethingseemedtobefairlylaunched。
"Withgoodmanagementandalittleunobtrusivehardwork，Ithinkthethingoughttobeasuccess，"saidReggie，andReggiewasoneofthosepeoplewhoarepainstakingfirstandoptimisticafterwards。
"Thereisonerockonwhichyouwillunfailinglycometogrief，manageyouneversowisely，"saidMajorDagberry，cheerfully；"thewomenwillquarrel。Mindyou，"continuedthisprophetofdisaster，"Idon'tsaythatsomeofthemenwon'tquarreltoo，probablytheywill；butthewomenareboundto。Youcan'tpreventit；it'sinthenatureofthesex。Thehandthatrocksthecradlerockstheworld，inavolcanicsense。Awomanwillendurediscomforts，andmakesacrifices，andgowithoutthingstoanheroicextent，buttheoneluxuryshewillnotgowithoutisherquarrels。Nomatterwhereshemaybe，orhowtransientherappearanceonascene，shewillinstalherfemininefeudsasassuredlyasaFrenchmanwouldconcoctsoupinthewasteoftheArcticregions。Atthecommencementofaseavoyage，beforethemaletravellerknowshalfadozenofhisfellowpassengersbysight，theaveragewomanwillhavestartedacoupleofenmities，andlaidinmaterialforoneortwomore——provided，ofcourse，thattherearesufficientwomenaboardtopermitquarrellingintheplural。Ifthere'snooneelseshewillquarrelwiththestewardess。Thisexperimentofyoursistorunforsixmonths；inlessthanfiveweekstherewillbewartotheknifedeclaringitselfinhalfadozendifferentdirections。"
"Oh，come，thereareonlyeightwomenintheparty；theywon'tpickquarrelsquitesosoonasthat，"protestedReggie。
"Theywon'talloriginatequarrels，perhaps，"concededtheMajor，"buttheywillalltakesides，andjustasChristmasisuponyou，withitsconventionsofpeaceandgoodwill，youwillfindyourselfinforaglacialepochofcold，unforgivinghostility，withanoccasionalEtnaflareofopenwarfare。Youcan'thelpit，oldboy；
but，atanyrate，youcan'tsayyouwerenotwarned。"
ThefirstfiveweeksoftheventurefalsifiedMajorDagberry'spredictionandjustifiedReggie'soptimism。Therewere，ofcourse，occasionalsmallbickerings，andtheexistenceofcertainjealousiesmightbedetectedbelowthesurfaceofeverydayintercourse；but，onthewhole，thewomenfolkgotonremarkablywelltogether。Therewas，however，anotableexception。IthadnottakenfiveweeksforMrs。Pentherbytogetherselfcordiallydislikedbythemembersofherownsex；fivedayshadbeenamplysufficient。Mostofthewomendeclaredthattheyhaddetestedherthemomenttheyseteyesonher；
butthatwasprobablyanafterthought。
Withthemenfolkshegotonwellenough，withoutbeingofthetypeofwomanwhocanonlybaskinmalesociety；neitherwasshelackinginthegeneralqualitieswhichmakeanindividualusefulanddesirableasamemberofaco-operativecommunity。Shedidnottryto"getthebetterof"herfellow-hostsbysnatchinglittleadvantagesorcleverlyevadingherjustcontributions；shewasnotinclinedtobeboringorsnobbishinthewayofpersonalreminiscence。Sheplayedafairgameofbridge，andhercard-roommannerswereirreproachable。Butwherevershecameincontactwithherownsexthelightofbattlekindledatonce；hertalentofarousinganimosityseemedtoborderonpositivegenius。
Whethertheobjectofherattentionswasthick-skinnedorsensitive，quick-temperedorgood-natured，Mrs。Pentherbymanagedtoachievethesameeffect。Sheexposedlittleweaknesses，sheproddedsoreplaces，shesnubbedenthusiasms，shewasgenerallyrightinamatterofargument，or，ifwrong，shesomehowcontrivedtomakeheradversaryappearfoolishandopinionated。Shedid，andsaid，horriblethingsinamatter-of-factinnocentway，andshedid，andsaid，matter-of-factinnocentthingsinahorribleway。Inshort，theunanimousfeminineverdictonherwasthatshewasobjectionable。
Therewasnoquestionoftakingsides，astheMajorhadanticipated；
infact，dislikeofMrs。Pentherbywasalmostabondofunionbetweentheotherwomen，andmorethanonethreateningdisagreementhadbeenrapidlydissipatedbyherobviousandmaliciousattemptstoinflameandextendit；andthemostirritatingthingaboutherwashersuccessfulassumptionofunruffledcomposureatmomentswhenthetempersofheradversarieswerewithdifficultykeptundercontrol。
ShemadehermostscathingremarksinthetoneofatubeconductorannouncingthatthenextstationisBromptonRoad——themeasured，listlesstoneofonewhoknowsheisright，butisutterlyindifferenttothefactthatheproclaims。
OnoneoccasionMrs。ValGwepton，whowasnotblessedwiththemostreposefuloftemperaments，fairlyletherselfgo，andgaveMrs。
Pentherbyavividandtruthfulresumeofheropinionofher。Theobjectofthisunpentstormofaccumulatedanimositywaitedpatientlyforalull，andthenremarkedquietlytotheangrylittlewoman-
"Andnow，mydearMrs。Gwepton，letmetellyousomethingthatI'vebeenwantingtosayforthelasttwoorthreeminutes，onlyyouwouldn'tgivenmeachance；you'vegotahairpindroppingoutontheleftside。Youthin-hairedwomenalwaysfinditdifficulttokeepyourhairpinsin。"
"Whatcanonedowithawomanlikethat？"Mrs。Valdemandedafterwardsofasympathisingaudience。
Ofcourse，Reggiereceivednumeroushintsastotheunpopularityofthisjarringpersonality。Hissister-in-lawopenlytackledhimonthesubjectofhermanyenormities。ReggielistenedwiththeattenuatedregretthatonebestowsonanearthquakedisasterinBoliviaoracropfailureinEasternTurkestan，eventswhichseemsodistantthatonecanalmostpersuadeoneselftheyhaven'thappened。
"Thatwomanhasgotsomeholdoverhim，"opinedhissister-in-law，darkly；"eithersheishelpinghimtofinancetheshow，andpresumesonthefact，orelse，whichHeavenforbid，he'sgotsomequeerinfatuationforher。Mendotakethemostextraordinaryfancies。"
Mattersnevercameexactlytoacrisis。Mrs。Pentherby，asasourceofpersonaloffence，spreadherselfoversowideanareathatnoonewomanofthepartyfeltimpelledtoriseupanddeclarethatsheabsolutelyrefusedtostayanotherweekinthesamehousewithher。
Whatiseverybody'stragedyisnobody'stragedy。Therewaseveracertainconsolationincomparingnotesastospecificactsofoffence。Reggie'ssister-in-lawhadtheaddedinterestoftryingtodiscoverthesecretbondwhichbluntedhiscondemnationofMrs。
Pentherby'slongcatalogueofmisdeeds。Therewaslittletogoonfromhismannertowardsherinpublic，butheremainedobstinatelyunimpressedbyanythingthatwassaidagainstherinprivate。
WiththeoneexceptionofMrs。Pentherby'sunpopularity，thehouse-
partyschemewasasuccessonitsfirsttrial，andtherewasnodifficultyaboutreconstructingitonthesamelinesforanotherwintersession。Itsohappenedthatmostofthewomenoftheparty，andtwoorthreeofthemen，wouldnotbeavailableonthisoccasion，butReggiehadlaidhisplanswellaheadandbookedplentyof"freshblood"forthedeparture。Itwouldbe，ifanything，ratheralargerpartythanbefore。
"I'msosorryIcan'tjointhiswinter，"saidReggie'ssister-in-
law，"butwemustgotoourcousinsinIreland；we'veputthemoffsooften。Whatashame！You'llhavenoneofthesamewomenthistime。"
"ExceptingMrs。Pentherby，"saidReggie，demurely。
"Mrs。Pentherby！SURELY，Reggie，you'renotgoingtobesoidioticastohavethatwomanagain！She'llsetallthewomen'sbacksupjustasshedidthistime。WhatISthismysteriousholdshe'sgooveryou？"
"She'sinvaluable，"saidReggie；"she'smyofficialquarreller。"
"Your——whatdidyousay？"gaspedhissister-in-law。
"Iintroducedherintothehouse-partyfortheexpresspurposeofconcentratingthefeudsandquarrellingthatwouldotherwisehavebrokenoutinalldirectionsamongthewomenkind。Ididn'tneedtheadviceandwarningofsundryfriendstoforeseethatweshouldn'tgetthroughsixmonthsofclosecompanionshipwithoutacertainamountofpeckingandsparring，soIthoughtthebestthingwastolocaliseandsteriliseitinoneprocess。Ofcourse，Imadeitwellworththelady'swhile，andasshedidn'tknowanyofyoufromAdam，andyoudon'tevenknowherrealname，shedidn'tmindgettingherselfdislikedinausefulcause。"
"Youmeantosayshewasintheknowallthetime？"
"Ofcourseshewas，andsowereoneortwoofthemen，soshewasabletohaveagoodlaughwithusbehindthesceneswhenshe'ddoneanythingparticularlyoutrageous。Andshereallyenjoyedherself。
Yousee，she'sinthepositionofpoorrelationinaratherpugnaciousfamily，andherlifehasbeenlargelyspentinsmoothingoverotherpeople'squarrels。Youcanimaginethewelcomereliefofbeingabletogoaboutsayinganddoingperfectlyexasperatingthingstoawholehousefulofwomen——andallinthecauseofpeace。"
"Ithinkyouarethemostodiouspersoninthewholeworld，"saidReggie'ssister-in-law。Whichwasnotstrictlytrue；morethananybody，morethanevershedislikedMrs。Pentherby。Itwasimpossibletocalculatehowmanyquarrelsthatwomanhaddoneheroutof。
MARK
AugustusMellowkentwasanovelistwithafuture；thatistosay，alimitedbutincreasingnumberofpeoplereadhisbooks，andthereseemedgoodreasontosupposethatifhesteadilycontinuedtoturnoutnovelsyearbyyearaprogressivelyincreasingcircleofreaderswouldacquiretheMellowkenthabit，anddemandhisworksfromthelibrariesandbookstalls。AttheinstigationofhispublisherhehaddiscardedthebaptismalAugustusandtakenthefrontnameofMark。
"Womenlikeanamethatsuggestssomeonestrongandsilent，ablebutunwillingtoanswerquestions。Augustusmerelysuggestsidlesplendour，butsuchanameasMarkMellowkent，besidesbeingalliterative，conjuresupavisionofsomeonestrongandbeautifulandgood，asortofblendofGeorgesCarpentierandtheReverendWhat's-his-name。"
OnemorninginDecemberAugustussatinhiswriting-room，atworkonthethirdchapterofhiseighthnovel。Hehaddescribedatsomelength，forthebenefitofthosewhocouldnotimagineit，whatarectorygardenlookslikeinJuly；hewasnowengagedindescribingatgreaterlengththefeelingsofayounggirl，daughterofalonglineofrectorsandarchdeacons，whenshediscoversforthefirsttimethatthepostmanisattractive。
"Theireyesmet，forabriefmoment，ashehandedhertwocircularsandthefatwrapper-boundbulkoftheEastEssexNews。Theireyesmet，forthemerestfractionofasecond，yetnothingcouldeverbequitethesameagain。Costwhatitmightshefeltthatshemustspeak，mustbreaktheintolerable，unrealsilencethathadfallenonthem。'Howisyourmother'srheumatism？'shesaid。"
Theauthor'slabourswerecutshortbythesuddenintrusionofamaidservant。
"Agentlemantoseeyou，sir，"saidthemaid，handingacardwiththenameCaiaphasDwelfinscribedonit；"saysit'simportant。"
Mellowkenthesitatedandyielded；theimportanceofthevisitor'smissionwasprobablyillusory，buthehadnevermetanyonewiththenameCaiaphasbefore。Itwouldbeatleastanewexperience。
Mr。Dwelfwasamanofindefiniteage；hishigh，narrowforehead，coldgreyeyes，anddeterminedmannerbespokeanunflinchingpurpose。Hehadalargebookunderhisarm，andthereseemedeveryprobabilitythathehadleftapackageofsimilarvolumesinthehall。Hetookaseatbeforeithadbeenofferedhim，placedthebookonthetable，andbegantoaddressMellowkentinthemannerofan"openletter。"
"Youarealiteraryman，theauthorofseveralwell-knownbooks——"
"Iamengageonabookatthepresentmoment——ratherbusilyengaged，"saidMellowkent，pointedly。
"Exactly，"saidtheintruder；"timewithyouisacommodityofconsiderableimportance。Minutes，even，havetheirvalue。"
"Theyhave，"agreedMellowkent，lookingathiswatch。
"That，"saidCaiaphas，"iswhythisbookthatIamintroducingtoyournoticeisnotabookthatyoucanaffordtobewithout。'RightHere'isindispensableforthewritingman；itisnoordinaryencyclopaedia，orIshouldnottroubletoshowittoyou。Itisaninexhaustiblemineofconciseinformation——"
"Onashelfatmyelbow，"saidtheauthor，"IhavearowofreferencebooksthatsupplymewithalltheinformationIamlikelytorequire。"
"Here，"persistedthewould-besalesman，"youhaveitallinonecompactvolume。Nomatterwhatthesubjectmaybewhichyouwishtolookup，orthefactyoudesiretoverify，'RightHere'givesyouallthatyouwanttoknowinthebriefestandmostenlighteningform。Historicalreference，forinstance；careerofJohnHuss，letussay。Hereweare：'Huss，John，celebratedreligiousreformer。
Born1369，burnedatConstance1415。TheEmperorSigismunduniversallyblamed。'"
"IfhehadbeenburntinthesedayseveryonewouldhavesuspectedtheSuffragettes，"observedMellowkent。
"Poultry-keeping，now，"resumedCaiaphas，"that'sasubjectthatmightcropupinanoveldealingwithEnglishcountrylife。Herewehaveallaboutit：'TheLeghornasegg-producer。LackofmaternalinstinctintheMinorca。Gapesinchickens，itscauseandcure。
Ducklingsfortheearlymarket，howfattened。'There，yousee，thereitallis，nothinglacking。"
"ExceptthematernalinstinctintheMinorca，andthatyoucouldhardlybeexpectedtosupply。"
"Sportingrecords，that'simportant，too；nowhowmanymen，sportingmeneven，aretherewhocansayoff-handwhathorsewontheDerbyinanyparticularyear？Nowit'sjustalittlethingofthatsort——"
"Mydearsir，"interruptedMellowkent，"thereareatleastfourmeninmyclubwhocannotonlytellmewhathorsewoninanygivenyear，butwhathorseoughttohavewonandwhyitdidn't。Ifyourbookcouldsupplyamethodforprotectingonefrominformationofthatsortitwoulddomorethananythingyouhaveyetclaimedforit。"
"Geography，"saidCaiaphas，imperturbably；"that'sathingthatabusyman，writingathighpressure，mayeasilymakeaslipover。
Onlytheotherdayawell-knownauthormadetheVolgaflowintotheBlackSeainsteadoftheCaspian；now，withthisbook——"
"Onapolishedrose-woodstandbehindyoutherereposesareliableandup-to-dateatlas，"saidMellowkent；"andnowImustreallyaskyoutobegoing。"
"Anatlas，"saidCaiaphas，"givesmerelythechartoftheriver'scourse，andindicatestheprincipaltownsthatitpasses。NowRightHeregivesyouthescenery，traffic，ferry-boatcharges，theprevalenttypesoffish，boatmen'sslangterms，andhoursofsailingoftheprincipalriversteamers。Ifgivesyou——"
Mellowkentsatandwatchedthehard-featured，resolute，pitilesssalesman，ashesatdoggedlyinthechairwhereinhehadinstalledhimself，unflinchinglyextollingthemeritsofhisundesiredwares。
Aspiritofwistfulemulationtookpossessionoftheauthor；whycouldhenotliveuptothecoldsternnamehehadadopted？Whymusthesithereweaklyandlistentothisweary，unconvincingtirade，whycouldhenotbeMarkMellowkentforafewbriefmoments，andmeetthismanonlevelterms？
Asuddeninspirationflashedacrosshis。
"Haveyoureadmylastbook，TheCagelessLinnet？"heasked。
"Idon'treadnovels，"saidCaiaphastersely。
"Oh，butyououghttoreadthisone，everyoneoughtto，"exclaimedMellowkent，fishingthebookdownfromashelf；"publishedatsixshillings，youcanhaveitatfour-and-six。ThereisabitinchapterfivethatIfeelsureyouwouldlike，whereEmmaisaloneinthebirchcopsewaitingforHaroldHuntingdon——thatisthemanherfamilywanthertomarry。Shereallywantstomarryhim，too，butshedoesnotdiscoverthattillchapterfifteen。Listen：'Farastheeyecouldstretchrolledthemauveandpurplebillowsofheather，lituphereandtherewiththeglowingyellowofgorseandbroom，andedgedroundwiththedelicategreysandsilverandgreenoftheyoungbirchtrees。Tinyblueandbrownbutterfliesflutteredabovethefrondsofheather，revellinginthesunlight，andoverheadthelarksweresingingasonlylarkscansing。ItwasadaywhenallNature——"
"In'RightHere'youhavefullinformationonallbranchesofNaturestudy，"brokeinthebookagent，withatirednotesoundinginhisvoiceforthefirsttime；"forestry，insectlife，birdmigration，reclamationofwastelands。AsIwassaying，nomanwhohastodealwiththevariedinterestsoflife——"
"Iwonderifyouwouldcareforoneofmyearlierbooks，TheReluctanceofLadyCullumpton，"saidMellowkent，huntingagainthroughthebookshelf；"somepeopleconsideritmybestnovel。Ah，hereitis。Iseethereareoneortwospotsonthecover，soI
won'taskmorethanthree-and-ninepenceforit。Doletmereadyouhowitopens：
"'BeatriceLadyCullumptonenteredthelong，dimly-litdrawing-room，hereyesblazingwithahopethatsheguessedtobegroundless，herlipstremblingwithafearthatshecouldnotdisguise。Inherhandshecarriedasmallfan，afragiletoyoflaceandsatinwood。
Somethingsnappedassheenteredtheroom；shehadcrushedthefanintoadozenpieces。'
"There，whatdoyouthinkofthatforanopening？Ittellsyouatoncethatthere'ssomethingafoot。"
"Idon'treadnovels，"saidCaiaphassullenly。
"Butjustthinkwhataresourcetheyare，"exclaimedtheauthor，"onlongwinterevenings，orperhapswhenyouarelaidupwithastrainedankle——athingthatmighthappentoanyone；orifyouwerestayinginahouse-partywithpersistentwetweatherandastupidhostessandinsufferablydullfellow-guests，youwouldjustmakeanexcusethatyouhadletterstowrite，gotoyourroom，lightacigarette，andforthree-and-ninepenceyoucouldplungeintothesocietyofBeatriceLadyCullumptonandherset。Nooneoughttotravelwithoutoneortwoofmynovelsintheirluggageasastand-
by。AfriendofminesaidonlytheotherdaythathewouldassoonthinkofgoingintothetropicswithoutquinineasofgoingonavisitwithoutacoupleofMarkMellowkentsinhiskit-bag。Perhapssensationismoreinyourline。IwonderifI'vegotacopyofThePython'sKiss。"
Caiaphasdidnotwaittobetemptedwithselectionsfromthatthrillingworkoffiction。Withamutteredremarkabouthavingnotimetowasteonmonkey-talk，hegathereduphisslightedvolumeanddeparted。HemadenoaudiblereplytoMellowkent'scheerful"Goodmorning，"butthelatterfanciedthatalookofrespectfulhatredflickeredinthecoldgreyeyes。
THEHEDGEHOG
A"MixedDouble"ofyoungpeoplewerecontestingagameoflawntennisattheRectorygardenparty；forthepastfive-and-twentyyearsatleastmixeddoublesofyoungpeoplehaddoneexactlythesamethingonexactlythesamespotataboutthesametimeofyear。
Theyoungpeoplechangedandmadewayforothersinthecourseoftime，butverylittleelseseemedtoalter。Thepresentplayersweresufficientlyconsciousofthesocialnatureoftheoccasiontobeconcernedabouttheirclothesandappearance，andsufficientlysport-lovingtobekeenonthegame。Boththeireffortsandtheirappearancecameunderthefourfoldscrutinyofaquartetofladiessittingasofficialspectatorsonabenchimmediatelycommandingthecourt。ItwasoneoftheacceptedconditionsoftheRectorygardenpartythatfourladies，whousuallyknewverylittleabouttennisandagreatdealabouttheplayers，shouldsitatthatparticularspotandwatchthegame。Ithadalsocometobealmostatraditionthattwoladiesshouldbeamiable，andthattheothertwoshouldbeMrs。DoleandMrs。Hatch-Mallard。
"WhatasingularlyunbecomingwayEvaJonelethastakentodoingherhairin，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard；"it'suglyhairatthebestoftimes，butsheneedn'tmakeitlookridiculousaswell。Someoneoughttotellher。"
EvaJonelet'shairmighthaveescapedMrs。Hatch-Mallard'scondemnationifshecouldhaveforgottenthemoreglaringfactthatEvawasMrs。Dole'sfavouriteniece。Itwould，perhaps，havebeenamorecomfortablearrangementifMrs。Hatch-MallardandMrs。DolecouldhavebeenaskedtotheRectoryonseparateoccasions，buttherewasonlyonegardenpartyinthecourseoftheyear，andneitherladycouldhavebeenomittedfromthelistofinvitationswithouthopelesslywreckingthesocialpeaceoftheparish。
"Howprettytheyewtreeslookatthistimeofyear，"interposedaladywithasoft，silveryvoicethatsuggestedachinchillamuffpaintedbyWhistler。
"Whatdoyoumeanbythistimeofyear？"demandedMrs。Hatch-
Mallard。"Yewtreeslookbeautifulatalltimesoftheyear。Thatistheirgreatcharm。"
"Yewtreesneverlookanythingbuthideousunderanycircumstancesoratanytimeofyear，"saidMrs。Dole，withtheslow，emphaticrelishofonewhocontradictsforthepleasureofthething。"Theyareonlyfitforgraveyardsandcemeteries。"
Mrs。Hatch-Mallardgaveasardonicsnort，which，beingtranslated，meantthatthereweresomepeoplewhowerebetterfittedforcemeteriesthanforgardenparties。
"Whatisthescore，please？"askedtheladywiththechinchillavoice。
Thedesiredinformationwasgivenherbyayounggentlemaninspotlesswhiteflannels，whosegeneraltoileteffectsuggestedsolicituderatherthananxiety。
"WhatanodiousyoungcubBertieDyksonhasbecome！"pronouncedMrs。
Dole，rememberingsuddenlythatBertiewasafavouritewithMrs。
Hatch-Mallard。"Theyoungmenofto-dayarenotwhattheyusedtobetwentyyearsago。"
"Ofcoursenot，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard；"twentyyearsagoBertieDyksonwasjusttwoyearsold，andyoumustexpectsomedifferenceinappearanceandmannerandconversationbetweenthosetwoperiods。"
"Doyouknow，"saidMrs。Dole，confidentially，"Ishouldn'tbesurprisedifthatwasintendedtobeclever。"
"Haveyouanyoneinterestingcomingtostaywithyou，Mrs。
Norbury？"askedthechinchillavoice，hastily；"yougenerallyhaveahousepartyatthistimeofyear。"
"I'vegotamostinterestingwomancoming，"saidMrs。Norbury，whohadbeenmutelystrugglingforsomechancetoturntheconversationintoasafechannel；"anoldacquaintanceofmine，AdaBleek——"
"Whatanuglyname，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard。
"She'sdescendedfromthedelaBliques，anoldHuguenotfamilyofTouraine，youknow。"
"Thereweren'tanyHuguenotsinTouraine，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard，whothoughtshemightsafelydisputeanyfactthatwasthreehundredyearsold。
"Well，anyhow，she'scomingtostaywithme，"continuedMrs。
Norbury，bringingherstoryquicklydowntothepresentday，"shearrivesthisevening，andshe'shighlyclairvoyante，aseventhdaughterofaseventhdaughter，younow，andallthatsortofthing。"
"Howveryinteresting，"saidthechinchillavoice；"Exwoodisjusttherightplaceforhertocometo，isn'tit？Therearesupposedtobeseveralghoststhere。"
"Thatiswhyshewassoanxioustocome，"saidMrs。Norbury；"sheputoffanotherengagementinordertoacceptmyinvitation。She'shadvisionsanddreams，andallthosesortofthings，thathavecometrueinamostmarvellousmanner，butshe'sneveractuallyseenaghost，andshe'slongingtohavethatexperience。ShebelongstothatResearchSociety，youknow。"
"Iexpectshe'llseetheunhappyLadyCullumpton，themostfamousofalltheExwoodghosts，"saidMrs。Dole；"myancestor，youknow，SirGervaseCullumpton，murderedhisyoungbrideinafitofjealousywhiletheywereonavisittoExwood。Hestrangledherinthestableswithastirrupleather，justaftertheyhadcomeinfromriding，andsheisseensometimesatduskgoingaboutthelawnsandthestableyard，inalonggreenhabit，moaningandtryingtogetthethongfromroundherthroat。Ishallbemostinterestedtohearifyourfriendsees——"
"Idon'tknowwhysheshouldbeexpectedtoseeatrashy，traditionalapparitionliketheso-calledCullumptonghost，thatisonlyvouchedforbyhousemaidsandtipsystable-boys，whenmyuncle，whowastheownerofExwood，committedsuicidethereunderthemosttragicalcircumstances，andmostcertainlyhauntstheplace。"
"Mrs。Hatch-MallardhasevidentlyneverreadPopple'sCountyHistory，"saidMrs。Doleicily，"orshewouldknowthattheCullumptonghosthasawealthofevidencebehindit——"
"Oh，Popple！"exclaimedMrs。Hatch-Mallardscornfully；"anyrubbishyoldstoryisgoodenoughforhim。Popple，indeed！Nowmyuncle'sghostwasseenbyaRuralDean，whowasalsoaJusticeofthePeace。
Ishouldthinkthatwouldbegoodenoughtestimonyforanyone。
Mrs。Norbury，Ishalltakeitasadeliberatepersonalaffrontifyourclairvoyantefriendseesanyotherghostexceptthatofmyuncle。"
"Idaresayshewon'tseeanythingatall；sheneverhasyet，youknow，"saidMrs。Norburyhopefully。
"Itwasamostunfortunatetopicformetohavebroached，"shelamentedafterwardstotheownerofthechinchillavoice；"ExwoodbelongstoMrs。Hatch-Mallard，andwe'veonlygotitonashortlease。Anephewofhershasbeenwantingtolivethereforsometime，andifweoffendherinanywayshe'llrefusetorenewthelease。Isometimesthinkthesegarden-partiesareamistake。"
TheNorburysplayedbridgeforthenextthreenightstillnearlyoneo'clock；theydidnotcareforthegame，butitreducedthetimeattheirguest'sdisposalforundesirableghostlyvisitations。
"MissBleekisnotlikelytobeinaframeofmindtoseeghosts，"
saidHugoNorbury，"ifshegoestobedwithherbrainawhirlwithroyalspadesandnotrumpsandgrandslams。"
"I'vetalkedtoherforhoursaboutMrs。Hatch-Mallard'suncle，"
saidhiswife，"andpointedouttheexactspotwherehekilledhimself，andinventedallsortsofimpressivedetails，andI'vefoundanoldportraitofLordJohnRussellandputitinherroom，andtoldherthatit'ssupposedtobeapictureoftheuncleinmiddleage。IfAdadoesseeaghostatallitcertainlyoughttobeoldHatch-Mallard's。Atanyrate，we'vedoneourbest。"
Theprecautionswereinvain。OnthethirdmorningofherstayAdaBleekcamedownlatetobreakfast，hereyeslookingverytired，butablazewithexcitement，herhairdoneanyhow，andalargebrownvolumehuggedunderherarm。
"AtlastI'veseensomethingsupernatural！"sheexclaimed，andgaveMrs。Norburyaferventkiss，asthoughingratitudefortheopportunityaffordedher。
"Aghost！"criedMrs。Norbury，"notreally！"
"Reallyandunmistakably！"
"Wasitanoldishmaninthedressofaboutfiftyyearsago？"askedMrs。Norburyhopefully。
"Nothingofthesort，"saidAda；"itwasawhitehedgehog。"
"Awhitehedgehog！"exclaimedboththeNorburys，intonesofdisconcertedastonishment。
"Ahugewhitehedgehogwithbalefulyelloweyes，"saidAda；"IwaslyinghalfasleepinbedwhensuddenlyIfeltasensationasofsomethingsinisterandunaccountablepassingthroughtheroom。I
satupandlookedround，andthere，underthewindow，Isawanevil，creepingthing，asortofmonstroushedgehog，ofadirtywhitecolour，withblack，loathsomeclawsthatclickedandscrapedalongthefloor，andnarrow，yelloweyesofindescribableevil。Itslitheredalongforayardortwo，alwayslookingatmewithitscruel，hideouseyes，then，whenitreachedthesecondwindow，whichwasopenitclamberedupthesillandvanished。Igotupatonceandwenttothewindow；therewasn'tasignofitanywhere。Ofcourse，Iknewitmustbesomethingfromanotherworld，butitwasnottillIturnedupPopple'schapteronlocaltraditionsthatI
realisedwhatIhadseen。"
Sheturnedeagerlytothelargebrownvolumeandread："'NicholasHerison，anoldmiser，washungatBatchfordin1763forthemurderofafarmladwhohadaccidentallydiscoveredhissecrethoard。Hisghostissupposedtotraversethecountryside，appearingsometimesasawhiteowl，sometimesasahugewhitehedgehog。"
"IexpectyoureadthePopplestoryovernight，andthatmadeyouTHINKyousawahedgehogwhenyouwereonlyhalfawake，"saidMrs。
Norbury，hazardingaconjecturethatprobablycameverynearthetruth。
Adascoutedthepossibilityofsuchasolutionofherapparition。
"Thismustbehushedup，"saidMrs。Norburyquickly；"theservants——
"
"Hushedup！"exclaimedAda，indignantly；"I'mwritingalongreportonitfortheResearchSociety。"
ItwasthenthatHugoNorbury，whoisnotnaturallyamanofbrilliantresource，hadoneofthereallyusefulinspirationsofhislife。
"Itwasverywickedofus，MissBleek，"hesaid，"butitwouldbeashametoletitgofurther。Thatwhitehedgehogisanoldjokeofours；stuffedalbinohedgehog，youknow，thatmyfatherbroughthomefromJamaica，wheretheygrowtoenormoussize。Wehideitintheroomwithastringonit，runoneendofthestringthroughthewindow；thenwepulliffrombelowanditcomesscrapingalongthefloor，justasyou'vedescribed，andfinallyjerksoutofthewindow。Takeninheapsofpeople；theyallreadupPoppleandthinkit'soldHarryNicholson'sghost；wealwaysstopthemfromwritingtothepapersaboutit，though。Thatwouldbecarryingmatterstoofar。"
Mrs。Hatch-Mallardrenewedtheleaseinduecourse，butAdaBleekhasneverrenewedherfriendship。