“Iwasjustsayingthatpeoplearesoliketheirboots,“
saidMissAllan。Mrs。Paleydidnothear。Sherepeateditmoreloudlystill。Mrs。Paleydidnothear。Sherepeateditathirdtime。Mrs。Paleyheard,butshedidnotunderstand。
Shewasapparentlyabouttorepeatitforthefourthtime,whenRachelsuddenlysaidsomethinginarticulate,anddisappeareddownthecorridor。Thismisunderstanding,whichinvolvedacompleteblockinthepassage,seemedtoherunbearable。Shewalkedquicklyandblindlyintheoppositedirection,andfoundherselfattheendofa_cul__de__sac_。Therewasawindow,andatableandachairinthewindow,anduponthetablestoodarustyinkstand,anashtray,anoldcopyofaFrenchnewspaper,andapenwithabrokennib。Rachelsatdown,asiftostudytheFrenchnewspaper,butatearfellontheblurredFrenchprint,raisingasoftblot。
Sheliftedherheadsharply,exclaimingaloud,“It’sintolerable!“
Lookingoutofthewindowwitheyesthatwouldhaveseennothingevenhadtheynotbeendazedbytears,sheindulgedherselfatlastinviolentabuseoftheentireday。Ithadbeenmiserablefromstarttofinish;first,theserviceinthechapel;thenluncheon;
thenEvelyn;thenMissAllan;thenoldMrs。Paleyblockingupthepassage。Alldaylongshehadbeentantalizedandputoff。
Shehadnowreachedoneofthoseeminences,theresultofsomecrisis,fromwhichtheworldisfinallydisplayedinitstrueproportions。
Shedislikedthelookofitimmensely——churches,politicians,misfits,andhugeimpostures——menlikeMr。Dalloway,menlikeMr。Bax,Evelynandherchatter,Mrs。Paleyblockingupthepassage。
Meanwhilethesteadybeatofherownpulserepresentedthehotcurrentoffeelingthatrandownbeneath;beating,struggling,fretting。
Forthetime,herownbodywasthesourceofallthelifeintheworld,whichtriedtoburstforthhere——there——andwasrepressednowbyMr。Bax,nowbyEvelyn,nowbytheimpositionofponderousstupidity,theweightoftheentireworld。Thustormented,shewouldtwistherhandstogether,forallthingswerewrong,allpeoplestupid。
Vaguelyseeingthattherewerepeopledowninthegardenbeneathsherepresentedthemasaimlessmassesofmatter,floatinghitherandthither,withoutaimexcepttoimpedeher。Whatweretheydoing,thoseotherpeopleintheworld?
“Nobodyknows,“shesaid。Theforceofherragewasbeginningtospenditself,andthevisionoftheworldwhichhadbeensovividbecamedim。
“It’sadream,“shemurmured。Sheconsideredtherustyinkstand,thepen,theash-tray,andtheoldFrenchnewspaper。Thesesmallandworthlessobjectsseemedtohertorepresenthumanlives。
“We’reasleepanddreaming,“sherepeated。ButthepossibilitywhichnowsuggesteditselfthatoneoftheshapesmightbetheshapeofTerencerousedherfromhermelancholylethargy。
Shebecameasrestlessasshehadbeenbeforeshesatdown。Shewasnolongerabletoseetheworldasatownlaidoutbeneathher。
Itwascoveredinsteadbyahazeoffeverishredmist。Shehadreturnedtothestateinwhichshehadbeenallday。Thinkingwasnoescape。Physicalmovementwastheonlyrefuge,inandoutofrooms,inandoutofpeople’sminds,seekingsheknewnotwhat。
Thereforesherose,pushedbackthetable,andwentdownstairs。
Shewentoutofthehalldoor,and,turningthecornerofthehotel,foundherselfamongthepeoplewhomshehadseenfromthewindow。
Butowingtothebroadsunshineaftershadedpassages,andtothesubstanceoflivingpeopleafterdreams,thegroupappearedwithstartlingintensity,asthoughthedustysurfacehadbeenpeeledoffeverything,leavingonlytherealityandtheinstant。
Ithadthelookofavisionprintedonthedarkatnight。
Whiteandgreyandpurplefigureswerescatteredonthegreen,roundwickertables,inthemiddletheflameofthetea-urnmadetheairwaverlikeafaultysheetofglass,amassivegreentreestoodoverthemasifitwereamovingforceheldatrest。
Assheapproached,shecouldhearEvelyn’svoicerepeatingmonotonously,“Herethen——here——gooddoggie,comehere“;foramomentnothingseemedtohappen;itallstoodstill,andthensherealisedthatoneofthefigureswasHelenAmbrose;andthedustagainbegantosettle。
Thegroupindeedhadcometogetherinamiscellaneousway;
onetea-tablejoiningtoanothertea-table,anddeck-chairsservingtoconnecttwogroups。ButevenatadistanceitcouldbeseenthatMrs。Flushing,uprightandimperious,dominatedtheparty。
ShewastalkingvehementlytoHelenacrossthetable。
“Tendaysundercanvas,“shewassaying。“Nocomforts。Ifyouwantcomforts,don’tcome。ButImaytellyou,ifyoudon’tcomeyou’llregretitallyourlife。Yousayyes?“
AtthismomentMrs。FlushingcaughtsightofRachel。
“Ah,there’syourniece。She’spromised。You’recoming,aren’tyou?“
Havingadoptedtheplan,shepursueditwiththeenergyofachild。
Racheltookherpartwitheagerness。
“OfcourseI’mcoming。Soareyou,Helen。AndMr。Peppertoo。“
Asshesatsherealisedthatshewassurroundedbypeoplesheknew,butthatTerencewasnotamongthem。Fromvariousanglespeoplebegansayingwhattheythoughtoftheproposedexpedition。
Accordingtosomeitwouldbehot,butthenightswouldbecold;
accordingtoothers,thedifficultieswouldlieratheringettingaboat,andinspeakingthelanguage。Mrs。Flushingdisposedofallobjections,whetherduetomanorduetonature,byannouncingthatherhusbandwouldsettleallthat。
MeanwhileMr。FlushingquietlyexplainedtoHelenthattheexpeditionwasreallyasimplematter;ittookfivedaysattheoutside;
andtheplace——anativevillage——wascertainlywellworthseeingbeforeshereturnedtoEngland。Helenmurmuredambiguously,anddidnotcommitherselftooneanswerratherthantoanother。
Thetea-party,however,includedtoomanydifferentkindsofpeopleforgeneralconversationtoflourish;andfromRachel’spointofviewpossessedthegreatadvantagethatitwasquiteunnecessaryforhertotalk。OverthereSusanandArthurwereexplainingtoMrs。Paleythatanexpeditionhadbeenproposed;andMrs。Paleyhavinggraspedthefact,gavetheadviceofanoldtravellerthattheyshouldtakenicecannedvegetables,furcloaks,andinsectpowder。
SheleantovertoMrs。Flushingandwhisperedsomethingwhichfromthetwinkleinhereyesprobablyhadreferencetobugs。
ThenHelenwasreciting“TollfortheBrave“toSt。JohnHirst,inorderapparentlytowinasixpencewhichlayuponthetable;
whileMr。HughlingElliotimposedsilenceuponhissectionoftheaudiencebyhisfascinatinganecdoteofLordCurzonandtheundergraduate’sbicycle。Mrs。ThornburywastryingtorememberthenameofamanwhomighthavebeenanotherGaribaldi,andhadwrittenabookwhichtheyoughttoread;andMr。Thornburyrecollectedthathehadapairofbinocularsatanybody’sservice。
MissAllanmeanwhilemurmuredwiththecuriousintimacywhichaspinsteroftenachieveswithdogs,tothefox-terrierwhichEvelynhadatlastinducedtocomeovertothem。Littleparticlesofdustorblossomfellontheplatesnowandthenwhenthebranchessighedabove。
Rachelseemedtoseeandhearalittleofeverything,muchasariverfeelsthetwigsthatfallintoitandseestheskyabove,buthereyesweretoovagueforEvelyn’sliking。Shecameacross,andsatonthegroundatRachel’sfeet。
“Well?“sheaskedsuddenly。“Whatareyouthinkingabout?“
“MissWarrington,“Rachelrepliedrashly,becauseshehadtosaysomething。ShedidindeedseeSusanmurmuringtoMrs。Elliot,whileArthurstaredatherwithcompleteconfidenceinhisownlove。
BothRachelandEvelynthenbegantolistentowhatSusanwassaying。
“There’stheorderingandthedogsandthegarden,andthechildrencomingtobetaught,“hervoiceproceededrhythmicallyasifcheckingthelist,“andmytennis,andthevillage,andletterstowriteforfather,andathousandlittlethingsthatdon’tsoundmuch;
butIneverhaveamomenttomyself,andwhenIgottobed,I’msosleepyI’moffbeforemyheadtouchesthepillow。BesidesI
liketobeagreatdealwithmyAunts——I’magreatbore,aren’tI,AuntEmma?“shesmiledatoldMrs。Paley,whowithheadslightlydroopedwasregardingthecakewithspeculativeaffection,“andfatherhastobeverycarefulaboutchillsinwinterwhichmeansagreatdealofrunningabout,becausehewon’tlookafterhimself,anymorethanyouwill,Arthur!Soitallmountsup!“
Hervoicemountedtoo,inamildecstasyofsatisfactionwithherlifeandherownnature。RachelsuddenlytookaviolentdisliketoSusan,ignoringallthatwaskindly,modest,andevenpatheticabouther。
Sheappearedinsincereandcruel;shesawhergrownstoutandprolific,thekindblueeyesnowshallowandwatery,thebloomofthecheekscongealedtoanetworkofdryredcanals。
Helenturnedtoher。“Didyougotochurch?“sheasked。
Shehadwonhersixpenceandseemedmakingreadytogo。
“Yes,“saidRachel。“Forthelasttime,“sheadded。
Inpreparingtoputonhergloves,Helendroppedone。
“You’renotgoing?“Evelynasked,takingholdofonegloveasiftokeepthem。
“It’shightimewewent,“saidHelen。“Don’tyouseehowsilenteveryone’sgetting——?“
Asilencehadfallenuponthemall,causedpartlybyoneoftheaccidentsoftalk,andpartlybecausetheysawsomeoneapproaching。
Helencouldnotseewhoitwas,butkeepinghereyesfixeduponRachelobservedsomethingwhichmadehersaytoherself,“Soit’sHewet。“
Shedrewonhergloveswithacurioussenseofthesignificanceofthemoment。Thensherose,forMrs。FlushinghadseenHewettoo,andwasdemandinginformationaboutriversandboatswhichshowedthatthewholeconversationwouldnowcomeoveragain。
Rachelfollowedher,andtheywalkedinsilencedowntheavenue。
InspiteofwhatHelenhadseenandunderstood,thefeelingthatwasuppermostinhermindwasnowcuriouslyperverse;ifshewentonthisexpedition,shewouldnotbeabletohaveabath,theeffortappearedtohertobegreatanddisagreeable。
“It’ssounpleasant,beingcoopedupwithpeopleonehardlyknows,“
sheremarked。“Peoplewhomindbeingseennaked。“
“Youdon’tmeantogo?“Rachelasked。
TheintensitywithwhichthiswasspokenirritatedMrs。Ambrose。
“Idon’tmeantogo,andIdon’tmeannottogo,“shereplied。
Shebecamemoreandmorecasualandindifferent。
“Afterall,Idaresaywe’veseenallthereistobeseen;
andthere’sthebotherofgettingthere,andwhatevertheymaysayit’sboundtobevilelyuncomfortable。“
ForsometimeRachelmadenoreply;buteverysentenceHelenspokeincreasedherbitterness。Atlastshebrokeout——
“ThankGod,Helen,I’mnotlikeyou!Isometimesthinkyoudon’tthinkorfeelorcaretodoanythingbutexist!You’relikeMr。Hirst。
Youseethatthingsarebad,andyouprideyourselfonsayingso。
It’swhatyoucallbeinghonest;asamatteroffactit’sbeinglazy,beingdull,beingnothing。Youdon’thelp;youputanendtothings。“
Helensmiledasifsheratherenjoyedtheattack。
“Well?“sheenquired。
“Itseemstomebad——that’sall,“Rachelreplied。
“Quitelikely,“saidHelen。
AtanyothertimeRachelwouldprobablyhavebeensilencedbyherAunt’scandour;butthisafternoonshewasnotinthemoodtobesilencedbyanyone。Aquarrelwouldbewelcome。
“You’reonlyhalfalive,“shecontinued。
“IsthatbecauseIdidn’tacceptMr。Flushing’sinvitation?“
Helenasked,“ordoyoualwaysthinkthat?“
AtthemomentitappearedtoRachelthatshehadalwaysseenthesamefaultsinHelen,fromtheveryfirstnightonboardthe_Euphrosyne_,inspiteofherbeauty,inspiteofhermagnanimityandtheirlove。
“Oh,it’sonlywhat’sthematterwitheveryone!“sheexclaimed。
“Noonefeels——noonedoesanythingbuthurt。Itellyou,Helen,theworld’sbad。It’sanagony,living,wanting——“
Hereshetoreahandfulofleavesfromabushandcrushedthemtocontrolherself。
第43章