Tattlesnivelstoopstodemandnochampionshipfromhersons。OnanoccasioninHistory，ourbluffBritishmonarch，ourEighthRoyalHarry，almostwentthere。Andlongeretheperiodicalinwhichthisexposurewillappear，hadsprungintobeing，Tattlesnivelhadunfurledthatstandardwhichyetwavesuponherbattlements。Thestandardalludedto，isTHETATTLESNIVELBLEATER，containingthelatestintelligence，andstateofmarkets，downtothehourofgoingtopress，andpresentingafavourablelocalmediumforadvertisers，onagraduatedscaleofcharges，considerablydiminishinginproportiontotheguaranteednumberofinsertions。
　　ItwerebootlesstoexpatiateonthehostoftalentengagedinformidablephalanxtodofealtytotheBleater。Sufficeittoselect，forpresentpurposes，oneofthemostgiftedand（butforthewideanddeepramificationsofanun—Englishconspiracy）mostrising，ofthemenwhoareboldAlbion’spride。Itwereneedless，afterthispreamble，topointthefingermoredirectlyattheLONDON
　　CORRESPONDENTOFTHETATTLESNIVELBLEATER。
　　OntheweeklylettersofthatCorrespondent，ontheflexibilityoftheirEnglish，ontheboldnessoftheirgrammar，ontheoriginalityoftheirquotations（nevertobefoundastheyareprinted，inanybookexisting），onthepriorityoftheirinformation，ontheirintimateacquaintancewiththesecretthoughtsandunexecutedintentionsofmen，itwouldillbecomethehumbleTattlesnivellianwhotracesthesewords，todwell。Theyaregraveninthememory；
　　theyareontheBleater’sfile。Letthembereferredto。
　　Butfromtheinfamous，thedark，thesubtleconspiracywhichspreadsitsbalefulrootsthroughouttheland，andofwhichtheBleater’sLondonCorrespondentistheonesolesubject，itisthepurposeofthelowlyTattlesnivellianwhoundertakesthisrevelation，toteartheveil。Norwillheshrinkfromhisself—imposedlabour，Herculeanthoughitbe。
　　TheconspiracybeginsintheveryPalaceoftheSovereignLadyofourOceanIsle。LealandloyalasitistheproudvauntoftheBleater’sreaders，oneandall，tobe，theinhabitantwhopensthisexposuredoesnotpersonallyimpeach，eitherherMajestythequeen，ortheillustriousPrinceConsort。But，somesilken—cladsmoothers，somepurpleparasites，somefawnersinfrippery，somegreedyandbegarteredonesingorgeousgarments，hedoesimpeach——ay，andwrathfully!Isitaskedonwhatgrounds？Theyshallbestated。
　　TheBleater’sLondonCorrespondent，intheprosecutionofhisimportantinquiries，goesdowntoWindsor，sendsinhiscard，hasaconfidentialinterviewwithherMajestyandtheillustriousPrinceConsort。Foratime，therestraintsofRoyaltyarethrownasideinthecheerfulconversationoftheBleater’sLondonCorrespondent，inhisfundofinformation，inhisflowofanecdote，intheatmosphereofhisgenius；herMajestybrightens，theillustriousPrinceConsortthaws，thecaresofStateandtheconflictsofPartyareforgotten，lunchisproposed。Overthatunassuminganddomestictable，herMajestycommunicatestotheBleater’sLondonCorrespondentthatitisherintentiontosendhisRoyalHighnessthePrinceofWalestoinspectthetopoftheGreatPyramid——thinkingitlikelytoimprovehisacquaintancewiththeviewsofthepeople。HerMajestyfurthercommunicatesthatshehasmadeupherroyalmind（andthatthePrinceConsorthasmadeuphisillustriousmind）tothebestowalofthevacantGarter，letussayonMr。Roebuck。TheyoungerRoyalchildrenhavingbeenintroducedattherequestoftheBleater’sLondonCorrespondent，andhavingbeenbyhimcloselyobservedtopresenttheusualexternalindicationsofgoodhealth，thehappyknotissevered，withasightheRoyalbowisoncemorestrungtoitsfulltension，theBleater’sLondonCorrespondentreturnstoLondon，writeshisletter，andtellstheTattlesnivelBleaterwhatheknows。AllTattlesnivelreadsit，andknowsthatheknowsit。
　　But，DOEShisRoyalHighnessthePrinceofWalesultimatelygotothetopoftheGreatPyramid？DOESMr。RoebuckultimatelygettheGarter？No。AretheyoungerRoyalchildrenevenultimatelyfoundtobewell？Onthecontrary，theyhave——andonthatverydayhad——
　　themeasles。Whyisthis？BECAUSETHECONSPIRATORSAGAINSTTHE
　　BLEATER’SLONDONCORRESPONDENTHAVESTEPPEDINWITHTHEIRDARK
　　MACHINATIONS。BecauseherMajestyandthePrinceConsortareartfullyinducedtochangetheirminds，fromnorthtosouth，fromeasttowest，immediatelyafteritisknowntotheconspiratorsthattheyhaveputthemselvesincommunicationwiththeBleater’sLondonCorrespondent。Itisnowindignantlydemanded，bywhomaretheysotamperedwith？Itisnowindignantlydemanded，whotooktheresponsibilityofconcealingtheindispositionofthoseRoyalchildrenfromtheirRoyalandillustriousparents，andofbringingthemdownfromtheirbeds，disguised，expresslytoconfoundtheLondonCorrespondentoftheTattlesnivelBleater？Whoarethosepersons，itisagainasked？Letnotrankandfavourprotectthem。
　　Letthetraitorsbeexhibitedinthefaceofday!
　　LordJohnRussellisinthisconspiracy。TellusnotthathisLordshipisamanoftoomuchspiritandhonour。Denunciationishurledagainsthim。Theproof？Theproofishere。
　　TheTimeispantingforananswertothequestion，WillLordJohnRussellconsenttotakeofficeunderLordPalmerston？Good。TheLondonCorrespondentoftheTattlesnivelBleaterisintheactofwritinghisweeklyletter，findshimselfratheratalosstosettlethisquestionfinally，leavesoff，putshishaton，goesdowntothelobbyoftheHouseofCommons，sendsinforLordJohnRussell，andhashimout。HedrawshisarmthroughhisLordship’s，takeshimaside，andsays，"John，willyoueveracceptofficeunderPalmerston？"HisLordshipreplies，"Iwillnot。"TheBleater’sLondonCorrespondentretorts，withthecautionsuchamanisboundtouse，"John，thinkagain；saynothingtomerashly；isthereanytemperhere？"HisLordshipreplies，calmly，"Nonewhatever。"Aftergivinghimtimeforreflection，theBleater’sLondonCorrespondentsays，"Oncemore，John，letmeputaquestiontoyou。WillyoueveracceptofficeunderPalmerston？"HisLordshipanswers（notetheexactexpressions），"Nothingshallinduceme，evertoacceptaseatinaCabinetofwhichPalmerstonistheChief。"Theypart，theLondonCorrespondentoftheTattlesnivelBleaterfinisheshisletter，and——alwaysbeingwithheldbymotivesofdelicacy，fromplainlydivulginghismeansofgettingaccurateinformationoneverysubject，atfirsthand——putsinit，thispassage："LordJohnRussellisspokenof，byblunderers，forForeignAffairs；butIhavethebestreasonsforassuringyourreaders，that"（givingprominencetotheexactexpressions，itwillbeobserved）"’NOTHINGWILLEVER
　　INDUCEHIM，TOACCEPTASEATINACABINETOFWHICHPALMERSTONISTHE
　　CHIEF。’Onthisyoumayimplicitlyrely。"Whathappens？OntheverydayofthepublicationofthatnumberoftheBleater——themalignityoftheconspiratorsbeingevenmanifestedintheselectionoftheday——LordJohnRusselltakestheForeignOffice!Commentweresuperfluous。
　　ThepeopleofTattlesnivelwillbetold，havebeentold，thatLordJohnRussellisamanofhisword。Hemaybe，onsomeoccasions；
　　but，whenovershadowedbythisdarkandenormousgrowthofconspiracy，Tattlesnivelknowshimtobeotherwise。"Ihappentobecertain，derivingmyinformationfromasourcewhichcannotbedoubtedtobeauthentic，"wrotetheLondonCorrespondentoftheBleater，withinthelastyear，"thatLordJohnRussellbitterlyregretshavingmadethatexplicitspeechoflastMonday。"Thesearenotroundaboutphrases；theseareplainwords。WhatdoesLordJohnRussell（apparentlybyaccident），withineight—and—fortyhoursaftertheirdiffusionoverthecivilisedglobe？RisesinhisplaceinParliament，andunblushinglydeclaresthatiftheoccasioncouldarisefivehundredtimes，forhismakingthatveryspeech，hewouldmakeitfivehundredtimes!Istherenoconspiracyhere？Andisthiscombinationagainstonewhowouldbealwaysrightifhewerenotprovedalwayswrong，tobeenduredinacountrythatboastsofitsfreedomanditsfairness？
　　But，theTattlesnivellianwhonowraiseshisvoiceagainstintolerableoppression，maybetoldthat，afterall，thisisapoliticalconspiracy。Hemaybetold，forsooth，thatMr。Disraeli’sbeinginit，thatLordDerby’sbeinginit，thatMr。Bright’sbeinginit，thateveryHome，Foreign，andColonialSecretary’sbeinginit，thateveryministry’sandeveryopposition’sbeinginit，arebutproofsthatmenwilldoinpoliticswhattheywoulddoinnothingelse。Isthistheplea？Ifso，therejoinderis，thatthemightyconspiracyincludesthewholecircleofArtistsofallkinds，andcomprehendsalldegreesofmen，downtotheworstcriminalandthehangmanwhoendshiscareer。For，alltheseareintimatelyknowntotheLondonCorrespondentoftheTattlesnivelBleater，andallthesedeceivehim。
　　Sir，putittotheproof。ThereistheBleateronthefile——
　　documentaryevidence。Weeks，months，beforetheExhibitionoftheRoyalAcademy，theBleater’sLondonCorrespondentknowsthesubjectsofalltheleadingpictures，knowswhatthepaintersfirstmeanttodo，knowswhattheyafterwardssubstitutedforwhattheyfirstmeanttodo，knowswhattheyoughttodoandwon’tdo，knowswhattheyoughtnottodoandwilldo，knowstoaletterfromwhomtheyhavecommissions，knowstoashillinghowmuchtheyaretobepaid。Now，nosooneriseachstudioclearoftheremarkablemantowhomeachstudio—occupanthasrevealedhimselfashedoesnotrevealhimselftohisnearestanddearestbosomfriend，thanconspiracyandfraudbegin。AlfredtheGreatbecomestheFairyQueen；MosesviewingthePromisedLand，turnsouttobeMosesgoingtotheFair；PortraitofHisGracetheArchbishopofCanterbury，istransformed，asifbyirreverentenchantmentofthedissentinginterest，intoAFavouriteTerrier，orCattleGrazing；andthemostextraordinaryworkofartinthelistdescribedbytheBleater，iscoollyspongedoutaltogether，andassertednevertohavehadexistenceatall，eveninthemostshadowthoughtsofitsexecutant!Thisisvileenough，butthisisnotall。Picture—buyersthencomeforthfromtheirsecretpositions，andcreepintotheirplacesintheassassin—multitudeofconspirators。Mr。Baring，afterexpresslytellingtheBleater’sLondonCorrespondentthathehadboughtNo。39foronethousandguineas，givesituptosomebodyunknownforacoupleofhundredpounds；theMarquisofLansdownepretendstohavenoknowledgewhateverofthecommissionstowhichtheLondonCorrespondentoftheBleatersworehim，butallowsaRailwayContractortocuthimoutforhalfthemoney。Similarexamplesmightbemultiplied。Shame，shame，onthesemen!IsthisEngland？
　　Sir，lookagainatLiterature。TheBleater’sLondonCorrespondentisnotmerelyacquaintedwithalltheeminentwriters，butisinpossessionofthesecretsoftheirsouls。Heisversedintheirhiddenmeaningsandreferences，seestheirmanuscriptsbeforepublication，andknowsthesubjectsandtitlesoftheirbookswhentheyarenotbegun。Howdarethosewritersturnupontheeminentmananddepartfromeveryintentiontheyhaveconfidedtohim？Howdotheyjustifythemselvesinentirelyalteringtheirmanuscripts，changingtheirtitles，andabandoningtheirsubjects？Willtheydeny，inthefaceofTattlesnivel，thattheydoso？Iftheyhavesuchhardihood，letthefileoftheBleaterstrikethemdumb。Bytheirfruitstheyshallbeknown。LettheirworksbecomparedwiththeanticipatorylettersoftheBleater’sLondonCorrespondent，andtheirfalsehoodanddeceitwillbecomemanifestasthesun；itwillbeseenthattheydonothingwhichtheystandpledgedtotheBleater’sLondonCorrespondenttodo；itwillbeseenthattheyareamongtheblackestpartiesinthisblackandbaseconspiracy。Thiswillbecomeapparent，sir，notonlyastotheirpublicproceedingsbutastotheirprivateaffairs。TheoutragedTattlesnivellianwhonowdragsthisinfamouscombinationintothefaceofday，chargesthoseliterarypersonswithmakingawaywiththeirproperty，imposingontheIncomeTaxCommissioners，keepingfalsebooks，andenteringintoshamcontracts。HeaccusesthemontheunimpeachablefaithoftheLondonCorrespondentoftheTattlesnivelBleater。Withwhoseevidencetheywillfinditimpossibletoreconciletheirownaccountofanytransactionoftheirlives。
　　Thenationalcharacterisdegeneratingundertheinfluenceoftheramificationsofthistremendousconspiracy。Forgeryiscommitted，constantly。Apersonofnote——anysortofpersonofnote——dies。
　　TheBleater’sLondonCorrespondentknowswhathiscircumstancesare，whathissavingsare（ifany），whohiscreditorsare，allabouthischildrenandrelations，and（ingeneral，beforehisbodyiscold）
　　describeshiswill。Isthatwilleverproved？Never!Someotherwillissubstituted；therealinstrument，destroyed。Andthis（ashasbeenbeforeobserved），isEngland。
　　Whoaretheworkmenandartificers，enrolleduponthebooksofthistreacherousleague？Fromwhatfundsaretheypaid，andwithwhatceremoniesaretheysworntosecrecy？Aretherenonesuch？Observewhatfollows。AlittletimeagotheBleater’sLondonCorrespondenthadthispassage："BoddleboyispianoforteplayingatSt。
　　Januarius’sGallery，withprettytolerablesuccess!Heclearsthreehundredpoundspernight。Notbadthis!!"ThebuilderofSt。
　　Januarius’sGallery（plungedtothethroatintheconspiracy）metwiththispieceofnews，andobserved，withcharacteristiccoarseness，"thattheBleater’sLondonCorrespondentwasaBlindAss"。Beingpressedbyamanofspirittogivehisreasonsforthisextraordinarystatement，hedeclaredthattheGallery，crammedtosuffocation，wouldnotholdtwohundredpounds，andthatitsexpenseswere，probably，atleasthalfwhatitdidhold。Themanofspirit（himselfaTattlesnivellian）hadtheGallerymeasuredwithinaweekfromthathour，anditwouldnotholdtwohundredpounds!
　　Now，canthepoorestcapacitydoubtthatithadbeenalteredinthemeantime？
　　Andsotheconspiracyextends，througheverygradeofsociety，downtothecondemnedcriminalinprison，thehangman，andtheOrdinary。
　　EveryfamousmurdererwithinthelasttenyearshasdesecratedhislastmomentsbyfalsifyinghisconfidencesimpartedspeciallytotheLondonCorrespondentoftheTattlesnivelBleater；oneverysuchoccasion，Mr。Calcrafthasfollowedthedegradingexample；andthereverendOrdinary，forgetfulofhiscloth，andmindfulonly（itwouldseem，alas!）oftheconspiracy，hascommittedhimselftosomeaccountorotherofthecriminal’sdemeanourandconversation，whichhasbeendiametricallyopposedtotheexclusiveinformationoftheLondonCorrespondentoftheBleater。Andthis（ashasbeenbeforeobserved）isMerryEngland!
　　Amanoftruegenius，however，isnoteasilydefeated。TheBleater’sLondonCorrespondent，probablybeginningtosuspecttheexistenceofaplotagainsthim，hasrecentlyfallenonanewstyle，which，asbeingverydifficulttocountermine，maynecessitatetheorganisationofanewconspiracy。Oneofhismasterlyletters，lately，disclosedtheadoptionofthisstyle——whichwasremarkedwithprofoundsensationthroughoutTattlesnivel——inthefollowingpassage："Mentioningliterarysmalltalk，ImaytellyouthatsomenewandextraordinaryrumoursareafloatconcerningtheconversationsIhavepreviouslymentioned，allegedtohavetakenplaceinthefirstfloorfront（situatedoverthestreetdoor），ofMr。X。Ameter（thepoetsowellknowntoyourreaders），inwhich，X。
　　Ameter’sgreatuncle，hissecondson，hisbutcher，andacorpulentgentlemanwithoneeyeuniversallyrespectedatKensington，aresaidnottohavebeenonthemostfriendlyfooting；Iforbear，however，topursuethesubjectfurther，thisweek，myinformantnotbeingabletosupplymewithexactparticulars。"
　　But，enough，sir。TheinhabitantofTattlesnivelwhohastakenpeninhandtoexposethisodiousassociationofunprincipledmenagainstashining（local）character，turnsfromitwithdisgustandcontempt。Lethiminfewwordsstriptheremainingflimsycoveringfromthenudeobjectoftheconspirators，andhisloathsometaskisended。
　　Sir，thatobject，hecontends，isevidentlytwofold。First，toexhibittheLondonCorrespondentoftheTattlesnivelBleaterinthelightofamischievousBlockheadwho，byhiringhimselfouttotellwhathecannotpossiblyknow，isasgreatapublicnuisanceasaBlockheadinacornercanbe。Second，tosuggesttothemenofTattlesnivelthatitdoesnotimprovetheirtowntohavesomuchDryRubbishshotthere。
　　Now，sir，onboththesepointsTattlesniveldemandsinaccentsofThunder，WhereistheAttorneyGeneral？Whydoesn’ttheTimestakeitup？（Isthelatterintheconspiracy？Itneveradoptshisviews，orquoteshim，andincessantlycontradictshim。）
　　Tattlesnivel，sir，rememberingthatourforefatherscontendedwiththeNormanatHastings，andbledatavarietyofotherplacesthatwillreadilyoccurtoyou，demandsthatitsbirthrightshallnotbebarteredawayforamessofpottage。Haveacare，sir，haveacare!
　　OrTattlesnivel（itsidleRiflespiledinitsscoutedstreets）maybeseenerelong，advancingwithitsBleatertothefootoftheThrone，anddemandingredressforthisconspiracy，fromtheorbedandsceptredhandsofMajestyitself!
　　THEYOUNGMANFROMTHECOUNTRY
　　Asongofthehour，nowincourseofbeingsungandwhistledineverystreet，theotherdayremindedthewriterofthesewords——ashechancedtopassafag—endofthesongforthetwentiethtimeinashortLondonwalk——thattwentyyearsago，alittlebookontheUnitedStates，entitledAmericanNotes，waspublishedby"aYoungManfromtheCountry"，whohadjustseenandleftit。
　　ThisYoungManfromtheCountryfellintoadealoftrouble，byreasonofhavingtakenthelibertytobelievethatheperceivedinAmericadownwardpopulartendenciesforwhichhisyoungenthusiasmhadbeenanythingbutprepared。ItwasinvainfortheYoungMantoofferinextenuationofhisbeliefthatnostrangercouldhavesetfootonthoseshoreswithafeelingoflivelierinterestinthecountry，andstrongerfaithinit，thanhe。ThosewerethedayswhentheTorieshadmadetheirAshburtonTreaty，andwhenWhigsandRadicalsmusthavenotheorydisturbed。AllthreepartieswaylaidandmauledtheYoungManfromtheCountry，andshowedthatheknewnothingaboutthecountry。
　　AstheYoungManfromtheCountryhadobservedinthePrefacetohislittlebook，thathe"couldbidehistime"，hetookallthisinsilentpartforeightyears。Publishingthen，acheapeditionofhisbook，hemadenostrongerprotestthanthefollowing：
　　"MyreadershaveopportunitiesofjudgingforthemselveswhethertheinfluencesandtendencieswhichIdistrustedinAmerica，haveanyexistencebutinmyimagination。Theycanexamineforthemselveswhethertherehasbeenanythinginthepubliccareerofthatcountryduringthesepasteightyears，orwhetherthereisanythinginitspresentposition，athomeorabroad，whichsuggeststhatthoseinfluencesandtendenciesreallydoexist。Astheyfindthefact，theywilljudgeme。Iftheydiscernanyevidencesofwrong—going，inanydirectionthatIhaveindicated，theywillacknowledgethatI
　　hadreasoninwhatIwrote。Iftheydiscernnosuchthing，theywillconsidermealtogethermistaken。Ihavenothingtodefend，ortoexplainaway。Thetruthisthetruth；andneitherchildishabsurdities，norunscrupulouscontradictions，canmakeitotherwise。
　　Theearthwouldstillmoveroundthesun，thoughthewholeCatholicChurchsaidNo。"
　　Twelvemoreyearshavingsincepassedaway，itmaynow，atlast，besimplyjusttowardstheYoungManfromtheCountry，tocomparewhatheoriginallywrote，withrecenteventsandtheirplainmotivepowers。TreatingoftheHouseofRepresentativesatWashington，hewrotethus：
　　"DidIrecogniseinthisassembly，abodyofmen，who，applyingthemselvesinanewworldtocorrectsomeofthefalsehoodsandvicesoftheold，purifiedtheavenuestoPublicLife，pavedthedirtywaystoPlaceandPower，debatedandmadelawsfortheCommonGood，andhadnopartybuttheirCountry？
　　"Isawinthem，thewheelsthatmovethemeanestperversionofvirtuousPoliticalMachinerythattheworsttoolseverwrought。
　　Despicabletrickeryatelections；under—handedtamperingswithpublicofficers；cowardlyattacksuponopponents，withscurrilousnewspapersforshields，andhiredpensfordaggers；shamefultrucklingstomercenaryknaves，whoseclaimtobeconsidered，is，thateverydayandweektheysownewcropsofruinwiththeirvenaltypes，whicharethedragon’steethofyore，ineverythingbutsharpness；aidingsandabettingsofeverybadinclinationinthepopularmind，andartfulsuppressionsofallitsgoodinfluences：
　　suchthingsasthese，andinaword，DishonestFactioninitsmostdepravedandmostunblushingform，staredoutfromeverycornerofthecrowdedhall。
　　"DidIseeamongthem，theintelligenceandrefinement：thetrue，honest，patrioticheartofAmerica？Hereandthere，weredropsofitsbloodandlife，buttheyscarcelycolouredthestreamofdesperateadventurerswhichsetsthatwayforprofitandforpay。
　　Itisthegameofthesemen，andoftheirprofligateorgans，tomakethestrifeofpoliticssofierceandbrutal，andsodestructiveofallself—respectinworthymen，thatsensitiveanddelicate—mindedpersonsshallbekeptaloof，andthey，andsuchasthey，belefttobattleouttheirselfishviewsunchecked。Andthusthislowestofallscramblingfightsgoeson，andtheywhoinothercountrieswould，fromtheirintelligenceandstation，mostaspiretomakethelaws，dohererecoilthefarthestfromthatdegradation。
　　"Thatthereare，amongtherepresentativesofthepeopleinbothHouses，andamongallparties，somemenofhighcharacterandgreatabilities，Ineednotsay。TheforemostamongthosepoliticianswhoareknowninEurope，havebeenalreadydescribed，andIseenoreasontodepartfromtheruleIhavelaiddownformyguidance，ofabstainingfromallmentionofindividuals。Itwillbesufficienttoadd，thattothemostfavourableaccountsthathavebeenwrittenofthem，Ifullyandmostheartilysubscribe；andthatpersonalintercourseandfreecommunicationhavebredwithinme，nottheresultpredictedintheverydoubtfulproverb，butincreasedadmirationandrespect。"
　　Towardstheendofhisbook，theYoungManfromtheCountrythusexpressedhimselfconcerningitspeople：
　　"Theyare，bynature，frank，brave，cordial，hospitable，andaffectionate。Cultivationandrefinementseembuttoenhancetheirwarmthofheartandardententhusiasm；anditisthepossessionoftheselatterqualitiesinamostremarkabledegree，whichrendersaneducatedAmericanoneofthemostendearingandmostgenerousoffriends。Ineverwassowonupon，asbythisclass；neveryieldedupmyfullconfidenceandesteemsoreadilyandpleasurably，astothem；nevercanmakeagain，inhalfayear，somanyfriendsforwhomIseemtoentertaintheregardofhalfalife。
　　"Thesequalitiesarenatural，Iimplicitlybelieve，tothewholepeople。Thattheyare，however，sadlysappedandblightedintheirgrowthamongthemass；andthatthereareinfluencesatworkwhichendangerthemstillmore，andgivebutlittlepresentpromiseoftheirhealthyrestoration；isatruththatoughttobetold。
　　"Itisanessentialpartofeverynationalcharactertopiqueitselfmightilyuponitsfaults，andtodeducetokensofitsvirtueoritswisdomfromtheirveryexaggeration。OnegreatblemishinthepopularmindofAmerica，andtheprolificparentofaninnumerablebroodofevils，isUniversalDistrust。YettheAmericancitizenplumeshimselfuponthisspirit，evenwhenheissufficientlydispassionatetoperceivetheruinitworks；andwilloftenadduceit，inspiteofhisownreason，asaninstanceofthegreatsagacityandacutenessofthepeople，andtheirsuperiorshrewdnessandindependence。
　　"’Youcarry，’saysthestranger，’thisjealousyanddistrustintoeverytransactionofpubliclife。Byrepellingworthymenfromyourlegislativeassemblies，ithasbredupaclassofcandidatesforthesuffrage，who，intheireveryact，disgraceyourInstitutionsandyourpeople’schoice。Ithasrenderedyousofickle，andsogiventochange，thatyourinconstancyhaspassedintoaproverb；foryounosoonersetupanidolfirmly，thanyouaresuretopullitdownanddashitintofragments：andthis，becausedirectlyyourewardabenefactor，orapublic—servant，youdistrusthim，merelybecauseheISrewarded；andimmediatelyapplyyourselvestofindout，eitherthatyouhavebeentoobountifulinyouracknowledgments，orheremissinhisdeserts。Anymanwhoattainsahighplaceamongyou，fromthePresidentdownwards，maydatehisdownfallfromthatmoment；foranyprintedliethatanynotoriousvillainpens，althoughitmilitatedirectlyagainstthecharacterandconductofalife，appealsatoncetoyourdistrust，andisbelieved。Youwillstrainatagnatinthewayoftrustfulnessandconfidence，howeverfairlywonandwelldeserved；butyouwillswallowawholecaravanofcamels，iftheybeladenwithunworthydoubtsandmeansuspicions。Isthiswell，thinkyou，orlikelytoelevatethecharacterofthegovernorsorthegoverned，amongyou？’
　　"Theanswerisinvariablythesame：’There’sfreedomofopinionhere，youknow。Everymanthinksforhimself，andwearenottobeeasilyoverreached。That’showourpeoplecometobesuspicious。’
　　"Anotherprominentfeatureistheloveof’smart’dealing：whichgildsovermanyaswindleandgrossbreachoftrust；manyadefalcation，publicandprivate；andenablesmanyaknavetoholdhisheadupwiththebest，whowelldeservesahalter：thoughithasnotbeenwithoutitsretributiveoperation，forthissmartnesshasdonemoreinafewyearstoimpairthepubliccredit，andtocripplethepublicresources，thandullhonesty，howeverrash，couldhaveeffectedinacentury。Themeritsofabrokenspeculation，orabankruptcy，orofasuccessfulscoundrel，arenotgaugedbyitsorhisobservanceofthegoldenrule，’Doasyouwouldbedoneby’，butareconsideredwithreferencetotheirsmartness。Irecollect，onbothoccasionsofourpassingthatill—fatedCairoontheMississippi，remarkingonthebadeffectssuchgrossdeceitsmusthavewhentheyexploded，ingeneratingawantofconfidenceabroad，anddiscouragingforeigninvestment：butIwasgiventounderstandthatthiswasaverysmartschemebywhichadealofmoneyhadbeenmade：andthatitssmartestfeaturewas，thattheyforgotthesethingsabroad，inaveryshorttime，andspeculatedagain，asfreelyasever。ThefollowingdialogueIhaveheldahundredtimes：’IsitnotaverydisgracefulcircumstancethatsuchamanasSo—and—soshouldbeacquiringalargepropertybythemostinfamousandodiousmeans，andnotwithstandingallthecrimesofwhichhehasbeenguilty，shouldbetoleratedandabettedbyyourcitizens？Heisapublicnuisance，ishenot？’’Yes，sir。’’Aconvictedliar？’
　　’Yes，sir。’’Hehasbeenkicked，andcuffed，andcaned？’’Yes，sir。’’Andheisutterlydishonourable，debased，andprofligate？’
　　’Yes，sir。’’Inthenameofwonder，then，whatishismerit？’
　　’Well，sir，heisasmartman。’
　　"ButthefoulgrowthofAmericahasamoretangledrootthanthis；
　　anditstrikesitsfibres，deepinitslicentiousPress。
　　"Schoolsmayheerected，East，West，North，andSouth；pupilsbetaught，andmastersreared，byscoresuponscoresofthousands；
　　collegesmaythrive，churchesmaybecrammed，temperancemaybediffused，andadvancingknowledgeinallotherformswalkthroughthelandwithgiantstrides；butwhilethenewspaperpressofAmericaisin，ornear，itspresentabjectstate，highmoralimprovementinthatcountryishopeless。Yearbyyear，itmustandwillgoback；yearbyyear，thetoneofpublicopinionmustsinklowerdown；yearbyyear，theCongressandtheSenatemustbecomeoflessaccountbeforealldecentmen；andyearbyyear，thememoryoftheGreatFathersoftheRevolutionmustbeoutragedmoreandmore，inthebadlifeoftheirdegeneratechild。
　　"AmongtheherdofjournalswhicharepublishedintheStates，therearesome，thereaderscarcelyneedbetold，ofcharacterandcredit。
　　Frompersonalintercoursewithaccomplishedgentlemenconnectedwithpublicationsofthisclass，Ihavederivedbothpleasureandprofit。
　　ButthenameoftheseisFew，andoftheothersLegion；andtheinfluenceofthegood，ispowerlesstocounteractthemoralpoisonofthebad。
　　"AmongthegentryofAmerica；amongthewell—informedandmoderate；
　　inthelearnedprofessions；atthebarandonthebench；thereis，astherecanbe，butoneopinion，inreferencetotheviciouscharacteroftheseinfamousjournals。Itissometimescontended——I
　　willnotsaystrangely，foritisnaturaltoseekexcusesforsuchadisgrace——thattheirinfluenceisnotsogreatasavisitorwouldsuppose。Imustbepardonedforsayingthatthereisnowarrantforthisplea，andthateveryfactandcircumstancetendsdirectlytotheoppositeconclusion。
　　"Whenanyman，ofanygradeofdesertinintellectorcharacter，canclimbtoanypublicdistinction，nomatterwhat，inAmerica，withoutfirstgrovellingdownupontheearth，andbendingthekneebeforethismonsterofdepravity；whenanyprivateexcellenceissafefromitsattacks；whenanysocialconfidenceisleftunbrokenbyit；oranytieofsocialdecencyandhonourisheldintheleastregard；
　　whenanymaninthatFreeCountryhasfreedomofopinion，andpresumestothinkforhimself，andspeakforhimself，withouthumblereferencetoacensorshipwhich，foritsrampantignoranceandbasedishonesty，heutterlyloathsanddespisesinhisheart；whenthosewhomostacutelyfeelitsinfamyandthereproachitcastsuponthenation，andwhomostdenounceittoeachother，daretosettheirheelsupon，andcrushitopenly，inthesightofallmen：then，I
　　willbelievethatitsinfluenceislessening，andmenarereturningtotheirmanlysenses。ButwhilethatPresshasitsevileyeineveryhouse，anditsblackhandineveryappointmentinthestate，fromapresidenttoapostman；while，withribaldslanderforitsonlystockintrade，itisthestandardliteratureofanenormousclass，whomustfindtheirreadinginanewspaper，ortheywillnotreadatall；solongmustitsodiumbeuponthecountry’shead，andsolongmusttheevilitworks，beplainlyvisibleintheRepublic。"
　　Theforegoingwaswrittenintheyeareighteenhundredandforty—
　　two。Itrestswiththereadertodecidewhetherithasreceivedanyconfirmation，orassumedanycolouroftruth，inorabouttheyeareighteenhundredandsixty—two。
　　ANENLIGHTENEDCLERGYMAN
　　AtvariousplacesinSuffolk（aselsewhere）pennyreadingstakeplace"fortheinstructionandamusementofthelowerclasses"。
　　ThereisalittletowninSuffolkcalledEye，wherethesubjectofoneofthesereadingswasatale（byMr。WilkieCollins）fromthelastChristmasNumberofthisJournal，entitled"PickingupWaifsatSea"。ItappearsthattheEyegentilitywasshockedbytheintroductionofthisrudepieceamongthetasteandmusicalglassesofthatimportanttown，onwhichtheeyesofEuropearenotoriouslyalwaysfixed。Inparticular，thefeelingsofthevicar’sfamilywereoutraged；andaLocalOrgan（say，theTattlesnivelBleater）
　　consequentlydoomedthesaidpiecetoeverlastingoblivion，asbeingofan"injurioustendency!"
　　Whenthisfearfulfactcametotheknowledgeoftheunhappywriterofthedoomedtaleinquestion，hecoveredhisfacewithhisrobe，previoustodyingdecentlyunderthesharpsteeloftheecclesiasticalgentilityoftheterribletownofEye。Butthediscoverythathewasnotaloneinhisgloomyglory，revivedhim，andhestilllives。
　　For，atStowmarket，intheaforesaidcountyofSuffolk，atanotherofthosepennyreadings，itwasannouncedthatacertainjuvenilesketch，culledfromavolumeofsketches（byBoz）andentitled"TheBloomsburyChristening"，wouldberead。Hereupon，theclergymanofthatplacetookheartandpen，andaddressedthefollowingterrificepistletoagentlemanbearingtheveryappropriatenameofGudgeon：
　　STOWMARKETVICARAGE，Feb。25，1861。
　　SIR，——Myattentionhasbeendirectedtoapiececalled"TheBloomsburyChristening"whichyouproposetoreadthisevening。
　　Withoutpresumingtoclaimanyinterferenceinthearrangementofthereadings，Iwouldsuggesttoyouwhetheryouhaveonthisoccasionsufficientlyconsideredthecharacterofthecompositionyouhaveselected。Iquiteappreciatethelaudablemotiveofthepromotersofthereadingstoraisethemoraltoneamongsttheworkingclassofthetownandtodirectthistasteinafamiliarandpleasantmanner。"TheBloomsburyChristening"cannotpossiblydothis。Ittrifleswithasacredordinance，andthelanguageandstyle，insteadofimprovingthetaste，hasadirecttendencytolowerit。
　　Iappealtoyourrightfeelingwhetheritisdesirabletogivepublicitytothatwhichmustshockseveralofyouraudience，andcreateasmileamongstothers，tobeindulgedinonlybyviolatingtheconscientiousscruplesoftheirneighbours。
　　TheordinancewhichishereexposedtoridiculeisonewhichismuchmisunderstoodandneglectedamongstmanyfamiliesbelongingtotheChurchofEngland，andthemodeinwhichitistreatedinthischaptercannotfailtoappearasgivingasanctionto，oratleastexcusing，suchneglect。
　　Althoughyouarepledgedtothepublictogivethissubject，yetI
　　cannotbutbelievethattheywouldfullyjustifyyoursubstitutionofitforanotherdidtheyknowthecircumstances。Anabridgmentwouldonlylessentheevilinadegree，asitisnotonlythestyleofthewritingbutthesubjectitselfwhichisobjectionable。
　　Excusemefortroublingyou，butIfeltthat，incommonwithyourself，Ihaveagraveresponsibilityinthematter，andIammosttrulyyours，T。S。COLES。
　　ToMr。J。Gudgeon。
　　Itisreallynecessarytoexplainthatthisisnotabadjoke。Itissimplyabadfact。
　　RATHERASTRONGDOSE
　　"DoctorJohnCampbell，theministeroftheTabernacleChapel，Finsbury，andeditoroftheBritishBanner，etc。，withthatmassivevigourwhichdistinguisheshisstyle，"did，weareinformedbyMr。
　　Howitt，"deliveraverdictintheBanner，forNovember，1852，"ofgreatimportanceandfavourtotheTable—rappingcause。WearenotinformedwhetherthePublic，sittinginjudgmentonthequestion，reservedanypointinthisgreatverdictforsubsequentconsideration；buttheverdictwouldseemtohavebeenregardedbyaperversegenerationasnotquitefinal，inasmuchasMr。Howittfindsitnecessarytore—openthecase，aroundtenyearsafterwards，inninehundredandsixty—twostiffoctavopages，publishedbyMessrs。
　　LongmanandCompany。
　　Mr。HowittisinsuchabristlingtemperontheSupernaturalsubject，thatwewillnottakethegreatlibertyofarguinganypointwithhim。But——withtheviewofassistinghimtomakeconverts——wewillinformourreaders，onhisconclusiveauthority，whattheyarerequiredtobelieve；premisingwhatmayratherastonishtheminconnexionwiththeirviewsofacertainhistoricaltrifle，calledTheReformation，thattheirpresentstateofunbeliefisallthefaultofProtestantism，andthat"itishightime，therefore，toprotestagainstProtestantism"。
　　Theywillpleasetobelieve，bywayofaneasybeginning，allthestoriesofgoodandevildemons，ghosts，prophecies，communicationwithspirits，andpracticeofmagic，thateverobtained，oraresaidtohaveeverobtained，intheNorth，intheSouth，intheEast，intheWest，fromtheearliestanddarkestages，astowhichwehaveanyhazyintelligence，realorsupposititious，downtotheyetunfinisheddisplacementoftheredmeninNorthAmerica。TheywillpleasetobelievethatnothinginthiswisewaschangedbythefulfilmentofourSaviour’smissionuponearth；andfurther，thatwhatSaintPauldid，canbedoneagain，andhasbeendoneagain。Asthisisnotmuchtobeginwith，theywillthrowinatthispointrejectionofFaradayandBrewster，and"poorPaley"，andimplicitacceptanceofthoseshininglights，theReverendCharlesBeecher，andtheReverendHenryWardBeecher（"oneofthemostvigorousandeloquentpreachersofAmerica"），andtheReverendAdinBallou。
　　Havingthusclearedthewayforahealthyexerciseoffaith，ouradvancingreaderswillnextproceedespeciallytobelieveintheoldstoryoftheDrummerofTedworth，intheinspirationofGeorgeFox，in"thespiritualism，prophecies，andprovision"ofHuntingtonthecoal—porter（himwhoprayedfortheleatherbreecheswhichmiraculouslyfittedhim），andevenintheCockLaneGhost。Theywillpleasewindup，beforefetchingtheirbreath，withbelievingthatthereisacloseanalogybetweenrejectionofanysuchplainandprovedfactsasthosecontainedinthewholeforegoingcatalogue，andtheoppositionencounteredbytheinventorsofrailways，lightingbygas，microscopesandtelescopes，andvaccination。Thisstingingconsiderationtheywillalwayscarryranklingintheirremorsefulheartsastheyadvance。
　　AstouchingtheCockLaneGhost，ourconscience—strickenreaderswillpleaseparticularlytoreproachthemselvesforhavingeversupposedthatimportantspiritualmanifestationtohavebeenagrossimposturewhichwasthoroughlydetected。TheywillpleasetobelievethatDr。Johnsonbelievedinit，andthat，inMr。Howitt’swords，he"appearstohavehadexcellentreasonsforhisbelief"。
　　Withaviewtothisend，thefaithfulwillbesogoodastoobliteratefromtheirBoswellsthefollowingpassage："Manyofmyreaders，Iamconvinced，aretothishourunderanimpressionthatJohnsonwasthusfoolishlydeceived。ItwillthereforesurprisethemagooddealwhentheyareinformeduponundoubtedauthoritythatJohnsonwasoneofthosebywhomtheimposturewasdetected。
　　Thestoryhadbecomesopopular，thathethoughtitshouldbeinvestigated，andinthisresearchhewasassistedbytheRev。Dr。
　　Douglas，nowBishopofSalisbury，thegreatdetectorofimpostures"—
　　—andthereforetremendouslyobnoxioustoMr。Howitt——"whoinformsmethatafterthegentlemenwhowentandexaminedintotheevidenceweresatisfiedofitsfalsity，Johnsonwroteintheirpresenceanaccountofit，whichwaspublishedinthenewspapersandGentleman’sMagazine，andundeceivedtheworld"。ButastherewillstillremainanotherhighlyinconvenientpassageintheBoswellsofthetruebelievers，theymustlikewisebeatthetroubleofcancellingthefollowingalso，referringtoalatertime："He（Johnson）expressedgreatindignationattheimpostureoftheCockLaneGhost，andrelatedwithmuchsatisfactionhowhehadassistedindetectingthecheat，andhadpublishedanaccountofitinthenewspapers"。
　　Theywillnextbelieve（iftheybe，inthewordsofCaptainBobadil，"sogenerouslyminded"）inthetransatlantictrance—speakers"whoprofessedtospeakfromdirectinspiration"，Mrs。CoraHatch，Mrs。
　　Henderson，andMissEmmaHardinge；andtheywillbelieveinthoseeminentladieshaving"spokenonSundaystofivehundredthousandhearers"——smallaudiences，bytheway，comparedwiththeintelligentconcourserecentlyassembledinthecityofNewYork，todohonourtotheNuptialsofGeneraltheHonourableT。BarnumThumb。Ataboutthisstageoftheirspiritualeducationtheymaytaketheopportunityofbelievingin"lettersfromadistinguishedgentlemanofNewYork，inwhichthefrequentappearanceofthegentleman’sdeceasedwifeandofDr。Franklin，tohimandotherwell—knownfriends，areunquestionablyunequalledintheannalsofthemarvellous"。WhythesemodestappearancesshouldseematalloutofthecommonwaytoMr。Howitt（whowouldbeinastateofflamingindignationifwethoughtthemso），wecouldnotimagine，untilwefoundonreadingfurther，"itissolemnlystatedthatthewitnesseshavenotonlyseenbuttouchedthesespirits，andhandledtheclothesandhairofFranklin"。WithoutpresumingtogoMr。Howitt’slengthofconsideringthisbyanymeansamarvellousexperience，weyetventuretoconfessthatithasawakenedinourmindmanyinterestingspeculationstouchingthepresentwhereaboutinspace，ofthespiritsofMr。Howitt’sowndepartedbootsandhats。
　　ThenextarticlesofbeliefareBeliefinthemoderatefiguresof"thirtythousandmediaintheUnitedStatesin1853"；andintwomillionfivehundredthousandspiritualistsinthesamecountryofcomposedminds，in1855，"professingtohavearrivedattheirconvictionsofspiritualcommunicationfrompersonalexperience"；
　　andin"anaveragerateofincreaseofthreehundredthousandperannum"，stillinthesamecountryofcalmphilosophers。Beliefinspiritualknockings，inallmannerofAmericanplaces，and，amongothers，inthehouseof"aDoctorPhelpsatStratford，Connecticut，amanofthehighestcharacterforintelligence"，saysMr。Howitt，andtowhomwewillinglyconcedethepossessionoffarhigherintelligencethanwasdisplayedbyhisspiritualknocker，in"frequentlycuttingtopiecestheclothesofoneofhisboys"，andinbreaking"seventy—onepanesofglass"——unless，indeed，theknocker，wheninthebody，wasconnectedwiththetailoringandglazinginterests。Beliefinimmaterialperformersplaying（inthedarkthough：theyareobstinateaboutitsbeinginthedark）onmaterialinstrumentsofwood，catgut，brass，tin，andparchment。
　　Yourbeliefisfurtherrequestedin"theKentuckyJerks"。Thespiritualachievementsthuseuphoniouslydenominated"appear"，saysMr。Howitt，"tohavebeenofaverydisorderlykind"。ItappearsthatacertainMr。Doke，aPresbyterianclergyman，"wasfirstseizedbythejerks"，andthejerkslaidholdofMr。Dokeinthatunclericalwayandwiththatscantrespectforhiscloth，thatthey"twitchedhimaboutinamostextraordinarymanner，oftenwheninthepulpit，andcausedhimtoshoutaloud，andrunoutofthepulpitintothewoods，screaminglikeamadman。Whenthefitwasover，hereturnedcalmlytohispulpitandfinishedtheservice。"Thecongregationhavingwaited，wepresume，andedifiedthemselveswiththedistantbellowingsofDokeinthewoods，untilhecamebackagain，alittlewarmandhoarse，butotherwiseinfinecondition。
　　"Peoplewereoftenseizedathotels，andattablewould，onliftingaglasstodrink，jerktheliquortotheceiling；ladieswouldatthebreakfast—tablesuddenlybecompelledtothrowalofttheircoffee，andfrequentlybreakthecupandsaucer。"AcertainventuresomeclergymanvowedthathewouldpreachdowntheJerks，"buthewasseizedinthemidstofhisattempt，andmadesoridiculousthathewithdrewhimselffromfurthernotice"——anexamplemuchtobecommended。ThatsamefavouredlandofAmericahasbeenparticularlyfavouredinthedevelopmentof"innumerablemediums"，andMr。HowittordersyoutobelieveinDanielDunglasHome，AndrewDavisJackson，andThomasL。Harris，as"thethreemostremarkable，ormostfamiliar，onthissideoftheAtlantic"。ConcerningMr。
　　Home，thearticlesofbelief（besidesremovaloffurniture）are，Thatthroughhimrapshavebeengivenandcommunicationsmadefromdeceasedfriends。That"hishandhasbeenseizedbyspiritinfluence，andrapidcommunicationswrittenout，ofasurprisingcharactertothosetowhomtheywereaddressed"。Thatathisbidding，"spirithandshaveappearedwhichhavebeenseen，felt，andrecognisedfrequently，bypersonspresent，asthoseofdeceasedfriends"。Thathehasbeenfrequentlyliftedupandcarried，floating"asitwere"througharoom，neartheceiling。ThatinAmerica，"allthesephenomenahavedisplayedthemselvesingreaterforcethanhere"——whichwehavenottheslightestdoubtof。Thatheis"theplanterofspiritualismalloverEurope"。That"bycircumstancesthatnomancouldhavedevised，hebecametheguestoftheEmperoroftheFrench，oftheKingofHolland，oftheCzarofRussia，andofmanylesserprinces"。Thathereturnedfrom"thisunpremeditatedmissionarytour"，"endowedwithcompetence"；butnotbefore，"attheTuileries，ononeoccasionwhentheemperor，empress，adistinguishedlady，andhimselfonlyweresittingattable，ahandappeared，tookupapen，andwrote，inastrongandwell—knowncharacter，thewordNapoleon。Thehandwasthensuccessivelypresentedtotheseveralpersonagesofthepartytokiss。"Thestoutbeliever，havingdisposedofMr。Home，andrestedalittle，willthenproceedtobelieveinAndrewDavisJackson，orAndrewJacksonDavis（Mr。Howitt，havingnoMediumathandtosettlethisdifferenceandrevealtherightnameoftheseer，callshimbybothnames），whomerely"beheldalltheessentialnaturesofthings，sawtheinteriorofmenandanimals，asperfectlyastheirexterior；
　　anddescribedtheminlanguagesocorrect，thatthemostabletechnologistscouldnotsurpasshim。Hepointedouttheproperremediesforallthecomplaints，andtheshopswheretheyweretobeobtained"；——inthelatterrespectappearingtohailfromanadvertisingcircle，asweconceive。Itwasalsointhisgentleman’slimiteddepartmentto"seethemetalsintheearth"，andtohave"themostdistantregionsandtheirvariousproductionspresentbeforehim"。Havingdespatchedthistoughcase，thebelieverwillpassontoThomasL。Harris，andwillswallowHIMeasily，togetherwith"wholeepics"ofhiscomposition；acertainwork"ofscarcelylessthanMiltonicgrandeur"，calledTheLyricoftheGoldenAge——alyricprettynighaslongasoneofMr。Howitt’svolumes——dictatedbyMr。（notMrs。）Harristothepublisherinninety—fourhours；andseveralextemporesermons，possessingtheremarkablylucidpropertyofbeing"full，unforced，out—gushing，unstinted，andabsorbing"。
　　Thecandidateforexaminationinpurebelief，willthenpassontothespirit—photographydepartment；this，again，willbefoundinso—
　　favouredAmerica，underthesuperintendenceofMediumMumler，aphotographerofBoston：whowas"astonished"（though，onMr。
　　Howitt’sshowing，hesurelyoughtnottohavebeen）"ontakingaphotographofhimself，tofindalsobyhissidethefigureofayounggirl，whichheimmediatelyrecognisedasthatofadeceasedrelative。Thecircumstancemadeagreatexcitement。Numbersofpersonsrushedtohisrooms，andmanyhavefounddeceasedfriendsphotographedwiththemselves。"（PerhapsMr。Mumler，too，maybecome"endowedwithcompetence"intime。Whoknows？）Finally，thetruebelieversinthegospelaccordingtoHowitt，have，besides，buttopintheirfaithon"ladieswhoseespiritshabitually"，onladieswhoKNOWtheyhaveatendencytosoarintheaironsufficientprovocation，andonafewothergnatstobetakenaftertheircamels，andtheyshallbepronouncedbyMr。Howittnotofthestereotypedclassofminds，andnotpartakersof"theastonishingignoranceofthepress"，andshallreceiveafirst—classcertificateofmerit。
　　ButbeforetheypassthroughthisportalintotheTempleofSereneWisdom，we，haltingblindandhelplessonthesteps，begtosuggesttothemwhattheymustatonceandforeverdisbelieve。Theymustdisbelievethatinthedarktimes，whenveryfewwereversedinwhatarenowthemererecreationsofScience，andwhenthosefewformedapriesthood—classapart，anymarvelswerewroughtbytheaidofconcavemirrorsandaknowledgeofthepropertiesofcertainodoursandgases，althoughtheself—samemarvelscouldbereproducedbeforetheireyesatthePolytechnicInstitution，RegentStreet，London，anydayintheyear。TheymustbynomeansbelievethatConjuringandVentriloquismareoldtrades。TheymustdisbelieveallPhilosophicalTransactionscontainingtherecordsofpainfulandcarefulinquiryintonowfamiliardisordersofthesensesofseeingandhearing，andintothewondersofsomnambulism，epilepsy，hysteria，miasmaticinfluence，vegetablepoisonsderivedbywholecommunitiesfromcorruptedair，diseasedimitation，andmoralinfection。TheymustdisbelieveallsuchawkwardleadingcasesasthecaseoftheWoodstockCommissionersandtheirman，andthecaseoftheIdentityoftheStockwellGhost，withthemaid—servant。Theymustdisbelievethevanishingofchampionhauntedhouses（except，indeed，outofMr。Howitt’sbook），representedtohavebeenclosedandruinedforyears，beforeoneday’sinquirybyfourgentlemenassociatedwiththisjournal，andonehour’sreferencetotheLocalRate—books。TheymustdisbelieveallpossibilityofahumancreatureonthelastvergeofthedarkbridgefromLifetoDeath，beingmysteriouslyable，inoccasionalcases，sotoinfluencethemindofoneverynearanddear，asvividlytoimpressthatmindwithsomedisturbedsenseofthesolemnchangeimpending。Theymustdisbelievethepossibilityofthelawfulexistenceofaclassofintellectswhich，humblyconsciousoftheillimitablepowerofGOD
　　andoftheirownweaknessandignorance，neverdenythatHecancausethesoulsofthedeadtorevisittheearth，orthatHemayhavecausedthesoulsofthedeadtorevisittheearth，orthatHecancauseanyawfulorwondrousthingtobe；buttodenythelikelihoodofapparitionsorspiritscominghereuponthestupidestofbootlesserrands，andproducingcredentialstantamounttoasolicitationofourvoteandinterestandnextproxy，togetthemintotheAsylumforIdiots。TheymustdisbelievetherightofChristianpeoplewhodoNOTprotestagainstProtestantism，butwhoholdittobeabarrieragainstthedarkestsuperstitionsthatcanenslavethesoul，toguardwithjealousyallapproachestendingdowntoCockLaneGhostsandsuchlikeinfamousswindles，widelydegradingwhenwidelybelievedin；andtheymustdisbelievethatsuchpeoplehavetherighttoknow，andthatitistheirdutytoknow，wonder—
　　workersbytheirfruits，andtotestmiracle—mongersbythetestsofprobability，analogy，andcommonsense。Theymustdisbelieveallrationalexplanationsofthoroughlyprovedexperiences（only）whichappearsupernatural，derivedfromtheaverageexperienceandstudyofthevisibleworld。TheymustdisbelievethespecialityoftheMasterandtheDisciples，andthatitisamonstrositytotestthewondersofshow—folkbythesametouchstone。Lastly，theymustdisbelievethatoneofthebestaccreditedchaptersinthehistoryofmankindisthechapterthatrecordstheastonishingdeceitscontinuallypractised，withnoobjectorpurposebutthedistortedpleasureofdeceiving。
　　Wehavesummedupafew——notnearlyall——ofthearticlesofbeliefanddisbelieftowhichMr。Howittmostarrogantlydemandsanimplicitadherence。Toupholdthese，heusesabookasaClowninaPantomimedoes，andknockseverybodyontheheadwithitwhocomesinhisway。Moreover，heisanangrierpersonagethantheClown，anddoesnotexperimentallytrytheeffectofhisred—hotpokeronyourshins，butstraightwayrunsyouthroughthebodyandsoulwithit。HeisalwaysragingtotellyouthatifyouarenotHowitt，youareAtheistandAnti—Christ。Heisthesans—culotteoftheSpiritualRevolution，andwillnothearofyouracceptingthispointandrejectingthat；——downyourthroatwiththemall，oneandindivisible，atthepointofthepike；NoLiberty，Totality，Fraternity，orDeath!
　　Withoutpresumingtoquestionthat"itishightimetoprotestagainstProtestantism"onsuchverysubstantialgroundsasMr。
　　Howittsetsforth，wedopresumetothinkthatitishightimetoprotestagainstMr。Howitt’sspiritualism，asbeingalittleinexcessofthepeculiarmeritofThomasL。Harris’ssermons，andsomewhatTOO"full，out—gushing，unstinted，andabsorbing"。
　　THEMARTYRMEDIUM
　　"Afterthevalets，themaster!"isMr。Fechter’srallyingcryinthepicturesqueromanticdramawhichattractsallLondontotheLyceumTheatre。AftertheworshippersandpuffersofMr。DanielDunglasHome，thespiritmedium，comesMr。DanielDunglasHomehimself，inonevolume。Andwemust，forthehonourofLiterature，plainlyexpressourgreatsurpriseandregretthathecomesarm—in—armwithsuchgoodcompanyasMessrs。LongmanandCompany。
　　WehavealreadysummedupMr。Home’sdemandsonthepubliccapacityofswallowing，assoundedthroughthewar—denouncingtrumpetofMr。
　　Howitt，anditisnotourintentiontorevivethestrainasperformedbyMr。Homeonhisownmelodiousinstrument。Wenotice，bytheway，thatinthatpartoftheFantasiawherethehandofthefirstNapoleonissupposedtobereproduced，recognised，andkissed，attheTuileries，Mr。HomesubduestheflorideffectsonemighthaveexpectedafterMr。Howitt’sexecution，andbraysinanextremelygeneralmanner。AndyetweobserveMr。HometobeinotherthingsveryreliantonMr。Howitt，ofwhomheentertainsasgratifyinganopinionasMr。Howittentertainsofhim：dwellingonhis"deepresearchesintothissubject"，andofhis"greatworknowreadyforthepress"，andofhis"eloquentandforcible"advocacy，andekeofhis"elaborateandalmostexhaustivework"，whichMr。Hometrustswillbe"extensivelyread"。But，indeed，itwouldseemtobethemostreliablecharacteristicoftheDearSpirits，thoughverycapriciousinotherparticulars，thattheyalwaysformtheircirclesintowhatmaybedescribed，inworldlyterms，asAMutualAdmirationandComplimentationCompany（Limited）。
　　Mr。Home’sbookisentitledIncidentsinMyLife。Wewillextractadozensamplepassagesfromit，asvariationsonandphrasesofharmonyin，thegeneralstrainfortheTrumpet，whichwehavepromisednottorepeat。
　　1。MR。HOMEISSUPERNATURALLYNURSED
　　"IcannotrememberwhenfirstIbecamesubjecttothecuriousphenomenawhichhavenowforsolongattendedme，butmyauntandothershavetoldmethatwhenIwasababymycradlewasfrequentlyrocked，asifsomekindguardianspiritwasattendingmeinmyslumbers。"
　　2。DISRESPECTFULCONDUCTOFMR。HOME’SAUNTNEVERTHELESS
　　"Inheruncontrollableangersheseizedachairandthrewitatme。"
　　3。PUNISHMENTOFMR。HOME’SAUNT
　　"Upononeoccasionasthetablewasbeingthusmovedaboutofitself，myauntbroughtthefamilyBible，andplacingitonthetable，said，’There，thatwillsoondrivethedevilsaway’；buttoherastonishmentthetableonlymovedinamorelivelymanner，asifpleasedtobearsuchaburden。"（Webelievethisisconstantlyobservedinpulpitsandchurchreadingdesks，whichareinvariablylively。）"Seeingthisshewasgreatlyincensed，anddeterminedtostopit，sheangrilyplacedherwholeweightonthetable，andwasactuallyliftedupwithitbodilyfromthefloor。"
　　4。TRIUMPHANTEFFECTOFTHISDISCIPLINEONMR。HOME’SAUNT
　　"AndshefeltitadutythatIshouldleaveherhouse，andwhichI
　　did。"
　　5。MR。HOME’SMISSION
　　Itwascommunicatedtohimbythespiritofhismother，inthefollowingterms："Daniel，fearnot，mychild，Godiswithyou，andwhoshallbeagainstyou？Seektodogood：betruthfulandtruth—
　　loving，andyouwillprosper，mychild。Yoursisagloriousmission——youwillconvincetheinfidel，curethesick，andconsoletheweeping。"Itisacoincidencethatanothereminentman，withseveralmissions，heardavoicefromtheHeavensblessinghim，whenhealsowasayouth，andsaying，"Youwillberewarded，myson，intime"。ThisMediumwasthecelebratedBaronMunchausen，whorelatestheexperienceintheopeningofthesecondchapteroftheincidentsinHISlife。
　　6。MODESTSUCCESSOFMR。HOME’SMISSION
　　"Certainlythesephenomena，whetherfromGodorfromthedevil，haveintenyearscausedmoreconvertstothegreattruthsofimmortalityandangelcommunion，withallthatflowsfromthesegreatfacts，thanallthesectsinChristendomhavemadeduringthesameperiod。"
　　7。WHATTHEFIRSTCOMPOSERSSAYOFTHESPIRIT—MUSIC，TOMR。HOME
　　"Astothemusic，ithasbeenmygoodfortunetobeonintimatetermswithsomeofthefirstcomposersoftheday，andmorethanoneofthemhavesaidofsuchastheyhaveheard，thatitissuchmusicasonlyangelscouldmake，andnomancouldwriteit。"
　　These"firstcomposers"arenotmoreparticularlynamed。WeshallthereforebehappytoreceiveandfileattheofficeofthisJournal，thetestimonialsintheforegoingtermsofDr。SterndaleBennett，Mr。Balfe，Mr。Macfarren，Mr。Benedict，Mr。VincentWallace，SignorCosta，M。Auber，M。Gounod，SignorRossini，andSignorVerdi。WeshallalsofeelobligedtoMr。AlfredMellon，whoisnodoubtconstantlystudyingthiswonderfulmusic，undertheMedium’sauspices，ifhewillnoteonpaper，frommemory，sayasinglesheetofthesame。SignorGiulioRegondiwillthenperformit，ascorrectlyasameremortalcan，ontheAccordion，atthenextensuingconcertofthePhilharmonicSociety；onwhichoccasionthebefore—mentionedtestimonialswillbeconspicuouslydisplayedinthefrontoftheorchestra。