SHESTOOPSTOCONQUER；
　　OR，THEMISTAKESOFANIGHT。
　　ACOMEDY。
　　ToSAMUELJOHNSON，LL。D。
　　DearSir，——Byinscribingthisslightperformancetoyou，Idonotmeansomuchtocomplimentyouasmyself。Itmaydomesomehonourtoinformthepublic，thatIhavelivedmanyyearsinintimacywithyou。
　　Itmayservetheinterestsofmankindalsotoinformthem，thatthegreatestwitmaybefoundinacharacter，withoutimpairingthemostunaffectedpiety。
　　Ihave，particularly，reasontothankyouforyourpartialitytothisperformance。Theundertakingacomedynotmerelysentimentalwasverydangerous；andMr。Colman，whosawthispieceinitsvariousstages，alwaysthoughtitso。However，Iventuredtotrustittothepublic；
　　and，thoughitwasnecessarilydelayedtilllateintheseason，Ihaveeveryreasontobegrateful。
　　Iam，dearSir，yourmostsincerefriendandadmirer，OLIVERGOLDSMITH。
　　PROLOGUE，BYDAVIDGARRICK，ESQ。
　　EnterMR。WOODWARD，dressedinblack，andholdingahandkerchieftohiseyes。
　　Excuseme，sirs，Ipray——Ican’tyetspeak——
　　I’mcryingnow——andhavebeenalltheweek。
　　"’Tisnotalonethismourningsuit，"goodmasters：
　　"I’vethatwithin"——forwhichtherearenoplasters!
　　Pray，wouldyouknowthereasonwhyI’mcrying？
　　TheComicMuse，longsick，isnowa—dying!
　　Andifshegoes，mytearswillneverstop；
　　Forasaplayer，Ican’tsqueezeoutonedrop：
　　Iamundone，that’sall——shalllosemybread——
　　I’drather，butthat’snothing——losemyhead。
　　Whenthesweetmaidislaiduponthebier，ShuterandIshallbechiefmournershere。
　　Toheramawkishdrabofspuriousbreed，Whodealsinsentimentals，willsucceed!
　　PoorNedandIaredeadtoallintents；
　　WecanassoonspeakGreekassentiments!
　　Bothnervousgrown，tokeepourspiritsup。
　　Wenowandthentakedownaheartycup。
　　Whatshallwedo？IfComedyforsakeus，They’llturnusout，andnooneelsewilltakeus。
　　Butwhycan’tIbemoral？——Letmetry——
　　Myheartthuspressing——fixedmyfaceandeye——
　　Withasententiouslook，thatnothingmeans，（Facesareblocksinsentimentalscenes）
　　ThusIbegin："Allisnotgoldthatglitters，"Pleasureseemssweet，butprovesaglassofbitters。
　　"WhenIgnoranceenters，Follyisathand：
　　"Learningisbetterfarthanhouseandland。
　　"Letnotyourvirtuetrip；whotripsmaystumble，"Andvirtueisnotvirtue，ifshetumble。"
　　Igiveitup——moralswon’tdoforme；
　　Tomakeyoulaugh，Imustplaytragedy。
　　Onehoperemains——hearingthemaidwasill，ADoctorcomesthisnighttoshowhisskill。
　　Tocheerherheart，andgiveyourmusclesmotion，He，inFiveDraughtsprepar’d，presentsapotion：
　　Akindofmagiccharm——forbeassur’d，Ifyouwillswallowit，themaidiscur’d：
　　ButdesperatetheDoctor，andhercaseis，Ifyourejectthedose，andmakewryfaces!
　　Thistruthheboasts，willboastitwhilehelives，Nopoisonousdrugsaremixedinwhathegives。
　　Shouldhesucceed，you’llgivehimhisdegree；
　　Ifnot，withinhewillreceivenofee!
　　TheCollegeYOU，musthispretensionsback，PronouncehimRegular，ordubhimQuack。
　　DRAMATISPERSONAE。
　　MEN。
　　SIRCHARLESMARLOWMr。Gardner。
　　YOUNGMARLOW（HisSon）Mr。LeeLewes。
　　HARDCASTLEMr。Shuter。
　　HASTINGSMr。Dubellamy。
　　TONYLUMPKINMr。Quick。
　　DIGGORYMr。Saunders。
　　WOMEN。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLEMrs。Green。
　　MISSHARDCASTLEMrs。Bulkley。
　　MISSNEVILLEMrs。Kniveton。
　　MAIDMissWilliams。
　　LANDLORD，SERVANTS，Etc。Etc。
　　ACTTHEFIRST。
　　SCENE——AChamberinanold—fashionedHouse。
　　EnterMRS。HARDCASTLEandMR。HARDCASTLE。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Ivow，Mr。Hardcastle，you’reveryparticular。Isthereacreatureinthewholecountrybutourselves，thatdoesnottakeatriptotownnowandthen，torubofftherustalittle？There’sthetwoMissHoggs，andourneighbourMrs。Grigsby，gototakeamonth’spolishingeverywinter。
　　HARDCASTLE。Ay，andbringbackvanityandaffectationtolastthemthewholeyear。IwonderwhyLondoncannotkeepitsownfoolsathome!Inmytime，thefolliesofthetowncreptslowlyamongus，butnowtheytravelfasterthanastage—coach。Itsfopperiescomedownnotonlyasinsidepassengers，butintheverybasket。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Ay，yourtimeswerefinetimesindeed；youhavebeentellingusofthemformanyalongyear。Hereweliveinanoldrumblingmansion，thatlooksforalltheworldlikeaninn，butthatweneverseecompany。OurbestvisitorsareoldMrs。Oddfish，thecurate’swife，andlittleCripplegate，thelamedancing—master；andallourentertainmentyouroldstoriesofPrinceEugeneandtheDukeofMarlborough。Ihatesuchold—fashionedtrumpery。
　　HARDCASTLE。AndIloveit。Iloveeverythingthat’sold：oldfriends，oldtimes，oldmanners，oldbooks，oldwine；andIbelieve，Dorothy（takingherhand），you’llownIhavebeenprettyfondofanoldwife。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Lord，Mr。Hardcastle，you’reforeveratyourDorothysandyouroldwifes。YoumaybeaDarby，butI’llbenoJoan，Ipromiseyou。I’mnotsooldasyou’dmakeme，bymorethanonegoodyear。Addtwentytotwenty，andmakemoneyofthat。
　　HARDCASTLE。Letmesee；twentyaddedtotwentymakesjustfiftyandseven。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。It’sfalse，Mr。Hardcastle；IwasbuttwentywhenI
　　wasbroughttobedofTony，thatIhadbyMr。Lumpkin，myfirsthusband；andhe’snotcometoyearsofdiscretionyet。
　　HARDCASTLE。Noreverwill，Idareanswerforhim。Ay，youhavetaughthimfinely。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Nomatter。TonyLumpkinhasagoodfortune。Mysonisnottolivebyhislearning。Idon’tthinkaboywantsmuchlearningtospendfifteenhundredayear。
　　HARDCASTLE。Learning，quotha!amerecompositionoftricksandmischief。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Humour，mydear；nothingbuthumour。Come，Mr。
　　Hardcastle，youmustallowtheboyalittlehumour。
　　HARDCASTLE。I’dsoonerallowhimahorse—pond。Ifburningthefootmen’sshoes，frighteningthemaids，andworryingthekittensbehumour，hehasit。Itwasbutyesterdayhefastenedmywigtothebackofmychair，andwhenIwenttomakeabow，IpoptmybaldheadinMrs。
　　Frizzle’sface。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。AndamItoblame？Thepoorboywasalwaystoosicklytodoanygood。Aschoolwouldbehisdeath。Whenhecomestobealittlestronger，whoknowswhatayearortwo’sLatinmaydoforhim？
　　HARDCASTLE。Latinforhim!Acatandfiddle。No，no；thealehouseandthestablearetheonlyschoolshe’llevergoto。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Well，wemustnotsnubthepoorboynow，forI
　　believeweshan’thavehimlongamongus。Anybodythatlooksinhisfacemayseehe’sconsumptive。
　　HARDCASTLE。Ay，ifgrowingtoofatbeoneofthesymptoms。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Hecoughssometimes。
　　HARDCASTLE。Yes，whenhisliquorgoesthewrongway。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。I’mactuallyafraidofhislungs。
　　HARDCASTLE。AndtrulysoamI；forhesometimeswhoopslikeaspeakingtrumpet——（Tonyhallooingbehindthescenes）——O，therehegoes——averyconsumptivefigure，truly。
　　EnterTONY，crossingthestage。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Tony，whereareyougoing，mycharmer？Won’tyougivepapaandIalittleofyourcompany，lovee？
　　TONY。I’minhaste，mother；Icannotstay。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Youshan’tventureoutthisrawevening，mydear；youlookmostshockingly。
　　TONY。Ican’tstay，Itellyou。TheThreePigeonsexpectsmedowneverymoment。There’ssomefungoingforward。
　　HARDCASTLE。Ay；thealehouse，theoldplace：Ithoughtso。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Alow，paltrysetoffellows。
　　TONY。Notsolow，neither。There’sDickMugginstheexciseman，JackSlangthehorsedoctor，LittleAminadabthatgrindsthemusicbox，andTomTwistthatspinsthepewterplatter。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Pray，mydear，disappointthemforonenightatleast。
　　TONY。Asfordisappointingthem，Ishouldnotsomuchmind；butI
　　can’tabidetodisappointmyself。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。（detaininghim。）Youshan’tgo。
　　TONY。Iwill，Itellyou。
　　MRS。HARDCASTLE。Isayyoushan’t。
　　TONY。We’llseewhichisstrongest，youorI。[Exit，haulingherout。]
　　HARDCASTLE。（solus。）Ay，theregoesapairthatonlyspoileachother。Butisnotthewholeageinacombinationtodrivesenseanddiscretionoutofdoors？There’smyprettydarlingKate!thefashionsofthetimeshavealmostinfectedhertoo。Bylivingayearortwointown，sheisasfondofgauzeandFrenchfripperyasthebestofthem。
　　EnterMISSHARDCASTLE。
　　HARDCASTLE。Blessingsonmyprettyinnocence!drestoutasusual，myKate。Goodness!Whataquantityofsuperfluoussilkhastthougotaboutthee，girl!Icouldneverteachthefoolsofthisage，thattheindigentworldcouldbeclothedoutofthetrimmingsofthevain。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Youknowouragreement，sir。Youallowmethemorningtoreceiveandpayvisits，andtodressinmyownmanner；andintheeveningIputonmyhousewife’sdresstopleaseyou。
　　HARDCASTLE。Well，remember，Iinsistonthetermsofouragreement；
　　and，bythebye，IbelieveIshallhaveoccasiontotryyourobediencethisveryevening。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Iprotest，sir，Idon’tcomprehendyourmeaning。
　　HARDCASTLE。Thentobeplainwithyou，Kate，IexpecttheyounggentlemanIhavechosentobeyourhusbandfromtownthisveryday。I
　　havehisfather’sletter，inwhichheinformsmehissonissetout，andthatheintendstofollowhimselfshortlyafter。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Indeed!IwishIhadknownsomethingofthisbefore。Blessme，howshallIbehave？It’sathousandtooneI
　　shan’tlikehim；ourmeetingwillbesoformal，andsolikeathingofbusiness，thatIshallfindnoroomforfriendshiporesteem。
　　HARDCASTLE。Dependuponit，child，I’llnevercontrolyourchoice；butMr。Marlow，whomIhavepitchedupon，isthesonofmyoldfriend，SirCharlesMarlow，ofwhomyouhaveheardmetalksooften。Theyounggentlemanhasbeenbredascholar，andisdesignedforanemploymentintheserviceofhiscountry。Iamtoldhe’samanofanexcellentunderstanding。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Ishe？
　　HARDCASTLE。Verygenerous。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。IbelieveIshalllikehim。
　　HARDCASTLE。Youngandbrave。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。I’msureIshalllikehim。
　　HARDCASTLE。Andveryhandsome。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Mydearpapa，saynomore，（kissinghishand），he’smine；I’llhavehim。
　　HARDCASTLE。And，tocrownall，Kate，he’soneofthemostbashfulandreservedyoungfellowsinalltheworld。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Eh!youhavefrozenmetodeathagain。ThatwordRESERVEDhasundonealltherestofhisaccomplishments。Areservedlover，itissaid，alwaysmakesasuspicioushusband。
　　HARDCASTLE。Onthecontrary，modestyseldomresidesinabreastthatisnotenrichedwithnoblervirtues。Itwastheveryfeatureinhischaracterthatfirststruckme。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Hemusthavemorestrikingfeaturestocatchme，I
　　promiseyou。However，ifhebesoyoung，sohandsome，andsoeverythingasyoumention，Ibelievehe’lldostill。IthinkI’llhavehim。
　　HARDCASTLE。Ay，Kate，butthereisstillanobstacle。It’smorethananevenwagerhemaynothaveyou。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Mydearpapa，whywillyoumortifyoneso？——Well，ifherefuses，insteadofbreakingmyheartathisindifference，I’llonlybreakmyglassforitsflattery，setmycaptosomenewerfashion，andlookoutforsomelessdifficultadmirer。
　　HARDCASTLE。Bravelyresolved!InthemeantimeI’llgopreparetheservantsforhisreception：asweseldomseecompany，theywantasmuchtrainingasacompanyofrecruitsthefirstday’smuster。[Exit。]
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。（Alone）。Lud，thisnewsofpapa’sputsmeallinaflutter。Young，handsome：theseheputlast；butIputthemforemost。
　　Sensible，good—natured；Ilikeallthat。Butthenreservedandsheepish；that’smuchagainsthim。Yetcan’thebecuredofhistimidity，bybeingtaughttobeproudofhiswife？Yes，andcan’tI——ButIvowI’mdisposingofthehusbandbeforeIhavesecuredthelover。
　　EnterMISSNEVILLE。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。I’mgladyou’recome，Neville，mydear。Tellme，Constance，howdoIlookthisevening？Isthereanythingwhimsicalaboutme？Isitoneofmywell—lookingdays，child？AmIinfaceto—day？
　　MISSNEVILLE。Perfectly，mydear。YetnowIlookagain——blessme!——surenoaccidenthashappenedamongthecanarybirdsorthegoldfishes。Hasyourbrotherorthecatbeenmeddling？orhasthelastnovelbeentoomoving？
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。No；nothingofallthis。Ihavebeenthreatened——I
　　canscarcegetitout——Ihavebeenthreatenedwithalover。
　　MISSNEVILLE。Andhisname——
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。IsMarlow。
　　MISSNEVILLE。Indeed!
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。ThesonofSirCharlesMarlow。
　　MISSNEVILLE。AsIlive，themostintimatefriendofMr。Hastings，myadmirer。Theyareneverasunder。Ibelieveyoumusthaveseenhimwhenwelivedintown。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Never。
　　MISSNEVILLE。He’saverysingularcharacter，Iassureyou。Amongwomenofreputationandvirtueheisthemodestestmanalive；buthisacquaintancegivehimaverydifferentcharacteramongcreaturesofanotherstamp：youunderstandme。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Anoddcharacterindeed。Ishallneverbeabletomanagehim。WhatshallIdo？Pshaw，thinknomoreofhim，buttrusttooccurrencesforsuccess。Buthowgoesonyourownaffair，mydear？
　　hasmymotherbeencourtingyouformybrotherTonyasusual？
　　MISSNEVILLE。Ihavejustcomefromoneofouragreeabletete—a—tetes。Shehasbeensayingahundredtenderthings，andsettingoffherprettymonsterastheverypinkofperfection。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Andherpartialityissuch，thatsheactuallythinkshimso。Afortunelikeyoursisnosmalltemptation。Besides，asshehasthesolemanagementofit，I’mnotsurprisedtoseeherunwillingtoletitgooutofthefamily。
　　MISSNEVILLE。Afortunelikemine，whichchieflyconsistsinjewels，isnosuchmightytemptation。Butatanyrate，ifmydearHastingsbebutconstant，Imakenodoubttobetoohardforheratlast。However，IlethersupposethatIaminlovewithherson；andsheneveroncedreamsthatmyaffectionsarefixeduponanother。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。Mygoodbrotherholdsoutstoutly。Icouldalmostlovehimforhatingyouso。
　　MISSNEVILLE。Itisagood—naturedcreatureatbottom，andI’msurewouldwishtoseememarriedtoanybodybuthimself。Butmyaunt’sbellringsforourafternoon’swalkroundtheimprovements。Allons!
　　Courageisnecessary，asouraffairsarecritical。
　　MISSHARDCASTLE。"Woulditwerebed—time，andallwerewell。"
　　[Exeunt。]
　　SCENE——AnAlehouseRoom。SeveralshabbyFellowswithpunchandtobacco。TONYattheheadofthetable，alittlehigherthantherest，amalletinhishand。
　　OMNES。Hurrea!hurrea!hurrea!bravo!
　　FIRSTFELLOWNow，gentlemen，silenceforasong。The’squireisgoingtoknockhimselfdownforasong。
　　OMNES。Ay，asong，asong!
　　TONY。ThenI’llsingyou，gentlemen，asongImadeuponthisalehouse，theThreePigeons。
　　SONG。
　　LetschoolmasterspuzzletheirbrainWithgrammar，andnonsense，andlearning，Goodliquor，Istoutlymaintain，GivesGENUSabetterdiscerning。
　　Letthembragoftheirheathenishgods，TheirLethes，theirStyxes，andStygians，TheirQuis，andtheirQuaes，andtheirQuods，They’reallbutaparcelofPigeons。
　　Toroddle，toroddle，toroll。
　　Whenmethodistpreacherscomedown，A—preachingthatdrinkingissinful，I’llwagertherascalsacrown，Theyalwayspreachbestwithaskinful。
　　Butwhenyoucomedownwithyourpence，Forasliceoftheirscurvyreligion，I’llleaveittoallmenofsense，Butyou，mygoodfriend，arethePigeon。
　　Toroddle，toroddle，toroll。
　　Thencome，putthejorumabout，Andletusbemerryandclever，Ourheartsandourliquorsarestout，Here’stheThreeJollyPigeonsforever。
　　Letsomecryupwoodcockorhare，Yourbustards，yourducks，andyourwidgeons；
　　ButofalltheGAYbirdsintheair，Here’sahealthtotheThreeJollyPigeons。
　　Toroddle，toroddle，toroll。
　　OMNES。Bravo，bravo!
　　FIRSTFELLOW。The’squirehasgotspunkinhim。
　　SECONDFELLOW。Ilovestohearhimsing，bekeayshenevergivesusnothingthat’slow。
　　THIRDFELLOW。Odamnanythingthat’slow，Icannotbearit。
　　FOURTHFELLOW。Thegenteelthingisthegenteelthinganytime：ifsobethatagentlemanbeesinaconcatenationaccordingly。
　　THIRDFELLOW。Ilikesthemaxumofit，MasterMuggins。What，thoughI
　　amobligatedtodanceabear，amanmaybeagentlemanforallthat。
　　Maythisbemypoison，ifmybeareverdancesbuttotheverygenteelestoftunes；"WaterParted，"or"TheminuetinAriadne。"
　　SECONDFELLOW。Whatapityitisthe’squireisnotcometohisown。
　　Itwouldbewellforallthepublicanswithintenmilesroundofhim。
　　TONY。Ecod，andsoitwould，MasterSlang。I’dthenshowwhatitwastokeepchoiceofcompany。
　　SECONDFELLOW。Ohetakesafterhisownfatherforthat。Tobesureold’SquireLumpkinwasthefinestgentlemanIeversetmyeyeson。
　　Forwindingthestraighthorn，orbeatingathicketforahare，orawench，heneverhadhisfellow。Itwasasayingintheplace，thathekeptthebesthorses，dogs，andgirls，inthewholecounty。
　　TONY。Ecod，andwhenI’mofage，I’llbenobastard，Ipromiseyou。I
　　havebeenthinkingofBetBouncerandthemiller’sgreymaretobeginwith。Butcome，myboys，drinkaboutandbemerry，foryoupaynoreckoning。Well，Stingo，what’sthematter？
　　EnterLandlord。
　　LANDLORD。Therebetwogentlemeninapost—chaiseatthedoor。Theyhavelosttheirwayupo’theforest；andtheyaretalkingsomethingaboutMr。Hardcastle。
　　TONY。Assureascanbe，oneofthemmustbethegentlemanthat’scomingdowntocourtmysister。DotheyseemtobeLondoners？
　　LANDLORD。Ibelievetheymay。TheylookwoundilylikeFrenchmen。
　　TONY。Thendesirethemtostepthisway，andI’llsetthemrightinatwinkling。（ExitLandlord。）Gentlemen，astheymayn’tbegoodenoughcompanyforyou，stepdownforamoment，andI’llbewithyouinthesqueezingofalemon。[Exeuntmob。]
　　TONY。（solus）。Father—in—lawhasbeencallingmewhelpandhoundthishalfyear。Now，ifIpleased，Icouldbesorevengedupontheoldgrumbletonian。ButthenI’mafraid——afraidofwhat？Ishallsoonbeworthfifteenhundredayear，andlethimfrightenmeoutofTHATifhecan。
　　EnterLandlord，conductingMARLOWandHASTINGS。
　　MARLOW。Whatatediousuncomfortabledayhavewehadofit!Weweretolditwasbutfortymilesacrossthecountry，andwehavecomeabovethreescore。
　　HASTINGS。Andall，Marlow，fromthatunaccountablereserveofyours，thatwouldnotletusinquiremorefrequentlyontheway。
　　MARLOW。Iown，Hastings，IamunwillingtolaymyselfunderanobligationtoeveryoneImeet，andoftenstandthechanceofanunmannerlyanswer。
　　HASTINGS。Atpresent，however，wearenotlikelytoreceiveanyanswer。
　　TONY。Nooffence，gentlemen。ButI’mtoldyouhavebeeninquiringforoneMr。Hardcastleintheseparts。Doyouknowwhatpartofthecountryyouarein？
　　HASTINGS。Notintheleast，sir，butshouldthankyouforinformation。
　　TONY。Northewayyoucame？
　　HASTINGS。No，sir：butifyoucaninformus————
　　TONY。Why，gentlemen，ifyouknowneithertheroadyouaregoing，norwhereyouare，northeroadyoucame，thefirstthingIhavetoinformyouis，that——youhavelostyourway。
　　MARLOW。Wewantednoghosttotellusthat。
　　TONY。Pray，gentlemen，mayIbesoboldsoastoasktheplacefromwhenceyoucame？
　　MARLOW。That’snotnecessarytowardsdirectinguswherewearetogo。
　　TONY。Nooffence；butquestionforquestionisallfair，youknow。
　　Pray，gentlemen，isnotthissameHardcastleacross—grained，old—fashioned，whimsicalfellow，withanuglyface，adaughter，andaprettyson？
　　HASTINGS。Wehavenotseenthegentleman；buthehasthefamilyyoumention。
　　TONY。Thedaughter，atall，trapesing，trolloping，talkativemaypole；
　　theson，apretty，well—bred，agreeableyouth，thateverybodyisfondof。
　　MARLOW。Ourinformationdiffersinthis。Thedaughterissaidtobewell—bredandbeautiful；thesonanawkwardbooby，rearedupandspoiledathismother’sapron—string。
　　TONY。He—he—hem!——Then，gentlemen，allIhavetotellyouis，thatyouwon’treachMr。Hardcastle’shousethisnight，Ibelieve。
　　HASTINGS。Unfortunate!
　　TONY。It’sadamn’dlong，dark，boggy，dirty，dangerousway。Stingo，tellthegentlementhewaytoMr。Hardcastle’s!（WinkingupontheLandlord。）Mr。Hardcastle’s，ofQuagmireMarsh，youunderstandme。
　　LANDLORD。MasterHardcastle’s!Lock—a—daisy，mymasters，you’recomeadeadlydealwrong!Whenyoucametothebottomofthehill，youshouldhavecrosseddownSquashLane。
　　MARLOW。CrossdownSquashLane!
　　LANDLORD。Thenyouweretokeepstraightforward，tillyoucametofourroads。
　　MARLOW。Cometowherefourroadsmeet？
　　TONY。Ay；butyoumustbesuretotakeonlyoneofthem。
　　MARLOW。O，sir，you’refacetious。
　　TONY。Thenkeepingtotheright，youaretogosidewaystillyoucomeuponCrackskullCommon：thereyoumustlooksharpforthetrackofthewheel，andgoforwardtillyoucometofarmerMurrain’sbarn。Comingtothefarmer’sbarn，youaretoturntotheright，andthentotheleft，andthentotherightaboutagain，tillyoufindouttheoldmill——
　　MARLOW。Zounds，man!wecouldassoonfindoutthelongitude!
　　HASTINGS。What’stobedone，Marlow？
　　MARLOW。Thishousepromisesbutapoorreception；thoughperhapsthelandlordcanaccommodateus。
　　LANDLORD。Alack，master，wehavebutonesparebedinthewholehouse。
　　TONY。Andtomyknowledge，that’stakenupbythreelodgersalready。
　　（Afterapause，inwhichtherestseemdisconcerted。）Ihavehitit。
　　Don’tyouthink，Stingo，ourlandladycouldaccommodatethegentlemenbythefire—side，with————threechairsandabolster？
　　HASTINGS。Ihatesleepingbythefire—side。
　　MARLOW。AndIdetestyourthreechairsandabolster。
　　TONY。Youdo，doyou？then，letmesee——whatifyougoonamilefurther，totheBuck’sHead；theoldBuck’sHeadonthehill，oneofthebestinnsinthewholecounty？
　　HASTINGS。Oho!sowehaveescapedanadventureforthisnight，however。
　　LANDLORD。（aparttoTONY）。Sure，youben’tsendingthemtoyourfather’sasaninn，beyou？
　　TONY。Mum，youfoolyou。LetTHEMfindthatout。（Tothem。）Youhaveonlytokeeponstraightforward，tillyoucometoalargeoldhousebytheroadside。You’llseeapairoflargehornsoverthedoor。That’sthesign。Driveuptheyard，andcallstoutlyaboutyou。
　　HASTINGS。Sir，weareobligedtoyou。Theservantscan’tmisstheway？
　　TONY。No，no：butItellyou，though，thelandlordisrich，andgoingtoleaveoffbusiness；sohewantstobethoughtagentleman，savingyourpresence，he!he!he!He’llbeforgivingyouhiscompany；and，ecod，ifyoumindhim，he’llpersuadeyouthathismotherwasanalderman，andhisauntajusticeofpeace。
　　LANDLORD。Atroublesomeoldblade，tobesure；butakeepsasgoodwinesandbedsasanyinthewholecountry。
　　MARLOW。Well，ifhesuppliesuswiththese，weshallwantnofartherconnexion。Wearetoturntotheright，didyousay？
　　TONY。No，no；straightforward。I’lljuststepmyself，andshowyouapieceoftheway。（TotheLandlord。）Mum!
　　LANDLORD。Ah，blessyourheart，forasweet，pleasant——damn’dmischievoussonofawhore。[Exeunt。]
　　ACTTHESECOND。
　　SCENE——Anold—fashionedHouse。
　　EnterHARDCASTLE，followedbythreeorfourawkwardServants。
　　HARDCASTLE。Well，IhopeyouareperfectinthetableexerciseIhavebeenteachingyouthesethreedays。Youallknowyourpostsandyourplaces，andcanshowthatyouhavebeenusedtogoodcompany，withouteverstirringfromhome。
　　OMNES。Ay，ay。
　　HARDCASTLE。Whencompanycomesyouarenottopopoutandstare，andthenruninagain，likefrightenedrabbitsinawarren。
　　OMNES。No，no。
　　HARDCASTLE。You，Diggory，whomIhavetakenfromthebarn，aretomakeashowattheside—table；andyou，Roger，whomIhaveadvancedfromtheplough，aretoplaceyourselfbehindmychair。Butyou’renottostandso，withyourhandsinyourpockets。Takeyourhandsfromyourpockets，Roger；andfromyourhead，youblockheadyou。SeehowDiggorycarrieshishands。They’realittletoostiff，indeed，butthat’snogreatmatter。
　　DIGGORY。Ay，mindhowIholdthem。IlearnedtoholdmyhandsthiswaywhenIwasupondrillforthemilitia。Andsobeingupondrill————
　　HARDCASTLE。Youmustnotbesotalkative，Diggory。Youmustbeallattentiontotheguests。Youmusthearustalk，andnotthinkoftalking；youmustseeusdrink，andnotthinkofdrinking；youmustseeuseat，andnotthinkofeating。
　　DIGGORY。Bythelaws，yourworship，that’sparfectlyunpossible。
　　WheneverDiggoryseesyeatinggoingforward，ecod，he’salwayswishingforamouthfulhimself。
　　HARDCASTLE。Blockhead!Isnotabelly—fullinthekitchenasgoodasabelly—fullintheparlour？Stayyourstomachwiththatreflection。
　　DIGGORY。Ecod，Ithankyourworship，I’llmakeashifttostaymystomachwithasliceofcoldbeefinthepantry。
　　HARDCASTLE。Diggory，youaretootalkative。——Then，ifIhappentosayagoodthing，ortellagoodstoryattable，youmustnotallburstouta—laughing，asifyoumadepartofthecompany。
　　DIGGORY。ThenecodyourworshipmustnottellthestoryofOuldGrouseinthegun—room：Ican’thelplaughingatthat——he!he!
　　he!——forthesoulofme。Wehavelaughedatthatthesetwentyyears——ha!ha!ha!
　　HARDCASTLE。Ha!ha!ha!Thestoryisagoodone。Well，honestDiggory，youmaylaughatthat——butstillremembertobeattentive。
　　Supposeoneofthecompanyshouldcallforaglassofwine，howwillyoubehave？Aglassofwine，sir，ifyouplease（toDIGGORY）。——Eh，whydon’tyoumove？
　　DIGGORY。Ecod，yourworship，IneverhavecouragetillIseetheeatablesanddrinkablesbroughtupo’thetable，andthenI’masbauldasalion。
　　HARDCASTLE。What，willnobodymove？
　　FIRSTSERVANT。I’mnottoleavethispleace。
　　SECONDSERVANT。I’msureit’snopleaceofmine。
　　THIRDSERVANT。Normine，forsartain。
　　DIGGORY。Wauns，andI’msureitcannabemine。
　　HARDCASTLE。Younumskulls!andsowhile，likeyourbetters，youarequarrellingforplaces，theguestsmustbestarved。Oyoudunces!I
　　findImustbeginalloveragain————Butdon’tIhearacoachdriveintotheyard？Toyourposts，youblockheads。I’llgointhemeantimeandgivemyoldfriend’ssonaheartyreceptionatthegate。[ExitHARDCASTLE。]
　　DIGGORY。Bytheelevens，mypleaceisgonequiteoutofmyhead。
　　ROGER。Iknowthatmypleaceistobeeverywhere。
　　FIRSTSERVANT。Wherethedevilismine？
　　SECONDSERVANT。Mypleaceistobenowhereatall；andsoI’zegoaboutmybusiness。[ExeuntServants，runningaboutasiffrightened，differentways。]
　　EnterServantwithcandles，showinginMARLOWandHASTINGS。
　　SERVANT。Welcome，gentlemen，verywelcome!Thisway。
　　HASTINGS。Afterthedisappointmentsoftheday，welcomeoncemore，Charles，tothecomfortsofacleanroomandagoodfire。Uponmyword，averywell—lookinghouse；antiquebutcreditable。
　　MARLOW。Theusualfateofalargemansion。Havingfirstruinedthemasterbygoodhousekeeping，itatlastcomestolevycontributionsasaninn。
　　HASTINGS。Asyousay，wepassengersaretobetaxedtopayallthesefineries。Ihaveoftenseenagoodsideboard，oramarblechimney—piece，thoughnotactuallyputinthebill，inflameareckoningconfoundedly。
　　MARLOW。Travellers，George，mustpayinallplaces：theonlydifferenceis，thatingoodinnsyoupaydearlyforluxuries；inbadinnsyouarefleecedandstarved。
　　HASTINGS。Youhavelivedverymuchamongthem。Intruth，Ihavebeenoftensurprised，thatyouwhohaveseensomuchoftheworld，withyournaturalgoodsense，andyourmanyopportunities，couldneveryetacquirearequisiteshareofassurance。
　　MARLOW。TheEnglishman’smalady。Buttellme，George，wherecouldI
　　havelearnedthatassuranceyoutalkof？Mylifehasbeenchieflyspentinacollegeoraninn，inseclusionfromthatlovelypartofthecreationthatchieflyteachmenconfidence。Idon’tknowthatIwaseverfamiliarlyacquaintedwithasinglemodestwoman——exceptmymother——Butamongfemalesofanotherclass，youknow————
　　HASTINGS。Ay，amongthemyouareimpudentenoughofallconscience。
　　MARLOW。TheyareofUS，youknow。
　　HASTINGS。ButinthecompanyofwomenofreputationIneversawsuchanidiot，suchatrembler；youlookforalltheworldasifyouwantedanopportunityofstealingoutoftheroom。
　　MARLOW。Why，man，that’sbecauseIdowanttostealoutoftheroom。
　　Faith，Ihaveoftenformedaresolutiontobreaktheice，andrattleawayatanyrate。ButIdon’tknowhow，asingleglancefromapairoffineeyeshastotallyoversetmyresolution。Animpudentfellowmaycounterfeitmodesty；butI’llbehangedifamodestmancanevercounterfeitimpudence。
　　HASTINGS。IfyoucouldbutsayhalfthefinethingstothemthatI
　　haveheardyoulavishuponthebar—maidofaninn，orevenacollegebed—maker————
　　MARLOW。Why，George，Ican’tsayfinethingstothem；theyfreeze，theypetrifyme。Theymaytalkofacomet，oraburningmountain，orsomesuchbagatelle；but，tome，amodestwoman，drestoutinallherfinery，isthemosttremendousobjectofthewholecreation。
　　HASTINGS。Ha!ha!ha!Atthisrate，man，howcanyoueverexpecttomarry？
　　MARLOW。Never；unless，asamongkingsandprinces，mybrideweretobecourtedbyproxy。If，indeed，likeanEasternbridegroom，oneweretobeintroducedtoawifeheneversawbefore，itmightbeendured。Buttogothroughalltheterrorsofaformalcourtship，togetherwiththeepisodeofaunts，grandmothers，andcousins，andatlasttoblurtoutthebroadstaringquestionof，Madam，willyoumarryme？No，no，that’sastrainmuchaboveme，Iassureyou。
　　HASTINGS。Ipityyou。Buthowdoyouintendbehavingtotheladyyouarecomedowntovisitattherequestofyourfather？
　　MARLOW。AsIbehavetoallotherladies。Bowverylow，answeryesornotoallherdemands——Butfortherest，Idon’tthinkIshallventuretolookinherfacetillIseemyfather’sagain。
　　HASTINGS。I’msurprisedthatonewhoissowarmafriendcanbesocoolalover。
　　MARLOW。Tobeexplicit，mydearHastings，mychiefinducementdownwastobeinstrumentalinforwardingyourhappiness，notmyown。MissNevillelovesyou，thefamilydon’tknowyou；asmyfriendyouaresureofareception，andlethonourdotherest。
　　HASTINGS。MydearMarlow!ButI’llsuppresstheemotion。WereIawretch，meanlyseekingtocarryoffafortune，youshouldbethelastmanintheworldIwouldapplytoforassistance。ButMissNeville’spersonisallIask，andthatismine，bothfromherdeceasedfather’sconsent，andherowninclination。
　　MARLOW。Happyman!Youhavetalentsandarttocaptivateanywoman。
　　I’mdoom’dtoadorethesex，andyettoconversewiththeonlypartofitIdespise。Thisstammerinmyaddress，andthisawkwardprepossessingvisageofmine，canneverpermitmetosoarabovethereachofamilliner’s’prentice，oroneoftheduchessesofDrury—lane。
　　Pshaw!thisfellowheretointerruptus。
　　EnterHARDCASTLE。
　　HARDCASTLE。Gentlemen，oncemoreyouareheartilywelcome。WhichisMr。Marlow？Sir，youareheartilywelcome。It’snotmyway，yousee，toreceivemyfriendswithmybacktothefire。Ilikegivethemaheartyreceptionintheoldstyleatmygate。Iliketoseetheirhorsesandtrunkstakencareof。
　　MARLOW。（Aside。）Hehasgotournamesfromtheservantsalready。（Tohim。）Weapproveyourcautionandhospitality，sir。（ToHASTINGS。）I
　　havebeenthinking，George，ofchangingourtravellingdressesinthemorning。Iamgrownconfoundedlyashamedofmine。
　　HARDCASTLE。Ibeg，Mr。Marlow，you’llusenoceremonyinthishouse。
　　HASTINGS。Ifancy，Charles，you’reright：thefirstblowishalfthebattle。Iintendopeningthecampaignwiththewhiteandgold。
　　HARDCASTLE。Mr。Marlow——Mr。Hastings——gentlemen——praybeundernoconstraintinthishouse。ThisisLiberty—hall，gentlemen。Youmaydojustasyoupleasehere。
　　MARLOW。Yet，George，ifweopenthecampaigntoofiercelyatfirst，wemaywantammunitionbeforeitisover。Ithinktoreservetheembroiderytosecurearetreat。
　　HARDCASTLE。Yourtalkingofaretreat，Mr。Marlow，putsmeinmindoftheDukeofMarlborough，whenwewenttobesiegeDenain。Hefirstsummonedthegarrison————
　　MARLOW。Don’tyouthinktheventred’orwaistcoatwilldowiththeplainbrown？
　　HARDCASTLE。Hefirstsummonedthegarrison，whichmightconsistofaboutfivethousandmen————
　　HASTINGS。Ithinknot：brownandyellowmixbutverypoorly。
　　HARDCASTLE。Isay，gentlemen，asIwastellingyou，besummonedthegarrison，whichmightconsistofaboutfivethousandmen————
　　MARLOW。Thegirlslikefinery。
　　HARDCASTLE。Whichmightconsistofaboutfivethousandmen，wellappointedwithstores，ammunition，andotherimplementsofwar。Now，saystheDukeofMarlboroughtoGeorgeBrooks，thatstoodnexttohim——youmusthaveheardofGeorgeBrooks——I’llpawnmydukedom，sayshe，butItakethatgarrisonwithoutspillingadropofblood。So————
　　MARLOW。What，mygoodfriend，ifyougaveusaglassofpunchinthemeantime；itwouldhelpustocarryonthesiegewithvigour。
　　HARDCASTLE。Punch，sir!（Aside。）ThisisthemostunaccountablekindofmodestyIevermetwith。
　　MARLOW。Yes，sir，punch。Aglassofwarmpunch，afterourjourney，willbecomfortable。ThisisLiberty—hall，youknow。
　　HARDCASTLE。Here’sacup，sir。
　　MARLOW。（Aside。）Sothisfellow，inhisLiberty—hall，willonlyletushavejustwhathepleases。
　　HARDCASTLE。（Takingthecup。）Ihopeyou’llfindittoyourmind。I
　　haveprepareditwithmyownhands，andIbelieveyou’llowntheingredientsaretolerable。Willyoubesogoodastopledgeme，sir？
　　Here，Mr。Marlow，hereistoourbetteracquaintance。[Drinks。]
　　MARLOW。（Aside。）Averyimpudentfellowthis!buthe’sacharacter，andI’llhumourhimalittle。Sir，myservicetoyou。[Drinks。]
　　HASTINGS。（Aside。）Iseethisfellowwantstogiveushiscompany，andforgetsthathe’saninnkeeper，beforehehaslearnedtobeagentleman。
　　MARLOW。Fromtheexcellenceofyourcup，myoldfriend，Isupposeyouhaveagooddealofbusinessinthispartofthecountry。Warmwork，nowandthen，atelections，Isuppose。
　　HARDCASTLE。No，sir，Ihavelonggiventhatworkover。Sinceourbettershavehitupontheexpedientofelectingeachother，thereisnobusiness"forusthatsellale。"
　　HASTINGS。So，then，youhavenoturnforpolitics，Ifind。
　　HARDCASTLE。Notintheleast。Therewasatime，indeed，Ifrettedmyselfaboutthemistakesofgovernment，likeotherpeople；butfindingmyselfeverydaygrowmoreangry，andthegovernmentgrowingnobetter，Ileftittomenditself。Sincethat，InomoretroublemyheadaboutHyderAlly，orAllyCawn，thanaboutAllyCroker。Sir，myservicetoyou。
　　HASTINGS。Sothatwitheatingabovestairs，anddrinkingbelow，withreceivingyourfriendswithin，andamusingthemwithout，youleadagoodpleasantbustlinglifeofit。
　　HARDCASTLE。Idostiraboutagreatdeal，that’scertain。Halfthedifferencesoftheparishareadjustedinthisveryparlour。
　　MARLOW。（Afterdrinking。）Andyouhaveanargumentinyourcup，oldgentleman，betterthananyinWestminster—hall。
　　HARDCASTLE。Ay，younggentleman，that，andalittlephilosophy。
　　MARLOW。（Aside。）Well，thisisthefirsttimeIeverheardofaninnkeeper’sphilosophy。
　　HASTINGS。Sothen，likeanexperiencedgeneral，youattackthemoneveryquarter。Ifyoufindtheirreasonmanageable，youattackitwithyourphilosophy；ifyoufindtheyhavenoreason，youattackthemwiththis。Here’syourhealth，myphilosopher。[Drinks。]
　　HARDCASTLE。Good，verygood，thankyou；ha!ha!YourgeneralshipputsmeinmindofPrinceEugene，whenhefoughttheTurksatthebattleofBelgrade。Youshallhear。
　　MARLOW。InsteadofthebattleofBelgrade，Ibelieveit’salmosttimetotalkaboutsupper。Whathasyourphilosophygotinthehouseforsupper？
　　HARDCASTLE。Forsupper，sir!（Aside。）Waseversucharequesttoamaninhisownhouse？
　　MARLOW。Yes，sir，supper，sir；Ibegintofeelanappetite。Ishallmakedevilishworkto—nightinthelarder，Ipromiseyou。
　　HARDCASTLE。（Aside。）Suchabrazendogsurenevermyeyesbeheld。
　　（Tohim。）Why，really，sir，asforsupperIcan’twelltell。MyDorothyandthecook—maidsettlethesethingsbetweenthem。Ileavethesekindofthingsentirelytothem。
　　MARLOW。Youdo，doyou？
　　HARDCASTLE。Entirely。Bythebye，Ibelievetheyareinactualconsultationuponwhat’sforsupperthismomentinthekitchen。
　　MARLOW。ThenIbegthey’lladmitmeasoneoftheirprivycouncil。
　　It’sawayIhavegot。WhenItravel，Ialwayschosetoregulatemyownsupper。Letthecookbecalled。NooffenceIhope，sir。
　　HARDCASTLE。Ono，sir，noneintheleast；yetIdon’tknowhow；ourBridget，thecook—maid，isnotverycommunicativeupontheseoccasions。Shouldwesendforher，shemightscoldusalloutofthehouse。
　　HASTINGS。Let’sseeyourlistofthelarderthen。Iaskitasafavour。Ialwaysmatchmyappetitetomybilloffare。
　　MARLOW。（ToHARDCASTLE，wholooksatthemwithsurprise。）Sir，he’sveryright，andit’smywaytoo。
　　HARDCASTLE。Sir，youhavearighttocommandhere。Here，Roger，bringusthebilloffareforto—night’ssupper：Ibelieveit’sdrawnout——Yourmanner，Mr。Hastings，putsmeinmindofmyuncle，ColonelWallop。Itwasasayingofhis，thatnomanwassureofhissuppertillhehadeatenit。
　　HASTINGS。（Aside。）Alluponthehighrope!Hisuncleacolonel!weshallsoonhearofhismotherbeingajusticeofthepeace。Butlet’shearthebilloffare。
　　MARLOW。（Perusing。）What’shere？Forthefirstcourse；forthesecondcourse；forthedessert。Thedevil，sir，doyouthinkwehavebroughtdownawholeJoiners’Company，orthecorporationofBedford，toeatupsuchasupper？Twoorthreelittlethings，cleanandcomfortable，willdo。
　　HASTINGS。Butlet’shearit。
　　MARLOW。（Reading。）Forthefirstcourse，atthetop，apigandprunesauce。
　　HASTINGS。Damnyourpig，Isay。
　　MARLOW。Anddamnyourprunesauce，sayI。
　　HARDCASTLE。Andyet，gentlemen，tomenthatarehungry，pigwithprunesauceisverygoodeating。
　　MARLOW。Atthebottom，acalf’stongueandbrains。
　　HASTINGS。Letyourbrainsbeknockedout，mygoodsir，Idon’tlikethem。
　　MARLOW。Oryoumayclapthemonaplatebythemselves。Ido。
　　HARDCASTLE。（Aside。）Theirimpudenceconfoundsme。（Tothem。）
　　Gentlemen，youaremyguests，makewhatalterationsyouplease。Isthereanythingelseyouwishtoretrenchoralter，gentlemen？
　　MARLOW。Item，aporkpie，aboiledrabbitandsausages，aFlorentine，ashakingpudding，andadishoftiff——taff——taffetycream。
　　HASTINGS。Confoundyourmadedishes；IshallbeasmuchatalossinthishouseasatagreenandyellowdinnerattheFrenchambassador’stable。I’mforplaineating。
　　HARDCASTLE。I’msorry，gentlemen，thatIhavenothingyoulike，butiftherebeanythingyouhaveaparticularfancyto————
　　MARLOW。Why，really，sir，yourbilloffareissoexquisite，thatanyonepartofitisfullasgoodasanother。Senduswhatyouplease。
　　Somuchforsupper。Andnowtoseethatourbedsareaired，andproperlytakencareof。
　　HARDCASTLE。Ientreatyou’llleavethattome。Youshallnotstirastep。
　　MARLOW。Leavethattoyou!Iprotest，sir，youmustexcuseme，I
　　alwayslooktothesethingsmyself。
　　HARDCASTLE。Imustinsist，sir，you’llmakeyourselfeasyonthathead。
　　MARLOW。YouseeI’mresolvedonit。（Aside。）Averytroublesomefellowthis，asIevermetwith。
　　HARDCASTLE。Well，sir，I’mresolvedatleasttoattendyou。（Aside。）
　　Thismaybemodemmodesty，butIneversawanythinglooksolikeold—fashionedimpudence。[ExeuntMARLOWandHARDCASTLE。]
　　HASTINGS。（Alone。）SoIfindthisfellow’scivilitiesbegintogrowtroublesome。Butwhocanbeangryatthoseassiduitieswhicharemeanttopleasehim？Ha!whatdoIsee？MissNeville，byallthat’shappy!
　　EnterMISSNEVILLE。
　　MISSNEVILLE。MydearHastings!Towhatunexpectedgoodfortune，towhataccident，amItoascribethishappymeeting？
　　HASTINGS。Ratherletmeaskthesamequestion，asIcouldneverhavehopedtomeetmydearestConstanceataninn。
　　MISSNEVILLE。Aninn!sureyoumistake：myaunt，myguardian，liveshere。Whatcouldinduceyoutothinkthishouseaninn？
　　HASTINGS。Myfriend，Mr。Marlow，withwhomIcamedown，andI，havebeensenthereastoaninn，Iassureyou。Ayoungfellow，whomweaccidentallymetatahousehardby，directedushither。
　　MISSNEVILLE。Certainlyitmustbeoneofmyhopefulcousin’stricks，ofwhomyouhaveheardmetalksooften；ha!ha!ha!
　　HASTINGS。Hewhomyourauntintendsforyou？heofwhomIhavesuchjustapprehensions？
　　MISSNEVILLE。Youhavenothingtofearfromhim，Iassureyou。You’dadorehim，ifyouknewhowheartilyhedespisesme。Myauntknowsittoo，andhasundertakentocourtmeforhim，andactuallybeginstothinkshehasmadeaconquest。
　　HASTINGS。Thoudeardissembler!Youmustknow，myConstance，Ihavejustseizedthishappyopportunityofmyfriend’svisitheretogetadmittanceintothefamily。Thehorsesthatcarriedusdownarenowfatiguedwiththeirjourney，butthey’llsoonberefreshed；andthen，ifmydearestgirlwilltrustinherfaithfulHastings，weshallsoonbelandedinFrance，whereevenamongslavesthelawsofmarriagearerespected。
　　MISSNEVILLE。Ihaveoftentoldyou，thatthoughreadytoobeyyou，I
　　yetshouldleavemylittlefortunebehindwithreluctance。Thegreatestpartofitwasleftmebymyuncle，theIndiadirector，andchieflyconsistsinjewels。Ihavebeenforsometimepersuadingmyaunttoletmewearthem。IfancyI’mverynearsucceeding。Theinstanttheyareputintomypossession，youshallfindmereadytomakethemandmyselfyours。
　　HASTINGS。Perishthebaubles!YourpersonisallIdesire。Inthemeantime，myfriendMarlowmustnotbeletintohismistake。Iknowthestrangereserveofhistemperissuch，thatifabruptlyinformedofit，hewouldinstantlyquitthehousebeforeourplanwasripeforexecution。
　　MISSNEVILLE。Buthowshallwekeephiminthedeception？MissHardcastleisjustreturnedfromwalking；whatifwestillcontinuetodeceivehim？————This，thisway————[Theyconfer。]
　　EnterMARLOW。
　　MARLOW。Theassiduitiesofthesegoodpeopleteazemebeyondbearing。
　　Myhostseemstothinkitillmannerstoleavemealone，andsoheclapsnotonlyhimself，buthisold—fashionedwife，onmyback。Theytalkofcomingtosupwithustoo；andthen，Isuppose，wearetorunthegantletthroughalltherestofthefamily。——Whathavewegothere？
　　HASTINGS。MydearCharles!Letmecongratulateyou!——Themostfortunateaccident!——Whodoyouthinkisjustalighted？
　　MARLOW。Cannotguess。
　　HASTINGS。Ourmistresses，boy，MissHardcastleandMissNeville。
　　GivemeleavetointroduceMissConstanceNevilletoyouracquaintance。Happeningtodineintheneighbourhood，theycalledontheirreturntotakefreshhorseshere。MissHardcastlehasjuststeptintothenextroom，andwillbebackinaninstant。Wasn’titlucky？
　　eh!
　　MARLOW。（Aside。）Ihavebeenmortifiedenoughofallconscience，andherecomessomethingtocompletemyembarrassment。
　　HASTINGS。Well，butwasn’titthemostfortunatethingintheworld？
　　MARLOW。Oh!yes。Veryfortunate——amostjoyfulencounter——Butourdresses，George，youknowareindisorder——Whatifweshouldpostponethehappinesstillto—morrow？——To—morrowatherownhouse——Itwillbeeverybitasconvenient——andrathermorerespectful——To—morrowletitbe。[Offeringtogo。]
　　MISSNEVILLE。Bynomeans，sir。Yourceremonywilldispleaseher。
　　Thedisorderofyourdresswillshowtheardourofyourimpatience。
　　Besides，sheknowsyouareinthehouse，andwillpermityoutoseeher。