首页 >出版文学> Jude the Obscure>第49章

第49章

  `Well,’saidJude,`perhapsitisforthebestthatwehavealmostdecidedtomoveon。Ifeelmuchbetterto-day,andshallbewellenoughtoleaveinaweekortwo。ThenMrs。Edlincangohomeagain-dearfaithfuloldsoul-theonlyfriendwehaveintheworld!’
  `Wheredoyouthinktogoto?’Sueasked,atroublousnessinhertones。
  ThenJudeconfessedwhatwasinhismind。Hesaiditwouldsurpriseher,perhaps,afterhishavingresolutelyavoidedalltheoldplacesforsolong。ButonethingandanotherhadmadehimthinkagreatdealofChristminsterlately,and,ifshedidn’tmind,hewouldliketogobackthere。Whyshouldtheycareiftheywereknown?Itwasoversensitiveofthemtomindsomuch。
  Theycouldgoonsellingcakesthere,forthatmatter,ifhecouldn’twork。
  Hehadnosenseofshameatmerepoverty;andperhapshewouldbeasstrongaseversoon,andabletosetupstone-cuttingforhimselfthere。
  `WhyshouldyoucaresomuchforChristminster?’shesaidpensively。
  `Christminstercaresnothingforyou,poordear!’
  `Well,Ido,Ican’thelpit。Ilovetheplace-althoughIknowhowithatesallmenlikeme-theso-calledself-taught,-howitscornsourlabouredacquisitions,whenitshouldbethefirsttorespectthem;
  howitsneersatourfalsequantitiesandmispronunciations,whenitshouldsay,Iseeyouwanthelp,mypoorfriend!……Nevertheless,itisthecentreoftheuniversetome,becauseofmyearlydream:andnothingcanalterit。Perhapsitwillsoonwakeup,andbegenerous。Iprayso!……Ishouldliketogobacktolivethere-perhapstodiethere!IntwoorthreeweeksImight,Ithink。ItwillthenbeJune,andIshouldliketobetherebyaparticularday。’
  Hishopethathewasrecoveringprovedsofarwellgroundedthatinthreeweekstheyhadarrivedinthecityofmanymemories;wereactuallytreadingitspavements,receivingthereflectionofthesunshinefromitswastingwalls。
  JudetheObscureChapter43PartSixthAtChristminsterAgain`……Andshehumbledherbodygreatly,andalltheplacesofherjoyshefilledwithhertornhair。’-EstherApoc。。
  `Therearetwowhodecline,awomanandI,Andenjoyourdeathinthedarknesshere。’-R。Browning。VI-iOntheirarrivalthestationwaslivelywithstraw-hattedyoungmen,welcomingyounggirlswhoborearemarkablefamilylikenesstotheirwelcomers,andwhoweredressedupinthebrightestandlightestofraiment。
  `Theplaceseemsgay,’saidSue。`Why-itisRemembranceDay!-
  Jude-howslyofyou-youcameto-dayonpurpose!’
  `Yes,’saidJudequietly,ashetookchargeofthesmallchild,andtoldArabella’sboytokeepclosetothem,Sueattendingtotheirowneldest。`Ithoughtwemightaswellcometo-dayasonanyother。’
  `ButIamafraiditwilldepressyou!’shesaid,lookinganxiouslyathimupanddown。
  `Oh,Imustn’tletitinterferewithourbusiness;andwehaveagooddealtodobeforeweshallbesettledhere。Thefirstthingislodgings。’
  Havinglefttheirluggageandhistoolsatthestationtheyproceededonfootupthefamiliarstreet,theholidaypeoplealldriftinginthesamedirection。ReachingtheFourwaystheywereabouttoturnofftowhereaccommodationwaslikelytobefoundwhen,lookingattheclockandthehurryingcrowd,Judesaid:`Letusgoandseetheprocession,andnevermindthelodgingsjustnow?Wecangetthemafterwards。’
  `Oughtn’twetogetahouseoverourheadsfirst?’sheasked。
  Buthissoulseemedfulloftheanniversary,andtogethertheywentdownChiefStreet,theirsmallestchildinJude’sarms,Sueleadingherlittlegirl,andArabella’sboywalkingthoughtfullyandsilentlybesidethem。Crowdsofprettysistersinairycostumes,andmeeklyignorantparentswhohadknownnocollegeintheiryouth,wereunderconvoyinthesamedirectionbybrothersandsonsbearingtheopinionwrittenlargeonthemthatnoproperlyqualifiedhumanbeingshadlivedonearthtilltheycametograceithereandnow。
  `Myfailureisreflectedonmebyeveryoneofthoseyoungfellows,’
  saidJude。`Alessononpresumptionisawaitingmeto-day!-HumiliationDayforme!……Ifyou,mydeardarling,hadn’tcometomyrescue,Ishouldhavegonetothedogswithdespair!’
  Shesawfromhisfacethathewasgettingintooneofhistempestuous,self-harrowingmoods。`Itwouldhavebeenbetterifwehadgoneatonceaboutourownaffairs,dear,’sheanswered。`Iamsurethissightwillawakenoldsorrowsinyou,anddonogood!’
  `Well-wearenear;wewillseeitnow,’saidhe。
  TheyturnedinontheleftbythechurchwiththeItalianporch,whosehelicalcolumnswereheavilydrapedwithcreepers,andpursuedthelanetilltherearoseonJude’ssightthecirculartheatrewiththatwell-knownlanternaboveit,whichstoodinhismindasthesadsymbolofhisabandonedhopes,foritwasfromthatoutlookthathehadfinallysurveyedtheCityofCollegesontheafternoonofhisgreatmeditation,whichconvincedhimatlastofthefutilityofhisattempttobeasonoftheuniversity。
  To-day,intheopenspacestretchingbetweenthisbuildingandthenearestcollege,stoodacrowdofexpectantpeople。Apassagewaskeptclearthroughtheirmidstbytwobarriersoftimber,extendingfromthedoorofthecollegetothedoorofthelargebuildingbetweenitandthetheatre。
  `Hereistheplace-theyarejustgoingtopass!’criedJudeinsuddenexcitement。Andpushinghiswaytothefronthetookupapositionclosetothebarrier,stillhuggingtheyoungestchildinhisarms,whileSueandtheotherskeptimmediatelybehindhim。Thecrowdfilledinattheirback,andfelltotalking,joking,andlaughingascarriageaftercarriagedrewupatthelowerdoorofthecollege,andsolemnstatelyfiguresinblood-redrobesbegantoalight。Theskyhadgrownovercastandlivid,andthunderrumblednowandthen。
  FatherTimeshuddered。`ItdoseemliketheJudgmentDay!’hewhispered。
  `Theyareonlylearneddoctors,’saidSue。
  Whiletheywaitedbigdropsofrainfellontheirheadsandshoulders,andthedelaygrewtedious。Sueagainwishednottostay。
  `Theywon’tbelongnow,’saidJude,withoutturninghishead。
  Buttheprocessiondidnotcomeforth,andsomebodyinthecrowd,topassthetime,lookedatthefacadeofthenearestcollege,andsaidhewonderedwhatwasmeantbytheLatininscriptioninitsmidst。Jude,whostoodneartheinquirer,explainedit,andfindingthatthepeopleallroundhimwerelisteningwithinterest,wentontodescribethecarvingofthefriezewhichhehadstudiedyearsbefore,andtocriticizesomedetailsofmasonryinothercollegefrontsaboutthecity。
  Theidlecrowd,includingthetwopolicemenatthedoors,staredliketheLycaoniansatPaul,forJudewasapttogettooenthusiasticoveranysubjectinhand,andtheyseemedtowonderhowthestrangershouldknowmoreaboutthebuildingsoftheirtownthantheythemselvesdid;tilloneofthemsaid:`Why,Iknowthatman;heusedtoworkhereyearsago-JudeFawley,that’shisname!Don’tyoumindheusedtobenicknamedTutorofSt。Slums,d’yemind?-becauseheaimedatthatlineo’business?
  He’smarried,Isuppose,then,andthat’shischildhe’scarrying。Taylorwouldknowhim,asheknowseverybody。’
  ThespeakerwasamannamedJackStagg,withwhomJudehadformerlyworkedinrepairingthecollegemasonries;TinkerTaylorwasseentobestandingnear。HavinghisattentioncalledthelattercriedacrossthebarrierstoJude:`You’vehonouredusbycomingbackagain,myfriend!’
  `An’youdon’tseemtohavedoneanygreatthingsforyourselfbygoingaway?’
  Judeassentedtothisalso。
  `Exceptfoundmoremouthstofill!’Thiscameinanewvoice,andJuderecognizeditsownertobeUncleJoe,anothermasonwhomhehadknown。
  Juderepliedgood-humouredlythathecouldnotdisputeit;andfromremarktoremarksomethinglikeageneralconversationarosebetweenhimandthecrowdofidlers,duringwhichTinkerTayloraskedJudeifherememberedtheApostles’CreedinLatinstill,andthenightofthechallengeinthepublichouse。
  `ButFortunedidn’tliethatway?’threwinJoe。`Yerpowerswasn’tenoughtocarry’eethrough?’
  `Don’tanswerthemanymore!’entreatedSue。
  `Idon’tthinkIlikeChristminster!’murmuredlittleTimemournfully,ashestoodsubmergedandinvisibleinthecrowd。
  Butfindinghimselfthecentreofcuriosity,quizzing,andcomment,Judewasnotinclinedtoshrinkfromopendeclarationsofwhathehadnogreatreasontobeashamedof;andinalittlewhilewasstimulatedtosayinaloudvoicetothelisteningthronggenerally:
  `Itisadifficultquestion,myfriends,foranyyoungman-thatquestionIhadtograpplewith,andwhichthousandsareweighingatthepresentmomentintheseuprisingtimes-whethertofollowuncriticallythetrackhefindshimselfin,withoutconsideringhisaptnessforit,ortoconsiderwhathisaptnessorbentmaybe,andre-shapehiscourseaccordingly。Itriedtodothelatter,andIfailed。ButIdon’tadmitthatmyfailureprovedmyviewtobeawrongone,orthatmysuccesswouldhavemadeitarightone;thoughthat’showweappraisesuchattemptsnowadays-Imean,notbytheiressentialsoundness,butbytheiraccidentaloutcomes。
  IfIhadendedbybecominglikeoneofthesegentlemeninredandblackthatwesawdroppinginherebynow,everybodywouldhavesaid:`Seehowwisethatyoungmanwas,tofollowthebentofhisnature!’ButhavingendednobetterthanIbegantheysay:`Seewhatafoolthatfellowwasinfollowingafreakofhisfancy!’
  `Howeveritwasmypovertyandnotmywillthatconsentedtobebeaten。IttakestwoorthreegenerationstodowhatItriedtodoinone;
  andmyimpulses-affections-vicesperhapstheyshouldbecalled-weretoostrongnottohamperamanwithoutadvantages;whoshouldbeascold-bloodedasafishandasselfishasapigtohaveareallygoodchanceofbeingoneofhiscountry’sworthies。Youmayridiculeme-Iamquitewillingthatyoushould-Iamafitsubject,nodoubt。ButIthinkifyouknewwhatIhavegonethroughtheselastfewyearsyouwouldratherpityme。
  Andiftheyknew’-henoddedtowardsthecollegeatwhichthedonswereseverallyarriving-`itisjustpossibletheywoulddothesame。’
  `Hedolookillandworn-out,itistrue!’saidawoman。
  Sue’sfacegrewmoreemotional;butthoughshestoodclosetoJudeshewasscreened。
  `ImaydosomegoodbeforeIamdead-beasortofsuccessasafrightfulexampleofwhatnottodo;andsoillustrateamoralstory,’
  continuedJude,beginningtogrowbitter,thoughhehadopenedserenelyenough。`Iwas,perhaps,afterall,apaltryvictimtothespiritofmentalandsocialrestlessnessthatmakessomanyunhappyinthesedays!’
  `Don’ttellthemthat!’whisperedSuewithtears,atperceivingJude’sstateofmind。`Youweren’tthat。Youstrugglednoblytoacquireknowledge,andonlythemeanestsoulsintheworldwouldblameyou!’
  Judeshiftedthechildintoamoreeasypositiononhisarm,andconcluded:`AndwhatIappear,asickandpoorman,isnottheworstofme。Iaminachaosofprinciples-gropinginthedark-actingbyinstinctandnotafterexample。EightornineyearsagowhenIcameherefirst,Ihadaneatstockoffixedopinions,buttheydroppedawayonebyone;
  andthefurtherIgetthelesssureIam。IdoubtifIhaveanythingmoreformypresentruleoflifethanfollowinginclinationswhichdomeandnobodyelseanyharm,andactuallygivepleasuretothoseIlovebest。
  There,gentlemen,sinceyouwantedtoknowhowIwasgettingon,Ihavetoldyou。Muchgoodmayitdoyou!Icannotexplainfurtherhere。Iperceivethereissomethingwrongsomewhereinoursocialformulas:whatitiscanonlybediscoveredbymenorwomenwithgreaterinsightthanmine-if,indeed,theyeverdiscoverit-atleastinourtime。`Forwhoknowethwhatisgoodformaninthislife?-andwhocantellamanwhatshallbeafterhimunderthesun?’’
  `Hear,hear,’saidthepopulace。
  `Wellpreached!’saidTinkerTaylor。Andprivatelytohisneighbours:
  `Why,oneofthemjobbingpa’sonsswarmingabouthere,thattakestheserviceswhenourheadreverendswantaholiday,wouldn’tha’discoursedsuchdoctrineforlessthanaguineadown?Hey?I’lltakemyoathnotoneo’’emwould!
  Andthenhemusthavehaditwrotedownfor’n。Andthisonlyaworking-man!’
  AsasortofobjectivecommentaryonJude’sremarkstheredroveupatthismomentwithabelateddoctor,robedandpanting,acabwhosehorsefailedtostopattheexactpointrequiredforsettingdownthehirer,whojumpedoutandenteredthedoor。Thedriver,alighting,begantokicktheanimalinthebelly。
  `Ifthatcanbedone,’saidJude,`atcollegegatesinthemostreligiousandeducationalcityintheworld,whatshallwesayastohowfarwe’vegot?’
  `Order!’saidoneofthepolicemen,whohadbeenengagedwithacomradeinopeningthelargedoorsoppositethecollege。`Keepyertonguequiet,myman,whiletheprocessionpasses。’Theraincameonmoreheavily,andallwhohadumbrellasopenedthem。Judewasnotoneofthese,andSueonlypossessedasmallone,halfsunshade。Shehadgrownpale,thoughJudedidnotnoticeitthen。