HereuponIgrewsohappyatbeingondrylandagain,andcometolookforLorna,withprettytreesaroundme,thatwhatdidIdobutfallasleepwiththeholly-stickinfrontofme,andmybestcoatsunkinabedofmoss,withwaterandwood-sorrel。MayhapIhadnotdoneso,noryetenjoyedthespringsomuch,ifsobeIhadnottakenthreepartsofagallonofciderathome,atPlover’sBarrows,becauseofthelownessandsinkingeversinceImetMotherMelldrum。
Therewasalittlerunnelgoingsoftlydownbesideme,fallingfromtheupperrockbythemeansofmossandgrass,asifitfearedtomakeanoise,andhadamothersleeping。Nowandthenitseemedtostop,infearofitsowndropping,andwaitforsomeorders;andthebladesofgrassthatstraightenedtoitturnedtheirpointsalittleway,andofferedtheirallegiancetowindinsteadofwater。Yetbeforetheircarklededgesbentmorethanadrivensaw,downthewatercameagainwithheavydropsandpatsofrunning,andbrightangeratneglect。
Thiswasverypleasanttome,nowandthen,togazeat,blinkingasthewaterblinked,andfallingbacktosleepagain。Suddenlymysleepwasbrokenbyashadecastoverme;betweenmeandthelowsunlightLornaDoonewasstanding。
’MasterRidd,areyoumad?’shesaid,andtookmyhandtomoveme。
’Notmad,buthalfasleep,’Ianswered,feigningnottonoticeher,thatsoshemightkeepholdofme。
’Comeaway,comeaway,ifyoucareforlife。Thepatrolwillbeheredirectly。Bequick,MasterRidd,letmehidethee。’
’Iwillnotstirastep,’saidI,thoughbeinginthegreatestfrightthatmightbewellimagined,’unlessyoucallme“John。“’
’Well,John,then——MasterJohnRidd,bequick,ifyouhaveanytocareforyou。’
’Ihavemanythatcareforme,’Isaid,justtoletherknow;’andIwillfollowyou,MistressLorna,albeitwithoutanyhurry,unlesstherebeperiltomorethanme。’
Withoutanotherwordsheledme,thoughwithmanytimidglancestowardstheuppervalley,to,andinto,herlittlebower,wheretheinletthroughtherockwas。I
amalmostsurethatIspokebeforethoughIcannotnowgoseekforit,andmymemoryisbutaworn-outtubofacertaindeepandperilouspit,inwhichIwasliketodrownmyselfthroughhurryandfrightofboyhood。AndeventhenIwonderedgreatly,andwasvexedwithLornaforsendingmeinthatheedlessmannerintosuchanentrance。Butnowitwasclearthatshehadbeenrightandthefaultmineownentirely;fortheentrancetothepitwasonlytohefoundbyseekingit。Insidethenicheofnativestone,theplainestthingofalltosee,atanyratebydaylight,wasthestairwayhewnfromrock,andleadingupthemountain,bymeansofwhichIhadescaped,asbeforerelated。Totherightsideofthiswasthemouthofthepit,stilllookingveryformidable;thoughLornalaughedatmyfearofit,forshedrewherwaterthence。Butontheleftwasanarrowcrevice,verydifficulttoespy,andhavingasweepofgreyivylaid,likeaslouchingbeaver,overit。Amanherecomingfromthebrightnessoftheouterair,witheyesdazedbythetwilight,wouldneverthinkofseeingthisandfollowingittoitsmeaning。
Lornaraisedthescreenforme,butIhadmuchadotopass,onaccountofbulkandstature。Insteadofbeingproudofmysizeasitseemedtomesheoughttobe
LornalaughedsoquietlythatIwasreadytoknockmyheadorelbowsagainstanything,andsaynomoreaboutit。However,Igotthroughatlastwithoutawordofcompliment,andbrokeintothepleasantroom,theloneretreatofLorna。
Thechamberwasofunhewnrock,round,asnearasmightbe,eighteenortwentyfeetacross,andgaywithrichvarietyoffernandmossandlichen。Thefernwasinitswinterstill,orcoilingforthespring-tide;butmosswasinabundantlife,somefeathering,andsomegobleted,andsomewithfringeofredtoit。Overheadtherewasnoceilingbuttheskyitself,flakedwithlittlecloudsofAprilwhitelywanderingoverit。Thefloorwasmadeofsoftlowgrass,mixedwithmossandprimroses;andinanicheofsheltermovedthedelicatewood-sorrel。Hereandthere,aroundthesides,were’chairsoflivingstone,’assomeLatinwritersays,whosenamehasquiteescapedme;andinthemidstatinyspringarose,withcrystalbeadsinit,andasoftvoiceasofalaughingdream,anddimpleslikeasleepingbabe。Then,aftergoingroundalittle,withsurpriseofdaylight,thewateroverwelledtheedge,andsoftlywentthroughlinesoflighttoshadowsandanuntoldbourne。
WhileIwasgazingatallthesethingswithwonderandsomesadness,Lornaturneduponmelightlyashermannerwasandsaid,——
’Wherearethenew-laideggs,MasterRidd?Orhathbluehenceasedlaying?’
Ididnotaltogetherlikethewayinwhichshesaiditwithasortofdialect,asifmyspeechcouldbelaughedat。
’Herebesome,’Ianswered,speakingasifinspiteofher。’Iwouldhavebroughttheetwiceasmany,butthatIfearedtocrushtheminthenarrowways,MistressLorna。’
AndsoIlaidherouttwodozenuponthemossoftherock-ledge,unwindingthewispofhayfromeachasitcamesafeoutofmypocket。Lornalookedwithgrowingwonder,asIaddedonetoone;andwhenIhadplacedthemsidebyside,andbiddenhernowtotellthem,tomyamazementwhatdidshedobutburstintoafloodoftears。
’WhathaveIdone?’Iasked,withshame,scarcedaringeventolookather,becausehergriefwasnotlikeAnnie’s——athingthatcouldbecoaxedaway,andleftajoyingoing——’oh,whathaveIdonetovexyouso?’
’Itisnothingdonebyyou,MasterRidd,’sheanswered,veryproudly,asifnoughtIdidcouldmatter;’itisonlysomethingthatcomesuponmewiththescentofthepuretrueclover-hay。Moreover,youhavebeentookind;andIamnotusedtokindness。’
Somesortofawkwardnesswasonme,atherwordsandweeping,asifIwouldliketosaysomething,butfearedtomakethingsworseperhapsthantheywerealready。ThereforeIabstainedfromspeech,asIwouldinmyownpain。Andasithappened,thiswasthewaytomakehertellmemoreaboutit。NotthatIwascurious,beyondwhatpityurgedmeandthestrangeaffairsaroundher;andnowIgazeduponthefloor,lestIshouldseemtowatchher;butnonethelessforthatIknewallthatshewasdoing。
Lornawentalittleway,asifshewouldnotthinkofmenorcareforonesocareless;andallmyheartgaveasuddenjump,togolikeamadthingafterher;untilsheturnedofherownaccord,andwithalittlesighcamebacktome。Hereyesweresoftwithtrouble’sshadow,andtheproudliftofherneckwasgone,andbeauty’svanitybornedownbywoman’swantofsustenance。
’MasterRidd,’shesaidinthesoftestvoicethateverflowedbetweentwolips,’haveIdoneaughttooffendyou?’
Hereuponitwenthardwithme,nottocatchherupandkissher,inthemannerinwhichshewaslooking;onlyitsmotemesuddenlythatthiswouldbealowadvantageofhertrustandhelplessness。SheseemedtoknowwhatIwouldbeat,andtodoubtverygreatlyaboutit,whetherasachildofoldshemightpermittheusage。
Allsortsofthingswentthroughmyhead,asImademyselflookawayfromher,forfearofbeingtemptedbeyondwhatIcouldbear。AndtheupshotofitwasthatIsaid,withinmyheartandthroughit,’JohnRidd,beonthyverybestmannerswiththislonelymaiden。’
Lornalikedmeallthebetterformygoodforbearance;
becauseshedidnotlovemeyet,andhadnotthoughtaboutit;atleastsofarasIknew。Andthoughhereyesweresobeauteous,soverysoftandkindly,therewastomyapprehensionsomegreatpowerinthem,asifshewouldnothaveathing,unlessherjudgmentleapedwithit。
Butnowherjudgmentleapedwithme,becauseIhadbehavedsowell;andbeingofquickurgentnature——suchasIdelightin,forthechangefrommineownslowness——she,withoutanyletorhindrance,sittingoveragainstme,nowraisingandnowdroppingfringeoverthosesweeteyesthatweretheroad-lightsofhertongue,LornatoldmeallabouteverythingIwishedtoknow,everylittlethingsheknew,exceptindeedthatpointofpoints,howMasterRiddstoodwithher。
Althoughitweariedmenowhit,itmightbewearisomeforfolkwhocannotlookatLorna,tohearthestoryallinspeech,exactlyasshetoldit;thereforeletmeputitshortly,tothebestofmyremembrance。
Nay,pardonme,whosoeverthouart,forseemingfickleandrudetothee;Ihavetriedtodoasfirstproposed,totellthetaleinmyownwords,asofanother’sfortune。But,lo!Iwasbesetatoncewithmanyheavyobstacles,whichgrewasIwentonward,untilIknewnotwhereIwas,andmingledpastandpresent。Andtwoofthesedifficultiesonlywereenoughtostopme;theonethatImustcoldlyspeakwithouttheforceofpity,theotherthatI,offandon,confusedmyselfwithLorna,asmightbewellexpected。
Thereforelethertellthestory,withherownsweetvoiceandmanner;andifyefinditwearisome,seekinyourselvestheweariness。
’Icannotgothroughallmythoughtssoastomakethemcleartoyou,norhaveIeverdweltonthings,toshapeastoryofthem。Iknownotwherethebeginningwas,norwherethemiddleoughttobe,norevenhowatthepresenttimeIfeel,orthink,oroughttothink。
IfIlookforhelptothosearoundme,whoshouldtellmerightandwrongbeingolderandmuchwiser,Imeetsometimeswithlaughter,andatothertimeswithanger。
’Therearebuttwointheworldwhoeverlistenandtrytohelpme;oneofthemismygrandfather,andtheotherisamanofwisdom,whomwecalltheCounsellor。
Mygrandfather,SirEnsorDoone,isveryoldandharshofmannerexceptindeedtome;heseemstoknowwhatisrightandwrong,butnottowanttothinkofit。
TheCounsellor,ontheotherhand,thoughfulloflifeandsubtleties,treatsmyquestionsasofplay,andnotgravelyworthhiswhiletoanswer,unlesshecanmakewitofthem。
’AndamongthewomentherearenonewithwhomIcanholdconverse,sincemyAuntSabinadied,whotooksuchpainstoteachme。Shewasaladyofhighreputeandloftyways,andlearning,butgrievedandharassedmoreandmorebythecoarseness,andtheviolence,andtheignorancearoundher。Invainshestrove,fromyeartoyear,tomaketheyoungmenhearken,toteachthemwhatbecametheirbirth,andgivethemsenseofhonour。Itwasherfavouriteword,poorthing!andtheycalledher“OldAuntHonour。“VeryoftensheusedtosaythatI
washeronlycomfort,andIamsureshewasmyonlyone;andwhenshedieditwasmoretomethanifIhadlostamother。
’ForIhavenoremembrancenowoffatherorofmother,althoughtheysaythatmyfatherwastheeldestsonofSirEnsorDoone,andthebravestandthebestofthem。
Andsotheycallmeheiresstothislittlerealmofviolence;andinsorrysportsometimes,IamtheirPrincessortheirQueen。
’Manypeoplelivinghere,asIamforcedtodo,wouldperhapsbeveryhappy,andperhapsIoughttobeso。
Wehaveabeauteousvalley,shelteredfromthecoldofwinterandpowerofthesummersun,untroubledalsobythestormsandmiststhatveilthemountains;althoughImustacknowledgethatitisapttoraintoooften。
Thegrassmoreoverissofresh,andthebrooksobrightandlively,andflowersofsomanyhuescomeafteroneanotherthatnooneneedbedull,ifonlyleftalonewiththem。
’Andsointheearlydaysperhaps,whenmorningbreathesaroundme,andthesunisgoingupward,andlightisplayingeverywhere,Iamnotsofarbesidethemallastoliveinshadow。Butwhentheeveninggathersdown,andtheskyisspreadwithsadness,andthedayhasspentitself;thenacloudoflonelytroublefalls,likenight,uponme。IcannotseethethingsIquestforofaworldbeyondme;Icannotjointhepeaceandquietofthedepthaboveme;neitherhaveIanypleasureinthebrightnessofthestars。
’WhatIwanttoknowissomethingnoneofthemcantellme——whatamI,andwhysethere,andwhenshallIbewiththem?Iseethatyouaresurprisedalittleatthismycuriosity。Perhapssuchquestionsneverspringinanywholesomespirit。Buttheyareinthedepthsofmine,andIcannotbequitofthem。
’Meantime,allaroundmeisviolenceandrobbery,coarsedelightandsavagepain,recklessjokeandhopelessdeath。IsitanywonderthatIcannotsinkwiththese,thatIcannotsoforgetmysoul,astolivethelifeofbrutes,anddiethedeathmorehorriblebecauseitdreamsofwaking?Thereisnonetoleadmeforward,thereisnonetoteachmeright;youngasI
am,Ilivebeneathacursethatlastsforever。’
HereLornabrokedownforawhile,andcriedsoverypiteously,thatdoubtingofmyknowledge,andofanypowertocomfort,Ididmybesttoholdmypeace,andtriedtolookverycheerful。Thenthinkingthatmightbebadmanners,Iwenttowipehereyesforher。
’MasterRidd,’shebeganagain,’Iambothashamedandvexedatmyownchildishfolly。Butyou,whohaveamother,whothinksyousaysomuchofyou,andsisters,andaquiethome;youcannottellitisnotlikelywhatalonelynatureis。Howitleapsinmirthsometimes,withonlyheaventouchingit;andhowitfallsawaydesponding,whenthedrearyweightcreepson。
’ItdoesnothappenmanytimesthatIgivewaylikethis;moreshamenowtodoso,whenIoughttoentertainyou。SometimesIamsofullofanger,thatI
darenottrusttospeech,atthingstheycannothidefromme;andperhapsyouwouldbemuchsurprisedthatrecklessmenwouldcaresomuchtoeludeayounggirl’sknowledge。TheyusedtoboasttoAuntSabinaofpillageandofcruelty,onpurposetoenrageher;buttheyneverboasttome。Itevenmakesmesmilesometimestoseehowawkwardlytheycomeandofferfortemptationtomeshiningpackets,halfconcealed,ofornamentsandfinery,ofrings,orchains,orjewels,latelybelongingtootherpeople。
’ButwhenItrytosearchthepast,togetasenseofwhatbefellmeeremyownperceptionformed;tofeelbackforthelinesofchildhood,asatraceofgossamer,thenIonlyknowthatnoughtliveslongerthanGodwillsit。Somayaftersingoby,forwearechildrenalways,astheCounsellorhastoldme;somaywe,beyondtheclouds,seekthisinfancyoflife,andneverfinditsmemory。
’ButIamtalkingnowofthingswhichnevercomeacrossmewhenanyworkistoward。Itmighthavebeenagoodthingformetohavehadafathertobeattheserovingsoutofme;oramothertomakeahome,andteachmehowtomanageit。For,beingleftwithnone——Ithink;andnothingevercomesofit。Nothing,Imean,whichIcangraspandhavewithanysurety;nothingbutfaintimages,andwonderment,andwandering。Butoften,whenIamneithersearchingbackintoremembrance,noraskingofmyparents,butoccupiedbytrifles,somethinglikeasign,ormessage,oratokenofsomemeaning,seemstoglanceuponme。Whetherfromtherustlingwind,orsoundofdistantmusic,orthesingingofabird,likethesunonsnowitstrikesmewithapainofpleasure。
第23章