首页 >出版文学> Lavengro>第94章

第94章

  Duringmysojourninthedingle,myfoodhadbeenofthesimplestandmostunsatisfyingdescription,bynomeanscalculatedtosupporttheexertionwhichthelabourIhadbeenengageduponrequired;ithadconsistedofcoarseoatencakesandhardcheese,andforbeverageIhadbeenindebtedtoaneighbouringpit,inwhich,intheheatoftheday,Ifrequentlysaw,notgoldenorsilverfish,butfrogsandeftesswimmingabout。Iam,however,inclinedtobelievethatMrs。Herne’scakehadquiteasmuchtodowiththematterasinsufficientnourishment。Ihadneverentirelyrecoveredfromtheeffectsofitspoison,buthadoccasionally,especiallyatnight,beenvisitedbyagrindingpaininthestomach,andmywholebodyhadbeensuffusedwithcoldsweat;andindeedthesememorialsofthedrowhaveneverentirelydisappeared-evenatthepresenttimetheydisplaythemselvesinmysystem,especiallyaftermuchfatigueofbodyandexcitementofmind。SothereIsatinthedingleuponmystone,nervelessandhopeless,bywhatevercauseorcausesthatstatehadbeenproduced-thereIsatwithmyheadleaninguponmyhand,andsoIcontinuedalong,longtime。AtlastIliftedmyheadfrommyhand,andbegantocastanxious,unquietlooksaboutthedingle-theentirehollowwasnowenvelopedindeepshade-Icastmyeyesup;therewasagoldengleamonthetopsofthetreeswhichgrewtowardstheupperpartsofthedingle;butlowerdownallwasgloomandtwilight-yet,whenIfirstsatdownonmystone,thesunwasrightabovethedingle,illuminatingallitsdepthsbytherayswhichitcastperpendicularlydown-soImusthavesatalong,longtimeuponmystone。Andnow,oncemore,Irestedmyheaduponmyhand,butalmostinstantlylifteditagaininakindoffear,andbeganlookingattheobjectsbeforeme-theforge,thetools,thebranchesofthetrees,endeavouringtofollowtheirrows,tilltheywerelostinthedarknessofthedingle;andnowIfoundmyrighthandgraspingconvulsivelythethreefore-fingersoftheleft,firstcollectively,andthensuccessively,wringingthemtillthejointscracked;thenIbecamequiet,butnotforlong。
  SuddenlyIstartedup,andcouldscarcelyrepresstheshriekwhichwasrisingtomylips。Wasitpossible?Yes,alltoocertain;theevilonewasuponme;theinscrutablehorrorwhichIhadfeltinmyboyhoodhadoncemoretakenpossessionofme。Ihadthoughtthatithadforsakenme-thatitwouldnevervisitmeagain;thatIhadoutgrownit;thatImightalmostbiddefiancetoit;andIhadevenbeguntothinkofitwithouthorror,asweareinthehabitofdoingofhorrorsofwhichweconceivewerunnodanger;andlo!
  whenleastthoughtof,ithadseizedmeagain。EverymomentIfeltitgatheringforce,andmakingmemorewhollyitsown。WhatshouldIdo?-resist,ofcourse;andIdidresist。Igrasped,Itore,andstrovetoflingitfromme;butofwhatavailweremyefforts?
  Icouldonlyhavegotridofitbygettingridofmyself:itwasapartofmyself,orratheritwasallmyself。Irushedamongstthetrees,andstruckatthemwithmybarefists,anddashedmyheadagainstthem,butIfeltnopain。HowcouldIfeelpainwiththathorroruponme?AndthenIflungmyselfontheground,gnawedtheearth,andswallowedit;andthenIlookedround;itwasalmosttotaldarknessinthedingle,andthedarknessaddedtomyhorror。
  Icouldnolongerstaythere;upIrosefromtheground,andattemptedtoescape。AtthebottomofthewindingpathwhichleduptheacclivityIfelloversomethingwhichwaslyingontheground;thesomethingmoved,andgaveakindofwhine。Itwasmylittlehorse,whichhadmadethatplaceitslair;mylittlehorse;
  myonlycompanionandfriendinthatnowawfulsolitude。Ireachedthemouthofthedingle;thesunwasjustsinkinginthefarwestbehindme,thefieldswerefloodedwithhislastgleams。Howbeautifuleverythinglookedinthelastgleamsofthesun!Ifeltrelievedforamoment;Iwasnolongerinthehorriddingle。Inanotherminutethesunwasgone,andabigcloudoccupiedtheplacewherehehadbeen:inalittletimeitwasalmostasdarkasithadpreviouslybeenintheopenpartofthedingle。Myhorrorincreased;whatwasItodo?-itwasofnousefightingagainstthehorror-thatIsaw;themoreIfoughtagainstit,thestrongeritbecame。WhatshouldIdo:saymyprayers?Ah!whynot?SoI
  kneltdownunderthehedge,andsaid,’OurFather’;butthatwasofnouse;andnowIcouldnolongerrepresscries-thehorrorwastoogreattobeborne。WhatshouldIdo?runtothenearesttownorvillage,andrequesttheassistanceofmyfellow-men?No!thatIwasashamedtodo;notwithstandingthehorrorwasuponme,Iwasashamedtodothat。Iknewtheywouldconsidermeamaniac,ifI
  wentscreamingamongstthem;andIdidnotwishtobeconsideredamaniac。Moreover,IknewthatIwasnotamaniac,forIpossessedallmyreasoningpowers,onlythehorrorwasuponme-thescreaminghorror!Buthowwereindifferentpeopletodistinguishbetweenmadnessandthescreaminghorror?SoIthoughtandreasoned;andatlastIdeterminednottogoamongstmyfellow-men,whatevertheresultmightbe。Iwenttothemouthofthedingle,andthere,placingmyselfonmyknees,IagainsaidtheLord’sPrayer;butitwasofnouse-prayingseemedtohavenoeffectoverthehorror;theunutterablefearappearedrathertoincreasethandiminish,andIagainutteredwildcries,soloudthatIwasapprehensivetheywouldbeheardbysomechancepassengerontheneighbouringroad;Ithereforewentdeeperintothedingle。Isatdownwithmybackagainstathornbush;thethornsenteredmyflesh,andwhenIfeltthem,Ipressedharderagainstthebush;I
  thoughtthepainofthefleshmightinsomedegreecounteractthementalagony;presentlyIfeltthemnolonger-thepowerofthementalhorrorwassogreatthatitwasimpossible,withthatuponme,tofeelanypainfromthethorns。Icontinuedinthisposturealongtime,undergoingwhatIcannotdescribe,andwouldnotattemptifIwereable。SeveraltimesIwasonthepointofstartingupandrushinganywhere;butIrestrainedmyself,forI
  knewIcouldnotescapefrommyself,sowhyshouldInotremaininthedingle?SoIthoughtandsaidtomyself,formyreasoningpowerswerestilluninjured。Atlastitappearedtomethatthehorrorwasnotsostrong,notquitesostrong,uponme。Wasitpossiblethatitwasrelaxingitsgrasp,releasingitsprey?Ohwhatamercy!butitcouldnotbe;andyet-Ilookeduptoheaven,andclaspedmyhands,andsaid,’OurFather。’Isaidnomore-I
  wastooagitated;andnowIwasalmostsurethatthehorrorhaddoneitsworst。
  AfteralittletimeIarose,andstaggereddownyetfartherintothedingle。Iagainfoundmylittlehorseonthesamespotasbefore。Iputmyhandtohismouth-helickedmyhand。Iflungmyselfdownbyhim,andputmyarmsroundhisneck;thecreaturewhinnied,andappearedtosympathisewithme。Whatacomforttohaveanyone,evenadumbbrute,tosympathisewithmeatsuchamoment!Iclungtomylittlehorse,asifforsafetyandprotection。Ilaidmyheadonhisneck,andfeltalmostcalm。
  Presentlythefearreturned,butnotsowildasbefore;itsubsided,cameagain,againsubsided;thendrowsinesscameoverme,andatlastIfellasleep,myheadsupportedontheneckofthelittlehorse。Iawoke;itwasdark,darknight-notastarwastobeseen-butIfeltnofear,thehorrorhadleftme。Iarosefromthesideofthelittlehorse,andwentintomytent,laydown,andagainwenttosleep。
  Iawokeinthemorningweakandsore,andshudderingattheremembranceofwhatIhadgonethroughontheprecedingday;thesunwasshiningbrightly,butithadnotyetrisenhighenoughtoshowitsheadabovethetreeswhichfencedtheeasternsideofthedingle,onwhichaccountthedinglewaswetanddankfromthedewsofthenight。Ikindledmyfire,and,aftersittingbyitforsometimetowarmmyframe,ItooksomeofthecoarsefoodwhichIhavealreadymentioned;notwithstandingmylatestruggle,andthecoarsenessofthefare,Iatewithappetite。Myprovisionshadbythistimebeenverymuchdiminished,andIsawthatitwouldbespeedilynecessary,intheeventofmycontinuingtoresideinthedingle,tolayinafreshstore。Aftermymeal,Iwenttothepitandfilledacanwithwater,whichIbroughttothedingle,andthenagainsatdownonmystone。IconsideredwhatIshouldnextdo:itwasnecessarytodosomething,ormylifeinthissolitudewouldbeinsupportable。WhatshouldIdo?rouseupmyforgeandfashionahorse-shoe?ButIwantednerveandheartforsuchanemployment;moreover,Ihadnomotiveforfatiguingmyselfinthismanner;myownhorsewasshod,nootherwasathand,anditishardtoworkforthesakeofworking。WhatshouldIdo?read?Yes,butIhadnootherbookthantheBiblewhichtheWelshMethodisthadgivenme。Well,whynotreadtheBible?IwasoncefondofreadingtheBible;ay,butthosedayswerelonggoneby。However,IdidnotseewhatelseIcouldwelldoonthepresentoccasion-soI
  determinedtoreadtheBible-itwasinWelsh;atanyrateitmightamuseme。SoItooktheBibleoutofthesack,inwhichitwaslyinginthecart,andbegantoreadattheplacewhereI
  chancedtoopenit。IopeneditatthatpartwherethehistoryofSaulcommences。AtfirstIreadwithindifference,butaftersometimemyattentionwasriveted,andnowonder,IhadcometothevisitationsofSaul-thosedarkmomentsofhis,whenhedidandsaidsuchunaccountablethings;italmostappearedtomethatIwasreadingofmyself;I,too,hadmyvisitations,darkaseverhiswere。Oh,howIsympathisedwithSaul,thetalldarkman!Ihadreadhislifebefore,butithadmadenoimpressiononme;ithadneveroccurredtomethatIwaslikehim;butInowsympathisedwithSaul,formyowndarkhourwasbutrecentlypassed,and,perhaps,wouldsoonreturnagain;thedarkhourcamefrequentlyonSaul。
  Timeworeaway;IfinishedthebookofSaul,and,closingthevolume,returnedittoitsplace。Ithenreturnedtomyseatonthestone,andthoughtofwhatIhadread,andwhatIhadlatelyundergone。AllatonceIthoughtIfeltwell-knownsensations,acrampingofthebreast,andatinglingofthesolesofthefeet;
  theywerewhatIhadfeltontheprecedingday-theyweretheforerunnersofthefear。Isatmotionlessonmystone,thesensationspassedaway,andthefearcamenot。Darknesswasnowcomingagainovertheearth;thedinglewasagainindeepshade;I
  rousedthefirewiththebreathofthebellows,andsatlookingatthecheerfulglow;itwascheeringandcomforting。Mylittlehorsecamenowandlaydownonthegroundbesidetheforge;Iwasnotquitedeserted。Iagainatesomeofthecoarsefood,anddrankplentifullyofthewaterwhichIhadfetchedinthemorning。I
  thenputfreshfuelonthefire,andsatforalongtimelookingontheblaze;Ithenwentintomytent。
  Iawoke,onmyowncalculation,aboutmidnight-itwaspitchdark,andtherewasmuchfearuponme。
  CHAPTERLXXXV
  Freeandindependent-Idon’tseewhy-Oats-Anoise-Unwelcomevisitors-What’sthematter?-Good-daytoye-Thetallgirl-
  Dovrefeld-Blowontheface-Civilenough-What’sthis?-Vulgarwoman-Handsoff-Gaspingforbreath-LongMelford-Aprettymanoeuvre-Alongdraught-Signsofanimation-Itwon’tdo-Nomalice-Badpeople。
  TwomorningsaftertheperiodtowhichIhavebroughtthereaderintheprecedingchapter,Isatbymyfireatthebottomofthedingle;Ihadjustbreakfasted,andhadfinishedthelastmorseloffoodwhichIhadbroughtwithmetothatsolitude。
  ’WhatshallInowdo?’saidItomyself;’shallIcontinuehere,ordecamp?-thisisasadlonelyspot-perhapsIhadbetterquitit;
  butwhithershallIgo?thewideworldisbeforeme,butwhatcanI
  dotherein?Ihavebeenintheworldalreadywithoutmuchsuccess。
  No,Ihadbetterremainhere;theplaceislonely,itistrue,buthereIamfreeandindependent,andcandowhatIplease;butI
  can’tremainherewithoutfood。Well,Iwillfindmywaytothenearesttown,layinafreshsupplyofprovision,andcomeback,turningmybackupontheworld,whichhasturneditsbackuponme。
  Idon’tseewhyIshouldnotwritealittlesometimes;Ihavepensandanink-horn,andforawriting-deskIcanplacetheBibleonmyknee。Ishouldn’twonderifIcouldwriteacapitalsatireontheworldonthebackofthatBible;but,firstofall,Imustthinkofsupplyingmyselfwithfood。’
  IroseupfromthestoneonwhichIwasseated,determiningtogotothenearesttown,withmylittlehorseandcart,andprocurewhatIwanted。Thenearesttown,accordingtomybestcalculation,layaboutfivemilesdistant;Ihadnodoubt,however,that,byusingordinarydiligence,Ishouldbebackbeforeevening。Inordertogolighter,Ideterminedtoleavemytentstandingasitwas,andallthethingswhichIhadpurchasedofthetinker,justastheywere。’Ineednotbeapprehensiveontheiraccount,’saidItomyself;’nobodywillcomeheretomeddlewiththem-thegreatrecommendationofthisplaceisitsperfectsolitude-IdaresaythatIcouldliveheresixmonthswithoutseeingasinglehumanvisage。Iwillnowharnessmylittlegryandbeofftothetown。’
  AtawhistlewhichIgave,thelittlegry,whichwasfeedingonthebankneartheuppermostpartofthedingle,camerunningtome,forbythistimehehadbecomesoaccustomedtomethathewouldobeymycall,foralltheworldasifhehadbeenoneofthecaninespecies。’Now,’saidItohim,’wearegoingtothetowntobuybreadformyselfandoatsforyou-Iaminahurrytobeback;
  thereforeIprayyoutodoyourbest,andtodrawmeandthecarttothetownwithallpossiblespeed,andtobringusback;ifyoudoyourbest,Ipromiseyouoatsonyourreturn。Youknowthemeaningofoats,Ambrol?’Ambrolwhinniedasiftoletmeknowthatheunderstoodmeperfectlywell,asindeedhewellmight,asI
  hadneveroncefedhimduringthetimethathehadbeeninmypossessionwithoutsayingthewordinquestiontohim。Now,Ambrol,inthegypsytongue,signifiethapear。
  SoIcaparisonedAmbrol,andthen,goingtothecart,Iremovedtwoorthreethingsfromitintothetent;Ithenlifteduptheshafts,andwasjustgoingtocalltotheponytocomeandbefastenedtothem,whenIthoughtIheardanoise。
  Istoodstockstill,supportingtheshaftofthelittlecartinmyhand,andbendingtherightsideofmyfaceslightlytowardstheground,butIcouldhearnothing;thenoisewhichIthoughtIhadheardwasnotoneofthosesoundswhichIwasaccustomedtohearinthatsolitude-thenoteofabird,ortherustlingofabough;itwas-thereIhearditagain,asoundverymuchresemblingthegratingofawheelamongstgravel。Coulditproceedfromtheroad?