首页 >出版文学> Lord Jim>第38章

第38章

  Whowouldrememberhim?Hehadwhathewanted。Hisveryexistenceprobablyhadbeenforgottenbythistime。Theyhadmasteredtheirfates。Theyweretragic。
  `Herimmobilitybeforemewasclearlyexpectant,andmypartwastospeakformybrotherfromtherealmofforgetfulshades。Iwasdeeplymovedatmyresponsibilityandatherdistress。Iwouldhavegivenanythingforthepowertosootheherfrailsoul,tormentingitselfinitsinvincibleignorancelikeasmallbirdbeatingaboutthecruelwiresofacage。Nothingeasierthantosay,Havenofear!Nothingmoredifficult。Howdoesonekillfear,Iwonder?Howdoyoushootaspectrethroughtheheart,slashoffitsspectralhead,takeitbyitsspectralthroat?Itisanenterpriseyourushintowhileyoudream,andaregladtomakeyourescapewithwethairandeverylimbshaking。Thebulletisnotrun,thebladenotforged,themannotborn;eventhewingedwordsoftruthdropatyourfeetlikelumpsoflead。Yourequireforsuchadesperateencounteranenchantedandpoisonedshaftdippedinalietoosubtletobefoundonearth。Anenterpriseforadream,mymasters!
  `Ibeganmyexorcismwithaheavyheart,withasortofsullenangerinit,too。Jim’svoice,suddenlyraisedwithasternintonation,carriedacrossthecourtyard,reprovingthecarelessnessofsomedumbsinnerbytheriver-side。Nothing——Isaid,speakinginadistinctmurmur——therecouldbenothing,inthatunknownworldshefanciedsoeagertorobherofherhappiness,therewasnothingneitherlivingnordead,therewasnoface,novoice,nopower,thatcouldtearJimfromherside。Idrewbreathandshewhisperedsoftly,“Hetoldmeso。““Hetoldyouthetruth,“Isaid。
  “Nothing,“shesighedout,andabruptlyturneduponmewithabarelyaudibleintensityoftone:“Whydidyoucometousfromoutthere?Hespeaksofyoutoooften。Youmakemeafraid。Doyou——doyouwanthim?“Asortofstealthyfiercenesshadcreptintoourhurriedmutters。“Ishallnevercomeagain,“Isaid,bitterly。“AndIdon’twanthim。Noonewantshim。“
  “Noone?“sherepeatedinatoneofdoubt。“Noone,“Iaffirmed,feelingmyselfswayedbysomestrangeexcitement。“Youthinkhimstrong,wise,courageous,great——whynotbelievehimtobetrue,too?Ishallgoto-morrow——andthatistheend。Youshallneverbetroubledbyavoicefromthereagain。
  Thisworldyoudon’tknowistoobigtomisshim。Youunderstand?Toobig。
  You’vegothisheartinyourhand。Youmustfeelthat。Youmustknowthat。“
  “Yes,Iknowthat,“shebreathedout,hardandstill,asastatuemightwhisper。
  `IfeltIhaddonenothing。AndwhatisitthatIhadwishedtodo?
  Iamnotsurenow。AtthetimeIwasanimatedbyaninexplicableardour,asifbeforesomegreatandnecessarytask——theinfluenceofthemomentuponmymentalandemotionalstate。Thereareinallourlivessuchmoments,suchinfluences,comingfromtheoutside,asitwere,irresistible,incomprehensible——asifbroughtaboutbythemysteriousconjunctionsoftheplanets。Sheowned,asIhadputittoher,hisheart。Shehadthatandeverythingelse——ifshecouldonlybelieveit。WhatIhadtotellherwasthatinthewholeworldtherewasnoonewhoeverwouldneedhisheart,hismind,hishand。
  Itwasacommonfate,andyetitseemedanawfulthingtosayofanyman。
  Shelistenedwithoutaword,andherstillnessnowwasliketheprotestofaninvincibleunbelief。Whatneedshecarefortheworldbeyondtheforests?Iasked。Fromallthemultitudesthatpeopledthevastnessofthatunknowntherewouldcome,Iassuredher,aslongashelived,neitheracallnorasignforhim。Never。Iwascarriedaway。Never!Never!IrememberwithwonderthesortofdoggedfiercenessIdisplayed。Ihadtheillusionofhavinggotthespectrebythethroatatlast。Indeedthewholerealthinghasleftbehindthedetailedandamazingimpressionofadream。Whyshouldshefear?Sheknewhimtobestrong,true,wise,brave。Hewasallthat。Certainly。Hewasmore。Hewasgreat——invincible——andtheworlddidnotwanthim,ithadforgottenhim,itwouldnotevenknowhim。
  `Istopped;thesilenceoverPatusanwasprofound,andthefeebledrysoundofapaddlestrikingthesideofacanoesomewhereinthemiddleoftheriverseemedtomakeitinfinite“Why?“shemurmured。Ifeltthatsortofrageonefeelsduringahardtussle。Thespectrewastryingtoslipoutofmygrasp。“Why?“sherepeatedlouder;“tellme!“AndasIremainedconfounded,shestampedwithherfootlikeaspoiltchild。“Why?Speak。“
  “Youwanttoknow?“Iaskedinafury。“Yes!“shecried。“Becauseheisnotgoodenough,“Isaid,brutally。Duringthemoment’spauseInoticedthefireontheothershoreblazeup,dilatingthecircleofitsglowlikeanamazedstare,andcontractsuddenlytoaredpin-point。IonlyknewhowclosetomeshehadbeenwhenIfelttheclutchofherfingersonmyforearm。Withoutraisinghervoice,shethrewintoitaninfinityofscathingcontempt,bitterness,anddespair。
  “`Thisistheverythinghesaid……Youlie!“
  `Thelasttwowordsshecriedatmeinthenativedialect。“Hearmeout!“Ientreated:shecaughtherbreathtremulously,flungmyarmaway。
  “Nobody,nobodyisgoodenough,“Ibeganwiththegreatestearnestness。
  Icouldhearthesobbinglabourofherbreathfrightfullyquickened。I
  hungmyhead。Whatwastheuse?Footstepswereapproaching;Islippedawaywithoutanotherword……’
  swunghislegsout,gotupquickly,andstaggeredalittle,asthoughhehadbeensetdownafterarushthroughspace。Heleanedhisbackagainstthebalustradeandfacedadisorderedarrayoflongcane-chairs。Thebodiesproneinthemseemedstartledoutoftheirtorporbyhismovement。Oneortwosatupasifalarmed;hereandthereacigarglowedyet;Marlowlookedatthemallwiththeeyesofamanreturningfromtheexcessiveremotenessofadream。Athroatwascleared;acalmvoiceencouragednegligently,`Well?’
  `Nothing,’saidMarlowwithaslightstart。`Hehadtoldher——that’sall。Shedidnotbelievehim——nothingmore。Astomyself,Idonotknowwhetheritbejust,proper,decentformetorejoiceortobesorry。Formypart,IcannotsaywhatIbelieved——indeedIdon’tknowtothisday,andnevershallprobably。Butwhatdidthepoordevilbelievehimself?
  Truthshallprevail——don’tyouknowMagnaestveritaset……Yes,whenitgetsachance。Thereisalaw,nodoubt——andlikewisealawregulatesyourluckinthethrowingofdice。ItisnotJusticetheservantofmen,butaccident,hazard,Fortune——theallyofpatientTime——thatholdsanevenandscrupulousbalance。Bothofushadsaidtheverysamething。Didwebothspeakthetruth——ordidoneofus——orneither?……“
  Marlowpaused,crossedhisarmsonhisbreast,andinachangedtone:
  `Shesaidwelied。Poorsoul。Well——let’sleaveittochance,whoseallyisTime,thatcannotbehurried,andwhoseenemyisDeath,thatwillnotwait。Ihadretreated——alittlecowed,Imustown。Ihadtriedafallwithfearitselfandgotthrown——ofcourse。Ihadonlysucceededinaddingtoheranguishthehintofsomemysteriouscollusion,ofaninexplicableandincomprehensibleconspiracytokeepherforeverinthedark。Andithadcomeeasily,naturally,unavoidably,byhisact,byherownact!ItwasasthoughIhadbeenshowntheworkingoftheimplacabledestinyofwhichwearethevictims——andthetools。ItwasappallingtothinkofthegirlwhomIhadleftstandingtheremotionless;Jim’sfootstepshadafatefulsoundashetrampedby,withoutseeingme,inhisheavylacedboots。“What?
  Nolights!“hesaidinnaloudsurprisedvoice。“Whatareyoudoinginthedark——youtwo?“Nextmomenthecaughtsightofher,Isuppose。“Hallo,girl!“hecried,cheerily。“Hallo,boy!“sheansweredatonce,withamazingpluck。
  `Thiswastheirusualgreetingtoeachother,andthebitofswaggershewouldputintoherratherhighbutsweetvoicewasverydroll,pretty,andchildlike。ItdelightedJimgreatly。ThiswasthelastoccasiononwhichIheardthemexchangethisfamiliarhail,anditstruckachillintomyheart。Therewasthehighsweetvoice,theprettyeffort,theswagger;
  butitallseemedtodieoutprematurely,andtheplayfulcallsoundedlikeamoan。Itwastooconfoundedlyawful。“WhathaveyoudonewithMarlow?“
  Jimwasasking;andthen,“Gonedown——hashe?FunnyIdidn’tmeethim……Youthere,Marlow?“
  `Ididn’tanswer。Iwasn’tgoingin——notyetatanyrate。Ireallycouldn’t。
  WhilehewascallingmeIwasengagedinmakingmyescapethroughalittlegateleadingoutuponastretchofnewlyclearedground。No;Icouldn’tfacethemyet。Iwalkedhastilywithloweredheadalongatroddenpath。
  Thegroundrosegently,thefewbigtreeshadbeenfelled,theundergrowthhadbeencutdownandthegrassfired。Hehadamindtotryacoffee-plantationthere。Thebighill,rearingitsdoublesummitcoal-blackintheclearyellowglowoftherisingmoon,seemedtocastitsshadowuponthegroundpreparedforthatexperiment。Hewasgoingtotrysomanyexperiments;
  Ihadadmiredhisenergy,hisenterprise,andhisshrewdness。Nothingonearthseemedlessrealnowthanhisplans,hisenergy,andhisenthusiasm;
  andraisingmyeyes,Isawpartofthemoonglitteringthroughthebushesatthebottomofthechasm。Foramomentitlookedasthoughthesmoothdisk,fallingfromitsplaceintheskyupontheearth,hadrolledtothebottomofthatprecipice:itsascendingmovementwaslikealeisurelyrebound;
  itdisengageditselffromthetangleoftwigs;thebarecontortedlimbofsometree,growingontheslope,madeablackcrackrightacrossitsface。Itthrewitslevelraysafarasiffromacavern,andinthismournfuleclipse-likelightthestumpsoffelledtreesuproseverydark,theheavyshadowsfellatmyfeetonallsides,myownmovingshadow,andacrossmypaththeshadowofthesolitarygraveperpetuallygarlandedwithflowers。
  Inthedarkenedmoonlighttheinterlacedblossomstookonshapesforeigntoone’smemoryandcoloursindefinabletotheeye,asthoughtheyhadbeenspecialflowersgatheredbynoman,grownnotinthisworld,anddestinedfortheuseofthedeadalone。Theirpowerfulscenthunginthewarmair,makingitthickandheavylikethefumesofincense。Thelumpsofwhitecoralshoneroundthedarkmoundlikeachapletofbleachedskulls,andeverythingaroundwassoquietthatwhenIstoodstillallsoundandallmovementsintheworldseemedtocometoanend。
  `Itwasagreatpeace,asiftheearthhadbeenonegrave,andforatimeIstoodtherethinkingmostlyofthelivingwho,buriedinremoteplacesoutoftheknowledgeofmankind,stillarefatedtoshareinitstragicorgrotesquemiseries。Initsnoblestruggles,too——whoknows?Thehumanheartisvastenoughtocontainalltheworld。Itisvaliantenoughtobeartheburden,butwhereisthecouragethatwouldcastitoff?
  `IsupposeImusthavefallenintoasentimentalmood;IonlyknowthatIstoodtherelongenoughforthesenseofuttersolitudetogetholdofmesocompletelythatallIhadlatelyseen,allIhadheard,andtheveryhumanspeechitself,seemedtohavepassedawayoutofexistence,livingonlyforawhilelongerinmymemory,asthoughIhadbeenthelastofmankind。Itwasastrangeandmelancholyillusion,evolvedhalf-consciouslylikeallourillusions,whichIsuspectonlytobevisionsofremoteunattainabletruth,seendimly。Thiswas,indeed,oneofthelost,forgotten,unknownplacesoftheearth;Ihadlookedunderitsobscuresurface;andIfeltthatwhento-morrowIhadleftitforever,itwouldslipoutofexistence,toliveonlyinmymemorytillImyselfpassedintooblivion。Ihavethatfeelingaboutmenow;perhapsitisthatfeelingwhichhadincitedmetotellyouthestory,totrytohandovertoyou,asitwere,itsveryexistence,itsreality——thetruthdisclosedinamomentofillusion。
  `Corneliusbrokeuponit。Heboltedout,vermin-like,fromthelonggrassgrowinginadepressionoftheground。Ibelievehishousewasrottingsomewherenearby,thoughI’veneverseenit,nothavingbeenfarenoughinthatdirection。Herantowardsmeuponthepath;hisfeet,shodindirtywhiteshoes,twinkledonthedarkearth;hepulledhimselfup,andbegantowhineandcringeunderatallstove-pipehat。Hisdried-uplittlecarcasswasswallowedup,totallylost,inasuitofblackbroadcloth。Thatwashiscostumeforholidaysandceremonies,anditremindedmethatthiswasthefourthSundayIhadspentinPatusan。AllthetimeofmystayIhadbeenvaguelyawareofhisdesiretoconfideinme,ifheonlycouldgetmealltohimself。Hehungaboutwithaneagercravinglookonhissouryellowlittleface;buthistimidityhadkepthimbackasmuchasmynaturalreluctancetohaveanythingtodowithsuchanunsavourycreature。Hewouldhavesucceeded,nevertheless,hadhenotbeensoreadytoslinkoffassoonasyoulookedathim。HewouldslinkoffbeforeJim’sseveregaze,beforemyown,whichItriedtomakeindifferent,evenbeforeTamb’Itam’ssurly,superiorglance。Hewasperpetuallyslinkingaway;wheneverseenhewasseenmovingoffdeviously,hisfaceoverhisshoulder,witheitheramistrustfulsnarlorawoebegone,piteous,muteaspect,butnoassumedexpressioncouldconcealthisinnateirremediableabjectnessofhisnature,anymorethananarrangementofclothingcanconcealsomemonstrousdeformityofthebody。