ACTISCENEI。Windsor。BeforePAGE’shouse。EnterSHALLOW,SLENDER,andSIRHUGHEVANSSHALLOWSirHugh,persuademenot;IwillmakeaStar—
chambermatterofit:ifheweretwentySirJohnFalstaffs,heshallnotabuseRobertShallow,esquire。SLENDERInthecountyofGloucester,justiceofpeaceand’Coram。’SHALLOWAy,cousinSlender,and’Custalourum。SLENDERAy,and’Rato—lorum’too;andagentlemanborn,masterparson;whowriteshimself’Armigero,’inanybill,warrant,quittance,orobligation,’Armigero。’SHALLOWAy,thatIdo;andhavedoneanytimethesethreehundredyears。SLENDERAllhissuccessorsgonebeforehimhathdone’t;andallhisancestorsthatcomeafterhimmay:theymaygivethedozenwhitelucesintheircoat。SHALLOWItisanoldcoat。SIRHUGHEVANSThedozenwhitelousesdobecomeanoldcoatwell;
itagreeswell,passant;itisafamiliarbeasttoman,andsignifieslove。SHALLOWTheluceisthefreshfish;thesaltfishisanoldcoat。SLENDERImayquarter,coz。SHALLOWYoumay,bymarrying。SIRHUGHEVANSItismarringindeed,ifhequarterit。SHALLOWNotawhit。SIRHUGHEVANSYes,py’rlady;ifhehasaquarterofyourcoat,thereisbutthreeskirtsforyourself,inmysimpleconjectures:butthatisallone。IfSirJohnFalstaffhavecommitteddisparagementsuntoyou,Iamofthechurch,andwillbegladtodomybenevolencetomakeatonementsandcompremisesbetweenyou。SHALLOWThecouncilshallbearit;itisariot。SIRHUGHEVANSItisnotmeetthecouncilhearariot;
thereisnofearofGotinariot:thecouncil,lookyou,shalldesiretohearthefearofGot,andnottohearariot;takeyourvizamentsinthat。SHALLOWHa!o’mylife,ifIwereyoungagain,theswordshouldendit。SIRHUGHEVANSItispetterthatfriendsisthesword,andendit:
andthereisalsoanotherdeviceinmyprain,whichperadventurepringsgootdiscretionswithit:
thereisAnnePage,whichisdaughtertoMasterThomasPage,whichisprettyvirginity。SLENDERMistressAnnePage?Shehasbrownhair,andspeakssmalllikeawoman。SIRHUGHEVANSItisthatferypersonforalltheorld,asjustasyouwilldesire;andsevenhundredpoundsofmoneys,andgoldandsilver,ishergrandsireuponhisdeath’s—bed——Gotdelivertoajoyfulresurrections!
——give,whensheisabletoovertakeseventeenyearsold:itwereagootmotionifweleaveourpribblesandprabbles,anddesireamarriagebetweenMasterAbrahamandMistressAnnePage。SLENDERDidhergrandsireleavehersevenhundredpound?SIRHUGHEVANSAy,andherfatherismakeherapetterpenny。SLENDERIknowtheyounggentlewoman;shehasgoodgifts。SIRHUGHEVANSSevenhundredpoundsandpossibilitiesisgootgifts。SHALLOWWell,letusseehonestMasterPage。IsFalstaffthere?SIRHUGHEVANSShallItellyoualie?IdodespisealiarasIdodespiseonethatisfalse,orasIdespiseonethatisnottrue。Theknight,SirJohn,isthere;and,I
beseechyou,beruledbyyourwell—willers。I
willpeatthedoorforMasterPage。
KnocksWhat,hoa!Gotplessyourhousehere!PAGE[Within]Who’sthere?
EnterPAGESIRHUGHEVANSHereisGot’splessing,andyourfriend,andJusticeShallow;andhereyoungMasterSlender,thatperadventuresshalltellyouanothertale,ifmattersgrowtoyourlikings。PAGEIamgladtoseeyourworshipswell。
Ithankyouformyvenison,MasterShallow。SHALLOWMasterPage,Iamgladtoseeyou:muchgooddoityourgoodheart!Iwishedyourvenisonbetter;
itwasillkilled。HowdothgoodMistressPage?——andI
thankyoualwayswithmyheart,la!withmyheart。PAGESir,Ithankyou。SHALLOWSir,Ithankyou;byyeaandno,Ido。PAGEIamgladtoseeyou,goodMasterSlender。SLENDERHowdoesyourfallowgreyhound,sir?I
heardsayhewasoutrunonCotsall。PAGEItcouldnotbejudged,sir。SLENDERYou’llnotconfess,you’llnotconfess。SHALLOWThathewillnot。’Tisyourfault,’tisyourfault;
’tisagooddog。PAGEAcur,sir。SHALLOWSir,he’sagooddog,andafairdog:
cantherebemoresaid?heisgoodandfair。IsSirJohnFalstaffhere?PAGESir,heiswithin;andIwouldIcoulddoagoodofficebetweenyou。SIRHUGHEVANSItisspokeasaChristiansoughttospeak。SHALLOWHehathwrongedme,MasterPage。PAGESir,hedothinsomesortconfessit。SHALLOWIfitbeconfessed,itisnotredress’d:
isnotthatso,MasterPage?Hehathwrongedme;indeedhehath,ataword,hehath,believeme:RobertShallow,esquire,saith,heiswronged。PAGEHerecomesSirJohn。
EnterFALSTAFF,BARDOLPH,NYM,andPISTOLFALSTAFFNow,MasterShallow,you’llcomplainofmetotheking?SHALLOWKnight,youhavebeatenmymen,killedmydeer,andbrokeopenmylodge。FALSTAFFButnotkissedyourkeeper’sdaughter?SHALLOWTut,apin!thisshallbeanswered。FALSTAFFIwillansweritstraight;Ihavedoneallthis。
Thatisnowanswered。SHALLOWThecouncilshallknowthis。FALSTAFF’Twerebetterforyouifitwereknownincounsel:
you’llbelaughedat。SIRHUGHEVANSPaucaverba,SirJohn;gootworts。FALSTAFFGoodworts!goodcabbage。Slender,I
brokeyourhead:whatmatterhaveyouagainstme?SLENDERMarry,sir,Ihavematterinmyheadagainstyou;
andagainstyourcony—catchingrascals,Bardolph,Nym,andPistol。BARDOLPHYouBanburycheese!SLENDERAy,itisnomatter。PISTOLHownow,Mephostophilus!SLENDERAy,itisnomatter。NYMSlice,Isay!pauca,pauca:slice!that’smyhumour。SLENDERWhere’sSimple,myman?Canyoutell,cousin?SIRHUGHEVANSPeace,Iprayyou。Nowletusunderstand。
Thereisthreeumpiresinthismatter,asIunderstand;
thatis,MasterPage,fidelicetMasterPage;andthereismyself,fidelicetmyself;andthethreepartyis,lastlyandfinally,minehostoftheGarter。PAGEWethree,tohearitandenditbetweenthem。SIRHUGHEVANSFerygoot:Iwillmakeapriefofitinmynote—
book;andwewillafterwardsorkuponthecausewithasgreatdiscreetlyaswecan。FALSTAFFPistol!PISTOLHehearswithears。SIRHUGHEVANSThetevilandhistam!whatphraseisthis,’Hehearswithear’?why,itisaffectations。FALSTAFFPistol,didyoupickMasterSlender’spurse?SLENDERAy,bythesegloves,didhe,orIwouldImightnevercomeinmineowngreatchamberagainelse,ofsevengroatsinmill—sixpences,andtwoEdwardshovel—boards,thatcostmetwoshillingandtwopenceapieceofYeadMiller,bythesegloves。FALSTAFFIsthistrue,Pistol?SIRHUGHEVANSNo;itisfalse,ifitisapick—purse。PISTOLHa,thoumountain—foreigner!SirJohnandMastermine,Icombatchallengeofthislattenbilbo。
Wordofdenialinthylabrashere!
Wordofdenial:frothandscum,thouliest!SLENDERBythesegloves,then,’twashe。NYMBeavised,sir,andpassgoodhumours:
Iwillsay’marrytrap’withyou,ifyourunthenuthook’shumouronme;thatistheverynoteofit。SLENDERBythishat,then,heintheredfacehadit;forthoughIcannotrememberwhatIdidwhenyoumademedrunk,yetIamnotaltogetheranass。FALSTAFFWhatsayyou,ScarletandJohn?BARDOLPHWhy,sir,formypartIsaythegentlemanhaddrunkhimselfoutofhisfivesentences。SIRHUGHEVANSItishisfivesenses:fie,whattheignoranceis!BARDOLPHAndbeingfap,sir,was,astheysay,cashiered;andsoconclusionspassedthecareires。SLENDERAy,youspakeinLatinthentoo;but’tisnomatter:I’llne’erbedrunkwhilstIliveagain,butinhonest,civil,godlycompany,forthistrick:
ifIbedrunk,I’llbedrunkwiththosethathavethefearofGod,andnotwithdrunkenknaves。SIRHUGHEVANSSoGotudgeme,thatisavirtuousmind。FALSTAFFYouhearallthesemattersdenied,gentlemen;
youhearit。
EnterANNEPAGE,withwine;MISTRESSFORDandMISTRESSPAGE,followingPAGENay,daughter,carrythewinein;we’lldrinkwithin。
ExitANNEPAGESLENDEROheaven!thisisMistressAnnePage。PAGEHownow,MistressFord!FALSTAFFMistressFord,bymytroth,youareverywellmet:
byyourleave,goodmistress。
KissesherPAGEWife,bidthesegentlemenwelcome。Come,wehaveahotvenisonpastytodinner:come,gentlemen,Ihopeweshalldrinkdownallunkindness。
ExeuntallexceptSHALLOW,SLENDER,andSIRHUGHEVANSSLENDERIhadratherthanfortyshillingsIhadmyBookofSongsandSonnetshere。
EnterSIMPLE
Hownow,Simple!wherehaveyoubeen?Imustwaitonmyself,mustI?YouhavenottheBookofRiddlesaboutyou,haveyou?SIMPLEBookofRiddles!why,didyounotlendittoAliceShortcakeuponAll—hallowmaslast,afortnightaforeMichaelmas?SHALLOWCome,coz;come,coz;westayforyou。
Awordwithyou,coz;marry,this,coz:thereis,as’twere,atender,akindoftender,madeafaroffbySirHughhere。Doyouunderstandme?SLENDERAy,sir,youshallfindmereasonable;
ifitbeso,Ishalldothatthatisreason。SHALLOWNay,butunderstandme。SLENDERSoIdo,sir。SIRHUGHEVANSGiveeartohismotions,MasterSlender:
Iwilldescriptionthemattertoyou,ifyoubecapacityofit。SLENDERNay,IwilldoasmycousinShallowsays:
Iprayyou,pardonme;he’sajusticeofpeaceinhiscountry,simplethoughIstandhere。SIRHUGHEVANSButthatisnotthequestion:thequestionisconcerningyourmarriage。SHALLOWAy,there’sthepoint,sir。SIRHUGHEVANSMarry,isit;theverypointofit;toMistressAnnePage。SLENDERWhy,ifitbeso,Iwillmarryheruponanyreasonabledemands。SIRHUGHEVANSButcanyouaffectionthe’oman?Letuscommandtoknowthatofyourmouthorofyourlips;fordiversphilosophersholdthatthelipsisparcelofthemouth。Therefore,precisely,canyoucarryyourgoodwilltothemaid?SHALLOWCousinAbrahamSlender,canyouloveher?SLENDERIhope,sir,Iwilldoasitshallbecomeonethatwoulddoreason。SIRHUGHEVANSNay,Got’slordsandhisladies!youmustspeakpossitable,ifyoucancarryheryourdesirestowardsher。SHALLOWThatyoumust。Willyou,upongooddowry,marryher?SLENDERIwilldoagreaterthingthanthat,uponyourrequest,cousin,inanyreason。SHALLOWNay,conceiveme,conceiveme,sweetcoz:whatIdoistopleasureyou,coz。Canyoulovethemaid?SLENDERIwillmarryher,sir,atyourrequest:
butiftherebenogreatloveinthebeginning,yetheavenmaydecreaseituponbetteracquaintance,whenwearemarriedandhavemoreoccasiontoknowoneanother;
Ihope,uponfamiliaritywillgrowmorecontempt:
butifyousay,’Marryher,’Iwillmarryher;
thatIamfreelydissolved,anddissolutely。SIRHUGHEVANSItisaferydiscretionanswer;savethefallisintheort’dissolutely:’theortis,accordingtoourmeaning,’resolutely:’hismeaningisgood。SHALLOWAy,Ithinkmycousinmeantwell。SLENDERAy,orelseIwouldImightbehanged,la!SHALLOWHerecomesfairMistressAnne。
Re—enterANNEPAGE
WouldIwereyoungforyoursake,MistressAnne!ANNEPAGEThedinnerisonthetable;myfatherdesiresyourworships’company。SHALLOWIwillwaitonhim,fairMistressAnne。SIRHUGHEVANSOd’splessedwill!Iwillnotbeabsenceatthegrace。
ExeuntSHALLOWandSIRHUGHEVANSANNEPAGEWill’tpleaseyourworshiptocomein,sir?SLENDERNo,Ithankyou,forsooth,heartily;
Iamverywell。ANNEPAGEThedinnerattendsyou,sir。SLENDERIamnota—hungry,Ithankyou,forsooth。
Go,sirrah,forallyouaremyman,gowaituponmycousinShallow。
ExitSIMPLE
Ajusticeofpeacesometimesmaybebeholdingtohisfriendforaman。Ikeepbutthreemenandaboyyet,tillmymotherbedead:butwhatthough?
YetI
livelikeapoorgentlemanborn。ANNEPAGEImaynotgoinwithoutyourworship:
theywillnotsittillyoucome。SLENDERI’faith,I’lleatnothing;IthankyouasmuchasthoughIdid。ANNEPAGEIprayyou,sir,walkin。SLENDERIhadratherwalkhere,Ithankyou。
Ibruisedmyshinth’otherdaywithplayingatswordanddaggerwithamasteroffence;threeveneysforadishofstewedprunes;and,bymytroth,Icannotabidethesmellofhotmeatsince。Whydoyourdogsbarkso?betherebearsi’thetown?ANNEPAGEIthinkthereare,sir;Iheardthemtalkedof。SLENDERIlovethesportwellbutIshallassoonquarrelatitasanymaninEngland。Youareafraid,ifyouseethebearloose,areyounot?ANNEPAGEAy,indeed,sir。SLENDERThat’smeatanddrinktome,now。IhaveseenSackersonloosetwentytimes,andhavetakenhimbythechain;but,Iwarrantyou,thewomenhavesocriedandshriekedatit,thatitpassed:butwomen,indeed,cannotabide’em;theyareveryill—favoredroughthings。
Re—enterPAGEPAGECome,gentleMasterSlender,come;westayforyou。SLENDERI’lleatnothing,Ithankyou,sir。PAGEBycockandpie,youshallnotchoose,sir!come,come。SLENDERNay,prayyou,leadtheway。PAGEComeon,sir。SLENDERMistressAnne,yourselfshallgofirst。ANNEPAGENotI,sir;prayyou,keepon。SLENDERI’llratherbeunmannerlythantroublesome。
Youdoyourselfwrong,indeed,la!
ExeuntSCENEII。Thesame。EnterSIRHUGHEVANSandSIMPLESIRHUGHEVANSGoyourways,andaskofDoctorCaius’
housewhichistheway:andtheredwellsoneMistressQuickly,whichisinthemannerofhisnurse,orhisdrynurse,orhiscook,orhislaundry,hiswasher,andhiswringer。SIMPLEWell,sir。SIRHUGHEVANSNay,itispetteryet。Giveherthisletter;
foritisa’omanthataltogether’sacquaintancewithMistressAnnePage:andtheletteris,todesireandrequirehertosolicityourmaster’sdesirestoMistressAnnePage。Iprayyou,begone:Iwillmakeanendofmydinner;there’spippinsandcheesetocome。
ExeuntSCENEIII。AroomintheGarterInn。EnterFALSTAFF,Host,BARDOLPH,NYM,PISTOL,andROBINFALSTAFFMinehostoftheGarter!HostWhatsaysmybully—rook?speakscholarlyandwisely。FALSTAFFTruly,minehost,Imustturnawaysomeofmyfollowers。HostDiscard,bullyHercules;cashier:letthemwag;trot,trot。FALSTAFFIsitattenpoundsaweek。HostThou’rtanemperor,Caesar,Keisar,andPheezar。I
willentertainBardolph;heshalldraw,heshalltap:saidIwell,bullyHector?FALSTAFFDoso,goodminehost。HostIhavespoke;lethimfollow。
ToBARDOLPH
Letmeseetheefrothandlime:Iamataword;
follow。
ExitFALSTAFFBardolph,followhim。Atapsterisagoodtrade:
anoldcloakmakesanewjerkin;awitheredserving—manafreshtapster。Go;adieu。BARDOLPHItisalifethatIhavedesired:Iwillthrive。PISTOLObaseHungarianwight!wiltthouthespigotwield?
ExitBARDOLPHNYMHewasgottenindrink:isnotthehumourconceited?FALSTAFFIamgladIamsoacquitofthistinderbox:
histheftsweretooopen;hisfilchingwaslikeanunskilfulsinger;hekeptnottime。NYMThegoodhumouristostealataminute’srest。PISTOL’Convey,’thewiseitcall。’Steal!’foh!
aficoforthephrase!FALSTAFFWell,sirs,Iamalmostoutatheels。PISTOLWhy,then,letkibesensue。FALSTAFFThereisnoremedy;Imustcony—catch;
Imustshift。PISTOLYoungravensmusthavefood。FALSTAFFWhichofyouknowFordofthistown?PISTOLIkenthewight:heisofsubstancegood。FALSTAFFMyhonestlads,IwilltellyouwhatI
amabout。PISTOLTwoyards,andmore。FALSTAFFNoquipsnow,Pistol!Indeed,Iaminthewaisttwoyardsabout;butIamnowaboutnowaste;Iamaboutthrift。Briefly,IdomeantomakelovetoFord’swife:Ispyentertainmentinher;shediscourses,shecarves,shegivestheleerofinvitation:
I
canconstruetheactionofherfamiliarstyle;
andthehardestvoiceofherbehavior,tobeEnglishedrightly,is,’IamSirJohnFalstaff’s。’PISTOLHehathstudiedherwill,andtranslatedherwill,outofhonestyintoEnglish。NYMTheanchorisdeep:willthathumourpass?FALSTAFFNow,thereportgoesshehasalltheruleofherhusband’spurse:hehathalegionofangels。PISTOLAsmanydevilsentertain;and’Toher,boy,’sayI。NYMThehumourrises;itisgood:humourmetheangels。FALSTAFFIhavewritmeherealettertoher:andhereanothertoPage’swife,whoevennowgavemegoodeyestoo,examinedmypartswithmostjudiciousoeillades;sometimesthebeamofherviewgildedmyfoot,sometimesmyportlybelly。PISTOLThendidthesunondunghillshine。NYMIthanktheeforthathumour。FALSTAFFO,shedidsocourseo’ermyexteriorswithsuchagreedyintention,thattheappetiteofhereyedidseemtoscorchmeuplikeaburning—glass!Here’sanotherlettertoher:shebearsthepursetoo;
sheisaregioninGuiana,allgoldandbounty。I
willbecheatertothemboth,andtheyshallbeexchequerstome;theyshallbemyEastandWestIndies,andIwilltradetothemboth。GobearthouthislettertoMistressPage;andthouthistoMistressFord:wewillthrive,lads,wewillthrive。PISTOLShallISirPandarusofTroybecome,Andbymysidewearsteel?then,Lucifertakeall!NYMIwillrunnobasehumour:here,takethehumour—letter:Iwillkeepthehaviorofreputation。FALSTAFF[ToROBIN]Hold,sirrah,bearyoutheseletterstightly;
Saillikemypinnacetothesegoldenshores。
Rogues,hence,avaunt!vanishlikehailstones,go;
Trudge,plodawayo’thehoof;seekshelter,pack!
Falstaffwilllearnthehumouroftheage,Frenchthrift,yourogues;myselfandskirtedpage。
ExeuntFALSTAFFandROBINPISTOLLetvulturesgripethyguts!forgourdandfullamholds,Andhighandlowbeguilestherichandpoor:
TesterI’llhaveinpouchwhenthoushaltlack,BasePhrygianTurk!NYMIhaveoperationswhichbehumoursofrevenge。PISTOLWiltthourevenge?NYMBywelkinandherstar!PISTOLWithwitorsteel?NYMWithboththehumours,I:
IwilldiscussthehumourofthislovetoPage。PISTOLAndItoFordshallekeunfoldHowFalstaff,varletvile,Hisdovewillprove,hisgoldwillhold,Andhissoftcouchdefile。NYMMyhumourshallnotcool:IwillincensePagetodealwithpoison;Iwillpossesshimwithyellowness,fortherevoltofmineisdangerous:
thatismytruehumour。PISTOLThouarttheMarsofmalecontents:Isecondthee;troopon。
ExeuntSCENEIV。AroominDOCTORCAIUS’house。EnterMISTRESSQUICKLY,SIMPLE,andRUGBYMISTRESSQUICKLYWhat,JohnRugby!Ipraythee,gotothecasement,andseeifyoucanseemymaster,MasterDoctorCaius,coming。Ifhedo,i’faith,andfindanybodyinthehouse,herewillbeanoldabusingofGod’spatienceandtheking’sEnglish。RUGBYI’llgowatch。MISTRESSQUICKLYGo;andwe’llhaveapossetfor’tsoonatnight,infaith,atthelatterendofasea—coalfire。
ExitRUGBY
Anhonest,willing,kindfellow,aseverservantshallcomeinhousewithal,and,Iwarrantyou,notell—talenornobreed—bate:hisworstfaultis,thatheisgiventoprayer;heissomethingpeevishthatway:butnobodybuthashisfault;butletthatpass。PeterSimple,yousayyournameis?SIMPLEAy,forfaultofabetter。MISTRESSQUICKLYAndMasterSlender’syourmaster?SIMPLEAy,forsooth。MISTRESSQUICKLYDoeshenotwearagreatroundbeard,likeaglover’sparing—knife?SIMPLENo,forsooth:hehathbutalittleweeface,withalittleyellowbeard,aCain—colouredbeard。MISTRESSQUICKLYAsoftly—sprightedman,ishenot?SIMPLEAy,forsooth:butheisastallamanofhishandsasanyisbetweenthisandhishead;hehathfoughtwithawarrener。MISTRESSQUICKLYHowsayyou?O,Ishouldrememberhim:
doeshenotholduphishead,asitwere,andstrutinhisgait?SIMPLEYes,indeed,doeshe。MISTRESSQUICKLYWell,heavensendAnnePagenoworsefortune!
TellMasterParsonEvansIwilldowhatIcanforyourmaster:Anneisagoodgirl,andIwish——
Re—enterRUGBYRUGBYOut,alas!herecomesmymaster。MISTRESSQUICKLYWeshallallbeshent。Runinhere,goodyoungman;
gointothiscloset:hewillnotstaylong。
ShutsSIMPLEintheclosetWhat,JohnRugby!John!what,John,Isay!
Go,John,goinquireformymaster;Idoubthebenotwell,thathecomesnothome。
SingingAnddown,down,adown—a,&;c。
EnterDOCTORCAIUSDOCTORCAIUSVatisyousing?Idonotlikedestoys。
Prayyou,goandvetchmeinmyclosetunboitiervert,abox,agreen—abox:dointendvatIspeak?agreen—abox。MISTRESSQUICKLYAy,forsooth;I’llfetchityou。
AsideIamgladhewentnotinhimself:ifhehadfoundtheyoungman,hewouldhavebeenhorn—mad。DOCTORCAIUSFe,fe,fe,fe!mafoi,ilfaitfortchaud。
Jem’envaisalacour——lagrandeaffaire。MISTRESSQUICKLYIsitthis,sir?DOCTORCAIUSOui;metteleaumonpocket:depeche,quickly。VereisdatknaveRugby?MISTRESSQUICKLYWhat,JohnRugby!John!RUGBYHere,sir!DOCTORCAIUSYouareJohnRugby,andyouareJackRugby。
Come,take—ayourrapier,andcomeaftermyheeltothecourt。RUGBY’Tisready,sir,hereintheporch。DOCTORCAIUSBymytrot,Itarrytoolong。Od’sme!
Qu’ai—j’oublie!dereissomesimplesinmycloset,datIvillnotforthevarldIshallleavebehind。MISTRESSQUICKLYAyme,he’llfindtheyoungmanhere,andbemad!DOCTORCAIUSOdiable,diable!vatisinmycloset?
Villain!larron!
PullingSIMPLEoutRugby,myrapier!MISTRESSQUICKLYGoodmaster,becontent。DOCTORCAIUSWhereforeshallIbecontent—a?MISTRESSQUICKLYTheyoungmanisanhonestman。DOCTORCAIUSWhatshalldehonestmandoinmycloset?
dereisnohonestmandatshallcomeinmycloset。MISTRESSQUICKLYIbeseechyou,benotsophlegmatic。Hearthetruthofit:hecameofanerrandtomefromParsonHugh。DOCTORCAIUSVell。SIMPLEAy,forsooth;todesireherto——MISTRESSQUICKLYPeace,Iprayyou。DOCTORCAIUSPeace—ayourtongue。Speak—ayourtale。SIMPLETodesirethishonestgentlewoman,yourmaid,tospeakagoodwordtoMistressAnnePageformymasterinthewayofmarriage。MISTRESSQUICKLYThisisall,indeed,la!butI’llne’erputmyfingerinthefire,andneednot。DOCTORCAIUSSirHughsend—ayou?Rugby,baillemesomepaper。
Tarryyoualittle—awhile。
WritesMISTRESSQUICKLY[AsidetoSIMPLE]Iamgladheissoquiet:
ifhehadbeenthoroughlymoved,youshouldhaveheardhimsoloudandsomelancholy。Butnotwithstanding,man,I’lldoyouyourmasterwhatgoodIcan:
andtheveryyeaandthenois,theFrenchdoctor,mymaster,——Imaycallhimmymaster,lookyou,forI
keephishouse;andIwash,wring,brew,bake,scour,dressmeatanddrink,makethebedsanddoallmyself,——SIMPLE[AsidetoMISTRESSQUICKLY]’Tisagreatchargetocomeunderonebody’shand。MISTRESSQUICKLY[AsidetoSIMPLE]Areyouavisedo’that?
youshallfinditagreatcharge:andtobeupearlyanddownlate;butnotwithstanding,——totellyouinyourear;Iwouldhavenowordsofit,——mymasterhimselfisinlovewithMistressAnnePage:butnotwithstandingthat,IknowAnne’smind,——that’sneitherherenorthere。DOCTORCAIUSYoujack’nape,give—athislettertoSirHugh;bygar,itisashallenge:Iwillcuthistroatindeepark;andIwillteachascurvyjack—a—napepriesttomeddleormake。Youmaybegone;itisnotgoodyoutarryhere。Bygar,Iwillcutallhistwostones;bygar,heshallnothaveastonetothrowathisdog:
ExitSIMPLEMISTRESSQUICKLYAlas,hespeaksbutforhisfriend。DOCTORCAIUSItisnomatter—averdat:donotyoutell—amedatIshallhaveAnnePageformyself?Bygar,I
villkilldeJackpriest;andIhaveappointedminehostofdeJarteertomeasureourweapon。Bygar,I
willmyselfhaveAnnePage。MISTRESSQUICKLYSir,themaidlovesyou,andallshallbewell。Wemustgivefolksleavetoprate:what,thegood—jer!DOCTORCAIUSRugby,cometothecourtwithme。Bygar,ifIhavenotAnnePage,Ishallturnyourheadoutofmydoor。Followmyheels,Rugby。
ExeuntDOCTORCAIUSandRUGBYMISTRESSQUICKLYYoushallhaveAnfool’s—headofyourown。No,I
knowAnne’smindforthat:neverawomaninWindsorknowsmoreofAnne’smindthanIdo;norcandomorethanIdowithher,Ithankheaven。FENTON[Within]Who’swithinthere?ho!MISTRESSQUICKLYWho’sthere,Itrow!Comenearthehouse,Iprayyou。
EnterFENTONFENTONHownow,goodwoman?howdostthou?MISTRESSQUICKLYThebetterthatitpleasesyourgoodworshiptoask。FENTONWhatnews?howdoesprettyMistressAnne?MISTRESSQUICKLYIntruth,sir,andsheispretty,andhonest,andgentle;andonethatisyourfriend,Icantellyouthatbytheway;Ipraiseheavenforit。FENTONShallIdoanygood,thinkestthou?shallInotlosemysuit?MISTRESSQUICKLYTroth,sir,allisinhishandsabove:
butnotwithstanding,MasterFenton,I’llbeswornonabook,shelovesyou。Havenotyourworshipawartaboveyoureye?FENTONYes,marry,haveI;whatofthat?MISTRESSQUICKLYWell,therebyhangsatale:goodfaith,itissuchanotherNan;but,Idetest,anhonestmaidaseverbrokebread:wehadanhour’stalkofthatwart。
I
shallneverlaughbutinthatmaid’scompany!
Butindeedsheisgiventoomuchtoallicholyandmusing:butforyou——well,goto。FENTONWell,Ishallseeherto—day。Hold,there’smoneyforthee;letmehavethyvoiceinmybehalf:
ifthouseestherbeforeme,commendme。MISTRESSQUICKLYWillI?i’faith,thatwewill;andI
willtellyourworshipmoreofthewartthenexttimewehaveconfidence;andofotherwooers。FENTONWell,farewell;Iamingreathastenow。MISTRESSQUICKLYFarewelltoyourworship。
ExitFENTON
Truly,anhonestgentleman:butAnneloveshimnot;
forIknowAnne’smindaswellasanotherdoes。
Outupon’t!whathaveIforgot?
ExitACTIISCENEI。BeforePAGE’Shouse。EnterMISTRESSPAGE,withaletterMISTRESSPAGEWhat,haveIscapedlove—lettersintheholiday—
timeofmybeauty,andamInowasubjectforthem?
Letmesee。
Reads’AskmenoreasonwhyIloveyou;forthoughLoveuseReasonforhisphysician,headmitshimnotforhiscounsellor。Youarenotyoung,nomoreamI;gotothen,there’ssympathy:youaremerry,soamI;ha,ha!thenthere’smoresympathy:youlovesack,andsodoI;wouldyoudesirebettersympathy?Letitsufficethee,MistressPage,——attheleast,iftheloveofsoldiercansuffice,——
thatIlovethee。Iwillnotsay,pityme;’tisnotasoldier—likephrase:butIsay,loveme。
Byme,Thineowntrueknight,Bydayornight,Oranykindoflight,WithallhismightFortheetofight,JOHNFALSTAFF’
WhataHerodofJewryisthis!Owickedworld!Onethatiswell—nighworntopieceswithagetoshowhimselfayounggallant!WhatanunweighedbehaviorhaththisFlemishdrunkardpicked——withthedevil’sname!——outofmyconversation,thathedaresinthismannerassayme?
Why,hehathnotbeenthriceinmycompany!WhatshouldIsaytohim?Iwasthenfrugalofmymirth:Heavenforgiveme!Why,I’llexhibitabillintheparliamentfortheputtingdownofmen。
HowshallIberevengedonhim?forrevengedIwillbe,assureashisgutsaremadeofpuddings。
EnterMISTRESSFORDMISTRESSFORDMistressPage!trustme,Iwasgoingtoyourhouse。MISTRESSPAGEAnd,trustme,Iwascomingtoyou。Youlookveryill。MISTRESSFORDNay,I’llne’erbelievethat;Ihavetoshowtothecontrary。MISTRESSPAGEFaith,butyoudo,inmymind。MISTRESSFORDWell,Idothen;yetIsayIcouldshowyoutothecontrary。OMistressPage,givemesomecounsel!MISTRESSPAGEWhat’sthematter,woman?MISTRESSFORDOwoman,ifitwerenotforonetriflingrespect,I
couldcometosuchhonour!MISTRESSPAGEHangthetrifle,woman!takethehonour。
Whatisit?dispensewithtrifles;whatisit?MISTRESSFORDIfIwouldbutgotohellforaneternalmomentorso,Icouldbeknighted。MISTRESSPAGEWhat?thouliest!SirAliceFord!Theseknightswillhack;andsothoushouldstnotalterthearticleofthygentry。MISTRESSFORDWeburndaylight:here,read,read;perceivehowI
mightbeknighted。Ishallthinktheworseoffatmen,aslongasIhaveaneyetomakedifferenceofmen’sliking:andyethewouldnotswear;praisedwomen’smodesty;andgavesuchorderlyandwell—behavedreprooftoalluncomeliness,thatI
wouldhaveswornhisdispositionwouldhavegonetothetruthofhiswords;buttheydonomoreadhereandkeepplacetogetherthantheHundredthPsalmtothetuneof’GreenSleeves。’Whattempest,Itrow,threwthiswhale,withsomanytunsofoilinhisbelly,ashoreatWindsor?HowshallIberevengedonhim?Ithinkthebestwayweretoentertainhimwithhope,tillthewickedfireoflusthavemeltedhiminhisowngrease。Didyoueverhearthelike?MISTRESSPAGELetterforletter,butthatthenameofPageandForddiffers!Tothygreatcomfortinthismysteryofillopinions,here’sthetwin—brotherofthyletter:butletthineinheritfirst;for,I
protest,minenevershall。Iwarranthehathathousandoftheseletters,writwithblankspacefordifferentnames——sure,more,——andtheseareofthesecondedition:hewillprintthem,outofdoubt;
forhecaresnotwhatheputsintothepress,whenhewouldputustwo。Ihadratherbeagiantess,andlieunderMountPelion。Well,Iwillfindyoutwentylasciviousturtlesereonechasteman。MISTRESSFORDWhy,thisistheverysame;theveryhand,theverywords。Whatdothhethinkofus?MISTRESSPAGENay,Iknownot:itmakesmealmostreadytowranglewithmineownhonesty。I’llentertainmyselflikeonethatIamnotacquaintedwithal;
for,sure,unlessheknowsomestraininme,thatI
knownotmyself,hewouldneverhaveboardedmeinthisfury。MISTRESSFORD’Boarding,’callyouit?I’llbesuretokeephimabovedeck。MISTRESSPAGESowillIifhecomeundermyhatches,I’llnevertoseaagain。Let’sberevengedonhim:let’sappointhimameeting;givehimashowofcomfortinhissuitandleadhimonwithafine—baiteddelay,tillhehathpawnedhishorsestominehostoftheGarter。MISTRESSFORDNay,Iwillconsenttoactanyvillanyagainsthim,thatmaynotsullythecharinessofourhonesty。
O,thatmyhusbandsawthisletter!itwouldgiveeternalfoodtohisjealousy。MISTRESSPAGEWhy,lookwherehecomes;andmygoodmantoo:he’sasfarfromjealousyasIamfromgivinghimcause;
andthatIhopeisanunmeasurabledistance。MISTRESSFORDYouarethehappierwoman。MISTRESSPAGELet’sconsulttogetheragainstthisgreasyknight。
Comehither。
TheyretireEnterFORDwithPISTOL,andPAGEwithNYMFORDWell,Ihopeitbenotso。PISTOLHopeisacurtaldoginsomeaffairs:
SirJohnaffectsthywife。FORDWhy,sir,mywifeisnotyoung。PISTOLHewooesbothhighandlow,bothrichandpoor,Bothyoungandold,onewithanother,Ford;
Helovesthegallimaufry:Ford,perpend。FORDLovemywife!PISTOLWithliverburninghot。Prevent,orgothou,LikeSirActaeonhe,withRingwoodatthyheels:
O,odiousisthename!FORDWhatname,sir?PISTOLThehorn,Isay。Farewell。
Takeheed,haveopeneye,forthievesdofootbynight:
Takeheed,eresummercomesorcuckoo—birdsdosing。
Away,SirCorporalNym!
Believeit,Page;hespeakssense。
ExitFORD[Aside]Iwillbepatient;Iwillfindoutthis。NYM[ToPAGE]Andthisistrue;Ilikenotthehumouroflying。Hehathwrongedmeinsomehumours:
I
shouldhavebornethehumouredlettertoher;
butI
haveaswordanditshallbiteuponmynecessity。
Helovesyourwife;there’stheshortandthelong。
MynameisCorporalNym;IspeakandIavouch;
’tistrue:mynameisNymandFalstafflovesyourwife。
Adieu。Ilovenotthehumourofbreadandcheese,andthere’sthehumourofit。Adieu。
ExitPAGE’Thehumourofit,’quotha’!here’safellowfrightsEnglishoutofhiswits。FORDIwillseekoutFalstaff。PAGEIneverheardsuchadrawling,affectingrogue。FORDIfIdofindit:well。PAGEIwillnotbelievesuchaCataian,thoughthepriesto’thetowncommendedhimforatrueman。FORD’Twasagoodsensiblefellow:well。PAGEHownow,Meg!
MISTRESSPAGEandMISTRESSFORDcomeforwardMISTRESSPAGEWhithergoyou,George?Harkyou。MISTRESSFORDHownow,sweetFrank!whyartthoumelancholy?FORDImelancholy!Iamnotmelancholy。Getyouhome,go。MISTRESSFORDFaith,thouhastsomecrotchetsinthyhead。Now,willyougo,MistressPage?MISTRESSPAGEHavewithyou。You’llcometodinner,George。
AsidetoMISTRESSFORD
Lookwhocomesyonder:sheshallbeourmessengertothispaltryknight。MISTRESSFORD[AsidetoMISTRESSPAGE]Trustme,I
thoughtonher:
she’llfitit。
EnterMISTRESSQUICKLYMISTRESSPAGEYouarecometoseemydaughterAnne?MISTRESSQUICKLYAy,forsooth;and,Ipray,howdoesgoodMistressAnne?MISTRESSPAGEGoinwithusandsee:wehaveanhour’stalkwithyou。
ExeuntMISTRESSPAGE,MISTRESSFORD,andMISTRESSQUICKLYPAGEHownow,MasterFord!FORDYouheardwhatthisknavetoldme,didyounot?PAGEYes:andyouheardwhattheothertoldme?FORDDoyouthinkthereistruthinthem?PAGEHang’em,slaves!Idonotthinktheknightwouldofferit:butthesethataccusehiminhisintenttowardsourwivesareayokeofhisdiscardedmen;
veryrogues,nowtheybeoutofservice。FORDWeretheyhismen?PAGEMarry,werethey。FORDIlikeitneverthebetterforthat。
DoeshelieattheGarter?PAGEAy,marry,doeshe。Ifheshouldintendthisvoyagetowardsmywife,Iwouldturnherloosetohim;
andwhathegetsmoreofherthansharpwords,letitlieonmyhead。FORDIdonotmisdoubtmywife;butIwouldbeloathtoturnthemtogether。Amanmaybetooconfident:
I
wouldhavenothinglieonmyhead:Icannotbethussatisfied。PAGELookwheremyrantinghostoftheGartercomes:
thereiseitherliquorinhispateormoneyinhispursewhenhelookssomerrily。
EnterHostHownow,minehost!HostHownow,bully—rook!thou’rtagentleman。
Cavaleiro—justice,Isay!
EnterSHALLOWSHALLOWIfollow,minehost,Ifollow。Goodevenandtwenty,goodMasterPage!MasterPage,willyougowithus?wehavesportinhand。HostTellhim,cavaleiro—justice;tellhim,bully—rook。SHALLOWSir,thereisafraytobefoughtbetweenSirHughtheWelshpriestandCaiustheFrenchdoctor。FORDGoodminehosto’theGarter,awordwithyou。
DrawinghimasideHostWhatsayestthou,mybully—rook?SHALLOW[ToPAGE]Willyougowithustobeholdit?Mymerryhosthathhadthemeasuringoftheirweapons;
and,Ithink,hathappointedthemcontraryplaces;
for,believeme,Iheartheparsonisnojester。
Hark,Iwilltellyouwhatoursportshallbe。
TheyconverseapartHostHastthounosuitagainstmyknight,myguest—cavaleire?FORDNone,Iprotest:butI’llgiveyouapottleofburntsacktogivemerecoursetohimandtellhimmynameisBrook;onlyforajest。HostMyhand,bully;thoushalthaveegressandregress;
——saidIwell?——andthynameshallbeBrook。
Itisamerryknight。Willyougo,An—heires?SHALLOWHavewithyou,minehost。PAGEIhaveheardtheFrenchmanhathgoodskillinhisrapier。SHALLOWTut,sir,Icouldhavetoldyoumore。
Inthesetimesyoustandondistance,yourpasses,stoccadoes,andIknownotwhat:’tistheheart,MasterPage;
’tishere,’tishere。Ihaveseenthetime,withmylongswordIwouldhavemadeyoufourtallfellowsskiplikerats。HostHere,boys,here,here!shallwewag?PAGEHavewithyou。Iwouldratherhearthemscoldthanfight。
ExeuntHost,SHALLOW,andPAGEFORDThoughPagebeasecurefool,anstandssofirmlyonhiswife’sfrailty,yetIcannotputoffmyopinionsoeasily:shewasinhiscompanyatPage’shouse;andwhattheymadethere,Iknownot。
Well,Iwilllookfurtherinto’t:andIhaveadisguisetosoundFalstaff。IfIfindherhonest,Ilosenotmylabour;ifshebeotherwise,’tislabourwellbestowed。
ExitSCENEII。AroomintheGarterInn。EnterFALSTAFFandPISTOLFALSTAFFIwillnotlendtheeapenny。PISTOLWhy,thentheworld’smineoyster。
WhichIwithswordwillopen。FALSTAFFNotapenny。Ihavebeencontent,sir,youshouldlaymycountenancetopawn;Ihavegrateduponmygoodfriendsforthreereprievesforyouandyourcoach—fellowNym;orelseyouhadlookedthroughthegrate,likeageminyofbaboons。Iamdamnedinhellforswearingtogentlemenmyfriends,youweregoodsoldiersandtallfellows;andwhenMistressBridgetlostthehandleofherfan,Itook’tuponminehonourthouhadstitnot。PISTOLDidstnotthoushare?hadstthounotfifteenpence?FALSTAFFReason,yourogue,reason:thinkestthouI’llendangermysoulgratis?Ataword,hangnomoreaboutme,Iamnogibbetforyou。Go。Ashortknifeandathrong!ToyourmanorofPickt—hatch!Go。
You’llnotbearaletterforme,yourogue!youstanduponyourhonour!Why,thouunconfinablebaseness,itisasmuchasIcandotokeepthetermsofmyhonourprecise:I,I,Imyselfsometimes,leavingthefearofGodonthelefthandandhidingminehonourinmynecessity,amfaintoshuffle,tohedgeandtolurch;andyetyou,rogue,willensconceyourrags,yourcat—a—mountainlooks,yourred—latticephrases,andyourbold—beatingoaths,undertheshelterofyourhonour!Youwillnotdoit,you!PISTOLIdorelent:whatwouldthoumoreofman?
EnterROBINROBINSir,here’sawomanwouldspeakwithyou。FALSTAFFLetherapproach。
EnterMISTRESSQUICKLYMISTRESSQUICKLYGiveyourworshipgoodmorrow。FALSTAFFGoodmorrow,goodwife。MISTRESSQUICKLYNotso,an’tpleaseyourworship。FALSTAFFGoodmaid,then。MISTRESSQUICKLYI’llbesworn,Asmymotherwas,thefirsthourIwasborn。FALSTAFFIdobelievetheswearer。Whatwithme?MISTRESSQUICKLYShallIvouchsafeyourworshipawordortwo?FALSTAFFTwothousand,fairwoman:andI’llvouchsafetheethehearing。MISTRESSQUICKLYThereisoneMistressFord,sir:——Ipray,comealittlenearerthisways:——ImyselfdwellwithmasterDoctorCaius,——FALSTAFFWell,on:MistressFord,yousay,——MISTRESSQUICKLYYourworshipsaysverytrue:Iprayyourworship,comealittlenearerthisways。FALSTAFFIwarrantthee,nobodyhears;mineownpeople,mineownpeople。MISTRESSQUICKLYAretheyso?Godblessthemandmakethemhisservants!FALSTAFFWell,MistressFord;whatofher?MISTRESSQUICKLYWhy,sir,she’sagoodcreature。LordLord!yourworship’sawanton!Well,heavenforgiveyouandallofus,Ipray!FALSTAFFMistressFord;come,MistressFord,——MISTRESSQUICKLYMarry,thisistheshortandthelongofit;youhavebroughtherintosuchacanariesas’tiswonderful。Thebestcourtierofthemall,whenthecourtlayatWindsor,couldneverhavebroughthertosuchacanary。Yettherehasbeenknights,andlords,andgentlemen,withtheircoaches,Iwarrantyou,coachaftercoach,letterafterletter,giftaftergift;smellingsosweetly,allmusk,andsorushling,Iwarrantyou,insilkandgold;andinsuchalligantterms;andinsuchwineandsugarofthebestandthefairest,thatwouldhavewonanywoman’sheart;and,Iwarrantyou,theycouldnevergetaneye—winkofher:Ihadmyselftwentyangelsgivenmethismorning;butIdefyallangels,inanysuchsort,astheysay,butinthewayofhonesty:and,Iwarrantyou,theycouldnevergethersomuchassiponacupwiththeproudestofthemall:andyettherehasbeenearls,nay,whichismore,pensioners;but,Iwarrantyou,allisonewithher。FALSTAFFButwhatsaysshetome?bebrief,mygoodshe—Mercury。MISTRESSQUICKLYMarry,shehathreceivedyourletter,forthewhichshethanksyouathousandtimes;andshegivesyoutonotifythatherhusbandwillbeabsencefromhishousebetweentenandeleven。FALSTAFFTenandeleven?MISTRESSQUICKLYAy,forsooth;andthenyoumaycomeandseethepicture,shesays,thatyouwotof:MasterFord,herhusband,willbefromhome。Alas!thesweetwomanleadsanilllifewithhim:he’saveryjealousyman:sheleadsaveryframpoldlifewithhim,goodheart。FALSTAFFTenandeleven。Woman,commendmetoher;
Iwillnotfailher。MISTRESSQUICKLYWhy,yousaywell。ButIhaveanothermessengertoyourworship。MistressPagehathherheartycommendationstoyoutoo:andletmetellyouinyourear,she’sasfartuousacivilmodestwife,andone,Itellyou,thatwillnotmissyoumorningnoreveningprayer,asanyisinWindsor,whoe’erbetheother:andshebademetellyourworshipthatherhusbandisseldomfromhome;butshehopestherewillcomeatime。Ineverknewawomansodoteuponaman:surelyIthinkyouhavecharms,la;yes,intruth。FALSTAFFNotI,Iassurethee:settingtheattractionsofmygoodpartsasideIhavenoothercharms。MISTRESSQUICKLYBlessingonyourheartfor’t!FALSTAFFBut,Ipraythee,tellmethis:hasFord’swifeandPage’swifeacquaintedeachotherhowtheyloveme?MISTRESSQUICKLYThatwereajestindeed!theyhavenotsolittlegrace,Ihope:thatwereatrickindeed!butMistressPagewoulddesireyoutosendheryourlittlepage,ofallloves:herhusbandhasamarvellousinfectiontothelittlepage;andtrulyMasterPageisanhonestman。NeverawifeinWindsorleadsabetterlifethanshedoes:dowhatshewill,saywhatshewill,takeall,payall,gotobedwhenshelist,risewhenshelist,allisasshewill:andtrulyshedeservesit;foriftherebeakindwomaninWindsor,sheisone。Youmustsendheryourpage;noremedy。FALSTAFFWhy,Iwill。MISTRESSQUICKLYNay,butdoso,then:and,lookyou,hemaycomeandgobetweenyouboth;andinanycasehaveanay—word,thatyoumayknowoneanother’smind,andtheboyneverneedtounderstandanything;for’tisnotgoodthatchildrenshouldknowanywickedness:oldfolks,youknow,havediscretion,astheysay,andknowtheworld。FALSTAFFFaretheewell:commendmetothemboth:
there’smypurse;Iamyetthydebtor。Boy,goalongwiththiswoman。
ExeuntMISTRESSQUICKLYandROBIN
Thisnewsdistractsme!PISTOLThispunkisoneofCupid’scarriers:
Claponmoresails;pursue;upwithyourfights:
Givefire:sheismyprize,oroceanwhelmthemall!
ExitFALSTAFFSayestthouso,oldJack?gothyways;
I’llmakemoreofthyoldbodythanIhavedone。Willtheyyetlookafterthee?Wiltthou,aftertheexpenseofsomuchmoney,benowagainer?Goodbody,I
thankthee。Letthemsay’tisgrosslydone;soitbefairlydone,nomatter。
EnterBARDOLPHBARDOLPHSirJohn,there’soneMasterBrookbelowwouldfainspeakwithyou,andbeacquaintedwithyou;andhathsentyourworshipamorning’sdraughtofsack。FALSTAFFBrookishisname?BARDOLPHAy,sir。FALSTAFFCallhimin。
ExitBARDOLPH
SuchBrooksarewelcometome,thato’erflowsuchliquor。Ah,ha!MistressFordandMistressPagehaveIencompassedyou?goto;via!
Re—enterBARDOLPH,withFORDdisguisedFORDBlessyou,sir!FALSTAFFAndyou,sir!Wouldyouspeakwithme?FORDImakeboldtopresswithsolittlepreparationuponyou。FALSTAFFYou’rewelcome。What’syourwill?Giveusleave,drawer。