Asifwashedbytheairhervoicesoundedmorespiritualandsofterthanusual。Voicesatalittledistanceansweredher,“Yes。“
Throughthedarknessshewaslookingatthemboth,andtryingtodistinguishhim。Whatwasthereforhertosay?Rachelhadpassedbeyondherguardianship。Avoicemightreachherears,butneveragainwoulditcarryasfarasithadcarriedtwenty-fourhoursago。
Nevertheless,speechseemedtobeduefromherbeforeshewenttobed。
Shewishedtospeak,butshefeltstrangelyoldanddepressed。
“D’yourealisewhatyou’redoing?“shedemanded。“She’syoung,you’rebothyoung;andmarriage——“Heresheceased。Theybeggedher,however,tocontinue,withsuchearnestnessintheirvoices,asiftheyonlycravedadvice,thatshewasledtoadd:
“Marriage!well,it’snoteasy。“
“That’swhatwewanttoknow,“theyanswered,andsheguessedthatnowtheywerelookingateachother。
“Itdependsonbothofyou,“shestated。HerfacewasturnedtowardsTerence,andalthoughhecouldhardlyseeher,hebelievedthatherwordsreallycoveredagenuinedesiretoknowmoreabouthim。
Heraisedhimselffromhissemi-recumbentpositionandproceededtotellherwhatshewantedtoknow。Hespokeaslightlyashecouldinordertotakeawayherdepression。
“I’mtwenty-seven,andI’veaboutsevenhundredayear,“hebegan。
“Mytemperisgoodonthewhole,andhealthexcellent,thoughHirstdetectsagoutytendency。Well,then,IthinkI’mveryintelligent。“
Hepausedasifforconfirmation。
Helenagreed。
“Though,unfortunately,ratherlazy。IintendtoallowRacheltobeafoolifshewantsto,and——Doyoufindmeonthewholesatisfactoryinotherrespects?“heaskedshyly。
“Yes,IlikewhatIknowofyou,“Helenreplied。
“Butthen——oneknowssolittle。“
“WeshallliveinLondon,“hecontinued,“and——“Withonevoicetheysuddenlyenquiredwhethershedidnotthinkthemthehappiestpeoplethatshehadeverknown。
“Hush,“shecheckedthem,“Mrs。Flushing,remember。She’sbehindus。“
Thentheyfellsilent,andTerenceandRachelfeltinstinctivelythattheirhappinesshadmadehersad,and,whiletheywereanxioustogoontalkingaboutthemselves,theydidnotliketo。
“We’vetalkedtoomuchaboutourselves,“Terencesaid。“Tellus——“
“Yes,tellus——“Rachelechoed。Theywerebothinthemoodtobelievethateveryonewascapableofsayingsomethingveryprofound。
“WhatcanItellyou?“Helenreflected,speakingmoretoherselfinaramblingstylethanasaprophetessdeliveringamessage。
Sheforcedherselftospeak。
“Afterall,thoughIscoldRachel,I’mnotmuchwisermyself。
I’molder,ofcourse,I’mhalf-waythrough,andyou’rejustbeginning。
It’spuzzling——sometimes,Ithink,disappointing;thegreatthingsaren’tasgreat,perhaps,asoneexpects——butit’sinteresting——
Oh,yes,you’recertaintofinditinteresting——Andsoitgoeson,“
theybecameconscioushereoftheprocessionofdarktreesintowhich,asfarastheycouldsee,Helenwasnowlooking,“andtherearepleasureswhereonedoesn’texpectthemyoumustwritetoyourfather,andyou’llbeveryhappy,I’venodoubt。ButImustgotobed,andifyouaresensibleyouwillfollowintenminutes,andso,“
sheroseandstoodbeforethem,almostfeaturelessandverylarge,“Good-night。“Shepassedbehindthecurtain。
Aftersittinginsilenceforthegreaterpartofthetenminutessheallowedthem,theyroseandhungovertherail。Beneaththemthesmoothblackwaterslippedawayveryfastandsilently。
Thesparkofacigarettevanishedbehindthem。“Abeautifulvoice,“
Terencemurmured。
Rachelassented。Helenhadabeautifulvoice。
Afterasilencesheasked,lookingupintothesky,“AreweonthedeckofasteameronariverinSouthAmerica?AmIRachel,areyouTerence?“
Thegreatblackworldlayroundthem。Astheyweredrawnsmoothlyalongitseemedpossessedofimmensethicknessandendurance。
Theycoulddiscernpointedtree-topsandbluntroundedtree-tops。
Raisingtheireyesabovethetrees,theyfixedthemonthestarsandthepaleborderofskyabovethetrees。Thelittlepointsoffrostylightinfinitelyfarawaydrewtheireyesandheldthemfixed,sothatitseemedasiftheystayedalongtimeandfellagreatdistancewhenoncemoretheyrealisedtheirhandsgraspingtherailandtheirseparatebodiesstandingsidebyside。
“You’dforgottencompletelyaboutme,“Terencereproachedher,takingherarmandbeginningtopacethedeck,“andIneverforgetyou。“
“Oh,no,“shewhispered,shehadnotforgotten,onlythestars——
thenight——thedark——
“You’relikeabirdhalfasleepinitsnest,Rachel。You’reasleep。
You’retalkinginyoursleep。“
Halfasleep,andmurmuringbrokenwords,theystoodintheanglemadebythebowoftheboat。Itslippedondowntheriver。
Nowabellstruckonthebridge,andtheyheardthelappingofwaterasitrippledawayoneitherside,andonceabirdstartledinitssleepcreaked,flewontothenexttree,andwassilentagain。
Thedarknesspoureddownprofusely,andleftthemwithscarcelyanyfeelingoflife,exceptthattheywerestandingtheretogetherinthedarkness。
Thedarknessfell,butroseagain,andaseachdayspreadwidelyovertheearthandpartedthemfromthestrangedayintheforestwhentheyhadbeenforcedtotelleachotherwhattheywanted,thiswishoftheirswasrevealedtootherpeople,andintheprocessbecameslightlystrangetothemselves。Apparentlyitwasnotanythingunusualthathadhappened;itwasthattheyhadbecomeengagedtomarryeachother。Theworld,whichconsistedforthemostpartofthehotelandthevilla,expresseditselfgladonthewholethattwopeopleshouldmarry,andallowedthemtoseethattheywerenotexpectedtotakepartintheworkwhichhastobedoneinorderthattheworldshallgoon,butmightabsentthemselvesforatime。
Theywereaccordinglyleftaloneuntiltheyfeltthesilenceasif,playinginavastchurch,thedoorhadbeenshutonthem。
Theyweredriventowalkalone,andsitalone,tovisitsecretplaceswheretheflowershadneverbeenpickedandthetreesweresolitary。
Insolitudetheycouldexpressthosebeautifulbuttoovastdesireswhichweresooddlyuncomfortabletotheearsofothermenandwomen——
desiresforaworld,suchastheirownworldwhichcontainedtwopeopleseemedtothemtobe,wherepeoplekneweachotherintimatelyandthusjudgedeachotherbywhatwasgood,andneverquarrelled,becausethatwaswasteoftime。
Theywouldtalkofsuchquestionsamongbooks,oroutinthesun,orsittingintheshadeofatreeundisturbed。Theywerenolongerembarrassed,orhalf-chokedwithmeaningwhichcouldnotexpressitself;theywerenotafraidofeachother,or,liketravellersdownatwistingriver,dazzledwithsuddenbeautieswhenthecorneristurned;theunexpectedhappened,buteventheordinarywaslovable,andinmanywayspreferabletotheecstaticandmysterious,foritwasrefreshinglysolid,andcalledouteffort,andeffortundersuchcircumstanceswasnoteffortbutdelight。
WhileRachelplayedthepiano,Terencesatnearher,engaged,asfarastheoccasionalwritingofawordinpenciltestified,inshapingtheworldasitappearedtohimnowthatheandRachelweregoingtobemarried。Itwasdifferentcertainly。Thebookcalled_Silence_wouldnotnowbethesamebookthatitwouldhavebeen。Hewouldthenputdownhispencilandstareinfrontofhim,andwonderinwhatrespectstheworldwasdifferent——
ithad,perhaps,moresolidity,morecoherence,moreimportance,greaterdepth。Why,eventheearthsometimesseemedtohimverydeep;
notcarvedintohillsandcitiesandfields,butheapedingreatmasses。
Hewouldlookoutofthewindowfortenminutesatatime;butno,hedidnotcarefortheearthsweptofhumanbeings。Helikedhumanbeings——
helikedthem,hesuspected,betterthanRacheldid。Thereshewas,swayingenthusiasticallyoverhermusic,quiteforgetfulofhim,——
buthelikedthatqualityinher。Helikedtheimpersonalitywhichitproducedinher。Atlast,havingwrittendownaseriesoflittlesentences,withnotesofinterrogationattachedtothem,heobservedaloud,“’Women——’undertheheadingWomenI’vewritten:
“’Notreallyvainerthanmen。Lackofself-confidenceatthebaseofmostseriousfaults。Dislikeofownsextraditional,orfoundedonfact?Everywomannotsomucharakeatheart,asanoptimist,becausetheydon’tthink。’Whatdoyousay,Rachel?“Hepausedwithhispencilinhishandandasheetofpaperonhisknee。
Rachelsaidnothing。UpandupthesteepspiralofaverylateBeethovensonatasheclimbed,likeapersonascendingaruinedstaircase,energeticallyatfirst,thenmorelaboriouslyadvancingherfeetwitheffortuntilshecouldgonohigherandreturnedwitharuntobeginattheverybottomagain。
“’Again,it’sthefashionnowtosaythatwomenaremorepracticalandlessidealisticthanmen,alsothattheyhaveconsiderableorganisingabilitybutnosenseofhonour’——query,whatismeantbymasculineterm,honour?——whatcorrespondstoitinyoursex?Eh?“
Attackingherstaircaseoncemore,Rachelagainneglectedthisopportunityofrevealingthesecretsofhersex。
Shehad,indeed,advancedsofarinthepursuitofwisdomthatsheallowedthesesecretstorestundisturbed;itseemedtobereservedforalatergenerationtodiscussthemphilosophically。
Crashingdownafinalchordwithherlefthand,sheexclaimedatlast,swingingrounduponhim:
“No,Terence,it’snogood;hereamI,thebestmusicianinSouthAmerica,nottospeakofEuropeandAsia,andIcan’tplayanotebecauseofyouintheroominterruptingmeeveryothersecond。“
“Youdon’tseemtorealisethatthat’swhatI’vebeenaimingatforthelasthalf-hour,“heremarked。“I’venoobjectiontonicesimpletunes——indeed,Ifindthemveryhelpfultomyliterarycomposition,butthatkindofthingismerelylikeanunfortunateolddoggoingroundonitshindlegsintherain。“
Hebeganturningoverthelittlesheetsofnote-paperwhichwerescatteredonthetable,conveyingthecongratulationsoftheirfriends。
“’——allpossiblewishesforallpossiblehappiness,’“heread;
“correct,butnotveryvivid,arethey?“
“They’resheernonsense!“Rachelexclaimed。“Thinkofwordscomparedwithsounds!“shecontinued。“Thinkofnovelsandplaysandhistories——“Perchedontheedgeofthetable,shestirredtheredandyellowvolumescontemptuously。Sheseemedtoherselftobeinapositionwhereshecoulddespiseallhumanlearning。
Terencelookedatthemtoo。
“God,Rachel,youdoreadtrash!“heexclaimed。“Andyou’rebehindthetimestoo,mydear。Noonedreamsofreadingthiskindofthingnow——antiquatedproblemplays,harrowingdescriptionsoflifeintheeastend——oh,no,we’veexplodedallthat。
Readpoetry,Rachel,poetry,poetry,poetry!“
Pickinguponeofthebooks,hebegantoreadaloud,hisintentionbeingtosatirisetheshortsharpbarkofthewriter’sEnglish;
butshepaidnoattention,andafteranintervalofmeditationexclaimed:
“Doesiteverseemtoyou,Terence,thattheworldiscomposedentirelyofvastblocksofmatter,andthatwe’renothingbutpatchesoflight——“shelookedatthesoftspotsofsunwaveringoverthecarpetandupthewall——“likethat?“
“No,“saidTerence,“Ifeelsolid;immenselysolid;thelegsofmychairmightberootedinthebowelsoftheearth。ButatCambridge,Icanremember,thereweretimeswhenonefellintoridiculousstatesofsemi-comaaboutfiveo’clockinthemorning。Hirstdoesnow,Iexpect——oh,no,Hirstwouldn’t。“
Rachelcontinued,“Thedayyournotecame,askingustogoonthepicnic,Iwassittingwhereyou’resittingnow,thinkingthat;
IwonderifIcouldthinkthatagain?Iwonderiftheworld’schanged?
andifso,whenit’llstopchanging,andwhichistherealworld?“
“WhenIfirstsawyou,“hebegan,“Ithoughtyouwerelikeacreaturewho’dlivedallitslifeamongpearlsandoldbones。
Yourhandswerewet,d’youremember,andyouneversaidaworduntilIgaveyouabitofbread,andthenyousaid,’HumanBeings!’“
第48章