Thepointis，wasIdrunkenoughnottobemorallyresponsibleformyproposal？OrwasIsoberenoughtobeboundtorepeatitnowthatIamundoubtedlysober？
　　LARRY。Ishouldseealittlemoreofherbeforedeciding。
　　BROADBENT。No，no。Thatwouldnotberight。Thatwouldnotbefair。IameitherunderamoralobligationorIamnot。IwishI
　　knewhowdrunkIwas。
　　LARRY。Well，youwereevidentlyinastateofblitheringsentimentality，anyhow。
　　BROADBENT。Thatistrue，Larry：Iadmitit。Hervoicehasamostextraordinaryeffectonme。ThatIrishvoice！
　　LARRY[sympathetically]。Yes，Iknow。WhenIfirstwenttoLondonIverynearlyproposedtowalkoutwithawaitressinanAeratedBreadshopbecauseherWhitechapelaccentwassodistinguished，soquaintlytouching，sopretty——
　　BROADBENT[angrily]。MissReillyisnotawaitress，isshe？
　　LARRY。Oh，come！Thewaitresswasaverynicegirl。
　　BROADBENT。YouthinkeveryEnglishwomananangel。Youreallyhavecoarsetastesinthatway，Larry。MissReillyisoneofthefinertypes：atyperareinEngland，exceptperhapsinthebestofthearistocracy。
　　LARRY。Aristocracybeblowed！DoyouknowwhatNoraeats？
　　BROADBENT。Eats！whatdoyoumean？
　　LARRY。Breakfast：teaandbread-and-butter，withanoccasionalrasher，andaneggonspecialoccasions：sayonherbirthday。
　　Dinnerinthemiddleoftheday，onecourseandnothingelse。Intheevening，teaandbread-and-butteragain。YoucompareherwithyourEnglishwomenwhowolfdownfromthreetofivemeatmealsaday;andnaturallyyoufindherasylph。Thedifferenceisnotadifferenceoftype：it’sthedifferencebetweenthewomanwhoeatsnotwiselybuttoowell，andthewomanwhoeatsnotwiselybuttoolittle。
　　BROADBENT[furious]。Larry：you——you——youdisgustme。Youareadamnedfool。[Hesitsdownangrilyontherusticseat，whichsustainstheshockwithdifficulty]。
　　LARRY。Steady！stead-eee！[Helaughsandseatshimselfonthetable]。
　　CorneliusDoyle，FatherDempsey，BarneyDoran，andMatthewHaffigancomefromthehouse。Doranisastoutbodied，shortarmed，roundheaded，red-hairedmanonthevergeofmiddleage，ofsanguinetemperament，withanenormouscapacityforderisive，obscene，blasphemous，ormerelycruelandsenselessfun，andaviolentandimpetuousintoleranceofothertemperamentsandotheropinions，allthisrepresentingenergyandcapacitywastedanddemoralizedbywantofsufficienttrainingandsocialpressuretoforceitintobeneficentactivityandbuildacharacterwithit;
　　forBarneyisbynomeanseitherstupidorweak。Heisrecklesslyuntidyastohisperson;buttheworsteffectsofhisneglectaremitigatedbyapowderingofflourandmilldust;andhisunbrushedclothes，madeofafashionabletailor’ssackcloth，wereevidentlychosenregardlessofexpenseforthesakeoftheirappearance。
　　MatthewHaffigan，illatease，coaststhegardenshylyontheshrubberysideuntilheanchorsnearthebasket，wherehefeelsleastintheway。ThepriestcomestothetableandslapsLarryontheshoulder。Larry，turningquickly，andrecognizingFatherDempsey，alightsfromthetableandshakesthepriest’shandwarmly。DorancomesdownthegardenbetweenFatherDempseyandMatt;andCornelius，ontheothersideofthetable，turnstoBroadbent，whorisesgenially。
　　CORNELIUS。Ithinkweallmetlasnight。
　　DORAN。Ihadn’tthatpleasure。
　　CORNELIUS。Tobesure，Barney：Iforgot。[ToBroadbent，introducingBarney]MrDoran。Heownsthatfinemillyounoticedfromthecar。
　　BROADBENT[delightedwiththemall]。Mosthappy，MrDoran。Verypleasedindeed。
　　Doran，notquitesurewhetherheisbeingcourtedorpatronized，nodsindependently。
　　DORAN。How’syourself，Larry？
　　LARRY。Finely，thankyou。Noneedtoaskyou。[Dorangrins;andtheyshakehands]。
　　CORNELIUS。GiveFatherDempseyachair，Larry。
　　MatthewHaffiganrunstothenearestendofthetableandtakesthechairfromit，placingitnearthebasket;butLarryhasalreadytakenthechairfromtheotherendandplaceditinfrontofthetable。FatherDempseyacceptsthatmorecentralposition。
　　CORNELIUS。Sitdown，Barney，willyou;andyou，Mat。
　　DorantakesthechairMatisstillofferingtothepriest;andpoorMatthew，outfacedbythemiller，humblyturnsthebasketupsidedownandsitsonit。CorneliusbringshisownbreakfastchairfromthetableandsitsdownonFatherDempsey’sright。
　　Broadbentresumeshisseatontherusticbench。LarrycrossestothebenchandisabouttositdownbesidehimwhenBroadbentholdshimoffnervously。
　　BROADBENT。Doyouthinkitwillbeartwo，Larry？
　　LARRY。Perhapsnot。Don’tmove。I’llstand。[Hepostshimselfbehindthebench]。
　　Theyareallnowseated，exceptLarry;andthesessionassumesaportentousair，asifsomethingimportantwerecoming。
　　CORNELIUS。Propsyou’llexplain，FatherDempsey。
　　FATHERDEMPSEY。No，no：goon，you：theChurchhasnopolitics。
　　CORNELIUS。Wereyeverthinkinogoinintoparliamentatall，Larry？
　　LARRY。Me！
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[encouragingly]Yes，you。Hwynot？
　　LARRY。I’mafraidmyideaswouldnotbepopularenough。
　　CORNELIUS。Idon’tknowthat。Doyou，Barney？
　　DORAN。There’stoomuchblatherumskiteinIrishpoliticsadaletoomuch。
　　LARRY。Butwhataboutyourpresentmember？Ishegoingtoretire？
　　CORNELIUS。No：Idon’tknowthatheis。
　　LARRY[interrogatively]。Well？then？
　　MATTHEW[breakingoutwithsurlybitterness]。We’vehadenoughofhisfoolishtalkagenlanlords。Hwatcallhashetotalkaboutthelan，thatneverwasoutsideofacityofficeinhislife？
　　CORNELIUS。We’retiredofhim。Hedoesn’tknowhweretostop。
　　Everymancan’townland;andsomemenmustownittoemploythem。ItwasallverywellwhensolidmenlikeDoranandmeandMatwerekepfromowninland。ButhwatmaninhissenseseverwantedtogivelandtoPatsyFarrllandhelikeohim？
　　BROADBENT。ButsurelyIrishlandlordismwasaccountableforwhatMrHaffigansuffered。
　　MATTHEW。NevermindhwatIsuffered。IknowwhatIsufferedadhoutyoutellinme。ButdidIeveraskformoredhanthefarmI
　　madewidmeownhans：tellmethat，CornyDoyle，andyouthatknows。WasIfitfortheresponsibilityorwasInot？[SnarlingangrilyatCornelius]AmItobecomparedtoPatsyFarrll，thatdoesn’tharlyknowhisrighthandfromhisleft？Whatdidheeversuffer，I’dliketoknow？
　　CORNELIUS。That’sjustwhatIsay。Iwasn’tcomparinyoutoyourdisadvantage。
　　MATTHEW[implacable]。Thenhwatdidyoumanebetalkinaboutgivinhimlan？
　　DORAN。Aisy，Mat，aisy。You’relikeabearwithasoreback。
　　MATTHEW[tremblingwithrage]。Anwhoareyou，tooffertotaitchmemanners？
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[admonitorily]。Now，now，now，Matnoneodhat。
　　HowoftenhaveItoldyouyou’retooreadytotakeoffencewherenoneismeant？Youdon’tunderstand：CornyDoyleissayingjustwhatyouwanttohavesaid。[ToCornelius]Goon，MrDoyle;andnevermindhim。
　　MATTHEW[rising]。Well，ifmelanistobegiventoPatsyandhislike，I’mgoinouradhis。I——
　　DORAN[withviolentimpatience]Arrawho’sgointogiveyourlantoPatsy，yowlfoolye？
　　FATHERDEMPSEY。Aisy，Barney，aisy。[Sternly，toMat]Itoldyou，MatthewHaffigan，thatCornyDoylewassayinnothinagainstyou。
　　I’msorryyourpriest’swordisnotgoodenoughforyou。I’llgo，soonerthanstaytomakeyoucommitasinagainsttheChurch。
　　Goodmorning，gentlemen。[Herises。Theyallrise，exceptBroadbent]。
　　DORAN[toMat]。There！Sarveyoudamwellright，youcantankerousoulnoodle。
　　MATTHEW[appalled]。Don’tsaydhat，FadherDempsey。IneverhadathoughtagenyouortheHolyChurch。IknowI’mabithastywhenIthinkaboutthelan。Iaxyourpardnforit。
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[resuminghisseatwithdignifiedreserve]。Verywell：I’lloverlookitthistime。[Hesitsdown。Theotherssitdown，exceptMatthew。FatherDempsey，abouttoaskCornytoproceed，remembersMatthewandturnstohim，givinghimjustacrumbofgraciousness]。Sitdown，Mat。[Matthew，crushed，sitsdownindisgrace，andissilent，hiseyesshiftingpiteouslyfromonespeakertoanotherinanintenselymistrustfulefforttounderstandthem]。Goon，MrDoyle。Wecanmakeallowances。Goon。
　　CORNELIUS。Well，youseehowitis，Larry。Roundabouthere，we’vegotthelandatlast;andwewantnomoreGovermentmeddlin。Wewantanewclassomaninparliament：onedhatknowsdhatthefarmer’stherealbackboneothecountry，ndoesn’tcareasnapofhisfingersfortheshoutnotheriff-raffinthetowns，orforthefoolishnessofthelaborers。
　　DORAN。Aye;andhatcanaffordtoliveinLondonandpayhisownwayuntilHomeRulecomes，insteadowantinsubscriptionsandthelike。
　　FATHERDEMPSEY。Yes：that’sagoodpoint，Barney。Whentoomuchmoneygoestopolitics，it’stheChurchthathastostarveforit。AmemberofparliamentoughttobeahelptotheChurchinsteadofaburdenonit。
　　LARRY。Here’sachanceforyou，Tom。Whatdoyousay？
　　BROADBENT[deprecatory，butimportantandsmiling]。Oh，Ihavenoclaimwhatevertotheseat。Besides，I’maSaxon。
　　DORAN。Ahwat？
　　BROADBENT。ASaxon。AnEnglishman。
　　DORAN。AnEnglishman。BedadIneverhearditcalleddhatbefore。
　　MATTHEW[cunningly]。IfImightmakesobould，Fadher，Iwouldn’tsaybutanEnglishProdestnmightn’thaveamoreindepindentmindaboutthelan，anbelessafeerdtospakeoutaboutit，dhananIrishCatholic。
　　CORNELIUS。ButsureLarry’sasgoodasEnglish：aren’tyou，Larry？
　　LARRY。Youmayputmeoutofyourhead，father，onceforall。
　　CORNELIUS。Arrawhy？
　　LARRY。Ihavestrongopinionswhichwouldn’tsuityou。
　　DORAN[rallyinghimblatantly]。IsitstillLarrythebouldFenian？
　　LARRY。No：theboldFenianisnowanolderandpossiblyfoolisherman。
　　CORNELIUS。Hwatdoesitmattertoushwatyouropinionsare？Youknowthatyourfather’sboughthisfarm，justthesameasMatherenBarney’smill。Allweasknowistobeletalone。You’venothinagainstthat，haveyou？
　　LARRY。CertainlyIhave。Idon’tbelieveinlettinganybodyoranythingalone。
　　CORNELIUS[losinghistemper]。Arrawhatd’yemean，youyoungfool？HereI’vegotyoutheofferofagoodseatinparliament;nyouthinkyourselfmightysmarttostandthereandtalkfoolishnesstome。Willyoutakeitorleaveit？
　　LARRY。Verywell：I’lltakeitwithpleasureifyou’llgiveittome。
　　CORNELIUS[subsidingsulkily]。Well，whycouldn’tyousaysoatonce？It’sagoodjobyou’vemadeupyourmindatlast。
　　DORAN[suspiciously]。Stopabit，stopabit。
　　MATTHEW[writhingbetweenhisdissatisfactionandhisfearofthepriest]。It’snotbecausehe’syoursonthathe’stogetthesate。FadherDempsey：wouldn’tyouthinkwelltoaskhimwhathemanesaboutthelan？
　　LARRY[comingdownonMatpromptly]。I’lltellyou，Mat。Ialwaysthoughtitwasastupid，lazy，good-for-nothingsortofthingtoleavethelandinthehandsoftheoldlandlordswithoutcallingthemtoastrictaccountfortheusetheymadeofit，andtheconditionofthepeopleonit。IcouldseeformyselfthattheythoughtofnothingbutwhattheycouldgetoutofittospendinEngland;andthattheymortgagedandmortgageduntilhardlyoneofthemownedhisownpropertyorcouldhaveaffordedtokeepitupdecentlyifhe’dwantedto。ButItellyouplumpandplain，Mat，thatifanybodythinksthingswillbeanybetternowthatthelandishandedovertoalotoflittlemenlikeyou，withoutcallingyoutoaccounteither，they’remistaken。
　　MATTHEW[sullenly]。Whatcallhaveyoutolookdownonme？I
　　supposeyouthinkyou’reeverybodybecauseyourfatherwasalandagent。
　　LARRY。WhatcallhaveyoutolookdownonPatsyFarrell？I
　　supposeyouthinkyou’reeverybodybecauseyouownafewfields。
　　MATTHEW。WasPatsyFarrlleverillusedasIwasillused？tellmedhat。
　　LARRY。Hewillbe，ifeverhegetsintoyourpowerasyouwereinthepowerofyouroldlandlord。Doyouthink，becauseyou’repoorandignorantandhalf-crazywithtoilingandmoilingmorningnoonandnight，thatyou’llbeanylessgreedyandoppressivetothemthathavenolandatallthanoldNickLestrange，whowasaneducatedtravelledgentlemanthatwouldnothavebeentemptedashardbyahundredpoundsasyou’dbebyfiveshillings？NickwastoohighabovePatsyFarrelltobejealousofhim;butyou，thatareonlyonelittlestepabovehim，woulddiesoonerthanlethimcomeupthatstep;andwellyouknowit。
　　MATTHEW[blackwithrage，inalowgrowl]。Lemmeourathis。[Hetriestorise;butDorancatcheshiscoatanddragshimdownagain]I’mgoin，Isay。[Raisinghisvoice]Leggomecoat，BarneyDoran。
　　DORAN。Sitdown，yowlomadhaun，you。[Whispering]Don’tyouwanttostayanvoteagainsthim？
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[holdinguphisfinger]Mat！[Matsubsides]。Now，now，now！come，come！HwatsalldhisaboutPatsyFarrll？HwyneedyoufalloutaboutHIM？
　　LARRY。BecauseitwasbyusingPatsy’spovertytoundersellEnglandinthemarketsoftheworldthatwedroveEnglandtoruinIreland。Andshe’llruinusagainthemomentweliftourheadsfromthedustifwetradeincheaplabor;andserveusrighttoo！
　　IfIgetintoparliament，I’lltrytogetanActtopreventanyofyoufromgivingPatsylessthanapoundaweek[theyallstart，hardlyabletobelievetheirears]orworkinghimharderthanyou’dworkahorsethatcostyoufiftyguineas。
　　DORAN。Hwat！！！
　　CORNELIUS[aghast]。Apounda——Godsaveus！theboy’smad。
　　Matthew，feelingthathereissomethingquitebeyondhispowers，turnsopenmouthedtothepriest，asiflookingfornothinglessthanthesummaryexcommunicationofLarry。
　　LARRY。Howisthemantomarryandliveadecentlifeonless？
　　FATHERDEMPSEY。Manalive，hwerehaveyoubeenlivingalltheseyears？andhwathaveyoubeendreamingof？Why，someodhesehonestmenherecan’tmakethatmuchoutothelandforthemselves，muchlessgiveittoalaborer。
　　LARRY[nowthoroughlyroused]。Thenletthemmakeroomforthosewhocan。IsIrelandnevertohaveachance？Firstshewasgiventotherich;andnowthattheyhavegorgedonherflesh，herbonesaretobeflungtothepoor，thatcandonothingbutsuckthemarrowoutofher。Ifwecan’thavemenofhonorowntheland，letshavemenofability。Ifwecan’thavemenwithability，letusatleasthavemenwithcapital。Anybody’sbetterthanMat，whohasneitherhonor，norability，norcapital，noranythingbutmerebrutelaborandgreedinhim，Heavenhelphim！
　　DORAN。Well，we’renotallfoostherinouldoddhererslikeMat。
　　[Pleasantly，tothesubjectofthisdescription]Arewe，Mat？
　　LARRY。Formodernindustrialpurposesyoumightjustaswellbe，Barney。You’reallchildren：thebigworldthatIbelongtohasgonepastyouandleftyou。Anyhow，weIrishmenwerenevermadetobefarmers;andwe’llneverdoanygoodatit。We’reliketheJews：theAlmightygaveusbrains，andbidusfarmthem，andleavetheclayandthewormsalone。
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[withgentleirony]。Oh！isitJewsyouwanttomakeofus？Imustcatechizeyouabitmeself，Ithink。Thenextthingyou’llbeproposingistorepealthedisestablishmentoftheso-calledIrishChurch。
　　LARRY。Yes：whynot？[Sensation]。
　　MATTHEW[rancorously]。He’saturncoat。
　　LARRY。StPeter，therockonwhichourChurchwasbuilt，wascrucifiedheaddownwardsforbeingaturncoat。
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[withaquietauthoritativedignitywhichchecksDoran，whoisonthepointofbreakingout]。That’strue。Youholdyourtongueasbefitsyourignorance，MatthewHaffigan;andtrustyourpriesttodealwiththisyoungman。Now，LarryDoyle，whatevertheblessedStPeterwascrucifiedfor，itwasnotforbeingaProdestan。Areyouone？
　　LARRY。No。IamaCatholicintelligentenoughtoseethattheProtestantsarenevermoredangeroustousthanwhentheyarefreefromallallianceswiththeState。Theso-calledIrishChurchisstrongertodaythaneveritwas。
　　MATTHEW。FadherDempsey：willyoutellhimdhatmemother’santwasshotandkiltdeadinthesthreetoRosscullenbeasoljerinthetithewar？[Frantically]Hewantstoputthetithesonusagain。He——
　　LARRY[interruptinghimwithoverbearingcontempt]。Putthetithesonyouagain！Didthetithesevercomeoffyou？WasyourlandanydearerwhenyoupaidthetithetotheparsonthanitwaswhenyoupaidthesamemoneytoNickLestrangeasrent，andhehandeditovertotheChurchSustentationFund？WillyoualwaysbedupedbyActsofParliamentthatchangenothingbutthenecktieofthemanthatpicksyourpocket？I’lltellyouwhatI’ddowithyou，MatHaffigan：I’dmakeyoupaytithestoyourownChurch。IwanttheCatholicChurchestablishedinIreland：that’swhatIwant。DoyouthinkthatI，broughtuptoregardmyselfasthesonofagreatandholyChurch，canbeartoseeherbeggingherbreadfromtheignoranceandsuperstitionofmenlikeyou？I
　　wouldhaveherashighaboveworldlywantasIwouldhaveheraboveworldlyprideorambition。Aye;andIwouldhaveIrelandcompetewithRomeitselfforthechairofStPeterandthecitadeloftheChurch;forRome，inspiteofallthebloodofthemartyrs，ispaganathearttothisday，whileinIrelandthepeopleistheChurchandtheChurchthepeople。
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[startled，butnotatalldispleased]。Whisht，man！You’reworsethanmadPetherKeeganhimself。
　　BROADBENT[whohaslistenedinthegreatestastonishment]。Youamazeme，Larry。Whowouldhavethoughtofyourcomingoutlikethis！[Solemnly]ButmuchasIappreciateyourreallybrillianteloquence，IimploreyounottodesertthegreatLiberalprincipleofDisestablishment。
　　LARRY。IamnotaLiberal：Heavenforbid！AdisestablishedChurchistheworsttyrannyanationcangroanunder。
　　BROADBENT[makingawryface]。DON’Tbeparadoxical，Larry。Itreallygivesmeapaininmystomach。
　　LARRY。You’llsoonfindoutthetruthofithere。LookatFatherDempsey！heisdisestablished：hehasnothingtohopeorfearfromtheState;andtheresultisthathe’sthemostpowerfulmaninRosscullen。ThememberforRosscullenwouldshakeinhisshoesifFatherDempseylookedcrookedathim。[FatherDempseysmiles，bynomeansaversetothisacknowledgmentofhisauthority]。Lookatyourself！youwoulddefytheestablishedArchbishopofCanterburytentimesaday;butcatchyoudaringtosayawordthatwouldshockaNonconformist！notyou。TheConservativepartytodayistheonlyonethat’snotpriestridden——excusetheexpression，Father[FatherDempseynodstolerantly]——causeit’stheonlyonethathasestablisheditsChurchandcanpreventaclergymanbecomingabishopifhe’snotaStatesmanaswellasaChurchman。
　　Hestops。Theystareathimdumbfounded，andleaveittothepriesttoanswerhim。
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[judicially]。Youngman：you’llnotbethememberforRosscullen;butthere’smoreinyourheadthanthecombwilltakeout。
　　LARRY。I’msorrytodisappointyou，father;butItoldyouitwouldbenouse。AndnowIthinkthecandidatehadbetterretireandleaveyoutodiscusshissuccessor。[Hetakesanewspaperfromthetableandgoesawaythroughtheshrubberyamiddeadsilence，allturningtowatchhimuntilhepassesoutofsightroundthecornerofthehouse]。
　　DORAN[dazed]。Hwatsortofafellaisheatallatall？
　　FATHERDEMPSEY。He’sacleverlad：there’sthemakingofamaninhimyet。
　　MATTHEW[inconsternation]。D’yemanetosaydhatyllputhimintoparliamenttobringbackNickLesthrangeonme，andtoputtithesonme，andtorobmeforthelikeoPatsyFarrll，becausehe’sCornyDoyle’sonlyson？
　　DORAN[brutally]。Arrahouldyourwhisht：who’sgointosendhimintoparliament？Maybeyou’dlikeustosendyoudheretothratethemtoalittleoyouranxietyaboutdhatdirtylittlepodatopatchoyours。
　　MATTHEW[plaintively]。AmItobetowlddhisaftherallmesufferins？
　　DORAN。Och，I’mtiredoyoursufferins。We’vebeenhearinnothinelseeversincewewaschildherbutsufferins。Havenitwasn’tyoursitwassomebodyelse’s;andhavenitwasnobodyelse’sitwasouldIrelan’s。Howthedivilarewetoliveonwananodher’ssufferins？
　　FATHERDEMPSEY。That’sathrueword，BarneyDoarn;onlyyourtongue’salittletoofamiliarwidhedevil。[ToMat]Ifyou’dthinkalittlemoreothesufferinsoftheblessedsaints，Mat，analittlelessoyourown，you’dfindthewayshorterfromyourfarmtoheaven。[Matisabouttoreply]Dherenow！Dhat’senough！
　　weknowyoumeanwell;anI’mnotangrywithyou。
　　BROADBENT。Surely，MrHaffigan，youcanseethesimpleexplanationofallthis。MyfriendLarryDoyleisamostbrilliantspeaker;buthe’saTory：aningrainedoldfashionedTory。
　　CORNELIUS。Nhowd’yemakedhatout，ifImightaskyou，MrBroadbent？
　　BROADBENT[collectinghimselfforapoliticaldeliverance]。Well，youknow，MrDoyle，there’sastrongdashofToryismintheIrishcharacter。LarryhimselfsaysthatthegreatDukeofWellingtonwasthemosttypicalIrishmanthateverlived。Ofcoursethat’sanabsurdparadox;butstillthere’sagreatdealoftruthinit。
　　NowIamaLiberal。YouknowthegreatprinciplesoftheLiberalparty。Peace——
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[piously]。Hear！hear！
　　BROADBENT[encouraged]。Thankyou。Retrenchment——[hewaitsforfurtherapplause]。
　　MATTHEW[timidly]。Whatmightrethrenchmentmanenow？
　　BROADBENT。Itmeansanimmensereductionintheburdenoftheratesandtaxes。
　　MATTHEW[respectfullyapproving]。Dhatsright。Dhatsright，sir。
　　BROADBENT[perfunctorily]。And，ofcourse，Reform。
　　CORNELIUS}
　　FATHERDEMPSEY}[conventionally]。Ofcourse。
　　DORAN}
　　MATTHEW[stillsuspicious]。HwatdoesReformmane，sir？Doesitmanealtherinannythindhatsasitisnow？
　　BROADBENT[impressively]。Itmeans，MrHaffigan，maintainingthosereformswhichhavealreadybeenconferredonhumanitybytheLiberalParty，andtrustingforfuturedevelopmentstothefreeactivityofafreepeopleonthebasisofthosereforms。
　　DORAN。Dhat’sright。Nomoremeddlin。We’reallrightnow：allwewantistobeletalone。
　　CORNELIUS。HwataboutHomeRule？
　　BROADBENT[risingsoastoaddressthemmoreimposingly]。I
　　reallycannottellyouwhatIfeelaboutHomeRulewithoutusingthelanguageofhyperbole。
　　DORAN。SavinFadherDempsey’spresence，eh？
　　BROADBENT[notunderstandinghim]Quiteso——er——ohyes。AllIcansayisthatasanEnglishmanIblushfortheUnion。Itistheblackeststainonournationalhistory。Ilookforwardtothetime-anditcannotbefardistant，gentlemen，becauseHumanityislookingforwardtoittoo，andinsistingonitwithnouncertainvoice——IlookforwardtothetimewhenanIrishlegislatureshallariseoncemoreontheemeraldpastureofCollegeGreen，andtheUnionJack——thatdetestablesymbolofadecadentImperialism——bereplacedbyaflagasgreenastheislandoverwhichitwaves——aflagonwhichweshallaskforEnglandonlyamodestquarteringinmemoryofourgreatpartyandoftheimmortalnameofourgrandoldleader。
　　DORAN[enthusiastically]。Dhat’sthestyle，begob！[Hesmiteshisknee，andwinksatMat]。
　　MATTHEW。Morepowertoyou，Sir！
　　BROADBENT。Ishallleaveyounow，gentlemen，toyourdeliberations。IshouldliketohaveenlargedontheservicesrenderedbytheLiberalPartytothereligiousfaithofthegreatmajorityofthepeopleofIreland;butIshallcontentmyselfwithsayingthatinmyopinionyoushouldchoosenorepresentativewho——nomatterwhathispersonalcreedmaybe——isnotanardentsupporteroffreedomofconscience，andisnotpreparedtoproveitbycontributions，aslavishashismeanswillallow，tothegreatandbeneficentworkwhichyou，FatherDempsey[FatherDempseybows]，aredoingforthepeopleofRosscullen。Norshouldthelighter，butstillmostimportantquestionofthesportsofthepeoplebeforgotten。Thelocalcricketclub——
　　CORNELIUS。Thehwat！
　　DORAN。Nobodyplaysbatsballhere，ifdhat’swhatyoumean。
　　BROADBENT。Well，letussayquoits。Isawtwomen，Ithink，lastnight——butafterall，thesearequestionsofdetail。Themainthingisthatyourcandidate，whoeverhemaybe，shallbeamanofsomemeans，abletohelpthelocalityinsteadofburdeningit。
　　Andifhewereacountrymanofmyown，themoraleffectontheHouseofCommonswouldbeimmense！tremendous！Pardonmysayingthesefewwords：nobodyfeelstheirimpertinencemorethanIdo。
　　Goodmorning，gentlemen。
　　Heturnsimpressivelytothegate，andtrotsaway，congratulatinghimself，，withalittletwistofhisheadandcockofhiseye，onhavingdoneagoodstrokeofpoliticalbusiness。
　　HAFFIGAN[awestruck]。Goodmorning，sir。
　　THEREST。Goodmorning。[Theywatchhimvacantlyuntilheisoutofearshot]。
　　CORNELIUS。Hwatd’yethink，FatherDempsey？
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[indulgently]Well，hehasn’tmuchsense，Godhelphim;butforthematterothat，neitherhasourpresentmember。
　　DORAN。Arramushahe’sgoodenoughforparliamentwhatistheretodotherebutgasabit，anchivytheGoverment，anvotewidhIrishparty？
　　CORNELIUS[ruminatively]。He’sthequeerestEnglishmanIevermet。WhenheopenedthepaperdhismorninthefirstthinghesawwasthatanEnglishexpeditionhadbeenbetinabattleinInjasomewhere;anhewasaspleasedasPunch！Larrytoldhimthatifhe’dbeenalivewhenthenewsoWaterloocame，he’dadiedogriefoverit。BedadIdon’tthinkhe’squiterightinhishead。
　　DORAN。Divilamattherifhehasplentyomoney。He’lldoforusrightenough。
　　MATTHEW[deeplyimpressedbyBroadbent，andunabletounderstandtheirlevityconcerninghim]。Didyoumindwhathesaidaboutrethrenchment？Thatwasverygood，Ithought。
　　FATHERDEMPSEY。YoumightfindoutfromLarry，Corny，whathismeansare。Godforgiveusall！it’spoorworkspoilingtheEgyptians，thoughwehavegoodwarrantforit;soI’dliketoknowhowmuchspoilthereisbeforeIcommitmeself。[Herises。
　　Theyallriserespectfully]。
　　CORNELIUS[ruefully]。I’dsetmemindonLarryhimselffortheseat;butIsupposeitcan’tbehelped。
　　FATHERDEMPSEY[consolinghim]。Well，theboy’syoungyet;anhehasaheadonhim。Goodbye，all。[Hegoesoutthroughthegate]。
　　DORAN。Imustbegoin，too。[HedirectsCornelius’sattentiontowhatispassingintheroad]。LookatmebouldEnglishmanshakinhanswidFadherDempseyforalltheworldlikeacandidateonelectionday。AndlookatFadherDempseygivinhimasqueezeanawinkasmuchastosayIt’sallright，meboy。Youwatchhimshakinhanswithmetoo：he’swaitnforme。I’lltellhimhe’sasgoodaselected。[Hegoes，chucklingmischievously]。
　　CORNELIUS。Comeinwithme，Mat。IthinkI’llsellyouthepigafterall。Comeinanwetthebargain。
　　MATTHEW[instantlydroppingintotheoldwhineofthetenant]。
　　I’mafeerdIcan’taffordtheprice，sir。[HefollowsCorneliusintothehouse]。
　　Larry，newspaperstillinhand，comesbackthroughtheshrubbery。
　　Broadbentreturnsthroughthegate。
　　LARRY。Well？Whathashappened。
　　BROADBENT[hugelyself-satisfied]。IthinkI’vedonethetrickthistime。Ijustgavethemabitofstraighttalk;anditwenthome。Theyweregreatlyimpressed：everyoneofthosemenbelievesinmeandwillvoteformewhenthequestionofselectingacandidatecomesup。Afterall，whateveryousay，Larry，theylikeanEnglishman。Theyfeeltheycantrusthim，Isuppose。
　　LARRY。Oh！they’vetransferredthehonortoyou，havethey？
　　BROADBENT[complacently]。Well，itwasaprettyobviousmove，I
　　shouldthink。Youknow，thesefellowshaveplentyofshrewdnessinspiteoftheirIrishoddity。[Hodsoncomesfromthehouse。
　　LarrysitsinDoran’schairandreads]。Oh，bytheway，Hodson——
　　HODSON[comingbetweenBroadbentandLarry]。Yes，sir？
　　BROADBENT。Iwantyoutoberatherparticularastohowyoutreatthepeoplehere。
　　HODSON。Ihaven’ttreatedanyofemyet，sir。IfIwastoacceptallthetreatstheyoffermeIshouldn’tbeabletostandatthispresentmoment，sir。
　　BROADBENT。Ohwell，don’tbetoostand-offish，youknow，Hodson。
　　Ishouldlikeyoutobepopular。IfitcostsanythingI’llmakeituptoyou。Itdoesn’tmatterifyougetabitupsetatfirst：
　　they’lllikeyouallthebetterforit。
　　HODSON。I’msureyou’reverykind，sir;butitdon’tseemtomattertomewhethertheylikemeornot。I’mnotgoingtostandforparliamenthere，sir。
　　BROADBENT。Well，Iam。Nowdoyouunderstand？
　　HODSON[wakingupatonce]。Oh，Ibegyourpardon，sir，I’msure。
　　Iunderstand，sir。
　　CORNELIUS[appearingatthehousedoorwithMat]。Patsy’lldrivethepigoverthisevenin，Mat。Goodbye。[Hegoesbackintothehouse。Matmakesforthegate。Broadbentstopshim。Hodson，painedbythederelictbasket，picksitupandcarriesitawaybehindthehouse]。
　　BROADBENT[beamingcandidatorially]。Imustthankyouveryparticularly，MrHaffigan，foryoursupportthismorning。IvalueitbecauseIknowthattherealheartofanationistheclassyourepresent，theyeomanry。
　　MATTHEW[aghast]Theyeomanry！！！
　　LARRY[lookingupfromhispaper]。Takecare，Tom！InRosscullenayeomanmeansasortofOrangeBashi-Bazouk。InEngland，Mat，theycallafreeholdfarmerayeoman。
　　MATTHEW[huffily]。Idon’tneedtobeinsthructedbeyou，LarryDoyle。Somepeoplethinknooneknowsanythinbutdhemselves。[ToBroadbent，deferentially]OfcourseIknowagentlemanlikeyouwouldnotcomparemetotheyeomanry。MeowngranfatherwasfloggedinthesthreetsofAthenmulletbethemwhentheyputaguninthethatchofhishouseanthenwentandfounditthere，badcesstothem！
　　BROADBENT[withsympatheticinterest]。Thenyouarenotthefirstmartyrofyourfamily，MrHaffigan？
　　MATTHEW。TheyturnedmeoutothefarmImadeoutofthestonesoLittleRosscullenhillwidmeownhans。
　　BROADBENT。Ihaveheardaboutit;andmybloodstillboilsatthethought。[Calling]Hodson——
　　HODSON[behindthecornerofthehouse]Yes，sir。[Hehurriesforward]。
　　BROADBENT。Hodson：thisgentleman’ssufferingsshouldmakeeveryEnglishmanthink。Itiswantofthoughtratherthanwantofheartthatallowssuchiniquitiestodisgracesociety。
　　HODSON[prosaically]。Yessir。
　　MATTHEW。Well，I’llbegoin。Goodmornintoyoukindly，sir。
　　BROADBENT。Youhavesomedistancetogo，MrHaffigan：willyouallowmetodriveyouhome？
　　MATTHEW。Ohsureit’dbethroublinyourhonor。
　　BROADBENT。Iinsist：itwillgivemethegreatestpleasure，I
　　assureyou。Mycarisinthestable：Icangetitroundinfiveminutes。
　　MATTHEW。Well，sir，ifyouwouldn’tmind，wecouldbringthepigI’vejustboughtfromCorny。
　　BROADBENT[withenthusiasm]。Certainly，MrHaffigan：itwillbequitedelightfultodrivewithapiginthecar：IshallfeelquitelikeanIrishman。Hodson：staywithMrHaffigan;andgivehimahandwiththepigifnecessary。Come，Larry;andhelpme。
　　[Herushesawaythroughtheshrubbery]。
　　LARRY[throwingthepaperill-humoredlyonthechair]。Lookhere，Tom！here，Isay！confoundit！[herunsafterhim]。
　　MATTHEW[gloweringdisdainfullyatHodson，andsittingdownonCornelius’schairasanactofsocialself-assertion]Nareyouthevalley？
　　HODSON。Thevalley？Oh，Ifollowyou：yes：I’mMrBroadbent’svalet。
　　MATTHEW。Yehaveanaisytimeofit：youlookpurtysleek。[Withsuppressedferocity]Lookatme！DoIlooksleek？
　　HODSON[sadly]。IwishIadyourealth：youlookashardasnails。Isufferfromanexcessofuricacid。
　　MATTHEW。Mushawhatsortodiseaseiszhouragassid？Didjeversufferfrominjusticeandstarvation？Dhat’stheIrishdisease。
　　It’saisyforyoutotalkosufferin，anyoulivinonthefatothelandwidmoneywrungfromus。
　　HODSON[Coolly]。Wotswrongwithyou，oldchap？Hasennybodybeendoinennythingtoyou？
　　MATTHEW。Anythintimme！Didn’tyourEnglishmasthersaythatthebloodbiledinhimtohearthewaytheyputarintonmeforthefarmImadewidmeownhans，andturnedmeoutofittogiveittoBillyByrne？
　　HODSON。Ow，TomBroadbent’sbloodboilsprettyeasyoverennythingthatappensoutofhisowncountry。Don’tyoubetakeninbymyoleman，Paddy。
　　MATTHEW[indignantly]。Paddyyourself！HowdaryoucallmePaddy？
　　HODSON[unmoved]。Youjustkeepyourhaironandlistentome。
　　YouIrishpeoplearetoowelloff：that’swhat’sthematterwithyou。[Withsuddenpassion]Youtalkofyourrottenlittlefarmbecauseyoumadeitbychuckinafewstownesdahnahill！Well，wotpricemygrenfawther，Ishouldliketoknow，thatfittedupafussclawssshopandbuiltupafussclawssdraperybusinessinLondonbysixtyyearswork，andthenwaschuckedahtofitonisedattheendofisleasewithahtapennyforhisgoodwill。Youtalkofevictions！youthatcawn’tbemoveduntilyou’verunupeighteenmonthsrent。IonceranupfourweeksinLambethwhenIwasahtofajobinwinter。Theytookthedooroffitsingesandthewinderahtofitssashesonme，andgavemywifepnoomownia。I’mawidowernow。[Betweenhisteeth]Gawd！whenI
　　thinkofthethingsweEnglishmenavtoputupwith，andhearyouIrishhahlinabahtyoursillylittlegrievances，andseethewayyoumakesitworseforusbytherottenwagesyou’llcomeoverandtakeandtherottenplacesyou’llsleepin，IjastfeelthatIcouldtaketheoulbloominBritishawlandandmakeyouapresentofit，jasttoletyoufindoutwotrealardship’slike。
　　MATTHEW[startingup，moreinscandalizedincredulitythaninanger]。D’yehavethefacetosetupEnglandagenIrelandforinjusticesanwrongsandisthressansufferin？
　　HODSON[withintensedisgustandcontempt，butwithCockneycoolness]。Ow，chuckit，Paddy。Cheeseit。Youdannowotardshipisoverere：allyouknowisahtoahlabahtit。Youtakethebiscuitatthat，youdo。I’maOwmRuler，Iam。Doyouknowwhy？
　　MATTHEW[equallycontemptuous]。D’yeknow，yourself？
　　HODSON。YesIdo。It’sbecauseIwantalittleattentionpaidtomyowncountry;andthet’llneverbeaslongasyourchapsareollerinatWesministerasifnowbodymetteredbutyourownbloominselves。SendembacktohellorC’naught，asgoodoulEnglishCromwellsaid。I’mjastsickofIreland。Letitgow。Cutthecable。MakeitapresenttoGermanytokeeptheoulKyzerbusyforawhile;andgivepoorowldEnglandachawnce：thetswotIsay。
　　MATTHEW[fullofscornforamansoignorantastobeunabletopronouncethewordConnaught，whichpracticallyrhymeswithbonnetinIreland，thoughinHodson’sdialectitrhymeswithuntaught]。Takecarewedon’tcutthecableourselvessomeday，badscrantoyou！Antellmedhis：haveyannyCoercionAcsinEngland？Haveyannyremovables？HaveyouDublinCastletosuppresseverynewspaperdhattakesthepartoyourowncounthry？
　　HODSON。Wecanbeyaveahrselveswithahtsichthings。
　　MATTHEW。Bedadyou’reright。It’donlybewasteotimetomuzzleasheep。Here！where’smepig？Godforgimmefortalkintoapoorignorantcraycherlikeyou。
　　HODSON[grinningwithgood-humoredmalice，tooconvincedofhisownsuperioritytofeelhiswitherswrung]。Yourpig’llaveararedoininthatcar，Paddy。Fortymilesanahrdahnthatrockylanewillstrikeitprettypink，youbet。
　　MATTHEW[scornfully]。Hwycan’tyoutellaraisonableliewhenyou’reaboutit？Whathorsecangofortymileanhour？
　　HODSON。Orse！Wy，yousillyoulrottenit’snotaorseit’samowtor。DoyousupposeTomBroadbentwouldgowoffhimselftoarnessaorse？
　　MATTHEW[inconsternation]。HolyMoses！Don’ttellmeit’stheinginehewantstotakemeon。
　　HODSON。Wotelse？
　　MATTHEW。YoursowltoMorrisKelly！whydidn’tyoutellmethatbefore？Thedivilaninginehe’llgetmeonthisday。[Hisearcatchesanapproachingteuf-teuf]Ohmurdher！it’scominaftherme：Ihearthepuffpuffofit。[Herunsawaythroughthegate，muchtoHodson’samusement。Thenoiseofthemotorceases;andHodson，anticipatingBroadbent’sreturn，throwsoffthepoliticianandrecomposeshimselfasavalet。BroadbentandLarrycomethroughtheshrubbery。Hodsonmovesasidetothegate]。
　　BROADBENT。WhereisMrHaffigan？Hashegoneforthepig？
　　HODSON。Bolted，sir！Afraidofthemotor，sir。
　　BROADBENT[muchdisappointed]。Oh，that’sverytiresome。Didheleaveanymessage？
　　HODSON。Hewasintoogreatahurry，sir。Startedtorunhome，sir，andlefthispigbehindhim。
　　BROADBENT[eagerly]。Leftthepig！Thenit’sallright。Thepig’sthething：thepigwillwinovereveryIrishhearttome。We’lltakethepighometoHaffigan’sfarminthemotor：itwillhaveatremendouseffect。Hodson！
　　HODSON。Yessir？
　　BROADBENT。Doyouthinkyoucouldcollectacrowdtoseethemotor？
　　HODSON。Well，I’lltry，sir。
　　BROADBENT。Thankyou，Hodson：do。
　　Hodsongoesoutthroughthegate。
　　LARRY[desperately]。Oncemore，Tom，willyoulistentome？
　　BROADBENT。Rubbish！Itellyouitwillbeallright。
　　LARRY。Onlythismorningyouconfessedhowsurprisedyouweretofindthatthepeoplehereshowednosenseofhumor。
　　BROADBENT[suddenlyverysolemn]。Yes：theirsenseofhumorisinabeyance：Inoticeditthemomentwelanded。Thinkofthatinacountrywhereeverymanisabornhumorist！Thinkofwhatitmeans！[Impressively]Larryweareinthepresenceofagreatnationalgrief。
　　LARRY。What’stogrievethem？
　　BROADBENT。Idivinedit，Larry：Isawitintheirfaces。IrelandhasneversmiledsinceherhopeswereburiedinthegraveofGladstone。
　　LARRY。Oh，what’stheuseoftalkingtosuchaman？Nowlookhere，Tom。Beseriousforamomentifyoucan。
　　BROADBENT[stupent]Serious！I！！！
　　LARRY。Yes，you。YousaytheIrishsenseofhumorisinabeyance。
　　Well，ifyoudrivethroughRossculleninamotorcarwithHaffigan’spig，itwon’tstayinabeyance。NowIwarnyou。
　　BROADBENT[breezily]。Why，somuchthebetter！Ishallenjoythejokemyselfmorethananyofthem。[Shouting]Hallo，PatsyFarrell，whereareyou？
　　PATSY[appearingintheshrubbery]。HereIam，yourhonor。
　　BROADBENT。Goandcatchthepigandputitintothecar——we’regoingtotakeittoMrHaffigan’s。[HegivesLarryaslapontheshouldersthatsendshimstaggeringoffthroughthegate，andfollowshimbuoyantly，exclaiming]Comeon，youoldcroaker！I’llshowyouhowtowinanIrishseat。
　　PATSY[meditatively]。Bedad，ifdhatpiggetsahowltothehandleothemachine——[Heshakeshisheadominouslyanddriftsawaytothepigsty]。
　　ACTIV
　　TheparlorinCorneliusDoyle’shouse。Itcommunicateswiththegardenbyahalfglazeddoor。Thefireplaceisattheothersideoftheroom，oppositethedoorandwindows，thearchitectnothavingbeensensitivetodraughts。Thetable，rescuedfromthegarden，isinthemiddle;andatitsitsKeegan，thecentralfigureinarathercrowdedapartment。
　　Nora，sittingwithherbacktothefireattheendofthetable，isplayingbackgammonacrossitscornerwithhim，onhislefthand。AuntJudy，alittlefurtherback，sitsfacingthefireknitting，withherfeetonthefender。AlittletoKeegan’sright，infrontofthetable，andalmostsittingonit，isBarneyDoran。Halfadozenfriendsofhis，allmen，arebetweenhimandtheopendoor，supportedbyothersoutside。Inthecornerbehindthemisthesofa，ofmahoganyandhorsehair，madeupasabedforBroadbent。AgainstthewallbehindKeeganstandsamahoganysideboard。Adoorleadingtotheinteriorofthehouseisnearthefireplace，behindAuntJudy。Therearechairsagainstthewall，oneateachendofthesideboard。Keegan’shatisontheonenearesttheinnerdoor;andhisstickisleaningagainstit。
　　Athirdchair，alsoagainstthewall，isnearthegardendoor。
　　Thereisastrongcontrastofemotionalatmospherebetweenthetwosidesoftheroom。Keeganisextraordinarilystern：nogameofbackgammoncouldpossiblymakeaman’sfacesogrim。AuntJudyisquietlybusy。NoraittryingtoignoreDoranandattendtohergame。
　　OntheotherhandDoranisreelinginanecstasyofmischievousmirthwhichhasinfectedallhisfriends。Theyarescreamingwithlaughter，doubledup，leaningonthefurnitureandagainstthewalls，shouting，screeching，crying。
　　AUNTJUDY[asthenoiselullsforamoment]。Arraholdyournoise，Barney。Whatistheretolaughat？
　　DORAN。Itgotitsfutintothelittlehweel——[heisovercomeafresh;andtherestcollapseagain]。
　　AUNTJUDY。Ah，havesomesense：you’relikeaparcelochildher。
　　Nora，hithimathumpontheback：he’llhaveafit。
　　DORAN[withsqueezedeyes，exsuflicatewithcachinnation]Frens，heseztodhemoutsideDoolan’s：I’mtakinthegintlemanthatpaystherintforadhrive。
　　AUNTJUDY。Whodidhemeanbethat？
　　DORAN。TheycallapigthatinEngland。That’stheirnotionofajoke。
　　AUNTJUDY。MushaGodhelpthemiftheycanjokenobetterthanthat！
　　DORAN[withrenewedsymptoms]。Thin——
　　AUNTJUDY。Ahnowdon’tbetellinitalloverandsettinyourselfoffagain，Barney。
　　NORA。You’vetoldusthreetimes，MrDoran。
　　DORAN。WellbutwhinIthinkofit——！
　　AUNTJUDY。Thendon’tthinkofit，alanna。
　　DORAN。TherewasPatsyFarrllinthebacksatewidhepigbetweenhisknees，nmebouldEnglishboyohinfrontatthemachinery，nLarryDoyleintheroadstartintheinjinewidabedwinch。AtthefirstpuffofitthepiglepoutofitsskinandbledPatsy’snosewidheringinitssnout。[Roarsoflaughter：Keeganglaresatthem]。BeforeBroadbintknewhwerehewas，thepigwasuphisbackandoverintohislap;andbedadthepoorbastedidcredittoCorny’sthraininofit;foritputinthefourthspeedwiditsrightcrubeenasifitwasentheredfortheGordnBennett。
　　NORA[reproachfully]。AndLarryinfrontofitandall！It’snothntolaughat，MrDoran。
　　DORAN。Bedad，MissReilly，Larryclearedsixyardsbackwardsatwanjumpifheclearedaninch;andhe’daclearedsevenifDoolan’sgranmotherhadn’tcotchhiminherapernwidhoutintindinto。[Immensemerriment]。
　　AUNTJUDY，Ah，forshame，Barney！thepooroldwoman！Anshewashurtbefore，too，whensheslippedonthestairs。
　　DORAN。Bedad，ma’am，she’shurtbehindnow;forLarrybouledheroverlikeaskittle。[GeneraldelightatthistypicalstrokeofIrishRabelaisianism]。
　　NORA。It’swelltheladwasn’tkilled。
　　DORAN。Faithitwasn’toLarrywewerethinkinjusdhen，widhepigtakinthemainsthreetoRosscullenonmarketdayatamileaminnit。DhonythingBroadbintcouldgetatwidhepiginfrontofhimwasafutbrake;nthepig’stailwasundherdhat;sothatwhinhethoughthewasputnnonthebrakehewasonysqueezinthelifeoutothepig’stail。Themoreheputthebrakeonthemorethepigsquealednthefastherhedhruv。
　　AUNTJUDY。Whycouldn’thethrowthepigoutintotheroad？
　　DORAN。Surehecouldn’tstanduptoit，becausehewasspanchelled-likebetweenhisseatanddhatthinglikeawheelontopofastickbetweenhisknees。
　　AUNTJUDY。Lordhavemercyonus！
　　NORA。Idon’tknowhowyoucanlaugh。Doyou，MrKeegan？
　　KEEGAN[grimly]。Whynot？Thereisdanger，destruction，torment！
　　Whatmoredowewanttomakeusmerry？Goon，Barney：thelastdropsofjoyarenotsqueezedfromthestoryyet。Tellusagainhowourbrotherwastornasunder。
　　DORAN[puzzled]。Whosebruddher？
　　KEEGAN。Mine。
　　NORA。Hemeansthepig，MrDoran。Youknowhisway。
　　DORAN[risinggallantlytotheoccasion]。BedadI’msorryforyourpoorbruddher，MistherKeegan;butIrecommendyoutothryhimwidacoupleofriedeggsforyourbreakfasttomorrow。ItwasacaseofExcelsiorwidhatambitiousbaste;fornotcontentwidjumpinfromthebackseatintothefrontwan，hejumpedfromthefrontwanintotheroadinfrontofthecar。And——
　　KEEGAN。Andeverybodylaughed！
　　NORA。Don’tgooverthatagain，please，MrDoran。
　　DORAN。Faithbethetimethecarwentoverthepoorpigdherewaslittleleftformeoranywanelsetogooverexceptwidaknifeanfork。
　　AUNTJUDY。Whydidn’tMrBroadbentstopthecarwhenthepigwasgone？
　　DORAN。Stopthecar！Hemightaswellhathriedtostopamadbull。FirstitwentwanwayanmadefireworksoMollyRyan’scrockerystall;andhenitslewedroundanrippedtenfutowalloutothecornerothepound。[Withenormousenjoyment]Begob，itjusttorethetownintwoandsentthewholedammarkettoblazes。[Noraoffended，rises]。
　　KEEGAN[indignantly]。Sir！
　　DORAN[quickly]。Savinyourpresence，MissReilly，andMistherKeegan’s。Dhere！Iwon’tsayanuddherword。
　　NORA。I’msurprisedatyou，MrDoran。[Shesitsdownagain]。
　　DORAN[refectively]。Hehasthedivil’sownluck，thatEnglishman，annyway;forwhentheypickedhimuphehadn’tascratchonhim，barrnhwatthepigdidtohiscloes。Patsyhadtwofingersoutojynt;butthesmithpulledthemsthraightforhim。Oh，youneverheardsuchahullaballooastherewas。TherewasMolly，cryinMechaney，mebeautyfulchaney！noulMatshoutinMepig，mepig！nthepolustakinthenumberothecar，nnotamaninthetownabletospeakforlaughin——
　　KEEGAN[withintenseemphasis]。Itishell：itishell。Nowhereelsecouldsuchascenebeaburstofhappinessforthepeople。
　　Corneliuscomesinhastilyfromthegarden，pushinghiswaythroughthelittlecrowd。
　　CORNELIUS。Whishtyourlaughin，boys！Hereheis。[Heputshishatonthesideboard，andgoestothefireplace，wherehepostshimselfwithhisbacktothechimneypiece]。
　　AUNTJUDY。Rememberyourbehavior，now。
　　Everybodybecomessilent，solemn，concerned，sympathetic。
　　Broadbententers，roiledanddisorderedastohismotoringcoat：
　　immenselyimportantandseriousastohimself。Hemakeshiswaytotheendofthetablenearestthegardendoor，whilstLarry，whoaccompanieshim，throwshismotoringcoatonthesofabed，andsitsdown，watchingtheproceedings。
　　BROADBENT[takingoffhisleathercapwithdignityandplacingitonthetable]。Ihopeyouhavenotbeenanxiousaboutme。
　　AUNTJUDY。Deednwehave，MrBroadbent。It’samercyyouweren’tkilled。
　　DORAN。Kilt！It’samercydherestwobonesofyoulefthouldintogether。Howdijjescapeatallatall？Well，IneverthoughtI’dbesogladtoseeyousafeandsoundagain。Notamaninthetownwouldsayless[murmursofkindlyassent]。Won’tyoucomedowntoDoolan’sandhaveadhropobrandytotaketheshockoff？
　　BROADBENT。You’reallreallytookind;buttheshockhasquitepassedoff。
　　DORAN[jovially]。Nevermind。Comealongallthesameandtellusaboutitoverafrenlyglass。
　　BROADBENT。MayIsayhowdeeplyIfeelthekindnesswithwhichI
　　havebeenoverwhelmedsincemyaccident？IcantruthfullydeclarethatIamgladithappened，becauseithasbroughtoutthekindnessandsympathyoftheIrishcharactertoanextentIhadnoconceptionof。
　　SEVERAL{Oh，sureyou’rewelcome！
　　PRESENT。{Sureit’sonlynatural。
　　{Sureyoumighthavebeenkilt。
　　Ayoungman，onthepointofbursting，hurriesout。Barneyputsanironconstraintonhisfeatures。
　　BROADBENT。AllIcansayisthatIwishIcoulddrinkthehealthofeveryoneofyou。
　　DORAN。Dhencomeandoit。
　　BROADBENT[verysolemnly]。No：Iamateetotaller。
　　AUNTJUDY[incredulously]。Arrasincewhen？
　　BROADBENT。Sincethismorning，MissDoyle。Ihavehadalesson[helooksatNorasignificantly]thatIshallnotforget。Itmaybethattotalabstinencehasalreadysavedmylife;forIwasastonishedatthesteadinessofmynerveswhendeathstaredmeinthefacetoday。SoIwillaskyoutoexcuseme。[Hecollectshimselfforaspeech]。Gentlemen：Ihopethegravityoftheperilthroughwhichwehaveallpassed——forIknowthatthedangertothebystanderswasasgreatastotheoccupantsofthecar——willproveanearnestofcloserandmoreseriousrelationsbetweenusinthefuture。Wehavehadasomewhatagitatingday：avaluableandinnocentanimalhaslostitslife：apublicbuildinghasbeenwrecked：anagedandinfirmladyhassufferedanimpactforwhichIfeelpersonallyresponsible，thoughmyoldfriendMrLaurenceDoyleunfortunatelyincurredthefirsteffectsofherverynaturalresentment。IgreatlyregretthedamagetoMrPatrickFarrell’sfingers;andIhaveofcoursetakencarethatheshallnotsufferpecuniarilybyhismishap。[Murmursofadmirationathismagnanimity，andAVoice"You’reagentleman，sir"]。IamgladtosaythatPatsytookitlikeanIrishman，and，farfromexpressinganyvindictivefeeling，declaredhiswillingnesstobreakallhisfingersandtoesformeonthesameterms[subduedapplause，and"MorepowertoPatsy！"]。Gentlemen：IfeltathomeinIrelandfromthefirst[risingexcitementamonghishearers]。
　　IneveryIrishbreastIhavefoundthatspiritofliberty[A
　　cheeryvoice"HearHear"]，thatinstinctivemistrustoftheGovernment[Asmallpiousvoice，withintenseexpression，"Godblessyou，sir！"]，thatloveofindependence[Adefiantvoice，"That’sit！Independence！"]，thatindignantsympathywiththecauseofoppressednationalitiesabroad[Athreateninggrowlfromall：theground-swellofpatrioticpassion]，andwiththeresoluteassertionofpersonalrightsathome，whichisallbutextinctinmyowncountry。IfitwerelegallypossibleIshouldbecomeanaturalizedIrishman;andifeveritbemygoodfortunetorepresentanIrishconstituencyinparliament，itshallbemyfirstcaretointroduceaBilllegalizingsuchanoperation。I
　　believealargesectionoftheLiberalpartywouldavailthemselvesofit。[Momentaryscepticism]。Ido。[Convulsivecheering]。Gentlemen：Ihavesaidenough。[Criesof"Goon"]。No：
　　Ihaveasyetnorighttoaddressyouatallonpoliticalsubjects;andwemustnotabusethewarmheartedIrishhospitalityofMissDoylebyturninghersittingroomintoapublicmeeting。
　　DORAN[energetically]。ThreecheersforTomBroadbent，thefuturememberforRosscullen！
　　AUNTJUDY[wavingahalfknittedsock]。Hiphiphurray！
　　Thecheersaregivenwithgreatheartiness，asitisbythistime，forthemorehumorousspiritspresent，aquestionofvociferationorinternalrupture。
　　BROADBENT。Thankyoufromthebottomofmyheart，friends。
　　NORA[whisperingtoDoran]。Takethemaway，MrDoran[Dorannods]。
　　DORAN。Well，goodevenin，MrBroadbent;anmayyouneverregretthedayyouwintdhrivinwidHalligan’spig！[Theyshakehands]。
　　Goodevenin，MissDoyle。
　　Generalhandshaking，Broadbentshakinghandswitheverybodyeffusively。HeaccompaniesthemtothegardenandcanbeheardoutsidesayingGoodnightineveryinflexionknowntoparliamentarycandidates。Nora，AuntJudy，Keegan，Larry，andCorneliusareleftintheparlor。Larrygoestothethresholdandwatchesthesceneinthegarden。
　　NORA。It’sashametomakegameofhimlikethat。He’sagradlemoregoodinhimthanBarneyDoran。
　　CORNELIUS。It’sallupwithhiscandidature。He’llbelaughedoutothetown。
　　LARRY[turningquicklyfromthedoorway]。Ohnohewon’t：he’snotanIrishman。He’llneverknowthey’relaughingathim;andwhilethey’relaughinghe’llwintheseat。
　　CORNELIUS。Buthecan’tpreventthestorygettingabout。
　　LARRY。Hewon’twantto。He’lltellithimselfasoneofthemostprovidentialepisodesinthehistoryofEnglandandIreland。
　　AUNTJUDY。Surehewouldn’tmakeafoolofhimselflikethat。
　　LARRY。Areyousurehe’ssuchafoolafterall，AuntJudy？
　　Supposeyouhadavote！whichwouldyourathergiveitto？themanthattoldthestoryofHaffigan’spigBarneyDoran’swayorBroadbent’sway？
　　AUNTJUDY。FaithIwouldn’tgiveittoamanatall。It’safewwomentheywantinparliamenttostoptheirfoolishblather。
　　BROADBENT[bustlingintotheroom，andtakingoffhisdamagedmotoringovercoat，whichheputdownonthesofa]。Well，that’sover。Imustapologizeformakingthatspeech，MissDoyle;buttheylikeit，youknow。Everythinghelpsinelectioneering。
　　Larrytakesthechairnearthedoor;drawsitnearthetable;andsitsastrideit，withhiselbowsfoldedontheback。
　　AUNTJUDY。I’dnonotionyouweresuchanorator，MrBroadbent。
　　BROADBENT。Oh，it’sonlyaknack。Onepicksitupontheplatform。Itstokesuptheirenthusiasm。
　　AUNTJUDY。Oh，Iforgot。You’venotmetMrKeegan。Letmeintrojooceyou。
　　BROADBENT[shakinghandseffusively]。Mosthappytomeetyou，MrKeegan。Ihaveheardofyou，thoughIhavenothadthepleasureofshakingyourhandbefore。AndnowmayIaskyou——forIvaluenoman’sopinionmore——whatyouthinkofmychanceshere。
　　KEEGAN[coldly]。Yourchances，sir，areexcellent。Youwillgetintoparliament。
　　BROADBENT[delighted]。Ihopeso。Ithinkso。[Fluctuating]Youreallythinkso？Youaresureyouarenotallowingyourenthusiasmforourprinciplestogetthebetterofyourjudgment？
　　KEEGAN。Ihavenoenthusiasmforyourprinciples，sir。Youwillgetintoparliamentbecauseyouwanttogetintoitbadlyenoughtobepreparedtotakethenecessarystepstoinducethepeopletovoteforyou。Thatishowpeopleusuallygetintothatfantasticassembly。
　　BROADBENT[puzzled]。Ofcourse。[Pause]。Quiteso。[Pause]。Er——
　　yes。[Buoyantagain]Ithinktheywillvoteforme。Eh？Yes？
　　AUNTJUDY。Arrawhyshouldn’tthey？LookatthepeopletheyDO
　　votefor！
　　BROADBENT[encouraged]。That’strue：that’sverytrue。WhenIseethewindbags，thecarpet-baggers，thecharlatans，the——the——thefoolsandignoramuseswhocorruptthemultitudebytheirwealth，orseducethembyspoutingbalderdashtothem，Icannothelpthinkingthatanhonestmanwithnohumbugabouthim，whowilltalkstraightcommonsenseandtakehisstandonthesolidgroundofprincipleandpublicduty，mustwinhiswaywithmenofallclasses。
　　KEEGAN[quietly]。Sir：therewasatime，inmyignorantyouth，whenIshouldhavecalledyouahypocrite。
　　BROADBENT[reddening]。Ahypocrite！
　　NORA[hastily]。OhI’msureyoudon’tthinkanythingofthesort，MrKeegan。
　　BROADBENT[emphatically]。Thankyou，MissReilly：thankyou。
　　CORNELIUS[gloomily]。Weallhavetostretchitabitinpolitics：hwat’stheuseopretendinwedon’t？
　　BROADBENT[stiffly]。IhopeIhavesaidordonenothingthatcallsforanysuchobservation，MrDoyle。IfthereisaviceI
　　detest——oragainstwhichmywholepubliclifehasbeenaprotest——itistheviceofhypocrisy。Iwouldalmostratherbeinconsistentthaninsincere。