首页 >出版文学> The Voyage Out>第43章

第43章

  “Iwasjustsayingthatpeoplearesoliketheirboots,“
  saidMissAllan。Mrs。Paleydidnothear。Sherepeateditmoreloudlystill。Mrs。Paleydidnothear。Sherepeateditathirdtime。Mrs。Paleyheard,butshedidnotunderstand。
  Shewasapparentlyabouttorepeatitforthefourthtime,whenRachelsuddenlysaidsomethinginarticulate,anddisappeareddownthecorridor。Thismisunderstanding,whichinvolvedacompleteblockinthepassage,seemedtoherunbearable。Shewalkedquicklyandblindlyintheoppositedirection,andfoundherselfattheendofa_cul__de__sac_。Therewasawindow,andatableandachairinthewindow,anduponthetablestoodarustyinkstand,anashtray,anoldcopyofaFrenchnewspaper,andapenwithabrokennib。Rachelsatdown,asiftostudytheFrenchnewspaper,butatearfellontheblurredFrenchprint,raisingasoftblot。
  Sheliftedherheadsharply,exclaimingaloud,“It’sintolerable!“
  Lookingoutofthewindowwitheyesthatwouldhaveseennothingevenhadtheynotbeendazedbytears,sheindulgedherselfatlastinviolentabuseoftheentireday。Ithadbeenmiserablefromstarttofinish;first,theserviceinthechapel;thenluncheon;
  thenEvelyn;thenMissAllan;thenoldMrs。Paleyblockingupthepassage。Alldaylongshehadbeentantalizedandputoff。
  Shehadnowreachedoneofthoseeminences,theresultofsomecrisis,fromwhichtheworldisfinallydisplayedinitstrueproportions。
  Shedislikedthelookofitimmensely——churches,politicians,misfits,andhugeimpostures——menlikeMr。Dalloway,menlikeMr。Bax,Evelynandherchatter,Mrs。Paleyblockingupthepassage。
  Meanwhilethesteadybeatofherownpulserepresentedthehotcurrentoffeelingthatrandownbeneath;beating,struggling,fretting。
  Forthetime,herownbodywasthesourceofallthelifeintheworld,whichtriedtoburstforthhere——there——andwasrepressednowbyMr。Bax,nowbyEvelyn,nowbytheimpositionofponderousstupidity,theweightoftheentireworld。Thustormented,shewouldtwistherhandstogether,forallthingswerewrong,allpeoplestupid。
  Vaguelyseeingthattherewerepeopledowninthegardenbeneathsherepresentedthemasaimlessmassesofmatter,floatinghitherandthither,withoutaimexcepttoimpedeher。Whatweretheydoing,thoseotherpeopleintheworld?
  “Nobodyknows,“shesaid。Theforceofherragewasbeginningtospenditself,andthevisionoftheworldwhichhadbeensovividbecamedim。
  “It’sadream,“shemurmured。Sheconsideredtherustyinkstand,thepen,theash-tray,andtheoldFrenchnewspaper。Thesesmallandworthlessobjectsseemedtohertorepresenthumanlives。
  “We’reasleepanddreaming,“sherepeated。ButthepossibilitywhichnowsuggesteditselfthatoneoftheshapesmightbetheshapeofTerencerousedherfromhermelancholylethargy。
  Shebecameasrestlessasshehadbeenbeforeshesatdown。Shewasnolongerabletoseetheworldasatownlaidoutbeneathher。
  Itwascoveredinsteadbyahazeoffeverishredmist。Shehadreturnedtothestateinwhichshehadbeenallday。Thinkingwasnoescape。Physicalmovementwastheonlyrefuge,inandoutofrooms,inandoutofpeople’sminds,seekingsheknewnotwhat。
  Thereforesherose,pushedbackthetable,andwentdownstairs。
  Shewentoutofthehalldoor,and,turningthecornerofthehotel,foundherselfamongthepeoplewhomshehadseenfromthewindow。
  Butowingtothebroadsunshineaftershadedpassages,andtothesubstanceoflivingpeopleafterdreams,thegroupappearedwithstartlingintensity,asthoughthedustysurfacehadbeenpeeledoffeverything,leavingonlytherealityandtheinstant。
  Ithadthelookofavisionprintedonthedarkatnight。
  Whiteandgreyandpurplefigureswerescatteredonthegreen,roundwickertables,inthemiddletheflameofthetea-urnmadetheairwaverlikeafaultysheetofglass,amassivegreentreestoodoverthemasifitwereamovingforceheldatrest。
  Assheapproached,shecouldhearEvelyn’svoicerepeatingmonotonously,“Herethen——here——gooddoggie,comehere“;foramomentnothingseemedtohappen;itallstoodstill,andthensherealisedthatoneofthefigureswasHelenAmbrose;andthedustagainbegantosettle。
  Thegroupindeedhadcometogetherinamiscellaneousway;
  onetea-tablejoiningtoanothertea-table,anddeck-chairsservingtoconnecttwogroups。ButevenatadistanceitcouldbeseenthatMrs。Flushing,uprightandimperious,dominatedtheparty。
  ShewastalkingvehementlytoHelenacrossthetable。
  “Tendaysundercanvas,“shewassaying。“Nocomforts。Ifyouwantcomforts,don’tcome。ButImaytellyou,ifyoudon’tcomeyou’llregretitallyourlife。Yousayyes?“
  AtthismomentMrs。FlushingcaughtsightofRachel。
  “Ah,there’syourniece。She’spromised。You’recoming,aren’tyou?“
  Havingadoptedtheplan,shepursueditwiththeenergyofachild。
  Racheltookherpartwitheagerness。
  “OfcourseI’mcoming。Soareyou,Helen。AndMr。Peppertoo。“
  Asshesatsherealisedthatshewassurroundedbypeoplesheknew,butthatTerencewasnotamongthem。Fromvariousanglespeoplebegansayingwhattheythoughtoftheproposedexpedition。
  Accordingtosomeitwouldbehot,butthenightswouldbecold;
  accordingtoothers,thedifficultieswouldlieratheringettingaboat,andinspeakingthelanguage。Mrs。Flushingdisposedofallobjections,whetherduetomanorduetonature,byannouncingthatherhusbandwouldsettleallthat。
  MeanwhileMr。FlushingquietlyexplainedtoHelenthattheexpeditionwasreallyasimplematter;ittookfivedaysattheoutside;
  andtheplace——anativevillage——wascertainlywellworthseeingbeforeshereturnedtoEngland。Helenmurmuredambiguously,anddidnotcommitherselftooneanswerratherthantoanother。
  Thetea-party,however,includedtoomanydifferentkindsofpeopleforgeneralconversationtoflourish;andfromRachel’spointofviewpossessedthegreatadvantagethatitwasquiteunnecessaryforhertotalk。OverthereSusanandArthurwereexplainingtoMrs。Paleythatanexpeditionhadbeenproposed;andMrs。Paleyhavinggraspedthefact,gavetheadviceofanoldtravellerthattheyshouldtakenicecannedvegetables,furcloaks,andinsectpowder。
  SheleantovertoMrs。Flushingandwhisperedsomethingwhichfromthetwinkleinhereyesprobablyhadreferencetobugs。
  ThenHelenwasreciting“TollfortheBrave“toSt。JohnHirst,inorderapparentlytowinasixpencewhichlayuponthetable;
  whileMr。HughlingElliotimposedsilenceuponhissectionoftheaudiencebyhisfascinatinganecdoteofLordCurzonandtheundergraduate’sbicycle。Mrs。ThornburywastryingtorememberthenameofamanwhomighthavebeenanotherGaribaldi,andhadwrittenabookwhichtheyoughttoread;andMr。Thornburyrecollectedthathehadapairofbinocularsatanybody’sservice。
  MissAllanmeanwhilemurmuredwiththecuriousintimacywhichaspinsteroftenachieveswithdogs,tothefox-terrierwhichEvelynhadatlastinducedtocomeovertothem。Littleparticlesofdustorblossomfellontheplatesnowandthenwhenthebranchessighedabove。
  Rachelseemedtoseeandhearalittleofeverything,muchasariverfeelsthetwigsthatfallintoitandseestheskyabove,buthereyesweretoovagueforEvelyn’sliking。Shecameacross,andsatonthegroundatRachel’sfeet。
  “Well?“sheaskedsuddenly。“Whatareyouthinkingabout?“
  “MissWarrington,“Rachelrepliedrashly,becauseshehadtosaysomething。ShedidindeedseeSusanmurmuringtoMrs。Elliot,whileArthurstaredatherwithcompleteconfidenceinhisownlove。
  BothRachelandEvelynthenbegantolistentowhatSusanwassaying。
  “There’stheorderingandthedogsandthegarden,andthechildrencomingtobetaught,“hervoiceproceededrhythmicallyasifcheckingthelist,“andmytennis,andthevillage,andletterstowriteforfather,andathousandlittlethingsthatdon’tsoundmuch;
  butIneverhaveamomenttomyself,andwhenIgottobed,I’msosleepyI’moffbeforemyheadtouchesthepillow。BesidesI
  liketobeagreatdealwithmyAunts——I’magreatbore,aren’tI,AuntEmma?“shesmiledatoldMrs。Paley,whowithheadslightlydroopedwasregardingthecakewithspeculativeaffection,“andfatherhastobeverycarefulaboutchillsinwinterwhichmeansagreatdealofrunningabout,becausehewon’tlookafterhimself,anymorethanyouwill,Arthur!Soitallmountsup!“
  Hervoicemountedtoo,inamildecstasyofsatisfactionwithherlifeandherownnature。RachelsuddenlytookaviolentdisliketoSusan,ignoringallthatwaskindly,modest,andevenpatheticabouther。
  Sheappearedinsincereandcruel;shesawhergrownstoutandprolific,thekindblueeyesnowshallowandwatery,thebloomofthecheekscongealedtoanetworkofdryredcanals。
  Helenturnedtoher。“Didyougotochurch?“sheasked。
  Shehadwonhersixpenceandseemedmakingreadytogo。
  “Yes,“saidRachel。“Forthelasttime,“sheadded。
  Inpreparingtoputonhergloves,Helendroppedone。
  “You’renotgoing?“Evelynasked,takingholdofonegloveasiftokeepthem。
  “It’shightimewewent,“saidHelen。“Don’tyouseehowsilenteveryone’sgetting——?“
  Asilencehadfallenuponthemall,causedpartlybyoneoftheaccidentsoftalk,andpartlybecausetheysawsomeoneapproaching。
  Helencouldnotseewhoitwas,butkeepinghereyesfixeduponRachelobservedsomethingwhichmadehersaytoherself,“Soit’sHewet。“
  Shedrewonhergloveswithacurioussenseofthesignificanceofthemoment。Thensherose,forMrs。FlushinghadseenHewettoo,andwasdemandinginformationaboutriversandboatswhichshowedthatthewholeconversationwouldnowcomeoveragain。
  Rachelfollowedher,andtheywalkedinsilencedowntheavenue。
  InspiteofwhatHelenhadseenandunderstood,thefeelingthatwasuppermostinhermindwasnowcuriouslyperverse;ifshewentonthisexpedition,shewouldnotbeabletohaveabath,theeffortappearedtohertobegreatanddisagreeable。
  “It’ssounpleasant,beingcoopedupwithpeopleonehardlyknows,“
  sheremarked。“Peoplewhomindbeingseennaked。“
  “Youdon’tmeantogo?“Rachelasked。
  TheintensitywithwhichthiswasspokenirritatedMrs。Ambrose。
  “Idon’tmeantogo,andIdon’tmeannottogo,“shereplied。
  Shebecamemoreandmorecasualandindifferent。
  “Afterall,Idaresaywe’veseenallthereistobeseen;
  andthere’sthebotherofgettingthere,andwhatevertheymaysayit’sboundtobevilelyuncomfortable。“
  ForsometimeRachelmadenoreply;buteverysentenceHelenspokeincreasedherbitterness。Atlastshebrokeout——
  “ThankGod,Helen,I’mnotlikeyou!Isometimesthinkyoudon’tthinkorfeelorcaretodoanythingbutexist!You’relikeMr。Hirst。
  Youseethatthingsarebad,andyouprideyourselfonsayingso。
  It’swhatyoucallbeinghonest;asamatteroffactit’sbeinglazy,beingdull,beingnothing。Youdon’thelp;youputanendtothings。“
  Helensmiledasifsheratherenjoyedtheattack。
  “Well?“sheenquired。
  “Itseemstomebad——that’sall,“Rachelreplied。
  “Quitelikely,“saidHelen。
  AtanyothertimeRachelwouldprobablyhavebeensilencedbyherAunt’scandour;butthisafternoonshewasnotinthemoodtobesilencedbyanyone。Aquarrelwouldbewelcome。
  “You’reonlyhalfalive,“shecontinued。
  “IsthatbecauseIdidn’tacceptMr。Flushing’sinvitation?“
  Helenasked,“ordoyoualwaysthinkthat?“
  AtthemomentitappearedtoRachelthatshehadalwaysseenthesamefaultsinHelen,fromtheveryfirstnightonboardthe_Euphrosyne_,inspiteofherbeauty,inspiteofhermagnanimityandtheirlove。
  “Oh,it’sonlywhat’sthematterwitheveryone!“sheexclaimed。
  “Noonefeels——noonedoesanythingbuthurt。Itellyou,Helen,theworld’sbad。It’sanagony,living,wanting——“
  Hereshetoreahandfulofleavesfromabushandcrushedthemtocontrolherself。