Audireestoperaepretium，prcedererecteQuimaechisnonvultis。——HOR。Sat。i。2，37。
　　—Metuatdotideprensa。——Ibid。
　　TOTHERIGHTHONOURABLERALPH，EARLOFMOUNTAGUE，ETC。
　　MyLord，——Whethertheworldwillarraignmeofvanityornot，thatI
　　havepresumedtodedicatethiscomedytoyourlordship，Iamyetindoubt；though，itmaybe，itissomedegreeofvanityeventodoubtofit。Onewhohasatanytimehadthehonourofyourlordship’sconversation，cannotbesupposedtothinkverymeanlyofthatwhichhewouldprefertoyourperusal。Yetitweretoincurtheimputationoftoomuchsufficiencytopretendtosuchameritasmightabidethetestofyourlordship’scensure。
　　Whatevervaluemaybewantingtothisplaywhileyetitismine，willbesufficientlymadeuptoitwhenitisoncebecomeyourlordship’s；anditismysecurity，thatIcannothaveoverrateditmorebymydedicationthanyourlordshipwilldignifyitbyyourpatronage。
　　Thatitsucceededonthestagewasalmostbeyondmyexpectation；forbutlittleofitwaspreparedforthatgeneraltastewhichseemsnowtobepredominantinthepalatesofouraudience。
　　Thosecharacterswhicharemeanttoberidiculedinmostofourcomediesareoffoolssogross，thatinmyhumbleopiniontheyshouldratherdisturbthandivertthewell—naturedandreflectingpartofanaudience；theyareratherobjectsofcharitythancontempt，andinsteadofmovingourmirth，theyoughtveryoftentoexciteourcompassion。
　　Thisreflectionmovedmetodesignsomecharacterswhichshouldappearridiculousnotsomuchthroughanaturalfolly（whichisincorrigible，andthereforenotproperforthestage）asthroughanaffectedwit：awitwhich，atthesametimethatitisaffected，isalsofalse。Asthereissomedifficultyintheformationofacharacterofthisnature，sothereissomehazardwhichattendstheprogressofitssuccessuponthestage：formanycometoaplaysooverchargedwithcriticism，thattheyveryoftenletflytheircensure，whenthroughtheirrashnesstheyhavemistakentheiraim。
　　ThisIhadoccasionlatelytoobserve：forthisplayhadbeenactedtwoorthreedaysbeforesomeofthesehastyjudgescouldfindtheleisuretodistinguishbetwixtthecharacterofaWitwoudandaTruewit。
　　Imustbegyourlordship’spardonforthisdigressionfromthetruecourseofthisepistle；butthatitmaynotseemaltogetherimpertinent，IbegthatImaypleadtheoccasionofit，inpartofthatexcuseofwhichIstandinneed，forrecommendingthiscomedytoyourprotection。Itisonlybythecountenanceofyourlordship，andtheFEWsoqualified，thatsuchwhowritewithcareandpainscanhopetobedistinguished：fortheprostitutednameofpoetpromiscuouslylevelsallthatbearit。
　　Terence，themostcorrectwriterintheworld，hadaScipioandaLelius，ifnottoassisthim，atleasttosupporthiminhisreputation。Andnotwithstandinghisextraordinarymerit，itmaybetheircountenancewasnotmorethannecessary。
　　Thepurityofhisstyle，thedelicacyofhisturns，andthejustnessofhischaracters，wereallofthembeautieswhichthegreaterpartofhisaudiencewereincapableoftasting。SomeofthecoarseststrokesofPlautus，soseverelycensuredbyHorace，weremorelikelytoaffectthemultitude；such，whocomewithexpectationtolaughatthelastactofaplay，andarebetterentertainedwithtwoorthreeunseasonablejeststhanwiththeartfulsolutionofthefable。
　　AsTerenceexcelledinhisperformances，sohadhegreatadvantagestoencouragehisundertakings，forhebuiltmostonthefoundationsofMenander：hisplotsweregenerallymodelled，andhischaractersreadydrawntohishand。HecopiedMenander；andMenanderhadnolesslightintheformationofhischaractersfromtheobservationsofTheophrastus，ofwhomhewasadisciple；andTheophrastus，itisknown，wasnotonlythedisciple，buttheimmediatesuccessorofAristotle，thefirstandgreatestjudgeofpoetry。Theseweregreatmodelstodesignby；andthefurtheradvantagewhichTerencepossessedtowardsgivinghisplaysthedueornamentsofpurityofstyle，andjustnessofmanners，wasnotlessconsiderablefromthefreedomofconversationwhichwaspermittedhimwithLeliusandScipio，twoofthegreatestandmostpolitemenofhisage。And，indeed，theprivilegeofsuchaconversationistheonlycertainmeansofattainingtotheperfectionofdialogue。
　　IfithashappenedinanypartofthiscomedythatIhavegainedaturnofstyleorexpressionmorecorrect，oratleastmorecorrigible，thaninthosewhichIhaveformerlywritten，Imust，withequalprideandgratitude，ascribeittothehonourofyourlordship’sadmittingmeintoyourconversation，andthatofasocietywhereeverybodyelsewassowellworthyofyou，inyourretirementlastsummerfromthetown：foritwasimmediatelyafter，thatthiscomedywaswritten。IfIhavefailedinmyperformance，itisonlytoberegretted，wherethereweresomanynotinferioreithertoaScipiooraLelius，thatthereshouldbeonewantingequalincapacitytoaTerence。
　　IfIamnotmistaken，poetryisalmosttheonlyartwhichhasnotyetlaidclaimtoyourlordship’spatronage。Architectureandpainting，tothegreathonourofourcountry，haveflourishedunderyourinfluenceandprotection。Inthemeantime，poetry，theeldestsisterofallarts，andparentofmost，seemstohaveresignedherbirthright，byhavingneglectedtopayherdutytoyourlordship，andbypermittingothersofalaterextractiontoprepossessthatplaceinyouresteem，towhichnonecanpretendabettertitle。
　　Poetry，initsnature，issacredtothegoodandgreat：therelationbetweenthemisreciprocal，andtheyareeverpropitioustoit。Itistheprivilegeofpoetrytoaddressthem，anditistheirprerogativealonetogiveitprotection。
　　Thisreceivedmaximisageneralapologyforallwriterswhoconsecratetheirlabourstogreatmen：butIcouldwish，atthistime，thatthisaddresswereexemptedfromthecommonpretenceofalldedications；andthatasIcandistinguishyourlordshipevenamongthemostdeserving，sothisofferingmightbecomeremarkablebysomeparticularinstanceofrespect，whichshouldassureyourlordshipthatIam，withallduesenseofyourextremeworthinessandhumanity，mylord，yourlordship’smostobedientandmostobligedhumbleservant，WILL。CONGREVE。
　　PROLOGUE——SpokenbyMr。Betterton。
　　Ofthosefewfools，whowithillstarsarecurst，Surescribblingfools，calledpoets，faretheworst：
　　Forthey’reasortoffoolswhichfortunemakes，And，aftershehasmade’emfools，forsakes。
　　WithNature’soafs’tisquiteadiff’rentcase，ForFortunefavoursallheridiotrace。
　　Inherownnestthecuckooeggswefind，O’erwhichshebroodstohatchthechangelingkind：
　　Noportionforherownshehastospare，Somuchshedotesonheradoptedcare。
　　Poetsarebubbles，bythetowndrawnin，Sufferedatfirstsometriflingstakestowin：
　　Butwhatunequalhazardsdotheyrun!
　　Eachtimetheywritetheyventureallthey’vewon：
　　TheSquirethat’sbutteredstill，issuretobeundone。
　　Thisauthor，heretofore，hasfoundyourfavour，Butpleadsnomeritfromhispastbehaviour。
　　Tobuildonthatmightproveavainpresumption，Shouldgrantstopoetsmadeadmitresumption，AndinParnassushemustlosehisseat，Ifthatbefoundaforfeitedestate。
　　Heowns，withtoilhewroughtthefollowingscenes，Butifthey’renaughtne’ersparehimforhispains：
　　Damnhimthemore；havenocommiserationFordulnessonmaturedeliberation。
　　Heswearshe’llnotresentonehissed—offscene，Nor，likethosepeevishwits，hisplaymaintain，Who，toasserttheirsense，yourtastearraign。
　　Someplotwethinkhehas，andsomenewthought；
　　Somehumourtoo，nofarce——butthat’safault。
　　Satire，hethinks，yououghtnottoexpect；
　　Forsoreformedatownwhodarescorrect？
　　Toplease，thistime，hasbeenhissolepretence，He’llnotinstruct，lestitshouldgiveoffence。
　　Shouldhebychanceaknaveorfoolexpose，Thathurtsnonehere，sureherearenoneofthose。
　　Inshort，ourplayshall（withyourleavetoshowit）
　　Giveyouoneinstanceofapassivepoet，Whotoyourjudgmentsyieldsallresignation：
　　Sosaveordamn，afteryourowndiscretion。
　　DRAMATISPERSONAE。
　　MEN。
　　FAINALL，inlovewithMrs。Marwood，——Mr。BettertonMIRABELL，inlovewithMrs。Millamant，——Mr。VerbruggenWITWOUD，followerofMrs。Millamant，——Mr。BowenPETULANT，followerofMrs。Millamant，——Mr。BowmanSIRWILFULLWITWOUD，halfbrothertoWitwoud，andnephewtoLadyWishfort，——Mr。UnderhillWAITWELL，servanttoMirabell，——Mr。BrightWOMEN。
　　LADYWISHFORT，enemytoMirabell，forhavingfalselypretendedlovetoher，——Mrs。LeighMRS。MILLAMANT，afinelady，niecetoLadyWishfort，andlovesMirabell，——Mrs。BracegirdleMRS。MARWOOD，friendtoMr。Fainall，andlikesMirabell，——Mrs。BarryMRS。FAINALL，daughtertoLadyWishfort，andwifetoFainall，formerlyfriendtoMirabell，——Mrs。BowmanFOIBLE，womantoLadyWishfort，——Mrs。WillisMINCING，womantoMrs。Millamant，——Mrs。PrinceDANCERS，FOOTMEN，ATTENDANTS。
　　SCENE：London。
　　Thetimeequaltothatofthepresentation。
　　ACTI。——SCENEI。
　　AChocolate—house。
　　MIRABELLandFAINALLrisingfromcards。BETTYwaiting。
　　MIRA。Youareafortunateman，Mr。Fainall。
　　FAIN。Havewedone？
　　MIRA。Whatyouplease。I’llplayontoentertainyou。
　　FAIN。No，I’llgiveyouyourrevengeanothertime，whenyouarenotsoindifferent；youarethinkingofsomethingelsenow，andplaytoonegligently：thecoldnessofalosinggamesterlessensthepleasureofthewinner。I’dnomoreplaywithamanthatslightedhisillfortunethanI’dmakelovetoawomanwhoundervaluedthelossofherreputation。
　　MIRA。Youhaveatasteextremelydelicate，andareforrefiningonyourpleasures。
　　FAIN。Prithee，whysoreserved？Somethinghasputyououtofhumour。
　　MIRA。Notatall：Ihappentobegraveto—day，andyouaregay；
　　that’sall。
　　FAIN。Confess，Millamantandyouquarrelledlastnight，afterI
　　leftyou；myfaircousinhassomehumoursthatwouldtemptthepatienceofaStoic。What，somecoxcombcamein，andwaswellreceivedbyher，whileyouwereby？
　　MIRA。WitwoudandPetulant，andwhatwasworse，heraunt，yourwife’smother，myevilgenius——ortosumupallinherownname，myoldLadyWishfortcamein。
　　FAIN。Oh，thereitisthen：shehasalastingpassionforyou，andwithreason。——What，thenmywifewasthere？
　　MIRA。Yes，andMrs。Marwoodandthreeorfourmore，whomIneversawbefore；seeingme，theyallputontheirgravefaces，whisperedoneanother，thencomplainedaloudofthevapours，andafterfellintoaprofoundsilence。
　　FAIN。Theyhadamindtoberidofyou。
　　MIRA。ForwhichreasonIresolvednottostir。Atlastthegoodoldladybrokethroughherpainfultaciturnitywithaninvectiveagainstlongvisits。Iwouldnothaveunderstoodher，butMillamantjoiningintheargument，Iroseandwithaconstrainedsmiletoldher，Ithoughtnothingwassoeasyastoknowwhenavisitbegantobetroublesome；shereddenedandIwithdrew，withoutexpectingherreply。
　　FAIN。Youweretoblametoresentwhatshespokeonlyincompliancewithheraunt。
　　MIRA。Sheismoremistressofherselfthantobeunderthenecessityofsucharesignation。
　　FAIN。What？thoughhalfherfortunedependsuponhermarryingwithmylady’sapprobation？
　　MIRA。Iwastheninsuchahumour，thatIshouldhavebeenbetterpleasedifshehadbeenlessdiscreet。
　　FAIN。NowIremember，Iwondernottheywerewearyofyou；lastnightwasoneoftheircabal—nights：theyhave’emthreetimesaweekandmeetbyturnsatoneanother’sapartments，wheretheycometogetherlikethecoroner’sinquest，tosituponthemurderedreputationsoftheweek。YouandIareexcluded，anditwasonceproposedthatallthemalesexshouldbeexcepted；butsomebodymovedthattoavoidscandaltheremightbeonemanofthecommunity，uponwhichmotionWitwoudandPetulantwereenrolledmembers。
　　MIRA。Andwhomayhavebeenthefoundressofthissect？MyLadyWishfort，Iwarrant，whopublishesherdetestationofmankind，andfullofthevigouroffifty—five，declaresforafriendandratafia；
　　andletposterityshiftforitself，she’llbreednomore。
　　FAIN。Thediscoveryofyourshamaddressestoher，toconcealyourlovetoherniece，hasprovokedthisseparation。Hadyoudissembledbetter，thingsmighthavecontinuedinthestateofnature。
　　MIRA。Ididasmuchasmancould，withanyreasonableconscience；I
　　proceededtotheverylastactofflatterywithher，andwasguiltyofasonginhercommendation。Nay，Igotafriendtoputherintoalampoon，andcomplimentherwiththeimputationofanaffairwithayoungfellow，whichIcarriedsofar，thatItoldherthemalicioustowntooknoticethatshewasgrownfatofasudden；andwhenshelayinofadropsy，persuadedhershewasreportedtobeinlabour。Thedevil’sin’t，ifanoldwomanistobeflatteredfurther，unlessamanshouldendeavourdownrightpersonallytodebauchher：andthatmyvirtueforbademe。Butforthediscoveryofthisamour，Iamindebtedtoyourfriend，oryourwife’sfriend，Mrs。Marwood。
　　FAIN。Whatshouldprovokehertobeyourenemy，unlessshehasmadeyouadvanceswhichyouhaveslighted？Womendonoteasilyforgiveomissionsofthatnature。
　　MIRA。Shewasalwaysciviltome，tilloflate。IconfessIamnotoneofthosecoxcombswhoareapttointerpretawoman’sgoodmannerstoherprejudice，andthinkthatshewhodoesnotrefuse’emeverythingcanrefuse’emnothing。
　　FAIN。Youareagallantman，Mirabell；andthoughyoumayhavecrueltyenoughnottosatisfyalady’slonging，youhavetoomuchgenerositynottobetenderofherhonour。Yetyouspeakwithanindifferencewhichseemstobeaffected，andconfessesyouareconsciousofanegligence。
　　MIRA。Youpursuetheargumentwithadistrustthatseemstobeunaffected，andconfessesyouareconsciousofaconcernforwhichtheladyismoreindebtedtoyouthanisyourwife。
　　FAIN。Fie，fie，friend，ifyougrowcensoriousImustleaveyou：—
　　I’lllookuponthegamestersinthenextroom。
　　MIRA。Whoarethey？
　　FAIN。PetulantandWitwoud。——Bringmesomechocolate。
　　MIRA。Betty，whatsaysyourclock？
　　BET。Turnedofthelastcanonicalhour，sir。
　　MIRA。Howpertinentlythejadeanswersme!Ha!almostonea’
　　clock![Lookingonhiswatch。]Oh，y’arecome!
　　SCENEII。
　　MIRABELLandFOOTMAN。
　　MIRA。Well，isthegrandaffairover？Youhavebeensomethingtedious。
　　SERV。Sir，there’ssuchcouplingatPancrasthattheystandbehindoneanother，as’twereinacountry—dance。Ourswasthelastcoupletoleadup；andnohopesappearingofdispatch，besides，theparsongrowinghoarse，wewereafraidhislungswouldhavefailedbeforeitcametoourturn；sowedroveroundtoDuke’sPlace，andtheretheywererivetedinatrice。
　　MIRA。So，so；youaresuretheyaremarried？
　　SERV。Marriedandbedded，sir；Iamwitness。
　　MIRA。Haveyouthecertificate？
　　SERV。Hereitis，sir。
　　MIRA。HasthetailorbroughtWaitwell’sclotheshome，andthenewliveries？
　　SERV。Yes，sir。
　　MIRA。That’swell。Doyougohomeagain，d’yehear，andadjourntheconsummationtillfartherorder；bidWaitwellshakehisears，andDamePartletrustleupherfeathers，andmeetmeatonea’clockbyRosamond’spond，thatImayseeherbeforeshereturnstoherlady。And，asyoutenderyourears，besecret。
　　SCENEIII。
　　MIRABELL，FAINALL，BETTY。
　　FAIN。Joyofyoursuccess，Mirabell；youlookpleased。
　　MIRA。Ay；Ihavebeenengagedinamatterofsomesortofmirth，whichisnotyetripefordiscovery。Iamgladthisisnotacabal—
　　night。Iwonder，Fainall，thatyouwhoaremarried，andofconsequenceshouldbediscreet，willsufferyourwifetobeofsuchaparty。
　　FAIN。Faith，Iamnotjealous。Besides，mostwhoareengagedarewomenandrelations；andforthemen，theyareofakindtoocontemptibletogivescandal。
　　MIRA。Iamofanotheropinion：thegreaterthecoxcomb，alwaysthemorethescandal；forawomanwhoisnotafoolcanhavebutonereasonforassociatingwithamanwhoisone。
　　FAIN。AreyoujealousasoftenasyouseeWitwoudentertainedbyMillamant？
　　MIRA。OfherunderstandingIam，ifnotofherperson。
　　FAIN。Youdoherwrong；for，togiveherherdue，shehaswit。
　　MIRA。Shehasbeautyenoughtomakeanymanthinkso，andcomplaisanceenoughnottocontradicthimwhoshalltellherso。
　　FAIN。Forapassionatelovermethinksyouareamansomewhattoodiscerninginthefailingsofyourmistress。
　　MIRA。Andforadiscerningmansomewhattoopassionatealover，forIlikeherwithallherfaults；nay，likeherforherfaults。Herfolliesaresonatural，orsoartful，thattheybecomeher，andthoseaffectationswhichinanotherwomanwouldbeodiousservebuttomakehermoreagreeable。I’lltellthee，Fainall，sheonceusedmewiththatinsolencethatinrevengeItookhertopieces，siftedher，andseparatedherfailings：Istudied’emandgot’embyrote。
　　ThecataloguewassolargethatIwasnotwithouthopes，onedayorother，tohateherheartily。TowhichendIsousedmyselftothinkof’em，thatatlength，contrarytomydesignandexpectation，theygavemeeveryhourlessandlessdisturbance，tillinafewdaysitbecamehabitualtometoremember’emwithoutbeingdispleased。
　　Theyarenowgrownasfamiliartomeasmyownfrailties，andinallprobabilityinalittletimelongerIshalllike’emaswell。
　　FAIN。Marryher，marryher；behalfaswellacquaintedwithhercharmsasyouarewithherdefects，and，mylifeon’t，youareyourownmanagain。
　　MIRA。Sayyouso？
　　FAIN。Ay，ay；Ihaveexperience。Ihaveawife，andsoforth。
　　SCENEIV。
　　[Tothem]MESSENGER。
　　MESS。IsoneSquireWitwoudhere？
　　BET。Yes；what’syourbusiness？
　　MESS。Ihavealetterforhim，fromhisbrotherSirWilfull，whichIamchargedtodeliverintohisownhands。
　　BET。He’sinthenextroom，friend。Thatway。
　　SCENEV。
　　MIRABELL，FAINALL，BETTY。
　　MIRA。What，isthechiefofthatnoblefamilyintown，SirWilfullWitwoud？
　　FAIN。Heisexpectedto—day。Doyouknowhim？
　　MIRA。Ihaveseenhim；hepromisestobeanextraordinaryperson。
　　Ithinkyouhavethehonourtoberelatedtohim。
　　FAIN。Yes；heishalf—brothertothisWitwoudbyaformerwife，whowassistertomyLadyWishfort，mywife’smother。IfyoumarryMillamant，youmustcallcousinstoo。
　　MIRA。Ihadratherbehisrelationthanhisacquaintance。
　　FAIN。Hecomestotowninordertoequiphimselffortravel。
　　MIRA。Fortravel!WhythemanthatImeanisaboveforty。
　　FAIN。Nomatterforthat；’tisforthehonourofEnglandthatallEuropeshouldknowwehaveblockheadsofallages。
　　MIRA。Iwonderthereisnotanactofparliamenttosavethecreditofthenationandprohibittheexportationoffools。
　　FAIN。Bynomeans，’tisbetteras’tis；’tisbettertotradewithalittleloss，thantobequiteeatenupwithbeingoverstocked。
　　MIRA。Pray，arethefolliesofthisknight—errantandthoseofthesquire，hisbrother，anythingrelated？
　　FAIN。Notatall：Witwoudgrowsbytheknightlikeamedlargraftedonacrab。Onewillmeltinyourmouthandt’othersetyourteethonedge；oneisallpulpandtheotherallcore。
　　MIRA。Soonewillberottenbeforeheberipe，andtheotherwillberottenwithouteverbeingripeatall。
　　FAIN。SirWilfullisanoddmixtureofbashfulnessandobstinacy。
　　Butwhenhe’sdrunk，he’saslovingasthemonsterinTheTempest，andmuchafterthesamemanner。Togivebotherhisdue，hehassomethingofgood—nature，anddoesnotalwayswantwit。
　　MIRA。Notalways：butasoftenashismemoryfailshimandhiscommonplaceofcomparisons。Heisafoolwithagoodmemoryandsomefewscrapsofotherfolks’wit。Heisonewhoseconversationcanneverbeapproved，yetitisnowandthentobeendured。Hehasindeedonegoodquality：heisnotexceptious，forhesopassionatelyaffectsthereputationofunderstandingraillerythathewillconstrueanaffrontintoajest，andcalldownrightrudenessandilllanguagesatireandfire。
　　FAIN。Ifyouhaveamindtofinishhispicture，youhaveanopportunitytodoitatfulllength。Beholdtheoriginal。
　　SCENEVI。
　　[Tothem]WITWOUD。
　　WIT。Affordmeyourcompassion，mydears；pityme，Fainall，Mirabell，pityme。
　　MIRA。Idofrommysoul。
　　FAIN。Why，what’sthematter？
　　WIT。Nolettersforme，Betty？
　　BET。Didnotamessengerbringyouonebutnow，sir？
　　WIT。Ay；butnoother？
　　BET。No，sir。
　　WIT。That’shard，that’sveryhard。Amessenger，amule，abeastofburden，hehasbroughtmealetterfromthefoolmybrother，asheavyasapanegyricinafuneralsermon，oracopyofcommendatoryversesfromonepoettoanother。Andwhat’sworse，’tisassureaforerunneroftheauthorasanepistlededicatory。
　　MIRA。Afool，andyourbrother，Witwoud？
　　WIT。Ay，ay，myhalf—brother。Myhalf—brotherheis，nonearer，uponhonour。
　　MIRA。Then’tispossiblehemaybebuthalfafool。
　　WIT。Good，good，Mirabell，LEDROLE!Good，good，hanghim，don’tlet’stalkofhim。——Fainall，howdoesyourlady？Gad，Isayanythingintheworldtogetthisfellowoutofmyhead。IbegpardonthatIshouldaskamanofpleasureandthetownaquestionatoncesoforeignanddomestic。ButItalklikeanoldmaidatamarriage，Idon’tknowwhatIsay：butshe’sthebestwomanintheworld。
　　FAIN。’Tiswellyoudon’tknowwhatyousay，orelseyourcommendationwouldgoneartomakemeeithervainorjealous。
　　WIT。NomanintownliveswellwithawifebutFainall。Yourjudgment，Mirabell？
　　MIRA。Youhadbetterstepandaskhiswife，ifyouwouldbecrediblyinformed。
　　WIT。Mirabell!
　　MIRA。Ay。
　　WIT。Mydear，Iasktenthousandpardons。Gad，IhaveforgotwhatIwasgoingtosaytoyou。
　　MIRA。Ithankyouheartily，heartily。
　　WIT。No，butpritheeexcuseme：—mymemoryissuchamemory。
　　MIRA。Haveacareofsuchapologies，Witwoud；forIneverknewafoolbutheaffectedtocomplaineitherofthespleenorhismemory。
　　FAIN。WhathaveyoudonewithPetulant？
　　WIT。He’sreckoninghismoney；mymoneyitwas：Ihavenoluckto—
　　day。
　　FAIN。Youmayallowhimtowinofyouatplay，foryouaresuretobetoohardforhimatrepartee：sinceyoumonopolisethewitthatisbetweenyou，thefortunemustbehisofcourse。
　　MIRA。Idon’tfindthatPetulantconfessesthesuperiorityofwittobeyourtalent，Witwoud。
　　WIT。Come，come，youaremaliciousnow，andwouldbreeddebates。
　　Petulant’smyfriend，andaveryhonestfellow，andaveryprettyfellow，andhasasmattering——faithandtroth，aprettydealofanoddsortofasmallwit：nay，I’lldohimjustice。I’mhisfriend，Iwon’twronghim。Andifhehadanyjudgmentintheworld，hewouldnotbealtogethercontemptible。Come，come，don’tdetractfromthemeritsofmyfriend。
　　FAIN。Youdon’ttakeyourfriendtobeover—nicelybred？
　　WIT。No，no，hanghim，theroguehasnomannersatall，thatImustown；nomorebreedingthanabum—baily，thatIgrantyou：—’tispity；thefellowhasfireandlife。
　　MIRA。What，courage？
　　WIT。Hum，faith，Idon’tknowastothat，Ican’tsayastothat。
　　Yes，faith，inacontroversyhe’llcontradictanybody。
　　MIRA。Though’twereamanwhomhefearedorawomanwhomheloved。
　　WIT。Well，well，hedoesnotalwaysthinkbeforehespeaks。Wehaveallourfailings；youaretooharduponhim，youare，faith。
　　Letmeexcusehim，——Icandefendmostofhisfaults，exceptoneortwo；onehehas，that’sthetruthon’t，——ifheweremybrotherI
　　couldnotacquithim——thatindeedIcouldwishwereotherwise。
　　MIRA。Ay，marry，what’sthat，Witwoud？
　　WIT。Oh，pardonme。Exposetheinfirmitiesofmyfriend？No，mydear，excusemethere。
　　FAIN。What，Iwarranthe’sunsincere，or’tissomesuchtrifle。
　　WIT。No，no；whatifhebe？’Tisnomatterforthat，hiswitwillexcusethat。Awitshouldnomorebesincerethanawomanconstant：
　　onearguesadecayofparts，ast’otherofbeauty。
　　MIRA。Maybeyouthinkhimtoopositive？
　　WIT。No，no；hisbeingpositiveisanincentivetoargument，andkeepsupconversation。
　　FAIN。Tooilliterate？
　　WIT。That？That’shishappiness。Hiswantoflearninggiveshimthemoreopportunitiestoshowhisnaturalparts。
　　MIRA。Hewantswords？
　　WIT。Ay；butIlikehimforthatnow：forhiswantofwordsgivesmethepleasureveryoftentoexplainhismeaning。
　　FAIN。He’simpudent？
　　WIT。Nothat’snotit。
　　MIRA。Vain？
　　WIT。No。
　　MIRA。What，hespeaksunseasonabletruthssometimes，becausehehasnotwitenoughtoinventanevasion？
　　WIT。Truths？Ha，ha，ha!No，no，sinceyouwillhaveit，Imeanheneverspeakstruthatall，that’sall。Hewilllielikeachambermaid，orawomanofquality’sporter。Nowthatisafault。
　　SCENEVII。
　　[Tothem]COACHMAN。
　　COACH。IsMasterPetulanthere，mistress？
　　BET。Yes。
　　COACH。Threegentlewomeninacoachwouldspeakwithhim。
　　FAIN。ObravePetulant!Three!
　　BET。I’lltellhim。
　　COACH。Youmustbringtwodishesofchocolateandaglassofcinnamonwater。
　　SCENEVIII。
　　MIRABELL，FAINALL，WITWOUD。
　　WIT。Thatshouldbefortwofastingstrumpets，andabawdtroubledwithwind。Nowyoumayknowwhatthethreeare。
　　MIRA。Youareveryfreewithyourfriend’sacquaintance。
　　WIT。Ay，ay；friendshipwithoutfreedomisasdullaslovewithoutenjoymentorwinewithouttoasting：buttotellyouasecret，thesearetrullswhomheallowscoach—hire，andsomethingmorebytheweek，tocallonhimonceadayatpublicplaces。
　　MIRA。How!
　　WIT。Youshallseehewon’tgoto’embecausethere’snomorecompanyheretotakenoticeofhim。Why，thisisnothingtowhatheusedtodo：—beforehefoundoutthisway，Ihaveknownhimcallforhimself—
　　FAIN。Callforhimself？Whatdostthoumean？
　　WIT。Mean？Whyhewouldslipyououtofthischocolate—house，justwhenyouhadbeentalkingtohim。Assoonasyourbackwasturned——
　　whiphewasgone；thentriptohislodging，claponahoodandscarfandamask，slapintoahackney—coach，anddrivehithertothedooragaininatrice；wherehewouldsendinforhimself；thatImean，callforhimself，waitforhimself，nay，andwhat’smore，notfindinghimself，sometimesleavealetterforhimself。
　　MIRA。Iconfessthisissomethingextraordinary。Ibelievehewaitsforhimselfnow，heissolongacoming；oh，Iaskhispardon。
　　SCENEIX。
　　PETULANT，MIRABELL，FAINALL，WITWOUD，BETTY。
　　BET。Sir，thecoachstays。
　　PET。Well，well，Icome。’Sbud，amanhadasgoodbeaprofessedmidwifeasaprofessedwhoremaster，atthisrate；tobeknockedupandraisedatallhours，andinallplaces。Poxon’em，Iwon’tcome。D’yehear，tell’emIwon’tcome。Let’emsnivelandcrytheirheartsout。
　　FAIN。Youareverycruel，Petulant。
　　PET。All’sone，letitpass。Ihaveahumourtobecruel。
　　MIRA。Ihopetheyarenotpersonsofconditionthatyouuseatthisrate。
　　PET。Condition？Condition’sadriedfig，ifIamnotinhumour。
　　Bythishand，iftheywereyour——a——a——yourwhat—d’ee—call—’emsthemselves，theymustwaitorruboff，ifIwantappetite。
　　MIRA。What—d’ee—call—’ems!Whatarethey，Witwoud？
　　WIT。Empresses，mydear。Byyourwhat—d’ee—call—’emshemeansSultanaQueens。
　　PET。Ay，Roxolanas。
　　MIRA。Cryyoumercy。
　　FAIN。Witwoudsaystheyare—
　　PET。Whatdoeshesayth’are？
　　WIT。I？Fineladies，Isay。
　　PET。Passon，Witwoud。Harkee，bythislight，hisrelations——twoco—heiresseshiscousins，andanoldaunt，wholovescater—waulingbetterthanaconventicle。
　　WIT。Ha，ha，ha!Ihadamindtoseehowtheroguewouldcomeoff。
　　Ha，ha，ha!Gad，Ican’tbeangrywithhim，ifhehadsaidtheyweremymotherandmysisters。
　　MIRA。No？
　　WIT。No；therogue’switandreadinessofinventioncharmme，dearPetulant。
　　BET。Theyaregone，sir，ingreatanger。
　　PET。Enough，let’emtrundle。Angerhelpscomplexion，savespaint。
　　FAIN。Thiscontinenceisalldissembled；thisisinordertohavesomethingtobragofthenexttimehemakescourttoMillamant，andswearhehasabandonedthewholesexforhersake。
　　MIRA。Haveyounotleftoffyourimpudentpretensionsthereyet？I
　　shallcutyourthroat，sometimeorother，Petulant，aboutthatbusiness。
　　PET。Ay，ay，letthatpass。Thereareotherthroatstobecut。
　　MIRA。Meaningmine，sir？
　　PET。NotI——Imeannobody——Iknownothing。Butthereareunclesandnephewsintheworld——andtheymayberivals。Whatthen？All’soneforthat。
　　MIRA。How？Harkee，Petulant，comehither。Explain，orIshallcallyourinterpreter。
　　PET。Explain？Iknownothing。Why，youhaveanuncle，haveyounot，latelycometotown，andlodgesbymyLadyWishfort’s？
　　MIRA。True。
　　PET。Why，that’senough。Youandhearenotfriends；andifheshouldmarryandhaveachild，yonmaybedisinherited，ha!
　　MIRA。Wherehastthoustumbleduponallthistruth？
　　PET。All’soneforthat；why，then，sayIknowsomething。
　　MIRA。Come，thouartanhonestfellow，Petulant，andshaltmakelovetomymistress，thoushalt，faith。Whathastthouheardofmyuncle？
　　PET。I？Nothing，I。Ifthroatsaretobecut，letswordsclash。
　　Snug’stheword；Ishrugandamsilent。
　　MIRA。Oh，raillery，raillery!Come，Iknowthouartinthewomen’ssecrets。What，you’reacabalist；IknowyoustayedatMillamant’slastnightafterIwent。Wasthereanymentionmadeofmyuncleorme？Tellme；ifthouhadstbutgoodnatureequaltothywit，Petulant，TonyWitwoud，whoisnowthycompetitorinfame，wouldshowasdimbytheeasadeadwhiting’seyebyapearloforient；hewouldnomorebeseenbytheethanMercuryisbythesun：come，I’msurethouwo’ttellme。
　　PET。IfIdo，willyougrantmecommonsense，then，forthefuture？
　　MIRA。Faith，I’lldowhatIcanforthee，andI’llpraythatheav’nmaygrantittheeinthemeantime。
　　PET。Well，harkee。
　　FAIN。PetulantandyoubothwillfindMirabellaswarmarivalasalover。
　　WIT。Pshaw，pshaw，thatshelaughsatPetulantisplain。Andformypart，butthatitisalmostafashiontoadmireher，Ishould——
　　harkee——totellyouasecret，butletitgonofurtherbetweenfriends，Ishallneverbreakmyheartforher。
　　FAIN。How？
　　WIT。She’shandsome；butshe’sasortofanuncertainwoman。
　　FAIN。Ithoughtyouhaddiedforher。
　　WIT。Umh——no—
　　FAIN。Shehaswit。
　　WIT。’Tiswhatshewillhardlyallowanybodyelse。Now，demme，I
　　shouldhatethat，ifshewereashandsomeasCleopatra。Mirabellisnotsosureofherashethinksfor。
　　FAIN。Whydoyouthinkso？
　　WIT。Westayedprettylatetherelastnight，andheardsomethingofanuncletoMirabell，whoislatelycometotown，andisbetweenhimandthebestpartofhisestate。Mirabellandheareatsomedistance，asmyLadyWishforthasbeentold；andyouknowshehatesMirabellworsethanaquakerhatesaparrot，orthanafishmongerhatesahardfrost。WhetherthisunclehasseenMrs。Millamantornot，Icannotsay；buttherewereitemsofsuchatreatybeinginembryo；andifitshouldcometolife，poorMirabellwouldbeinsomesortunfortunatelyfobbed，i’faith。
　　FAIN。’TisimpossibleMillamantshouldhearkentoit。
　　WIT。Faith，mydear，Ican’ttell；she’sawomanandakindofahumorist。
　　MIRA。Andthisisthesumofwhatyoucouldcollectlastnight？
　　PET。Thequintessence。MaybeWitwoudknowsmore；hestayedlonger。
　　Besides，theynevermindhim；theysayanythingbeforehim。
　　MIRA。Ithoughtyouhadbeenthegreatestfavourite。
　　PET。Ay，tete—e—tete；butnotinpublic，becauseImakeremarks。
　　MIRA。Youdo？
　　PET。Ay，ay，pox，I’mmalicious，man。Nowhe’ssoft，youknow，theyarenotinaweofhim。Thefellow’swellbred，he’swhatyoucalla——whatd’ye—call—’em——afinegentleman，buthe’ssillywithal。
　　MIRA。Ithankyou，Iknowasmuchasmycuriosityrequires。
　　Fainall，areyoufortheMall？
　　FAIN。Ay，I’lltakeaturnbeforedinner。
　　WIT。Ay，we’llallwalkinthepark；theladiestalkedofbeingthere。
　　MIRA。IthoughtyouwereobligedtowatchforyourbrotherSirWilfull’sarrival。
　　WIT。No，no，hecomestohisaunt’s，myLadyWishfort；poxonhim，Ishallbetroubledwithhimtoo；whatshallIdowiththefool？
　　PET。Beghimforhisestate，thatImaybegyouafterwards，andsohavebutonetroublewithyouboth。
　　WIT。OrarePetulant，thouartasquickasfireinafrostymorning；thoushalttotheMallwithus，andwe’llbeverysevere。
　　PET。Enough；I’minahumourtobesevere。
　　MIRA。Areyou？Praythenwalkbyyourselves。Letnotusbeaccessorytoyourputtingtheladiesoutofcountenancewithyoursenselessribaldry，whichyouroaroutaloudasoftenastheypassbyyou，andwhenyouhavemadeahandsomewomanblush，thenyouthinkyouhavebeensevere。
　　PET。What，what？Thenlet’emeithershowtheirinnocencebynotunderstandingwhattheyhear，orelseshowtheirdiscretionbynothearingwhattheywouldnotbethoughttounderstand。
　　MIRA。Buthastnotthouthensenseenoughtoknowthatthouought’sttobemostashamedthyselfwhenthouhastputanotheroutofcountenance？
　　PET。NotI，bythishand：Ialwaystakeblushingeitherforasignofguiltorill—breeding。
　　MIRA。Iconfessyououghttothinkso。Youareintheright，thatyoumaypleadtheerrorofyourjudgmentindefenceofyourpractice。
　　Wheremodesty’sillmanners，’tisbutfitThatimpudenceandmalicepassforwit。
　　ACTII。——SCENEI。
　　St。James’sPark。
　　MRS。FAINALLandMRS。MARWOOD。
　　MRS。FAIN。Ay，ay，dearMarwood，ifwewillbehappy，wemustfindthemeansinourselves，andamongourselves。Menareeverinextremes；eitherdotingoraverse。Whiletheyarelovers，iftheyhavefireandsense，theirjealousiesareinsupportable：andwhentheyceasetolove（weoughttothinkatleast）theyloathe，theylookuponuswithhorroranddistaste，theymeetusliketheghostsofwhatwewere，andasfromsuch，flyfromus。
　　MRS。MAR。True，’tisanunhappycircumstanceoflifethatloveshouldeverdiebeforeus，andthatthemansooftenshouldoutlivethelover。Butsaywhatyouwill，’tisbettertobeleftthannevertohavebeenloved。Topassouryouthindullindifference，torefusethesweetsoflifebecausetheyoncemustleaveus，isaspreposterousastowishtohavebeenbornold，becauseweonedaymustbeold。Formypart，myyouthmaywearandwaste，butitshallneverrustinmypossession。
　　MRS。FAIN。Thenitseemsyoudissembleanaversiontomankindonlyincompliancetomymother’shumour。
　　MRS。MAR。Certainly。Tobefree，Ihavenotasteofthoseinsipiddrydiscourseswithwhichoursexofforcemustentertainthemselvesapartfrommen。Wemayaffectendearmentstoeachother，professeternalfriendships，andseemtodotelikelovers；but’tisnotinournatureslongtopersevere。Lovewillresumehisempireinourbreasts，andeveryheart，orsoonorlate，receiveandreadmithimasitslawfultyrant。
　　MRS。FAIN。Blessme，howhaveIbeendeceived!Why，youprofessalibertine。
　　MRS。MAR。Youseemyfriendshipbymyfreedom。Come，beassincere，acknowledgethatyoursentimentsagreewithmine。
　　MRS。FAIN。Never。
　　MRS。MAR。Youhatemankind？
　　MRS。FAIN。Heartily，inveterately。
　　MRS。MAR。Yourhusband？
　　MRS。FAIN。Mosttranscendently；ay，thoughIsayit，meritoriously。
　　MRS。MAR。Givemeyourhanduponit。
　　MRS。FAIN。There。
　　MRS。MAR。Ijoinwithyou；whatIhavesaidhasbeentotryyou。
　　MRS。FAIN。Isitpossible？Dostthouhatethosevipers，men？
　　MRS。MAR。Ihavedonehating’em，andamnowcometodespise’em；
　　thenextthingIhavetodoiseternallytoforget’em。
　　MRS。FAIN。TherespokethespiritofanAmazon，aPenthesilea。
　　MRS。MAR。AndyetIamthinkingsometimestocarrymyaversionfurther。
　　MRS。FAIN。How？
　　MRS。MAR。Faith，bymarrying；ifIcouldbutfindonethatlovedmeverywell，andwouldbethroughlysensibleofillusage，IthinkI
　　shoulddomyselftheviolenceofundergoingtheceremony。
　　MRS。FAIN。Youwouldnotmakehimacuckold？
　　MRS。MAR。No；butI’dmakehimbelieveIdid，andthat’sasbad。
　　MRS。FAIN。Whyhadnotyouasgooddoit？
　　MRS。MAR。Oh，ifheshouldeverdiscoverit，hewouldthenknowtheworst，andbeoutofhispain；butIwouldhavehimevertocontinueupontherackoffearandjealousy。
　　MRS。FAIN。Ingeniousmischief!WouldthouwertmarriedtoMirabell。
　　MRS。MAR。WouldIwere。
　　MRS。FAIN。Youchangecolour。
　　MRS。MAR。BecauseIhatehim。
　　MRS。FAIN。SodoI；butIcanhearhimnamed。Butwhatreasonhaveyoutohatehiminparticular？
　　MRS。MAR。Ineverlovedhim；heis，andalwayswas，insufferablyproud。
　　MRS。FAIN。Bythereasonyougiveforyouraversion，onewouldthinkitdissembled；foryouhavelaidafaulttohischarge，ofwhichhisenemiesmustacquithim。
　　MRS。MAR。Oh，thenitseemsyouareoneofhisfavourableenemies。
　　Methinksyoulookalittlepale，andnowyouflushagain。
　　MRS。FAIN。DoI？IthinkIamalittlesicko’thesudden。
　　MRS。MAR。Whatailsyou？
　　MRS。FAIN。Myhusband。Don’tyouseehim？Heturnedshortuponmeunawares，andhasalmostovercomeme。
　　SCENEII。
　　[Tothem]FAINALLandMIRABELL。
　　MRS。MAR。Ha，ha，ha!hecomesopportunelyforyou。
　　MRS。FAIN。Foryou，forhehasbroughtMirabellwithhim。
　　FAIN。Mydear。
　　MRS。FAIN。Mysoul。
　　FAIN。Youdon’tlookwellto—day，child。
　　MRS。FAIN。D’yethinkso？
　　MIRA。Heistheonlymanthatdoes，madam。
　　MRS。FAIN。Theonlymanthatwouldtellmesoatleast，andtheonlymanfromwhomIcouldhearitwithoutmortification。
　　FAIN。Oh，mydear，Iamsatisfiedofyourtenderness；Iknowyoucannotresentanythingfromme；especiallywhatisaneffectofmyconcern。
　　MRS。FAIN。Mr。Mirabell，mymotherinterruptedyouinapleasantrelationlastnight：Iwouldfainhearitout。
　　MIRA。Thepersonsconcernedinthataffairhaveyetatolerablereputation。IamafraidMr。Fainallwillbecensorious。
　　MRS。FAIN。Hehasahumourmoreprevailingthanhiscuriosity，andwillwillinglydispensewiththehearingofonescandalousstory，toavoidgivinganoccasiontomakeanotherbybeingseentowalkwithhiswife。Thisway，Mr。Mirabell，andIdarepromiseyouwillobligeusboth。
　　SCENEIII。
　　FAINALL，MRS。MARWOOD。
　　FAIN。Excellentcreature!Well，sure，ifIshouldlivetoberidofmywife，Ishouldbeamiserableman。
　　MRS。MAR。Ay？
　　FAIN。Forhavingonlythatonehope，theaccomplishmentofitofconsequencemustputanendtoallmyhopes，andwhatawretchishewhomustsurvivehishopes!NothingremainswhenthatdaycomesbuttositdownandweeplikeAlexanderwhenhewantedotherworldstoconquer。
　　MRS。MAR。Willyounotfollow’em？
　　FAIN。Faith，Ithinknot，MRS。MAR。Prayletus；Ihaveareason。
　　FAIN。Youarenotjealous？
　　MRS。MAR。Ofwhom？
　　FAIN。OfMirabell。
　　MRS。MAR。IfIam，isitinconsistentwithmylovetoyouthatIamtenderofyourhonour？
　　FAIN。Youwouldintimatethen，asiftherewereafellow—feelingbetweenmywifeandhim？
　　MRS。MAR。Ithinkshedoesnothatehimtothatdegreeshewouldbethought。
　　FAIN。Buthe，Ifear，istooinsensible。
　　MRS。MAR。Itmaybeyouaredeceived。
　　FAIN。Itmaybeso。Idonotnowbegintoapprehendit。
　　MRS。MAR。What？
　　FAIN。ThatIhavebeendeceived，madam，andyouarefalse。
　　MRS。MAR。ThatIamfalse？Whatmeanyou？
　　FAIN。ToletyouknowIseethroughallyourlittlearts。——Come，youbothlovehim，andbothhaveequallydissembledyouraversion。
　　Yourmutualjealousiesofoneanotherhavemadeyouclashtillyouhavebothstruckfire。Ihaveseenthewarmconfessionred’ningonyourcheeks，andsparklingfromyoureyes。
　　MRS。MAR。Youdomewrong。
　　FAIN。Idonot。’Twasformyeasetooverseeandwilfullyneglectthegrossadvancesmadehimbymywife，thatbypermittinghertobeengaged，Imightcontinueunsuspectedinmypleasures，andtakeyouoftenertomyarmsinfullsecurity。Butcouldyouthink，becausethenoddinghusbandwouldnotwake，thate’erthewatchfulloverslept？
　　MRS。MAR。Andwherewithalcanyoureproachme？
　　FAIN。Withinfidelity，withlovinganother，withloveofMirabell。
　　MRS。MAR。’Tisfalse。Ichallengeyoutoshowaninstancethatcanconfirmyourgroundlessaccusation。Ihatehim。
　　FAIN。Andwhereforedoyouhatehim？Heisinsensible，andyourresentmentfollowshisneglect。Aninstance？Theinjuriesyouhavedonehimareaproof：yourinterposinginhislove。Whatcausehadyoutomakediscoveriesofhispretendedpassion？Toundeceivethecredulousaunt，andbetheofficiousobstacleofhismatchwithMillamant？
　　MRS。MAR。Myobligationstomyladyurgedme：Ihadprofessedafriendshiptoher，andcouldnotseehereasynaturesoabusedbythatdissembler。
　　FAIN。What，wasitconsciencethen？Professedafriendship!Oh，thepiousfriendshipsofthefemalesex!
　　MRS。MAR。Moretender，moresincere，andmoreenduring，thanallthevainandemptyvowsofmen，whetherprofessinglovetousormutualfaithtooneanother。
　　FAIN。Ha，ha，ha!youaremywife’sfriendtoo。
　　MRS。MAR。Shameandingratitude!Doyoureproachme？You，youupbraidme？HaveIbeenfalsetoher，throughstrictfidelitytoyou，andsacrificedmyfriendshiptokeepmyloveinviolate？Andhaveyouthebasenesstochargemewiththeguilt，unmindfulofthemerit？ToyouitshouldbemeritoriousthatIhavebeenvicious。
　　Anddoyoureflectthatguiltuponmewhichshouldlieburiedinyourbosom？
　　FAIN。Youmisinterpretmyreproof。Imeantbuttoremindyouoftheslightaccountyouoncecouldmakeofstrictesttieswhensetincompetitionwithyourlovetome。
　　MRS。MAR。’Tisfalse，youurgeditwithdeliberatemalice。’Twasspokeinscorn，andIneverwillforgiveit。
　　FAIN。Yourguilt，notyourresentment，begetsyourrage。Ifyetyouloved，youcouldforgiveajealousy：butyouarestungtofindyouarediscovered。
　　MRS。MAR。Itshallbealldiscovered。Youtooshallbediscovered；
　　besureyoushall。Icanbutbeexposed。IfIdoitmyselfIshallpreventyourbaseness。
　　FAIN。Why，whatwillyoudo？
　　MRS。MAR。Discloseittoyourwife；ownwhathaspastbetweenus。
　　FAIN。Frenzy!
　　MRS。MAR。ByallmywrongsI’lldo’t。I’llpublishtotheworldtheinjuriesyouhavedoneme，bothinmyfameandfortune：withbothItrustedyou，youbankruptinhonour，asindigentofwealth。
　　FAIN。YourfameIhavepreserved。Yourfortunehasbeenbestowedastheprodigalityofyourlovewouldhaveit，inpleasureswhichwebothhaveshared。Yet，hadnotyoubeenfalseIhade’erthisrepaidit。’Tistrue——hadyoupermittedMirabellwithMillamanttohavestolentheirmarriage，myladyhadbeenincensedbeyondallmeansofreconcilement：Millamanthadforfeitedthemoietyofherfortune，whichthenwouldhavedescendedtomywife。AndwhereforedidImarrybuttomakelawfulprizeofarichwidow’swealth，andsquanderitonloveandyou？
　　MRS。MAR。Deceitandfrivolouspretence!
　　FAIN。Death，amInotmarried？What’spretence？AmInotimprisoned，fettered？HaveInotawife？Nay，awifethatwasawidow，ayoungwidow，ahandsomewidow，andwouldbeagainawidow，butthatIhaveaheartofproof，andsomethingofaconstitutiontobustlethroughthewaysofwedlockandthisworld。Willyouyetbereconciledtotruthandme？
　　MRS。MAR。Impossible。Truthandyouareinconsistent。——Ihateyou，andshallforever。
　　FAIN。Forlovingyou？
　　MRS。MAR。Iloathethenameofloveaftersuchusage；andnexttotheguiltwithwhichyouwouldasperseme，Iscornyoumost。
　　Farewell。
　　FAIN。Nay，wemustnotpartthus。
　　MRS。MAR。Letmego。
　　FAIN。Come，I’msorry。
　　MRS。MAR。Icarenot。Letmego。Breakmyhands，do——I’dleave’emtogetloose。
　　FAIN。Iwouldnothurtyoufortheworld。HaveInootherholdtokeepyouhere？
　　MRS。MAR。Well，Ihavedeserveditall。
　　FAIN。YouknowIloveyou。
　　MRS。MAR。Poordissembling!Oh，that——well，itisnotyet—
　　FAIN。What？Whatisitnot？Whatisitnotyet？Itisnotyettoolate—
　　MRS。MAR。No，itisnotyettoolate——Ihavethatcomfort。
　　FAIN。Itis，toloveanother。
　　MRS。MAR。Butnottoloathe，detest，abhormankind，myself，andthewholetreacherousworld。
　　FAIN。Nay，thisisextravagance。Come，Iaskyourpardon。Notears——Iwastoblame，Icouldnotloveyouandbeeasyinmydoubts。Prayforbear——Ibelieveyou；I’mconvincedI’vedoneyouwrong；andanyway，everywaywillmakeamends：I’llhatemywifeyetmore，damnher，I’llpartwithher，robherofallshe’sworth，andwe’llretiresomewhere，anywhere，toanotherworld；I’llmarrythee——bepacified。——’Sdeath，theycome：hideyourface，yourtears。
　　Youhaveamask：wearitamoment。Thisway，thisway：bepersuaded。
　　SCENEIV。
　　MIRABELLandMRS。FAINALL。
　　MRS。FAIN。Theyarehereyet。
　　MIRA。Theyareturningintotheotherwalk。
　　MRS。FAIN。WhileIonlyhatedmyhusband，Icouldbeartoseehim；
　　butsinceIhavedespisedhim，he’stoooffensive。
　　MIRA。Oh，youshouldhatewithprudence。
　　MRS。FAIN。Yes，forIhavelovedwithindiscretion。
　　MIRA。Youshouldhavejustsomuchdisgustforyourhusbandasmaybesufficienttomakeyourelishyourlover。
　　MRS。FAIN。YouhavebeenthecausethatIhavelovedwithoutbounds，andwouldyousetlimitstothataversionofwhichyouhavebeentheoccasion？Whydidyoumakememarrythisman？
　　MIRA。Whydowedailycommitdisagreeableanddangerousactions？
　　Tosavethatidol，reputation。Ifthefamiliaritiesofourloveshadproducedthatconsequenceofwhichyouwereapprehensive，wherecouldyouhavefixedafather’snamewithcreditbutonahusband？
　　IknewFainalltobeamanlavishofhismorals，aninterestedandprofessingfriend，afalseandadesigninglover，yetonewhosewitandoutwardfairbehaviourhavegainedareputationwiththetown，enoughtomakethatwomanstandexcusedwhohassufferedherselftobewonbyhisaddresses。Abettermanoughtnottohavebeensacrificedtotheoccasion；aworsehadnotansweredtothepurpose。
　　Whenyouarewearyofhimyouknowyourremedy。
　　MRS。FAIN。Ioughttostandinsomedegreeofcreditwithyou，Mirabell。
　　MIRA。Injusticetoyou，Ihavemadeyouprivytomywholedesign，andputitinyourpowertoruinoradvancemyfortune。
　　MRS。FAIN。Whomhaveyouinstructedtorepresentyourpretendeduncle？
　　MIRA。Waitwell，myservant。
　　MRS。FAIN。HeisanhumbleservanttoFoible，mymother’swoman，andmaywinhertoyourinterest。
　　MIRA。Careistakenforthat。Sheiswonandwornbythistime。
　　Theyweremarriedthismorning。
　　MRS。FAIN。Who？
　　MIRA。WaitwellandFoible。Iwouldnottemptmyservanttobetraymebytrustinghimtoofar。Ifyourmother，inhopestoruinme，shouldconsenttomarrymypretendeduncle，hemight，likeMoscaintheFOX，standuponterms；soImadehimsurebeforehand。
　　MRS。FAIN。So，ifmypoormotheriscaughtinacontract，youwilldiscovertheimposturebetimes，andreleaseherbyproducingacertificateofhergallant’sformermarriage。
　　MIRA。Yes，uponconditionthatsheconsenttomymarriagewithherniece，andsurrenderthemoietyofherfortuneinherpossession。
　　MRS。FAIN。ShetalkedlastnightofendeavouringatamatchbetweenMillamantandyouruncle。
　　MIRA。ThatwasbyFoible’sdirectionandmyinstruction，thatshemightseemtocarryitmoreprivately。
　　MRS。FAIN。Well，Ihaveanopinionofyoursuccess，forIbelievemyladywilldoanythingtogetanhusband；andwhenshehasthis，whichyouhaveprovidedforher，Isupposeshewillsubmittoanythingtogetridofhim。
　　MIRA。Yes，Ithinkthegoodladywouldmarryanythingthatresembledaman，though’twerenomorethanwhatabutlercouldpinchoutofanapkin。
　　MRS。FAIN。Femalefrailty!Wemustallcometoit，ifwelivetobeold，andfeelthecravingofafalseappetitewhenthetrueisdecayed。
　　MIRA。Anoldwoman’sappetiteisdepravedlikethatofagirl。
　　’Tisthegreen—sicknessofasecondchildhood，and，likethefaintofferofalatterspring，servesbuttousherinthefall，andwithersinanaffectedbloom。
　　MRS。FAIN。Here’syourmistress。