"Butstop，"saysI。"Oladies，Oladies!Ogentlemen，gentlemen!
thatyoushouldeverhavecometothequartersofGoliahGahagan，andhebeenwithout——"
"What？"saidthey，inabreath。
"Alas!alas!Ihavenotgotasinglestickofchocolateinthewholehouse。"
"Well，well，wecandowithoutit。"
"Orasinglepoundofcoffee。"
"Nevermind；letthatpasstoo。"（Mrs。Vanandtherestwerebeginningtolookalarmed。）
"Andaboutthekidneys——nowIremember，theblackdivvlesoutsidetheforthaveseizeduponallthesheep；andhowarewetohavekidneyswithoutthem？"（Heretherewasaslighto—o—o!）
"Andwithregardtothemilkandcrame，itmayberemarkedthatthecowsarelikewiseinpawn，andnotasingledropcanbehadformoneyorlove：butwecanbeatupeggs，youknow，inthetay，whichwillbejustasgood。"
"Oh!justasgood。"
"Onlythedivvle’sintheluck，there’snotafresheggtobehad——
no，norafreshchicken，"continuedI，"norastaleoneeither；notatayspoonfulofsouchong，norathimblefulofbohay；northelastetasteinlifeofbutther，saltorfresh；norhotrowlsorcowld!"
"InthenameofHeaven!"saidMrs。Van，growingverypale，"whatisthere，then？"
"Ladiesandgentlemen，I’lltellyouwhatthereisnow，"shoutedI。
"There’s"Twodrumsticksoffowls，andaboneofham。
Fourteenbottlesofginger—beer，"&c。&c。&c。
AndIwentthroughthewholelistofeatablesasbefore，endingwiththeham—sandwichesandthepotofjelly。
"Law!Mr。Gahagan，"saidMrs。ColonelVandegobbleschroy，"givemetheham—sandwiches——Imustmanagetobreakfastoffthem。"
Andyoushouldhaveheardtheprettyto—dotherewasatthismodestproposition!OfcourseIdidnotaccedetoit——whyshouldI？I
wasthecommanderofthefort，andintendedtokeepthesethreeverysandwichesfortheuseofmyselfandmydearBelinda。
"Ladies，"saidI，"thereareinthisfortonehundredandtwenty—
sixsouls，andthisisallthefoodwhichistolastusduringthesiege。Meatthereisnone——ofdrinkthereisatolerablequantity；
andatoneo’clockpunctually，aglassofwineandoneoliveshallbeservedouttoeachwoman：themenwillreceivetwoglasses，andanoliveandafig——andthismustbeyourfoodduringthesiege。
LordLakecannotbeabsentmorethanthreedays；andifhebe——why，stillthereisachance——whydoIsayachance？——aCERTAINTYofescapingfromthehandsoftheseruffians。"
"Oh，nameit，nameit，dearCaptainGahagan!"screechedthewholecoveyatabreath。
"Itlies，"answeredI，"inthepowdermagazine。Iwillblowthisfort，andallitcontains，toatoms，ereitbecomesthepreyofHolkar。"
Thewomen，atthis，raisedasquealthatmighthavebeenheardinHolkar’scamp，andfaintedindifferentdirections；butmydearBelindawhisperedinmyear，"Welldone，thounobleknight!bravelysaid，myheart’sGoliah!"IfeltIwasright：Icouldhaveblownheruptwentytimesfortheluxuryofthatsinglemoment!"Andnow，ladies，"saidI，"Imustleaveyou。Thetwochaplainswillremainwithyoutoadministerprofessionalconsolation——theothergentlemenwillfollowmeupstairstotheramparts，whereIshallfindplentyofworkforthem。"
CHAPTERVII：THEESCAPE
Lothastheywere，thesegentlemenhadnothingforitbuttoobey，andtheyaccordinglyfollowedmetotheramparts，whereIproceededtoreviewmymen。Thefort，inmyabsence，hadbeenleftincommandofLieutenantMacgillicuddy，acountrymanofmyown（withwhom，asmaybeseeninanearlychapterofmymemoirs，Ihadanaffairofhonour）；andtheprisonerBobbachyBahawder，whomIhadonlystunned，neverwishingtokillhim，hadbeenleftinchargeofthatofficer。Threeofthegarrison（oneofthemamanoftheAhmednuggarIrregulars，myownbody—servant，Ghorumsaugabovenamed）wereappointedtowatchthecaptivebyturns，andneverleavehimoutoftheirsight。Thelieutenantwasinstructedtolooktothemandtotheirprisoner；andasBobbachywasseverelyinjuredbytheblowwhichIhadgivenhim，andwas，moreover，boundhandandfoot，andgaggedsmartlywithcords，Iconsideredmyselfsureofhisperson。
MacgillicuddydidnotmakehisappearancewhenIreviewedmylittleforce，andthethreehavildarswerelikewiseabsent：thisdidnotsurpriseme，asIhadtoldthemnottoleavetheirprisoner；butdesiroustospeakwiththelieutenant，Idespatchedamessengertohim，andorderedhimtoappearimmediately。
Themessengercameback；hewaslookingghastlypale：hewhisperedsomeinformationintomyear，whichinstantlycausedmetohastentotheapartmentswhereIhadcausedBobbachyBahawdertobeconfined。
Themenhadfled；——Bobbachyhadfled；andinhisplace，fancymyastonishmentwhenIfound——witharopecuttinghisnaturallywidemouthalmostintohisears——withadreadfulsabre—cutacrosshisforehead——withhislegstiedoverhishead，andhisarmstiedbetweenhislegs——myunhappy，myattachedfriend——MortimerMacgillicuddy!
Hehadbeeninthispositionforaboutthreehours——itwastheverypositioninwhichIhadcausedBobbachyBahawdertobeplaced——anattitudeuncomfortable，itistrue，butonewhichrendersescapeimpossible，unlesstreasonaidtheprisoner。
Irestoredthelieutenanttohisnaturalerectposition；Ipouredhalf—a—bottleofwhiskydowntheimmenselyenlargedorificeofhismouth；andwhenhehadbeenreleased，heinformedmeofthecircumstancesthathadtakenplace。
FoolthatIwas!idiot!——uponmyreturntothefort，tohavebeenanxiousaboutmypersonalappearance，andtohavespentacoupleofhoursinremovingtheartificialblackeningfrommybeardandcomplexion，insteadofgoingtoexaminemyprisoner——whenhisescapewouldhavebeenprevented。Ofoppery，foppery!——itwasthatcursedloveofpersonalappearancewhichhadledmetoforgetmydutytomygeneral，mycountry，mymonarch，andmyownhonour!
Thusitwasthattheescapetookplace：—MyownfellowoftheIrregulars，whomIhadsummonedtodressme，performedtheoperationtomysatisfaction，investedmewiththeelegantuniformofmycorps，andremovedthePitan’sdisguise，whichIhadtakenfromthebackoftheprostrateBobbachyBahawder。Whatdidtheroguedonext？——Why，hecarriedbackthedresstotheBobbachy——heputit，oncemore，onitsrightowner；heandhisinfernalblackcompanions（whohadbeenwonoverbytheBobbachywithpromisesofenormousreward）gaggedMacgillicuddy，whowasgoingtherounds，andthenmarchedwiththeIndiancoollyuptotheoutergate，andgavetheword。Thesentinel，thinkingitwasmyself，whohadfirstcomein，andwasaslikelytogooutagain——（indeedmyrascallyvaletsaidthatGahaganSahibwasabouttogooutwithhimandhistwocompanionstoreconnoitre）——openedthegates，andofftheywent!
ThisaccountedfortheconfusionofmyvaletwhenIentered!——andforthescoundrel’sspeech，thatthelieutenanthadJUSTBEENTHE
ROUNDS；——heHAD，poorfellow，andhadbeenseizedandboundinthiscruelway。Thethreemen，withtheirliberatedprisoner，hadjustbeenonthepointofescape，whenmyarrivaldisconcertedthem：I
hadchangedtheguardatthegate（whomtheyhadwonoverlikewise）；andyet，althoughtheyhadovercomepoorMac，andalthoughtheywerereadyforthestart，theyhadpositivelynomeansforeffectingtheirescape，untilIwasassenoughtoputmeansintheirway。Fool!fool!thricebesottedfoolthatIwas，tothinkofmyownsillypersonwhenIshouldhavebeenoccupiedsolelywithmypublicduty。
FromMacgillicuddy’sincoherentaccounts，ashewasgaspingfromtheeffectsofthegagandthewhiskyhehadtakentorevivehim，andfrommyownsubsequentobservations，Ilearnedthissadstory。
Asuddenandpainfulthoughtstruckme——mypreciousbox!——Irushedback，Ifoundthatbox——Ihaveitstill。Openingit，there，whereIhadleftingots，sacksofbrighttomauns，kopeksandrupees，stringsofdiamondsasbigasducks’eggs，rubiesasredasthelipsofmyBelinda，countlessstringsofpearls，amethysts，emeralds，pilesuponpilesofbank—notes——Ifound——apieceofpaper!withafewlinesintheSanscritlanguage，whicharethus，wordforword，translated：—
"EPIGRAM。
（OndisappointingacertainMajor。）
"Theconqueringlionreturn’dwithhisprey，Andsafeinhiscavernhesetit；
Theslylittlefoxstolethebootyaway，And，asheescaped，totheliondidsay，’AHA!don’tyouwishyoumaygetit？’"
Confusion!Oh，howmybloodboiledasIreadthesecuttinglines。
Istamped，——Iswore，——Idon’tknowtowhatinsanelengthsmyragemighthavecarriedme，hadnotatthismomentasoldierrushedin，screaming，"Theenemy，theenemy!"
CHAPTERVIII：THECAPTIVE
Itwashightime，indeed，thatIshouldmakemyappearance。Wavingmyswordwithonehandandseizingmytelescopewiththeother，I
atoncefrightenedandexaminedtheenemy。Welltheyknewwhentheysawthatflamingo—plumefloatinginthebreeze——thatawfulfigurestandinginthebreach——thatwavingwar—swordsparklinginthesky——well，Isay，theyknewthenameofthehumbleindividualwhoownedthesword，theplume，andthefigure。Theruffiansweremusteredinfront，thecavalrybehind。Theflagswereflying，thedrums，gongs，tambourines，violoncellos，andotherinstrumentsofEasternmusic，raisedintheairastrangebarbaricmelody；theofficers（yatabals），mountedonwhitedromedaries，wereseengallopingtoandfro，carryingtotheadvancinghoststheordersofHolkar。
YouseethattwosidesofthefortofFuttyghur（risingasitdoesonarockthatisalmostperpendicular）aredefendedbytheBurrumpooterriver，twohundredfeetdeepatthispoint，andathousandyardswide，sothatIhadnofearaboutthemattackingmeinthatquarter。Myguns，therefore（withtheirsix—and—thirtymiserablechargesofshot），weredraggedroundtothepointatwhichIconceivedHolkarwouldbemostlikelytoattackme。IwasinasituationthatIdidnotdaretofire，exceptatsuchtimesasIcouldkillahundredmenbyasingledischargeofacannon；sotheattackingpartymarchedandmarched，verystrongly，aboutamileandahalfoff，theelephantsmarchingwithoutreceivingtheslightestdamagefromus，untiltheyhadcometowithinfourhundredyardsofourwalls（theroguesknewallthesecretsofourweakness，throughthebetrayalofthedastardlyGhorumsaug，ortheyneverwouldhaveventuredsonear）。Atthatdistance——itwasaboutthespotwheretheFuttyghurhillbegangraduallytorise——theinvadingforcestopped；theelephantsdrewupinaline，atrightangleswithourwall（thefools!theythoughttheyshouldexposethemselvestoomuchbytakingapositionparalleltoit）；thecavalryhaltedtoo，and——afterthedeuce’sownflourishoftrumpetsandbangingofgongs，tobesure，——somebody，inaflame—colouredsatindress，withanimmensejewelblazinginhispugree（thatlookedthroughmytelescopelikeasmallbutverybrightplanet），gotupfromthebackofoneoftheverybiggestelephants，andbeganaspeech。
Theelephantswere，asIsaid，inalineformedwithadmirableprecision，aboutthreehundredofthem。Thefollowinglittlediagramwillexplainmatters：—……G
E
F
Eisthelineofelephants。Fisthewallofthefort。Gaguninthefort。NowthereaderwillseewhatIdid。
Theelephantswerestanding，theirtrunkswagglingtoandfrogracefullybeforethem；andI，withsuperhumanskillandactivity，broughtthegunG（adevilishlongbrassgun）tobearuponthem。I
pointeditmyself；bang!itwent，andwhatwastheconsequence？
Why，this：—
x……G
E
F
Fisthefort，asbefore。Gisthegun，asbefore。E，theelephants，aswehavepreviouslyseenthem。Whatthenisx？xisthelinetakenbytheballfiredfromG，whichtookoffONEHUNDRED
ANDTHIRTY—FOURELEPHANTS’TRUNKS，andonlyspentitselfinthetuskofaveryoldanimal，thatstoodthehundredandthirty—fifth!
Isaythatsuchashotwasneverfiredbeforeorsince；thatagunwasneverpointedinsuchaway。SupposeIhadbeenacommonman，andcontentedmyselfwithfiringbangattheheadofthefirstanimal？Anasswouldhavedoneit，pridedhimselfhadhehithismark，andwhatwouldhavebeentheconsequence？Why，thattheballmighthavekilledtwoelephantsandwoundedathird；buthere，probably，itwouldhavestopped，anddonenofurthermischief。Thetrunkwastheplaceatwhichtoaim；therearenobonesthere；andaway，consequently，wentthebullet，shearing，asIhavesaid，throughonehundredandthirty—fiveprobosces。Heavens!whatahowltherewaswhentheshottookeffect!WhatasuddenstoppageofHolkar’sspeech!Whatahideoussnortingofelephants!Whatarushbackwardswasmadebythewholearmy，asifsomedemonwaspursuingthem!
Awaytheywent。NosoonerdidIseetheminfullretreat，than，rushingforwardmyself，Ishoutedtomymen，"Myfriends，yonderliesyourdinner!"Weflungopenthegates——wetoredowntothespotwheretheelephantshadfallen：sevenofthemwerekilled；
andofthosethatescapedtodieoftheirhideouswoundselsewhere，mosthadlefttheirtrunksbehindthem。Agreatquantityofthemweseized；andImyself，cuttingupwithmyscimitaracoupleofthefallenanimals，asabutcherwouldacalf，motionedtothementotakethepiecesbacktothefort，wherebarbecuedelephantwasservedroundfordinner，insteadofthemiserableallowanceofanoliveandaglassofwine，whichIhadpromisedtomyfemalefriends，inmyspeechtothem。Theanimalreservedfortheladieswasayoungwhiteone——thefattestandtenderestIeverateinmylife：theyareveryfaireating，butthefleshhasanIndia—rubberflavour，which，untiloneisaccustomedtoit，isunpalatable。
ItwaswellthatIhadobtainedthissupply，for，duringmyabsenceontheworks，Mrs。Vandegobbleschroyandoneortwoothershadforcedtheirwayintothesupper—room，anddevouredeverymorselofthegarrisonlarder，withtheexceptionofthecheeses，theolives，andthewine，whichwerelockedupinmyownapartment，beforewhichstoodasentinel。DisgustingMrs。Van!WhenIheardofhergluttony，IhadalmostamindtoeatHER。However，wemadeaverycomfortabledinneroffthebarbecuedsteaks，andwheneverybodyhaddone，hadthecomfortofknowingthattherewasenoughforonemealmore。
Thenextday，asIexpected，theenemyattackedusingreatforce，attemptingtoescaladethefort；butbythehelpofmyguns，andmygoodsword，bythedistinguishedbraveryofLieutenantMacgillicuddyandtherestofthegarrison，webeatthisattackoffcompletely，theenemysustainingalossofsevenhundredmen。Wewerevictorious；butwhenanotherattackwasmade，whatwerewetodo？Wehadstillalittlepowderleft，buthadfiredoffalltheshot，stones，iron—bars，&c。inthegarrison!Onthisday，too，wedevouredthelastmorselofourfood：IshallneverforgetMrs。
Vandegobbleschroy’sdespairinglook，asIsawhersittingalone，attemptingtomakesomeimpressiononthelittlewhiteelephant’sroastedtail。
Thethirddaytheattackwasrepeated。Theresourcesofgeniusareneveratanend。YesterdayIhadnoammunition；to—day，I
discoveredchargessufficientfortwoguns，andtwoswivels，whichweremuchlonger，buthadboresofaboutblunderbusssize。
ThistimemyfriendLollMahommed，whohadreceived，asthereadermayremember，suchabastinadoingformysake，headedtheattack。
Thepoorwretchcouldnotwalk，buthewascarriedinanopenpalanquin，andcameonwavinghissword，andcursinghorriblyinhisHindustanjargon。Behindhimcametroopsofmatchlock—men，whopickedoffeveryoneofourmenwhoshowedtheirnosesabovetheramparts；andagreathostofblackamoorswithscaling—ladders，bundlestofilltheditch，fascines，gabions，culverins，demilunes，counterscarps，andalltheotherappurtenancesofoffensivewar。
Ontheycame；mygunsandmenwerereadyforthem。Youwillaskhowmypieceswereloaded？Ianswer，thatthoughmygarrisonwerewithoutfood，Iknewmydutyasanofficer，andHADPUTTHETWO
DUTCHCHEESESINTOTHETWOGUNS，ANDHADCRAMMEDTHECONTENTSOFA
BOTTLEOFOLIVESINTOEACHSWIVEL。
Theyadvanced，——whish!wentoneoftheDutchcheeses，——bang!wenttheother。Alas!theydidlittleexecution。Intheirfirstcontactwithanopposingbody，theycertainlyflooredit；buttheybecameatoncelikesomuchWelsh—rabbit，anddidnoexecutionbeyondthemanwhomtheystruckdown。
"Hogree，pogree，wongree—fum（praisetoAllahandtheforty—nineImaums!）"shoutedouttheferociousLollMahommedwhenhesawthefailureofmyshot。"Onward，sonsoftheProphet!theinfidelhasnomoreammunition。AhundredthousandlakhsofrupeestothemanwhobringsmeGahagan’shead!"
Hismensetupashout，andrushedforward——he，todohimjustice，wasattheveryhead，urgingonhisownpalanquin—bearers，andpokingthemwiththetipofhisscimitar。Theycamepantingupthehill：Iwasblackwithrage，butitwasthecoldconcentratedrageofdespair。"Macgillicuddy，"saidI，callingthatfaithfulofficer，"youknowwherethebarrelsofpowderare？"Hedid。"Youknowtheusetomakeofthem？"Hedid。Hegraspedmyhand。
"Goliah，"saidhe，"farewell!Iswearthatthefortshallbeinatoms，assoonasyonderunbelievershavecarriedit。Oh，mypoormother!"addedthegallantyouth，assighing，yetfearless，heretiredtohispost。
Igaveonethoughttomyblessed，mybeautifulBelinda，andthen，steppingintothefront，tookdownoneoftheswivels；——ashowerofmatchlockballscamewhizzingroundmyhead。Ididnotheedthem。
Itooktheswivel，andaimedcoolly。LollMahommed，hispalanquin，andhismen，werenownotabovetwohundredyardsfromthefort。
Lollwasstraightbeforeme，gesticulatingandshoutingtohismen。
Ifired——bang!!!
Iaimedsotrue，thatONEHUNDREDANDSEVENTEENBESTSPANISHOLIVES
WERELODGEDINALUMPINTHEFACEOFTHEUNHAPPYLOLLMAHOMMED。
Thewretch，utteringayellthemosthideousandunearthlyIeverheard，fellbackdead；thefrightenedbearersflungdownthepalanquinandran——thewholehostranasoneman：theirscreamsmightbeheardforleagues。"Tomasha，tomasha，"theycried，"itisenchantment!"Awaytheyfled，andthevictoryathirdtimewasours。Soonasthefightwasdone，IflewbacktomyBelinda。Wehadeatennothingfortwenty—fourhours，butIforgothungerinthethoughtofoncemorebeholdingher!
ThesweetsoulturnedtowardsmewithasicklysmileasIentered，andalmostfaintedinmyarms；butalas!itwasnotlovewhichcausedinherbosomanemotionsostrong——itwashunger!"Oh!myGoliah，"whisperedshe，"forthreedaysIhavenottastedfood——I
couldnoteatthathorridelephantyesterday；butnow——oh!
Heaven!——"Shecouldsaynomore，butsankalmostlifelessonmyshoulder。Iadministeredtoheratriflingdramofrum，whichrevivedherforamoment，andthenrusheddownstairs，determinedthatifitwereapieceofmyownleg，sheshouldstillhavesomethingtosatisfyherhunger。LuckilyIrememberedthatthreeorfourelephantswerestilllyinginthefield，havingbeenkilledbyusinthefirstaction，twodaysbefore。Necessity，thoughtI，hasnolaw；myadorablegirlmusteatelephant，untilshecangetsomethingbetter。
Irushedintothecourtwherethemenwere，forthemostpart，assembled。"Men，"saidI，"ourlarderisempty；wemustfillitaswedidthedaybeforeyesterday。WhowillfollowGahaganonaforagingparty？"Iexpectedthat，asonformeroccasions，everymanwouldoffertoaccompanyme。
Tomyastonishment，notasoulmoved——amurmuraroseamongthetroops；andatlastoneoftheoldestandbravestcameforward。
"Captain，"hesaid，"itisofnouse；wecannotfeeduponelephantsforever；wehavenotagrainofpowderleft，andmustgiveupthefortwhentheattackismadeto—morrow。Wemayaswellbeprisonersnowasthen，andwewon’tgoelephant—huntinganymore。"
"Ruffian!"Isaid，"hewhofirsttalksofsurrender，dies!"andI
cuthimdown。"Isthereanyoneelsewhowishestospeak？"
Noonestirred。
"Cowards!miserablecowards!"shoutedI；"what，youdarenotmoveforfearofdeathatthehandsofthosewretcheswhoevennowfledbeforeyourarms——what，doIsayyourarms？——beforeMINE!——aloneI
didit；andasaloneIroutedthefoe，aloneIwillvictualthefortress!Ho!openthegate!"
Irushedout；notasinglemanwouldfollow。Thebodiesoftheelephantsthatwehadkilledstilllayonthegroundwheretheyhadfallen，aboutfourhundredyardsfromthefort。Idescendedcalmlythehill，averysteepone，andcomingtothespot，tookmypickoftheanimals，choosingatolerablysmallandplumpone，ofaboutthirteenfeethigh，whichthevultureshadrespected。Ithrewthisanimalovermyshoulders，andmadeforthefort。
AsImarcheduptheacclivity，whizz——piff——whirr!cametheballsovermyhead；andpitter—patter，pitter—patter!theyfellonthebodyoftheelephantlikedropsofrain。Theenemywerebehindme；
Iknewit，andquickenedmypace。Iheardthegallopoftheirhorse：theycamenearer，nearer；Iwaswithinahundredyardsofthefort——seventy——fifty!Istrainedeverynerve；Ipantedwiththesuperhumanexertion——Iran——couldamanrunveryfastwithsuchatremendousweightonhisshoulders？
Upcametheenemy；fiftyhorsemenwereshoutingandscreamingatmytail。OHeaven!fiveyardsmore——onemoment——andIamsaved。Itisdone——Istrainthelaststrain——Imakethelaststep——Iflingforwardmypreciousburdenintothegateopenedwidetoreceivemeandit，and——Ifall!Thegatethundersto，andIamleftontheoutside!Fiftyknivesaregleamingbeforemybloodshoteyes——fiftyblackhandsareatmythroat，whenavoiceexclaims，"Stop!——killhimnot，itisGujputi!"Afilmcameovermyeyes——exhaustednaturewouldbearnomore。
CHAPTERIX：SURPRISEOFFUTTYGHUR
WhenIawokefromthetranceintowhichIhadfallen，Ifoundmyselfinabath，surroundedbyinnumerableblackfaces；andaHindoopothukoor（whenceourwordapothecary）feelingmypulseandlookingatmewithanairofsagacity。
"WhereamI？"Iexclaimed，lookingroundandexaminingthestrangefaces，andthestrangeapartmentwhichmetmyview。"Bekhusm!"
saidtheapothecary。"Silence!GahaganSahibisinthehandsofthosewhoknowhisvalour，andwillsavehislife。"
"Knowmyvalour，slave？Ofcourseyoudo，"saidI；"butthefort——
thegarrison——theelephant——Belinda，mylove——mydarling——
Macgillicuddy——thescoundrellymutineers——thedealbo—"
Icouldsaynomore；thepainfulrecollectionspressedsoheavilyuponmypoorshatteredmindandframe，thatbothfailedoncemore。
Ifaintedagain，andIknownothowlongIlayinsensible。
Again，however，Icametomysenses：thepothukoorappliedrestoratives，andafteraslumberofsomehoursIawoke，muchrefreshed。Ihadnowound；myrepeatedswoonshadbeenbroughton（asindeedwelltheymight）bymygiganticeffortsincarryingtheelephantupasteephillaquarterofamileinlength。Walking，thetaskisbadenough：butrunning，itisthedeuce；andIwouldrecommendanyofmyreaderswhomaybedisposedtotryandcarryadeadelephant，never，onanyaccount，togoapaceofmorethanfivemilesanhour。
ScarcelywasIawake，whenIheardtheclashofarmsatmydoor（plainlyindicatingthatsentinelswerepostedthere），andasingleoldgentleman，richlyhabited，enteredtheroom。Didmyeyesdeceiveme？Ihadsurelyseenhimbefore。No——yes——no——yes——itwashe：thesnowywhitebeard，themildeyes，thenoseflattenedtoajelly，andlevelwiththerestofthevenerableface，proclaimedhimatoncetobe——SaadutAleeBegBimbukchee，Holkar’sPrimeVizier；whosenose，asthereadermayrecollect，hisHighnesshadflattenedwithhiskaleawnduringmyinterviewwithhiminthePitan’sdisguise。Inowknewmyfatebuttoowell——IwasinthehandsofHolkar。
SaadutAleeBegBimbukcheeslowlyadvancedtowardsme，andwithamildairofbenevolencewhichdistinguishedthatexcellentman（hewastorntopiecesbywildhorsestheyearafter，onaccountofadifferencewithHolkar），hecametomybedsideand，takinggentlymyhand，said，"Lifeanddeath，myson，arenotours。Strengthisdeceitful，valourisunavailing，fameisonlywind——thenightingalesingsoftheroseallnight——whereistheroseinthemorning？
Booch，booch!itiswitheredbyafrost。Therosemakesremarksregardingthenightingale，andwhereisthatdelightfulsong—bird？
Pena—bekhoda，heisnetted，plucked，spitted，androasted!Whoknowshowmisfortunecomes？IthascometoGahaganGujputi!"
"Itiswell，"saidI，stoutly，andintheMalaylanguage。"GahaganGujputiwillbearitlikeaman。"
"Nodoubt——likeawisemanandabraveone；butthereisnolanesolongtowhichthereisnotaturning，nonightsoblacktowhichtherecomesnotamorning。Icywinterisfollowedbymerryspringtime——griefisoftensucceededbyjoy。"
"Interpret，Oriddler!"saidI；"GahaganKhanisnoreaderofpuzzles——nopratingmollah。Gujputilovesnotwords，butswords。"
"Listenthen，OGujputi：youareinHolkar’spower。"
"Iknowit。"
"Youwilldiebythemosthorribletorturesto—morrowmorning。"
"Idaresay。"
"Theywilltearyourteethfromyourjaws，yournailsfromyourfingers，andyoureyesfromyourhead。"
"Verypossibly。"
"Theywillflayyoualive，andthenburnyou。"
"Well；theycan’tdoanymore。"
"Theywillseizeuponeverymanandwomaninyonderfort"——itwasnotthentaken!——"andrepeatuponthemthesametortures。"
"Ha!Belinda!Speak——howcanallthisbeavoided？"
"Listen。Gahaganlovesthemoon—facecalledBelinda。"
"Hedoes，Vizier，todistraction。"
"OfwhatrankisheintheKoompani’sarmy？"
"Acaptain。"
"Amiserablecaptain——oh，shame!Ofwhatcreedishe？"
"IamanIrishman，andaCatholic。"
"Buthehasnotbeenveryparticularabouthisreligiousduties？"
"Alas，no!"
"Hehasnotbeentohismosqueforthesetwelveyears？"
"’Tistootrue。"
"Hearkennow，GahaganKhan。HisHighnessPrinceHolkarhassentmetothee。Youshallhavethemoon—faceforyourwife——yoursecondwife，thatis；——thefirstshallbetheincomparablePutteeRooge，wholovesyoutomadness；——withPutteeRooge，whoisthewife，youshallhavethewealthandrankofBobbachyBahawder，ofwhomhisHighnessintendstogetrid。YoushallbesecondincommandofhisHighness’sforces。Look，hereishiscommissionsignedwiththecelestialseal，andattestedbythesacrednamesoftheforty—nineImaums。Youhavebuttorenounceyourreligionandyourservice，andalltheserewardsareyours。"
Heproducedaparchment，signedashesaid，andgaveittome（itwasbeautifullywritteninIndianink：Ihaditforfourteenyears，butarascallyvalet，seeingitverydirty，washedit，forsooth，andwashedoffeverybitofthewriting）。Itookitcalmly，andsaid，"Thisisatemptingoffer。OVizier，howlongwiltthougivemetoconsiderofit？"
Afteralongparley，heallowedmesixhours，whenIpromisedtogivehimananswer。Mymind，however，wasmadeup——assoonashewasgone，Ithrewmyselfonthesofaandfellasleep。
***
AttheendofthesixhourstheViziercameback：twopeoplewerewithhim；one，byhismartialappearance，IknewtobeHolkar，theotherIdidnotrecognise。Itwasaboutmidnight。
"Haveyouconsidered？"saidtheVizier，ashecametomycouch。
"Ihave，"saidI，sittingup，——Icouldnotstand，formylegsweretied，andmyarmsfixedinaneatpairofsteelhandcuffs。"I
have，"saidI，"unbelievingdogs!Ihave。DoyouthinktopervertaChristiangentlemanfromhisfaithandhonour？Ruffianblackamoors!doyourworst；heaptorturesonthisbody，theycannotlastlong。Tearmetopieces：afteryouhavetornmeintoacertainnumberofpieces，Ishallnotfeelit；andifIdid，ifeachtorturecouldlastalife，ifeachlimbweretofeeltheagoniesofawholebody，whatthen？Iwouldbearall——all——all——
all——all——ALL!"Mybreastheaved——myformdilated——myeyeflashedasIspokethesewords。"Tyrants!"saidI，"dulceetdecorumestpropatriamori。"Havingthusclinchedtheargument，Iwassilent。
Thevenerable。GrandVizierturnedaway；Isawateartricklingdownhischeeks。
"Whataconstancy!"saidhe。"Oh，thatsuchbeautyandsuchbraveryshouldbedoomedsosoontoquittheearth!"
Histallcompaniononlysneeredandsaid，"ANDBELINDA——？"
"Ha!"saidI，"ruffian，bestill!——Heavenwillprotectherspotlessinnocence。Holkar，Iknowthee，andthouknowestmetoo!Who，withhissinglesword，destroyedthyarmies？Who，withhispistol，cleftintwainthynose—ring？Whoslewthygenerals？Whoslewthyelephants？Threehundredmightybeastswentforthtobattle：oftheseIslewonehundredandthirty—five!Dog，coward，ruffian，tyrant，unbeliever!Gahaganhatesthee，spurnsthee，spitsonthee!"
Holkar，asImadetheseuncomplimentaryremarks，gaveascreamofrage，and，drawinghisscimitar，rushedontodespatchmeatonce（itwastheverythingIwishedfor），whenthethirdpersonsprangforwardand，seizinghisarm，cried—
"Papa!oh，savehim!"ItwasPutteeRooge!"Remember，"continuedshe，"hismisfortunes——remember，oh，remembermy——love!"——andheresheblushed，andputtingonefingerintohermouth，andhangingdownherhead，lookedtheverypictureofmodestaffection。
Holkarsulkilysheathedhisscimitar，andmuttered，"’Tisbetterasitis；hadIkilledhimnow，Ihadsparedhimthetorture。Noneofthisshamelessfooling，PutteeRooge，"continuedthetyrant，draggingheraway。"CaptainGahagandiesthreehoursfromhence。"
PutteeRoogegaveonescreamandfainted——herfatherandtheViziercarriedheroffbetweenthem；norwasIlothtopartwithher，for，withallherlove，shewasasuglyasthedeuce。
Theyweregone——myfatewasdecided。Ihadbutthreehoursmoreoflife：soIflungmyselfagainonthesofa，andfellprofoundlyasleep。Asitmayhappentoanyofmyreaderstobeinthesamesituation，andtobehangedthemselves，letmeearnestlyentreatthemtoadoptthisplanofgoingtosleep，whichIformyparthaverepeatedlyfoundtobesuccessful。Itsavesunnecessaryannoyance，itpassesawayagreatdealofunpleasanttime，anditpreparesonetomeetlikeamanthecomingcatastrophe。
***
Threeo’clockcame：thesunwasatthistimemakinghisappearanceintheheavens，andwithitcametheguards，whowereappointedtoconductmetothetorture。Iwoke，rose，wascarriedout，andwassetontheverywhitedonkeyonwhichLollMahommedwasconductedthroughthecampafterhewasbastinadoed。BobbachyBahawderrodebehindme，restoredtohisrankandstate；troopsofcavalryhemmedusinonallsides；myasswasconductedbythecommonexecutioner：
acrierwentforward，shoutingout，"Makewayforthedestroyerofthefaithful——hegoestobearthepunishmentofhiscrimes。"Wecametothefatalplain：itwastheveryspotwhenceIhadborneawaytheelephant，andinfullsightofthefort。Ilookedtowardsit。ThankHeaven!KingGeorge’sbannerwavedonitstill——acrowdweregatheredonthewalls——themen，thedastardswhohaddesertedme——andwomen，too。AmongthelatterIthoughtIdistinguishedONE
who——Ogods!thethoughtturnedmesick——Itrembledandlookedpaleforthefirsttime。
"Hetrembles!heturnspale，"shoutedoutBobbachyBahawder，ferociouslyexultingoverhisconqueredenemy。
"Dog!"shoutedI——（Iwassittingwithmyheadtothedonkey’stail，andsolookedtheBobbachyfullintheface）——"notsopaleasyoulookedwhenIfelledyouwiththisarm——notsopaleasyourwomenlookedwhenIenteredyourharem!"Completelychop—fallen，theIndianruffianwassilent：atanyrate，IhaddoneforHIM。
Wearrivedattheplaceofexecution。Astake，acoupleoffeetthickandeighthigh，wasdriveninthegrass：roundthestake，aboutsevenfeetfromtheground，wasanironring，towhichwereattachedtwofetters；inthesemywristswereplaced。Twoorthreeexecutionersstoodnear，withstrange—lookinginstruments：otherswereblowingatafire，overwhichwasacauldron，andintheemberswerestuckprongsandotherinstrumentsofiron。
Thecriercameforwardandreadmysentence。ItwasthesameineffectasthatwhichhadbeenhintedtomethedaypreviousbytheGrandVizier。IconfessIwastooagitatedtocatcheverywordthatwasspoken。
Holkarhimself，onatalldromedary，wasatalittledistance。TheGrandViziercameuptome——itwashisdutytostandby，andseethepunishmentperformed。"Itisyettime!"saidhe。
Inoddedmyhead，butdidnotanswer。
TheViziercastuptoheavenalookofinexpressibleanguish，andwithavoicechokingwithemotion，said，"EXECUTIONER——DO——YOUR——
DUTY!"
Thehorridmanadvanced——hewhisperedsulkilyintheearsoftheGrandVizier，"Gugglykaghee，humkhedgeree，"saidhe，"THEOIL
DOESNOTBOILYET——waitoneminute。"Theassistantsblew，thefireblazed，theoilwasheated。TheVizierdrewafewfeetaside：
takingalargeladlefulloftheboilingliquid，headvanced—
***
"Whish!bang，bang!pop!"theexecutionerwasdeadatmyfeet，shotthroughthehead；theladleofscaldingoilhadbeendashedinthefaceoftheunhappyGrandVizier，wholayontheplain，howling。
"Whish!bang!pop!Hurrah!——charge!——forwards!——cutthemdown!——noquarter!"
Isaw——yes，no，yes，no，yes!——IsawregimentuponregimentofgallopingBritishhorsemenridingovertheranksoftheflyingnatives。Firstofthehost，Irecognised，OHeaven!myAHMEDNUGGAR
IRREGULARS!Oncamethegallantlineofblacksteedsandhorsemen；
swiftswiftbeforethemrodemyofficersinyellow——Glogger，Pappendick，andStuffle；theirsabresgleamedinthesun，theirvoicesrungintheair。"D—them!"theycried，"giveitthem，boys!"Astrengthsupernaturalthrilledthroughmyveinsatthatdeliciousmusic：byonetremendouseffort，Iwrestedthepostfromitsfoundation，fivefeetintheground。Icouldnotreleasemyhandsfromthefetters，itistrue；but，graspingthebeamtightly，Isprungforward——withoneblowIlevelledthefiveexecutionersinthemidstofthefire，theirfallupsettingthescaldingoil—can；
withthenext，IsweptthebearersofBobbachy’spalanquinofftheirlegs；withthethird，Icaughtthatchiefhimselfinthesmalloftheback，andsenthimflyingontothesabresofmyadvancingsoldiers!
Thenextminute，GloggerandStufflewereinmyarms，PappendickleadingontheIrregulars。Friendandfoeinthatwildchasehadsweptfaraway。Wewerealone：Iwasfreedfrommyimmensebar；
andtenminutesafterwards，whenLordLaketrottedupwithhisstaff，hefoundmesittingonit。
"LookatGahagan，"saidhisLordship。"Gentlemen，didInottellyouweshouldbesuretofindhimATHISPOST？"
Thegallantoldnoblemanrodeon：andthiswasthefamousBATTLE
OFFURRUCKABAD，orSURPRISEOFFUTTYGHUR，foughtonthe17thofNovember，1804。
***
Aboutamonthafterwards，thefollowingannouncementappearedintheBoggleywollahHurkaruandotherIndianpapers：—
"Married，onthe25thofDecember，atFuttyghur，bytheRev。Dr。
Snorter，CaptainGoliahO’GradyGahagan，CommandingIrregularHorse，Ahmednuggar，toBelinda，seconddaughterofMajor—GeneralBulcher，C。B。HisExcellencytheCommander—in—Chiefgaveawaythebride；and，afterasplendiddejeuner，thehappypairsetofftopasstheMangoseasonatHurrygurrybang。Venusmustrecollect，however，thatMarsmustnotalwaysbeatherside。TheIrregularsarenothingwithouttheirleader。"
Suchwastheparagraph——suchtheevent——thehappiestintheexistenceofG。O’G。G。，M。H。E。I。C。S。，C。I。H。A。
Footnotes：
{1}Soadmirablearetheperformancesofthesewatches，whichwillstandinanyclimate，thatIrepeatedlyheardpoorMacgillicuddyrelatethefollowingfact。Thehours，asitisknown，countinItalyfromonetotwenty—four：THEDAYMACLANDEDATNAPLESHIS
REPEATERRUNGTHEITALIANHOURS，FROMONETOTWENTY—FOUR；assoonashecrossedtheAlpsitonlysoundedasusual。——G。O’G。G。
{2}InmyaffairwithMacgillicuddy，Iwasfoolenoughtogooutwithsmallswords：—miserableweapons，onlyfitfortailors。——G。
O’G。G。
{3}TheMajorcertainlyofferedtoleaveanoldsnuff—boxatMr。
Cunningham’soffice；butitcontainednoextractfromanewspaper，anddoesnotquiteprovethathekilledarhinocerosandstormedfourteenentrenchmentsatthesiegeofAllyghur。
{4}Thedouble—jointedcamelofBactria，whichtheclassicreadermayrecollectismentionedbySuidas（inhisCommentaryontheFlightofDarius），issocalledbytheMahrattas。
{5}ThereissometriflinginconsistencyontheMajor’spart。
ShahAllumwasnotoriouslyblind：how，then，couldhehaveseenGahagan？Thethingismanifestlyimpossible。
{6}Idonotwishtobragofmystyleofwriting，ortopretendthatmygeniusasawriterhasnotbeenequalledinformertimes；
butif，intheworksofByron，Scott，Goethe，orVictorHugo，thereadercanfindamorebeautifulsentencethantheabove，Iwillbeobligedtohim，thatisall——Isimplysay，Iwillbeobligedtohim。——G。O’G。G。，M。H。E。I。C。S。，C。I。H。A。
{7}TheMajorhasputthemostapprovedlanguageintothemouthsofhisIndiancharacters。Bismillah，Barikallah，andsoon，accordingtothenovelists，formtheveryessenceofEasternconversation。