"It’sbypictures，pictureslikethatonemustgetatyou，"I
　　thoughttomyself，thoughIdidspeakwithrealfeeling，andallatonceIflushedcrimson。"Whatifsheweresuddenlytoburstoutlaughing，whatshouldIdothen？"Thatideadrovemetofury。TowardstheendofmyspeechIreallywasexcited，andnowmyvanitywassomehowwounded。Thesilencecontinued。Ialmostnudgedher。
　　"Whyareyou——"shebeganandstopped。ButIunderstood：therewasaquiverofsomethingdifferentinhervoice，notabrupt，harshandunyieldingasbefore，butsomethingsoftandshamefaced，soshamefacedthatIsuddenlyfeltashamedandguilty。
　　"What？"Iasked，withtendercuriosity"Why，you……"
　　"What？"
　　"Why，you……speaksomehowlikeabook，"shesaid，andagaintherewasanoteofironyinhervoice。
　　Thatremarksentapangtomyheart。ItwasnotwhatIwasexpecting。
　　Ididnotunderstandthatshewashidingherfeelingsunderirony，thatthisisusuallythelastrefugeofmodestandchaste-souledpeoplewhentheprivacyoftheirsouliscoarselyandintrusivelyinvaded，andthattheirpridemakesthemrefusetosurrendertillthelastmomentandshrinkfromgivingexpressiontotheirfeelingsbeforeyou。Ioughttohaveguessedthetruthfromthetimiditywithwhichshehadrepeatedlyapproachedhersarcasm，onlybringingherselftoutteritatlastwithaneffort。ButIdidnotguess，andanevilfeelingtookpossessionofme。
　　"Waitabit！"Ithought。
　　VII
　　"Oh，hush，Liza！Howcanyoutalkaboutbeinglikeabook，whenitmakesevenme，anoutsider，feelsick？ThoughIdon’tlookatitasanoutsider，for，indeed，ittouchesmetotheheart……Isitpossible，isitpossiblethatyoudonotfeelsickatbeinghereyourself？Evidentlyhabitdoeswonders！Godknowswhathabitcandowithanyone。Canyouseriouslythinkthatyouwillnevergrowold，thatyouwillalwaysbegood-looking，andthattheywillkeepyouhereforeverandever？Isaynothingoftheloathsomenessofthelifehere……Thoughletmetellyouthisaboutit——aboutyourpresentlife，Imean;herethoughyouareyoungnow，attractive，nice，withsoulandfeeling，yetyouknowassoonasIcametomyselfjustnowIfeltatoncesickatbeingherewithyou！Onecanonlycomeherewhenoneisdrunk。Butifyouwereanywhereelse，livingasgoodpeoplelive，Ishouldperhapsbemorethanattractedbyyou，shouldfallinlovewithyou，shouldbegladofalookfromyou，letaloneaword;I
　　shouldhangaboutyourdoor，shouldgodownonmykneestoyou，shouldlookuponyouasmybetrothedandthinkitanhonourtobeallowedto。Ishouldnotdaretohaveanimpurethoughtaboutyou。Buthere，yousee，IknowthatIhaveonlytowhistleandyouhavetocomewithmewhetheryoulikeitornot。Idon’tconsultyourwishes，butyoumine。Thelowestlabourerhireshimselfasaworkman，buthedoesn’tmakeaslaveofhimselfaltogether;besides，heknowsthathewillbefreeagainpresently。Butwhenareyoufree？Onlythinkwhatyouaregivinguphere？Whatisityouaremakingaslaveof？Itisyoursoul，togetherwithyourbody;youaresellingyoursoulwhichyouhavenorighttodisposeof！Yougiveyourlovetobeoutragedbyeverydrunkard！Love！Butthat’severything，youknow，it’sapricelessdiamond，it’samaiden’streasure，love——why，amanwouldbereadytogivehissoul，tofacedeathtogainthatlove。Buthowmuchisyourloveworthnow？Youaresold，allofyou，bodyandsoul，andthereisnoneedtostriveforlovewhenyoucanhaveeverythingwithoutlove。Andyouknowthereisnogreaterinsulttoagirlthanthat，doyouunderstand？Tobesure，Ihaveheardthattheycomfortyou，poorfools，theyletyouhaveloversofyourownhere。Butyouknowthat’ssimplyafarce，that’ssimplyasham，it’sjustlaughingatyou，andyouaretakeninbyit！Why，doyousupposehereallylovesyou，thatloverofyours？Idon’tbelieveit。Howcanheloveyouwhenheknowsyoumaybecalledawayfromhimanyminute？Hewouldbealowfellowifhedid！Willhehaveagrainofrespectforyou？Whathaveyouincommonwithhim？Helaughsatyouandrobsyou——thatisallhisloveamountsto！Youareluckyifhedoesnotbeatyou。Verylikelyhedoesbeatyou，too。Askhim，ifyouhavegotone，whetherhewillmarryyou。
　　Hewilllaughinyourface，ifhedoesn’tspitinitorgiveyouablow——thoughmaybeheisnotworthabadhalfpennyhimself。
　　Andforwhathaveyouruinedyourlife，ifyoucometothinkofit？Forthecoffeetheygiveyoutodrinkandtheplentifulmeals？Butwithwhatobjectaretheyfeedingyouup？Anhonestgirlcouldn’tswallowthefood，forshewouldknowwhatshewasbeingfedfor。Youareindebthere，and，ofcourse，youwillalwaysbeindebt，andyouwillgoonindebttotheend，tillthevisitorsherebegintoscornyou。Andthatwillsoonhappen，don’trelyuponyouryouth——allthatfliesbyexpresstrainhere，youknow。Youwillbekickedout。Andnotsimplykickedout;
　　longbeforethatshe’llbeginnaggingatyou，scoldingyou，abusingyou，asthoughyouhadnotsacrificedyourhealthforher，hadnotthrownawayyouryouthandyoursoulforherbenefit，butasthoughyouhadruinedher，beggaredher，robbedher。Anddon’texpectanyonetotakeyourpart：theothers，yourcompanions，willattackyou，too，winherfavour，forallareinslaveryhere，andhavelostallconscienceandpityherelongago。Theyhavebecomeutterlyvile，andnothingonearthisviler，moreloathsome，andmoreinsultingthantheirabuse。Andyouarelayingdowneverythinghere，unconditionally，youthandhealthandbeautyandhope，andattwenty-twoyouwilllooklikeawomanoffive-and-thirty，andyouwillbeluckyifyouarenotdiseased，praytoGodforthat！Nodoubtyouarethinkingnowthatyouhaveagaytimeandnoworktodo！Yetthereisnoworkharderormoredreadfulintheworldoreverhasbeen。Onewouldthinkthattheheartalonewouldbewornoutwithtears。Andyouwon’tdaretosayaword，nothalfawordwhentheydriveyouawayfromhere;youwillgoawayasthoughyouweretoblame。
　　Youwillchangetoanotherhouse，thentoathird，thensomewhereelse，tillyoucomedownatlasttotheHaymarket。Thereyouwillbebeatenateveryturn;thatisgoodmannersthere，thevisitorsdon’tknowhowtobefriendlywithoutbeatingyou。Youdon’tbelievethatitissohatefulthere？Goandlookforyourselfsometime，youcanseewithyourowneyes。Once，oneNewYear’sDay，Isawawomanatadoor。Theyhadturnedheroutasajoke，togiveheratasteofthefrostbecauseshehadbeencryingsomuch，andtheyshutthedoorbehindher。Atnineo’clockinthemorningshewasalreadyquitedrunk，dishevelled，half-naked，coveredwithbruises，herfacewaspowdered，butshehadablack-eye，bloodwastricklingfromhernoseandherteeth;
　　somecabmanhadjustgivenheradrubbing。Shewassittingonthestonesteps，asaltfishofsomesortwasinherhand;shewascrying，wailingsomethingaboutherluckandbeatingwiththefishonthesteps，andcabmenanddrunkensoldierswerecrowdinginthedoorwaytauntingher。Youdon’tbelievethatyouwilleverbelikethat？Ishouldbesorrytobelieveit，too，buthowdoyouknow;maybetenyears，eightyearsagothatverywomanwiththesaltfishcameherefreshasacherub，innocent，pure，knowingnoevil，blushingateveryword。Perhapsshewaslikeyou，proud，readytotakeoffence，notliketheothers;perhapsshelookedlikeaqueen，andknewwhathappinesswasinstoreforthemanwhoshouldloveherandwhomsheshouldlove。Doyouseehowitended？Andwhatifatthatveryminutewhenshewasbeatingonthefilthystepswiththatfish，drunkenanddishevelled——whatifatthatveryminutesherecalledthepureearlydaysinherfather’shouse，whensheusedtogotoschoolandtheneighbour’ssonwatchedforherontheway，declaringthathewouldloveheraslongashelived，thathewoulddevotehislifetoher，andwhentheyvowedtoloveoneanotherforeverandbemarriedassoonastheyweregrownup！No，Liza，itwouldbehappyforyouifyouweretodiesoonofconsumptioninsomecorner，insomecellarlikethatwomanjustnow。Inthehospital，doyousay？Youwillbeluckyiftheytakeyou，butwhatifyouarestillofusetothemadamhere？Consumptionisaqueerdisease，itisnotlikefever。Thepatientgoesonhopingtillthelastminuteandsaysheisallright。Hedeludeshimself。Andthatjustsuitsyourmadam。Don’tdoubtit，that’showitis;youhavesoldyoursoul，andwhatismoreyouowemoney，soyoudaren’tsayaword。Butwhenyouaredying，allwillabandonyou，allwillturnawayfromyou，forthentherewillbenothingtogetfromyou。What’smore，theywillreproachyouforcumberingtheplace，forbeingsolongoverdying。
　　Howeveryoubegyouwon’tgetadrinkofwaterwithoutabuse：
　　’Wheneverareyougoingoff，younastyhussy，youwon’tletussleepwithyourmoaning，youmakethegentlemensick。’That’strue，Ihaveheardsuchthingssaidmyself。Theywillthrustyoudyingintothefilthiestcornerinthecellar——inthedampanddarkness;whatwillyourthoughtsbe，lyingtherealone？Whenyoudie，strangehandswilllayyouout，withgrumblingandimpatience;noonewillblessyou，noonewillsighforyou，theyonlywanttogetridofyouassoonasmaybe;theywillbuyacoffin，takeyoutothegraveastheydidthatpoorwomantoday，andcelebrateyourmemoryatthetavern。Inthegrave，sleet，filth，wetsnow——noneedtoputthemselvesoutforyou——’Letherdown，Vanuha;it’sjustlikeherluck——evenhere，sheishead-foremost，thehussy。Shortenthecord，yourascal。’’It’sallrightasitis。’’Allright，isit？Why，she’sonherside！
　　Shewasafellow-creature，afterall！But，nevermind，throwtheearthonher。’Andtheywon’tcaretowastemuchtimequarrellingoveryou。Theywillscatterthewetblueclayasquickastheycanandgoofftothetavern……andthereyourmemoryonearthwillend;otherwomenhavechildrentogototheirgraves，fathers，husbands。Whileforyouneithertear，norsigh，norremembrance;nooneinthewholeworldwillevercometoyou，yournamewillvanishfromthefaceoftheearth——asthoughyouhadneverexisted，neverbeenbornatall！Nothingbutfilthandmud，howeveryouknockatyourcoffinlidatnight，whenthedeadarise，howeveryoucry：’Letmeout，kindpeople，toliveinthelightofday！Mylifewasnolifeatall;mylifehasbeenthrownawaylikeadish-clout;itwasdrunkawayinthetavernattheHaymarket;letmeout，kindpeople，toliveintheworldagain。’"
　　AndIworkedmyselfuptosuchapitchthatIbegantohavealumpinmythroatmyself，and……andallatonceIstopped，satupindismayand，bendingoverapprehensively，begantolistenwithabeatingheart。Ihadreasontobetroubled。
　　IhadfeltforsometimethatIwasturninghersoulupsidedownandrendingherheart，and——andthemoreIwasconvincedofit，themoreeagerlyIdesiredtogainmyobjectasquicklyandaseffectuallyaspossible。Itwastheexerciseofmyskillthatcarriedmeaway;yetitwasnotmerelysport……
　　IknewIwasspeakingstiffly，artificially，evenbookishly，infact，Icouldnotspeakexcept"likeabook。"Butthatdidnottroubleme：Iknew，IfeltthatIshouldbeunderstoodandthatthisverybookishnessmightbeanassistance。Butnow，havingattainedmyeffect，Iwassuddenlypanic-stricken。NeverbeforehadIwitnessedsuchdespair！Shewaslyingonherface，thrustingherfaceintothepillowandclutchingitinbothhands。Herheartwasbeingtorn。Heryouthfulbodywasshudderingalloverasthoughinconvulsions。Suppressedsobsrentherbosomandsuddenlyburstoutinweepingandwalling，thenshepressedcloserintothepillow：shedidnotwantanyonehere，notalivingsoul，toknowofheranguishandhertears。
　　Shebitthepillow，bitherhandtillitbled（Isawthatafterwards），or，thrustingherfingersintoherdishevelledhair，seemedrigidwiththeeffortofrestraint，holdingherbreathandclenchingherteeth。Ibegansayingsomething，begginghertocalmherself，butfeltthatIdidnotdare;andallatonce，inasortofcoldshiver，almostinterror，beganfumblinginthedark，tryinghurriedlytogetdressedtogo。Itwasdark;thoughItriedmybestIcouldnotfinishdressingquickly。SuddenlyI
　　feltaboxofmatchesandacandlestickwithawholecandleinit。Assoonastheroomwaslightedup，Lizasprangup，satupinbed，andwithacontortedface，withahalfinsanesmile，lookedatmealmostsenselessly。Isatdownbesideherandtookherhands;shecametoherself，madeanimpulsivemovementtowardsme，wouldhavecaughtholdofme，butdidnotdare，andslowlybowedherheadbeforeme。
　　"Liza，mydear，Iwaswrong……forgiveme，mydear，"Ibegan，butshesqueezedmyhandinherfingerssotightlythatIfeltIwassayingthewrongthingandstopped。
　　"Thisismyaddress，Liza，cometome。"
　　"Iwillcome，"sheansweredresolutely，herheadstillbowed。
　　"ButnowIamgoing，good-bye……tillwemeetagain。"
　　Igotup;she，too，stoodupandsuddenlyflushedallover，gaveashudder，snatchedupashawlthatwaslyingonachairandmuffledherselfinittoherchin。Asshedidthisshegaveanothersicklysmile，blushedandlookedatmestrangely。Ifeltwretched;Iwasinhastetogetaway——todisappear。
　　"Waitaminute，"shesaidsuddenly，inthepassagejustatthedoorway，stoppingmewithherhandonmyovercoat。Sheputdownthecandleinhothasteandranoff;evidentlyshehadthoughtofsomethingorwantedtoshowmesomething。Assheranawaysheflushed，hereyesshone，andtherewasasmileonherlips——whatwasthemeaningofit？AgainstmywillIwaited：shecamebackaminutelaterwithanexpressionthatseemedtoaskforgivenessforsomething。Infact，itwasnotthesameface，notthesamelookastheeveningbefore：sullen，mistrustfulandobstinate。
　　Hereyesnowwereimploring，soft，andatthesametimetrustful，caressing，timid。Theexpressionwithwhichchildrenlookatpeopletheyareveryfondof，ofwhomtheyareaskingafavour。
　　Hereyeswerealighthazel，theywerelovelyeyes，fulloflife，andcapableofexpressingloveaswellassullenhatred。
　　Makingnoexplanation，asthoughI，asasortofhigherbeing，mustunderstandeverythingwithoutexplanations，sheheldoutapieceofpapertome。Herwholefacewaspositivelybeamingatthatinstantwithnaive，almostchildish，triumph。Iunfoldedit。Itwasalettertoherfromamedicalstudentorsomeoneofthatsort——averyhigh-flownandflowery，butextremelyrespectful，love-letter。Idon’trecallthewordsnow，butI
　　rememberwellthatthroughthehigh-flownphrasestherewasapparentagenuinefeeling，whichcannotbefeigned。WhenIhadfinishedreadingitImetherglowing，questioning，andchildishlyimpatienteyesfixeduponme。ShefastenedhereyesuponmyfaceandwaitedimpatientlyforwhatIshouldsay。Inafewwords，hurriedly，butwithasortofjoyandpride，sheexplainedtomethatshehadbeentoadancesomewhereinaprivatehouse，afamilyof"verynicepeople，_whoknewnothing_，absolutelynothing，forshehadonlycomeheresolatelyandithadallhappened……andshehadn’tmadeuphermindtostayandwascertainlygoingawayassoonasshehadpaidherdebt……"andatthatpartytherehadbeenthestudentwhohaddancedwithheralltheevening。Hehadtalkedtoher，anditturnedoutthathehadknownherinolddaysatRigawhenhewasachild，theyhadplayedtogether，butaverylongtimeago——andheknewherparents，but_aboutthis_heknewnothing，nothingwhatever，andhadnosuspicion！Andthedayafterthedance（threedaysago）
　　hehadsentherthatletterthroughthefriendwithwhomshehadgonetotheparty……and……well，thatwasall。"
　　Shedroppedhershiningeyeswithasortofbashfulnessasshefinished。
　　Thepoorgirlwaskeepingthatstudent’sletterasaprecioustreasure，andhadruntofetchit，heronlytreasure，becauseshedidnotwantmetogoawaywithoutknowingthatshe，too，washonestlyandgenuinelyloved;thatshe，too，wasaddressedrespectfully。Nodoubtthatletterwasdestinedtolieinherboxandleadtonothing。Butnonetheless，Iamcertainthatshewouldkeepitallherlifeasaprecioustreasure，asherprideandjustification，andnowatsuchaminuteshehadthoughtofthatletterandbroughtitwithnaivepridetoraiseherselfinmyeyesthatImightsee，thatI，too，mightthinkwellofher。Isaidnothing，pressedherhandandwentout。Isolongedtogetaway……Iwalkedallthewayhome，inspiteofthefactthatthemeltingsnowwasstillfallinginheavyflakes。Iwasexhausted，shattered，inbewilderment。Butbehindthebewildermentthetruthwasalreadygleaming。Theloathsometruth。
　　VIII
　　Itwassometime，however，beforeIconsentedtorecognisethattruth。Wakingupinthemorningaftersomehoursofheavy，leadensleep，andimmediatelyrealisingallthathadhappenedonthepreviousday，Iwaspositivelyamazedatmylastnight’s_sentimentality_withLiza，atallthose"outcriesofhorrorandpity。""Tothinkofhavingsuchanattackofwomanishhysteria，pah！"Iconcluded。AndwhatdidIthrustmyaddressuponherfor？Whatifshecomes？Lethercome，though;itdoesn’tmatter……But_obviously_，thatwasnotnowthechiefandthemostimportantmatter：IhadtomakehasteandatallcostssavemyreputationintheeyesofZverkovandSimonovasquicklyaspossible;thatwasthechiefbusiness。AndIwassotakenupthatmorningthatIactuallyforgotallaboutLiza。
　　FirstofallIhadatoncetorepaywhatIhadborrowedthedaybeforefromSimonov。Iresolvedonadesperatemeasure：toborrowfifteenroublesstraightofffromAntonAntonitch。Asluckwouldhaveithewasinthebestofhumoursthatmorning，andgaveittomeatonce，onthefirstasking。Iwassodelightedatthisthat，asIsignedtheIOUwithaswaggeringair，Itoldhimcasuallythatthenightbefore"IhadbeenkeepingitupwithsomefriendsattheHoteldeParis;weweregivingafarewellpartytoacomrade，infact，Imightsayafriendofmychildhood，andyouknow——adesperaterake，fearfullyspoilt——ofcourse，hebelongstoagoodfamily，andhasconsiderablemeans，abrilliantcareer;heiswitty，charming，aregularLovelace，youunderstand;wedrankanextra’half-dozen’
　　and……"Anditwentoffallright;allthiswasutteredveryeasily，unconstrainedlyandcomplacently。
　　OnreachinghomeIpromptlywrotetoSimonov。
　　TothishourIamlostinadmirationwhenIrecallthetrulygentlemanly，good-humoured，candidtoneofmyletter。Withtactandgood-breeding，and，aboveall，entirelywithoutsuperfluouswords，Iblamedmyselfforallthathadhappened。Idefendedmyself，"ifIreallymaybeallowedtodefendmyself，"byallegingthatbeingutterlyunaccustomedtowine，Ihadbeenintoxicatedwiththefirstglass，whichIsaid，Ihaddrunkbeforetheyarrived，whileIwaswaitingforthemattheHoteldeParisbetweenfiveandsixo’clock。IbeggedSimonov’spardonespecially;Iaskedhimtoconveymyexplanationstoalltheothers，especiallytoZverkov，whom"Iseemedtorememberasthoughinadream"Ihadinsulted。IaddedthatIwouldhavecalleduponallofthemmyself，butmyheadached，andbesidesI
　　hadnotthefaceto。Iwasparticularlypleasedwithacertainlightness，almostcarelessness（strictlywithintheboundsofpoliteness，however），whichwasapparentinmystyle，andbetterthananypossiblearguments，gavethematoncetounderstandthatItookratheranindependentviewof"allthatunpleasantnesslastnight";thatIwasbynomeanssoutterlycrushedasyou，myfriends，probablyimagine;butonthecontrary，lookeduponitasagentlemanserenelyrespectinghimselfshouldlookuponit。"Onayounghero’spastnocensureiscast！"
　　"Thereisactuallyanaristocraticplayfulnessaboutit！"I
　　thoughtadmiringly，asIreadovertheletter。"Andit’sallbecauseIamanintellectualandcultivatedman！Anothermaninmyplacewouldnothaveknownhowtoextricatehimself，buthereIhavegotoutofitandamasjollyaseveragain，andallbecauseIam’acultivatedandeducatedmanofourday。’And，indeed，perhaps，everythingwasduetothewineyesterday。H’m！"……no，itwasnotthewine。IdidnotdrinkanythingatallbetweenfiveandsixwhenIwaswaitingforthem。IhadliedtoSimonov;Ihadliedshamelessly;andindeedIwasn’tashamednow……Hangitallthough，thegreatthingwasthatIwasridofit。
　　Iputsixroublesintheletter，sealeditup，andaskedApollontotakeittoSimonov。Whenhelearnedthattherewasmoneyintheletter，Apollonbecamemorerespectfulandagreedtotakeit。
　　TowardseveningIwentoutforawalk。Myheadwasstillachingandgiddyafteryesterday。Butaseveningcameonandthetwilightgrewdenser，myimpressionsand，followingthem，mythoughts，grewmoreandmoredifferentandconfused。Somethingwasnotdeadwithinme，inthedepthsofmyheartandconscienceitwouldnotdie，anditshoweditselfinacutedepression。ForthemostpartIjostledmywaythroughthemostcrowdedbusinessstreets，alongMyeshtchanskyStreet，alongSadovyStreetandinYusupovGarden。Ialwayslikedparticularlysaunteringalongthesestreetsinthedusk，justwhentherewerecrowdsofworkingpeopleofallsortsgoinghomefromtheirdailywork，withfaceslookingcrosswithanxiety。WhatIlikedwasjustthatcheapbustle，thatbareprose。Onthisoccasionthejostlingofthestreetsirritatedmemorethanever，Icouldnotmakeoutwhatwaswrongwithme，Icouldnotfindtheclue，somethingseemedrisingupcontinuallyinmysoul，painfully，andrefusingtobeappeased。Ireturnedhomecompletelyupset，itwasjustasthoughsomecrimewerelyingonmyconscience。
　　ThethoughtthatLizawascomingworriedmecontinually。Itseemedqueertomethatofallmyrecollectionsofyesterdaythistormentedme，asitwere，especially，asitwere，quiteseparately。EverythingelseIhadquitesucceededinforgettingbytheevening;IdismisseditallandwasstillperfectlysatisfiedwithmylettertoSimonov。ButonthispointIwasnotsatisfiedatall。ItwasasthoughIwereworriedonlybyLiza。
　　"Whatifshecomes，"Ithoughtincessantly，"well，itdoesn’tmatter，lethercome！H’m！it’shorridthatsheshouldsee，forinstance，howIlive。YesterdayIseemedsuchaherotoher，whilenow，h’m！It’shorrid，though，thatIhaveletmyselfgoso，theroomlookslikeabeggar’s。AndIbroughtmyselftogoouttodinnerinsuchasuit！AndmyAmericanleathersofawiththestuffingstickingout。Andmydressing-gown，whichwillnotcoverme，suchtatters，andshewillseeallthisandshewillseeApollon。Thatbeastiscertaintoinsulther。Hewillfastenuponherinordertoberudetome。AndI，ofcourse，shallbepanic-strickenasusual，Ishallbeginbowingandscrapingbeforeherandpullingmydressing-gownroundme，I
　　shallbeginsmiling，tellinglies。Oh，thebeastliness！Anditisn’tthebeastlinessofitthatmattersmost！Thereissomethingmoreimportant，moreloathsome，viler！Yes，viler！
　　Andtoputonthatdishonestlyingmaskagain！……"
　　WhenIreachedthatthoughtIfiredupallatonce。
　　"Whydishonest？Howdishonest？Iwasspeakingsincerelylastnight。Iremembertherewasrealfeelinginme，too。WhatI
　　wantedwastoexciteanhonourablefeelinginher……Hercryingwasagoodthing，itwillhaveagoodeffect。"
　　YetIcouldnotfeelatease。Allthatevening，evenwhenIhadcomebackhome，evenafternineo’clock，whenIcalculatedthatLizacouldnotpossiblycome，stillshehauntedme，andwhatwasworse，shecamebacktomymindalwaysinthesameposition。Onemomentoutofallthathadhappenedlastnightstoodvividlybeforemyimagination;themomentwhenIstruckamatchandsawherpale，distortedface，withitslookoftorture。Andwhatapitiful，whatanunnatural，whatadistortedsmileshehadatthatmoment！ButIdidnotknowthen，thatfifteenyearslaterI
　　shouldstillinmyimaginationseeLiza，alwayswiththepitiful，distorted，inappropriatesmilewhichwasonherfaceatthatminute。
　　NextdayIwasreadyagaintolookuponitallasnonsense，duetoover-excitednerves，and，aboveall，as_exaggerated_。Iwasalwaysconsciousofthatweakpointofmine，andsometimesverymuchafraidofit。"Iexaggerateeverything，thatiswhereIgowrong，"Irepeatedtomyselfeveryhour。But，however，"Lizawillverylikelycomeallthesame，"wastherefrainwithwhichallmyreflectionsended。IwassouneasythatIsometimesflewintoafury："She’llcome，sheiscertaintocome！"Icried，runningabouttheroom，"ifnottoday，shewillcometomorrow;
　　she’llfindmeout！Thedamnableromanticismofthesepurehearts！Oh，thevileness——oh，thesilliness——oh，thestupidityofthese’wretchedsentimentalsouls！’Why，howfailtounderstand？Howcouldonefalltounderstand？……"
　　ButatthispointIstoppedshort，andingreatconfusion，indeed。
　　"Andhowfew，howfewwords，"Ithought，inpassing，"wereneeded;howlittleoftheidyllic（andaffectedly，bookishly，artificiallyidyllictoo）hadsufficedtoturnawholehumanlifeatonceaccordingtomywill。That’svirginity，tobesure！
　　Freshnessofsoil！"
　　Attimesathoughtoccurredtome，togotoher，"totellherall，"andbeghernottocometome。ButthisthoughtstirredsuchwrathinmethatIbelievedIshouldhavecrushedthat"damned"Lizaifshehadchancedtobenearmeatthetime。I
　　shouldhaveinsultedher，havespatather，haveturnedherout，havestruckher！
　　Onedaypassed，however，anotherandanother;shedidnotcomeandIbegantogrowcalmer。Ifeltparticularlyboldandcheerfulafternineo’clock，Ievensometimesbegandreaming，andrathersweetly：I，forinstance，becamethesalvationofLiza，simplythroughhercomingtomeandmytalkingtoher……I
　　developher，educateher。Finally，Inoticethatshelovesme，lovesmepassionately。Ipretendnottounderstand（Idon’tknow，however，whyIpretend，justforeffect，perhaps）。Atlastallconfusion，transfigured，tremblingandsobbing，sheflingsherselfatmyfeetandsaysthatIamhersaviour，andthatshelovesmebetterthananythingintheworld。Iamamazed，but……
　　"Liza，"Isay，"canyouimaginethatIhavenotnoticedyourlove？Isawitall，Idivinedit，butIdidnotdaretoapproachyoufirst，becauseIhadaninfluenceoveryouandwasafraidthatyouwouldforceyourself，fromgratitude，torespondtomylove，wouldtrytorouseinyourheartafeelingwhichwasperhapsabsent，andIdidnotwishthat……becauseitwouldbetyranny……itwouldbeindelicate"（inshort，IlaunchoffatthatpointintoEuropean，inexplicablyloftysubtletiesalaGeorgeSand），"butnow，nowyouaremine，youaremycreation，youarepure，youaregood，youaremynoblewife。
　　’Intomyhousecomeboldandfree，Itsrightfulmistresstheretobe’。
　　"Thenwebeginlivingtogether，goabroadandsoon，andsoon。"
　　Infact，intheenditseemedvulgartomemyself，andIbeganputtingoutmytongueatmyself。
　　Besides，theywon’tletherout，"thehussy！"Ithought。Theydon’tletthemgooutveryreadily，especiallyintheevening（forsomereasonIfanciedshewouldcomeintheevening，andatseveno’clockprecisely）。Thoughshedidsayshewasnotaltogetheraslavethereyet，andhadcertainrights;so，h’m！
　　Damnitall，shewillcome，sheissuretocome！
　　Itwasagoodthing，infact，thatApollondistractedmyattentionatthattimebyhisrudeness。Hedrovemebeyondallpatience！Hewasthebaneofmylife，thecurselaiduponmebyProvidence。Wehadbeensquabblingcontinuallyforyears，andI
　　hatedhim。MyGod，howIhatedhim！IbelieveIhadneverhatedanyoneinmylifeasIhatedhim，especiallyatsomemoments。Hewasanelderly，dignifiedman，whoworkedpartofhistimeasatailor。Butforsomeunknownreasonhedespisedmebeyondallmeasure，andlookeddownuponmeinsufferably。Though，indeed，helookeddownuponeveryone。Simplytoglanceatthatflaxen，smoothlybrushedhead，atthetuftofhairhecombeduponhisforeheadandoiledwithsunfloweroil，atthatdignifiedmouth，compressedintotheshapeoftheletterV，madeonefeelonewasconfrontingamanwhoneverdoubtedofhimself。Hewasapedant，tothemostextremepoint，thegreatestpedantIhadmetonearth，andwiththathadavanityonlybefittingAlexanderofMacedon。Hewasinlovewitheverybuttononhiscoat，everynailonhisfingers——absolutelyinlovewiththem，andhelookedit！Inhisbehaviourtomehewasaperfecttyrant，hespokeverylittletome，andifhechancedtoglanceatmehegavemeafirm，majesticallyself-confidentandinvariablyironicallookthatdrovemesometimestofury。Hedidhisworkwiththeairofdoingmethegreatestfavour，thoughhedidscarcelyanythingforme，anddidnot，indeed，considerhimselfboundtodoanything。
　　Therecouldbenodoubtthathelookeduponmeasthegreatestfoolonearth，andthat"hedidnotgetridofme"wassimplythathecouldgetwagesfrommeeverymonth。Heconsentedtodonothingformeforsevenroublesamonth。ManysinsshouldbeforgivenmeforwhatIsufferedfromhim。Myhatredreachedsuchapointthatsometimeshisverystepalmostthrewmeintoconvulsions。WhatIloathedparticularlywashislisp。Histonguemusthavebeenalittletoolongorsomethingofthatsort，forhecontinuallylisped，andseemedtobeveryproudofit，imaginingthatitgreatlyaddedtohisdignity。Hespokeinaslow，measuredtone，withhishandsbehindhisbackandhiseyesfixedontheground。Hemaddenedmeparticularlywhenhereadaloudthepsalmstohimselfbehindhispartition。ManyabattleIwagedoverthatreading！Buthewasawfullyfondofreadingaloudintheevenings，inaslow，even，sing-songvoice，asthoughoverthedead。Itisinterestingthatthatishowhehasended：hehireshimselfouttoreadthepsalmsoverthedead，andatthesametimehekillsratsandmakesblacking。ButatthattimeIcouldnotgetridofhim，itwasasthoughhewerechemicallycombinedwithmyexistence。Besides，nothingwouldhaveinducedhimtoconsenttoleaveme。Icouldnotliveinfurnishedlodgings：mylodgingwasmyprivatesolitude，myshell，mycave，inwhichIconcealedmyselffromallmankind，andApollonseemedtome，forsomereason，anintegralpartofthatflat，andforsevenyearsIcouldnotturnhimaway。
　　Tobetwoorthreedaysbehindwithhiswages，forinstance，wasimpossible。Hewouldhavemadesuchafuss，Ishouldnothaveknownwheretohidemyhead。ButIwassoexasperatedwitheveryoneduringthosedays，thatImadeupmymindforsomereasonandwithsomeobjectto_punish_Apollonandnottopayhimforafortnightthewagesthatwereowinghim。Ihadforalongtime——forthelasttwoyears——beenintendingtodothis，simplyinordertoteachhimnottogivehimselfairswithme，andtoshowhimthatifIlikedIcouldwithholdhiswages。I
　　purposedtosaynothingtohimaboutit，andwaspurposelysilentindeed，inordertoscoreoffhisprideandforcehimtobethefirsttospeakofhiswages。ThenIwouldtakethesevenroublesoutofadrawer，showhimIhavethemoneyputasideonpurpose，butthatIwon’t，Iwon’t，Isimplywon’tpayhimhiswages，I
　　won’tjustbecausethatis"whatIwish，"because"Iammaster，anditisformetodecide，"becausehehasbeendisrespectful，becausehehasbeenrude;butifheweretoaskrespectfullyI
　　mightbesoftenedandgiveittohim，otherwisehemightwaitanotherfortnight，anotherthreeweeks，awholemonth……
　　ButangryasIwas，yethegotthebetterofme。Icouldnotholdoutforfourdays。Hebeganashealwaysdidbegininsuchcases，fortherehadbeensuchcasesalready，therehadbeenattempts（anditmaybeobservedIknewallthisbeforehand，I
　　knewhisnastytacticsbyheart）。Hewouldbeginbyfixinguponmeanexceedinglyseverestare，keepingitupforseveralminutesatatime，particularlyonmeetingmeorseeingmeoutofthehouse。IfIheldoutandpretendednottonoticethesestares，hewould，stillinsilence，proceedtofurthertortures。Allatonce，aproposofnothing，hewouldwalksoftlyandsmoothlyintomyroom，whenIwaspacingupanddownorreading，standatthedoor，onehandbehindhisbackandonefootbehindtheother，andfixuponmeastaremorethansevere，utterlycontemptuous。IfI
　　suddenlyaskedhimwhathewanted，hewouldmakemenoanswer，butcontinuestaringatmepersistentlyforsomeseconds，then，withapeculiarcompressionofhislipsandamostsignificantair，deliberatelyturnroundanddeliberatelygobacktohisroom。Twohourslaterhewouldcomeoutagainandagainpresenthimselfbeforemeinthesameway。IthadhappenedthatinmyfuryIdidnotevenaskhimwhathewanted，butsimplyraisedmyheadsharplyandimperiouslyandbeganstaringbackathim。Sowestaredatoneanotherfortwominutes;atlastheturnedwithdeliberationanddignityandwentbackagainfortwohours。
　　IfIwerestillnotbroughttoreasonbyallthis，butpersistedinmyrevolt，hewouldsuddenlybeginsighingwhilehelookedatme，long，deepsighsasthoughmeasuringbythemthedepthsofmymoraldegradation，and，ofcourse，itendedatlastbyhistriumphingcompletely：Iragedandshouted，butstillwasforcedtodowhathewanted。
　　ThistimetheusualstaringmanoeuvreshadscarcelybegunwhenI
　　lostmytemperandflewathiminafury。Iwasirritatedbeyondenduranceapartfromhim。
　　"Stay，"Icried，inafrenzy，ashewasslowlyandsilentlyturning，withonehandbehindhisback，togotohisroom。
　　"Stay！Comeback，comeback，Itellyou！"andImusthavebawledsounnaturally，thatheturnedroundandevenlookedatmewithsomewonder。However，hepersistedinsayingnothing，andthatinfuriatedme。
　　"Howdareyoucomeandlookatmelikethatwithoutbeingsentfor？Answer！"
　　Afterlookingatmecalmlyforhalfaminute，hebeganturningroundagain。
　　"Stay！"Iroared，runninguptohim，"don’tstir！There。
　　Answer，now：whatdidyoucomeintolookat？"
　　"Ifyouhaveanyordertogivemeit’smydutytocarryitout，"
　　heanswered，afteranothersilentpause，withaslow，measuredlisp，raisinghiseyebrowsandcalmlytwistinghisheadfromonesidetoanother，allthiswithexasperatingcomposure。
　　"That’snotwhatIamaskingyouabout，youtorturer！"Ishouted，turningcrimsonwithanger。"I’lltellyouwhyyoucameheremyself：yousee，Idon’tgiveyouyourwages，youaresoproudyoudon’twanttobowdownandaskforit，andsoyoucometopunishmewithyourstupidstares，toworrymeandyouhavenosus……pic……ionhowstupiditis——stupid，stupid，stupid，stupid！……"
　　Hewouldhaveturnedroundagainwithoutaword，butIseizedhim。
　　"Listen，"Ishoutedtohim。"Here’sthemoney，doyousee，hereitis，"（Itookitoutofthetabledrawer）;"here’sthesevenroublescomplete，butyouarenotgoingtohaveit，you……are……not……going……to……haveituntilyoucomerespectfullywithbowedheadtobegmypardon。Doyouhear？"
　　"Thatcannotbe，"heanswered，withthemostunnaturalself-confidence。
　　"Itshallbeso，"Isaid，"Igiveyoumywordofhonour，itshallbe！"
　　"Andthere’snothingformetobegyourpardonfor，"hewenton，asthoughhehadnotnoticedmyexclamationsatall。"Why，besides，youcalledmea’torturer，’forwhichIcansummonyouatthepolice-stationatanytimeforinsultingbehaviour。"
　　"Go，summonme，"Iroared，"goatonce，thisveryminute，thisverysecond！Youareatorturerallthesame！atorturer！"
　　Buthemerelylookedatme，thenturned，andregardlessofmyloudcallstohim，hewalkedtohisroomwithanevenstepandwithoutlookinground。
　　"IfithadnotbeenforLizanothingofthiswouldhavehappened，"Idecidedinwardly。Then，afterwaitingaminute，I
　　wentmyselfbehindhisscreenwithadignifiedandsolemnair，thoughmyheartwasbeatingslowlyandviolently。
　　"Apollon，"Isaidquietlyandemphatically，thoughIwasbreathless，"goatoncewithoutaminute’sdelayandfetchthepolice-officer。"
　　Hehadmeanwhilesettledhimselfathistable，putonhisspectaclesandtakenupsomesewing。But，hearingmyorder，heburstintoaguffaw。
　　"Atonce，gothisminute！Goon，orelseyoucan’timaginewhatwillhappen。"
　　"Youarecertainlyoutofyourmind，"heobserved，withoutevenraisinghishead，lispingasdeliberatelyaseverandthreadinghisneedle。"Whoeverheardofamansendingforthepoliceagainsthimself？Andasforbeingfrightened——youareupsettingyourselfaboutnothing，fornothingwillcomeofit。"
　　"Go！"Ishrieked，clutchinghimbytheshoulder。IfeltIshouldstrikehiminaminute。
　　ButIdidnotnoticethedoorfromthepassagesoftlyandslowlyopenatthatinstantandafigurecomein，stopshort，andbeginstaringatusinperplexityIglanced，nearlyswoonedwithshame，andrushedbacktomyroom。There，clutchingatmyhairwithbothhands，Ileanedmyheadagainstthewallandstoodmotionlessinthatposition。
　　TwominuteslaterIheardApollon’sdeliberatefootsteps。"Thereissomewomanaskingforyou，"hesaid，lookingatmewithpeculiarseverity。ThenhestoodasideandletinLiza。Hewouldnotgoaway，butstaredatussarcastically。
　　"Goaway，goaway，"Icommandedindesperation。Atthatmomentmyclockbeganwhirringandwheezingandstruckseven。
　　IX
　　"Intomyhousecomeboldandfree，Itsrightfulmistresstheretobe。"
　　Istoodbeforehercrushed，crestfallen，revoltinglyconfused，andIbelieveIsmiledasIdidmyutmosttowrapmyselfintheskirtsofmyraggedwaddeddressing-gown——exactlyasIhadimaginedthescenenotlongbeforeinafitofdepression。AfterstandingoverusforacoupleofminutesApollonwentaway，butthatdidnotmakememoreatease。Whatmadeitworsewasthatshe，too，wasoverwhelmedwithconfusion，moreso，infact，thanIshouldhaveexpected。Atthesightofme，ofcourse。
　　"Sitdown，"Isaidmechanically，movingachairuptothetable，andIsatdownonthesofa。Sheobedientlysatdownatonceandgazedatmeopen-eyed，evidentlyexpectingsomethingfrommeatonce。Thisnaiveteofexpectationdrovemetofury，butI
　　restrainedmyself。
　　Sheoughttohavetriednottonotice，asthougheverythinghadbeenasusual，whileinsteadofthat，she……andIdimlyfeltthatIshouldmakeherpaydearlyfor_allthis_。
　　"Youhavefoundmeinastrangeposition，Liza，"Ibegan，stammeringandknowingthatthiswasthewrongwaytobegin。
　　"No，no，don’timagineanything，"Icried，seeingthatshehadsuddenlyflushed。"Iamnotashamedofmypoverty……Onthecontrary，Ilookwithprideonmypoverty。Iampoorbuthonourable……Onecanbepoorandhonourable，"Imuttered。
　　"However……wouldyouliketea？……"
　　"No，"shewasbeginning。
　　"Waitaminute。"
　　IleaptupandrantoApollon。Ihadtogetoutoftheroomsomehow。
　　"Apollon，"Iwhisperedinfeverishhaste，flingingdownbeforehimthesevenroubleswhichhadremainedallthetimeinmyclenchedfist，"hereareyourwages，youseeIgivethemtoyou;
　　butforthatyoumustcometomyrescue：bringmeteaandadozenrusksfromtherestaurant。Ifyouwon’tgo，you’llmakemeamiserableman！Youdon’tknowwhatthiswomanis……Thisis——everything！Youmaybeimaginingsomething……Butyoudon’tknowwhatthatwomanis！……"
　　Apollon，whohadalreadysatdowntohisworkandputonhisspectaclesagain，atfirstglancedaskanceatthemoneywithoutspeakingorputtingdownhisneedle;then，withoutpayingtheslightestattentiontomeormakinganyanswer，hewentonbusyinghimselfwithhisneedle，whichhehadnotyetthreaded。
　　IwaitedbeforehimforthreeminuteswithmyarmscrossedalaNapoleon。Mytemplesweremoistwithsweat。Iwaspale，Ifeltit。But，thankGod，hemusthavebeenmovedtopity，lookingatme。Havingthreadedhisneedlehedeliberatelygotupfromhisseat，deliberatelymovedbackhischair，deliberatelytookoffhisspectacles，deliberatelycountedthemoney，andfinallyaskingmeoverhisshoulder："ShallIgetawholeportion？"
　　deliberatelywalkedoutoftheroom。AsIwasgoingbacktoLiza，thethoughtoccurredtomeontheway：shouldn’tIrunawayjustasIwasinmydressing-gown，nomatterwhere，andthenlethappenwhatwould？
　　Isatdownagain。Shelookedatmeuneasily。Forsomeminutesweweresilent。
　　"Iwillkillhim，"Ishoutedsuddenly，strikingthetablewithmyfistsothattheinkspurtedoutoftheinkstand。
　　"Whatareyousaying！"shecried，starting。
　　"Iwillkillhim！killhim！"Ishrieked，suddenlystrikingthetableinabsolutefrenzy，andatthesametimefullyunderstandinghowstupiditwastobeinsuchafrenzy。"Youdon’tknow，Liza，whatthattortureristome。Heismytorturer……Hehasgonenowtofetchsomerusks;he……"
　　AndsuddenlyIburstintotears。Itwasanhystericalattack。
　　HowashamedIfeltinthemidstofmysobs;butstillIcouldnotrestrainthem。
　　Shewasfrightened。
　　"Whatisthematter？Whatiswrong？"shecried，fussingaboutme。
　　"Water，givemewater，overthere！"Imutteredinafaintvoice，thoughIwasinwardlyconsciousthatIcouldhavegotonverywellwithoutwaterandwithoutmutteringinafaintvoice。ButI
　　was，whatiscalled，_puttingiton_，tosaveappearances，thoughtheattackwasagenuineone。
　　Shegavemewater，lookingatmeinbewilderment。AtthatmomentApollonbroughtinthetea。Itsuddenlyseemedtomethatthiscommonplace，prosaicteawashorriblyundignifiedandpaltryafterallthathadhappened，andIblushedcrimson。LizalookedatApollonwithpositivealarm。Hewentoutwithoutaglanceateitherofus。
　　"Liza，doyoudespiseme？"Iasked，lookingatherfixedly，tremblingwithimpatiencetoknowwhatshewasthinking。
　　Shewasconfused，anddidnotknowwhattoanswer。
　　"Drinkyourtea，"Isaidtoherangrily。Iwasangrywithmyself，but，ofcourse，itwasshewhowouldhavetopayforit。
　　Ahorriblespiteagainsthersuddenlysurgedupinmyheart;I
　　believeIcouldhavekilledher。TorevengemyselfonherI
　　sworeinwardlynottosayawordtoherallthetime。"Sheisthecauseofitall，"Ithought。
　　Oursilencelastedforfiveminutes。Theteastoodonthetable;
　　wedidnottouchit。Ihadgottothepointofpurposelyrefrainingfrombeginninginordertoembarrassherfurther;itwasawkwardforhertobeginalone。Severaltimessheglancedatmewithmournfulperplexity。Iwasobstinatelysilent。Iwas，ofcourse，myselfthechiefsufferer，becauseIwasfullyconsciousofthedisgustingmeannessofmyspitefulstupidity，andyetatthesametimeIcouldnotrestrainmyself。
　　"Iwantto……getaway……fromtherealtogether，"shebegan，tobreakthesilenceinsomeway，but，poorgirl，thatwasjustwhatsheoughtnottohavespokenaboutatsuchastupidmomenttoamansostupidasIwas。Myheartpositivelyachedwithpityforhertactlessandunnecessarystraightforwardness。Butsomethinghideousatoncestifledallcompassioninme;itevenprovokedmetogreatervenom。Ididnotcarewhathappened。Anotherfiveminutespassed。
　　"PerhapsIaminyourway，"shebegantimidly，hardlyaudibly，andwasgettingup。
　　ButassoonasIsawthisfirstimpulseofwoundeddignityI
　　positivelytrembledwithspite，andatonceburstout。
　　"Whyhaveyoucometome，tellmethat，please？"Ibegan，gaspingforbreathandregardlessoflogicalconnectioninmywords。I
　　longedtohaveitalloutatonce，atoneburst;Ididnoteventroublehowtobegin。"Whyhaveyoucome？Answer，answer，"I
　　cried，hardlyknowingwhatIwasdoing。"I’lltellyou，mygoodgirl，whyyouhavecome。You’vecomebecauseItalkedsentimentalstufftoyouthen。Sonowyouaresoftasbutterandlongingforfinesentimentsagain。SoyoumayaswellknowthatIwaslaughingatyouthen。AndIamlaughingatyounow。Whyareyoushuddering？Yes，Iwaslaughingatyou！Ihadbeeninsultedjustbefore，atdinner，bythefellowswhocamethateveningbeforeme。Icametoyou，meaningtothrashoneofthem，anofficer;butIdidn’tsucceed，Ididn’tfindhim;Ihadtoavengetheinsultonsomeonetogetbackmyownagain;youturnedup，Iventedmyspleenonyouandlaughedatyou。Ihadbeenhumiliated，soIwantedtohumiliate;Ihadbeentreatedlikearag，soIwantedtoshowmypower……hat’swhatitwas，andyouimaginedIhadcomethereonpurposetosaveyou。Yes？Youimaginedthat？Youimaginedthat？"
　　Iknewthatshewouldperhapsbemuddledandnottakeitallinexactly，butIknew，too，thatshewouldgraspthegistofit，verywellindeed。Andso，indeed，shedid。Sheturnedwhiteasahandkerchief，triedtosaysomething，andherlipsworkedpainfully;butshesankonachairasthoughshehadbeenfelledbyanaxe。Andallthetimeafterwardsshelistenedtomewithherlipspartedandhereyeswideopen，shudderingwithawfulterror。Thecynicism，thecynicismofmywordsoverwhelmedher……
　　"Saveyou！"Iwenton，jumpingupfrommychairandrunningupanddowntheroombeforeher。"Saveyoufromwhat？ButperhapsIamworsethanyoumyself。Whydidn’tyouthrowitinmyteethwhenIwasgivingyouthatsermon：’Butwhatdidyoucomehereyourselffor？wasittoreadusasermon？’Power，powerwaswhatIwantedthen，sportwaswhatIwanted，Iwantedtowringoutyourtears，yourhumiliation，yourhysteria——thatwaswhatI
　　wantedthen！Ofcourse，Icouldn’tkeepitupthen，becauseIamawretchedcreature，Iwasfrightened，and，thedevilknowswhy，gaveyoumyaddressinmyfolly。Afterwards，beforeIgothome，Iwascursingandswearingatyoubecauseofthataddress，I
　　hatedyoualreadybecauseoftheliesIhadtoldyou。BecauseI
　　onlylikeplayingwithwords，onlydreaming，but，doyouknow，whatIreallywantisthatyoushouldallgotohell。ThatiswhatIwant。Iwantpeace;yes，I’dsellthewholeworldforafarthing，straightoff，solongasIwasleftinpeace。Istheworldtogotopot，oramItogowithoutmytea？IsaythattheworldmaygotopotformesolongasIalwaysgetmytea。Didyouknowthat，ornot？Well，anyway，IknowthatIamablackguard，ascoundrel，anegoist，asluggard。HereIhavebeenshudderingforthelastthreedaysatthethoughtofyourcoming。
　　Anddoyouknowwhathasworriedmeparticularlyforthesethreedays？ThatIposedassuchaherotoyou，andnowyouwouldseemeinawretchedtorndressing-gown，beggarly，loathsome。ItoldyoujustnowthatIwasnotashamedofmypoverty;soyoumayaswellknowthatIamashamedofit;Iammoreashamedofitthanofanything，moreafraidofitthanofbeingfoundoutifIwereathief，becauseIamasvainasthoughIhadbeenskinnedandtheveryairblowingonmehurt。SurelybynowyoumustrealisethatIshallneverforgiveyouforhavingfoundmeinthiswretcheddressing-gown，justasIwasflyingatApollonlikeaspitefulcur。Thesaviour，theformerhero，wasflyinglikeamangy，unkemptsheep-dogathislackey，andthelackeywasjeeringathim！AndIshallneverforgiveyouforthetearsI
　　couldnothelpsheddingbeforeyoujustnow，likesomesillywomanputtoshame！AndforwhatIamconfessingtoyounow，I
　　shallneverforgiveyoueither！Yes——youmustanswerforitallbecauseyouturneduplikethis，becauseIamablackguard，becauseIamthenastiest，stupidest，absurdestandmostenviousofallthewormsonearth，whoarenotabitbetterthanIam，but，thedevilknowswhy，areneverputtoconfusion;whileI
　　shallalwaysbeinsultedbyeverylouse，thatismydoom！Andwhatisittomethatyoudon’tunderstandawordofthis！AndwhatdoIcare，whatdoIcareaboutyou，andwhetheryougotoruinthereornot？Doyouunderstand？HowIshallhateyounowaftersayingthis，forhavingbeenhereandlistening。Why，it’snotonceinalifetimeamanspeaksoutlikethis，andthenitisinhysterics！……Whatmoredoyouwant？Whydoyoustillstandconfrontingme，afterallthis？Whyareyouworryingme？Whydon’tyougo？"
　　Butatthispointastrangethinghappened。Iwassoaccustomedtothinkandimagineeverythingfrombooks，andtopictureeverythingintheworldtomyselfjustasIhadmadeitupinmydreamsbeforehand，thatIcouldnotallatoncetakeinthisstrangecircumstance。Whathappenedwasthis：Liza，insultedandcrushedbyme，understoodagreatdealmorethanIimagined。Sheunderstoodfromallthiswhatawomanunderstandsfirstofall，ifshefeelsgenuinelove，thatis，thatIwasmyselfunhappy。
　　Thefrightenedandwoundedexpressiononherfacewasfollowedfirstbyalookofsorrowfulperplexity。WhenIbegancallingmyselfascoundrelandablackguardandmytearsflowed（thetiradewasaccompaniedthroughoutbytears）herwholefaceworkedconvulsively。Shewasonthepointofgettingupandstoppingme;whenIfinishedshetooknonoticeofmyshouting："Whyareyouhere，whydon’tyougoaway？"butrealisedonlythatitmusthavebeenverybittertometosayallthis。Besides，shewassocrushed，poorgirl;sheconsideredherselfinfinitelybeneathme;
　　howcouldshefeelangerorresentment？Shesuddenlyleaptupfromherchairwithanirresistibleimpulseandheldoutherhands，yearningtowardsme，thoughstilltimidandnotdaringtostir……Atthispointtherewasarevulsioninmyhearttoo。
　　Thenshesuddenlyrushedtome，threwherarmsroundmeandburstintotears。I，too，couldnotrestrainmyself，andsobbedasI
　　neverhadbefore……
　　"Theywon’tletme……Ican’tbe……good！"Imanagedtoarticulate;
　　thenIwenttothesofa，fellonitfacedownwards，andsobbedonitforaquarterofanhouringenuinehysterics。Shecameclosetome，putherarmsroundmeandstayedmotionlessinthatposition。Butthetroublewasthatthehystericscouldnotgoonforever，and（Iamwritingtheloathsometruth）lyingfacedownwardsonthesofawithmyfacethrustintomynastyleatherpillow，Ibeganbydegreestobeawareofafar-away，involuntarybutirresistiblefeelingthatitwouldbeawkwardnowformetoraisemyheadandlookLizastraightintheface。WhywasI
　　ashamed？Idon’tknow，butIwasashamed。Thethought，too，cameintomyoverwroughtbrainthatourpartsnowwerecompletelychanged，thatshewasnowtheheroine，whileIwasjustacrushedandhumiliatedcreatureasshehadbeenbeforemethatnight——fourdaysbefore……AndallthiscameintomymindduringtheminutesIwaslyingonmyfaceonthesofa。
　　MyGod！surelyIwasnotenviousofherthen。
　　Idon’tknow，tothisdayIcannotdecide，andatthetime，ofcourse，IwasstilllessabletounderstandwhatIwasfeelingthannow。Icannotgetonwithoutdomineeringandtyrannisingoversomeone，but……thereisnoexplaininganythingbyreasoningandsoitisuselesstoreason。
　　Iconqueredmyself，however，andraisedmyhead;Ihadtodososoonerorlater……andIamconvincedtothisdaythatitwasjustbecameIwasashamedtolookatherthatanotherfeelingwassuddenlykindledandflamedupinmyheart……afeelingofmasteryandpossession。Myeyesgleamedwithpassion，andIgrippedherhandstightly。HowIhatedherandhowIwasdrawntoheratthatminute！Theonefeelingintensifiedtheother。Itwasalmostlikeanactofvengeance。Atfirsttherewasalookofamazement，evenofterroronherface，butonlyforoneinstant。
　　Shewarmlyandrapturouslyembracedme。
　　X
　　AquarterofanhourlaterIwasrushingupanddowntheroominfrenziedimpatience，fromminutetominuteIwentuptothescreenandpeepedthroughthecrackatLiza。Shewassittingonthefloorwithherheadleaningagainstthebed，andmusthavebeencrying。Butshedidnotgoaway，andthatirritatedme。
　　Thistimesheunderstooditall。Ihadinsultedherfinally，but……there’snoneedtodescribeit。Sherealisedthatmyoutburstofpassionhadbeensimplyrevenge，afreshhumiliation，andthattomyearlier，almostcauselesshatredwasaddednowa_personalhatred_，bornofenvy……ThoughIdonotmaintainpositivelythatsheunderstoodallthisdistinctly;butshecertainlydidfullyunderstandthatIwasadespicableman，andwhatwasworse，incapableoflovingher。
　　IknowIshallbetoldthatthisisincredible——butitisincredibletobeasspitefulandstupidasIwas;itmaybeaddedthatitwasstrangeIshouldnotloveher，oratanyrate，appreciateherlove。Whyisitstrange？Inthefirstplace，bythenIwasincapableoflove，forIrepeat，withmelovingmeanttyrannisingandshowingmymoralsuperiority。Ihaveneverinmylifebeenabletoimagineanyothersortoflove，andhavenowadayscometothepointofsometimesthinkingthatlovereallyconsistsintheright——freelygivenbythebelovedobject——totyranniseoverher。
　　EveninmyundergrounddreamsIdidnotimagineloveexceptasastruggle。Ibeganitalwayswithhatredandendeditwithmoralsubjugation，andafterwardsIneverknewwhattodowiththesubjugatedobject。Andwhatistheretowonderatinthat，sinceIhadsucceededinsocorruptingmyself，sinceIwassooutoftouchwith"reallife，"astohaveactuallythoughtofreproachingher，andputtinghertoshameforhavingcometometohear"finesentiments";anddidnotevenguessthatshehadcomenottohearfinesentiments，buttoloveme，becausetoawomanallreformation，allsalvationfromanysortofruin，andallmoralrenewalisincludedinloveandcanonlyshowitselfinthatform。
　　Ididnothatehersomuch，however，whenIwasrunningabouttheroomandpeepingthroughthecrackinthescreen。Iwasonlyinsufferablyoppressedbyherbeinghere。Iwantedhertodisappear。Iwanted"peace，"tobeleftaloneinmyundergroundworld。ReallifeoppressedmewithitsnoveltysomuchthatI
　　couldhardlybreathe。
　　Butseveralminutespassedandshestillremained，withoutstirring，asthoughshewereunconscious。Ihadtheshamelessnesstotapsoftlyatthescreenasthoughtoremindher……Shestarted，sprangup，andflewtoseekherkerchief，herhat，hercoat，asthoughmakingherescapefromme……Twominuteslatershecamefrombehindthescreenandlookedwithheavyeyesatme。Igaveaspitefulgrin，whichwasforced，however，to_keepupappearances_，andIturnedawayfromhereyes。
　　"Good-bye，"shesaid，goingtowardsthedoor。
　　Iranuptoher，seizedherhand，openedit，thrustsomethinginitandcloseditagain。ThenIturnedatonceanddashedawayinhastetotheothercorneroftheroomtoavoidseeing，anyway……
　　Ididmeanamomentsincetotellalie——towritethatIdidthisaccidentally，notknowingwhatIwasdoingthroughfoolishness，throughlosingmyhead。ButIdon’twanttolie，andsoIwillsaystraightoutthatIopenedherhandandputthemoneyinit……fromspite。ItcameintomyheadtodothiswhileIwasrunningupanddowntheroomandshewassittingbehindthescreen。ButthisIcansayforcertain：thoughIdidthatcruelthingpurposely，itwasnotanimpulsefromtheheart，butcamefrommyevilbrain。Thiscrueltywassoaffected，sopurposelymadeup，socompletelyaproductofthebrain，ofbooks，thatI
　　couldnotevenkeepitupaminute——firstIdashedawaytoavoidseeingher，andtheninshameanddespairrushedafterLiza。I
　　openedthedoorinthepassageandbeganlistening。
　　"Liza！Liza！"Icriedonthestairs，butinalowvoice，notboldly。
　　Therewasnoanswer，butIfanciedIheardherfootsteps，lowerdownonthestairs。
　　"Liza！"Icried，moreloudly。
　　Noanswer。ButatthatminuteIheardthestiffouterglassdooropenheavilywithacreakandslamviolently;thesoundechoedupthestairs。
　　Shehadgone。Iwentbacktomyroominhesitation。Ifelthorriblyoppressed。
　　Istoodstillatthetable，besidethechaironwhichshehadsatandlookedaimlesslybeforeme。Aminutepassed，suddenlyI
　　started;straightbeforemeonthetableIsaw……Inshort，I
　　sawacrumpledbluefive-roublenote，theoneIhadthrustintoherhandaminutebefore。Itwasthesamenote;itcouldbenoother，therewasnootherintheflat。SoshehadmanagedtoflingitfromherhandonthetableatthemomentwhenIhaddashedintothefurthercorner。
　　Well！Imighthaveexpectedthatshewoulddothat。MightI
　　haveexpectedit？No，Iwassuchanegoist，Iwassolackinginrespectformyfellow-creaturesthatIcouldnotevenimagineshewoulddoso。Icouldnotendureit。AminutelaterIflewlikeamadmantodress，flingingonwhatIcouldatrandomandranheadlongafterher。ShecouldnothavegottwohundredpacesawaywhenIranoutintothestreet。
　　Itwasastillnightandthesnowwascomingdowninmassesandfallingalmostperpendicularly，coveringthepavementandtheemptystreetasthoughwithapillow。Therewasnooneinthestreet，nosoundwastobeheard。Thestreetlampsgaveadisconsolateanduselessglimmer。Irantwohundredpacestothecross-roadsandstoppedshort。
　　Wherehadshegone？AndwhywasIrunningafterher？
　　Why？Tofalldownbeforeher，tosobwithremorse，tokissherfeet，toentreatherforgiveness！Ilongedforthat，mywholebreastwasbeingrenttopieces，andnever，nevershallIrecallthatminutewithindifference。But——whatfor？Ithought。
　　ShouldInotbegintohateher，perhaps，eventomorrow，justbecauseIhadkissedherfeettoday？ShouldIgiveherhappiness？HadInotrecognisedthatday，forthehundredthtime，whatIwasworth？ShouldInottortureher？
　　Istoodinthesnow，gazingintothetroubleddarknessandponderedthis。
　　"Andwillitnotbebetter？"Imusedfantastically，afterwardsathome，stiflingthelivingpangofmyheartwithfantasticdreams。
　　"Willitnotbebetterthatsheshouldkeeptheresentmentoftheinsultforever？Resentment——why，itispurification;itisamoststingingandpainfulconsciousness！TomorrowIshouldhavedefiledhersoulandhaveexhaustedherheart，whilenowthefeelingofinsultwillneverdieinherheart，andhoweverloathsomethefilthawaitingher——thefeelingofinsultwillelevateandpurifyher……byhatred……h’m！……perhaps，too，byforgiveness……Willallthatmakethingseasierforherthough？……"
　　And，indeed，Iwillaskonmyownaccounthere，anidlequestion：
　　whichisbetter——cheaphappinessorexaltedsufferings？Well，whichisbetter？
　　SoIdreamedasIsatathomethatevening，almostdeadwiththepaininmysoul。NeverhadIenduredsuchsufferingandremorse，yetcouldtherehavebeenthefaintestdoubtwhenIranoutfrommylodgingthatIshouldturnbackhalf-way？InevermetLizaagainandIhaveheardnothingofher。Iwilladd，too，thatI
　　remainedforalongtimeafterwardspleasedwiththephraseaboutthebenefitfromresentmentandhatredinspiteofthefactthatIalmostfellillfrommisery……
　　Evennow，somanyyearslater，allthisissomehowaveryevilmemory。Ihavemanyevilmemoriesnow，but……hadn’tIbetterendmy"Notes"here？IbelieveImadeamistakeinbeginningtowritethem，anywayIhavefeltashamedallthetimeI’vebeenwritingthisstory;soit’shardlyliteraturesomuchasacorrectivepunishment。Why，totelllongstories，showinghowI
　　havespoiledmylifethroughmorallyrottinginmycorner，throughlackoffittingenvironment，throughdivorcefromreallife，andranklingspiteinmyundergroundworld，wouldcertainlynotbeinteresting;anovelneedsahero，andallthetraitsforananti-heroare_expressly_gatheredtogetherhere，andwhatmattersmost，itallproducesanunpleasantimpression，forwearealldivorcedfromlife，weareallcripples，everyoneofus，moreorless。Wearesodivorcedfromitthatwefeelatonceasortofloathingforreallife，andsocannotbeartoberemindedofit。Why，wehavecomealmosttolookinguponreallifeasaneffort，almostashardwork，andweareallprivatelyagreedthatitisbetterinbooks。Andwhydowefussandfumesometimes？
　　Whyareweperverseandaskforsomethingelse？Wedon’tknowwhatourselves。Itwouldbetheworseforusifourpetulantprayerswereanswered。Come，try，giveanyoneofus，forinstance，alittlemoreindependence，untieourhands，widenthespheresofouractivity，relaxthecontrolandwe……yes，Iassureyou……weshouldbebeggingtobeundercontrolagainatonce。I
　　knowthatyouwillverylikelybeangrywithmeforthat，andwillbeginshoutingandstamping。Speakforyourself，youwillsay，andforyourmiseriesinyourundergroundholes，anddon’tdaretosayallofus——excuseme，gentlemen，Iamnotjustifyingmyselfwiththat"allofus。"AsforwhatconcernsmeinparticularIhaveonlyinmylifecarriedtoanextremewhatyouhavenotdaredtocarryhalfway，andwhat’smore，youhavetakenyourcowardiceforgoodsense，andhavefoundcomfortindeceivingyourselves。Sothatperhaps，afterall，thereismorelifeinmethaninyou。Lookintoitmorecarefully！Why，wedon’tevenknowwhatlivingmeansnow，whatitis，andwhatitiscalled？Leaveusalonewithoutbooksandweshallbelostandinconfusionatonce。Weshallnotknowwhattojoinonto，whattoclingto，whattoloveandwhattohate，whattorespectandwhattodespise。Weareoppressedatbeingmen——menwitharealindividualbodyandblood，weareashamedofit，wethinkitadisgraceandtrytocontrivetobesomesortofimpossiblegeneralisedman。Wearestillborn，andforgenerationspasthavebeenbegotten，notbylivingfathers，andthatsuitsusbetterandbetter。Wearedevelopingatasteforit。Soonweshallcontrivetobebornsomehowfromanidea。Butenough;Idon’twanttowritemorefrom"Underground"……
　　[Thenotesofthisparadoxalistdonotendhere，however。Hecouldnotrefrainfromgoingonwiththem，butitseemstousthatwemaystophere。]