[Mem。——ThefollowingissupposedtobeanextractfromthediaryofthePepysofthatday，thesamebeingQueenElizabeth’scup—bearer。Heissupposedtobeofancientandnoblelineage；thathedespisestheseliterarycanaille；thathissoulconsumeswithwrath，toseethequeenstoopingtotalkwithsuch；andthattheoldmanfeelsthathisnobilityisdefiledbycontactwithShakespeare，etc。，andyethehasgottostaytheretillherMajestychoosestodismisshim。]
YESTERNIGHT
tokehermaisteyequeeneafantasiesuchasshesometimeshath，andhadtoherclosetcertainthatdoewriteplayes，bokes，andsuchlike，thesebeingmylordBacon，hisworshipSirWalterRalegh，Mr。BenJonson，andyechildFrancisBeaumonte，whichbeingbutsixteen，hathyetturnedhishandtoyedoingofyeLattinmastersintoourEnglishetong，withgretediscretionandmuchapplaus。AlsocamewiththeseyefamousShaxpur。A
rightestraungemixingtrulyofmightyblodewithmean，yemoreinespecialsinceyequeenesgracewaspresent，aslikewisethesefollowing，towit：YeDuchessofBilgewater，twenty—twoyeresofage；yeCountesseofGranby，twenty—six；herdoter，yeLadyHelen，fifteen；asalsothesetwomaidesofhonor，to—wit，yeLadyMargeryBoothy，sixty—five，andyeLadyAliceDilberry，turnedseventy，shebeingtwoyeresyequeenesgraceselder。
Ibeinghermaitescup—bearer，hadnochoicebuttoremaineandbeholderankforgot，andyehighholdeconversewhyelowasupponequaltermes，agretescandaldidyeworldhearethereof。
Inyeheatofyetalkitbefelytonedidbreakewind，yieldinganexcedingmightieanddistresfullstink，whereatalldidlaughfullsore，andthen——
YeQueene。——VerilyinmineeightandsixtyyereshaveInotheardthefellowtothisfart。Meseemeth，byyegretesoundandclamourofit，itwasmale；yetyebellyitdidlurkbehindeshouldenowfallleanandflatagainstyespineofhimythathbenedeliveredofsostatelyandsowasteabulk，whereasyegutsofthemytdoequiff—splittersbear，standcomelystillandrounde。Pritheeletyeauthorconfessyeoffspring。
WillmyLadyAlicetestify？
LadyAlice。——Goodyourgrace，an’Ihadroomforsuchathundergustwithinmineancientbowels，’tisnotinreasonIcouldedischargeyesameandlivetothankGodforytHedidchoosehandmaidsohumblewherebytoshewhispower。Nay，’tisnotIythavebroughteforththisricho’ermasteringfog，thisfragrantgloom，soprayyouseekeyefurther。
YeQueene。——MayhapyeLadyMargeryhathdoneyecompaniethisfavor？
LadyMargery。——Sopleaseyoumadam，mylimbsarefeeblewhyeweighteanddrouthoffiveandsixtywinters，anditbehovethytIbetenderuntothem。InyegoodprovidenceofGod，an’Ihadcontainedthiswonder，forsoothewoldeIhavegi’en’yewholeeveningofmysinkinglifetoyedribblingofitforth，withtremblinganduneasysoul，notlauncheditsuddeninitsmatchlessmight，takingmineownlifewithviolence，rendingmyweakframelikerottenrags。ItwasnotI，yourmaisty。
YeQueene。——O’God’sname，whohathfavoredus？Hathitcometopassytafartshallfartitself？Notsuchaoneasthis，Itrow。YoungMasterBeaumont——butno；’twouldhavewaftedhimtoheavenlikedownofgoose’sboddy。’TwasnotyelittleLadyHelen——nay，ne’erblush，mychild；
thoul’tticklethytendermaidenheddewithmanyamousie—squeakbeforethoulearnesttoblowaharricanelikethis。Wasn’tyou，mylearnedandingeniousJonson？
Jonson。——Sofellablasthathne’ermineearssaluted，noryetastenchsoall—pervadingandimmortal。’Twasnotanovicedidit，goodyourmaisty，butoneofveteranexperience——elsehaddehefailedofconfidence。InsoothitwasnotI。
YeQueene。——MylordBacon？
LordBacon。—Notfrommyleaneentraileshaththisprodigyburstforth，sopleaseyourgrace。Naughtdothsobefityegreteasgreteperformance；
andhaplyshallyefindeyt’tisnotfrommediocritythismiraclehathissued。
[Tho’yesubjoctbebutafart，yetwillthistedioussinkoflearningpondrouslyphillosophize。Meantimedidthefoulanddeadlystinkpervadeallplacestothatdegree，ytneversmeltIyelike，yetdareInottoleaveyepresence，albeitIwasliketosuffocate。]
YeQueene。——WhatsaithyeworshipfulMasterShaxpur？
Shaxpur。——InthegreathandofGodIstandandsoproclaimmineinnocence。Thoughyesinlesshostsofheavenhadforetoldyecomingofthismostdesolatingbreath，proclaimingitaworkofuninspiredman，itsquakingthunders，itsfirmament—cloggingrottennesshisownachievementinduecourseofnature，yethadnotIbelievedit；buthadsaidthepititselfhathfurnishedforththestink，andheaven’sartilleryhathshooktheglobeinadmirationofit。
[Thenwasthereasilence，andeachdidturnhimtowardtheworshipfulSrWalterRalegh，thatbrowned，embattled，bloodyswashbuckler，whorisingupdidsmile，andsimperingsay，]
SrW。——Mostgraciousmaisty，’twasIthatdidit，butindeeditwassopoorandfrailanote，comparedwithsuchasIamwonttofurnish，ytinsoothIwasashamedtocalltheweaklingmineinsoaugustapresence。
Itwasnothing——lessthannothing，madam——Ididitbuttoclearmynetherthroat；buthadIcomeprepared，thenhadIdeliveredsomethingworthy。
Bearwithme，pleaseyourgrace，tillIcanmakeamends。
[Thendeliveredhehimselfofsuchagodlessandrock—shiveringblastthatallwerefaintostoptheirears，andfollowingitdidcomesodenseandfoulastinkthatthatwhichwentbeforedidseemapoorandtriflingthingbesideit。Thensaithhe，feigningthatheblushedandwasconfused，IperceivethatIamweakto—day，andcannotjusticedountomypowers；andsathimdownaswhoshouldsay，There，itisnotmuchyethethathathanarsetospare，lethimfellowthat，an’hethinkhecan。ByGod，an’Iwereyequeene，Iwoulde’entipthisswaggeringbraggartouto’thecourt，andlethimairhisgrandeursandbreakhisintolerablewindbeforeyedeafandsuchassuffocationpleaseth。]
Thenfelltheytotalkaboutyemannersandcustomsofmanypeoples，andMasterShaxpurspakeofyebokeofyesieurMichaeldeMontaine，whereinwasmentionofyecustomofwidowsofPerigordtowearupponyeheaddress，insignofwidowhood，ajewelinyesimilitudeofaman’smemberwiltedandlimber，whereatyequeenedidlaughandsaywidowsinEnglanddoewearprickestoo，butbetwixtthethighs，andnotwiltedneither，tillcoitionhathdonethatofficeforthem。MasterShaxpurdidlikewiseobservehowytyesieurdeMontainehathalsospokenofacertainemperorofsuchmightyprowessthathedidtaketenmaidenheddesinyecompassofasinglenight，yewhilehisempressdidentertaintwoandtwentylustyknightsbetweenhersheetes，yetwasnotsatisfied；
whereatyemerrieCountessGranbysaitharamisyetyeemperor’ssuperior，sithhewiltupaboveahundredyewes’twixtsunandsun；andafter，ifhecanhavenonemoretoshag，willmasturbateuntilhehathenrich’dwholeacreswithhisseed。
Thenspakeyedamnedwindmill，SrWalter，ofapeopleinyeuttermostpartsofAmerica，ytcapulatenotuntiltheybefiveandthirtyyeresofage，yewomenbeingeightandtwenty，anddoitthenbutonceinsevenyeres。
YeQueene。——HowdoththatlikemylittleLadyHelen？Shallwesendtheethitherandpreservethybelly？
LadyHelen。——Pleaseyourhighnessesgrace，mineoldnursehathtoldmetherearemorewaysofservingGodthanbylockingthethighstogether；
yetamIwillingtoservehimytwaytoo，sithyourhighnessesgracehathsetyeensample。
YeQueene。——God’wowndesagoodanswer，childe。
LadyAlice。——Mayhap’twillweakenwhenyehairsproutsbelowyenavel。
LadyHelen。——Nay，itsproutedtwoyeressyne；Icanscarcemorethancoveritwithmyhandnow。
YeQueene。——HearYethat，mylittleBeaumonte？Haveyenotalittlebirdeaboutyethatstirsathearingtellofsosweeteaneste？
Beaumonte。——’Tisnotinsensible，illustriousmadam；butmousingowlsandbatsoflowdegreemaynotaspiretoblisssowhelmingandecstaticasisfoundinyedownynestsofbirdesofParadise。
YeQueene。——ByyegulletofGod，’tisaneat—turnedcompliment。Withsuchatongueasthine，lad，thou’ltspreadtheivorythighsofmanyawillingmaideinthygoodtime，an’thycod—piecebeashandyasthyspeeche。
ThenspakeyequeeneofhowshemetoldRabelaiswhenshewasturnedoffifteen，andhedidtellherofamanhisfatherknewthathadadoublepairofbollocks，whereonacontroversyfollowedasconcerningthemostjustwaytospelltheword，yecontentionrunninghighbetwixtyelearnedBaconandyeingeniousJonson，untilatlastyeoldLadyMargery，wearyingofitall，saith，’Gentles，whatmatterethithowyeshallspelltheword？IwarrantYewhenyeuseyourbollocksyeshallnotthinkofit；andmyLadyGranby，beyecontent；letthespellingbe，yeshallenjoythebeatingofthemonyourbuttocksjustthesame，Itrow。BeforeIhadgainedmyfourteenthyearIhadlearntthatthemthatwouldexploreacuntstop’dnottoconsiderthespellingo’t。’
SrW。——Insooth，whenashift’sturnedup，delayismeetfornaughtbutdalliance。Boccacciohathastoryofapriestthatdidbeguileamaidintohiscell，thenknelthiminacornertoprayforgracetoberightlythankfulforthistendermaidenheadyeLordhadsenthim；butyeabbot，spyingthroughyekey—hole，didseeatuftofbrownishhairwithfairwhitefleshaboutit，whereforewhenyepriest’sprayerwasdone，hischancewasgone，forasmuchasyelittlemaidhadbutyeonecunt，andthatwasalreadyoccupiedtohercontent。
Thenconversedtheyofreligion，andyemightieworkyeolddeadLutherdiddoebyyegraceofGod。Thennextaboutpoetry，andMasterShaxpurdidredeapartofhisKingHenryIV。，yewhich，itseemethuntome，isnotofyevalueofanarsefullofashes，yettheypraiseditbravely，oneandall。
Yesamedidredeaportionofhis"VenusandAdonis，"totheirprodigiousadmiration，whereasI，beingsleepyandfatiguedwithal，diddemeitbutpaltrystuff，andwasthemorediscomfortedinthatyeblodybucanierhadgothiswindagain，anddidturnhismindtofartingwithsuchvillainzealthatpresentlyIwasliketochokeoncemore。Goddamnthiswindyruffianandallhisbreed。Iwoldethathellmightegethim。
TheytalkedaboutyewonderfuldefensewhicholdSr。NicholasThrogmortondidmakeforhimselfbeforeyejudgesinyetimeofMary；whichwasunluckymattertobroach，sithitfetchedoutyequenewitha’Pityythe，havingsomuchwit，hadyetnotenoughtosavehisdoter’smaidenheddesoundforhermarriage—bed。’Andyequenedidgiveyedamn’dSr。Walteralookytmadehymwince——forshehathnotforgothewasherownloveritytoldeday。Therewassilentuncomfortablenessnow；’twasnotagoodturnfortalktotake，sithifyequeenemustfindoffenseinalittleharmlessdebauching，whenprickswerestiffandcuntsnotloathetotakeyestiffnessoutofthem，whoofthiscompanywassinless；
behold，wasnotyewifeofMasterShaxpurfourmonthsgonewithchildwhenshestooduppebeforeyealtar？WasnotherGraceofBilgewaterroger’dbyfourlordsbeforeshehadahusband？WasnotyelittleLadyHelenbornonhermother’swedding—day？And，beholde，werenotyeLadyAliceandyeLadyMargerythere，mouthingreligion，whoresfromyecradle？
IntimecametheytodiscourseofCervantes，andofthenewpainter，Rubens，thatisbeginningtobeheardof。Finewordsanddainty—wroughtphrasesfromtheladiesnow，oneortwoofthembeing，inotherdays，pupilsofthatpoorass，Lille，himself；andImarkedhowthatJonsonandShaxpurdidfidgettodischargesomevenomofsarcasm，yetdaredtheynotinthepresence，thequeene’sgracebeingyeveryflowerofyeEuphuistsherself。Butbehold，thesebetheyyt，havingaspecialty，andadmiringitinthemselves，bejealouswhenaneighbordothessayeit，norcanabideitinthemlong。Wherefore’twasobservableytyequenewaxeduncontent；andintimelabor’dgrandiosespeecheoutofyemouthofLadyAlice，whomanifestlydidmightilyprideherselfthereon，didquiteexhausteyequene’sendurance，wholistenedtillyegaudyspeechewasdone，thenliftedupherbrows，andwithvasteirony，mincingsaith’O
shit！’Whereattheyalledidlaffe，butnotyeLadyAlice，ytoldefoolishbitche。
NowwasSr。WaltermindedofataleheoncedidhearyeingeniousMargretteofNavarrerelate，aboutamaid，whichbeingliketosufferrapebyanoldearchbishoppe，didsmartlycontriveadevicetosavehermaidenhedde，andsaidtohim，First，mylord，Iprithee，takeoutthyholytoolandpissbeforeme；whichdoing，lohismemberfelle，andwouldnotriseagain。
FOOTNOTES
ToFrivolityThehistoricalconsistencyof1601indicatesthatTwainmusthavegiventhesubjectconsiderablethought。TheauthorwascarefultospeakonlyofmenwhoconceivablymighthavebeenintheVirginQueen’sclosetandengagedindiscoursewithher。
THECHARACTERS
Atthistime（1601）QueenElizabethwas68yearsold。Shespeaksofhavingtalkedto"oldRabelais"inheryouth。ThismighthavebeenpossibleasRabelaisdiedin1552，whentheQueenwas19yearsold。
AmongthoseinthepartywereShakespeare，atthattime37yearsold；BenJonson，27；andSirWalterRaleigh，49。Beaumontatthetimewas17，not16。HewasadmittedasamemberoftheInnerTemplein1600，andhisfirsttranslations，thosefromOvid，werefirstpublishedin1602。
Therefore，ifonewereholdingstrictlytotheyeardate，neitherbyagenorbyfamewouldBeaumonthavebeeneligibletoattendsuchagatheringofaugustpersonagesintheyear1601；butthepointisunimportant。
THEELIZABETHANWRITERS
IntheConversationShakespearespeaksofMontaigne’sEssays。Thesewerefirstpublishedin1580andsuccessiveeditionswereissuedintheyearsfollowing，thethirdvolumebeingpublishedin1588。"InEnglandMontaignewasearlypopular。ItwaslongsupposedthattheautographofShakespeareinacopyofFlorio’stranslationshowedhisstudyoftheEssays。Theautographhasbeendisputed，butdiverspassages，andespeciallyoneinTheTempest，showthatatfirstorsecondhandthepoetwasacquaintedwiththeessayist。"（EncyclopediaBrittanica。）
ThecompanyattheQueen’sfiresidediscoursedofLilly（orLyly），EnglishdramatistandnovelistoftheElizabethanera，whosenovel，Euphues，publishedintwoparts，’Euphues’，orthe’AnatomyofWit’
（1579）and’EuphuesandHisEngland’（1580）wasaliterarysensation。
Itissaidtohaveinfluencedliterarystyleformorethanaquarterofacentury，andtracesofitsinfluencearefoundinShakespeare。（ColumbiaEncyclopedia）。
TheintroductionofBenJonsonintothepartywaswhollyappropriate，ifonemaycalltowitnesssomeofJonson’swritings。ThesubjectunderdiscussionwasonethatJonsonwasacquaintedwith，inTheAlchemist：
Act。I，SceneI，FACE：Believe’tIwill。
SUBTLE：Thyworst。Ifartatthee。
DOLCOMMON：Haveyouyourwits？Why，gentlemen，forlove————
Act。2，SceneI，SIREPICUREMAMMON：……andthenmypoets，thesamethatwritsosubtlyofthefart，whomIshallentertainstillforthatsubjectandagaininBartholomewFairNIGHTENGALE：（singsaballad）
Hearforyourlove，andbuyforyourmoney。
Adelicateballado’theferretandtheconey。
Apreservativeagain’thepunk’sevil。
Anothergoose—greenstarch，andthedevil。
Adozenofdivinepoints，andthegodlygarterThefairingofgoodcounsel，ofanellandthree—quarters。
Whatis’tyoubuy？
Thewindmillblowndownbythewitche’sfart，OrSaintGeorge，that，O！didbreakthedragon’sheart。
GOODOLDENGLISHCUSTOM
ThatcertaintypesofEnglishsocietyhavenotchangedmateriallyintheirfreedomtowardbreakingwindinpubliccanbenoticedinsomecomparativelyrecentliterature。FrankHarrisinMyLife，Vol。2，Ch。XIII，tellsofLadyMarriott，wifeofajudgeAdvocateGeneral，beingcompelledtoleaveherowntable，atwhichshewasentertainingSirRobertFowler，thentheLordMayorofLondon，becauseofthesuffocatingandnauseatingodorsthere。Healsotellsofaninstanceinparliament，andofaratherbrilliantbonmotspokenuponthatoccasion。
"WhileFowlerwasspeakingFinch—Hattonhadshewnsignsofrestlessness；
towardstheendofthespeechhehadmovedsomethreeyardsawayfromtheBaronet。AssoonasFowlersatdownFinch—Hattonsprangupholdinghishandkerchieftohisnose：
"’Mr。Speaker，’hebegan，andwasatonceacknowledgedbytheSpeaker，foritwasamaidenspeech，andassuchwasentitledtoprecedencebythecourteouscustomoftheHouse，’IknowwhytheRightHonourableMemberfromtheCitydidnotconcludehisspeechwithaproposal。Theonlywaytoconcludesuchaspeechappropriatelywouldbewithamotion！’"
AEOLIANCREPITATIONS
Butsocietyhadapparentlydegeneratedsadlyinmoderntimes，andevenintheeraofElizabeth，foratanearlierdateitwasaserious——nay，capital——offensetobreakwindinthepresenceofmajesty。TheEmperorClaudius，hearingthatonewhohadsuppressedtheurgewhilepayinghimcourthadsufferedgreatlythereby，"intendedtoissueanedict，allowingtoallpeoplethelibertyofgivingventattabletoanydistensionoccasionedbyflatulence："
Martial，too（BookXII，EpigramLXXVII），tellsoftheembarrassmentofonewhobrokewindwhileprayingintheCapitol，"Oneday，whilestandingupright，addressinghisprayerstoJupiter，AethonfartedintheCapitol。Menlaughed，buttheFatheroftheGods，offended，condemnedtheguiltyonetodineathomeforthreenights。
Sincethattime，miserableAethon，whenhewishestoentertheCapitol，goesfirsttoPaterclius’priviesandfartstenortwentytimes。Yet，inspiteofthisprecautionarycrepitation，hesalutesJovewithconstrictedbuttocks。"Martialalso（BookIV，EpigramLXXX），ridiculesawomanwhowassubjecttothehabit，saying，"YourBassa，Fabullus，hasalwaysachildatherside，callingitherdarlingandherplaything；andyet——morewonder——shedoesnotcareforchildren。Whatisthereasonthen。Bassaisapttofart。（Forwhichshecouldblametheunsuspectinginfant。）"
Thetaleistold，too，ofacertainwomanwhoperformedanaeoliancrepitationatadinnerattendedbythewittyMonsignieurDupanloup，BishopofOrleans，andthatwhen，tocoverupherlapse，shebegantoscrapeherfeetuponthefloor，andtomakesimilarnoises，theBishopsaid，"Donottroubletofindarhyme，Madam！"
Nay，worthiernamesthanthoseofanyyetmentionedhavediscussedthematter。Herodotustellsofonesuchwhichwastheprecursortothefallofanempireandachangeofdynasty——thatwhichAmasisdischargeswhileonhorseback，andbidstheenvoyofApries，KingofEgypt，catchanddelivertohisroyalmaster。EventheexactmannerandpostureofAmasis，authorofthisinsult，isdescribed。
St。Augustine（TheCityofGod，XIV：24）citestheinstanceofamanwhocouldcommandhisreartrumpettosoundatwill，whichhislearnedcommentatorfortifieswiththeexampleofonewhocoulddosointune！
BenjaminFranklin，inhis"LettertotheRoyalAcademyofBrussels"hascanvassedsuggestedremediesforalleviatingthestenchattendantuponthesedischarges：
"MyPrizeQuestionthereforeshouldbe：TodiscoversomeDrug，wholesomeand——notdisagreeable，tobemixedwithourcommonfood，orsauces，thatshallrenderthenaturaldischargesofWindfromourBodiesnotonlyinoffensive，butagreeableasPerfumes。
"ThatthisisnotaChimericalProject&altogetherimpossible，mayappearfromtheseconsiderations。Thatwealreadyhavesomeknowledgeofmeanscapableofvaryingthatsmell。HethatdinesonstaleFlesh，especiallywithmuchAdditionofOnions，shallbeabletoaffordastinkthatnoCompanycantolerate；whilehethathaslivedforsometimeonVegetablesonly，shallhavethatBreathsopureastobeinsensibleofthemostdelicateNoses；andifhecanmanagesoastoavoidtheReport，hemayanywheregiveventtohisGriefs，unnoticed。ButastherearemanytowhomanentireVegetableDietwouldbeinconvenient，&asalittlequickLimethrownintoaJakeswillcorrecttheamazingQuantityoffetidAirarisingfromthevastMassofputridMattercontainedinsuchPlaces，andrenderitpleasingtotheSmell，whoknowsbutthatalittlePowderofLime（orsomeotherequivalent）takeninourFood，orperhapsaGlassofLimeWaterdrankatDinner，mayhavethesameEffectontheAirproducedinandissuingfromourBowels？"
OnecuriouscommentaryonthetextisthatElizabethshouldbesofondofinvestigatingintotheauthorshipoftheexhalationinquestion，whenshewasinordinatelyfondofstrongandsweetperfumes；infact，shewasresponsibleforthetremendousincreaseinimportationsofscentsintoEnglandduringherreign。
"YEBOKEOFYESIEURMICHAELDEMONTAINE"
Thereisacuriousadmixtureoferrorandmisunderstandinginthispartofthesketch。Inthefirstplace，thestoryisborrowedfromMontaigne，whereitistoldinaccurately，andthenfurthercorruptedinthetelling。
ItwasnotthegoodwidowsofPerigordwhoworethephallusupontheircoifs；itwastheyoungmarriedwomen，ofthedistrictnearMontaigne’shome，whoparadedittoviewupontheirforeheads，asasymbol，saysouressayist，"ofthejoytheyderivedtherefrom。"Iftheybecamewidows，theyreverseditsposition，andcovereditupwiththerestoftheirhead—dress。
The"emperor"mentionedwasnotanemperor；hewasProcolus，anativeofAlbengue，ontheGenoesecoast，who，withBonosus，ledtheunsuccessfulrebellioninGaulagainstEmperorProbus。EvensokeenacommentatorasCottonhasfailedtonotetheerror。
Theempress（Montaignedoesnotsay"hisempress"）wasMessalina，thirdwifeoftheEmperorClaudius，whowasuncleofCaligulaandfoster—fathertoNero。Furthermore，inhercasethechargeisthatshecopulatedwithtwenty—fiveinasinglenight，andnottwenty—two，asappearsinthetext。Montaigneisrightinhisstatistics，iforiginalsourcesarecorrect，whereastheauthorerredintranscribingtheincident。
AsforProculus，ithasbeennotedthathewasassociatedwithBonosus，whowasasrenownedinthefieldofBacchusaswasProculusinthatofVenus（Gibbon，DeclineandFalloftheRomanEmpire）。ThefeatofProculusistoldinhisownwords，inVopiscus，（Hist。Augustine，p。246）
whereherecountshavingcapturedonehundredSarmatianvirgins，andunmaidenedtenoftheminonenight，togetherwiththehappeningssubsequentthereto。
ConcerningMessalina，thereappearstobenoquestionbutthatshewasanymphomaniac，andthat，whileEmpressofRome，sheparticipatedinsomefearfuldebaucheries。Thequestioniswhattobelieve，formuchthatwehaveheardaboutherisalmostcertainlyapocryphal。
TheauthorfromwhomMontaignetookhisfactsistheelderPliny，who，inhisNaturalHistory，BookX，Chapter83，says，"Otheranimalsbecomesatedwithveneralpleasures；manhardlyknowsanysatiety。Messalina，thewifeofClaudiusCaesar，thinkingthisapalmquiteworthyofanempress，selectedforthepurposeofdecidingthequestion，oneofthemostnotoriouswomenwhofollowedtheprofessionofahiredprostitute；
andtheempressoutdidher，aftercontinuousintercourse，nightandday，atthetwenty—fifthembrace。"
ButPliny，notwithstandinghisgreatattainments，wasoftenaretailerofstalegossip，andinlikecasewasAureliusVictor，anotherwriterwhoheapedmuchodiumonhername。Again，thereisagreathiatusintheAnnalsofTacitus，atruehistorian，attheperiodcoveringtheearlierdaysoftheEmpress；whileSuetonius，bitterashemaybe，islittlemorethanananecdotist。Juvenal，anotherofherdetractors，isaprejudicedwitness，forhestartedouttosatirizefemalevice，andnaturallyaimedathighplaces。DioalsotellsofMessalina’smisdeeds，buthisworkisunderthesamelimitationsasthatofSuetonius。Furthermore，nonebutPlinymentionstheexcessunderconsideration。
However，"wherethereismuchsmoketheremustbealittlefire，"andbaseduponthesuperimposedtestimonyofthewritersoftheperiod，thereappearslittledoubtbutthatMessalinawasanymphomaniac，thatsheprostitutedherselfinthepublicstews，naked，andwithgildednipples，andthatshedidactuallymarryherchiefadulterer，Silius，whileClaudiuswasabsentatOstia，andthattheweddingwasconsummatedinthepresenceofaconcourseofwitnesses。Thiswas"thestrawthatbrokethecamel’sback。"ClaudiushastenedbacktoRome，Siliuswasdispatched，andMessalina，lackingthewill—powertodestroyherself，waskilledwhenanofficerranaswordthroughherabdomen，justasitappearedthatClaudiuswasabouttorelent。
"THENSPAKEYEDAMNEDWINDMILL，SIRWALTER"
Raleighisthoroughlyincharacterhere；thisobservationisquiteinkeepingwiththegeneralveracityofhisaccountofhistravelsinGuiana，oneofthemostmendaciousaccountsofadventureevertold。
Naturally，thescholarlyresearchesofWestermarckhavefailedtodiscoverthispeople；perhapsLadyHelenmightbestbeprotectedamongtheJibarosofEcuador，wherethemenmarrywhenapproachingforty。
BenJonsoninhisConversationsobserved"ThatSr。W。Raughlyeesteemedmoreoffamethanofconscience。"
YEVIRGINQUEENE
GravehistorianshavedebatedforcenturiesthepretensionsofElizabethtothetitle，"TheVirginQueen，"anditisutterlyimpossibletodisposeoftheissueinanote。However，theweightofopinionappearstobeinthenegative。ManyandgreatwerethedifficultiesattendingthemarriageofaProtestantprincessinthosetroubloustimes，andElizabethfinallyannouncedthatshewouldbecomeweddedtotheEnglishnation，andsheworearingintokenthereofuntilherdeath。However，moreorlessopenliaisonswithEssexandLeicester，aswellasahostoflessercourtiers，herardenttemperament，andherimperioustemper，areindicationsthatcannotbedeniedindetermininganyestimateuponthepointinquestion。
BenJonsoninhisConversationswithWilliamDrummondofHawthorndensays，"QueenElizabethneversawherselfaftershebecameoldinatrueglass；
theypaintedher，andsometymeswouldvermillionhernose。ShehadallwayesaboutChristmassevenssetdicethatthrewsixesorfive，andsheknewnottheywereother，tomakeherwinandesteameherselffortunate。Thatshehadamembranaonher，whichmadeheruncapableofman，thoughforherdelightshetriedmany。AtthecommingoverofMonsieur，therewasaFrenchChirurgionwhotookinhandtocutit，yettfearstayedher，andhisdeath。"
ItwasasubjectwhichagainintriguedClemenswhenhewasabroadwithW。H。Fisher，whomMarkemployedto"noseup"everythingpertainingtoQueenElizabeth’smanlycharacter。
"’BOCCACCIOHATHASTORY"
TheauthordoesnotpayanygreatcomplimenttoRaleigh’smemoryhere。
ThereisnosuchtaleinallBoccaccio。ThenearestrelatedincidentformsthesubjectmatterofDineo’snovel（thefourth）oftheFirstdayoftheDecameron。
OLDSR。NICHOLASTHROGMORTON
TheincidentreferredtoappearstobeSirNicholasThrogmorton’strialforcomplicityintheattempttomakeLadyJaneGreyQueenofEngland，achargeofwhichhewasacquitted。ThissoangeredQueenMarythatsheimprisonedhimintheTower，andfinedthejurorsfromonetotwothousandpoundseach。Heractionterrifiedsucceedingjuries，sothatSirNicholas’sbrotherwascondemnedonnostrongerevidencethanthatwhichhadfailedtoprevailbefore。WhileSirNicholas’sdefensemayhavebeenbrilliant，itmustbeadmittedthattheevidencewasweak。
HewaslaterreleasedfromtheTower，andunderElizabethwasoneofagroupofcommissionerssentbythatprincessintoScotland，tofomenttroublewithMary，QueenofScots。Whentheattemptbecameknown，Elizabethrepudiatedtheactsofheragents，butSirNicholas，havinganticipatedthispossibility，hadsufficientforesighttosecureendorsementofhisplanbytheCouncil，andsooutwittedElizabeth，whowasplayingatwo—facedrole，andCecil，oneofthegreateststatesmenwhoeverheldthepostofprincipalminister。Perhapsitwasthisincidenttowhichthecompanyreferred，whichmightinpartexplainElizabeth’srejoinder。However，hehadbeenrestoredtoconfidenceerethis，andhadservedasambassadortoFrance。
"TOSAVEHISDOTER’SMAIDENHEDDE"
ElizabethThrockmorton（orThrogmorton），daughterofSirNicholas，wasoneofElizabeth’smaidsofhonor。WhenitwaslearnedthatshehadbeendebauchedbyRaleigh，SirWalterwasrecalledfromhiscommandatseabytheQueen，andcompelledtomarrythegirl。Thiswasnot"inthatoldedaie，"asthetexthasit，forithappenedonlyeightyearsbeforethedateofthispurported"conversation，"whenElizabethwassixtyyearsold。
PARTIALBIBLIOGRAPHY
Thevariousprintingsof1601revealhowMarkTwain’s’FiresideConversation’hasbecomeapartoftheAmericanprinter’slore。Butmoreimportant，itsmanyprintingsindicatethatithasbecomeapopularbitofAmericanfolklore，particularlyformenandwomenwhohaveafeelingforMarkTwain。Apparentlyitappealstothetypographer，whodevotestoithisworthyart，aswellastothejobprinter，whomaypullacrudelyprintedproof。Thegayprocessionofcuriousprintingsof1601isuniqueinthehistoryofAmericanprinting。
Indeed，thestoryofthevariousprintingsof1601isalmostlegendary。
Inthedaysofthe"jour。"printer，soIamtold，well—thumbedcopieswerecarriedfromprintshoptoprintshop。Formorethanaquartercenturynowithasbeenoneofthechiefsourcesofenjoymentforprinters’devils；andmanyayoungrascalhaslearnedaboutlifefromthisFiresideConversation。Ithasbeenprintedalloverthecountry，andifreportistobebelieved，inforeigncountriesaswell。Becauseofthemanysurreptitiousandanonymousprintingsitisexceedinglydifficult，ifnotimpossible，tocompileacompletebibliography。Manyprintingslackthenameofthepublisher，theprinter，theplaceordateofprinting。Inmanyinstancessomeofthedata，throughthepatientquestioningoffellowcollectors，hasbeenobtainedandsupplied。
1。[Date，1601。]Conversation，asitwasbytheSocialFireside，intheTimeoftheTudors。
DESCRIPTION：Pamphlet，pp。[1]—8，withoutwrappersorcover，measuring7x8inches。ThetitleisSetincaps。andsmallcaps。
Theexcessivelyrarefirstprinting，printedinCleveland，1880，attheinstanceofAlexanderGunn，friendofJohnHay。Onlyfourcopiesarebelievedtohavebeenprinted，ofwhich，itissaidnow，theonlyknowncopyislocatedintheWillardS。Morsecollection。
2。Date1601。Conversation，asitwasbytheSocialFireside，inthetimeoftheTudors。
（Mem。——ThefollowingissupposedtobeanextractfromthediaryofthePepysofthatday，thesamebeingcup—bearertoQueenElizabeth。Itissupposedthatheisofancientandnoblelineage；thathedespisestheseliterarycanaille；thathissoulconsumeswithwrathtoseetheQueenstoopingtotalkwithsuch；andthattheoldmanfeelshisnobilitydefiledbycontactwithShakespeare，etc。，andyethehasgottostaytheretillHerMajestychoosestodismisshim。）
DESCRIPTION：Titleasabove，versoblank；pp。[i]—xi，text；versop。xiblank。About8x10inches，printedonhandmadelinenpapersoakedinweakcoffee，wrappers。Thetitleissetincapsandsmallcaps。
COLOPHON：atthefootofp。xi：DoneAttYeAcademiePreffe；MDCCCLXXX
II。
TheprivatelyprintedWestPointedition，thefirstprintingofthetextauthorizedbyMarkTwain，ofwhichbutfiftycopieswereprinted。ThestoryofthisprintingisfullytoldintheIntroduction。
3。ConversationAsItWasByTheSocialFire—sideInTheTimeOfTheTudorsfromYeDiaryofYeCupbearertoherMaistyQueenElizabeth。
[design]ImprintedbyYePuritanPressAtYeSignofYeJollyVirgin1601。
DESCRIPTION：2blankleaves；p。[i]blank，p。[ii]fronds。，p。[iii]
title[asabove]，p。[iv]"Mem。"，pp。1—[25]text，Iblankleaf。43/4
by61/4inches，printedinamodernversionoftheCaxtonblacklettertype，onM。B。M。Frenchhandmadepaper。Thefrontispiece，awoodcutbyA。E。Curtis，isaportraitofthecup—bearer。Boundinbuff—greyboards，buckramback。Covertitlereads，inpaleredink，Caxtontype，ConversationAsItWasByTheSocialFire—sideInTheTimeOfTheTudors。
[TheBywayPress，Cincinnati，Ohio，1901，120copies。]
Probablythefirstpublishededition。
Later，in1916，afacsimileeditionofthisprintingwaspublishedinChicagofromplates。
第2章