首页 >出版文学> The Voyage Out>第48章

第48章

  Asifwashedbytheairhervoicesoundedmorespiritualandsofterthanusual。Voicesatalittledistanceansweredher,“Yes。“
  Throughthedarknessshewaslookingatthemboth,andtryingtodistinguishhim。Whatwasthereforhertosay?Rachelhadpassedbeyondherguardianship。Avoicemightreachherears,butneveragainwoulditcarryasfarasithadcarriedtwenty-fourhoursago。
  Nevertheless,speechseemedtobeduefromherbeforeshewenttobed。
  Shewishedtospeak,butshefeltstrangelyoldanddepressed。
  “D’yourealisewhatyou’redoing?“shedemanded。“She’syoung,you’rebothyoung;andmarriage——“Heresheceased。Theybeggedher,however,tocontinue,withsuchearnestnessintheirvoices,asiftheyonlycravedadvice,thatshewasledtoadd:
  “Marriage!well,it’snoteasy。“
  “That’swhatwewanttoknow,“theyanswered,andsheguessedthatnowtheywerelookingateachother。
  “Itdependsonbothofyou,“shestated。HerfacewasturnedtowardsTerence,andalthoughhecouldhardlyseeher,hebelievedthatherwordsreallycoveredagenuinedesiretoknowmoreabouthim。
  Heraisedhimselffromhissemi-recumbentpositionandproceededtotellherwhatshewantedtoknow。Hespokeaslightlyashecouldinordertotakeawayherdepression。
  “I’mtwenty-seven,andI’veaboutsevenhundredayear,“hebegan。
  “Mytemperisgoodonthewhole,andhealthexcellent,thoughHirstdetectsagoutytendency。Well,then,IthinkI’mveryintelligent。“
  Hepausedasifforconfirmation。
  Helenagreed。
  “Though,unfortunately,ratherlazy。IintendtoallowRacheltobeafoolifshewantsto,and——Doyoufindmeonthewholesatisfactoryinotherrespects?“heaskedshyly。
  “Yes,IlikewhatIknowofyou,“Helenreplied。
  “Butthen——oneknowssolittle。“
  “WeshallliveinLondon,“hecontinued,“and——“Withonevoicetheysuddenlyenquiredwhethershedidnotthinkthemthehappiestpeoplethatshehadeverknown。
  “Hush,“shecheckedthem,“Mrs。Flushing,remember。She’sbehindus。“
  Thentheyfellsilent,andTerenceandRachelfeltinstinctivelythattheirhappinesshadmadehersad,and,whiletheywereanxioustogoontalkingaboutthemselves,theydidnotliketo。
  “We’vetalkedtoomuchaboutourselves,“Terencesaid。“Tellus——“
  “Yes,tellus——“Rachelechoed。Theywerebothinthemoodtobelievethateveryonewascapableofsayingsomethingveryprofound。
  “WhatcanItellyou?“Helenreflected,speakingmoretoherselfinaramblingstylethanasaprophetessdeliveringamessage。
  Sheforcedherselftospeak。
  “Afterall,thoughIscoldRachel,I’mnotmuchwisermyself。
  I’molder,ofcourse,I’mhalf-waythrough,andyou’rejustbeginning。
  It’spuzzling——sometimes,Ithink,disappointing;thegreatthingsaren’tasgreat,perhaps,asoneexpects——butit’sinteresting——
  Oh,yes,you’recertaintofinditinteresting——Andsoitgoeson,“
  theybecameconscioushereoftheprocessionofdarktreesintowhich,asfarastheycouldsee,Helenwasnowlooking,“andtherearepleasureswhereonedoesn’texpectthemyoumustwritetoyourfather,andyou’llbeveryhappy,I’venodoubt。ButImustgotobed,andifyouaresensibleyouwillfollowintenminutes,andso,“
  sheroseandstoodbeforethem,almostfeaturelessandverylarge,“Good-night。“Shepassedbehindthecurtain。
  Aftersittinginsilenceforthegreaterpartofthetenminutessheallowedthem,theyroseandhungovertherail。Beneaththemthesmoothblackwaterslippedawayveryfastandsilently。
  Thesparkofacigarettevanishedbehindthem。“Abeautifulvoice,“
  Terencemurmured。
  Rachelassented。Helenhadabeautifulvoice。
  Afterasilencesheasked,lookingupintothesky,“AreweonthedeckofasteameronariverinSouthAmerica?AmIRachel,areyouTerence?“
  Thegreatblackworldlayroundthem。Astheyweredrawnsmoothlyalongitseemedpossessedofimmensethicknessandendurance。
  Theycoulddiscernpointedtree-topsandbluntroundedtree-tops。
  Raisingtheireyesabovethetrees,theyfixedthemonthestarsandthepaleborderofskyabovethetrees。Thelittlepointsoffrostylightinfinitelyfarawaydrewtheireyesandheldthemfixed,sothatitseemedasiftheystayedalongtimeandfellagreatdistancewhenoncemoretheyrealisedtheirhandsgraspingtherailandtheirseparatebodiesstandingsidebyside。
  “You’dforgottencompletelyaboutme,“Terencereproachedher,takingherarmandbeginningtopacethedeck,“andIneverforgetyou。“
  “Oh,no,“shewhispered,shehadnotforgotten,onlythestars——
  thenight——thedark——
  “You’relikeabirdhalfasleepinitsnest,Rachel。You’reasleep。
  You’retalkinginyoursleep。“
  Halfasleep,andmurmuringbrokenwords,theystoodintheanglemadebythebowoftheboat。Itslippedondowntheriver。
  Nowabellstruckonthebridge,andtheyheardthelappingofwaterasitrippledawayoneitherside,andonceabirdstartledinitssleepcreaked,flewontothenexttree,andwassilentagain。
  Thedarknesspoureddownprofusely,andleftthemwithscarcelyanyfeelingoflife,exceptthattheywerestandingtheretogetherinthedarkness。
  Thedarknessfell,butroseagain,andaseachdayspreadwidelyovertheearthandpartedthemfromthestrangedayintheforestwhentheyhadbeenforcedtotelleachotherwhattheywanted,thiswishoftheirswasrevealedtootherpeople,andintheprocessbecameslightlystrangetothemselves。Apparentlyitwasnotanythingunusualthathadhappened;itwasthattheyhadbecomeengagedtomarryeachother。Theworld,whichconsistedforthemostpartofthehotelandthevilla,expresseditselfgladonthewholethattwopeopleshouldmarry,andallowedthemtoseethattheywerenotexpectedtotakepartintheworkwhichhastobedoneinorderthattheworldshallgoon,butmightabsentthemselvesforatime。
  Theywereaccordinglyleftaloneuntiltheyfeltthesilenceasif,playinginavastchurch,thedoorhadbeenshutonthem。
  Theyweredriventowalkalone,andsitalone,tovisitsecretplaceswheretheflowershadneverbeenpickedandthetreesweresolitary。
  Insolitudetheycouldexpressthosebeautifulbuttoovastdesireswhichweresooddlyuncomfortabletotheearsofothermenandwomen——
  desiresforaworld,suchastheirownworldwhichcontainedtwopeopleseemedtothemtobe,wherepeoplekneweachotherintimatelyandthusjudgedeachotherbywhatwasgood,andneverquarrelled,becausethatwaswasteoftime。
  Theywouldtalkofsuchquestionsamongbooks,oroutinthesun,orsittingintheshadeofatreeundisturbed。Theywerenolongerembarrassed,orhalf-chokedwithmeaningwhichcouldnotexpressitself;theywerenotafraidofeachother,or,liketravellersdownatwistingriver,dazzledwithsuddenbeautieswhenthecorneristurned;theunexpectedhappened,buteventheordinarywaslovable,andinmanywayspreferabletotheecstaticandmysterious,foritwasrefreshinglysolid,andcalledouteffort,andeffortundersuchcircumstanceswasnoteffortbutdelight。
  WhileRachelplayedthepiano,Terencesatnearher,engaged,asfarastheoccasionalwritingofawordinpenciltestified,inshapingtheworldasitappearedtohimnowthatheandRachelweregoingtobemarried。Itwasdifferentcertainly。Thebookcalled_Silence_wouldnotnowbethesamebookthatitwouldhavebeen。Hewouldthenputdownhispencilandstareinfrontofhim,andwonderinwhatrespectstheworldwasdifferent——
  ithad,perhaps,moresolidity,morecoherence,moreimportance,greaterdepth。Why,eventheearthsometimesseemedtohimverydeep;
  notcarvedintohillsandcitiesandfields,butheapedingreatmasses。
  Hewouldlookoutofthewindowfortenminutesatatime;butno,hedidnotcarefortheearthsweptofhumanbeings。Helikedhumanbeings——
  helikedthem,hesuspected,betterthanRacheldid。Thereshewas,swayingenthusiasticallyoverhermusic,quiteforgetfulofhim,——
  buthelikedthatqualityinher。Helikedtheimpersonalitywhichitproducedinher。Atlast,havingwrittendownaseriesoflittlesentences,withnotesofinterrogationattachedtothem,heobservedaloud,“’Women——’undertheheadingWomenI’vewritten:
  “’Notreallyvainerthanmen。Lackofself-confidenceatthebaseofmostseriousfaults。Dislikeofownsextraditional,orfoundedonfact?Everywomannotsomucharakeatheart,asanoptimist,becausetheydon’tthink。’Whatdoyousay,Rachel?“Hepausedwithhispencilinhishandandasheetofpaperonhisknee。
  Rachelsaidnothing。UpandupthesteepspiralofaverylateBeethovensonatasheclimbed,likeapersonascendingaruinedstaircase,energeticallyatfirst,thenmorelaboriouslyadvancingherfeetwitheffortuntilshecouldgonohigherandreturnedwitharuntobeginattheverybottomagain。
  “’Again,it’sthefashionnowtosaythatwomenaremorepracticalandlessidealisticthanmen,alsothattheyhaveconsiderableorganisingabilitybutnosenseofhonour’——query,whatismeantbymasculineterm,honour?——whatcorrespondstoitinyoursex?Eh?“
  Attackingherstaircaseoncemore,Rachelagainneglectedthisopportunityofrevealingthesecretsofhersex。
  Shehad,indeed,advancedsofarinthepursuitofwisdomthatsheallowedthesesecretstorestundisturbed;itseemedtobereservedforalatergenerationtodiscussthemphilosophically。
  Crashingdownafinalchordwithherlefthand,sheexclaimedatlast,swingingrounduponhim:
  “No,Terence,it’snogood;hereamI,thebestmusicianinSouthAmerica,nottospeakofEuropeandAsia,andIcan’tplayanotebecauseofyouintheroominterruptingmeeveryothersecond。“
  “Youdon’tseemtorealisethatthat’swhatI’vebeenaimingatforthelasthalf-hour,“heremarked。“I’venoobjectiontonicesimpletunes——indeed,Ifindthemveryhelpfultomyliterarycomposition,butthatkindofthingismerelylikeanunfortunateolddoggoingroundonitshindlegsintherain。“
  Hebeganturningoverthelittlesheetsofnote-paperwhichwerescatteredonthetable,conveyingthecongratulationsoftheirfriends。
  “’——allpossiblewishesforallpossiblehappiness,’“heread;
  “correct,butnotveryvivid,arethey?“
  “They’resheernonsense!“Rachelexclaimed。“Thinkofwordscomparedwithsounds!“shecontinued。“Thinkofnovelsandplaysandhistories——“Perchedontheedgeofthetable,shestirredtheredandyellowvolumescontemptuously。Sheseemedtoherselftobeinapositionwhereshecoulddespiseallhumanlearning。
  Terencelookedatthemtoo。
  “God,Rachel,youdoreadtrash!“heexclaimed。“Andyou’rebehindthetimestoo,mydear。Noonedreamsofreadingthiskindofthingnow——antiquatedproblemplays,harrowingdescriptionsoflifeintheeastend——oh,no,we’veexplodedallthat。
  Readpoetry,Rachel,poetry,poetry,poetry!“
  Pickinguponeofthebooks,hebegantoreadaloud,hisintentionbeingtosatirisetheshortsharpbarkofthewriter’sEnglish;
  butshepaidnoattention,andafteranintervalofmeditationexclaimed:
  “Doesiteverseemtoyou,Terence,thattheworldiscomposedentirelyofvastblocksofmatter,andthatwe’renothingbutpatchesoflight——“shelookedatthesoftspotsofsunwaveringoverthecarpetandupthewall——“likethat?“
  “No,“saidTerence,“Ifeelsolid;immenselysolid;thelegsofmychairmightberootedinthebowelsoftheearth。ButatCambridge,Icanremember,thereweretimeswhenonefellintoridiculousstatesofsemi-comaaboutfiveo’clockinthemorning。Hirstdoesnow,Iexpect——oh,no,Hirstwouldn’t。“
  Rachelcontinued,“Thedayyournotecame,askingustogoonthepicnic,Iwassittingwhereyou’resittingnow,thinkingthat;
  IwonderifIcouldthinkthatagain?Iwonderiftheworld’schanged?
  andifso,whenit’llstopchanging,andwhichistherealworld?“
  “WhenIfirstsawyou,“hebegan,“Ithoughtyouwerelikeacreaturewho’dlivedallitslifeamongpearlsandoldbones。
  Yourhandswerewet,d’youremember,andyouneversaidaworduntilIgaveyouabitofbread,andthenyousaid,’HumanBeings!’“