HOLIDAYROMANCE—INFOURPARTS
　　PARTI—INTRODUCTORYROMANCEPROMTHEPENOFWILLIAMTINKLING，ESQ。（Agedeight。）
　　THISbeginning—partisnotmadeoutofanybody’shead，youknow。
　　It’sreal。Youmustbelievethisbeginning—partmorethanwhatcomesafter，elseyouwon’tunderstandhowwhatcomesaftercametobewritten。Youmustbelieveitall；butyoumustbelievethismost，please。Iamtheeditorofit。BobRedforth（he’smycousin，andshakingthetableonpurpose）wantedtobetheeditorofit；butIsaidheshouldn’tbecausehecouldn’t。HEhasnoideaofbeinganeditor。
　　NettieAshfordismybride。Weweremarriedintheright—handclosetinthecornerofthedancing—school，wherefirstwemet，witharing（agreenone）fromWilkingwater’stoy—shop。Iowedforitoutofmypocket—money。Whentherapturousceremonywasover，weallfourwentupthelaneandletoffacannon（broughtloadedinBobRedforth’swaistcoat—pocket）toannounceournuptials。Itflewrightupwhenitwentoff，andturnedover。Nextday，Lieut。—
　　Col。RobinRedforthwasunited，withsimilarceremonies，toAliceRainbird。Thistimethecannonburstwithamostterrificexplosion，andmadeapuppybark。
　　Mypeerlessbridewas，attheperiodofwhichwenowtreat，incaptivityatMissGrimmer’s。DrowveyandGrimmeristhepartnership，andopinionisdividedwhichisthegreatestbeast。
　　Thelovelybrideofthecolonelwasalsoimmuredinthedungeonsofthesameestablishment。Avowwasenteredinto，betweenthecolonelandmyself，thatwewouldcutthemoutonthefollowingWednesdaywhenwalkingtwoandtwo。
　　Underthedesperatecircumstancesofthecase，theactivebrainofthecolonel，combiningwithhislawlesspursuit（heisapirate），suggestedanattackwithfireworks。This，however，frommotivesofhumanity，wasabandonedastooexpensive。
　　Lightlyarmedwithapaper—knifebuttonedupunderhisjacket，andwavingthedreadedblackflagattheendofacane，thecoloneltookcommandofmeattwoP。M。ontheeventfulandappointedday。
　　Hehaddrawnouttheplanofattackonapieceofpaper，whichwasrolleduproundahoop—stick。Heshowedittome。Mypositionandmyfull—lengthportrait（butmyrealearsdon’tstickouthorizontal）wasbehindacornerlamp—post，withwrittenorderstoremaintheretillIshouldseeMissDrowveyfall。TheDrowveywhowastofallwastheoneinspectacles，nottheonewiththelargelavenderbonnet。AtthatsignalIwastorushforth，seizemybride，andfightmywaytothelane。Thereajunctionwouldbeeffectedbetweenmyselfandthecolonel；andputtingourbridesbehindus，betweenourselvesandthepalings，weweretoconquerordie。
　　Theenemyappeared，—approached。Wavinghisblackflag，thecolonelattacked。Confusionensued。AnxiouslyIawaitedmysignal；butmysignalcamenot。Sofarfromfalling，thehatedDrowveyinspectaclesappearedtometohavemuffledthecolonel’sheadinhisoutlawedbanner，andtobepitchingintohimwithaparasol。Theoneinthelavenderbonnetalsoperformedprodigiesofvalourwithherfistsonhisback。Seeingthatallwasforthemomentlost，Ifoughtmydesperatewayhandtohandtothelane。
　　Throughtakingthebackroad，Iwassofortunateastomeetnobody，andarrivedthereuninterrupted。
　　Itseemedanageerethecoloneljoinedme。Hehadbeentothejobbingtailor’stobesewnupinseveralplaces，andattributedourdefeattotherefusalofthedetestedDrowveytofall。Findinghersoobstinate，hehadsaidtoher，’Die，recreant！’buthadfoundhernomoreopentoreasononthatpointthantheother。
　　Mybloomingbrideappeared，accompaniedbythecolonel’sbride，atthedancing—schoolnextday。What？Washerfaceavertedfromme？
　　Hah？Evenso。Withalookofscorn，sheputintomyhandabitofpaper，andtookanotherpartner。Onthepaperwaspencilled，’Heavens！CanIwritetheword？Ismyhusbandacow？’
　　Inthefirstbewildermentofmyheatedbrain，Itriedtothinkwhatslanderercouldhavetracedmyfamilytotheignobleanimalmentionedabove。Vainweremyendeavours。AttheendofthatdanceIwhisperedthecoloneltocomeintothecloak—room，andI
　　showedhimthenote。
　　’Thereisasyllablewanting，’saidhe，withagloomybrow。
　　’Hah！Whatsyllable？’wasmyinquiry。
　　’Sheasks，canshewritetheword？Andno；youseeshecouldn’t，’
　　saidthecolonel，pointingoutthepassage。
　　’Andthewordwas？’saidI。
　　’Cow—cow—coward，’hissedthepirate—colonelinmyear，andgavemebackthenote。
　　FeelingthatImustforevertreadtheearthabrandedboy，—
　　personImean，—orthatImustclearupmyhonour，Idemandedtobetriedbyacourt—martial。Thecoloneladmittedmyrighttobetried。Somedifficultywasfoundincomposingthecourt，onaccountoftheEmperorofFrance’sauntrefusingtolethimcomeout。Hewastobethepresident。Ereyetwehadappointedasubstitute，hemadehisescapeovertheback—wall，andstoodamongus，afreemonarch。
　　Thecourtwasheldonthegrassbythepond。Irecognised，inacertainadmiralamongmyjudges，mydeadliestfoe。Acocoa—nuthadgivenrisetolanguagethatIcouldnotbrook；butconfidinginmyinnocence，andalsointheknowledgethatthePresidentoftheUnitedStates（whosatnexthim）owedmeaknife，Ibracedmyselffortheordeal。
　　Itwasasolemnspectacle，thatcourt。Twoexecutionerswithpinaforesreversedledmein。UndertheshadeofanumbrellaI
　　perceivedmybride，supportedbythebrideofthepirate—colonel。
　　Thepresident，havingreprovedalittlefemaleensignfortittering，onamatteroflifeordeath，calleduponmetoplead，’Cowardornocoward，guiltyornotguilty？’Ipleadedinafirmtone，’Nocowardandnotguilty。’（Thelittlefemaleensignbeingagainreprovedbythepresidentformisconduct，mutinied，leftthecourt，andthrewstones。）
　　Myimplacableenemy，theadmiral，conductedthecaseagainstme。
　　Thecolonel’sbridewascalledtoprovethatIhadremainedbehindthecornerlamp—postduringtheengagement。Imighthavebeensparedtheanguishofmyownbride’sbeingalsomadeawitnesstothesamepoint，buttheadmiralknewwheretowoundme。Bestill，mysoul，nomatter。Thecolonelwasthenbroughtforwardwithhisevidence。
　　ItwasforthispointthatIhadsavedmyselfup，astheturning—
　　pointofmycase。Shakingmyselffreeofmyguards，—whohadnobusinesstoholdme，thestupids，unlessIwasfoundguilty，—I
　　askedthecolonelwhatheconsideredthefirstdutyofasoldier？
　　Erehecouldreply，thePresidentoftheUnitedStatesroseandinformedthecourt，thatmyfoe，theadmiral，hadsuggested’Bravery，’andthatpromptingawitnesswasn’tfair。Thepresidentofthecourtimmediatelyorderedtheadmiral’smouthtobefilledwithleaves，andtiedupwithstring。Ihadthesatisfactionofseeingthesentencecarriedintoeffectbeforetheproceedingswentfurther。
　　Ithentookapaperfrommytrousers—pocket，andasked，’Whatdoyouconsider，Col。Redford，thefirstdutyofasoldier？Isitobedience？’
　　’Itis，’saidthecolonel。
　　’Isthatpaper—pleasetolookatit—inyourhand？’
　　’Itis，’saidthecolonel。
　　’Isitamilitarysketch？’
　　’Itis，’saidthecolonel。
　　’Ofanengagement？’
　　’Quiteso，’saidthecolonel。
　　’Ofthelateengagement？’
　　’Ofthelateengagement。’
　　’Pleasetodescribeit，andthenhandittothepresidentofthecourt。’
　　Fromthattriumphantmomentmysufferingsandmydangerswereatanend。Thecourtroseupandjumped，ondiscoveringthatIhadstrictlyobeyedorders。Myfoe，theadmiral，whothoughmuzzledwasmalignantyet，contrivedtosuggestthatIwasdishonouredbyhavingquittedthefield。Butthecolonelhimselfhaddoneasmuch，andgavehisopinion，uponhiswordandhonourasapirate，thatwhenallwaslostthefieldmightbequittedwithoutdisgrace。
　　Iwasgoingtobefound’Nocowardandnotguilty，’andmybloomingbridewasgoingtobepubliclyrestoredtomyarmsinaprocession，whenanunlooked—foreventdisturbedthegeneralrejoicing。ThiswasnootherthantheEmperorofFrance’sauntcatchingholdofhishair。Theproceedingsabruptlyterminated，andthecourttumultuouslydissolved。
　　Itwaswhentheshadesofthenexteveningbutonewerebeginningtofall，ereyetthesilverbeamsofLunatouchedtheearth，thatfourformsmighthavebeendescriedslowlyadvancingtowardstheweepingwillowonthebordersofthepond，thenowdesertedsceneofthedaybeforeyesterday’sagoniesandtriumphs。Onanearerapproach，andbyapractisedeye，thesemighthavebeenidentifiedastheformsofthepirate—colonelwithhisbride，andofthedaybeforeyesterday’sgallantprisonerwithhisbride。
　　OnthebeauteousfacesoftheNymphsdejectionsatenthroned。Allfourreclinedunderthewillowforsomeminuteswithoutspeaking，tillatlengththebrideofthecolonelpoutinglyobserved，’It’sofnousepretendinganymore，andwehadbettergiveitup。’
　　’Hah！’exclaimedthepirate。’Pretending？’
　　’Don’tgoonlikethat；youworryme，’returnedhisbride。
　　ThelovelybrideofTinklingechoedtheincredibledeclaration。
　　Thetwowarriorsexchangedstonyglances。
　　’If，’saidthebrideofthepirate—colonel，’grown—uppeopleWON’T
　　dowhattheyoughttodo，andWILLputusout，whatcomesofourpretending？’
　　’Weonlygetintoscrapes，’saidthebrideofTinkling。
　　’Youknowverywell，’pursuedthecolonel’sbride，’thatMissDrowveywouldn’tfall。Youcomplainedofityourself。Andyouknowhowdisgracefullythecourt—martialended。Astoourmarriage；wouldmypeopleacknowledgeitathome？’
　　’Orwouldmypeopleacknowledgeours？’saidthebrideofTinkling。
　　Againthetwowarriorsexchangedstonyglances。
　　’Ifyouknockedatthedoorandclaimedme，afteryouweretoldtogoaway，’saidthecolonel’sbride，’youwouldonlyhaveyourhairpulled，oryourears，oryournose。’
　　’Ifyoupersistedinringingatthebellandclaimingme，’saidthebrideofTinklingtothatgentleman，’youwouldhavethingsdroppedonyourheadfromthewindowoverthehandle，oryouwouldbeplayeduponbythegarden—engine。’
　　’Andatyourownhomes，’resumedthebrideofthecolonel，’itwouldbejustasbad。Youwouldbesenttobed，orsomethingequallyundignified。Again，howwouldyousupportus？’
　　Thepirate—colonelrepliedinacourageousvoice，’Byrapine！’Buthisbrideretorted，’Supposethegrown—uppeoplewouldn’tberapined？’’Then，’saidthecolonel，’theyshouldpaythepenaltyinblood。’—’Butsupposetheyshouldobject，’retortedhisbride，’andwouldn’tpaythepenaltyinbloodoranythingelse？’
　　Amournfulsilenceensued。
　　’Thendoyounolongerloveme，Alice？’askedthecolonel。
　　’Redforth！Iameverthine，’returnedhisbride。
　　’Thendoyounolongerloveme，Nettie？’askedthepresentwriter。
　　’Tinkling！Iameverthine，’returnedmybride。
　　Weallfourembraced。Letmenotbemisunderstoodbythegiddy。
　　Thecolonelembracedhisownbride，andIembracedmine。Buttwotimestwomakefour。
　　’NettieandI，’saidAlicemournfully，’havebeenconsideringourposition。Thegrown—uppeoplearetoostrongforus。Theymakeusridiculous。Besides，theyhavechangedthetimes。WilliamTinkling’sbabybrotherwaschristenedyesterday。Whattookplace？
　　Wasanykingpresent？Answer，William。’
　　IsaidNo，unlessdisguisedasGreat—uncleChopper。
　　’Anyqueen？’
　　TherehadbeennoqueenthatIknewofatourhouse。Theremighthavebeenoneinthekitchen：butIdidn’tthinkso，ortheservantswouldhavementionedit。
　　’Anyfairies？’
　　Nonethatwerevisible。
　　’Wehadanideaamongus，Ithink，’saidAlice，withamelancholysmile，’wefour，thatMissGrimmerwouldprovetobethewickedfairy，andwouldcomeinatthechristeningwithhercrutch—stick，andgivethechildabadgift。Wasthereanythingofthatsort？
　　Answer，William。’
　　Isaidthatmahadsaidafterwards（andsoshehad），thatGreat—
　　uncleChopper’sgiftwasashabbyone；butshehadn’tsaidabadone。Shehadcalleditshabby，electrotyped，second—hand，andbelowhisincome。
　　’Itmustbethegrown—uppeoplewhohavechangedallthis，’saidAlice。’WEcouldn’thavechangedit，ifwehadbeensoinclined，andwenevershouldhavebeen。OrperhapsMissGrimmerISawickedfairyafterall，andwon’tactuptoitbecausethegrown—uppeoplehavepersuadedhernotto。Eitherway，theywouldmakeusridiculousifwetoldthemwhatweexpected。’
　　’Tyrants！’mutteredthepirate—colonel。
　　’Nay，myRedforth，’saidAlice，’saynotso。Callnotnames，myRedforth，ortheywillapplytopa。’
　　’Let’em，’saidthecolonel。’Idonotcare。Who’she？’
　　Tinklinghereundertooktheperiloustaskofremonstratingwithhislawlessfriend，whoconsentedtowithdrawthemoodyexpressionsabovequoted。
　　’Whatremainsforustodo？’Alicewentoninhermild，wiseway。
　　’Wemusteducate，wemustpretendinanewmanner，wemustwait。’
　　Thecolonelclenchedhisteeth，—fouroutinfront，andapieceofanother，andhehadbeentwicedraggedtothedoorofadentist—
　　despot，buthadescapedfromhisguards。’Howeducate？Howpretendinanewmanner？Howwait？’
　　’Educatethegrown—uppeople，’repliedAlice。’Wepartto—night。
　　Yes，Redforth，’—forthecoloneltuckeduphiscuffs，—’partto—
　　night！Letusinthesenextholidays，nowgoingtobegin，throwourthoughtsintosomethingeducationalforthegrown—uppeople，hintingtothemhowthingsoughttobe。Letusveilourmeaningunderamaskofromance；you，I，andNettie。WilliamTinklingbeingtheplainestandquickestwriter，shallcopyout。Isitagreed？’
　　Thecolonelansweredsulkily，’Idon’tmind。’Hethenasked，’Howaboutpretending？’
　　’Wewillpretend，’saidAlice，’thatwearechildren；notthatwearethosegrown—uppeoplewhowon’thelpusoutastheyought，andwhounderstandussobadly。’
　　Thecolonel，stillmuchdissatisfied，growled，’Howaboutwaiting？’
　　’Wewillwait，’answeredlittleAlice，takingNettie’shandinhers，andlookinguptothesky，’wewillwait—everconstantandtrue—tillthetimeshavegotsochangedasthateverythinghelpsusout，andnothingmakesusridiculous，andthefairieshavecomeback。Wewillwait—everconstantandtrue—tillweareeighty，ninety，oronehundred。AndthenthefairieswillsendUS
　　children，andwewillhelpthemout，poorprettylittlecreatures，iftheypretendeversomuch。’
　　’Sowewill，dear，’saidNettieAshford，takingherroundthewaistwithbotharmsandkissingher。’Andnowifmyhusbandwillgoandbuysomecherriesforus，Ihavegotsomemoney。’
　　InthefriendliestmannerIinvitedthecoloneltogowithme；buthesofarforgothimselfastoacknowledgetheinvitationbykickingoutbehind，andthenlyingdownonhisstomachonthegrass，pullingitupandchewingit。WhenIcameback，however，Alicehadnearlybroughthimoutofhisvexation，andwassoothinghimbytellinghimhowsoonweshouldallbeninety。
　　Aswesatunderthewillow—treeandatethecherries（fair，forAlicesharedthemout），weplayedatbeingninety。Nettiecomplainedthatshehadaboneinheroldback，anditmadeherhobble；andAlicesangasonginanoldwoman’sway，butitwasverypretty，andwewereallmerry。Atleast，Idon’tknowaboutmerryexactly，butallcomfortable。
　　Therewasamosttremendouslotofcherries；andAlicealwayshadwithhersomeneatlittlebagorboxorcase，toholdthings。Initthatnightwasatinywine—glass。SoAliceandNettiesaidtheywouldmakesomecherry—winetodrinkourloveatparting。
　　Eachofushadaglassful，anditwasdelicious；andeachofusdrankthetoast，’Ourloveatparting。’Thecoloneldrankhiswinelast；anditgotintomyheaddirectlythatitgotintohisdirectly。Anyhow，hiseyesrolledimmediatelyafterhehadturnedtheglassupsidedown；andhetookmeononesideandproposedinahoarsewhisper，thatweshould’Cut’emoutstill。’
　　’Howdidhemean？’Iaskedmylawlessfriend。
　　’Cutourbridesout，’saidthecolonel，’andthencutourway，withoutgoingdownasingleturning，bangtotheSpanishmain！’
　　Wemighthavetriedit，thoughIdidn’tthinkitwouldanswer；onlywelookedroundandsawthattherewasnothingbutmoon—lightunderthewillow—tree，andthatourpretty，prettywivesweregone。Weburstoutcrying。Thecolonelgaveinsecond，andcametofirst；
　　buthegaveinstrong。
　　Wewereashamedofourredeyes，andhungaboutforhalf—an—hourtowhitenthem。Likewiseapieceofchalkroundtherims，Idoingthecolonel’s，andhemine，butafterwardsfoundinthebedroomlooking—glassnotnatural，besidesinflammation。Ourconversationturnedonbeingninety。Thecoloneltoldmehehadapairofbootsthatwantedsolingandheeling；buthethoughtithardlyworthwhiletomentionittohisfather，ashehimselfshouldsosoonbeninety，whenhethoughtshoeswouldbemoreconvenient。Thecolonelalsotoldme，withhishanduponhiship，thathefelthimselfalreadygettingoninlife，andturningrheumatic。AndI
　　toldhimthesame。Andwhentheysaidatourhouseatsupper（theyarealwaysbotheringaboutsomething）thatIstooped，Ifeltsoglad！
　　Thisistheendofthebeginning—partthatyouweretobelievemost。
　　PARTII。—ROMANCE。FROMTHEPENOFMISSALICERAINBIRD（Agedseven。）
　　THEREwasonceaking，andhehadaqueen；andhewasthemanliestofhissex，andshewastheloveliestofhers。Thekingwas，inhisprivateprofession，undergovernment。Thequeen’sfatherhadbeenamedicalmanoutoftown。
　　Theyhadnineteenchildren，andwerealwayshavingmore。Seventeenofthesechildrentookcareofthebaby；andAlicia，theeldest，tookcareofthemall。Theiragesvariedfromsevenyearstosevenmonths。
　　Letusnowresumeourstory。
　　Onedaythekingwasgoingtotheoffice，whenhestoppedatthefishmonger’stobuyapoundandahalfofsalmonnottoonearthetail，whichthequeen（whowasacarefulhousekeeper）hadrequestedhimtosendhome。Mr。Pickles，thefishmonger，said，’Certainly，sir；isthereanyotherarticle？Good—morning。’
　　Thekingwentontowardstheofficeinamelancholymood；forquarter—daywassuchalongwayoff，andseveralofthedearchildrenweregrowingoutoftheirclothes。Hehadnotproceededfar，whenMr。Pickles’serrand—boycamerunningafterhim，andsaid，’Sir，youdidn’tnoticetheoldladyinourshop。’
　　’Whatoldlady？’inquiredtheking。’Isawnone。’
　　Nowthekinghadnotseenanyoldlady，becausethisoldladyhadbeeninvisibletohim，thoughvisibletoMr。Pickles’sboy。
　　Probablybecausehemessedandsplashedthewaterabouttothatdegree，andfloppedthepairsofsolesdowninthatviolentmanner，that，ifshehadnotbeenvisibletohim，hewouldhavespoiltherclothes。
　　Justthentheoldladycametrottingup。Shewasdressedinshot—
　　silkoftherichestquality，smellingofdriedlavender。
　　’KingWatkinstheFirst，Ibelieve？’saidtheoldlady。
　　’Watkins，’repliedtheking，’ismyname。’
　　’Papa，ifIamnotmistaken，ofthebeautifulPrincessAlicia？’
　　saidtheoldlady。
　　’Andofeighteenotherdarlings，’repliedtheking。
　　’Listen。Youaregoingtotheoffice，’saidtheoldlady。
　　Itinstantlyflasheduponthekingthatshemustbeafairy，orhowcouldsheknowthat？
　　’Youareright，’saidtheoldlady，answeringhisthoughts。’IamthegoodFairyGrandmarina。Attend！Whenyoureturnhometodinner，politelyinvitethePrincessAliciatohavesomeofthesalmonyouboughtjustnow。’
　　’Itmaydisagreewithher，’saidtheking。
　　Theoldladybecamesoveryangryatthisabsurdidea，thatthekingwasquitealarmed，andhumblybeggedherpardon。
　　’Wehearagreatdealtoomuchaboutthisthingdisagreeing，andthatthingdisagreeing，’saidtheoldlady，withthegreatestcontemptitwaspossibletoexpress。’Don’tbegreedy。Ithinkyouwantitallyourself。’
　　Thekinghunghisheadunderthisreproof，andsaidhewouldn’ttalkaboutthingsdisagreeinganymore。
　　’Begood，then，’saidtheFairyGrandmarina，’anddon’t。WhenthebeautifulPrincessAliciaconsentstopartakeofthesalmon，—asI
　　thinkshewill，—youwillfindshewillleaveafish—boneonherplate。Tellhertodryit，andtorubit，andtopolishittillitshineslikemother—of—pearl，andtotakecareofitasapresentfromme。’
　　’Isthatall？’askedtheking。
　　’Don’tbeimpatient，sir，’returnedtheFairyGrandmarina，scoldinghimseverely。’Don’tcatchpeopleshort，beforetheyhavedonespeaking。Justthewaywithyougrown—uppersons。Youarealwaysdoingit。’
　　Thekingagainhunghishead，andsaidhewouldn’tdosoanymore。
　　’Begood，then，’saidtheFairyGrandmarina，’anddon’t！TellthePrincessAlicia，withmylove，thatthefish—boneisamagicpresentwhichcanonlybeusedonce；butthatitwillbringher，thatonce，whatevershewishesfor，PROVIDEDSHEWISHESFORITAT
　　THERIGHTTIME。Thatisthemessage。Takecareofit。’
　　Thekingwasbeginning，’MightIaskthereason？’whenthefairybecameabsolutelyfurious。
　　’WILLyoubegood，sir？’sheexclaimed，stampingherfootontheground。’Thereasonforthis，andthereasonforthat，indeed！
　　Youarealwayswantingthereason。Noreason。There！Hoitytoityme！Iamsickofyourgrown—upreasons。’
　　Thekingwasextremelyfrightenedbytheoldlady’sflyingintosuchapassion，andsaidhewasverysorrytohaveoffendedher，andhewouldn’taskforreasonsanymore。
　　’Begood，then，’saidtheoldlady，’anddon’t！’
　　Withthosewords，Grandmarinavanished，andthekingwentonandonandon，tillhecametotheoffice。Therehewroteandwroteandwrote，tillitwastimetogohomeagain。ThenhepolitelyinvitedthePrincessAlicia，asthefairyhaddirectedhim，topartakeofthesalmon。Andwhenshehadenjoyeditverymuch，hesawthefish—boneonherplate，asthefairyhadtoldhimhewould，andhedeliveredthefairy’smessage，andthePrincessAliciatookcaretodrythebone，andtorubit，andtopolishit，tillitshonelikemother—of—pearl。
　　Andso，whenthequeenwasgoingtogetupinthemorning，shesaid，’O，dearme，dearme；myhead，myhead！’andthenshefaintedaway。
　　ThePrincessAlicia，whohappenedtobelookinginatthechamber—
　　door，askingaboutbreakfast，wasverymuchalarmedwhenshesawherroyalmammainthisstate，andsherangthebellforPeggy，whichwasthenameofthelordchamberlain。Butrememberingwherethesmelling—bottlewas，sheclimbedonachairandgotit；andafterthatsheclimbedonanotherchairbythebedside，andheldthesmelling—bottletothequeen’snose；andafterthatshejumpeddownandgotsomewater；andafterthatshejumpedupagainandwettedthequeen’sforehead；and，inshort，whenthelordchamberlaincamein，thatdearoldwomansaidtothelittleprincess，’Whatatrotyouare！Icouldn’thavedoneitbettermyself！’
　　Butthatwasnottheworstofthegoodqueen’sillness。O，no！
　　Shewasveryillindeed，foralongtime。ThePrincessAliciakepttheseventeenyoungprincesandprincessesquiet，anddressedandundressedanddancedthebaby，andmadethekettleboil，andheatedthesoup，andsweptthehearth，andpouredoutthemedicine，andnursedthequeen，anddidallthatevershecould，andwasasbusy，busy，busyasbusycouldbe；fortherewerenotmanyservantsatthatpalaceforthreereasons：becausethekingwasshortofmoney，becauseariseinhisofficeneverseemedtocome，andbecausequarter—daywassofaroffthatitlookedalmostasfaroffandaslittleasoneofthestars。
　　Butonthemorningwhenthequeenfaintedaway，wherewasthemagicfish—bone？Why，thereitwasinthePrincessAlicia’spocket！Shehadalmosttakenitouttobringthequeentolifeagain，whensheputitback，andlookedforthesmelling—bottle。
　　Afterthequeenhadcomeoutofherswoonthatmorning，andwasdozing，thePrincessAliciahurriedup—stairstotellamostparticularsecrettoamostparticularlyconfidentialfriendofhers，whowasaduchess。Peopledidsupposehertobeadoll；butshewasreallyaduchess，thoughnobodyknewitexcepttheprincess。
　　Thismostparticularsecretwasthesecretaboutthemagicfish—
　　bone，thehistoryofwhichwaswellknowntotheduchess，becausetheprincesstoldhereverything。Theprincesskneeleddownbythebedonwhichtheduchesswaslying，full—dressedandwideawake，andwhisperedthesecrettoher。Theduchesssmiledandnodded。
　　Peoplemighthavesupposedthatsheneversmiledandnodded；butsheoftendid，thoughnobodyknewitexcepttheprincess。
　　ThenthePrincessAliciahurrieddown—stairsagain，tokeepwatchinthequeen’sroom。Sheoftenkeptwatchbyherselfinthequeen’sroom；buteveryevening，whiletheillnesslasted，shesattherewatchingwiththeking。Andeveryeveningthekingsatlookingatherwithacrosslook，wonderingwhysheneverbroughtoutthemagicfish—bone。Asoftenasshenoticedthis，sheranup—
　　stairs，whisperedthesecrettotheduchessoveragain，andsaidtotheduchessbesides，’Theythinkwechildrenneverhaveareasonorameaning！’Andtheduchess，thoughthemostfashionableduchessthateverwasheardof，winkedhereye。
　　’Alicia，’saidtheking，oneevening，whenshewishedhimgood—
　　night。
　　’Yes，papa。’
　　’Whatisbecomeofthemagicfish—bone？’
　　’Inmypocket，papa！’
　　’Ithoughtyouhadlostit？’
　　’O，no，papa！’
　　’Orforgottenit？’
　　’No，indeed，papa。’
　　Andsoanothertimethedreadfullittlesnappingpug—dog，nextdoor，madearushatoneoftheyoungprincesashestoodonthestepscominghomefromschool，andterrifiedhimoutofhiswits；
　　andheputhishandthroughapaneofglass，andbled，bled，bled。
　　Whentheseventeenotheryoungprincesandprincessessawhimbleed，bleed，bleed，theywereterrifiedoutoftheirwitstoo，andscreamedthemselvesblackintheirseventeenfacesallatonce。
　　ButthePrincessAliciaputherhandsoveralltheirseventeenmouths，oneafteranother，andpersuadedthemtobequietbecauseofthesickqueen。Andthensheputthewoundedprince’shandinabasinoffreshcoldwater，whiletheystaredwiththeirtwiceseventeenarethirty—four，putdownfourandcarrythree，eyes，andthenshelookedinthehandforbitsofglass，andtherewerefortunatelynobitsofglassthere。Andthenshesaidtotwochubby—leggedprinces，whoweresturdythoughsmall，’Bringmeintheroyalrag—bag：Imustsnipandstitchandcutandcontrive。’
　　Sothesetwoyoungprincestuggedattheroyalrag—bag，andluggeditin；andthePrincessAliciasatdownonthefloor，withalargepairofscissorsandaneedleandthread，andsnippedandstitchedandcutandcontrived，andmadeabandage，andputiton，anditfittedbeautifully；andsowhenitwasalldone，shesawthekingherpapalookingonbythedoor。
　　’Alicia。’
　　’Yes，papa。’
　　’Whathaveyoubeendoing？’
　　’Snipping，stitching，cutting，andcontriving，papa。’
　　’Whereisthemagicfish—bone？’
　　’Inmypocket，papa。’
　　’Ithoughtyouhadlostit？’
　　’O，no，papa。’
　　’Orforgottenit？’
　　’No，indeed，papa。’
　　Afterthat，sheranup—stairstotheduchess，andtoldherwhathadpassed，andtoldherthesecretoveragain；andtheduchessshookherflaxencurls，andlaughedwithherrosylips。
　　Well！andsoanothertimethebabyfellunderthegrate。Theseventeenyoungprincesandprincesseswereusedtoit；fortheywerealmostalwaysfallingunderthegrateordownthestairs；butthebabywasnotusedtoityet，anditgavehimaswelledfaceandablackeye。Thewaythepoorlittledarlingcametotumblewas，thathewasoutofthePrincessAlicia’slapjustasshewassitting，inagreatcoarseapronthatquitesmotheredher，infrontofthekitchen—fire，beginningtopeeltheturnipsforthebrothfordinner；andthewayshecametobedoingthatwas，thattheking’scookhadrunawaythatmorningwithherowntruelove，whowasaverytallbutverytipsysoldier。Thentheseventeenyoungprincesandprincesses，whocriedateverythingthathappened，criedandroared。ButthePrincessAlicia（whocouldn’thelpcryingalittleherself）quietlycalledtothemtobestill，onaccountofnotthrowingbackthequeenup—stairs，whowasfastgettingwell，andsaid，’Holdyourtongues，youwickedlittlemonkeys，everyoneofyou，whileIexaminebaby！’Thensheexaminedbaby，andfoundthathehadn’tbrokenanything；andsheheldcoldirontohispoordeareye，andsmoothedhispoordearface，andhepresentlyfellasleepinherarms。Thenshesaidtotheseventeenprincesandprincesses，’Iamafraidtolethimdownyet，lestheshouldwakeandfeelpain；begood，andyoushallallbecooks。’Theyjumpedforjoywhentheyheardthat，andbeganmakingthemselvescooks’capsoutofoldnewspapers。Sotooneshegavethesalt—box，andtooneshegavethebarley，andtooneshegavetheherbs，andtooneshegavetheturnips，andtooneshegavethecarrots，andtooneshegavetheonions，andtooneshegavethespice—box，tilltheywereallcooks，andallrunningaboutatwork，shesittinginthemiddle，smotheredinthegreatcoarseapron，nursingbaby。Byandbythebrothwasdone；andthebabywokeup，smiling，likeanangel，andwastrustedtothesedatestprincesstohold，whiletheotherprincesandprincessesweresqueezedintoafar—offcornertolookatthePrincessAliciaturningoutthesaucepanfulofbroth，forfear（astheywerealwaysgettingintotrouble）theyshouldgetsplashedandscalded。Whenthebrothcametumblingout，steamingbeautifully，andsmellinglikeanosegaygoodtoeat，theyclappedtheirhands。Thatmadethebabyclaphishands；andthat，andhislookingasifhehadacomictoothache，madealltheprincesandprincesseslaugh。SothePrincessAliciasaid，’Laughandbegood；andafterdinnerwewillmakehimanestonthefloorinacorner，andheshallsitinhisnestandseeadanceofeighteencooks。’Thatdelightedtheyoungprincesandprincesses，andtheyateupallthebroth，andwashedupalltheplatesanddishes，andclearedaway，andpushedthetableintoacorner；andthentheyintheircooks’caps，andthePrincessAliciainthesmotheringcoarseapronthatbelongedtothecookthathadrunawaywithherowntruelovethatwastheverytallbutverytipsysoldier，dancedadanceofeighteencooksbeforetheangelicbaby，whoforgothisswelledfaceandhisblackeye，andcrowedwithjoy。
　　Andsothen，oncemorethePrincessAliciasawKingWatkinstheFirst，herfather，standinginthedoorwaylookingon，andhesaid，’Whathaveyoubeendoing，Alicia？’
　　’Cookingandcontriving，papa。’
　　’Whatelsehaveyoubeendoing，Alicia？’
　　’Keepingthechildrenlight—hearted，papa。’
　　’Whereisthemagicfish—bone，Alicia？
　　’Inmypocket，papa。’
　　’Ithoughtyouhadlostit？’
　　’O，no，papa！’
　　’Orforgottenit？’
　　’No，indeed，papa。’
　　Thekingthensighedsoheavily，andseemedsolow—spirited，andsatdownsomiserably，leaninghisheaduponhishand，andhiselbowuponthekitchen—tablepushedawayinthecorner，thattheseventeenprincesandprincessescreptsoftlyoutofthekitchen，andlefthimalonewiththePrincessAliciaandtheangelicbaby。
　　’Whatisthematter，papa？’
　　’Iamdreadfullypoor，mychild。’
　　’Haveyounomoneyatall，papa？’
　　’None，mychild。’
　　’Istherenowayofgettingany，papa？’
　　’Noway，’saidtheking。’Ihavetriedveryhard，andIhavetriedallways。’
　　Whensheheardthoselastwords，thePrincessAliciabegantoputherhandintothepocketwhereshekeptthemagicfish—bone。
　　’Papa，’saidshe，’whenwehavetriedveryhard，andtriedallways，wemusthavedoneourvery，verybest？’
　　’Nodoubt，Alicia。’
　　’Whenwehavedoneourvery，verybest，papa，andthatisnotenough，thenIthinktherighttimemusthavecomeforaskinghelpofothers。’Thiswastheverysecretconnectedwiththemagicfish—bone，whichshehadfoundoutforherselffromthegoodFairyGrandmarina’swords，andwhichshehadsooftenwhisperedtoherbeautifulandfashionablefriend，theduchess。
　　Soshetookoutofherpocketthemagicfish—bone，thathadbeendriedandrubbedandpolishedtillitshonelikemother—of—pearl；
　　andshegaveitonelittlekiss，andwisheditwasquarter—day。
　　AndimmediatelyitWASquarter—day；andtheking’squarter’ssalarycamerattlingdownthechimney，andbouncedintothemiddleofthefloor。
　　Butthiswasnothalfofwhathappened，—no，notaquarter；forimmediatelyafterwardsthegoodFairyGrandmarinacameridingin，inacarriageandfour（peacocks），withMr。Pickles’sboyupbehind，dressedinsilverandgold，withacocked—hat，powdered—
　　hair，pinksilkstockings，ajewelledcane，andanosegay。DownjumpedMr。Pickles’sboy，withhiscocked—hatinhishand，andwonderfullypolite（beingentirelychangedbyenchantment），andhandedGrandmarinaout；andthereshestood，inherrichshot—silksmellingofdriedlavender，fanningherselfwithasparklingfan。
　　’Alicia，mydear，’saidthischarmingoldfairy，’howdoyoudo？I
　　hopeIseeyouprettywell？Givemeakiss。’
　　ThePrincessAliciaembracedher；andthenGrandmarinaturnedtotheking，andsaidrathersharply，’Areyougood？’Thekingsaidhehopedso。
　　’IsupposeyouknowthereasonNOW，whymygod—daughterhere，’
　　kissingtheprincessagain，’didnotapplytothefish—bonesooner？’saidthefairy。
　　Thekingmadeashybow。
　　’Ah！butyoudidn’tTHEN？’saidthefairy。
　　Thekingmadeashyerbow。
　　’Anymorereasonstoaskfor？’saidthefairy。
　　Thekingsaid，No，andhewasverysorry。
　　’Begood，then，’saidthefairy，’andlivehappyeverafterwards。’
　　ThenGrandmarinawavedherfan，andthequeencameinmostsplendidlydressed；andtheseventeenyoungprincesandprincesses，nolongergrownoutoftheirclothes，camein，newlyfittedoutfromtoptotoe，withtucksineverythingtoadmitofitsbeingletout。Afterthat，thefairytappedthePrincessAliciawithherfan；andthesmotheringcoarseapronflewaway，andsheappearedexquisitelydressed，likealittlebride，withawreathoforange—
　　flowersandasilverveil。Afterthat，thekitchendresserchangedofitselfintoawardrobe，madeofbeautifulwoodsandgoldandlookingglass，whichwasfullofdressesofallsorts，allforherandallexactlyfittingher。Afterthat，theangelicbabycamein，runningalone，withhisfaceandeyenotabittheworse，butmuchthebetter。ThenGrandmarinabeggedtobeintroducedtotheduchess；and，whentheduchesswasbroughtdown，manycomplimentspassedbetweenthem。
　　Alittlewhisperingtookplacebetweenthefairyandtheduchess；
　　andthenthefairysaidoutloud，’Yes，Ithoughtshewouldhavetoldyou。’Grandmarinathenturnedtothekingandqueen，andsaid，’WearegoinginsearchofPrinceCertainpersonio。Thepleasureofyourcompanyisrequestedatchurchinhalfanhourprecisely。’SosheandthePrincessAliciagotintothecarriage；
　　andMr。Pickles’sboyhandedintheduchess，whosatbyherselfontheoppositeseat；andthenMr。Pickles’sboyputupthestepsandgotupbehind，andthepeacocksflewawaywiththeirtailsbehind。
　　PrinceCertainpersoniowassittingbyhimself，eatingbarley—sugar，andwaitingtobeninety。Whenhesawthepeacocks，followedbythecarriage，cominginatthewindowitimmediatelyoccurredtohimthatsomethinguncommonwasgoingtohappen。
　　’Prince，’saidGrandmarina，’Ibringyouyourbride。’Themomentthefairysaidthosewords，PrinceCertainpersonio’sfaceleftoffbeingsticky，andhisjacketandcorduroyschangedtopeach—bloomvelvet，andhishaircurled，andacapandfeatherflewinlikeabirdandsettledonhishead。Hegotintothecarriagebythefairy’sinvitation；andthereherenewedhisacquaintancewiththeduchess，whomhehadseenbefore。
　　Inthechurchweretheprince’srelationsandfriends，andthePrincessAlicia’srelationsandfriends，andtheseventeenprincesandprincesses，andthebaby，andacrowdoftheneighbours。Themarriagewasbeautifulbeyondexpression。Theduchesswasbridesmaid，andbeheldtheceremonyfromthepulpit，whereshewassupportedbythecushionofthedesk。
　　Grandmarinagaveamagnificentwedding—feastafterwards，inwhichtherewaseverythingandmoretoeat，andeverythingandmoretodrink。Thewedding—cakewasdelicatelyornamentedwithwhitesatinribbons，frostedsilver，andwhitelilies，andwasforty—twoyardsround。
　　WhenGrandmarinahaddrunkherlovetotheyoungcouple，andPrinceCertainpersoniohadmadeaspeech，andeverybodyhadcried，Hip，hip，hip，hurrah！Grandmarinaannouncedtothekingandqueenthatinfuturetherewouldbeeightquarter—daysineveryyear，exceptinleap—year，whentherewouldbeten。ShethenturnedtoCertainpersonioandAlicia，andsaid，’Mydears，youwillhavethirty—fivechildren，andtheywillallbegoodandbeautiful。
　　Seventeenofyourchildrenwillbeboys，andeighteenwillbegirls。Thehairofthewholeofyourchildrenwillcurlnaturally。
　　Theywillneverhavethemeasles，andwillhaverecoveredfromthewhooping—coughbeforebeingborn。’
　　Onhearingsuchgoodnews，everybodycriedout’Hip，hip，hip，hurrah！’again。
　　’Itonlyremains，’saidGrandmarinainconclusion，’tomakeanendofthefish—bone。’
　　SoshetookitfromthehandofthePrincessAlicia，anditinstantlyflewdownthethroatofthedreadfullittlesnappingpug—
　　dog，nextdoor，andchokedhim，andheexpiredinconvulsions。
　　PARTIII。—ROMANCE。FROMTHEPENOFLIEUT。—COL。ROBINREDFORTH
　　（Agednine。）