首页 >出版文学> Jude the Obscure>第30章

第30章

  ItwastothisbreezyandwhimsicalspotthatJudeascendedfromtheneareststationforthefirsttimeinhislifeaboutfouro’clockoneafternoon,andenteringonthesummitofthepeakafteratoilsomeclimb,passedthefirsthousesoftheaerialtown;anddrewtowardstheschool-house。
  Thehourwastooearly;thepupilswerestillinschool,hummingsmall,likeaswarmofgnats;andhewithdrewafewstepsalongAbbeyWalk,whenceheregardedthespotwhichfatehadmadethehomeofallhelovedbestintheworld。Infrontoftheschools,whichwereextensiveandstone-built,grewtwoenormousbeecheswithsmoothmouse-colouredtrunks,assuchtreeswillonlygrowonchalkuplands。Withinthemullionedandtransomedwindowshecouldseetheblack,brown,andflaxencrownsofthescholarsoverthesills,andtopassthetimeawayhewalkeddowntothelevelterracewheretheabbeygardensoncehadspread,hisheartthrobbinginspiteofhim。
  Unwillingtoentertillthechildrenweredismissedheremainedheretillyoungvoicescouldbeheardintheopenair,andgirlsinwhitepinaforesoverredandbluefrocksappeareddancingalongthepathswhichtheabbess,prioress,subprioress,andfiftynunshaddemurelypacedthreecenturiesearlier。Retracinghisstepshefoundthathehadwaitedtoolong,andthatSuehadgoneoutintothetownattheheelsofthelastscholar,Mr。Phillotsonhavingbeenabsentalltheafternoonatateachers’
  meetingatShottsford。
  Judewentintotheemptyschoolroomandsatdown,thegirlwhowassweepingthefloorhavinginformedhimthatMrs。Phillotsonwouldbebackagaininafewminutes。Apianostoodnear-actuallytheoldpianothatPhillotsonhadpossessedatMarygreen-andthoughthedarkafternoonalmostpreventedhimseeingthenotesJudetouchedtheminhishumbleway,andcouldnothelpmodulatingintothehymnwhichhadsoaffectedhiminthepreviousweek。
  Afiguremovedbehindhim,andthinkingitwasstillthegirlwiththebroomJudetooknonotice,tillthepersoncamecloseandlaidherfingerslightlyuponhisbasshand。Theimposedhandwasalittleoneheseemedtoknow,andheturned。
  `Don’tstop,’saidSue。`Ilikeit。IlearntitbeforeIleftMelchester。Theyusedtoplayitinthetrainingschool。’
  `Ican’tstrumbeforeyou!Playitforme。’
  `Ohwell-Idon’tmind。’
  Suesatdown,andherrenderingofthepiece,thoughnotremarkable,seemeddivineascomparedwithhisown。She,likehim,wasevidentlytouched-toherownsurprise-bytherecalledair;andwhenshehadfinished,andhemovedhishandtowardshers,itmethisownhalf-way。Judegraspedit-justashehaddonebeforehermarriage。
  `Itisodd,’shesaid,inavoicequitechanged,`thatIshouldcareaboutthatair;because——’
  `Becausewhat?’
  `Iamnotthatsort-quite。’
  `Noteasilymoved?’
  `Ididn’tquitemeanthat。’
  `Oh,butyouareoneofthatsort,foryouarejustlikemeatheart!’
  `Butnotathead。’
  Sheplayedonandsuddenlyturnedround;andbyanunpremeditatedinstincteachclaspedtheother’shandagain。
  Sheutteredaforcedlittlelaughassherelinquishedhisquickly。
  `Howfunny!’shesaid。`Iwonderwhatwebothdidthatfor?’
  `Isupposebecausewearebothalike,asIsaidbefore。’
  `Notinourthoughts!Perhapsalittleinourfeelings。’
  `Andtheyrulethoughts……Isn’titenoughtomakeoneblasphemethatthecomposerofthathymnisoneofthemostcommonplacemenIevermet!’
  `What-youknowhim?’
  `Iwenttoseehim。’
  `Oh,yougoose-todojustwhatIshouldhavedone!Whydidyou?’
  `Becausewearenotalike,’hesaiddrily。
  `Nowwe’llhavesometea,’saidSue。`Shallwehaveithereinsteadofinmyhouse?Itisnotroubletogetthekettleandthingsbroughtin。
  Wedon’tliveattheschoolyouknow,butinthatancientdwellingacrossthewaycalledOld-GrovePlace。Itissoantiqueanddismalthatitdepressesmedreadfully。Suchhousesareverywelltovisit,butnottolivein-
  Ifeelcrushedintotheearthbytheweightofsomanypreviouslivestherespent。Inanewplaceliketheseschoolsthereisonlyyourownlifetosupport。Sitdown,andI’lltellAdatobringthetea-thingsacross。’
  Hewaitedinthelightofthestove,thedoorofwhichsheflungopenbeforegoingout,andwhenshereturned,followedbythemaidenwithtea,theysatdownbythesamelight,assistedbytheblueraysofaspirit-lampunderthebrasskettleonthestand。
  `Thisisoneofyourwedding-presentstome,’shesaid,signifyingthelatter。
  `Yes,’saidJude。
  Thekettleofhisgiftsangwithsomesatireinitsnote,tohismind;andtochangethesubjecthesaid,`DoyouknowofanygoodreadableeditionoftheuncanonicalbooksoftheNewTestament?Youdon’treadthemintheschoolIsuppose?’
  `Ohdearno!-’twouldalarmtheneighbourhood……Yes,thereisone。Iamnotfamiliarwithitnow,thoughIwasinterestedinitwhenmyformerfriendwasalive。Cowper’sApocryphalGospels。’
  `ThatsoundslikewhatIwant。’Histhoughts,howeverrevertedwithatwingetothe`formerfriend’-bywhomshemeant,asheknew,theuniversitycomradeofherearlierdays。HewonderedifshetalkedofhimtoPhillotson。
  `TheGospelofNicodemusisverynice,’shewentontokeephimfromhisjealousthoughts,whichshereadclearly,asshealwaysdid。Indeedwhentheytalkedonanindifferentsubject,asnow,therewaseverasecondsilentconversationpassingbetweentheiremotions,soperfectwasthereciprocitybetweenthem。`Itisquitelikethegenuinearticle。Allcutupintoverses,too;sothatitislikeoneoftheotherevangelistsreadinadream,whenthingsarethesame,yetnotthesame。But,Jude,doyoutakeaninterestinthosequestionsstill?AreyougettingupApologetica?’
  `Yes。IamreadingDivinityharderthanever。’
  Sheregardedhimcuriously。
  `Whydoyoulookatmelikethat?’saidJude。
  `Oh-whydoyouwanttoknow?’
  `IamsureyoucantellmeanythingImaybeignorantofinthatsubject。Youmusthavelearntalotofeverythingfromyourdeardeadfriend!’
  `Wewon’tgetontothatnow!’shecoaxed。`Willyoubecarvingoutatthatchurchagainnextweek,whereyoulearnttheprettyhymn?’
  `Yes,perhaps。’
  `Thatwillbeverynice。ShallIcomeandseeyouthere?Itisinthisdirection,andIcouldcomeanyafternoonbytrainforhalfanhour?’
  `No。Don’tcome!’
  `What-aren’twegoingtobefriends,then,anylonger,asweusedtobe?’
  `No。’
  `Ididn’tknowthat。Ithoughtyouwerealwaysgoingtobekindtome!’
  `No,Iamnot。’
  `WhathaveIdone,then?IamsureIthoughtwetwo——’Thetremoloinhervoicecausedhertobreakoff。
  `Sue,Isometimesthinkyouareaflirt,’saidheabruptly。
  Therewasamomentarypause,tillshesuddenlyjumpedup;andtohissurprisehesawbythekettle-flamethatherfacewasflushed。
  `Ican’ttalktoyouanylonger,Jude!’shesaid,thetragiccontraltonotehavingcomebackasofold。`Itisgettingtoodarktostaytogetherlikethis,afterplayingmorbidGoodFridaytunesthatmakeonefeelwhatoneshouldn’t!……Wemustn’tsitandtalkinthiswayanymore。Yes-
  youmustgoaway,foryoumistakeme!Iamverymuchthereverseofwhatyousaysocruelly-Oh,Jude,itwascrueltosaythat!YetIcan’ttellyouthetruth-IshouldshockyoubylettingyouknowhowIgivewaytomyimpulses,andhowmuchIfeelthatIshouldn’thavebeenprovidedwithattractivenessunlessitweremeanttobeexercised!Somewomen’sloveofbeinglovedisinsatiable;andso,often,istheirloveofloving;
  andinthelastcasetheymayfindthattheycan’tgiveitcontinuouslytothechamber-officerappointedbythebishop’slicencetoreceiveit。
  Butyouaresostraightforward,Jude,thatyoucan’tunderstandme!……
  Nowyoumustgo。Iamsorrymyhusbandisnotathome。’
  `Areyou?’
  `IperceiveIhavesaidthatinmereconvention!HonestlyIdon’tthinkIamsorry。Itdoesnotmatter,eitherway,sadtosay!’
  Astheyhadoverdonethegraspofhandssometimesooner,shetouchedhisfingersbutlightlywhenhewentoutnow。Hehadhardlygonefromthedoorwhen,withadissatisfiedlook,shejumpedonaformandopenedtheironcasementofawindowbeneathwhichhewaspassinginthepathwithout。`Whendoyouleaveheretocatchyourtrain,Jude?’sheasked。
  Helookedupinsomesurprise。`Thecoachthatrunstomeetitgoesinthree-quartersofanhourorso。’
  `Whatwillyoudowithyourselfforthetime?’
  `Oh-wanderabout,Isuppose。PerhapsIshallgoandsitintheoldchurch。’
  `Itdoesseemhardofmetopackyouoffso!Youhavethoughtenoughofchurches,Heavenknows,withoutgoingintooneinthedark。Staythere。’
  `Where?’
  `Whereyouare。Icantalktoyoubetterlikethisthanwhenyouwereinside……Itwassokindandtenderofyoutogiveuphalfaday’sworktocometoseeme!……YouareJosephthedreamerofdreams,dearJude。AndatragicDonQuixote。AndsometimesyouareSt。Stephen,who,whiletheywerestoninghim,couldseeHeavenopened。Oh,mypoorfriendandcomrade,you’llsufferyet!’
  Nowthatthehighwindow-sillwasbetweenthem,sothathecouldnotgetather,sheseemednottomindindulginginafranknessshehadfearedatclosequarters。
  `Ihavebeenthinking,’shecontinued,stillinthetoneofonebrimfuloffeeling,`thatthesocialmouldscivilizationfitsusintohavenomorerelationtoouractualshapesthantheconventionalshapesoftheconstellationshavetotherealstar-patterns。IamcalledMrs。RichardPhillotson,livingacalmweddedlifewithmycounterpartofthatname。
  ButIamnotreallyMrs。RichardPhillotson,butawomantossedabout,allalone,withaberrantpassions,andunaccountableantipathies……Nowyoumustn’twaitlonger,oryouwilllosethecoach。Comeandseemeagain。
  Youmustcometothehousethen。’
  `Yes!’saidJude。`Whenshallitbe?’
  `To-morrowweek。Good-bye-good-bye!’Shestretchedoutherhandandstrokedhisforeheadpitifully-justonce。Judesaidgood-bye,andwentawayintothedarkness。
  PassingalongBimportStreethethoughtheheardthewheelsofthecoachdeparting,and,trulyenough,whenhereachedtheDuke’sArmsintheMarketPlacethecoachhadgone。Itwasimpossibleforhimtogettothestationonfootintimeforthistrain,andhesettledhimselfperforcetowaitforthenext-thelasttoMelchesterthatnight。