"Droppingone’sbiographerisn’twithoutprecedent。AssoonasanymanevergottoknowNapoleonwellenoughtowritehimuphesenthimtothefront，wherehecouldgetalittleleadinhissystem。"
"IwishIhadhadaBoswellallthesame，"saidShakespeare。"Thentheworldwouldhaveknownthetruthaboutme。"
"Itwouldn’tifhe’dreliedonyourwordforit，"retortedtheDoctor。"Hullo!here’sHamlet。"
AstheDoctorspoke，inverytruththemelancholyDaneappearedinthedoorway，moremelancholyofaspectthanever。
"What’sthematterwithyou？"askedCicero，addressingthenew—comer。
"Haven’tyougotthatpoisonoutofyoursystemyet？"
"Notentirely，"saidHamlet，withasigh；"butitisn’tthatthat’sbotheringme。It’sFate。"
"We’llgetoutaninjunctionagainstFateifyoulike，"saidBlackstone。"Isitpersecution，orhaveyoudeservedit？"
"Ithinkit’spersecution，"saidHamlet。"IneverwrongedFateinmylife，andwhysheshouldpursuemelikeademonthroughalleternityisathingIcan’tunderstand。"
"MaybeOpheliaisbackofit，"suggestedDoctorJohnson。"Thesewomenhaveagreatdealofsympathyforeachother，and，candidly，I
thinkyoubehavedprettyrudelytoOphelia。It’sapoorwaytoshowyourloveforayoungwoman，runningaswordthroughherfathereverynightforpay，anddrivingthegirltosuicidewithequalfrequency，justtoshowtheatre—goerswhatasmartlittleDaneyoucanbeifyoutry。"
"’Tisn’tmedoesallthat，"returnedHamlet。"Ionlydiditonce，andeventhenitwasn’tasbadasShakespearemadeitouttobe。"
"Iputitdownjustasitwas，"saidShakespeare，hotly，"andyoucan’tdisputeit。"
"Yes，hecan，"saidYorick。"YoumadehimtellHoratioheknewmewell，andhenevermetmeinhislife。"
"InevertoldHoratioanythingofthesort，"saidHamlet。"Ineverenteredthegraveyardeven，andIcanproveanalibi。"
"And，what’smore，hecouldn’thavemadetheremarkthewayShakespearehasit，anyhow，"saidYorick，"andforaverygoodreason。Iwasn’tburiedinthatgraveyard，andHamletandIcanproveanalibifortheskull，too。"
"Itwasagoodplay，justthesame，"saidCicero。
"Very，"putinDoctorJohnson。"Itcuredmeofinsomnia。"
"Well，ifyoudon’ttalkinyoursleep，theplaydidaChristianservicetotheworld，"retortedShakespeare。"But，really，Hamlet，I
thoughtIdidthesquarethingbyyouinthatplay。Imeantto，anyhow；andifithasmadeyouunhappy，I’mhonestlysorry。"
"Spokenlikeaman，"saidYorick。
"Idon’tmindtheplaysomuch，"saidHamlet，"butthewayI’mrepresentedbythesefellowswhoplayitisthethingthatrubsmethewrongway。Why，Ievenhearthatthere’satroupeoutinthewesternpartoftheUnitedStatesthatputsthethingonwiththreeHamlets，twoghosts，andapairofblood—hounds。It’scalledtheUncle—Tom—HamletCombination，andinsteadofmyfallinginlovewithonecrazyOphelia，IammadetowoothreeduskymaniacsnamedTopsyonacanvasice—floe，whiletheblood—houndsbarkbehindthescenes。
Whatsortoftreatmentisthatforamanofroyallineage？"
"It’sprettyrough，"saidNapoleon。"Asthepoetoughttohavesaid，’Oh，Hamlet，Hamlet，whatcrimesarecommittedinthyname!’"
"IfeelasbadlyabouttheplayasHamletdoes，"saidShakespeare，afteramomentofsilentthought。"Idon’tbothermuchaboutthiswildWesternbusiness，though，becauseIthinktheintroductionofthebloodhoundsandtheTopsiesmakesusbothmorepopularinthatregionthanweshouldbeotherwise。WhatIobjecttoisthewaywearetreatedbytheseso—calledfirst—classintellectualactorsinLondonandothergreatcities。I’veseenHamletdonebeforeahighlycultivatedaudience，and，byJove，itmademeblush。"
"Metoo，"sighedHamlet。"Ihaveseenamanwhohadawalkonhimthatsuggestedspring—haltandlocomotorataxiacombinedimpersonatingmygracefulselfinamannerthatdrovemealmostcrazy。I’veheardmy’Tobeornottobe’soliloquyutteredbyafamoustragedianintonesthatwouldmakeagraveyardyawnatmid—
day，andiftherewasanywayinwhichIcouldgetevenwiththatmanI’ddoit。"
"Itseemstome，"saidBlackstone，assumingforthemomentahighlyjudicialmanner——"itseemstomethatShakespeare，havinggotyouintothistrouble，oughttogetyououtofit。"
"Buthow？"saidShakespeare，earnestly。"That’sthepoint。HeavenknowsI’mwillingenough。"
Hamlet’sfacesuddenlybrightenedasthoughilluminatedwithanidea。
ThenhebegantodanceabouttheroomwithanexpressionofgleethatannoyedDoctorJohnsonexceedingly。
"IwishDarwincouldseeyounow，"theDoctorgrowled。"Akodakpictureofyouwouldprovehisargumentsconclusively。"
"Railon，Ophilosopher!"retortedHamlet。"Railon!Imindyourrailingsnot，forIthegermofanideahavegot。"
"Well，goquarantineyourself，"saidtheDoctor。"I’dhatetohaveoneofyourideamicrobesgetholdofme。"
"What’sthescheme？"askedShakespeare。
"YoucanwriteaplayforME!"criedHamlet。"Makeitafarce—
tragedy。Takethemodernplayerforyourhero，andletMEplayHIM。
I’llbaithimthroughfouracts。I’llimitatehiswalk。I’llcultivatehisvoice。We’llhavethefirstactatankact，anddroptheherointothetank。Thesecondactcanbeinasaw—mill，andwecancuthishairoffonabuzz—saw。Thethirdactcanintroduceaspile—driverwithwhichtodrivehishatoverhiseyesandknockhisbrainsdownintohislungs。ThefourthactcanbeatNiagaraFalls，andwe’llsendhimoverthefalls；andforagrandclimaxwecanhavehimguillotinedjustafterhehasswallowedaquartofprussicacidandaspoonfulofpowderedglass。Dothatforme，William，andyouareforgiven。I’llplayitforsixhundrednightsinLondon，fortwoyearsinNewYork，androundupwithaone—nightstandinBoston。"
"Itsoundslikeagoodscheme，"saidShakespeare，meditatively。
"Whatshallwecallit？"
"CallitIrving，"saidEugeneAram，whohadentered。"Itoohavesuffered。"
"AndletmebeHamlet’sunderstudy，"saidCharlestheFirst，earnestly。
"Done!"saidShakespeare，callingforapadandpencil。
AndasthesunroseupontheStyxthenextmorningtheBardofAvonwastobeseenwritingacomicchorustobesungoverthemoribundtragedianbytheshadesofCharles，Aram，andothereminentdeceasedheroesofthestage，withwhichhisnewplayofIrvingwastobebroughttoanappropriateclose。
Thisplayhasnotasyetfounditswayupontheboards，butanyenterprisingmanagerwhodesirestoconsideritmayaddressHamlet，TheHouse—Boat，Hades—on—the—Styx。
Heissuretogetareplybyreturnmail，unlessMephistophelesinterferes，whichisnotunlikely，sinceMephistophelesissaidtohavebeenmuchpleasedwiththemannerinwhichtheeminenttragedianhasputhimbeforetheBritishandAmericanpublic。
CHAPTERV：THEHOUSECOMMITTEEDISCUSSTHEPOETS
"There’sonethingthishouse—boatneeds，"wroteHomerinthecomplaint—bookthatadornedthecentre—tableinthereading—room，"andthatisaPoets’Corner。Therearesmoking—roomsforthosewhosmoke，billiard—roomsforthosewhoplaybilliards，andacard—roomforthosewhoplaycards。Idonotsmoke，Ican’tplaybilliards，andIdonotknowatreyofdiamondsfromasilversalver。AllIcandoiswritepoetry。Whydiscriminateagainstme？ByallmeansletushaveaPoets’Corner，whereamancanbeinspiredinpeace。"
Forfourdaysthisentrylayinthebookapparentlyunnoticed。Onthefifthdaythefollowinglines，signedbySamson，appeared：
"IapproveofHomer’ssuggestion。ThereshouldbeaPoets’Cornerhere。Thentherestofuscouldhavesomecomfort。Whileplayingvingt—et—unwithDiogenesinthecard—roomonFridayeveningapoeticmemberofthisclubwastakenwithamostviolentfancy，anditrequiredthecombinedeffortsofDiogenesandmyself，assistedbythejanitor，toremovethefrenziedandobjectionablememberfromtheroom。Thehabitsomeofourpoetshaveacquiredofgivingwaytotheirinspirationsallovertheclub—houseshouldbestopped，andI
knowofnobetterwaytoaccomplishthisdesirableendthanbytheadoptionofHomer’ssuggestion。ThereforeIsecondthemotion。"
OfcoursethesuggestionoftwomemberssoprominentasHomerandSamsoncouldnotwellheignoredbythehousecommittee，anditreluctantlytookthesubjectinhandatanearlymeeting。
"Ifindhere，"saidDemosthenestothechairman，asthecommitteegathered，"asuggestionfromHomerandSamsonthatthishouse—boatbeprovidedwithaPoets’Corner。IdonotknowthatIapproveofthesuggestionmyself，butinordertobringitbeforethecommitteefordebateIamwillingtomakeamotionthattherequestbegranted。"
"Excuseme，"putinDoctorJohnson，"butwheredoyoufindthatsuggestion？’Here’isnotverydefinite。WhereIS’here’？"
"Inthecomplaint—book，whichIholdinmyhand，"returnedDemosthenes，puttingapebbleinhismouthsothathemightenunciatemoreclearly。
AfrownruffledtheserenityofDoctorJohnson’sbrow。
"Inthecomplaint—book，eh？"hesaid，slowly。"Ithoughthousecommitteeswerenotexpectedtopayanyattentiontocomplaintsincomplaint—books。Ineverheardofitsbeingdonebefore。"
"Well，Ican’tsaythatIhaveeither，"repliedDemosthenes，chewingthoughtfullyonthepebble，"butIsupposecomplaint—booksaretheplacesforcomplaints。Youdon’texpectpeopletowriteserialstoriesordialectpoemsinthem，doyou？"
"Thatisn’tthepoint，asthemansaidtotheassassinwhotriedtostabhimwiththehiltofhisdagger，"retortedDoctorJohnson，withsomeasperity。"Ofcourse，complaint—booksareforthereceptionofcomplaints——nobodydisputesthat。WhatIwanttohavedeterminediswhetheritisnecessaryorproperforthecomplaintstogofurther。"
"Ifancywehavealegalrighttotakethematterup，"saidBlackstone，wearily；"thoughIdon’tknowofanyprecedentforsuchaction。InalltheclubsIhaveknownthehousecommitteeshaveinvariablytakenthegroundthatthecomplaint—bookwasestablishedtoguardthemagainsttheannoyanceofhearingcomplaints。Thisone，however，hasbeenforceduponusbyoursecretary，andinviewoftheageofthecomplainantsIthinkwecannotwelldeclinetogivethemaspecificanswer。Respectforageisderigueuratalltimes，likecleanhands。I’llsecondthemotion。"
"IthinkthePoets’Cornerentirelyunnecessary，"saidConfucius。
"Thisisn’taclassorganization，andweshouldresistanyefforttomakeitoranyportionofitso。Infact，Iwillgofurtherandstatethatitismyopinionthatifwedoanylegislatinginthematteratall，weoughttodiscourageratherthanencouragethesepoets。Theyarealwayslitteringtheclubupwiththemselves。OnlylastWednesdayIcameherewithaguest——nolessapersonthanarecentlydeceasedEmperorofChina——andwhatwasthefirstsightthatgreetedoureyes？"
"Igiveitup，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Itmusthavebeenacatacorneredsight，whateveritwas，iftheEmperor’seyesslantedlikeyours。"
"Nopersonalities，please，Doctor，"saidSirWalterRaleigh，thechairman，rappingthetablevigorouslywiththeshadeofahandsomegavelthathadonceadornedtheRomanSenate—chamber。
"He’sonlyaChinaman!"mutteredJohnson。
"Whatwasthesightthatgreetedyoureyes，Confucius？"askedCassius。
"OmarKhayyamstretchedoverfiveofthemostcomfortablechairsinthelibrary，"returnedConfucius；"andwhenIventuredtoremonstratewithhimhelosthistemper，andsaidI’dspoiledthewholesecondvolumeoftheRubaiyat。Itoldhimheoughttodohisrubaiyattingathome，andhemadeascene，toavoidwhichIhastenedwithmyguestovertothebilliard—room；andthere，stretchedatfulllengthonthepool—table，wasRobertBurnstryingtowriteasonnetontheclothwithchalkinlesstimethanVilloncouldturnoutanother，withtwolinesstart，onthebilliard—tablewiththesamewritingmaterials。
NowIaskyou，gentlemen，ifthesethingsaretobetolerated？Aretheynotrathertobereprehended，whetherIamaChinamanornot？"
"Whatwouldyouhaveusdo，then？"askedSirWalterRaleigh，alittlenettled。"Excludepoetsaltogether？Iwasone，remember。"
"Oh，butnotmuchofone，SirWalter，"putinDoctorJohnson，deprecatingly。
"No，"saidConfucius。"Idon’twantthemexcluded，buttheyshouldbecontrolled。Youdon’tletashoemakerwhohasbecomeamemberofthisclubturnthelibrarysofasintobenchesandgopeggingawayatboot—making，sowhyshouldyouletthepoetsturntheplaceintoaversefactory？That’swhatI’dliketoknow。"
"Idon’tknowbutwhatyourpointiswelltaken，"saidBlackstone，"thoughIcan’tsayIthinkyourparallelsareveryparallel。A
shoemaker，mydearConfucius，issomewhatdifferentfromapoet。"
"Certainly，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Verydifferent——infact，differentenoughtomakeaconundrumofthequestion——whatisthedifferencebetweenashoemakerandapoet？Onemakestheshoesandtheothershakesthemuse——allthedifferenceintheworld。Still，I
don’tseehowwecanexcludethepoets。Itistheverydemocracyofthisclubthatgivesitlife。Wetakeineverybody——peer，poet，orwhatnot。Tosaythatthismanshallnotenterbecauseheisthisorthatortheotherthingwouldresultinourultimatelybecomingaclassorganization，which，asConfuciushimselfsays，wearenotandmustnotbe。Ifweputoutthepoettopleasethesage，we’llsoonhavetoputoutthesagetopleasethefool，andsoon。We’llkeepitup，oncetheprecedentisestablished，untilfinallyitwillbecomeaclassclubentirely——aPlumbers’Club，forinstance——andhowabsurdthatwouldbeinHades!No，gentlemen，itcan’tbedone。Thepoetsmustandshallbepreserved。"
"What’stheobjectiontoclassclubs，anyhow？"askedCassius。"I
don’tobjecttothem。IfwecouldhavehadpoliticalorganizationsinmydayImightnothavehadtofallonmyswordtogetoutofkeepinganengagementIhadnofancyfor。Classclubshavetheiruses。"
"Nodoubt，"saidDemosthenes。"Havealltheclassclubsyouwant，butdonotmakeoneofthis。AnAuthors’Club，wherenonebutauthorsareadmitted，isagoodthing。Thememberslearntherethatthereareotherauthorsthanthemselves。Poets’Clubsareagoodthing；theybringpoetsintocontactwitheachother，andtheylearnwhataboreitistohavetolistentoapoetreadinghisownpoem。
Pugilists’Clubsaregood；soareallotherclassclubs；butsoalsoareclubslikeourown，whichtakesinallwhoareworthy。Hereapoetcantalkpoetryasmuchashewants，butatthesametimehehearssomethingbesidespoetry。Wemuststicktoouroriginalidea。"
"ThenletusdosomethingtoabatethenuisanceofwhichIcomplain，"
saidConfucius。"Can’tweadoptahouserulethatpoetsmustnotbeinspiredbetweenthehoursof11A。M。and5P。M。，orintheeveningaftereight；thatanypoetdiscoveredusingmorethanfivearm—chairsinthecompositionofaquatrainwillbechargedtwoobolianhourforeachchairinexcessofthatnumber；andthatthebilliard—markershallberequiredtochargeapremiumofthreetimestheordinaryfeefortablesusedbyversifiersinlieuofwriting—pads？"
"Thatwouldn’tbeabadidea，"saidSirWalterRaleigh。"I，asapoetwouldnotobjecttothat。Idoallmyworkathome，anyhow。"
"There’sanotherphaseofthisbusinessthatwehaven’tconsideredyet，andit’sratherimportant，"saidDemosthenes，takingafreshpebbleoutofhisbonbonniere。"That’sinthematterofstationery。
Thisclub，likeallotherwell—regulatedclubs，providesitsmemberswithasuitablesupplyofwritingmaterials。Charoninformsmethatthewaste—basketslastweekturnedoutforty—tworeamsofourbestcorrespondencepaperonwhichthesepoetshadscribbledthefirstdraftoftheirverses。NowIdon’tthinktheclubshouldfurnishthepoetswiththerawmaterialfortheirpoemsanymorethan，togobacktoConfucius’sshoemaker，itshouldsupplyleatherforourcobblers。"
"Whatdoyoumeanbyrawmaterialforpoems？"askedSirWalter，withafrown。
"Pen，ink，andpaper。Whatelse？"saidDemosthenes。
"Doesn’tittakebrainstowriteapoem？"saidRaleigh。
"Doesn’tittakebrainstomakeapairofshoes？"retortedDemosthenes，swallowingapebbleinhishaste。
"They’vegotarighttothestationery，though，"putinBlackstone。
"Aclearlegalrighttoit。Iftheychoosetowritepoemsonthepaperinsteadofboringpeopletodeathwithletters，asmostofusdo，that’stheirownaffair。"
"Well，they’reverywasteful，"saidDemosthenes。
"Wecanmeetthateasilyenough，"observedCassius。"Furnisheachwriting—tablewithaslate。Ishouldthinkthey’dbepleasedwiththat。It’ssomucheasiertoruboutthewrongword。"
"Mostpoetsprefertorubouttherightword，"growledConfucius。
"Besides，Ishallneverconsenttoslatesinthishouse—boat。Thesqueakingofthepencilswouldbeworsethanthepoemsthemselves。"
"That’strue，"saidCassius。"Ineverthoughtofthat。Ifadozenpoetsgottoworkonthoseslatesatonce，afifecorpswouldn’tbeacircumstancetothem。"
"Well，itallgoestoprovewhatIhavethoughtallalong，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Homer’sideaisagoodone，andSamsonwaswiseinbackingitup。Thepoetsneedtobeconcentratedsomewherewheretheywillnotbeanuisancetootherpeople，andwhereotherpeoplewillnotbeanuisancetothem。Homeroughttohaveaplacetocomposeinwherethevingt—et—unplayerswillnotinterrupthisfrenzies，and，ontheotherhand，thevingt—et—unandotherplayersshouldbeprotectedfromthewooersofthemuse。I’llvotetohavethePoets’Corner，andinitImovethatCassius’sslateideabecarriedout。Itwillbeagreatsaving，andifthecornerweselectbefarenoughawayfromtheothercornersoftheclub，thesqueakingoftheslate—pencilsneedbothernoone。"
"Iagreetothat，"saidBlackstone。"OnlyIthinkitshouldbeunderstoodthat，ingrantingthepetitionofthepoets，wedonotbindourselvestoyieldtodoctorsandlawyersandshoemakersandplumbersincasetheyshouldeachwantacornertothemselves。"
"Averywiseidea，"saidSirWalter。Whereupontheresolutionwassuitablyworded，andpassedunanimously。
JustwherethePoets’Corneristobelocatedthemembersofthecommitteehavenotasyetdecided，althoughConfuciusisstronglyinfavorofhavingitplacedinadingysituatedaquarterofamileasternofthehouse—boat，andconnectedtherewithbyaslightcord，whichcanbeeasilycutincasethesqueakingofthepoets’slate—
pencilsbecomestoomuchforthenervoussystemofthememberswhohavenocorneroftheirown。
CHAPTERVI：SOMETHEORIES，DARWINIANANDOTHERWISE
"Iobserve，"saidDoctorDarwin，lookingupfromaperusalofanasbestoscopyoftheLondonTimes——"IobservethatanAmericanprofessorhasdiscoveredthatmonkeystalk。Iconsiderthataveryinterestingfact。"
"Itundoubtedlyis，"observedDoctorLivingstone，"thoughhardlynew。
Ineversaidanythingaboutitoverintheotherworld，butI
discoveredyearsagoinAfricathatmonkeyswerequiteaswellabletoholdasustainedconversationwitheachotherasmostmenare。"
"AndI，too，"putinBaronMunchausen，"havefrequentlyconversedwithmonkeys。Imademyselfamasteroftheiridiomsduringmybriefsojournin——ah——in——well，nevermindwhere。Inevercouldrememberthenamesofplaces。TheinterestingpointisthatatoneperiodofmylifeIwasamasterofthemonkeylanguage。IhaveevengonesofarastowriteasonnetinSimian，whichwasquiteasintelligibletotheuneducatedasnine—tenthsofthesonnetswritteninEnglishorAmerican。"
"Doyoumeantosaythatyoucouldacquirethemonkeyaccent？"askedDoctorDarwin，immediatelyinterested。
"Inmostinstances，"returnedtheBaron，suavely，"thoughofcoursenotinall。IfoundthesamedifficultyinsomecasesthattheGermanortheChinamanfindswhenhetriestospeakFrench。A
ChinamancannomoresayTrocadero，forinstance，astheFrenchmansaysit，thanhecanfly。ThatpeculiarthroatyaspiratetheFrenchmangivestothefirstsyllable，asthoughitwerespelledtrhoque，isutterlybeyondtheChinese——andbeyondtheAmerican，too，whoseideaofthetonsillaraspirateleadshimtospeakofthetrochedeero，naturallyfallingbackupontrochestohelphimoutofhislaryngealdifficulties。"
"YououghttohavebeenonthestaffofPunch，Baron，"saidThackeray，quietly。"Thatjokewouldhavemadeyouimmortal。"
"IAMimmortal，"saidtheBaron。"ButtoreturntoourdiscussionoftheSimiantongue：asIwassaying，thereweresomelittlepointsabouttheaccentthatIcouldneverget，and，asinthecaseoftheGermanandChinamanwiththeFrenchlanguage，thetroublewaspurelyphysical。WhenyouconsiderthatinpoliteSimiansocietymostofthetalkersconversewhileswingingbytheirtailsfromthelimbofatree，withasortofdroningaccent，whichresultsfromtheirswayingtoandfro，youwillseeatoncewhyitwasthatI，deprivedbynatureofthenecessaryapparatuswithwhichtosuspendmyselfinmid—air，wasunabletoquitecatchthequalitywhichgivesitschiefcharmtomonkey—talk。"
"Ishouldhardlythinkthatamanofyourfertileresourceswouldhaveletsosmallathingasthatstandinhisway，"saidDoctorLivingstone。"Whenamanisabletomakeareputationforhimselflikeyours，inwhichmaterialfactsareneverallowedtointerferewithhisdoingwhathesetsouttodo，heoughtnottobedauntedbytheneedofatail。Ifyoucouldmakeacherry—treegrowoutofadeer’shead，Ifailtoseewhyyoucouldnotpersonallygrowatail，oranythingelseyoumighthappentoneedfortheattainmentofyourends。"
"Iwasnotsoanxioustogettheaccentasallthat，"returnedtheBaron。"Idon’tthinkitisnecessaryforamantomakeamonkeyofhimselfjustforthepleasureofmasteringalanguage。Reasoningsimilarly，amantomastertheartofbrayinginafashioncomprehensibletothejackassofaverageintellectshouldmakeajackassofhimself，cultivatehisears，andlearntokick，soasproperlytopunctuatehissentencesafterthemannerofmostconversationalbeastsofthatkind。"
"Thenyoubelievethatjackassestalk，too，doyou？"askedDoctorDarwin。
"Whynot？"saidtheBaron。"Ifmonkeys，whynotdonkeys？Certainlytheydo。Allcreatureshavesomemeansofcommunicatingtheirthoughtstoeachother。WhymaninhisconceitshouldthinkotherwiseIdon’tknow，unlessitbethatthebirdsandbeastsintheirconceitprobablythinkthattheyaloneofallthecreaturesintheworldcantalk。"
"Ihaven’tadoubt，"saidDoctorLivingstone，"thatmonkeyslisteningtomenandwomentalkingthinktheyareonlyjabbering。"
"They’renotfarfromwronginmostcasesiftheydo，"saidDoctorJohnson，whouptothistimehadbeenmerelyaninterestedlistener。
"I’vethoughtthatmanyatimemyself。"
"Whichisperhaps，inaslightdegree，aconfirmationofmytheory，"
putinDarwin。"IfDoctorJohnson’smindrunsinthesamechannelsthatthemonkey’smindrunsin，whymaywenotsaythatDoctorJohnson，beingaman，hascertainqualitiesofthemonkey，andistherefore，inasense，ofthesamestrain？"
"Youmaysaywhatyouplease，"retortedJohnson，wrathfully，"butI’llmakeyouprovewhatyousayaboutme。"
"Iwouldn’tifIwereyou，"saidDoctorLivingstone，inapeace—
makingspirit。"Itwouldnotbeapleasanttaskforyou，compellingourfriendtoproveyoudescendedfromtheape。Ishouldthinkyou’dprefertomakehimleaveitunproved。"
"HavemonkeysBoswells？"queriedThackeray。
"Idon’tknowanythingabout’em，"saidJohnson，petulantly。
"NomoredoI，"saidDarwin，"andIdidn’tmeantobeoffensive，mydearJohnson。IfIclaimSimianancestryforyou，Iclaimitequallyformyself。"
"Well，I’mnosnob，"saidJohnson，unmollified。"Ifyouwanttobragaboutyourancestors，doit。Leaveminealone。Sticktoyourowngenealogicalorchard。"
"Well，Ibelievefullythatwearealldescendedfromtheape，"saidMunchausen。"Thereisn’tanydoubtinmymindthatbeforethefloodallmenhadtails。Noahhadatail。Shem，Ham，andJaphethhadtails。It’sperfectlyreasonabletobelieveit。TheArkinasenseprovedit。ItwouldhavebeenalmostimpossibleforNoahandhissonstoconstructtheArkinthetimetheydidwiththeassistanceofonlytwohandsapiece。Think，however，ofhowfasttheycouldworkwiththeassistanceofthatthirdarm。NoahcouldhammeraclapboardontotheArkwithtwohandswhilegraspingasawandcuttinganewboardorplaningitoffwithhistail。Sowiththeothers。Weallknowhowmuchathirdhandwouldhelpusattimes。"
"Buthowdoyouaccountforitsdisappearance？"putinDoctorLivingstone。"Isitlikelytheywoulddispensewithsuchausefuladjunct？"
"No，itisn’t；buttherearevariouswaysofaccountingforitsloss，"saidMunchausen。"TheymayhaveoverworkeditbuildingtheArk；Shem，Ham，orJaphethmayhavehadhiscaughtinthedooroftheArkandcutoffinthehurryofthedeparture；plentyofthingsmayhavehappenedtoeliminateit。Menlosetheirhairandtheirteeth；
whymightnotamanloseatail？Scientistssaythatcominggenerationsfarinthefuturewillbetoothlessandbald。Whymayitnotbethatthroughcausesunknowntouswearesimilarlydeprivedofsomethingourforefathershad？"
"Theonlyreasonforman’slosinghishairisthathewearsahatallthetime，"saidLivingstone。"TheDerbyhatistheenemyofhair。
Itishot，anddriesupthescalp。YoumightaswelltrytoraisewatermelonsintheDesertofSaharaastotrytoraisehairunderthemodernhat。Infact，themodernhatisafurnace。"
"Well，it’samightygoodfurnace，"observedMunchausen。"Youdon’thavetoputcoalonthemodernhat。"
"Perhaps，"interposedThackeray，"theancientsworetheirhatsontheirtails。"
"Well，Ihaveatotallydifferenttheory，"saidJohnson。
"Youalwaysdidhave，"observedMunchausen。
"Verylikely，"saidJohnson。"Tobecommonplaceneverwasmyambition。"
"Whatisyourtheory？"queriedLivingstone。
"Well——Idon’tknow，"saidJohnson，"ifitbeworthexpressing。"
"Itmaybeworthsendingbyfreight，"interruptedThackeray。"Letushaveit。"
"Well，Ibelieve，"saidJohnson——"IbelievethatAdamwasamonkey。"
"Hebehavedlikeone，"ejaculatedThackeray。
"Ibelievethattheforbiddentreewasatenderone，andthereforetheonlyoneuponwhichAdamwasforbiddentoswingbyhistail，"
saidJohnson。
"Clearenough——sofar，"saidMunchausen。
"ButthatthepossessionoftailsbyAdamandEveentailedaloveofswingingthereby，andthattheycouldnotresistthetemptationtoswingfromeverylimbinEden，andthattherefore，whileAdamwasoffswingingonothertrees，Evetookaswingontheforbiddentree；thatAdam，returning，caughtherintheact，andimmediatelygavewayhimselfandswung，"saidJohnson。
"Thenyoueliminatetheserpent？"queriedDarwin。
"Notabitofit，"Johnsonanswered。"Theserpentwasthetail。
Lookatmostsnakesto—day。Whataretheybutunattachedtails？"
"Theydolookit，"saidDarwin，thoughtfully。
"Why，it’sclearasday，"saidJohnson。"AspunishmentAdamandEvelosttheirtails，andthetailitselfwascompelledtoworkforalivinganddoitsownwalking。"
"Ineverthoughtofthat，"saidDarwin。"Itseemsreasonable。"
"Itisreasonable，"saidJohnson。
"Andthesnakesofthepresentday？"queriedThackeray。
"Ibelievetobethemissingtailsofmen，"saidJohnson。"Somewhereintheworldisatailforeverymanandwomanandchild。Whereone’stailisnoonecaneversay，butthatitexistssimultaneouslywithitsownerIbelieve。Theabhorrencemanhasforsnakesisdirectlyattributabletohisabhorrenceforallthingswhichhavedeprivedhimofsomethingthatisgood。IfAdam’stailhadnottemptedhimtoswingontheforbiddentree，weshouldallofushavebeenablethroughlifetorelaxfrombusinesscaresafterthemannerofthemonkey，whoishappyfrommorninguntilnight。"
"Well，Ican’tseethatitdoesusanygoodtosithereanddiscussthismatter，"saidDoctorLivingstone。"Wecan’treachanyconclusion。Theonlywaytosettlethematter，itseemstome，istogodirectlytoAdam，whoisamemberofthisclub，andaskhimhowitwas。"
"That’sagreatidea，"saidThackeray，scornfully。"You’dlookwellgoinguptoamanandsaying，’Excuseme，sir，but——ah——wereyoueveramonkey？’"
"Tosaynothingofcatechisingamanonthesubjectofanoldanddreadfulscandal，"putinMunchausen。"I’msurprisedatyou，Livingstone。Africanetiquetteseemstohaveruinedyoursenseofpropriety。"
"I’djustasliefaskhim，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Etiquette？Bah!
Whatbusinesshasetiquettetostandinthewayofhumanknowledge？
Conventionalityisthelastthingmenofbrainsshouldstriveafter，andI，forone，amnotgoingtobeboundbyit。"
HereDoctorJohnsontouchedtheelectricbell，andinaninstanttheshadeofabuttonsappeared。
"Boy，isAdamintheclub—housetoday？"askedthesage。
"I’llgoandsee，sir，"saidtheboy，andheimmediatelydeparted。
"Goodboythat，"saidThackeray。
"Yes；buttheserviceinthisclubisdreadful，consideringwhatwemighthave，"saidDarwin。"WithAladdinamemberofthisclub，I
don’tseewhywecan’thavehislampwithgeniigaloretorespond。
Itcertainlywouldbemoreeconomical。"
"True；butI，forone，don’tcaretofoolwithgenii，"saidMunchausen。"Whenonemembercansummonaservantwhoisstrongenoughtotakeanothermemberanddohimupinabottleandcasthimintothesea，Ihavenouseforthesystem。Plainordinarymortalshadesaregoodenoughforme。"
AsMunchausenspoke，theboyreturned。
"Mr。Adamisn’thereto—day，sir，"hesaid，addressingDoctorJohnson。"AndCharonsayshe’snotlikelytobehere，sir，seeingashowhisaccountisclosed，nothavingbeensettledforthreemonths。"
"Good，"saidThackeray。"Iwasafraidhewashere。Idon’twanttohavehimaskedabouthisEdenexperiencesinmybehalf。That’spersonality。"
"Well，then，there’sonlyoneotherthingtodo，"saidDarwin。
"MunchausenclaimstobeabletospeakSimian。Hemightseekoutsomeoftheprehistoricmonkeysandputthequestiontothem。"
"No，thankyou，"saidMunchausen。"I’malittlerustyinthelanguage，and，besides，youtalklikeanidiot。YoumightaswellspeakofthehumanlanguageastheSimianlanguage。ThereareFrenchmonkeyswhospeakmonkeyFrench，AfricanmonkeyswhotalkthemostbarbarouskindofZulumonkeypatois，andCongomonkeyslang，andsoon。LetJohnsonsendhislittleBoswellouttodrumupinformation。
Ifthereisanythingtobefoundouthe’llgetit，andthenhecantellittous。Ofcoursehemaygetitallwrong，butitwillbeentertaining，andwe’llneverknowanydifference。"
Whichseemedtotheothersagoodidea，butwhatevercameofitI
havenotbeeninformed。
CHAPTERVII：ADISCUSSIONASTOLADIES’DAY
"ImetQueenElizabethjustnowontheRow，"saidRaleigh，asheenteredthehouse—boatandcheckedhiscloak。
"Indeed？"saidConfucius。"Whatifyoudid？OtherpeoplehavemetQueenElizabeth。There’snothingoriginalaboutthat。"
"True；butshemadeasuggestiontomeaboutthishouse—boatwhichI
thinkisagoodone。Shesaysthewomenareallcrazytoseetheinsideofit，"saidRaleigh。
"Thusprovingthatimmortalwomanisnodifferentfrommortalwoman，"
retortedConfucius。"Theywanttoseetheinsideofeverything。
Curiosity，thynameiswoman。"
"Well，IamsureIdon’tseewhymenshouldarrogatetothemselvesthesolerighttoaninvestigatingturnofmind，"saidRaleigh，impatiently。"Whyshouldn’ttheladieswanttoseetheinsideofthisclub—house？Itisacomplimenttousthattheyshould，andI
foroneaminfavoroflettingthem，andIamgoingtoproposethatintheIdesofMarchwegivealadies’dayhere。"
"ThenIshallgoSouthformyhealthintheIdesofMarch，"saidConfucius，angrily。"Whatonearthisaclubforifitisn’ttoenablementogetawayfromtheirwivesonceinawhile？Whendopeoplegotoclubs？Whentheyareontheirwayhome——that’swhen；
andthemoreaman’sathomeinhisclub，thelesshe’sathomewhenhe’sathome。Isupposeyou’llbesuggestingachildren’sdaynext，andafterthataparrot’soracanary—bird’sday。"
"Ihadnoideayouweresuchawoman—hater，"saidRaleigh，inastonishment。"What’sthematter？Wereyoueverdisappointedinlove？"
"I？Howabsurd!"retortedConfucius，reddening。"TheideaofMY
everbeingdisappointedinlove!Inevermetthewomanwhocouldbringmetomyknees，althoughIwasmarriedintheotherworld。
WhatbecameofMrs。C。Ineverinquired。ShemaybeinChinayet，foraughtIknow。Iregarddeathasadivorce。"
"Yourwifemustbegladofit，"saidRaleigh，somewhatungallantly；
for，totellthetruth，hewasnettledbyConfucius’sdemeanor。"I
didn’tknow，however，butthatsinceyouescapedfromChinaandcameheretoHadesyoumighthavefalleninlovewithsomespiritofanagesubsequenttoyourown——MaryQueenofScots，orJoanofArc，orsomeotherspook——whorejectedyou。Ican’taccountforyourdislikeofwomenotherwise。"
"NotI，"saidConfucius。"HadeswouldhavealessclassicnamethanithasformeifIwerehamperedwithafamily。Butgoalongandhaveyourladies’dayhere，andnevermindmyreasonsforpreferringmyownsocietytothatofthefairsex。Icanatleaststayathomethatday。Whatdoyouproposetodo——throwopenthehousetothewivesofmembers，ortoallladies，irrespectiveoftheirhusbands’
membershiphere？"
"Ithinkthelatterplanwouldbethebetter，"saidRaleigh。
"OtherwiseQueenElizabeth，towhomIamindebtedforthesuggestion，wouldbeexcluded。Shenevermarried，youknow。"
"Didn’tshe？"saidConfucius。"No，Ididn’tknowit；butthatdoesn’tproveanything。WhenIwenttoschoolwedidn’tstudythehistoryoftheElizabethanperiod。Shedidn’thaveabsoluteswayoverEngland，then？"
"Shehad；butwhatofthat？"queriedRaleigh。
"Doyoumeantosaythatshelivedanddiedanoldmaidfromchoice？"
demandedConfucius。
"CertainlyIdo，"saidRaleigh。"AndwhyshouldInottellyouthat？"
"Foraverygoodandsufficientreason，"retortedConfucius，"whichis，inbrief，thatIamnotamarine。Imaydislikewomen，mydearRaleigh，butIknowthembetterthanyoudo，gallantasyouare；andwhenyoutellmeinoneandthesamemomentthatawomanholdingabsoluteswayovermenyetlivedanddiedanoldmaid，youmustnotbeindignantifIsmileandbitetheendofmythumb，whichistheChinesewayofsayingthat’sallinyoureye，BettyMartin。"
"Believeitornot，youpooroldbacknumber，"retortedRaleigh，hotly。"Italtersnothing。QueenElizabethcouldhavemarriedahundredtimesoverifshehadwished。IknowIlostmyheadtherecompletely。"
"Thatshows，SirWalter，"saidDryden，withagrin，"howwrongyouare。YoulostyourheadtoKingJames。Hi!Shakespeare，here’samandoesn’tknowwhochoppedhisheadoff。"
Raleigh’sfaceflushedscarlet。"’Tisbettertohavehadaheadandlostit，"hecried，"thannevertohavehadaheadatall!Markyou，Dryden，myboy，itillbefitsyoutoscoffatmeformymisfortune，fordustthouart，andtodustthouhastreturned，ifwordfromt’othersideaboutthybooksandthatwhichinandonthemliesbetrue。"
"Whate’erbesaidaboutmybooks，"saidDryden，angrily，"betheyreadorbetheynot，’tisminetheyare，andnonetherebewhodaredisputetheirauthorship。"
"Thusprovingthatmen，thankHeaven，arestillsane，"ejaculatedDoctorJohnson。"ToassumetheauthorshipofDrydenwouldbenotsomuchaclaim，myfriend，asaconfession。"
"ShadesofthemightyChow!"criedConfucius。"An’willyehearthepoetssquabble!Egad!Aladies’daycouldhardlyintroduceintoourmidstamoredivertingdisputation。"
"We’reallgettingalittlehigh—flowninourphraseology，"putinShakespeareatthispoint。"Let’squittalkinginblank—verseandcomedowntobusiness。_I_thinkaladies’daywouldbegreatsport。
I’llwriteapoemtoreadontheoccasion。"
"ThenIopposeitwithallmyheart，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Whydoyoualwayswanttomakeourentertainmentscommonplace？Leaveoccasionalpoemstomortals。Ineverknewanoccasionalpoemyetthatwasworthyofanimmortal。"
"That’spreciselywhyIwanttowriteoneoccasionalpoem。I’dmakeitworthy，"Shakespeareanswered。"Likethis，forinstance：
Mostfair，mostsweet，mostbeauteousofladies，ThegreatestcharminallyerealmofHades。
Why，mydearDoctor，suchanopportunityforrhymingHadeswithladiesshouldnotbelost。"
"ThatjustproveswhatIsaid，"saidJohnson。"AnyidiotcanmakeladiesrhymewithHades。Itrequiresabsolutegeniustoavoidthetemptation。YouaregreatenoughtomakeHadesrhymewithbicycleifyouchoosetodoit——butno，yousuccumbtothetemptationtobecommonplace。Bah!Oneofthesemoderndrawing—roompoetswiththreesectionstohisnamecouldn’tdoworse。"
"Ongeneralprinciples，"saidRaleigh，"Johnsonisright。Weinvitethesepeopleheretoseeourclub—house，nottogivethemanexhibitionofourmetricalpowers，andIthinkallexercisesofaformalnatureshouldbefrownedupon。"
"Verywell，"saidShakespeare。"Goahead。Haveyourownwayaboutit。Getoutyourbrowandfrown。I’mperfectlywillingtosavemyselfthetroubleofwritingapoem。Writingrealpoetryisn’teasy，asyoufellowswouldhavediscoveredforyourselvesifyou’devertriedit。"
"Topassoverthearrogantassumptionofthegentlemanwhohasjustspoken，withthesilenceduetoaproperexpressionofourcontempttherefor，"saidDryden，slowly，"Ithinkincasewedohavealadies’
dayhereweshouldexerciseamostcarefulsupervisionovertheinvitationlist。Forinstance，wouldn’titbeawkwardforourgoodfriendHenrytheEighthtoencounterthevariousMrs。Henryshere？
Woulditnotlikewisebeawkwardforthemtomeeteachother？"
"Yourpointiswelltaken，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Idon’tknowwhethertheKing’smatrimonialventuresareonspeakingtermswitheachotherornot，butunderanycircumstancesitwouldhardlybeapleasingspectacleforKatharineofArragontoseeHenryrunninghislegsoffgettingcreamandcakesforAnneBoleyn；norwouldAnnelikeitmuchif，ontheotherhand，HenrychosetobehavelikeagentlemanandahusbandtoJaneSeymourorKatharineParr。Ithink，ifthemembersthemselvesaretosendouttheinvitations，theyshouldeachbelimitedtotwocards，withtheexpressunderstandingthatnomembershallbepermittedtoinvitemorethanonewife。"
"That’sgoingtobeawkward，"saidRaleigh，scratchinghisheadthoughtfully。"Henryissuchahot—headedfellowthathemightresentthestipulation。"
"Ithinkhewould，"saidConfucius。"Ithinkhe’dbeasmadasahatteratyourinsinuationthathewouldinviteanyofhiswives，ifallIhearofhimistrue；andwhatI’veheard，Wolseyhastoldme。"
"HeknewathingortwoaboutHenry，"saidShakespeare。"Ifyoudon’tbelieveit，justreadthatplayofminethatBeaumontandFletcher——er——ah——thoughtsomuchof。"
"Youcameneargivingyoursecretawaythattime，William，"saidJohnson，withaslysmile，andgivingtheAvonianadigbetweentheribs。
"Secret!Ihaven’tanysecret，"saidShakespeare，alittleacridly。
"It’sthetruthI’mtellingyou。BeaumontandFletcherDIDadmireHenrytheEighth。"
"Therebyshowingtheirconceit，eh？"saidJohnson。
"Oh，ofcourse，Ididn’twriteanything，didI？"criedShakespeare。
"Everybodywrotemyplaysbutme。I’mtheonlypersonthathadnohandinShakespeare。Itseemstomethatjokeisaboutwornout，Doctor。I’mgettingalittletiredofitmyself；butifitamusesyou，why，keepitup。_I_knowwhowrotemyplays，andwhateveryoumaysaycannotaffectthefacts。NextthingyoufellowswillbesayingthatIdidn’twritemyownautographs？"
"Ididn’tsaythat，"saidJohnson，quietly。"Onlythereisnointernalevidenceinyourautographsthatyouknewhowtospellyournameifyoudid。AmanwhosignshisnameShixpuronedayandShikespearethenextneedn’tcomplainiftheBankofPosterityrefusestohonorhischeck。"
"They’dhonormycheckquickenoughthesedays，"retortedShakespeare。"Whenaman’sautographbringsfivethousanddollars，oronethousandpounds，intheauction—room，thereisn’tabankintheworldfoolenoughtodeclinetohonoranycheckhe’llsignunderathousanddollars，ortwohundredpounds。"
"Ifancyyou’reright，"putinRaleigh。"Butyourchecksoryourplayshavenothingtodowithladies’day。Let’sgettosomeconclusioninthismatter。"
"Yes，"saidConfucius。"Let’s。Ladies’dayisbecomingadreadfulbore，andifwedon’thurryupthebilliard—roomwillbefull。"
"Well，Imovewegetupapetitiontothecounciltohaveit，"saidDryden。
"Iagree，"saidConfucius，"andI’llsignit。Ifthere’sonewaytoavoidhavingladies’dayinthefuture，it’stohaveonenowandbedonewithit。"
"Allright，"saidShakespeare。"I’llsigntoo。"
"As——er——ShixpurorShikespeare？"queriedJohnson。
"Lethimalone，"saidRaleigh。"He’sgettingsensitiveaboutthat；
andwhatyouneedtolearnmorethananythingelseisthatitisn’tmannerstotwitamanonfacts。What’sbotheringyou，Dryden？Youlooklikeamanwithanidea。"
"Ithasjustoccurredtome，"saidDryden，"thatwhilewecansafelyleavethequestionofHenrytheEighthandhiswivestothewisdomofthecouncil，weoughttopaysomeattentiontotheadvisabilityofinvitingLucretiaBorgia。I’dhatetoeatanysupperifshecamewithinamileofthebanqueting—hall。Ifshecomesyou’llhavetoappointatastingcommitteebeforeI’lltouchadropofpunchoreataspeckofsalad。"
"WemightrecommendtheappointmentofRaleightolookafterthefairLucretiaandseethatshehasnopoisonwithher，orifshehas，tokeepherfromdroppingitintothesalads，"saidConfucius，withasidelongglanceatRaleigh。"He’stheespecialchampionofwomaninthisclub，andnodoubtwouldbeproudofthedistinction。"
"Iwouldwithmostwomen，"saidRaleigh。"ButIdrawthelineatLucretiaBorgia。"
Andsoapetitionwasdrawnup，signed，andsenttothecouncil，andthey，aftermaturedeliberation，decidedtohavetheladies’day，towhichalltheladiesinHades，exceptingLucretiaBorgiaandDelilah，weretobedulyinvited，onlythedatewasnotspecified。DelilahwasexcludedattherequestofSamson，whoseconvincingmuscles，ratherthanhisarguments，completelywonoveralloppositiontohisproposition。
CHAPTERVIII：ADISCONTENTEDSHADE
"Itseemstome，"saidShakespeare，wearily，oneafternoonattheclub——"thatthisbusinessofbeingimmortalisprettydull。Didn’tsomebodyoncesayhe’dratherridefiftyyearsonatrolleyinEuropethanonabicycleinCathay？"
"Ineverheardanysuchremarkbyanyself—respectingperson，"saidJohnson。
"Isaidsomethinglikeit，"observedTennyson。
DoctorJohnsonlookedaroundtoseewhoitwasthatspoke。
"You？"hecried。"Andwho，pray，mayyoube？"
"MynameisTennyson，"repliedthepoet。
"Andaverygoodnameitis，"saidShakespeare。
"IamnotawarethatIeverheardthenamebefore，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Didyoumakeityourself？"
"Idid，"saidthelatelaureate，proudly。
"Inwhatpursuit？"askedDoctorJohnson。
"Poetry，"saidTennyson。"Iwrote’LocksleyHall’and’ComeintotheGarden，Maude。’"
"Humph!"saidDoctorJohnson。"Ineverread’em。"
"Well，whyshouldyouhavereadthem？"snarledCarlyle。"Theywerewrittenafteryoumovedoverhere，andtheyweregoodstuff。Youneedn’tthinkbecauseyouquit，thewholeworldputupitsshuttersandwentoutofbusiness。IdidafewthingsmyselfwhichIfancyyouneverheardof。"
"Oh，asforthat，"retortedDoctorJohnson，withasmile，"I’veheardofyou；youarethemanwhowrotethelifeofFredericktheGreatinninehundredandtwovolumes——"
"Seven!"snappedCarlyle。
"Well，seventhen，"returnedJohnson。"Ineversawthework，butI
heardFrederickspeakingofittheotherday。Bonaparteaskedhimifhehadreadit，andFredericksaidno，hehadn’ttime。Bonapartecried，’Haven’ttime？Why，mydearking，you’vegotalleternity。’
’Iknowit，’repliedFrederick，’butthatisn’tenough。Readapageortwo，mydearNapoleon，andyou’llseewhy。’"
"Frederickwillhavehisjoke，"saidShakespeare，withawinkatTennysonandasmileforthetwophilosophers，intended，nodoubt，toputtheminamoreagreeableframeofmind。"Why，heevenaskedmetheotherdaywhyIneverwroteatragedyabouthim，completelyignoringthefactthathecamealongmanyyearsafterIhaddeparted。
Ispokeofthat，andhesaid，’Oh，Iwasonlyjoking。’Iapologized。
’Ididn’tknowthat，’saidI。’Andwhyshouldyou？’saidhe。
’You’reEnglish。’"
"Averyruderemark，"saidJohnson。"AsifweEnglishwereincapableofseeingajoke!"
"Exactly，"putinCarlyle。"ItstrikesmeastheabsurdestnotionthattheEnglishmancan’tseeajoke。TothemindthatisaccustomedtosnapjudgmentsIhavenodoubttheEnglishmanappearstobedullofapprehension，butthephilosophyofthewholematterisapparenttothemindthattakesthetroubletoinvestigate。TheBritonweighseverythingcarefullybeforehecommitshimself，andeventhoughacertainpointmaystrikehimasfunny，heisn’tgoingtolaughuntilhehasfullymadeuphismindthatitisfunny。IrememberonceridingdownPiccadillywithFroudeinahansomcab。FroudehadacopyofPunchinhishand，andhebegantolaughimmoderatelyoversomething。Ileanedoverhisshouldertoseewhathewaslaughingat。’Thatisn’tsofunny，’saidI，asIreadtheparagraphonwhichhiseyewasresting。’No，’saidFroude。’Iwasn’tlaughingatthat。
Iwasenjoyingthejokethatappearedinthesamerelativepositioninlastweek’sissue。’Nowthat’sthepoint——thewholepoint。TheEnglishmanalwayslaughsoverlastweek’sPunch，notthisweek’s，andthatiswhyyouwillfindafileofthatinterestingjournalinthehomeofallwell—to—doBritons。Itisthebacknumberthatamuseshim——whichmerelyprovesthatheisadeliberativepersonwhoweighsevenhishumorcarefullybeforegivingwaytohisemotions。"
"WhatistheaverageweightofacopyofPunch？"drawledArtemasWard，whohadstrolledinduringthelatterpartoftheconversation。
Shakespearesnickeredquietly，butCarlyleandJohnsonlookedupontheintruderseverely。
"Wewilltakethatquestionintoconsideration，"saidCarlyle。
"Perhapsto—morrowweshallhaveadefiniteanswerreadyforyou。"
"Nevermind，"returnedthehumorist。"You’veprovedyourpoint。
Tennysontellsmeyoufindlifeheredull，Shakespeare。"
"Somewhat，"saidShakespeare。"Idon’tknowabouttherestofyoufellows，butIwasnotcutoutforaneternityofease。Imusthaveoccupation，andthestageisn’tpopularhere。Thetroubleaboutputtingonaplayhereisthatourmanagersareafraidoflibelsuits。ThechancesarethatifIshouldwriteaplaywithCassiusasthehero，Cassiuswouldgotothefirstnight’sperformancewithadaggerconcealedinhistoga，withwhichtopunctuatehisobjectionstothelinesputinhismouth。ThereisnothingI’dlikebetterthantomanageatheatreinthisplace，butthinkoftheriotswe’dhave!
Suppose，foraninstant，thatIwroteaplayaboutBonaparte!He’dhaveabox，andwhentherestofyouspookscalledfortheauthorattheendofthethirdact，ifhedidn’thappentoliketheplayhe’dgreetmewithasalvoofartilleryinsteadofapplause。"
"Hewouldn’tifyoumadehimoutagreatconquerorfromstarttofinish，"saidTennyson。
"Nodoubt，"returnedShakespeare，sadly；"butinthateventWellingtonwouldbeintheotherstage—box，andI’dgetthegreetingfromhim。"
"Whycomeoutatall？"askedJohnson。
"Whycomeoutatall？"echoedShakespeare。"Whatfunisthereinwritingaplayifyoucan’tcomeoutandshowyourselfatthefirstnight？That’stheauthor’sreward。Ifitwasn’tforthefirst—nightbusiness，though，allwouldbeplainsailing。"
"Thenwhydon’tyoubeginitthesecondnight？"drawledWard。
"Howthedeucecouldyou？"putinCarlyle。
"Amostextraordinaryproposition，"sneeredJohnson。
"Yes，"saidWard；"butwaitaweek——you’llseethepointthen。"
"Thereisn’tanydoubtinmymind，"saidShakespeare，revertingtohisoriginalproposition，"thattheonlyperfectlysatisfactorylifeisunderasystemnotyetadoptedineitherworld——theonewehavequittedorthis。Therewehadhardworkinwhichourmortallimitationshamperedusgrievously；herewehavethefreedomoftheimmortalwithnohardwork；inotherwords，nowthatwefeellikefighting—cocks，thereisn’tanyfightingtobedone。Thegreatlifeinmyestimation，wouldbetoreturntoearthandbattlewithmortalproblems，butequippedmentallyandphysicallywithimmortalweapons。"
"Somepeopledon’tknowwhentheyarewelloff，"saidBeauBrummel。
"Thisstrikesmeasbeinganideallife。Therearenotailorsbillstopay——weareourselvesnothingbutmemories，andamemorycanclothehimselfintheshadowofhisformergrandeur——Iclothemyselfintheremembranceofmydepartedclothes，andasmymemoryisgoodI
flattermyselfI’mthebest—dressedmanhere。Thefactthatthereareghostsofdepartedunpaidbillshauntingmybedsideatnightdoesn’tbothermeintheleast，becausethebailiffsthatintheoldlifelentterrortoanoverdueaccount，thankstoourbeneficentsystemhere，arekeptinthelessagreeablesectionsofHades。I
usedtoregretthatbailiffsweresuchlowpeople，butnowIrejoiceatit。Iftheyhadbeenofadifferentordertheymighthaveprovenunpleasanthere。"
"Youareright，mydearBrummel，"interposedMunchausen。"Thislifeisfarpreferabletothatintheothersphere。Anyofyougentlemenwhohappentohavehadthepleasureofreadingmymemoirsmusthavebeenstruckwiththetremendousdifficultiesthatencumberedmyprogress。IfIwishedforarareliqueurformyluncheon，aliqueurservedonlyatthetableofanOrientalpotentate，morejealousofitthanofhisonethousandqueens，Ihadtoraisearmies，charterships，andwagewarfareinwhichfeatsofincrediblevalorhadtobeperformedbymyselfaloneandunaidedtosecurethedesiredthimbleful。Ihavedestroyedempiresforabon—bonatgreatexpenseofnervousenergy。"
"That’sverylikelytrue，"saidCarlyle。"Ishouldthinkyourfeatsofstrengthwouldhavewreckedyourimaginationintime。"
"Notso，"saidMunchausen。"Onthecontrary，continuousexerciseservedonlytomakeitstronger。But，asIwasgoingtosay，inthislifewehavenoneofthesefearfulobstacles——itisalifeofleisure；andifIwantabirdandacoldbottleatanytime，insteadofplacingmylifeinperilandjeopardizingthepeaceofallmankindtogetit，Ihaveonlytosummonbeforemethememoryofsomepreviousbirdandcoldbottle，dinethereonlikeawell—orderedcitizen，andsmokethespiritofthebestcigarmyimaginationcanconjureup。"
"Youmissmypoint，"saidShakespeare。"Idon’tsaythislifeisworseorbetterthantheotherweusedtolive。WhatIdosayisthatacombinationofbothwouldsuitme。Inshort，I’dliketolivehereandgototheotherworldeverydaytobusiness，likeasuburbanresidentwhosleepsinthecountryandmakeshislivinginthecity。