I
　　IwasbaptizedandbroughtupintheOrthodoxChristianfaith。
　　Iwastaughtitinchildhoodandthroughoutmyboyhoodandyouth。
　　ButwhenIabandonedthesecondcourseoftheuniversityattheageofeighteenInolongerbelievedanyofthethingsIhadbeentaught。
　　Judgingbycertainmemories，Ineverseriouslybelievedthem，buthadmerelyreliedonwhatIwastaughtandonwhatwasprofessedbythegrown—uppeoplearoundme，andthatreliancewasveryunstable。
　　IrememberthatbeforeIwaselevenagrammarschoolpupil，VladimirMilyutin（longsincedead），visitedusoneSundayandannouncedasthelatestnoveltyadiscoverymadeathisschool。
　　ThisdiscoverywasthatthereisnoGodandthatallwearetaughtaboutHimisamereinvention（thiswasin1838）。Irememberhowinterestedmyelderbrotherswereinthisinformation。Theycalledmetotheircouncilandweall，Iremember，becameveryanimated，andaccepteditassomethingveryinterestingandquitepossible。
　　Irememberalsothatwhenmyelderbrother，Dmitriy，whowasthenattheuniversity，suddenly，inthepassionatewaynaturaltohim，devotedhimselftoreligionandbegantoattendalltheChurchservices，tofastandtoleadapureandmorallife，weall——evenourelders——unceasinglyheldhimuptoridiculeandforsomeunknownreasoncalledhim"Noah"。IrememberthatMusin—Pushkin，thethenCuratorofKazanUniversity，wheninvitingustodanceathishome，ironicallypersuadedmybrother（whowasdecliningtheinvitation）bytheargumentthatevenDaviddancedbeforetheArk。
　　Isympathizedwiththesejokesmadebymyelders，anddrewfromthemtheconclusionthatthoughitisnecessarytolearnthecatechismandgotochurch，onemustnottakesuchthingstooseriously。IrememberalsothatIreadVoltairewhenIwasveryyoung，andthathisraillery，farfromshockingme，amusedmeverymuch。
　　Mylapsefromfaithoccurredasisusualamongpeopleonourlevelofeducation。Inmostcases，Ithink，ithappensthus：amanliveslikeeverybodyelse，onthebasisofprinciplesnotmerelyhavingnothingincommonwithreligiousdoctrine，butgenerallyopposedtoit；religiousdoctrinedoesnotplayapartinlife，inintercoursewithothersitisneverencountered，andinaman’sownlifeheneverhastoreckonwithit。Religiousdoctrineisprofessedfarawayfromlifeandindependentlyofit。Ifitisencountered，itisonlyasanexternalphenomenondisconnectedfromlife。
　　Thenasnow，itwasandisquiteimpossibletojudgebyaman’slifeandconductwhetherheisabelieverornot。Iftherebeadifferencebetweenamanwhopubliclyprofessesorthodoxyandonewhodeniesit，thedifferenceisnotinfavoroftheformer。
　　Thenasnow，thepublicprofessionandconfessionoforthodoxywaschieflymetwithamongpeoplewhoweredullandcruelandwhoconsideredthemselvesveryimportant。Ability，honesty，reliability，good—natureandmoralconduct，wereoftenmetwithamongunbelievers。
　　Theschoolsteachthecatechismandsendthepupilstochurch，andgovernmentofficialsmustproducecertificatesofhavingreceivedcommunion。Butamanofourcirclewhohasfinishedhiseducationandisnotinthegovernmentservicemayevennow（andformerlyitwasstilleasierforhimtodoso）livefortenortwentyyearswithoutoncerememberingthatheislivingamongChristiansandishimselfreckonedamemberoftheorthodoxChristianChurch。
　　Sothat，nowasformerly，religiousdoctrine，acceptedontrustandsupportedbyexternalpressure，thawsawaygraduallyundertheinfluenceofknowledgeandexperienceoflifewhichconflictwithit，andamanveryoftenliveson，imaginingthathestillholdsintactthereligiousdoctrineimpartedtohiminchildhoodwhereasinfactnotatraceofitremains。
　　S。，acleverandtruthfulman，oncetoldmethestoryofhowheceasedtobelieve。Onahuntingexpedition，whenhewasalreadytwenty—six，heonce，attheplacewheretheyputupforthenight，kneltdownintheeveningtopray——ahabitretainedfromchildhood。Hiselderbrother，whowasatthehuntwithhim，waslyingonsomehayandwatchinghim。WhenS。hadfinishedandwassettlingdownforthenight，hisbrothersaidtohim："Soyoustilldothat？"
　　Theysaidnothingmoretooneanother。ButfromthatdayS。
　　ceasedtosayhisprayersorgotochurch。Andnowhehasnotprayed，receivedcommunion，orgonetochurch，forthirtyyears。
　　Andthisnotbecauseheknowshisbrother’sconvictionsandhasjoinedhiminthem，norbecausehehasdecidedanythinginhisownsoul，butsimplybecausethewordspokenbyhisbrotherwaslikethepushofafingeronawallthatwasreadytofallbyitsownweight。Thewordonlyshowedthatwherehethoughttherewasfaith，inrealitytherehadlongbeenanemptyspace，andthatthereforetheutteranceofwordsandthemakingofsignsofthecrossandgenuflectionswhileprayingwerequitesenselessactions。
　　Becomingconsciousoftheirsenselessnesshecouldnotcontinuethem。
　　Soithasbeenandis，Ithink，withthegreatmajorityofpeople。Iamspeakingofpeopleofoureducationallevelwhoaresincerewiththemselves，andnotofthosewhomaketheprofessionoffaithameansofattainingworldlyaims。（Suchpeoplearethemostfundamentalinfidels，foriffaithisforthemameansofattaininganyworldlyaims，thencertainlyitisnotfaith。）thesepeopleofoureducationaresoplacedthatthelightofknowledgeandlifehascausedanartificialerectiontomeltaway，andtheyhaveeitheralreadynoticedthisandsweptitsplaceclear，ortheyhavenotyetnoticedit。
　　Thereligiousdoctrinetaughtmefromchildhooddisappearedinmeasinothers，butwiththisdifference，thatasfromtheageoffifteenIbegantoreadphilosophicalworks，myrejectionofthedoctrinebecameaconsciousoneataveryearlyage。FromthetimeIwassixteenIceasedtosaymyprayersandceasedtogotochurchortofastofmyownvolition。IdidnotbelievewhathadbeentaughtmeinchildhoodbutIbelievedinsomething。WhatitwasI
　　believedinIcouldnotatallhavesaid。IbelievedinaGod，orratherIdidnotdenyGod——butIcouldnothavesaidwhatsortofGod。NeitherdidIdenyChristandhisteaching，butwhathisteachingconsistedinIagaincouldnothavesaid。
　　Lookingbackonthattime，Inowseeclearlythatmyfaith——
　　myonlyrealfaith——thatwhichapartfrommyanimalinstinctsgaveimpulsetomylife——wasabeliefinperfectingmyself。Butinwhatthisperfectingconsistedandwhatitsobjectwas，Icouldnothavesaid。Itriedtoperfectmyselfmentally——IstudiedeverythingIcould，anythinglifethrewinmyway；Itriedtoperfectmywill，IdrewuprulesItriedtofollow；Iperfectedmyselfphysically，cultivatingmystrengthandagilitybyallsortsofexercises，andaccustomingmyselftoenduranceandpatiencebyallkindsofprivations。AndallthisIconsideredtobethepursuitofperfection。thebeginningofitallwasofcoursemoralperfection，butthatwassoonreplacedbyperfectioningeneral：
　　bythedesiretobebetternotinmyowneyesorthoseofGodbutintheeyesofotherpeople。Andverysoonthiseffortagainchangedintoadesiretobestrongerthanothers：tobemorefamous，moreimportantandricherthanothers。
　　II
　　SomedayIwillnarratethetouchingandinstructivehistoryofmylifeduringthosetenyearsofmyyouth。Ithinkverymanypeoplehavehadalikeexperience。WithallmysoulIwishedtobegood，butIwasyoung，passionateandalone，completelyalonewhenIsoughtgoodness。EverytimeItriedtoexpressmymostsinceredesire，whichwastobemorallygood，Imetwithcontemptandridicule，butassoonasIyieldedtolowpassionsIwaspraisedandencouraged。
　　Ambition，loveofpower，covetousness，lasciviousness，pride，anger，andrevenge——wereallrespected。
　　YieldingtothosepassionsIbecamelikethegrown—upfolkandfeltthattheyapprovedofme。ThekindauntwithwhomIlived，herselfthepurestofbeings，alwaystoldmethattherewasnothingshesodesiredformeasthatIshouldhaverelationswithamarriedwoman：’Rienneformeunjuenehomme，commeuneliaisonavecunefemmecommeilfaut’。[Footnote：Nothingsoformsayoungmanasanintimacywithawomanofgoodbreeding。]AnotherhappinessshedesiredformewasthatIshouldbecomeanaide—de—
　　camp，andifpossibleaide—de—camptotheEmperor。ButthegreatesthappinessofallwouldbethatIshouldmarryaveryrichgirlandsobecomepossessedofasmanyserfsaspossible。
　　Icannotthinkofthoseyearswithouthorror，loathingandheartache。Ikilledmeninwarandchallengedmentoduelsinordertokillthem。Ilostatcards，consumedthelaborofthepeasants，sentencedthemtopunishments，livedloosely，anddeceivedpeople。Lying，robbery，adulteryofallkinds，drunkenness，violence，murder——therewasnocrimeIdidnotcommit，andinspiteofthatpeoplepraisedmyconductandmycontemporariesconsideredandconsidermetobeacomparativelymoralman。
　　SoIlivedfortenyears。
　　DuringthattimeIbegantowritefromvanity，covetousness，andpride。InmywritingsIdidthesameasinmylife。togetfameandmoney，forthesakeofwhichIwrote，itwasnecessarytohidethegoodandtodisplaytheevil。andIdidso。HowofteninmywritingsIcontrivedtohideundertheguiseofindifference，orevenofbanter，thosestrivingsofminetowardsgoodnesswhichgavemeaningtomylife!AndIsucceededinthisandwaspraised。
　　Attwenty—sixyearsofage[Footnote：Hewasinfact27atthetime。]IreturnedtoPetersburgafterthewar，andmetthewriters。
　　Theyreceivedmeasoneofthemselvesandflatteredme。AndbeforeIhadtimetolookroundIhadadoptedtheviewsonlifeofthesetofauthorsIhadcomeamong，andtheseviewscompletelyobliteratedallmyformerstrivingstoimprove——theyfurnishedatheorywhichjustifiedthedissolutenessofmylife。
　　Theviewoflifeofthesepeople，mycomradesinauthorship，consistedinthis：thatlifeingeneralgoesondeveloping，andinthisdevelopmentwe——menofthought——havethechiefpart；andamongmenofthoughtitiswe——artistsandpoets——whohavethegreatestinfluence。Ourvocationistoteachmankind。Andlestthesimplequestionshouldsuggestitself：WhatdoIknow，andwhatcanIteach？itwasexplainedinthistheorythatthisneednotbeknown，andthattheartistandpoetteachunconsciously。Iwasconsideredanadmirableartistandpoet，andthereforeitwasverynaturalformetoadoptthistheory。I，artistandpoet，wroteandtaughtwithoutmyselfknowingwhat。ForthisIwaspaidmoney；I
　　hadexcellentfood，lodging，women，andsociety；andIhadfame，whichshowedthatwhatItaughtwasverygood。
　　thisfaithinthemeaningofpoetryandinthedevelopmentoflifewasareligion，andIwasoneofitspriests。Tobeitspriestwasverypleasantandprofitable。AndIlivedaconsiderabletimeinthisfaithwithoutdoubtingitsvalidity。ButinthesecondandstillmoreinthethirdyearofthislifeIbegantodoubttheinfallibilityofthisreligionandtoexamineit。MyfirstcauseofdoubtwasthatIbegantonoticethatthepriestsofthisreligionwerenotallinaccordamongthemselves。Somesaid：
　　Wearethebestandmostusefulteachers；weteachwhatisneeded，buttheothersteachwrongly。Otherssaid：No!wearetherealteachers，andyouteachwrongly。andtheydisputed，quarrelled，abused，cheated，andtrickedoneanother。Therewerealsomanyamonguswhodidnotcarewhowasrightandwhowaswrong，butweresimplybentonattainingtheircovetousaimsbymeansofthisactivityofours。Allthisobligedmetodoubtthevalidityofourcreed。
　　Moreover，havingbeguntodoubtthetruthoftheauthors’
　　creeditself，Ialsobegantoobserveitspriestsmoreattentively，andIbecameconvincedthatalmostallthepriestsofthatreligion，thewriters，wereimmoral，andforthemostpartmenofbad，worthlesscharacter，muchinferiortothosewhomIhadmetinmyformerdissipatedandmilitarylife；buttheywereself—
　　confidentandself—satisfiedasonlythosecanbewhoarequiteholyorwhodonotknowwhatholinessis。Thesepeoplerevoltedme，Ibecamerevoltingtomyself，andIrealizedthatthatfaithwasafraud。
　　Butstrangetosay，thoughIunderstoodthisfraudandrenouncedit，yetIdidnotrenouncetherankthesepeoplegaveme：
　　therankofartist，poet，andteacher。InaivelyimaginedthatI
　　wasapoetandartistandcouldteacheverybodywithoutmyselfknowingwhatIwasteaching，andIactedaccordingly。
　　FrommyintimacywiththesemenIacquiredanewvice：
　　abnormallydevelopedprideandaninsaneassurancethatitwasmyvocationtoteachmen，withoutknowingwhat。
　　Torememberthattime，andmyownstateofmindandthatofthosemen（thoughtherearethousandslikethemtoday），issadandterribleandludicrous，andarousesexactlythefeelingoneexperiencesinalunaticasylum。
　　Wewereallthenconvincedthatitwasnecessaryforustospeak，write，andprintasquicklyaspossibleandasmuchaspossible，andthatitwasallwantedforthegoodofhumanity。Andthousandsofus，contradictingandabusingoneanother，allprintedandwrote——teachingothers。Andwithoutnoticingthatweknewnothing，andthattothesimplestoflife’squestions：Whatisgoodandwhatisevil？wedidnotknowhowtoreply，wealltalkedatthesametime，notlisteningtooneanother，sometimessecondingandpraisingoneanotherinordertobesecondedandpraisedinturn，sometimesgettingangrywithoneanother——justasinalunaticasylum。
　　Thousandsofworkmenlabouredtotheextremelimitoftheirstrengthdayandnight，settingthetypeandprintingmillionsofwordswhichthepostcarriedalloverRussia，andwestillwentonteachingandcouldinnowayfindtimetoteachenough，andwerealwaysangrythatsufficientattentionwasnotpaidus。
　　Itwasterriblystrange，butisnowquitecomprehensible。Ourrealinnermostconcernwastogetasmuchmoneyandpraiseaspossible。Togainthatendwecoulddonothingexceptwritebooksandpapers。Sowedidthat。Butinordertodosuchuselessworkandtofeelassuredthatwewereveryimportantpeoplewerequiredatheoryjustifyingouractivity。Andsoamongusthistheorywasdevised："Allthatexistsisreasonable。Allthatexistsdevelops。AnditalldevelopsbymeansofCulture。AndCultureismeasuredbythecirculationofbooksandnewspapers。Andwearepaidmoneyandarerespectedbecausewewritebooksandnewspapers，andthereforewearethemostusefulandthebestofmen。"Thistheorywouldhavebeenallverywellifwehadbeenunanimous，butaseverythoughtexpressedbyoneofuswasalwaysmetbyadiametricallyoppositethoughtexpressedbyanother，weoughttohavebeendriventoreflection。Butweignoredthis；peoplepaidusmoneyandthoseonoursidepraisedus，soeachofusconsideredhimselfjustified。
　　Itisnowcleartomethatthiswasjustasinalunaticasylum；butthenIonlydimlysuspectedthis，andlikealllunatics，simplycalledallmenlunaticsexceptmyself。
　　III
　　SoIlived，abandoningmyselftothisinsanityforanothersixyears，tillmymarriage。DuringthattimeIwentabroad。LifeinEuropeandmyacquaintancewithleadingandlearnedEuropeans[Footnote：RussiansgenerallymakeadistinctionbetweenEuropeansandRussians。——A。M。]confirmedmeyetmoreinthefaithofstrivingafterperfectioninwhichIbelieved，forIfoundthesamefaithamongthem。Thatfaithtookwithmethecommonformitassumeswiththemajorityofeducatedpeopleofourday。Itwasexpressedbytheword"progress"。Itthenappearedtomethatthiswordmeantsomething。Ididnotasyetunderstandthat，beingtormented（likeeveryvitalman）bythequestionhowitisbestformetolive，inmyanswer，"Liveinconformitywithprogress"，Iwaslikeamaninaboatwhowhencarriedalongbywindandwavesshouldreplytowhatforhimisthechiefandonlyquestion。
　　"whithertosteer"，bysaying，"Wearebeingcarriedsomewhere"。
　　Ididnotthennoticethis。Onlyoccasionally——notbyreasonbutbyinstinct——Irevoltedagainstthissuperstitionsocommoninourday，bywhichpeoplehidefromthemselvestheirlackofunderstandingoflife……So，forinstance，duringmystayinParis，thesightofanexecutionrevealedtometheinstabilityofmysuperstitiousbeliefinprogress。WhenIsawtheheadpartfromthebodyandhowtheythumpedseparatelyintothebox，I
　　understood，notwithmymindbutwithmywholebeing，thatnotheoryofthereasonablenessofourpresentprogresscouldjustifythisdeed；andthatthougheverybodyfromthecreationoftheworldhadheldittobenecessary，onwhatevertheory，Iknewittobeunnecessaryandbad；andthereforethearbiterofwhatisgoodandevilisnotwhatpeoplesayanddo，norisitprogress，butitismyheartandI。Anotherinstanceofarealizationthatthesuperstitiousbeliefinprogressisinsufficientasaguidetolife，wasmybrother’sdeath。Wise，good，serious，hefellillwhilestillayoungman，sufferedformorethanayear，anddiedpainfully，notunderstandingwhyhehadlivedandstilllesswhyhehadtodie。Notheoriescouldgiveme，orhim，anyreplytothesequestionsduringhisslowandpainfuldying。Butthesewereonlyrareinstancesofdoubt，andIactuallycontinuedtoliveprofessingafaithonlyinprogress。"EverythingevolvesandI
　　evolvewithit：andwhyitisthatIevolvewithallthingswillbeknownsomeday。"SoIoughttohaveformulatedmyfaithatthattime。
　　OnreturningfromabroadIsettledinthecountryandchancedtooccupymyselfwithpeasantschools。ThisworkwasparticularlytomytastebecauseinitIhadnottofacethefalsitywhichhadbecomeobvioustomeandstaredmeinthefacewhenItriedtoteachpeoplebyliterarymeans。HerealsoIactedinthenameofprogress，butIalreadyregardedprogressitselfcritically。I
　　saidtomyself："Insomeofitsdevelopmentsprogresshasproceededwrongly，andwithprimitivepeasantchildrenonemustdealinaspiritofperfectfreedom，lettingthemchoosewhatpathofprogresstheyplease。"InrealityIwaseverrevolvingroundoneandthesameinsolubleproblem，whichwas：Howtoteachwithoutknowingwhattoteach。InthehigherspheresofliteraryactivityIhadrealizedthatonecouldnotteachwithoutknowingwhat，forIsawthatpeoplealltaughtdifferently，andbyquarrellingamongthemselvesonlysucceededinhidingtheirignorancefromoneanother。Buthere，withpeasantchildren，I
　　thoughttoevadethisdifficultybylettingthemlearnwhattheyliked。ItamusesmenowwhenIrememberhowIshuffledintryingtosatisfymydesiretoteach，whileinthedepthofmysoulIknewverywellthatIcouldnotteachanythingneedfulforIdidnotknowwhatwasneedful。AfterspendingayearatschoolworkIwentabroadasecondtimetodiscoverhowtoteachotherswhilemyselfknowingnothing。
　　AnditseemedtomethatIhadlearntthisaborad，andintheyearofthepeasants’emancipation（1861）IreturnedtoRussiaarmedwithallthiswisdom，andhavingbecomeanArbiter[Footnote：
　　Tokeeppeacebetweenpeasantsandowners。——A。M。]Ibegantoteach，boththeuneducatedpeasantsinschoolsandtheeducatedclassesthroughamagazineIpublished。Thingsappearedtobegoingwell，butIfeltIwasnotquitesoundmentallyandthatmatterscouldnotlongcontinueinthatway。AndIshouldperhapsthenhavecometothestateofdespairIreachedfifteenyearslaterhadtherenotbeenonesideoflifestillunexploredbymewhichpromisedmehappiness：thatwasmymarriage。
　　ForayearIbusiedmyselfwitharbitrationwork，theschools，andthemagazine；andIbecamesowornout——asaresultespeciallyofmymentalconfusion——andsohardwasmystruggleasArbiter，soobscuretheresultsofmyactivityintheschools，sorepulsivemyshufflinginthemagazine（whichalwaysamountedtooneandthesamething：adesiretoteacheverybodyandtohidethefactthatIdidnotknowwhattoteach），thatIfellill，mentallyratherthanphysically，threwupeverything，andwentawaytotheBashkirsinthesteppes，tobreathefreshair，drinkkumys[Footnote：Afermenteddrinkpreparedfrommare’smilk。——A。M。]，andliveamerelyanimallife。
　　ReturningfromthereImarried。Thenewconditionsofhappyfamilylifecompletelydivertedmefromallsearchforthegeneralmeaningoflife。Mywholelifewascentredatthattimeinmyfamily，wifeandchildren，andthereforeincaretoincreaseourmeansoflivelihood。Mystrivingafterself—perfection，forwhichIhadalreadysubstitutedastrivingforperfectioningeneral，i。e。progress，wasnowagainreplacedbytheeffortsimplytosecurethebestpossibleconditionsformyselfandmyfamily。
　　Soanotherfifteenyearspassed。
　　InspiteofthefactthatInowregardedauthorshipasofnoimportance——thetemptationofimmensemonetaryrewardsandapplauseformyinsignificantwork——andIdevotedmyselftoitasameansofimprovingmymaterialpositionandofstiflinginmysoulallquestionsastothemeaningofmyownlifeorlifeingeneral。
　　Iwrote：teachingwhatwasformetheonlytruth，namely，thatoneshouldlivesoastohavethebestforoneselfandone’sfamily。
　　SoIlived；butfiveyearsagosomethingverystrangebegantohappentome。AtfirstIexperiencedmomentsofperplexityandarrestoflife，andthoughIdidnotknowwhattodoorhowtolive；andIfeltlostandbecamedejected。ButthispassedandI
　　wentonlivingasbefore。Thenthesemomentsofperplexitybegantorecuroftenerandoftener，andalwaysinthesameform。Theywerealwaysexpressedbythequestions：Whatisitfor？Whatdoesitleadto？
　　Atfirstitseemedtomethatthesewereaimlessandirrelevantquestions。Ithoughtthatitwasallwellknown，andthatifIshouldeverwishtodealwiththesolutionitwouldnotcostmemucheffort；justatpresentIhadnotimeforit，butwhenIwantedtoIshouldbeabletofindtheanswer。Thequestionshoweverbegantorepeatthemselvesfrequently，andtodemandrepliesmoreandmoreinsistently；andlikedropsofinkalwaysfallingononeplacetheyrantogetherintooneblackblot。
　　Thenoccurredwhathappenstoeveryonesickeningwithamortalinternaldisease。Atfirsttrivialsignsofindispositionappeartowhichthesickmanpaysnoattention；thenthesesignsreappearmoreandmoreoftenandmergeintooneuninterruptedperiodofsuffering。Thesufferingincreases，andbeforethesickmancanlookround，whathetookforamereindispositionhasalreadybecomemoreimportanttohimthananythingelseintheworld——itisdeath!
　　Thatiswhathappenedtome。Iunderstoodthatitwasnocasualindispositionbutsomethingveryimportant，andthatifthesequestionsconstantlyrepeatedthemselvestheywouldhavetobeanswered。AndItriedtoanswerthem。Thequestionsseemedsuchstupid，simple，childishones；butassoonasItouchedthemandtriedtosolvethemIatoncebecameconvinced，first，thattheyarenotchildishandstupidbutthemostimportantandprofoundoflife’squestions；andsecondlythat，occupyingmyselfwithmySamaraestate，theeducationofmyson，orthewritingofabook，Ihadtoknow*why*Iwasdoingit。AslongasIdidnotknowwhy，Icoulddonothingandcouldnotlive。Amidthethoughtsofestatemanagementwhichgreatlyoccupiedmeatthattime，thequestionwouldsuddenlyoccur："Well，youwillhave6，000
　　desyatinas[Footnote：Thedesyatinaisabout2。75acres。——A。M。]oflandinSamaraGovernmentand300horses，andwhatthen？"……AndIwasquitedisconcertedanddidnotknowwhattothink。Orwhenconsideringplansfortheeducationofmychildren，Iwouldsaytomyself："Whatfor？"Orwhenconsideringhowthepeasantsmightbecomeprosperous，Iwouldsuddenlysaytomyself："Butwhatdoesitmattertome？"Orwhenthinkingofthefamemyworkswouldbringme，Iwouldsaytomyself，"Verywell；youwillbemorefamousthanGogolorPushkinorShakespeareorMoliere，orthanallthewritersintheworld——andwhatofit？"AndIcouldfindnoreplyatall。Thequestionswouldnotwait，theyhadtobeansweredatonce，andifIdidnotanswerthemitwasimpossibletolive。Buttherewasnoanswer。
　　IfeltthatwhatIhadbeenstandingonhadcollapsedandthatIhadnothingleftundermyfeet。WhatIhadlivedonnolongerexisted，andtherewasnothingleft。
　　IV
　　Mylifecametoastandstill。Icouldbreathe，eat，drink，andsleep，andIcouldnothelpdoingthesethings；buttherewasnolife，fortherewerenowishesthefulfillmentofwhichIcouldconsiderreasonable。IfIdesiredanything，IknewinadvancethatwhetherIsatisfiedmydesireornot，nothingwouldcomeofit。
　　HadafairycomeandofferedtofulfilmydesiresIshouldnothaveknowwhattoask。IfinmomentsofintoxicationIfeltsomethingwhich，thoughnotawish，wasahabitleftbyformerwishes，insobermomentsIknewthistobeadelusionandthattherewasreallynothingtowishfor。Icouldnotevenwishtoknowthetruth，forIguessedofwhatitconsisted。Thetruthwasthatlifeismeaningless。Ihadasitwerelived，lived，andwalked，walked，tillIhadcometoaprecipiceandsawclearlythattherewasnothingaheadofmebutdestruction。Itwasimpossibletostop，impossibletogoback，andimpossibletoclosemyeyesoravoidseeingthattherewasnothingaheadbutsufferingandrealdeath——
　　completeannihilation。
　　Ithadcometothis，thatI，ahealthy，fortunateman，feltI
　　couldnolongerlive：someirresistiblepowerimpelledmetoridmyselfonewayorotheroflife。IcannotsayI*wished*tokillmyself。Thepowerwhichdrewmeawayfromlifewasstronger，fuller，andmorewidespreadthananymerewish。Itwasaforcesimilartotheformerstrivingtolive，onlyinacontrarydirection。Allmystrengthdrewmeawayfromlife。Thethoughtofself—destructionnowcametomeasnaturallyasthoughtsofhowtoimprovemylifehadcomeformerly。anditwasseductivethatIhadtobecunningwithmyselflestIshouldcarryitouttoohastily。
　　Ididnotwishtohurry，becauseIwantedtousealleffortstodisentanglethematter。"IfIcannotunravelmatters，therewillalwaysbetime。"anditwasthenthatI，amanfavouredbyfortune，hidacordfrommyselflestIshouldhangmyselffromthecrosspieceofthepartitioninmyroomwhereIundressedaloneeveryevening，andIceasedtogooutshootingwithagunlestI
　　shouldbetemptedbysoeasyawayofendingmylife。IdidnotmyselfknowwhatIwanted：Ifearedlife，desiredtoescapefromit，yetstillhopedsomethingofit。
　　AndallthisbefellmeatatimewhenallaroundmeIhadwhatisconsideredcompletegoodfortune。Iwasnotyetfifty；IhadagoodwifewholivedmeandwhomIloved，goodchildren，andalargeestatewhichwithoutmucheffortonmypartimprovedandincreased。
　　Iwasrespectedbymyrelationsandacquaintancesmorethanatanyprevioustime。Iwaspraisedbyothersandwithoutmuchself—
　　deceptioncouldconsiderthatmynamewasfamous。Andfarfrombeinginsaneormentallydiseased，IenjoyedonthecontraryastrengthofmindandbodysuchasIhaveseldommetwithamongmenofmykind；physicallyIcouldkeepupwiththepeasantsatmowing，andmentallyIcouldworkforeightandtenhoursatastretchwithoutexperiencinganyillresultsfromsuchexertion。AndinthissituationIcametothis——thatIcouldnotlive，and，fearingdeath，hadtoemploycunningwithmyselftoavoidtakingmyownlife。
　　Mymentalconditionpresenteditselftomeinthisway：mylifeisastupidandspitefuljokesomeonehasplayedonme。
　　ThoughIdidnotacknowledgea"someone"whocreatedme，yetsuchapresentation——thatsomeonehadplayedanevilandstupidjokeonmybyplacingmeintheworld——wastheformofexpressionthatsuggesteditselfmostnaturallytome。
　　Involuntarilyitappearedtomethatthere，somewhere，wassomeonewhoamusedhimselfbywatchinghowIlivedforthirtyorfortyyears：learning，developing，maturinginbodyandmind，andhow，havingwithmaturedmentalpowersreachedthesummitoflifefromwhichitalllaybeforeme，Istoodonthatsummit——likeanarch—fool——seeingclearlythatthereisnothinginlife，andthattherehasbeenandwillbenothing。And*he*wasamused……
　　Butwhetherthat"someone"laughingatmeexistedornot，I
　　wasnonethebetteroff。Icouldgivenoreasonablemeaningtoanysingleactionortomywholelife。IwasonlysurprisedthatI
　　couldhaveavoidedunderstandingthisfromtheverybeginning——ithasbeensolongknowntoall。Todayortomorrowsicknessanddeathwillcome（theyhadcomealready）tothoseIloveortome；
　　nothingwillremainbutstenchandworms。Soonerorlatermyaffairs，whatevertheymaybe，willbeforgotten，andIshallnotexist。Thenwhygoonmakinganyeffort？……Howcanmanfailtoseethis？Andhowgoonliving？Thatiswhatissurprising!Onecanonlylivewhileoneisintoxicatedwithlife；assoonasoneissoberitisimpossiblenottoseethatitisallamerefraudandastupidfraud!Thatispreciselywhatitis：thereisnothingeitheramusingorwittyaboutit，itissimplycruelandstupid。
　　ThereisanEasternfable，toldlongago，ofatravellerovertakenonaplainbyanenragedbeast。Escapingfromthebeasthegetsintoadrywell，butseesatthebottomofthewelladragonthathasopeneditsjawstoswallowhim。Andtheunfortunateman，notdaringtoclimboutlestheshouldbedestroyedbytheenragedbeast，andnotdaringtoleaptothebottomofthewelllestheshouldbeeatenbythedragon，seizesstwiggrowinginacrackinthewellandclingstoit。Hishandsaregrowingweakerandhefeelshewillsoonhavetoresignhimselftothedestructionthatawaitshimaboveorbelow，butstillheclingson。Thenheseesthattwomice，ablackoneandawhiteone，goregularlyroundandroundthestemofthetwigtowhichheisclingingandgnawatit。Andsoonthetwigitselfwillsnapandhewillfallintothedragon’sjaws。Thetravellerseesthisandknowsthathewillinevitablyperish；butwhilestillhanginghelooksaround，seessomedropsofhoneyontheleavesofthetwig，reachesthemwithhistongueandlicksthem。SoItooclungtothetwigoflife，knowingthatthedragonofdeathwasinevitablyawaitingme，readytotearmetopieces；andIcouldnotunderstandwhyIhadfallenintosuchtorment。Itriedtolickthehoneywhichformerlyconsoledme，butthehoneynolongergavemepleasure，andthewhiteandblackmiceofdayandnightgnawedatthebranchbywhichIhung。Isawthedragonclearlyandthehoneynolongertastedsweet。Ionlysawtheunescapabledragonandthemice，andIcouldnottearmygazefromthem。andthisisnotafablebuttherealunanswerabletruthintelligibletoall。
　　Thedeceptionofthejoysoflifewhichformerlyallayedmyterrorofthedragonnownolongerdeceivedme。NomatterhowoftenImaybetold，"Youcannotunderstandthemeaningoflifesodonotthinkaboutit，butlive，"Icannolongerdoit：Ihavealreadydoneittoolong。Icannotnowhelpseeingdayandnightgoingroundandbringingmetodeath。ThatisallIsee，forthataloneistrue。Allelseisfalse。
　　Thetwodropsofhoneywhichdivertedmyeyesfromthecrueltruthlongerthantherest：myloveoffamily，andofwriting——
　　artasIcalledit——werenolongersweettome。
　　"Family"……saidItomyself。Butmyfamily——wifeandchildren——arealsohuman。TheyareplacedjustasIam：theymusteitherliveinalieorseetheterribletruth。Whyshouldtheylive？WhyshouldIlovethem，guardthem，bringthemup，orwatchthem？ThattheymaycometothedespairthatIfeel，orelsebestupid？Lovingthem，Icannothidethetruthfromthem：eachstepinknowledgeleadsthemtothetruth。Andthetruthisdeath。
　　"Art，poetry？"……Undertheinfluenceofsuccessandthepraiseofmen，Ihadlongassuredmyselfthatthiswasathingonecoulddothoughdeathwasdrawingnear——deathwhichdestroysallthings，includingmyworkanditsremembrance；butsoonIsawthatthattoowasafraud。Itwasplaintomethatartisanadornmentoflife，anallurementtolife。Butlifehadlostitsattractionforme，sohowcouldIattractothers？AslongasIwasnotlivingmyownlifebutwasborneonthewavesofsomeotherlife——aslongasIbelievedthatlifehadameaning，thoughoneIcouldnotexpress——thereflectionoflifeinpoetryandartofallkindsaffordedmepleasure：itwaspleasanttolookatlifeinthemirrorofart。ButwhenIbegantoseekthemeaningoflifeandfeltthenecessityoflivingmyownlife，thatmirrorbecameformeunnecessary，superfluous，ridiculous，orpainful。IcouldnolongersoothemyselfwithwhatInowsawinthemirror，namely，thatmypositionwasstupidanddesperate。ItwasallverywelltoenjoythesightwheninthedepthofmysoulIbelievedthatmylifehadameaning。Thentheplayoflights——comic，tragic，touching，beautiful，andterrible——inlifeamusedme。NosweetnessofhoneycouldbesweettomewhenIsawthedragonandsawthemicegnawingawaymysupport。
　　Norwasthatall。HadIsimplyunderstoodthatlifehadnomeaningIcouldhaveborneitquietly，knowingthatthatwasmylot。ButIcouldnotsatisfymyselfwiththat。HadIbeenlikeamanlivinginawoodfromwhichheknowsthereisnoexit，Icouldhavelived；butIwaslikeonelostinawoodwho，horrifiedathavinglosthisway，rushesaboutwishingtofindtheroad。Heknowsthateachstephetakesconfuseshimmoreandmore，butstillhecannothelprushingabout。
　　Itwasindeedterrible。AndtoridmyselfoftheterrorI
　　wishedtokillmyself。Iexperiencedterroratwhatawaitedme——
　　knewthatthatterrorwasevenworsethanthepositionIwasin，butstillIcouldnotpatientlyawaittheend。Howeverconvincingtheargumentmightbethatinanycasesomevesselinmyheartwouldgiveway，orsomethingwouldburstandallwouldbeover，I
　　couldnotpatientlyawaitthatend。Thehorrorofdarknesswastoogreat，andIwishedtofreemyselffromitasquicklyaspossiblebynooseorbullet。thatwasthefeelingwhichdrewmemoststronglytowardssuicide。
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　　"ButperhapsIhaveoverlookedsomething，ormisunderstoodsomething？"saidtomyselfseveraltimes。"Itcannotbethatthisconditionofdespairisnaturaltoman!"AndIsoughtforanexplanationoftheseproblemsinallthebranchesofknowledgeacquiredbymen。Isoughtpainfullyandlong，notfromidlecuriosityorlistlessly，butpainfullyandpersistentlydayandnight——soughtasaperishingmanseeksforsafety——andIfoundnothing。
　　Isoughtinallthesciences，butfarfromfindingwhatI
　　wanted，becameconvincedthatallwholikemyselfhadsoughtinknowledgeforthemeaningoflifehadfoundnothing。Andnotonlyhadtheyfoundnothing，buttheyhadplainlyacknowledgedthattheverythingwhichmademedespair——namelythesenselessnessoflife——istheoneindubitablethingmancanknow。
　　Isoughteverywhere；andthankstoalifespentinlearning，andthanksalsotomyrelationswiththescholarlyworld，Ihadaccesstoscientistsandscholarsinallbranchesofknowledge，andtheyreadilyshowedmealltheirknowledge，notonlyinbooksbutalsoinconversation，sothatIhadatmydisposalallthatsciencehastosayonthisquestionoflife。
　　Iwaslongunabletobelievethatitgivesnootherreplytolife’squestionsthanthatwhichitactuallydoesgive。Itlongseemedtome，whenIsawtheimportantandseriousairwithwhichscienceannouncesitsconclusionswhichhavenothingincommonwiththerealquestionsofhumanlife，thattherewassomethingIhadnotunderstood。Ilongwastimidbeforescience，anditseemedtomethatthelackofconformitybetweentheanswersandmyquestionsarosenotbythefaultofsciencebutfrommyignorance，butthematterwasformenotagameoranamusementbutoneoflifeanddeath，andIwasinvoluntarilybroughttotheconvictionthatmyquestionsweretheonlylegitimateones，formingthebasisofallknowledge，andthatIwithmyquestionswasnottoblame，butscienceifitpretendstoreplytothosequestions。
　　Myquestion——thatwhichattheageoffiftybroughtmetothevergeofsuicide——wasthesimplestofquestions，lyinginthesoulofeverymanfromthefoolishchildtothewisestelder：itwasaquestionwithoutananswertowhichonecannotlive，asIhadfoundbyexperience。Itwas："WhatwillcomeofwhatIamdoingtodayorshalldotomorrow？Whatwillcomeofmywholelife？"
　　Differentlyexpressed，thequestionis："WhyshouldIlive，whywishforanything，ordoanything？"Itcanalsobeexpressedthus："Isthereanymeaninginmylifethattheinevitabledeathawaitingmedoesnotdestroy？"
　　Tothisonequestion，variouslyexpressed，Isoughtananswerinscience。AndIfoundthatinrelationtothatquestionallhumanknowledgeisdividedasitwereintotowoppositehemispheresattheendsofwhicharetwopoles：theoneanegativeandtheotherapositive；butthatneitherattheonenortheotherpoleisthereananswertolife’squestions。
　　Theoneseriesofsciencesseemsnottorecognizethequestion，butrepliesclearlyandexactlytoitsownindependentquestions：thatistheseriesofexperimentalsciences，andattheextremeendofitstandsmathematics。Theotherseriesofsciencesrecognizesthequestion，butdoesnotanswerit；thatistheseriesofabstractsciences，andattheextremeendofitstandsmetaphysics。
　　FromearlyyouthIhadbeeninterestedintheabstractsciences，butlaterthemathematicalandnaturalsciencesattractedme，anduntilIputmyquestiondefinitelytomyself，untilthatquestionhaditselfgrownupwithinmeurgentlydemandingadecision，Icontentedmyselfwiththosecounterfeitanswerswhichsciencegives。
　　NowintheexperimentalsphereIsaidtomyself："Everythingdevelopsanddifferentiatesitself，movingtowardscomplexityandperfection，andtherearelawsdirectingthismovement。Youareapartofthewhole。Havinglearntasfaraspossiblethewhole，andhavinglearntthelawofevolution，youwillunderstandalsoyourplaceinthewholeandwillknowyourself。"AshamedasIamtoconfessit，therewaatimewhenIseemedsatisfiedwiththat。ItwasjustthetimewhenIwasmyselfbecomingmorecomplexandwasdeveloping。Mymusclesweregrowingandstrengthening，mymemorywasbeingenriched，mycapacitytothinkandunderstandwasincreasing，Iwasgrowinganddeveloping；andfeelingthisgrowthinmyselfitwasnaturalformetothinkthatsuchwastheuniversallawinwhichIshouldfindthesolutionofthequestionofmylife。Butatimecamewhenthegrowthwithinmeceased。I
　　feltthatIwasnotdeveloping，butfading，mymuscleswereweakening，myteethfallingout，andIsawthatthelawnotonlydidnotexplainanythingtome，butthatthereneverhadbeenorcouldbesuchalaw，andthatIhadtakenforalawwhatIhadfoundinmyselfatacertainperiodofmylife。Iregardedthedefinitionofthatlawmorestrictly，anditbecamecleartomethattherecouldbenolawofendlessdevelopment；itbecameclearthattosay，"ininfinitespaceandtimeeverythingdevelops，becomesmoreperfectandmorecomplex，isdifferentiated"，istosaynothingatall。Theseareallwordswithnomeaning，forintheinfinitethereisneithercomplexnorsimple，neitherforwardnorbackward，norbetterorworse。
　　Aboveall，mypersonalquestion，"WhatamIwithmydesires？"
　　remainedquiteunanswered。AndIunderstoodthatthosesciencesareveryinterestingandattractive，butthattheyareexactandclearininverseproportiontotheirapplicabilitytothequestionoflife：thelesstheirapplicabilitytothequestionoflife，themoreexactandcleartheyare，whilethemoretheytrytoreplytothequestionoflife，themoreobscureandunattractivetheybecome。Ifoneturnstothedivisionofscienceswhichattempttoreplytothequestionsoflife——tophysiology，psychology，biology，sociology——oneencountersanappallingpovertyofthought，thegreatestobscurity，aquiteunjustifiablepretensiontosolveirrelevantquestion，andacontinualcontradictionofeachauthoritybyothersandevenbyhimself。Ifoneturnstothebranchesofsciencewhicharenotconcernedwiththesolutionofthequestionsoflife，butwhichreplytotheirownspecialscientificquestions，oneisenrapturedbythepowerofman’smind，butoneknowsinadvancethattheygivenoreplytolife’squestions。Thosesciencessimplyignorelife’squestions。Theysay："Tothequestionofwhatyouareandwhyyoulivewehavenoreply，andarenotoccupiedwiththat；butifyouwanttoknowthelawsoflight，ofchemicalcombinations，thelawsofdevelopmentoforganisms，ifyouwanttoknowthelawsofbodiesandtheirform，andtherelationofnumbersandquantities，ifyouwanttoknowthelawsofyourmind，toallthatwehaveclear，exactandunquestionablereplies。"
　　Ingeneraltherelationoftheexperimentalsciencestolife’squestionmaybeexpressedthus：Question："WhydoIlive？"
　　Answer："Ininfinitespace，ininfinitetime，infinitelysmallparticleschangetheirformsininfinitecomplexity，andwhenyouhaveunderstoodthelawsofthosemutationsofformyouwillunderstandwhyyouliveontheearth。"
　　TheninthesphereofabstractscienceIsaidtomyself："Allhumanitylivesanddevelopsonthebasisofspiritualprinciplesandidealswhichguideit。Thoseidealsareexpressedinreligions，insciences，inarts，informsofgovernment。Thoseidealsbecomemoreandmoreelevated，andhumanityadvancestoitshighestwelfare。Iampartofhumanity，andthereforemyvocationistoforwardtherecognitionandtherealizationoftheidealsofhumanity。"Andatthetimeofmyweak—mindednessIwassatisfiedwiththat；butassoonasthequestionoflifepresenteditselfclearlytome，thosetheoriesimmediatelycrumbledaway。Nottospeakoftheunscrupulousobscuritywithwhichthosesciencesannounceconclusionsformedonthestudyofasmallpartofmankindasgeneralconclusions；nottospeakofthemutualcontradictionsofdifferentadherentsofthisviewastowhataretheidealsofhumanity；thestrangeness，nottosaystupidity，ofthetheoryconsistsinthefactthatinordertoreplytothequestionfacingeachman："WhatamI？"or"WhydoIlive？"or"WhatmustIdo？"
　　onehasfirsttodecidethequestion："Whatisthelifeofthewhole？"（whichistohimunknownandofwhichheisacquaintedwithonetinypartinoneminuteperiodoftime。Tounderstandwhatheis，onemanmustfirstunderstandallthismysterioushumanity，consistingofpeoplesuchashimselfwhodonotunderstandoneanother。
　　IhavetoconfessthattherewasatimewhenIbelievedthis。
　　ItwasthetimewhenIhadmyownfavouriteidealsjustifyingmyowncaprices，andIwastryingtodeviseatheorywhichwouldallowonetoconsidermycapricesasthelawofhumanity。Butassoonasthequestionoflifearoseinmysoulinfullclearnessthatreplyatoncefewtodust。AndIunderstoodthatasintheexperimentalsciencestherearerealsciences，andsemi—scienceswhichtrytogiveanswerstoquestionsbeyondtheircompetence，sointhisspherethereisawholeseriesofmostdiffusedscienceswhichtrytoreplytoirrelevantquestions。Semi—sciencesofthatkind，thejuridicalandthesocial—historical，endeavourtosolvethequestionsofaman’slifebypretendingtodecideeachinitsownway，thequestionofthelifeofallhumanity。
　　Butasinthesphereofman’sexperimentalknowledgeonewhosincerelyinquireshowheistolivecannotbesatisfiedwiththereply——"Studyinendlessspacethemutations，infiniteintimeandincomplexity，ofinnumerableatoms，andthenyouwillunderstandyourlife"——soalsoasinceremancannotbesatisfiedwiththereply："Studythewholelifeofhumanityofwhichwecannotknoweitherthebeginningortheend，ofwhichwedonotevenknowasmallpart，andthenyouwillunderstandyourownlife。"Andliketheexperimentalsemi—sciences，sotheseothersemi—sciencesarethemorefilledwithobscurities，inexactitudes，stupidities，andcontradictions，thefurthertheydivergefromtherealproblems。Theproblemofexperimentalscienceisthesequenceofcauseandeffectinmaterialphenomena。Itisonlynecessaryforexperimentalsciencetointroducethequestionofafinalcauseforittobecomenonsensical。Theproblemofabstractscienceistherecognitionoftheprimordialessenceoflife。Itisonlynecessarytointroducetheinvestigationofconsequentialphenomena（suchassocialandhistoricalphenomena）anditalsobecomesnonsensical。
　　Experimentalscienceonlythengivespositiveknowledgeanddisplaysthegreatnessofthehumanmindwhenitdoesnotintroduceintoitsinvestigationsthequestionofanultimatecause。And，onthecontrary，abstractscienceisonlythenscienceanddisplaysthegreatnessofthehumanmindwhenitputsquiteasidequestionsrelatingtotheconsequentialcausesofphenomenaandregardsmansolelyinrelationtoanultimatecause。Suchinthisrealmofscience——formingthepoleofthesphere——ismetaphysicsorphilosophy。Thatsciencestatesthequestionclearly："WhatamI，andwhatistheuniverse？AndwhydoIexist，andwhydoestheuniverseexist？"Andsinceithasexistedithasalwaysrepliedinthesameway。Whetherthephilosophercallstheessenceoflifeexistingwithinme，andinallthatexists，bythenameof"idea"，or"substance"，or"spirit"，or"will"，hesaysoneandthesamething：thatthisessenceexistsandthatIamofthatsameessence；butwhyitishedoesnotknow，anddoesnotsay，ifheisanexactthinker。Iask："Whyshouldthisessenceexist？Whatresultsfromthefactthatitisandwillbe？"……Andphilosophynotmerelydoesnotreply，butisitselfonlyaskingthatquestion。
　　Andifitisrealphilosophyallitslabourliesmerelyintryingtoputthatquestionclearly。Andifitkeepsfirmlytoitstaskitcannotreplytothequestionotherwisethanthus："WhatamI，andwhatistheuniverse？""Allandnothing"；andtothequestion"Why？"by"Idonotknow"。
　　SothathoweverImayturntheserepliesofphilosophy，Icanneverobtainanythinglikeananswer——andnotbecause，asintheclearexperimentalsphere，thereplydoesnotrelatetomyquestion，butbecausehere，thoughallthementalworkisdirectedjusttomyquestion，thereisnoanswer，butinsteadofanansweronegetsthesamequestion，onlyinacomplexform。
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　　Inmysearchforanswerstolife’squestionsIexperiencedjustwhatisfeltbyamanlostinaforest。